Category: Relationships

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Trans-Attraction: An Unappreciated Gift For Trans Women

TLDR: The author strongly suggests that Transgender women seeking a man as their partner do themselves a disservice in dismissing love from trans-attracted men. They say such men offer the most positive match to what trans women look for. By talking themselves out of persistent negative beliefs held largely by the trans community, these trans women can more easily find love in the form of trans-attracted men, thereby transforming their life and the lives of many others.

Some Transgender women rail against men who find them attractive as transgender women. They call such men “chasers”.

But what’s really happening is the women, unable to love themselves as trans, project their self loathing onto the men showing them genuine attention.

Meanwhile such men find transgender women irresistibly attractive, often because such women are transgender. Yes, they’re women. But there’s no denying their trans nature. And for certain men, that nature is a big part of the attraction, just as some women find men attractive initially, because they’re men.

In other words, trans-attracted men give transgender women what they want: acceptance, love and more. These are awesome, but unappreciated gifts. That’s because some, maybe even many, or most, transgender women are too wrapped up in negative self talk to see that what they want is right in front of them.

The men are no better. They also struggle with self-acceptance. And, dear transgender women, it’s lack of self-acceptance in these men that make such men act like dicks. Part of their dickish behavior stems from the fact that they…are, well, men…and thus have been bred to be dicks. Especially when seeking love and sex.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story behind dickish behavior, either.

More and more coming out trans

I described the journey of such men in this post. But in this post, I want to specify the natural and unique relationship existing between being transgender and being trans-attracted. The two offer gifts to each other. Gifts inherent in their personages.

That’s right, an inherent, powerful relationship exists between the two. That relationship is a gift. Transgender women who recognize then leverage this relationship will find finding love much easier. They’ll enjoy the process more, and help the men become better too.

This article is bound to trigger some transgender women. Especially those who don’t accept themselves as trans. If you are transgender and at all insecure and therefore emotionally unstable in your status as a transgender person, you should not read any further.

Those who enjoy emotional stability might find what they’re about to read eye-opening.

The New York Times noted that more kids than ever before have come out as trans in the last 5-10 years. Some in our society are looking to science to explain the phenomena. Others are losing their minds about the number of kids declaring autonomy over their gender expression. Even Caitlin Jenner expressed dismay over the number of children declaring themselves trans.

But is this really something to decry? Or is it something to celebrate?

Self-inflicted transphobia?

Science-based explanations will help many understand what’s happening. But such explanations do little to soothe emotional discomfort arising from knowing what one is while looking in the mirror and not seeing that. Or for feeling an attraction for something that triggers fear and self-hatred as in the case of trans-attracted men. Or at the least causes one to question their sexuality, which is what many trans-attracted men do once they realize they find trans women adorable.

This story will make a bold assertion: That the love transgender people, particularly transgender women, seek, exists in the very people they reject: in the hearts of trans-attracted men. This of course pertains only to transgender women who seek a relationship with a man.

Some transgender women may be able to live “stealth”. They may be able to “pass” 100 percent. With medical advances, these women can pass convincingly…even in bed…for most men. But for others…not so much. Still, for the women, as much as they may pass, they know they harbor a secret. And that secret is always at risk of being discovered.

Meanwhile, there are men who stand ready to accept transgender women for ALL they are. Not just their womanhood, but also their transgender nature. And the fact that some trans women try to reject this part of themselves generates the self-loathing running rampant in the transgender community. It’s not too far of a stretch to argue that many trans women are themselves transphobic.

Which brings up the subject of fetishizing. Let’s look at that next.

A match exists for everyone

Are heterosexual men fetishizing women with vaginas because they only want to be with a woman with a vagina? Certainly some men do fetishize cis women, just as some women fetishize some men. But most straight men want a vagina-equipped woman because that’s what they’re a match to. It’s what they desire.

The same holds true for trans-attracted men. In other words, transgender women and trans-attracted men share a special relationship. One similar to the relationship straight women share with straight men.

Is a straight woman fetishizing a straight man because she likes being penetrated by a straight man’s penis? Is she fetishizing him because she feels naturally attracted to penis-equipped men and only such men?

I would wager that transgender women would say “no, she’s not. She’s just wanting to have what she’s attracted to.” And I’m sure women have conversations with their friends in which they speak about the “dick” the same way trans-attracted men talk about certain trans women and their dick.

The only difference is, some trans women have a strong aversion to their dick. Not all women of course, but many do. And if you want to do away with that appendage, then great, go for it! But to make a man wrong because he wants a penis-equipped woman, just because you yourself don’t like having a penis, is projecting your self-rejection onto someone who doesn’t deserve your projection.

His desire for a penis-equipped woman is just as “right” as your desire not to be a penis-equipped woman. Get over it. Get over it and find your match. He (or she or they) is out there. For there is a match for everyone. Even chasers.

A relationships match to chasers

When I started The Transamorous Network I made an assertion. I said transgender people represent a leading edge aspect of what it means to be human. Each person entering the world as trans, therefore, enjoys world-transformative potential. Every transgender person arrives here intending that massive transformation. Enjoying that potential though, requires the trans person accepting what they are. In doing so, they can tap into enormous insight and power.

Every transgender person can achieve very high levels of success (however they define that). While enjoying that success, they also can transform the lives of everyone they meet. Including their parents. Including other trans people.

Nearly every person, however, almost immediately loses their way once born. They forget what they are. They adopt beliefs offered by other people who also lost their way. And so, transgender people, doing the same, end up resisting what they are. That resistance cuts them off from their natural insight and power. They compromise, then end up living lives far from even mediocre.

