The Best Trans Girlfriend: Played By Nava Mau

TLDR: The author reviews the Netflix Limited Series Baby Reindeer with a focus on the transgender character Teri. They argue Teri represents the ideal trans partner in many ways. Then they encourage trans-attracted men to become matches to their ideal trans partners rather than trying to make a relationship happen as a way of getting all they want in love.

I’m very near the end of gushing about Netflix’s Baby Reindeer. Just two more things need mentioning about this wonderful show. It’s wonderful because, as mentioned in the last post, Baby Reindeer reveals underlying causes keeping nearly all trans-attracted men in the shadows.

Primary among those causes is self loathing. Self loathing is as common among transgender women as it is among trans-attracted men. Which is one dimension across which both groups represent perfect matches.

But that’s another story; one I’ve shared many times. In this story, I want to focus on Teri, the transgender character played by Nava Mau. I’m going to crush a little on the actress too. So bear with me.

Alright, here we go.

Trans women and the power they possess

Speaking of crushing, this blog asserts over and over that trans women possess a unique power. Especially when they embrace all that they are. I’ve seen trans-attracted men literally transformed for the better because of that power. This power also partly explains why trans-attracted men who enjoy the pleasure of actually dating a trans woman finds himself so smitten to the core.

Teri, whom Donny, Baby Reindeer’s main character, meets on a dating website, is exactly the kind of trans woman I’m writing about. She’s self assured, measured and clear-headed. It helps, of course that she’s a therapist. Which also tells us she’s got some baggage herself. Therapists become therapists for a reason. And really good therapists are really good for that same reason.

Anyway, Teri’s at first open minded. She’s eager to get to know Donny, even though he’s presenting a totally bogus version of himself. That’s because he’s deeply shameful of his attraction. Which is interesting because Nava Mau is gorgeous in the extreme. And, to me, totally passable.

That doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. For a trans-attracted man dealing with his shame, however, it would seem Teri is a great match because she looks convincingly like a cis woman. Still, Donny tries Teri’s patience. She sees right through his lies, but goes along anyway. I presume she’s hoping to meet the real Donny eventually.

Nava Mau (Instagram)

Trans women: helping the men helps you

Which brings me back to the power of trans women. Listen ladies, if you want to be with a man, many such men exist who will love you out loud exactly as you are. But many more need some training. If you’re willing to, helping a guy get through his shame can create a lasting, deep love.

It also, however, can lead to disastrous outcomes. Which is why I advocate a particular approach to relationships. One that first starts with the relationship with yourself. Get that stable and it’s really easy to create any kind of relationship you want. Including with a guy. But if your relationship with yourself is wobbly, you can’t access that power, that focus that literally can turn a man into a prime relationship candidate.

There’s no reason a trans woman who wants to be with a man can’t be with one. But disempowering beliefs will put the kibosh on that goal every time. Those who tell positive stories – about themselves, about their man and their relationship – can literally create the ideal relationship from one that seems deeply flawed.

After all, we all meet our matches in the moment we meet them. That means every relationship we get into is a match. We might not like what that relationship contains, but isn’t it true that in every failed relationship we are the common denominator? That means we and we alone can change the relationship, because we are the focus of it.

And if that’s available to us, why keep running through guys? Why not instead choose a guy and walk with him through his struggles? Maybe he’ll do the same for you.

Bring on an ass kicking

This is what Teri tries to do. And for a while it works. But then Donny does something so freaking disgusting, even I was shocked when it happened. I won’t ruin the show with a spoiler. I’ll just say for Teri, it was the final straw. Later in the series we see her again, dating another guy.

Nava Mau surprised me as an actress. I was confused when she first appeared because my radar pinged her as trans, but she passed so completely. Her acting, however, really won me over. It was so passionate, so spirited. So raw. I wonder if she drew on her own experiences dating men. Looking at her Instagram profile, she may be into women. If that’s the case, she’s an even better actress.

I particularly enjoyed that the show portrayed her as a professional, with her own home and her own life. What also surprised me though was when she and Donny’s stalker squared off in one espisode, I expected Teri to beat the living daylights out of that girl.

That wouldn’t have been consistent with the plot though. So I can see why her character didn’t give that crazy stalker an ass kicking. Still, many of the trans women I’ve met not only are smart and capable, they’re more than willing to bring an ass kicking to the table if necessary. Which is another thing I admire about certain trans women: they’re tough. They have to be given what many go through.

It’s just too bad so many let what they go through also shape their expectations, especially in the dating realm. Which is why I started this blog.

