Category: Relationships

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When The Honeymoon Ends, Powerful Truths Work Magic

TL;DR: In this post the author explores how a trans-attracted client learns that emotional alignment, not reassurance, determines relationship outcomes, revealing why practicing telling better-feeling stories transforms conflict, stabilizes love, and changes relationships for the better.

Last night, a man left an anonymous comment on one of my The Transamorous Network articles. The gist was: If a man is attracted to a penis, he must be gay. Trans women aren’t real women.

It wasn’t an honest question or a reach for understanding. What it was was the old cultural reflex—a stunted, fear-based assertion from someone absolutely certain they already know everything.

I deleted the message.

I deleted it because I’m not interested in hosting dead-end consciousness in a space meant for expansion, which this blog is absolutely about: expansion.

The irony, of course, is that the very belief expressed in that comment is exactly what causes so many trans-attracted men to deny themselves, hide, sabotage, and settle for relationships that never fit. It also creates trans women who hate themselves and, as a result of that self-hate, project that self-hatred on to trans-attracted men.

And that brings me to “Bob.”

Bob is a Transamorous Network client. He’s a good guy. A sincere guy. He’s also in a relationship that could become the relationship of his life… if he learns what most people never do: That Bob is the common denominator in every relationship he’s ever had.

Learning that opens a doorway to everything everybody wants in relationships. And in everything else.

The Honeymoon Begins

Bob met a trans woman I’ll call “Maria.” When he met her, she was doing sex work. She’s been doing that for a very long time, here in the U.S. and abroad. She also transitioned young.

So yes: Maria carries a lot of negative momentum – disempowering beliefs about many subjects. These subjects include men, relationships, sex, safety, worthiness, power and what love costs. Most of all, however, she holds disempowering beliefs about what she, herself, deserves. In other words, she, like many trans women, and trans-attracted men, has self-worth issues.

And Bob? Bob has his own negative momentum too—years of painful relational patterning with unsavory cis gender partners, repeated betrayals, repeated instability, repeated “here we go again” endings. Bob’s disempowering beliefs drive all of that. And all of that is exactly what drew Bob and Maria together. For Bob and Maria are perfect matches. Just like any two people in any relationship.

So when they met, the honeymoon hit hard. It hit so hard, Bob only saw the perfect in Maria. He saw her beauty, her focus. Bob appreciated the straightforwardness and determination Maria possessed, which was born of her many years of having to fend for herself. He embraced how unusually self-possessed Maria seemed compared to women of his past. Part of his astonishment was Maria is the first trans woman he’s ever met, let alone dated.

So all this swept both Bob and Maria up in a whirlwind nearly everyone finds themselves caught up in during the honeymoon stage of a fresh relationship.

When The Bubble Pops

I knew that stage wouldn’t last and tried to warn Bob what lay beyond that temporary phase so he could get ahead of it. But Bob couldn’t hear me over the din of strong momentum about what he thought was a perfect match. It IS a perfect match. But not in the romantic, almost fairy-tale way Bob perceived it.

But Bob would have nothing other than what he perceived. As a result, in a little over 6 months in, Bob proposed. Then he bought a ring. He promised to financially support Maria so she could stop the sex work. His commitment to Maria was total.

Again, he did all of this while the relationship was still suspended in that intoxicating early bubble—when both people are mostly projecting their highest hopes onto the other person and interpreting everything through the lens of it’s meant to be.

Bob and Maria can have the love they see the potential of. But at least one of them must take matters into their spiritual hands.

That’s precisely when the honeymoon ended. Just as it always does. When the honeymoon ends, what surfaces is not “the truth” about the other person. What surfaces is more illusion, only this time born of dominant negative momentum. It’s our dominant negative momentum of beliefs, born of past experience we interpret negatively. Those negative interpretations dictate how our future life goes, how relationships go and how people we meet show up in our lives.

And since that momentum is negative, we begin seeing those things which confirm our negative beliefs in our current relationship. That is where Bob is now. Maria too. And last night, for the first time in a long time (35 sessions) Bob actually saw the value of what I offer clients.

A Vicious Pattern of Momentum

One of the most destabilizing moments for Bob has been realizing something I’ve been saying for months: Maria hasn’t changed. She hasn’t gone from this perfect, ideal lover and potential wife to something less than that. Not really. What’s changing is Bob’s interpretation of Maria—because his own negative belief momentum is now active enough to hijack his perception. That’s what happens when “the honeymoon is over”.

We meet someone. We project our ideals onto the other person. Then we attach to them and in doing so lose ourselves. Then we try building a future with that person, the person we’ve created from our idealized ideations. Typically we try building that future fast.

But then the idealized projection collapses. And it collapses because the belief momentum built on idealized ideation can’t prevail against decades of negative momentum born of past experience. When that collapse happens, self-incrimination, blame and anger surfaces. Bob sees it as an entire different version of him. “Dark Bob” he calls it.