The same goes for love and relationship. Finding love happens effortlessly for transgender people who love themselves. But when such a person refuses to love themselves as they are, let alone accept what they are, they make themselves unloveable. Then, when they try finding love, they can’t find it.

You can’t find love if you aren’t a match to it. And if we don’t love ourselves, I mean deeply and fully, unconditionally love ourselves, we’re not a match to the love we seek. So when we try finding it, we end up meeting toads – aka chasers. Chasers are insecure transgender women’s relationship matches.

Trans-loving men: no different

Now let’s look at trans-attraction. No distinction between transgender and trans-attraction exists. Both kinds of people come into the world possessing humanity-changing potential.

For the trans-attracted man, nothing compares to the resonance he feels for transgender women. That’s because such men chose before coming into the world “trans-attraction” as one of many attributes or values they would express.

Like the women coming into the world as trans, such men chose to be trans-attracted before coming. They came presenting a new way of being to humanity so humanity can evolve. So humanity can fulfill its collective desire.

What collective desire?

Evolving closer and closer to unconditional love, which is the emotional state of All That Is. Trans-attracted men made the choice for personal reasons too: They want to evolve into unconditional love for themselves as well.

Trans-attracted men and transgender women, therefore, represent two sides of the same coin. Together they comprise a match literally made in heaven. Think about it:

  • Transgender people at some point initially feel “different” once they tap into their transness. Trans-attracted men do too when they discover how adorable trans women are.
  • Nearly every transgender person strives to reconcile that “difference” by self-integrating that back into wholeness. Many transgender people struggle with this however. Trans-attracted men struggle too with this self-integration. The struggle may look different, but a struggle it remains, and at its basic nature it is the same with both parties.
  • Most transgender people don’t accept who they are at first. Trans-attracted men don’t either. They feel shame and embarrassment. The shame gets amplified in this toxic-masculine, heterosexual-dominated global culture. Lacking support networks, as men, they struggle even more than trans women sometimes, and, again, as men, often struggle alone.
  • For many years, prior to the “trans boom” trans people buried this part of themselves. They refused to accept and express it or transition. While there’s greater acceptance these days allowing trans women to transition and live authentically, trans-attracted men remain afraid to live authentically. There are a LOT of trans-attracted men. But many remain in the shadows.

These similarities offer striking insights. But so do the differences…

What differences?

  • Trans women these days have a robust network of fellow travelers they can lean on. There’s a TON of support systems out there for them. Not so with trans-attracted men.
  • Trans-attracted men are where trans women were, say, 30 years ago. They are on their own. Hardly anyone is out there trying to help them. Recently, VERY FEW such men have come out to voice their attraction. Yet, the shame they live with continues to dominate.
  • Trans women often can compromise on relationship partners. They choose to be with a woman after trying (unsuccessfully) to find a man. They can remain with their wives, and often do, after transitioning. Trans-attracted men can do neither, unless they remain on the DL. But eventually they get found out. When that happens, their relationship is usually over.
  • There is MASSIVE public support these days for transgender people. Meanwhile, trans-attracted men remain a hidden population, often shamed into that covert life through homophobic presumptions, and, again, toxic masculine beliefs.

I’m not making a comparison akin to the “Pain Olympics”. Trans people still struggle. A lot. But it’s no denying that trans-attracted men remain where trans women were 30 years ago. It doesn’t help that the very objects of a trans-attracted man’s desire (trans women) often loathe him. That leaves the trans-attracted man with no where to turn. Is it any wonder they are on the DL, pursue hookers and consume trans porn?

I don’t think so.

The connection here to me is striking. Because the satisfaction in love trans women look for (in a man) is available in trans-attracted men. But only if trans women can give up holding such men in disparagement and revulsion. The paradox of it is – and this again represents the special relationship – the love such women seek is being held at bay by the very disparagement and revulsion those same women hold!

Mistaking attraction as fetish

Transgender women yearn for love and belonging, acceptance and respect. Trans-attracted men want to love transgender women for what they are and yearn to do so. But that kind of love, belonging and acceptance doesn’t start right out of the gate.

Loving someone for who they are comes over time, as two get to know one another. The basis upon which loving someone for who they are begins first with what they are. That’s why straight men seek straight women, gay men seek gay men, etc. Why wouldn’t a transgender woman want someone who will accept them first for what they are, then, get to know them for who they are?

Because some transgender women don’t accept themselves for what they are.

Many transgender women will not acknowledge the validity of trans-attraction. That unacknowledgement reflects their own self invalidation. Many trans women call trans-attraction a “fetish”, which is ironic because by claiming one fetishizes trans women, trans women simultaneously make themselves into an object. That’s why being fetishized without consent feels so bad. It’s not that the person sees trans women as a fetish, it’s because TRANS WOMEN interpret those people’s attention as such and then reap all that comes with that interpretation. Including the bad feelings.

A trans-attracted guy, once he gets over his shame, recognizes and respects the validity of transgender women. Then he relishes and is eager to experience love consistent with what he wants: a trans girl. There’s nothing “fetish” about that. It’s no different than cis people relishing and being eager to be with other cis people.

Acknowledging the elephant

The problem is, transgender women want heterosexual cis men to accept them as heterosexual cis women. But transgender women are not “women” in that way…they are more than women. No, this isn’t about “best of both worlds” or “something extra”. Nor is it about the political spat underway about bathrooms, feminism and the like.

Some transgender women find accepting they are more than women impossible, while other transgender women, in private conversations, acknowledge “trans” as actually something BETTER than “(cis) woman”. Trans-attracted men are attracted to trans women because they are transgender. They (the men) find outstanding qualities that come with being “trans”.