Meeting our match isn’t coincidence

Now let’s be clear. Plenty of trans women like Teri exist in the world. Read that again men. If you’re not meeting them, it’s because you’re not a match to them. They have things going on. While you may find them on online dating sites, I don’t think they’re at bars. So finding them means letting go of preconceived notions about how to date. It also means letting go of the idea that you know where to find her.

Meeting such women usually means such connections happening by “chance”. People like that term “chance”. “Coincidence” is another word they love. From The Transamorous Network’s perspective, however, chance and coincidence aren’t real. What’s really happening when a trans woman suddenly appears on our path is in that moment we’ve allowed our desire for relationship dominate expectations that such a relationship isn’t possible.

In other words, the Universe is showing us that what we think is impossible is, in fact, possible. Which explains why usually, when such meetings happen, the girl is with someone already. It’s not that she’s meant for us, she’s meant to show us what’s available; when we let go of stories keeping what’s available on the horizon.

I say if you want a transgender partner, the best approach is letting it happen naturally, not trying to make it happen. Trying to make it happen brings us matches matching ALL we are – warts and all. Better to let it happen in divine timing, a timing that also allows us to become better matches.

So that when our match does show up, the match has more of what we want than what we don’t.

Why Trans People Are Better Off With SELF-Validation

Photo by Caroline Veronez On Unsplash.

The external world offers unlimited opportunity to bless transgender and trans-attracted people. It also offers unlimited opportunity to put us in bondage. Which we experience depends on what we think. What we think about ourselves. And what we think about the world around us.

For many transgender and trans-attracted people, the latter is more important than the former. We think what the world around us thinks about us is more important than what we think about us. This is a trap. It’s a gateway to hell in a sense. That’s because putting others’ opinions on a pedestal binds our experience of ourselves to what they think.

Freedom comes from giving that up. If we get validation from our own opinions of ourselves, we come into tremendous power. For in choosing to believe in our own value, we can create worlds that otherwise are unavailable to us.

A perfect example of this came into my awareness this past week. Let’s take a look at what happened.

An excellent opportunity….maybe?

I’m going to write about this experience in more detail in a future post. But what came to mind in the experience is so valuable, I wanted to share this part of the experience right away.

A trans woman who works in the television industry reached out last week about a program she’s considering putting together. Like some transgender women, this person realizes a key component to greater acceptance of trans people lies in trans-attracted men being more out about their attraction. So she wants to put together a show about that. The show will follow trans-attracted men through their dating experiences.

The point of this story is the narrative shared. I don’t even know if she’s conscious of the highly limiting perspective her narrative forces her into. Nor do I think she’s aware of how her narrative — which will inevitably find its way into the show — limits what’s available to trans people.

When she contacted me, she had a lot of great things to say about trans-attracted men. Again, she recognized their importance. She also acknowledged how society largely ignores their experience. Furthermore she knows these men staying in the shadows doesn’t help. It doesn’t help them, it doesn’t help trans women, nor does it help humanity progress. Thus her desire to do the show.

But in thinking about casting men, she specifically described these potential cast members as “straight, trans-attracted men.”

Are “straight” men the key to greater trans acceptance? We’re not so sure. (Photo by Ashley Jurius on Unsplash)

Narratives aren’t often overt

Several times in our conversation she used this phrase. “Straight trans-attracted men,” she said, emphasizing the word “straight”. At the time I didn’t question this. It interested me more to help her project. I wanted to connect her with quality men from my network.

So I did that. Of the five men I contacted, four reached out to her. But after that success, I thought about her focus on “straight” trans-attracted men. I thought about it because the idea of the men needing to be “straight” belied a powerful story active in our conversation.

Interestingly, after talking to one of the men I recommended, that man came to me asking my advice. I knew what he wanted to talk about. Can you guess? That’s right! He was concerned about this trans woman’s narrative!

I wasn’t surprised by his perception. He’s not straight. Indeed, he’s about as queer as it gets. But he loves trans women. Not only trans women though. He’s finding himself, like me, embracing something more along the lines of post-transamory, which is something I’ll write about later.

The point is, both of us picked up on this person’s focus. When he contacted her about this, she said her show was indeed open to all kinds of men. I told my client that, in most cases, people aren’t aware of what narratives are shaping their reality. Still, we both agreed this show was important and needed support. So he agreed to go forward with it. I thought that was a good idea.