Dark Bob wants to say to Bob things like “Maria is not who I thought she was.” “She tricked me.” “I was wrong about her.” “She’s a threat.” “I can’t trust her.” “Love isn’t real.”

But none of that needs to drive Bob’s experience. What did happen, however, is typical of most people in relationships. Especially cis-trans relationships. Here’s the thing: unless Bob (and you, dear reader) does something about his disempowering, negative beliefs on a number of subjects, beliefs born of decades of feeding them, any perceived negative act Maria displays will trigger those old beliefs. Those old beliefs generate an emotion. And that belief/emotion construct becomes the lens through which Bob perceives Maria and acts in response to her.

Bob isn’t alone in this.

The Mirror Doesn’t Need Blame

The exact same thing is happening in Maria. When she allows old habitual beliefs, beliefs based on survival, threat and insecurity, to dominate, she too feels emotions, then perceives Bob through her distortion. When that happens, she acts from that distortion.

Now both people are blaming each other for what the mirror is showing them. That’s right. In every relationship, but particularly romantic ones, each partner reflects back to the other, whatever beliefs are dominant in that person. This is a constant, fundamental principle of how the Universe works. Life experience is a reflection of what emanates from within us.

Where else do you think life experience comes from?

And because of this, we each possess tremendous potential to deliberately create life experiences filled with nothing but what we want. Including ideal lovers. Doing that, however, requires knowing the people (and events and circumstances) are mirrors. And knowing that criticizing, blaming, attacking, or belittling a partner is totally missing the point.

It’s like blaming your reflection for having spinach in your teeth.

In every relationship, your partner is reflecting back to you what you carry in yourself.

Bob described moments where Maria would get internally activated. She’d be jealous, express anger (the flip side of powerlessness), or frustrated at Bob. These are all emotions. He also described moments where he would get internally activated. He’d get defensive, self-critical, fearful or feel disrespected. These are emotions too. And here’s the part that matters: Both of them are bringing the capacity to “snap” into this relationship.

Snapping at one’s partner doesn’t mean we’re bad people. It’s just a pattern we’ve practiced. A pattern born of amplifying negative belief momentum. It happens when very strong negative beliefs take us over. When they do, we have no other alternative but to act in ways consistent with the emotion (anger, fear, threat, insecurity) we feel. That’s what “snapping” is.

You Can’t “Manage” Your Partner’s Triggers

That snapping—whether it becomes arguments, accusations, emotional withdrawal, or dramatic escalation—exists both in Bob’s and Maria’s past. That’s why their previous relationships went the way they went. So now, they’re meeting these behaviors again…together.

And if they don’t understand what is happening, they’ll do the usual human thing: react, blame, justify, and repeat. But if even one person in the relationship learns how reality works—if one person learns how to stay in empowerment, sovereignty and love—then the relationship becomes something else entirely.

It becomes what I call the pearl-maker. The grit in the oyster becomes the pearl because the oyster doesn’t treat grit as an enemy. Negative experiences in relationships are the grit in this case. These experiences offer tremendous opportunity for everyone involved. Most people miss the opportunity though.

One of the most subtle traps Bob fell into is one that looks like love, but isn’t. It’s the trap of emotional responsibility. He described trying to behave in ways that would keep Maria from getting triggered. For example, Maria’s insecurity is so strong, even if she perceives Bob looking at a trans prostitute, she gets on his case. She accuses him of wanting more than she can offer. She expresses fear that she can’t satisfy him. This, of course, drives Bob crazy. That’s because he’s not feeling any of that. And no matter what words he uses, he can’t convince Maria otherwise.

So instead, he’s beginning to box himself in. He’s very careful to not even glance in the general direction of a prostitute, in hopes of keeping Maria’s mental finger off her trigger.

This is common in all relationships because people often carry social pressure and internalized shame—so the instinct becomes: “Let me be careful so I don’t rock the boat.” But that carefulness is poison. Because now we’re not relating as two sovereign adults. Instead we’re relating as two disempowered people trying to control outcomes. Outcomes born in vibration (thought, belief, focus, stories). Outcomes that have manifested already.

And no one can control those.

Finding and Holding the Center

What I offer clients is ruthless on this matter. You cannot be responsible for how your partner feels. And they cannot be responsible for how you feel. If Maria is insecure, Bob cannot “fix” that insecurity. He can’t do it by shrinking himself, censoring himself, or contorting himself into a performance of safety. No can he fix it through words.

If he tries those routes they just teach Maria that her insecurity is valid and that Bob is dangerous unless managed or controlled. And there is nothing humans like less than being controlled. Controlling Bob is not empowering for Maria. And it’s not authentic for Bob.

So what’s the alternative? Bob must become the one who holds the center of their relationship. Not by controlling Maria. Nor by forcing her to change. Not by changing himself either. Instead, he must refuse to collapse into interpretations alive in him that rise to the level of conscious awareness whenever Maria collapses into interpretations alive in her when they rise to her conscious awareness.