What qualities? These:

  • Assertiveness
  • Strength
  • Power
  • Clarity in their desires
  • Straight talk about sex and sexual pleasure
  • Bravery
  • The massive struggle trans people go through to be themselves, which like heat to steel tempers them and makes their characters shine.

Most of all though, is that quality one cannot put a finger on that has to do with the special relationship between being transgender and being trans-attracted. All other things being equal, transgender women and trans-attracted men are perfect matches.

So long as either side of that match refuses to accept who and what they are, however, that match shows up as no match at all. It’s not because no match exists. It’s because one side or the other believes no match exists. And so, for that side, a match doesn’t.

Perfect matches: the rule of the day

This paradox, of invalidating a match even while it exists, isn’t exclusive to the trans community. Indeed, it’s in every human relationship. You think humans relationships are random happenings? No! There’s no coming together that isn’t divinely intended, meaning, every coming together represents a perfect match of energies, vibrations, harmonics, whatever you want to call it.

All those words may sound like woo woo to you. But Transamorous Network and Positively Focused clients are well versed in the overwhelming evidence supporting the accuracy of those words. We all draw to ourselves those who are perfect matches to us at any given moment.

That perfectly explains why a trans woman who hates attention from trans-attracted men meet so many. Especially early-stage trans-attracted “chaser” men. Examine your beliefs. If you are meeting such men, it’s not by accident. If you want to meet “better” men, you must change how you think about men, relationships, love and, most importantly, yourself.

I know many trans women think they have healthy thoughts about themselves. But that can’t be if they’re not meeting men who they believe are healthy and wholesome. That’s because every pairing up is a perfect match!

And face it: if you end up in a relationship with a man, and that man knows you’re transgender, then that guy is trans-attracted. It doesn’t matter if he’s never dated a trans woman before. If you’re trans and he accepts that you are, he’s trans-attracted.

So why resist trans-attracted men?

The perfect match

It’s not hard finding our perfect matches. They’re all around us. And every match we enter into is a perfect match. The divine, unique and special relationship between transgender and trans attraction is, that relationship offers satisfaction at levels that can knock the socks off of everyone in that relationship.

But getting into that requires some work. Especially for trans women and trans-attracted men. That’s because both parties have many beliefs keeping them at odds with what they want.

And isn’t that ironic? The very thing they want, the Universe is bringing in abundance. But both parties hold it off through their persistent beliefs that such a match is impossible.

Trans-attracted men think they’ll never find the woman who will let them love her the way he want’s to. Trans women think the love they want exists everywhere, anywhere other than in the arms of a trans-attracted guy.

No worries. People can live their whole lives and never get what they want. Compromise is overabundant in humanity. And yet, some are finding the love they want. I know several relationships that have moved on to marriage. Some are new. Others have been going on for years. That’s because they’re perfect matches reflecting the unique and special relationship between a trans-attracted man and a trans woman.

While many trans women rail against the very men who can give them the love and happiness they seek, others are finding that love and happiness in the arms of their trans-attracted partners and husbands.

Are you such a woman? I hope you are. If not, you can be.

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Relationship Anarchy: A Perfect Way To Cis-Trans Love?

Photo by Orit Matee on Unsplash

TLDR: Relationship Anarchy (RA) challenges traditional relationship norms by advocating for love defined by personal values. However, the term’s negative connotations and anarchist affiliations have created misunderstandings. Despite RA’s merits, it cannot eclipse the ultimate relationship with one’s Broader Perspective, which provides unconditional love and fulfillment beyond what any human partnership can offer whether you’re trans or trans-attracted.

A relatively new relationship dynamic is emerging. More people find it a satisfying way to express themselves romantically and intimately while finding companionship. Trans people especially are finding it supportive. It’s called Relationship Anarchy (RA).

In this post we’re going to look at this new relationship model. Especially what it offers for trans and trans-attracted people. Instead of getting into it deeply, we will compare it to what we recommend regarding relationships. That’s because, it’s a definite improvement on humanity’s past “success” with relationships. And it offers greater flexibility for those uninterested in cis-het traditions. But it still falls short of the ultimate relationship: that one relationship that gives us everything we want. Including satisfying relationships.

So let’s take a look at RA. Then let’s contrast that against the ultimate relationship. The only one through which we get everything we want.

What is RA?

Andie Nordgren coined the phrase Relationship Anarchy in 2006. Her English manifesto on the matter, written in 2012, gives broad strokes on what it looks like. The way Andie describes it, RA sounds great!

Among the broad strokes is the assertion that love is abundant. RA says entitlement runs rampant in traditional relationships and that entitlement should be replaced with love and respect. Andie recommends that people define their values, then use frequent communication to infuse their relationship with those values, alongside a partner who shares them.

The biggest shift from traditional relationships is Andie’s suggestion to “customize” one’s relationship and commitment. Rather than relying on social norms, Andie says, we should define our relationship on our own terms while ignoring society’s expectations.

It’s no wonder then that Wikipedia includes RA in its non-monogamy
and polyamory series.

Because of this flexibility RA fits nicely with trans/trans-attracted relationships. With RA, it’s possible to create a relationship that works no matter what values one has. Especially if one’s values run contrary to societal norms. And every cis-trans relationship does that.

The rise of domestic partnership laws across the country play a role here too. They make benefits once reserved to married people, accessible to LGBTQ people.

Anarchist affiliations…not good

And while Andie describes it optimistically without comparing it to something else, Wikipedia takes a different tack on RA. This is where problems start show up.