What “I’m straight” tells us

Here’s the thing: It’s my speculation that trans women wanting to date only “straight” men, is the flip side of another dynamic happening within the minds of trans-attracted men. I see this happening with some of the trans women I’ve worked with too.

Often, you will see on dating sites, men expressing their interest in trans women. But they’ll be sure to mention how “straight” they are. Often, the reason men do this is due to their internalized homophobia. It also reflects their stories about transgender women. They must emphasize their straight-ness because they believe being trans-attracted must mean they’re gay, which by extension means (to them) that trans women are something other than women.

Notice you’ll never hear a [presumably straight] man emphasize his straightness to cis women. I don’t know if that’s ever happened. Except perhaps when a woman questions the man’s heterosexuality. And in that case, a whole different thing is happening.

The fact that men feel they must assert their straightness is the same dynamic happening in trans women who demand only straight men show them interest. Let’s explore this further.

Something hidden’s happening in men asserting their straightness. (Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash)

It’s not in our best interest

Generally, trans women wanting only “straight” men are looking for a guy who is, presumably, heterosexual. Getting such a guy would confirm for her that she’s a woman. In other words, she’s wanting a man to validate her. And the more straight that man is, the more validation she gets. You could say she’s using the man. Using him for something that she could get from herself. Something she would be better off getting from herself.

If she KNEW herself to be a woman, she wouldn’t express a desire for a straight man. Just as pretty much all cis-women don’t bother expressing the need that her potential partner be straight. It’s just assumed because they see themselves as women. There’s no internal conflict.

Some trans women enjoy this internal integrity cis women enjoy. These trans women see themselves as not only whole, but a prize for ANY man lucky enough to be with them. But some other trans women don’t see themselves this way. To soothe what they think is missing, these women seek validation in the eyes of others. That sets such women up for a lot of problems.

That’s because the universe is organized not to give us what we want, but what we focus on. And the biggest thing that dynamic is designed to do is have us develop deeper levels of self-love, self-appreciation and worthiness.

When any person relies on another to validate themselves, they’re going to attract experiences showing them why that’s not in their best interest.

Lack of self-love and appreciation and worthiness invites people into our lives matching all that. Which means, we’re going meet people who equally are not self-validating themselves. Which explains why many trans women struggle meeting secure men. It’s because they, the trans women, are equally insecure.

What’s really happening

In the human dating dynamic, all kinds of people meet all kinds of people. It’s quite often that a bi-sexual man, for example, will end up with a “straight” woman. Vice versa too! I know a woman who married her high school sweetheart. They married right out of high school. Twenty something years later, she came out as gay, divorced her sweetheart and hooked up with a female. She’s been with that woman ever since.

People hook up often before each person understands themselves. (Photo by Oziel Gomez on Unsplash)

The fact is, all kinds of men will find themselves attracted to trans women. That’s because many trans women are attractive! A bi man might find a trans woman attractive enough to want to have her as his partner. A non binary person might as well. Labels people give to themselves and one another don’t matter, really. A preferable option: give up on trying to label our partners. We’ll enjoy greater freedom.

But if a person depends on their partner for validation, such as some trans women do, then they’re setting themselves up for trouble. In a lot of cases, men asserting their “straight-ness” don’t make good partners. They’re insecure. Some struggle with “toxic” masculinity. They’re also often still trying to figure themselves. And they will sometimes end up leaving a partner they once chose. Because that person was someone they chose out of themselves being unclear about who and what they are.

So while this television industry worker is doing something great for the trans community, inherent in her effort will be the trope that the only valid men for trans women are “straight ones”.

Holding out hope

So audiences, particularly men, will once again get mixed messages. Those struggling to see themselves as straight, even though they may not be, will think this show is saying “you’re wrong because straight men don’t suck dick.” Or “straight men don’t take it up the ass.”

Both of these are bullshit tropes. There are plenty of men who take it up the ass who are heterosexual. And, there are plenty of men who like sucking dick who aren’t attracted to men. I should know, I’ve spoken with MANY OF THEM.

Nothing is perfect because everything is seeking greater perfection. I think this show is going to break ground. It will open new avenues of understanding among people. It may even bring trans women and trans-attracted men closer. And yet, I’m slightly disappointed that the creator of this awesome idea holds to a distorted idea about the men she hopes to liberate.

I could be wrong. I hope I am. Let’s hope, should the show get the green light, that it helps more men – and trans women – than it hinders.