This is where the practice becomes real. After all, anyone can be loving when everything is easy. But can you be loving when your partner is projecting? Can you stay in clarity when your partner is chaotic? Can you stay open when your partner is defensive? How about when your partner is showing you they’re “ugly”? This is what I show clients how to do.

And when they do, they become a stabilizing field. And when they become that stabilizing field, reality reorganizes around them. Including other people.

In order for Bob to get what he wants with Maria, he’s got to stabilize his field and rest in his sovereign power. That comes from refusing to collapse into Maria’s insecurities.

The Equation That Changes Everything

Here is the equation I gave Bob—an equation I’ll keep giving him until it becomes muscle memory: When you feel negative emotion, you are allowing thoughts that will create more reality experiences that include what you’re feeling negative about. Nothing else is responsible for that negative emotion, or for what you experience. Period.

Thought creates the emotion. It’s really vibration, but hardly anyone has access to the frequency they’re vibrating. My advance clients learn to access that, but that level of mastery isn’t necessary to radically change relationships (and the potential for having fulfilling relationships).

If you’re up to speed with what you’re reading this should be obvious. Clients who’ve been with me a while find it obvious: Your negative emotion is not evidence that your partner is wrong, nor is it evidence that they did anything to you.

What your negative emotion tells you is you are interpreting the moment through distortion. When Bob feels defensive, it’s because he is telling himself a story in which Maria is an attacker. But Maria is not attacking him. Not ever. She might be projecting her fear. She might be expressing her insecurity in a clunky way. Or she might be reacting from a lifetime of survival momentum, blaming Bob in the process and making a mess of their relationship. But that is not an attack.

What is it? It’s a mirror showing what’s inside Bob.

And if Bob uses the mirror correctly, he can do something extraordinary: He can tell a better-feeling story. Not a fake story, not a delusional story. A better-feeling story—one that aligns with love, clarity, and empowerment. When he does that consistently, he becomes unconditionally in love. Love is an emotion. In other words, he doesn’t need his external conditions to be a certain way in order for him to feel a certain way.

That is creative power.

Freedom Found in Love

Because when Bob stays in love, he stops reacting to Maria’s defenses born of her negative belief momentum. He stops feeding her insecurity. Bob stops reinforcing her old story about men, relationships, and about herself. And as he changes, as he remains sovereign from her negative momentum, something else remarkable must happen: the version of Maria he experiences must change. She must change to match his higher vibrational stability in love as his mirror.

This won’t happen because Bob pressured her. It will happen because Bob stopped practicing aligning to the reality in which he rendezvous with the Maria who feels unstable, unsafe, or unworthy.

There’s a lot at stake for Bob. They’ve exchanged engagement rings. He’s planning to relocate to Mexico permanently. There’s a future on the line. And for the first time since engaging with the practice I offer, Bob is waking up to a new reality. One that asserts this practice isn’t a philosophical luxury. It’s a relational necessity.

That’s why he recently asked to see me more than just once a week. Now that he’s ready, I’m starting him on a daily appreciation practice in the morning—when things are calm—so he can build the muscle memory before the “shit hits the fan” with Maria. Because when the fan gets hit, he won’t rise to the occasion. He’ll default to what he’s practiced. And if Bob defaults to his old, practiced momentum, this relationship will become another painful chapter.

But if Bob defaults to deliberate alignment—if he becomes the one who holds the center—then Maria does not have to be “fixed” for this relationship to become a pearl. She only has to be met. Met with unconditional love. If all trans-attracted men and trans women could offer this real, powerful unconditional love, every cis-trans relationship would be glorious.

That’s the path I offer my clients. It’s the power inherent in better-feeling stories. And it’s based on the one constant of the Universe. A constant every major spiritual path outlines: Being 100% in love—on purpose—no matter what, leads to fulfillment, joy and expansion.

If you recognize yourself in Bob, or perhaps as a trans woman see yourself in Maria, you could benefit from learning what I offer my clients.

It makes a world of difference. Every one of my clients know this. You can too. Reach out if this resonates. I’d be happen to talk with you initially for free.

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When Trans-Attraction Challenges Love: Martha’s Hidden Gift

TL;DR: The author shares Martha’s story—a cis woman and her trans-attracted partner—to show how even relationships that seem doomed can serve deep personal and spiritual expansion.

Martha came to The Transamorous Network in despair. A cisgender woman living on the East Coast, she’s surrounded by LGBTQ friends, including several transgender women. Yet despite being open-minded, supportive, and caring, she found herself in a painful emotional knot.

At 37, Martha is divorcing her husband, raising a teenager, and struggling to find her footing financially. Her marriage ended after discovering her husband had been having sex with her while she slept—behavior she rightly identified as sexual abuse. That experience left her shaken, confused, and feeling powerless.

In the midst of this upheaval, she met “Jack,” a senior construction manager. For the last three years, Jack has provided emotional and financial stability. He’s been her partner through the divorce and a source of companionship when she’s felt most alone. But there’s a catch: Martha recently discovered that Jack has been secretly reaching out to transgender women in her local community.