That’s because the word “anarchy” itself is problematic. It brings a lot of bad vibes to the table. Further, most people familiar with the term see anarchy as destructive. Even though anarchists claim the concept to be constructive. Historically, the movement has not been constructive, however.

The result is anarchy is seen mostly as “anti-“. It’s also often associated with violence.

We can’t be “anti” something without enflaming that thing we’re against. Which explains why anarchists have made virtually no progress in creating society based on its ideas. And that brings us back to RA. RA and Wikipedia.

The anti relationship

The Wikipedia entry on RA describes its principles as pretty much anti-everything. At least when it comes to relationships. I would argue Andie doesn’t see RA that way. Andie’s characterization is fresh, positive and encouraging. But the Wikipedia entry. Well, see for yourself:

Indeed, this article, featuring two people in an RA relationship, speak in similar language. It’s interesting that one person in that relationship is transgender. The other; lesbian. Their sexual practices are decidedly outside the norm. It makes sense then that RA is a good fit for them.

And yet, both contrast and define their relationship by what it’s not, comparing it to existing, undesirable relationships. Both also inject politics into the mix. I get politics is important to many. But it needn’t be an influence. Especially in one’s love life.

Now it could be the Wikipedia contributor who wrote the article is biased. He could interpret “anarchy” as “anti”. But the article linked in the above paragraph also characterizes RA as a “political” take on relationships. One trying to redefine what relationships look like. One also striving to “fix” power dynamics some RA folks think are bad.

But can we really define something based on what it is not? I think Andie does a better job describing the concept. It seems, however, others turned the concept into a political idea. I’m not sure Andie meant it that way.

The best relationship

Which brings me to the point of this piece. RA is great. It’s offers a fresh view of relationships. It certainly offers better options. Better options for those who feel uncomfortable with amatonormative edicts. It’s again not surprising the couple in this article includes both a trans person and a queer woman.

And yet, all relationships with other people fall short when compared to the one relationship that gives us everything we want. That is, our relationship with our Broader Perspective. While it’s nice finding love in another’s eyes, that love will nearly always be conditional.

Even in an RA relationship.

For even there, a person must find connections with people who have similar values. That makes sense. But even then, people will sometimes end up in conflict. What the couple does in that case depends a lot on how stable each person is within themselves. And there’s no better stability than that found in our Broader Perspective.

Besides, our relationship with our Broader Perspective opens us to a love causing other loves to pale in comparison. It’s strong. It’s lasting. Our Broader Perspective’s love literally overwhelms us in its depths. And it feels freaking great!

Furthermore, through our Broader Perspective, everything is possible. Including finding the perfect partner. That is, if one wants that. In so many ways relationship with our Broader Perspective offers what human ones cannot: a foundation from which to live one’s life authentically.

When we put our Broader Perspective relationship first, other relationships happen easily. (Photo by Oziel Gomez on Unsplash)

Literally all we want..including freedom from death

Our Broader Perspective relationship is here to lead us to everything we want. All our desires get fulfilled through it. Our Broader Perspective showers us with that which we’re wanting. When we put that relationship up front, those things flow easily into our reality.

Human partners can help us get things. They can connect us with jobs. They may even connect us with financial opportunity. But those too often come through filters, filters that often aren’t in synch with what we really want.

In other words, our Broader Perspective knows us best. It knows what will thrill us. It knows the best path to everything we want. Whether that be a material thing, or something else.

But the biggest thing that relationship offers is something no human can touch. It offers freedom from the fear of death. I know, that sounds crazy. After all, so many of us are too busy living. Too busy living to think about death.

Well, it seems that way.

But most people’s fear of death is front and center in their lives. It’s one reason people worry about time running out. Their fear of getting old has its basis in death. So does their fear of being single.

Fear of death takes many forms

The fear of death is pervasive in the world. It doesn’t feel like it’s about death though. That’s because the fear hides behind other fears.

What kind of fears? Fears of being cast out of a group, for example. The fear of losing one’s job is another. The fear of being unable to support one’s family is yet another. As is the fear of one’s human partner betraying us. There are plenty more.

These fears mimic the ultimate fear, which is the fear of dying.

And so people respond to all these fears in predictable ways. They’re impatient. They’re demanding. Some take unsatisfying jobs. They are desperate and insecure. And in that, they cut themselves off from the one thing that can relieve them of all these fears and more: their Broader Perspective.

The fear of ending up here can take many forms. (Photo by davide ragusa on Unsplash)

Now I’m not saying don’t have human partners. What I am saying is, first, ground ourselves in the one partnership giving us everything we want.

When one does that, there’s little “need” for anything else. Because everything else flows from there. Including human love.

I’m in favor of RA. I wish it had a different name. RA is closer to the Broader Perspective love I’ve described in this post than any of the other coupling humans form. Including parent-child bonds. Even with RA, however, there’s still a ways to go though.

The better it gets the better it gets

And isn’t that the great thing about life experience? There is always a ways more to go. Because life is eternal. We never get to the end. We’re never perfect. But in the perfection of the now, we are perfect. Not perfect as in “complete”. Not perfect as in “done”. But perfect in our becoming more.

Standing there, I see this RA concept fitting what I want in partnership. With my stability rooted in my Broader Perspective, I know what I’m wanting is on the way. I’m eager to see it unfold. I’ve had tastes of it. And I’m patient for further unfolding.

Andie’s onto something with their RA concept. I’m clear something better exists though. I enjoy that now. Which allows me to feel excitement. Excitement and joy about those finding satisfaction in RA.

Good partnerships elude many. That’s because many look there for something that’s not in a human partnership. That something only comes from a relationship with themselves. I write this blog to show people how to “know thyself”. And in doing that, find happiness from within, instead of looking for it outside themselves.