What Happens When Your Date Doesn’t Go As Desired

TLDR: The author recounts an encounter with a married, transitioning person, detailing their feelings, reactions, and the ultimate end of the potential relationship. They emphasize the importance of handling disappointment positively and with unconditional love, sharing personal insights and advice for readers navigating similar experiences. The story highlights the power of creating positive stories to shape future experiences.

In December, I met this amazing trans person. How I met him was so awesome, I wrote about it in a previous post.

Now, before you get triggered about me using “he/him” pronouns, a warning: don’t make assumptions. This story has a bunch of awesome twists in it. Including one having to do with this guy’s gender identity.

So keep reading.

I wrote that previous blog gushing about how the Universe coordinates events perfectly. So perfectly meeting him was a foregone conclusion. After meeting him that first time, I was smitten. He gave me his number. Then we set up time to meet. It would be our first real date. An opportunity to sniff each others’ butts…so to speak.

I felt we were a perfect match. But it was clear Quinn wasn’t so sure. I was up for the exploration, knowing however it would go, it would be perfect.

Take note!

Did you notice that last sentence? It expresses the purpose of this post. I’m writing this post as a followup. But I’m also, as always, offering advice on how to effortlessly meet your match. And to share what to do when your match doesn’t go as desired.

What you do when things seem to go wrong determines your future. This shouldn’t surprise regular readers. Your thoughts in the present shape your future. Negative thoughts align you with future experiences that will match that negativity. Positive thoughts align you with future positive experience.

So when your date doesn’t go as planned, you have a choice. You can create a future that looks like the experience you just had. Or you can create a future that looks different. How you think is how you create. And most trans women and trans-attracted guys are creating futures resembling their past experience. Which is why so many in both camps are unhappy in love.

So take note!

The fact is, your dating life is going perfectly. If it sucks, that’s showing you something you really want to know. It’s showing you that what you’re creating isn’t aligned with what you want. So change your creation approach!

Unfortunately, almost no humans understand this. So they double-down on stories creating their unpleasant results. Doing that, they create more unpleasant results! You don’t need to do that.

The Universe always reveals

The first indicator something was up was the frequency with which Quinn communicated. Bottom line: there was no frequency, because there was no communication. That was a red flag. I sent a confirmation text, to be sure he gave me the right number. I didn’t get a reply until the next day. When I replied to that message, I didn’t get a reply at all.

Something was up.

Of course, he could have been busy. But think about it: if someone really wants to get to know you, won’t their behavior match that? The answer is yes! If they’re not matching your eagerness then they’re not eager. And if they’re not eager, that should give you pause.

Now, what you say to yourself about that is important. Positivity is more important than the truth. Because while people think the truth will set them free, most of the time, the truth binds them to things they don’t like. Especially if the “truth” they’re looking at is unpleasant.

I knew some of what was up. But the whole story, I also knew, would soon come out. That’s because I know the universe always reveals to me what I want to know. (<—-that’s a powerful story you might want to steal from this post!)

In our first encounter I mentioned my ex-wife. When I did, I noticed a shift in Quinn’s being. It was subtle. But my “spidey senses” told me something changed. That got confirmed later.

He drops a couple bombs

Quinn eventually did reply. Then we set a time for our date.

I got there early. He came on time, looking disheveled because he just got off work. Still, to me, he was radiant.

The first thing Quinn said was he is married…for 20 years! Married to his High School sweetheart! At that news I was crestfallen. But, knowing what I know, I quickly recovered my positive disposition.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to scare you off,” he said. Ok, I thought. Positive sign…I guess.

Then Quinn described how he started transitioning a few years ago. He and his wife no longer see each other as intimate partners, so they’ve opened their marriage. She has a few partners she is seeing. Quinn has none (this is important for later).

Quinn and I then dwelled a bit on his transition. I gushed about how attractive he was, both physically, but also energetically, which he could appreciate because, it turns out, he’s also heavily into spirituality. Quinn acknowledged a hormonal condition that naturally has him presenting extremely androgynous. In fact, despite having begun transitioning, he said he was taking testosterone.

“Why?” I asked.

He replied that he’s started to de-transition. “I believe my wanting to transition was self-directed homophobia,” He said. “My unwillingness to accept that I’m attracted to men.”

Wow. This was getting really interesting! So he transitioned because he had a story “only girls are attracted to guys. So I must be a girl.”

Personal expansion stares me in the face!

It was also getting interesting because in that moment I was discovering something about myself. Something that, again, made us perfect matches.

You see, in my spiritual practice, what I’ve learned is real love is unconditional. Real love ignores conditions. Real love doesn’t care about sex. It doesn’t care about gender. Real love doesn’t care about how much a person makes, or what that person does to make that money.