A Painful Discovery and a Familiar Pattern

Through her transgender friends, Martha saw messages between Jack and several trans women. These communications made it clear that Jack has a long-standing attraction to trans women—something he denied when confronted. He admitted only to occasionally “indulging” when drunk, describing it as a taboo thrill.

Martha’s trans friends warned her that men like Jack rarely change, and that the relationship would end in heartbreak. Deep down, she agreed. Her intuition told her the same thing. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Financially, she’s dependent on him. Emotionally, she feels connected.

It’s easy to assume this is a story about betrayal or weakness, but what’s really happening here is something deeper. Martha and Jack are a perfect match—not because they’re soulmates in the romantic sense, but because they share the same vibrational patterns of uncertainty and self-worth. Each is reflecting the other’s negative belief-momentum.

Jack fears being authentic about his trans-attraction. Martha fears standing on her own. Both are learning through this relationship what it means to accept themselves.

When Love Isn’t Love (Yet)

During our conversation, I gently told Martha something she hadn’t considered: she doesn’t truly love Jack. She cares for him, yes. But real love is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on whether the other person changes, stays, or behaves the way we want.

If Martha loved Jack in the truest sense, she would love all of him—including his trans-attraction. That doesn’t mean she should tolerate dishonesty or abandon her boundaries. It means love, as a state of being, is unconditional.

The painful irony is that what she calls “love” is really fear—fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of what her future might look like without him. She says she wants to stay because she loves him, but what keeps her there is insecurity. And that insecurity perfectly mirrors Jack’s. He stays in hiding because he, too, is afraid—of judgment, of rejection, of what his attraction says about him.

Their relationship isn’t broken. It’s perfectly designed to help them both face themselves.

Martha’s relationship with Jack can benefit both…even as it doesn’t last. And the two can depart in love.

Every Relationship Is a Stepping Stone

Most people think relationships are supposed to last forever, and when they don’t, something must have gone wrong. But from a spiritual perspective, that’s not how relationships work. Every connection serves a purpose. Some are long-term, some brief, but all are stepping stones toward greater clarity and self-understanding.

Martha and Jack’s relationship may never become the romantic ideal she wants. Yet, it’s still valuable. Jack provides the stability that allows her to rediscover her sense of worth and capability. Martha provides the compassion and safety Jack needs to begin accepting his authentic self as a trans-attracted man.

When both partners understand this higher purpose, even a relationship that ends can end beautifully—with gratitude, not resentment. That’s the gift of awareness.

So often we define success in relationships by longevity. But success isn’t measured in years together—it’s measured in how much both people grow into joy while they’re together.

When Letting Go Is the Loving Thing

Martha’s intuition is already telling her what’s coming. She knows Jack will eventually pursue a trans woman openly. She can sense that her time with him has an expiration date. And yet, she also senses that she’s not quite ready to walk away.

That’s okay. She doesn’t need to rush. What matters most is that she uses this time to rediscover her independence—to see herself not as a victim of circumstance but as a deliberate creator of her life.

If she can find her footing, she’ll eventually release Jack in peace, appreciating how much this relationship taught her about love, fear, and authenticity. She’ll also leave space for Jack to step fully into his truth—something every trans-attracted man must eventually do if he wants to live joyfully and honestly.

A New Way to See Your Relationship

Maybe you see yourself in Martha or Jack. Maybe you’re in a relationship that feels like it’s going nowhere, or one that feels painful but hard to leave. You might think the only solutions are to stay and suffer, or to leave and start over. But there’s another option: to see your relationship for what it really is—a co-creative opportunity for growth.

When we shift our perspective, we reconnect with our empowerment. We stop labeling the relationship as “failing” and start appreciating it for what it’s showing us about ourselves. That shift alone can bring relief, expansion, and, sometimes, a completely unexpected renewal of love.

Whether our relationship continues or ends, our expansion is guaranteed—if we let it be.

Conclusion: The Gift Hidden in Every Relationship

Martha’s story isn’t tragic. It’s beautiful. Beneath the pain lies a perfect design—two people reflecting each other’s unmet needs so they can find wholeness.

Every relationship, no matter how temporary or turbulent, offers the same opportunity. The question is whether we can see it.

If you’re in a relationship that feels stuck or doomed, don’t despair. You might not need to end it—you might only need to see it differently.

When you’re ready to discover what your relationship is really trying to show you, schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 session at The Transamorous Network. You may find that what looks like an ending is actually your next beginning.

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Another Trans-Attracted Husband Cheats On His Wife

TL;DR: To my surprise, The Transamorous Network remains relevant as trans-attracted men and their partners continue reaching out in search of understanding. Addressing shame, scarcity, and authenticity, this post offers guidance to a cis-woman who is married to a DL trans-attracted man on navigating her husband’s cheating.

Alright. I thought I was finished writing posts for this blog. While cleaning up the back-end, however, I noticed several messages people sent me that I hadn’t received. That was my bad that I missed these messages. I hadn’t correctly set up my contact form. So the messages weren’t forwarded to my inbox.