My clients are finding that happiness. Along the way, they get more of what they want too. Their examples fill me with eagerness. They also amplify my own happiness.

Maybe you’re ready for your version of that? If you are, contact me. Let’s get you started. Let’s find out how “better” life can get.

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Why It’s Not Bad When People Get Romance Scammed

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

I suppose most people think being scammed is a bad thing. But a scammer taking advantage of you tells you something really good.

No, it doesn’t tell you you’re stupid. Or that you should be more aware…although you probably should. What it is telling you is that there is something happening inside you that makes you a match to that experience.

Yes, the scam “victim” draws that experience into their life. Being scammed isn’t a random event. No event is. Instead, it’s a reflection of an inner state, a vibrational state. As with every event, getting scammed vibrationally matches a similar inner state, so it shows up in the scammed person’s experience as manifested reality.

This is what happened with a client recently, although she caught it early enough to avoid being scammed. Just like I did before.

I wrote about what most people would say was the positive side of this experience last week on my other blog. But this week I’m going to share another positive side. A side most would probably think was “negative”.

But it’s not. It’s very, very positive. And it’s something that could improve every trans woman’s and trans-attracted man’s experience in finding love.

Desperation: a great money maker

As I wrote last week, this client finds herself attached to a certain guy. This guy waffles in his affection for her. The client knows she deserves better. But because of beliefs causing her attachment, she can’t pull herself away from the guy. I mean, she could, but she feels compelled not to.

As a result, she wants him to change. But he won’t change. That’s because her focus remains on his waffling behavior. She doesn’t like that behavior. But because she fixates on it, it persists.

Not only that. It’s getting stronger.

And as it does, her desire for it to change gets stronger too. So the two amplify each other. That amplification leaves my client feeling desperate. And desperation is what the vibration feels like that makes one a match to scammers.

Especially scammers who use the potential of finding love as their leverage.

No where are people more desperate than in their pursuit of love. That’s especially true in the trans community, which includes trans-attracted people. Folks are willing to spend thousands to get it. They’re willing to kiss a lot of frogs too!

Meanwhile, the endearing, unconditional love people seek in the world around them exists right there inside them. It’s the connection between them and their Broader Perspective. And when a person connects to that, love from another human pales in comparison.

The irony is, when a person has this inner relationship front-and-center, human relationships get better. And love one wants from another human gets better too.

Conditional love or unconditional love?

The client in question doesn’t have this Broader Perspective relationship front-and-center though. Instead, she’s allowed her relationship with Mr. Waffle to displace that relationship. And this is why she feels desperate. Because love from another human always comes with conditions. Broader Perspective love, however, is unconditional.

Displace that unconditional love with conditional love and the immediate feeling is insecurity. Keep it there long enough and insecurity turns to worry, concern, fear, jealousy and even hatred. These emotions happen when that unconditional love another human brings to the table bears out as unconditional: when they get mad at us for not meeting their expectations. Or for doing something they don’t like.

Our Broader Perspective has no conditions we can’t meet. It doesn’t get mad at us. We don’t irritate it. It just loves us, period.

A person trying to rely on conditional love can develop feelings of desperation when everything they try fails to coax their partner into behaving the way they want. That’s what was happening with this client. And that’s why she was feeling desperation.

Finding her way

So last week when those four new perfectly-matched dating options showed up, the client was overjoyed, at first. As she explored one of them more deeply, however, he turned out to be a scammer. A scammer preying on people desperate for love.

This revelation had the client feeling angry, then sad. But what was happening wasn’t sad. It didn’t have to be anger-inducing either. That’s because the experience showed my client exactly where she was vibrationally. And if she didn’t know where she was vibrationally standing, she couldn’t do anything about it.

Thankfully, the client’s Broader Perspective got her attention well enough to trigger skepticism about this person. She looked into it a bit more, then discovered the plot.

She’s still struggling though. She hasn’t yet found her way through disempowering stories on various subjects. Stories that have her feeling vibrationally low. And creating circumstances, events…and men, projecting that low vibration back to her.

And yet, improvement is on the horizon. So long as one persists in their focus, their desire to improve their vibration, that will happen. Then the world must reflect that improved vibration back to her in the form an improving life experience.

In the meantime, this client already has created enough evidence on other subjects proving telling positive stories works. So she’s going to persist. Which means she’s eventually going to get everything she desires. Including a satisfying relationship.

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Are Latin-American Women More Open To Trans-Attraction?

Photo by Ben Ostrower on Unsplash

In light of two calls I’ve received recently, I’m beginning to wonder what’s happening in South America. Could it be that Latin cis-women are more open in their sexuality than the rest of the world?

Or, is the experience I’ve just had indicative of a trend emerging world wide?

Over the years, several cis-women sent me messages about what I share. Apparently, some wives of trans-attracted men have no other source of advice. So they end up at The Transamorous Network website. I suppose that’s not a surprise. People have told me The Transamorous Network dominates search rankings for “transamory” and “transamorous”.

But wives of trans-attracted men must know that term in order to search for it. Am I right? Or can they use other search terms and end up at The Transamorous Network? I don’t really know.

Whatever the case, over the last few years, I’ve been on the receiving end of several wives’ ire. They’ve complained bitterly about discovering their husbands’ trans-attraction. Some found their men engaged in conversations with escorts, or having sex with them. Or they’ve found transgender porn on their men’s computer history.

Nearly all these women expressed outrage at their husbands’ behavior. And all of them live in North America.

Recently, however, I got two calls indicating perhaps a change in all that.

