Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
I feel bad. I see myself in a similar situation in the future. I am just too scared to meet with trans women. And I have been denying this for years and dating cis-women.
I’ve sometimes seen profiles in dating apps that emerged between cis women and stayed there reading and wanting to swipe right on that trans girl, but ended up swiping left as my anxiety and fear would make things too hard.
At the same time I feel it’s unfair for the poor cis women I’ve dated in the past, although with some of them I’ve had a strong romantic attraction.
I once was there. I denied it for years. I didn’t fully embrace my trans attraction and let go of my fear and shame for a while. But then it got too unbearable not being fully myself.
I remember at the time dating a cis-girl. I went over to her house. She was the VP of an insurance company. Very smart. Pretty. Capable. Lovely.
But my desire for transgender women – which is a strong part of who and what I am – exerted itself. I felt great discomfort standing simultaneously in the reality where I was with this capable cis-girl, and the reality I knew was possible, a reality I call “having it all”.
So there I was, at her house. We were just chatting about nothing when all of a sudden, it came out of me. I blurted out “[her name], I can’t do this anymore. I love transgender women. I always have. I have to pursue that.”
I don’t remember what happened next. But I’m so happy I did that. The Transamorous Network, my current experiences…all of it…has come from that.
So really, my fear was more about being “out” about my trans attraction to myself than to others. Back then, my outer reality, the way I lived, matched my inner reality. I was miserable inside.
Now that those two are in synch I no longer feel fear or denial or misery. I feel the pleasure of integration and knowing, and confidence about the goodness of my desire.
You can have this too, Jeb. And you will. When you’re ready.