The majority of these messages were from trans-attracted men questioning themselves AND, no surprise, wives of trans-attracted men. The latter group wrote to me expressing various reactions to discovering their men’s interests. And all of them asked my feedback.

So, it seems, there’s still an interest in The Transamorous Network.

I also got an interesting response through the feedback form I wasn’t expecting. That I’ll share at the end of this post.

Suffice it to say, I’ll keep this site up because, judging from these past comments, people are still looking for information on what it means to be trans-attracted, what it means to be transamorous and what to do when they find out their spouses are one of those two.

The Transamorous Network remains a great resource for those people IOW.

I probably won’t write every week, but I will continue posting from time to time. For now, I want to share one request I got through the contact form because it speaks to many of the others I got. Then I’ll share that other comment I mentioned.

Here we go!

Another cheating trans-attracted husband

The person writing is married. She caught her husband cheating with a trans woman. No surprise there. Many trans-attracted men don’t realize their trans-attraction until after marrying a cis-woman. I’ll spare a further preamble and get to what she wrote:

Hi, I am not good at writing so please forgive me. I just recently found out my husband has been sleeping with [trans] women, I believe he has an attraction towards trans women. He did tell me about one of his encounters and I am just very curious. I am not judging him, if that’s what he likes then that’s ok. The thing for me is the cheating in general, I understand feeling scared, nervous and ashamed. The thing for me is the lying and not giving me the opportunity to make my owns decisions. Even though he has an attraction , I really don’t think I want to be with someone who cheats in general. I also told him I am ok with whatever decision he chooses but he can’t seem to let me go in this process . We have two beautiful boys together and I just want everyone to be happy! Thank you for letting me share, any insight would be helpful. Thanks again, “Melody” [I changed her name to protect her privacy].

This is quite a common story. Many trans-attracted men also have a scarcity problem on the subject of the availability of trans women. Trans women have the same thing going on about men, which is often why they compromise and end up with women. Both parties believe they won’t be able to find a partner aligned with their desires.

He’s clinging hard

The problem with that is, if we believe that the kind of person we want is rare, that’s what we’re going to experience. And so, in this case, the guy is clinging hard to his current relationship. He just can’t see the very real possibility that he can find a trans woman who will, actually, fit him better than his wife.

To keep this short, here’s how I responded. Perhaps another woman in the same boat as “Melody” can benefit from it.

If your husband is sleeping with trans women, he for sure he is attracted to them. It’s a good sign you’re not judging him for that. And, it’s a really good sign that you’re recognizing that lying is not something you should stand for about ANYTHING in a marriage.

I really appreciate that you understand he is likely struggling and so he’s scared and shamed about what he’s feeling. I would wonder, however, if I were in your shoes, what is it about your marriage, or you, or him or all of those, that has him unwilling to be authentic about who/what he is. That’s something to really explore, not because it’s your fault, but because growth opportunities exist for both of you in that exploration. So it would be good for him to look at that too.

Now, as for the cheating specifically. You sound like a smart person. So I’m sure you can understand that the cheating itself isn’t the problem. It’s the motivation for cheating that is the problem. This goes back to what I wrote in the paragraph above.

Like, what is it about him that has him not being authentic about who he is?

Certainly whatever that is also plays a role in him not being able to let you go, especially if his attraction is strong, and for most trans-attracted men, that attraction is VERY strong and something that will likely not go away. He must, therefore, follow through on his attraction and fulfill what’s in store there.

I’m glad to hear you’ll be ok if he chooses that path. I would suggest your best role here is to support him in choosing that path. Your children would be way better off with him choosing this, you will be too and, of course so will he. I can explain in more detail about why your children will be better off if you’re interested.

Suffering is needless

If you’re experiencing difficulties in your marriage because you suspect your spouse is cheating with trans women, or watching trans porn, and you’d like some empowerment around the experience, feel free to contact me. I’ve figured out the contact form, so I’ll respond much faster than I have in the past.

If you’re a guy with a question about your interest in trans women, you can reach out too. Many men like you, like the guy in this marriage, are suffering needlessly. Shame tells you you’re putting others’ opinions above your own. That’s a recipe for problems. Let’s fix that.

Contact me.

Finally, here’s another message I got I want to share. It comes from a trans woman who has followed The Transamorous Network for some time. She lives in Thailand, I believe. When I stopped writing for this blog, I said that if it helped just one trans woman accept who and what she is, then the blog has done it’s job.

Actually, in response to my (previously) final post, several trans woman wrote to tell me how much the blog helped them. The following comes from the most recent trans woman expressing appreciation. It’s long, but worth it, as it shows how much this blog has helped people. I’m sharing excerpts of the full message:

An ode of appreciation

….What I really want to get to is Thank You! I have been following you for 15 months now and I believe I have read most of your articles…15 months ago I was doing a deep dive into [my own self transformation]… I was a cis-het-white guy for 52 years, trained, culled, forced and assimilated into the systems of control and oppression. There… came the crux, the clarity, the guidance of a Higher Power of an opportunity of a radical shift. Today I see it as the most incredible opportunity…lol.