Love overcomes all?

Both these women called me from South America. One from Brazil, the other, who I spoke with just this morning, from Colombia. The Brazilian has a trans-attracted long-term boyfriend. The woman from Colombia married her spouse more than a decade ago. Both women were not upset about their husband’s trans attraction. In fact, both knew about it not long after meeting their partners.

But in both cases, the men’s trans attraction began significantly affecting the relationship. So much so both women reached out for advice. Both women expressed wanting to remain with their partners. And both want to help their partners so they can remain in the relationship. I think that’s remarkable.

Is it ironic both women are from latin cultures? I thought these cultures, both sharing hefty doses of Catholicism, would frown on trans attraction, comparing it to homosexuality. And yet, both these women proved me wrong. Both were open and quite supportive of their men’s sexual interest.

Meanwhile, as I wrote above, every woman who expressed ire over their men’s behavior called or wrote from the United States. Might this indicate something? I don’t know. Samples sizes are far too small to tell.

But when talking with these two South American women, I could feel their openness to my explanation of their men’s issues. They both recognized the spiritual origins of their men’s trans attraction. They also had compassion for the shame and guilt their men felt. So much so, it surprised me.

It also surprised me that I got no push back when I told them the best way to support their men and their partnerships was to focus on the positive aspects of their men. Neither woman contested the idea that they create their reality through what they think and say. I thought that remarkable too.

Is the world changing?

I don’t know if the world is changing in this way. But it is great to talk with cis-women who aren’t threatened sexually or otherwise by their men’s trans attraction. I can tell both feel their men’s trans attraction will enhance their relationships. These women’s level of commitment to their relationships and their partners was, to me, extraordinary.

Perhaps trans attraction is entering a stage similar to being transgender: where the men (and women) who find trans people irresistible will find acceptance. That acceptance may currently be in small pockets around the world. But hey, that’s a toe-hold. It may be the beginning of a larger development.

And it just might be that I have created around me a bubble of people progressive enough, spiritual enough to recognize trans attraction as a blessed thing. Something as worthy as any other expression of love.

I’m ok with that.

I love talking with and encouraging people who already are open to new ways of being. It warms my heart knowing such cis-women exist. Just as I know trans women exist who are as accepting of trans-attracted men as they are accepting of themselves.

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HELP! My Husband Is Trans-Attracted. What do I do?

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Over time, women have written me after finding out their husbands/partners are trans-attracted. Recently, two such people sought my advice. Those conversations were enlightening. What can they do about their men’s trans attraction, they asked. Interestingly, both wanted to stay with their men.

Remaining with their partners is new. At least in my experience. Past women writing me expressed outrage. Or they felt shame and revulsion. Or they felt betrayed at discovering their men find transgender women attractive.

Presumably, some readers are reading this because they’re in similar situations. I’m writing this post for those of you. The world doesn’t offer many resources for you. Just as it doesn’t offer many resources for your man. So you’re likely to make mistakes. Mistakes that could cost your marriage. Mistakes including believing that your relationship is over.

It doesn’t have to be.

Read on to discover a fresh, empowering perspective. A perspective about you, your relationship and the man you either are, or once were, in love with. In other words, there is hope. Hope for you, for your man and for your relationship.

I know what I’m talking about

Just for background: I’m a transamorous guy. “Transamorous” is a relatively new term. It means someone who is attracted to transgender women. “Trans-attraction” is another word for it. But the two aren’t the same.

Transamorous is a higher order, more mature version of trans-attraction. You can read more about the two in this post.

I have had my own experience with moving through trans-attraction to transamory. Part of that journey involved being married. My process happened over many years. Since then, I created this site to help men like me. As I wrote above, such men don’t have many resources they can turn to.

Given my experience, I’d say I’m an expert on this situation. Not only because I share the attraction your husband does. But also because I work with men like your husband.

I also work with trans women. So I have an understanding of both sides of the relationship dynamic which brings these two groups together. It’s a very strong dynamic that needs some explanation. The dynamic involves you too. Not in the way you probably think it does though.

But let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Suffice it to say, I know what I’m talking about. And I offer what I know to soothe concerns you’re feeling. It’s going to be ok. Don’t panic.

Knee-jerk reactions born of panic aren’t in your best interest. (Photo by Hailey Kean on Unsplash)

None of this is a judgement on you

This section is important. Some women discovering their man is trans-attracted make the mistake of blaming themselves. You must not do this. Nothing has gone wrong although it may feel that way. You’re not a bad partner. This has nothing to do with your sexuality, or your ability to please your man.

There’s nothing you could have done to prevent this. What’s happening is the natural unfolding of your relationship. Because it’s natural, it was unavoidable. In some way, at some time, this was going to happen. So rather than thoughts like “my relationship was a sham all along”, or “My self-esteem is shattered”, it’s better to consider that everything about your relationship is working. It’s just that some things are happening you just don’t understand yet.

Society conditions us to put other people’s opinions of us ahead of our own. That shows up in thoughts like “what are people going to think of me?” or “I’m going to be the laughing stock of my church”. People’s tendency to put other people’s opinions of them ahead of their own is a major impediment to happiness generally.

But it really is detrimental in this situation. Mainly because what’s happening is a special event. An event those around you are likely to not understand at all. More importantly, considering others’ opinions at this time will disempower your ability to reap the wonderful opportunities that exist in this situation. For you, for your partner and for the world generally. This especially includes opinions of your family and your friends.

So you must do your best to refrain from thinking about what others might or are thinking about what you’re experiencing. Their opinions do not matter.

You came into this situation on purpose. You came with everything you need to benefit tremendously from it. No one who matters is negatively judging you. You might be though. If you are, that’s not helpful.

Your emotions might be acting against you

Whether you’ve just found out or consciously knew all along, what you’re experiencing in your relationship is a special situation. It’s human evolution happening right before your eyes. As such, this is not a sexual, or romantic situation. It may seem that way. But that’s the wrong context to look at what you and your husband are going through. If you look at it from there, you’re sure to feel betrayal and other similar emotions.

Meanwhile, this is a much bigger, much more important experience for both of you. It CAN be a deepening of your relationship, not a destroyer of it. But how YOU frame it will determine which it will be. So not panicking is in your best interest. In fact, the more logical you can be about this situation, for now, the better.

We’ll reintroduce emotional reactions in a bit.

For now, it’s important that you not engage with or invest in your emotional reaction. That’s because you’re likely to create unfavorable outcomes. Particularly if you’re feeling negative emotions about what’s happening. So any negative emotional reactions are acting against you.

I’m presuming you love your man. Or loved him up to discovering what he’s been doing. I argue that you still love him. You may not feel that love right now. Maybe you do. If you do, that’s a great start.

If you don’t, I ask you just be patient a bit. I promise the love you have for him will return. It may return by the time you finish reading this.

What’s happening with your man

As I wrote above, your man is undergoing a process. It is a divine, spiritual process of human evolution. It’s not about sex or romance, although it sure looks like that. And, your man probably doesn’t understand what’s happening to him either. I mean, sure, he feels arousal. He can see his behavior. But he may not be very clear about why what’s happening is actually happening.

As such, he’s likely questioning a lot of things. Particularly, he’s questioning his own sexuality and sense of self. Meanwhile, many other thoughts are going on in his head. Some of those thoughts are about you. They’re about his love for you. They likely are scary thoughts. Thoughts about what might happen if you find out. Thoughts that you will judge him harshly when you find out.

And, while he’s thinking all this stuff, he’s feeling shame, embarrassment, self-loathing and more. Which all explains why he’s doing what he’s been doing in secret. He just can’t bear to talk with you about it. Hell, he can barely acknowledge it to himself!

He also has nowhere to turn. The internet doesn’t help (save for my content and a smattering of other scant sources). But it can provide relief and space to explore. Relief in the form of porn, which allows exploration. But maybe your man has moved beyond that. He might be seeing a trans woman on the side. He may be seeing and paying for escorts or prostitutes who happen to be trans.

All these acts are part of this glorious process of human evolution. He doesn’t feel it that way. And, likely, neither do you. Nevertheless, that’s what it is. Let’s take a dispassionate look at that process.

It’s evolution baby!

We humans are way more than our bodies. No matter what your religion says or what your beliefs are, we are eternal beings enjoying a human experience. That experience has definite purposes. One of those is something I call “expansion”.

I’m not going to go into great detail here. The point is, your husband before he became a human, embarked on his human journey knowing full well he would experience what he’s experiencing: this thing called trans attraction. He knew it would cause his expansion. And here’s the kicker: he also knew it would create expansion for humanity, the world and the Universe at large.

Another kicker: the fact that you’re involved with him can only mean one thing: you were in this from the beginning. In other words, you also agreed to have this journey, this evolutionary adventure. That’s how you saw it before you became a human: an adventure.

Maybe you don’t see it that way now. But you can. Believe it or not, this experience will enrich your relationship. But you must make the decision that triggers that enrichment. No one else can do it. Including your man.

This evolution is causing humanity to see itself in new ways. It’s not new from our divine, eternal perspective. But as humans, it is new. The newness feels like “never been before”, and “pushing the boundries of self-expression”. It feels like “breaking down limiting beliefs and prejudices”. It feels like “letting go of what we’ve been told.”

So this process is divinely inspired to move humanity forward. And you, dear reader, are an active participant. I want you to see yourself as a supportive, willing active participant.

What your man is going through represents a divinely-inspired process of human evolution. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)

The transgender experience

“Transgender” is the flip-side of your husband’s experience. Trans people and your husband are working together at a divine level. Transgender women, your man and men like him agreed to all of this. They knew the world would be better off as a result.

Being trans is a leading edge expression of humanity. Maybe you’ve noticed how much in the news the experience is. It’s literally transforming every aspect of civilization. From bathrooms to boardrooms, from the pews to politics, transgender people are fulfilling their roles. Many of them don’t understand what they’re doing from the perspective I’m writing. That doesn’t invalidate what you’re reading though. Like your man, these people don’t remember a time before their human birth. But that time heavily influences everything happening here.

Which is why nearly every transgender person feels being trans was something that happened to them, rather than something they chose.

Glory inherent in this experience already is being seen in many trans people’s lives. Success, wealth, recognition and increased freedoms are becoming an increasingly common experience for these people.

But the one area where they still struggle – particularly trans women – is self-acceptance. Self-acceptance and, as an extension, finding love. This is where your man comes in.

He’s a reflector

Your man’s role in these women’s lives is to reflect acceptance, love and appreciation back to the women. It’s a journey. It’s a process. One that works both on the women and your man. For your man is likely not accepting who he is as a trans-attracted person. Which is why he’s hiding it. He’s also afraid of what friends, family and society at large will think of him. Just as he’s afraid of what you might think of him.

This fear is similar to fears trans women have about themselves. In that way, the two groups – trans women and trans-attracted men – are perfect mirrors of one another. And the divine gift is, the two groups coming together and, in that process, both finding “healing” (that’s not a word I use often but it’s the best I can think of as I write this).