At the time it was a curse of the most epic kind. My 2nd wife [and I] co-discovered the systems we were deeply embedded in. We also discovered that after 18 years in marriage we had gotten to a place where we could no longer support each others needs and it was time to decouple. And there was a discovery that she was a lesbian and much to my surprise … I am trans-femme…

I also discovered that the tremendous childhood trauma I had survived was affecting me greatly every day. The 3 aspects of – ending an 18 year marriage, I was trans and I carried tremendous trauma into all things was brutal (and with todays perspective…absolutely necessary). Any movement forward in transness brought up trauma. I really dove into my programs of AA and ACA, got new sponsors that were aligned with my new identity discovery and a really really good therapist. I kept all 3 very busy as I dove into the work with both feet as I was not going to survive this event if I didn’t. In essence, It was the gift of desperation. Do the work or die…

In my recent EMDR work I discovered I have been this way for lifetimes. It has taken over 15 months of OMG intensive work, I have hit a milestone in my work. I am ready to date.

Your articles over the last 15 months also combined with many of trans authors have been incredible guidance through one of the most difficult times in my life… I almost didn’t make it. The gratitude therein is immense. Somewhere in your Trump article, maybe in the comments, you mentioned that if you reached one person with your message then all the rhetoric and all the time, intention and effort … was worth it. That was me…

You have been a part of the most epic journey, and I believe We are just getting started…

Self loathing of trans women

There are many – I would say the majority — trans women struggling like this person once did. This explains why they’re so hostile to trans-attracted men, and me in particular. We reflect back to them the state of their inner-self-acceptance. And they can’t bear the pain of facing that.

I started this blog to help relieve that. Obviously, some have benefitted. Trans-attracted men have too. Now, I’m curious to see who else will…I’m glad to see this trans woman found liberation from her struggle. I hope to hear from her again.

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What the best relationship looks and feels like

Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash

TL;DR: The author argues for trans and trans-attracted people being selfish as the way to create a happy life for themselves. They share a client’s experience in creating happiness to illustrate and support his argument.

Trans women and trans-attracted men: Let’s talk about relationships. There’s a lot to talk about here. Mainly because most of us feel relationships are one of the most, if not the most, important things. After all, we are told, we need relationships to be happy. Everything we do, need and want, it seems, comes through relationships. It is relationships with others that create community. It’s relationships through which we – supposedly – find love. Such relationships also create safety, belonging and a whole lot more.

And, if we’re honest with ourselves, relationships also offer the worst in humanity. Relationships with others are the framework through which some of humanity’s worst traits surface. Greed, conflict, psychopathy and violence all would be meaningless were it not for relationships.

So relationships aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, as the saying goes. We all know this. Just ask Israelis and the Palestinians…relationships can suck. And yet, a lot about what we seem to be – human – seems to compel us toward relationships. Especially relationships with other humans.

There’s a far more satisfying, powerful relationship, however, one through which everything we want comes. It’s so all-encompassing, we literally can’t survive without it. And when we prioritize that relationship above all else, we can live our wildest dreams.

That relationship is what I’m writing about today.

Let’s dive in.

Over all else

The relationship I’m referring to has nothing to do with a god, especially the Christian god or Jesus. But this relationship does tap into the power Christians ascribe to their god.

The trouble with this relationship, however, is it’s as plain as the nose on our faces, and yet, we invariably prioritize other relationships ahead of it. And that out-of-whack prioritization creates all the troubles we have in other relationships. That’s because that which we could enjoy a relationship with wants our undivided attention. When we give it that attention, undivided, everything else in life flows easily.

What relationship could I possibly be referring to?

The relationship with ourselves.

That’s right, there’s no better, more satisfying, more powerful relationship than the relationship with ourselves. The reason why is because everything we see “out there” in the world springs from this relationship. So when we get this relationship where it should be – as our number one priority – then everything “out there” falls in line.

It doesn’t happen in an instant. That would be magic and magic isn’t a thing. But when a person prioritizes themselves over all else, then gradually, all else reflects the improvement inherent with prioritizing a relationship with themselves over all else!

Selfishness: a virtue

That seems like circular logic, but, as I’ve written before, the Universe and All That Is functions on circular logic. All That Is exists to joyfully know itself. The paradox of that is, the more it seeks to know itself, the more of itself it creates. This process makes All That Is – and you and me – eternal. So the more All That Is seeks to know itself, it creates more of itself to know. That’s the glorious circular process often described in ancient teachings.

Now, some might argue that prioritizing one’s self over others leads to selfishness. I completely agree. But I know selfishness is not bad. In fact, it’s the best way to be. Because when one lives that way, they discover everything else, including other people, are able to take care of themselves, leaving the person free to be, enjoy and lavish their life.

Indeed, when we put ourselves first in all things, our life also improves. We stop trying to change things over which we have no control. Letting go of such tasks feels better and better. And when we feel better, the world around us reflects that better mood back to us. It reflects it in ever-improving life experiences.

So, really, we have control of all of our experience. How? Because experience reflects back to us our inner state. And when we prioritize our inner state – our relationship with ourselves – then our life experiences reflect that improved inner state.

We also feel love and other higher emotions more. That’s because when we seek to know ourselves, which is aligned with what the Universe always does, we can’t help but feel the eternal joy that is Universal consciousness.

Put it to the test

That previous section may sound like a bunch of “New Age” hooey. Especially to cynical, jaded trans women. But it’s 100 percent accurate. I can write forever about how powerful what you’re reading is. But nothing compares to evidence produced by your lived experience.

So if you’re having trouble believing this stuff, I suggest you prove to yourself how accurate it is.

So how do we prioritize the relationship with ourselves? It doesn’t seem easy when the entire outside world encourages prioritizing others over ourselves. So it takes practice. It helps to know that a “self” exists in us worthy of our undivided attention. That “self” is the “god in human form” I write about in my other blog. Discovering its existence is easy.

The best way to do that is by testing Positively Focused premises, which are summed up in the phrase “you create your reality through the stories you tell”. As a person tests these premises, they create, or manifest, experiences – people and things – that come in surprising, seemingly coincidental ways.

And when so many of such manifestations happen over and over, the person must acknowledge something other than “coincidence” is at work. That acknowledgement is just like acknowledging there is a self worthy of having a relationship with. Paradoxically, the person testing these premises, once they start seeing things happen, will want more things to happen. As more happens, they also get more bold: they want bigger things to happen.

As their desires grow in scale or magnitude, their trust grows. Their trust in themselves and in this self they are building a relationship with.

Betrayal births bitterness

Growing that relationship brings a necessary letting go of beliefs keeping us all prioritizing others over ourselves. As we let go of them, we might have to face hard-seeming choices. Often it means disregarding what others think of us. Sometimes that looks like cutting off certain people, including family members.

For example, a client recently faced having to cut off her daughter. Her daughter, the epitome of a hellion, raked the client over all kinds of emotional coals throughout their 20-year relationship. Yet, the client believed she had to be there for her daughter, despite the poor treatment, because that’s “what parents should do”.

Little did she know she created the belief “that’s what parents should do” after her parents did something the client considered unconscionable.

Throughout her youth, her parents promised her they’d save for and pay for her college. But when the client was 16, the parents reneged on their promise. Because of this the client felt her parents betrayed her. She bitterly resented their decision and that bitterness festered in her.

An angel disguised as a devil

The betrayal was personal for her. So, when she had a child out of wedlock, something she didn’t want in the first place, the client swore to “make things right” by not doing to her daughter what her parents did to her.

The problem with all of that is the Universe has an amusing way of showing us all how our bogus beliefs aren’t in our best interest. It will give us experiences reflecting our bogus beliefs right back at us. If you think all men interested in trans women are chasers, you’ll only meet that kind of guy, for example. If you believe all trans women are not passable or psycho, you’ll get that. In the client’s case, the Universe gave her a hellion daughter. And boy, did this young person torture her!

Their relationship was making the client miserable. Little did she realize, this daughter was an angel the client sent herself. The angel’s mission: to teach the client she has everything she needs within her, to stop blaming her parents, and to put herself first.

After weeks of learning to prioritize herself through what I offer, the client, after one particularly harrowing conversation with her daughter, decided to do just that. She cut her daughter off and the relief she felt was immediate. With each passing day, her relief grew.

Doubling down

Thirty days in, she was feeling great. But then, her old created reality, born of her belief “that’s what parents should do” reasserted itself. Her daughter reached out and kept reaching out. She wanted to “fix” their relationship. The client couldn’t resist. She felt pulled, by her belief, to reconnect. Which is what she did.

This kind of thing typically happens. A client will have an epiphany making their life much better. But then, old belief momentum draws them back into their old way of being, the being they left behind. Usually, when that happens, it shows the client why they would have been better off not letting that happen.

But there’s no way clients can get it wrong. For these kinds of “set backs” actually amplify their commitment to put themselves first. Which is exactly what happened with this client.

The reconnection was horrible. Nothing got “fixed”. And it reminded the client what had been absent for 30 days. It also put those past 30 days of relief, peace and ease in proper perspective. She wanted more of that. So she doubled down on cutting her daughter off.

The way to relief

Two weeks after her recommitment her husband said something remarkable over dinner.

“You seem really happy,” he told her. The client agreed, she did feel happy, happier than she had in decades. The husband credited that return to happiness to his wife cutting her daughter off. But the client knew it was primarily because she was putting herself first and that caused her to make a choice she otherwise would not have been able to do.

A week later, her husband once again noticed.

“It’s so good seeing you so happy,” he said. The client agreed. She said she was returning to the self she knew before her daughter “happened”.