Now, your man is also reflecting for you. Presumably you two met and developed a love for one another. Real love is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions, love remains at the forefront. Any other kind of love is not love. So if you’re feeling anything other than love for you man, even in the awareness of his trans-attraction, then you do not love him.

This is important to understand.

Your man, therefore, is helping YOUR expansion too. Expansion into what? Into unconditional love. Which is, by the way, your natural state. You ARE love. That’s why it feels so good to love and be loved. Both experiences faithfully reflect back to you what you are. Make sense?

The power of your thoughts is real

Think about the following statements:

  • I once loved (name of your man)
  • Maybe I still love (name of your man)
  • I am in a relationship with (name of your man) because I love(d) (name of your man)
  • I don’t want (name of your man) to suffer
  • He’s hiding this from me because he’s scared
  • Maybe he’s hiding this from me because he’s also embarrassed
  • (name of your man) might not understand what he’s feeling
  • He probably believes he must be “the man” for me
  • And this experience is probably challenging that for him
  • He doesn’t have to be “the man” for ME
  • But he might think he has to
  • So (name of your man) is struggling with this as much as I am
  • I hope he’s not suffering
  • Maybe he thinks he’s gay
  • Maybe I think this means he’s gay (my note: he’s not)
  • I want him to be happy
  • I don’t want him to be embarrassed or scared
  • There’s compassion in me for (name of your man)
  • I do love (name of your man)
  • I want us both to be happy

These are productive thoughts about this situation. Maybe you’re feeling even a smidgen of compassion, more understanding or love for your man after reading them. Or maybe just a bit of relief from your negative judgements. If you are, then you’ve experienced the power of your thoughts.

The way out of this situation is using that power. You’re using it now. But if you’re feeling negative or judgy about it, then you’re using it to your detriment. And the detriment of your relationship.

But if you use it deliberately you can completely and totally transform this experience. Not just for you, but for your man too. And for your relationship. Let’s look at what I’m talking about.

Your thoughts create everything

I’m not going to go into great detail here. That’s the purpose of my client work. But your thoughts and beliefs are the source of your entire earthly experience. And the more you deliberately think and believe, the better your life will get.

That includes people you interact with. The more you deliberately think and believe about people in your life, the better those people will become for you. That’s how powerful you are. My clients are proving this to themselves every week. I’m experiencing it in my life too, which is why I can teach people how to do this.

Inherent in you is the ability to create any version of any experience that is consistent with your desire. You can’t change other people’s desires. You can’t, for example, create a version of your husband who is not trans-attracted. Doing so would violate free will, which is a basic tenet of All That Is.

But you can create a more joyful version of your relationship/marriage. You can make it more consistent with what you are: unconditional love. And in doing so, you can transform who you are. When you do that, the world, including your relationship and your man, will reflect that back to you.

But to use this power, you must give up blaming. You must give up blaming others for your experience. That includes giving up making your man wrong for his trans-attraction or anything he’s done.

Here’s the thing: You knew he was trans-attracted when you first met him and didn’t read the clues. Nothing happens without you knowing on some level. That’s because you are the creator of your reality. No one else is creating it.

You create your entire experience. Including your relationship. (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)

Recreating your relationship

So going forward, you have an awesome option regarding this situation: You can start deliberately thinking and believing about it. Do that and the situation will change in your favor!

Changing it has nothing to do about changing your partner. It has everything to do with YOU changing. You must become a more positive thinker/believer. You must begin reframing everything in your experience as positive. Including what your husband is doing. Do that and you’ll find your relationship seemingly miraculously changing.

So you may think the problem is what your man is doing. That’s not the problem. The problem is what you’re thinking about what your man is doing. That’s where your suffering is coming from. It’s coming from how you’re thinking and believing.

Rectifying your thoughts and beliefs isn’t easy. Mostly because many beliefs lurk beneath one’s conscious awareness. This explains why having someone like me around is helpful. I can spot unconscious beliefs in another better than they can themselves.

A therapist will not be as effective. That’s because they’re going to include your man in their solution. The problem though isn’t your man. It’s not his behavior. It’s what you’re thinking about both those subjects. Many other subjects too!

If you felt some relief reading those statements above, you’ve already had direct experience with the effectiveness of the approach I’m outlining here.

It’s powerful for a reason

This approach is extremely effective. That’s because it relies on basic building blocks of All That Is. Building blocks you constantly use to create your experience. You just don’t know that’s what you’re doing.

Do it deliberately and you will literally transform your relationship/marriage. And your husband. And yourself. The change doesn’t happen overnight. But initial signs are immediate.

The opposite is true too. If you’re worried, concerned, angry, feeling betrayed or similar emotions, you’re using this approach to create a future you’re not wanting. That’s why I wrote at the beginning that panicking is not in your best interest.

So find ways to relax. Look for things in your relationship that please you. Focus on those. Talk yourself into appreciation of your man and what you have with him. Then, maybe, you’ll feel better. Then you’ll be inspired to open a dialogue with him instead of starting a fight. Maybe you’ll be inspired to tell him you love him. That you want him to be happy no matter what. But that you’d like to remain with him and walk this path together.

If you can get there, then you have a chance. Anything that has you relax and find peace with yourself works in your best interest.

This is not a comprehensive explanation. It’s meant to offer advice that will work. But you must act on it. What I’ve written here isn’t enough to make the process work for you. There’s just not enough room to explain a process that requires hundreds of hours to master.

But mastering it gives you the keys to your kingdom. With it, you can create anything you want. Including a relationship full of unconditional love, rewarding experiences and a deepening peace and happiness.

It can save your relationship/marriage too!

Want to now more? Contact me. Let’s talk.