Now, it’s not that the client doesn’t love her daughter. She loves her and wants the best for her. But she realizes that, to be happy, she must put herself first. And when she does that, she thrives. And as she thrives, eventually, her daughter will too. That must happen because the client’s experience and everything in it, including her daughter, reflects back to her, her inner state. Before, her daughter reflected the client’s inner turmoil. Turmoil born of expecting her parents to have put her first, when, obviously, they could not have.

Their decision not to pay for their child’s college was the right thing: they had to put themselves first. The client was making them wrong for doing what they knew was right. And so, the Universe, through her daughter, was showing the client the way to relief.

Putting ourselves first is the best way to personal happiness. (Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash)

It’s all choice

And that’s the thing about realizing what comes from putting ourselves first. We realize no one is responsible for our happiness but us. And, no one can make us happy but us. Any other happiness source is fleeting, capricious and fickle. As such, such happiness sources are not in our best interest to put before the one relationship that really matters.

Meanwhile, as I mentioned before, everything in our experience improves when we do this. And so, the client’s daughter’s life must also improve, as she learns what her mother did: That she must put herself first and stop relying on her mother for her happiness…or anything else, including tuition, food and rent.

Relationships are not about people coming together, planning together, working out problems, coming up with solutions together, compromising, and investing in and extracting from each other what they need, all while claiming to love one another. Rather, each person is 100 percent responsible as a creator for creating the best version of their life.

When they do that, the whole world improves, but only for that person. In the meantime, those choosing a different life way fade out of that person’s experience. Then those reflecting the person’s new choice show up as reflections of that choice made.

This explains why so much variety in life experience exists. People are choosing, either deliberately or not, then the world reflects back to them the nature of that choice.

It’s all about unconditional love

This means, first cultivating a strong relationship with one’s self is paramount. When that happens, life reflects back to the person only the best things in life, because that’s just what happens when one puts themselves first.

Then, and only then, can a person create better versions of life AND better versions of people in their lives. They create versions of people by coming into the presence of another with their relationship with themselves so secure, that that other person has no choice but to reflect back to the creator a version of them matching what’s going on in the creator.

And when the creator achieves that, sees the person exhibiting the version of themselves the creator envisioned, and then revels in that, the manifestation of evidence of their creation, then that person being created feels that reveling as unconditional love for them. And that changes that person irreparably.

That’s why selfishness is so important. It can literally change human relationships. It does that through love, which is what ourselves have in abundance for us.

And that’s how we can influence others in the best way. “Influence” happens whether we know we’re doing it or not. Unfortunately, for most of us, we’re using that influence by recreating versions of people we don’t like, by complaining about their behavior, wishing they were someone that they’re not, or complaining in general.

Meanwhile the one relationship that empowers us to have a different experience of all we experience awaits us. That relationship is all unconditional love. And when we prioritize that relationship, we become that: Unconditional love.

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Why People Are Better Off Avoiding Being Vulnerable

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem, the author says, especially for trans and trans-attracted people. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But trans and trans-attracted people know being vulnerable is hard, scary and not very fun. After all, who wants to be seen as something other than what the mainstream tells is us ok?

Indeed the very act of being trans or trans-attracted demands a level of vulnerability most people needn’t face. It can literally be a life or death decision. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower trans and trans-attracted people?

In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.

Why experts vaunt vulnerability

Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. As said before, it also can lead to terrifying consequences. Then again, society praises it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it’s usually terrifying. So much so, people won’t do it. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Which explains why so many trans women want to pass and trans-attracted men live on the DL.

But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:

So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do experts vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm, increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.

It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?

Rejection inherent in vulnerability

The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.

But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.

In other words, the potential consequences of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, however, and the whole calculus changes.

What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.

That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.” Although for trans people and some trans-attracted men, it can be much more than that.

Still, let’s unpack this some more.

Our thoughts make it so

In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.

What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.

Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.

Now trans and trans-attracted people face a much more complicated situation. Especially trans people. That’s because they have other – legitimate – fears of actual physical harm. Those fears must also be resolved. Those fears come from valid beliefs for sure. But replacing those beliefs with other equally valid ones can be liberating.

We can see, then, it’s what we think about being vulnerable that makes it scary. We think being that way brings risk. The belief isn’t false. But better feeling beliefs aren’t either. And those better feeling beliefs can change our experience.

Our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.

Preferring rejection

Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain, I would say many more people would be that way.

Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.

Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of beliefs around being so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.

That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens, we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.

So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.

Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)

Finding power in changed belief

Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad. For trans people, that includes violence.

But, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs. I get that’s hard for a trans person, for many people, actually, to believe. But that doesn’t make the assertion false.

If it’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. That explains why so many fear being vulnerable. And rightly so. It also explains why it feels scary.

Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.

Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.

Beliefs matter…a lot

So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.

The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.

In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a problem. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking and believing. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.

For trans and trans-attracted people such outcomes don’t come over night. A lot of old disempowering beliefs must first be soothed before evidence of improvement really starts showing itself.

But the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships. So changing our beliefs is worth it. It literally will provide us everything we want.