Personal preferences do care about those things. And personal preferences can trump real love, turning it into something other than that. And let’s be frank: personal preferences change. They typically are based on beliefs. A lot of beliefs about ourselves. And beliefs about what others might think. Including what they might think, for example, about our partner and how that reflects on us.

We all are all living, thinking, walking, being love. We ARE love at our core. But relationship expectations and preferences can thwart that realization. What I was realizing right around the time Quinn dropped these bombs was, maybe I could enjoy loving a guy. Why not? I am love. I want to love unconditionally. And here was the Universe bringing me a guy who reflected exactly what I was contemplating and throwing him right in my face!

It was LOVELY. And it endeared me to Quinn even more. Not less.

By this time, I couldn’t help it. I just let it all hang out. I told Quinn that, in no uncertain terms, if he was game, I’d like to explore this more and see where it goes. Quinn agreed we had a lot in common. He wanted to see me again and see where things went.

But I also sensed some hesitation in his vibration. And that was the next red flag.

Making him own his stories

After talking about his transition, or rather, his de-transition, Quinn asked me about my age. Or rather, as I prefer to put it, “the age of my body”.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. It can wreak havoc on all kinds of goals. Especially relationship and love goals. It’s something I’m working through myself. As I come more into being unconditional love, I’m letting go of stories about my age. Which is why I was able to talk with Quinn. He’s 36. I’m nearing 60 (although I don’t look it). I think the age of my body concerned Quinn. Particularly given the relatively short time he’s been in his.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. (Photo by Gert Stockmans on Unsplash)

So we talked through that issue and it was clear his concerns weren’t mollified. That’s ok, I thought, his concern has nothing to do with me. It’s about his preferences. Preferences that probably would block potential enjoyment he could have experiencing “us”.

Did you get that? That paragraph above is yet another positive story. In telling it, in my reality, I forced him to accept responsibility for his stories. In other words, I didn’t make his concern about age diminish my knowing of what I offer another. Nor did I let it invalidate my self-worth. That’s an important skill to cultivate as you explore relationships with other humans.

Quinn and I talked about other topics. Things we have in common, for example. We talked about his home remodeling project and our mutual love for BMW cars. That we both love walking and riding bikes as means of transportation was another thing we talked about. We did have a LOT in common.

However, I think Quinn couldn’t focus on the many things we had in common. Instead, he focused on things he saw as red flags.

What happened?

We never had that opportunity to meet a third time. Although he asked me to reach out to him in a couple weeks, when I did, he didn’t reply. And here is where the dating advice gets important.

At this stage in a relationship –– presumably the “end” –– what you do next is CRITICAL. What you do next either creates more futures consistent with what you just experienced, or, it creates CHANGE in your relationship experience. Since I know this, I created the latter.

What I’m going to share may not resonate. I’m in a much deeper, spiritual experience than you likely are. So what I did you might not be able to do and be sincere about it. But you can create your version of what I did next. And doing so will serve you tremendously.

After not hearing from Quinn, I did what I recommend all my clients do when a potential partner poops out: I created stories bolstering my positivity. Looking back at what Quinn shared, I could create several such stories. Stories that put responsibility on Quinn for doing what he did (ghosting) instead of making it about me:

  1. He’s de-transitioning. That must be wreaking havoc in his head. I don’t blame him for behaving this way. He probably has a LOT of things he’s thinking through.
  2. He’s married in an open relationship. I know from experience that open relationships can be hard. I imagine it’s even harder for a cis-trans couple married for 20 years and negotiating opening the relationship.
  3. This is his first attempt with a guy. He’s likely overwhelmed with the idea of facing his shame and self-loathing (he called it self-directed homophobia). My openness and willingness probably overwhelmed him. I told him with extreme clarity that I found him desirable. He probably doesn’t see himself as desirable.
  4. His wife has partners, he doesn’t. I know it’s one thing for a partner to have lovers. But when that partner’s partner starts seeing someone, it can be hard…for both parties. He’s probably finding it difficult to share. Or maybe SHE’S finding it difficult to experience.

These four stories, fostered a deep peace within me. They also had me feeling compassion and understanding about Quinn. It doesn’t matter if they’re true or not. What matters is how the stories make me feel. Because if I feel positive (and compassion and understanding are positive) that means I’m aligned with a better, even more positive future.

But I wasn’t just feeling compassion and understanding. I felt (and still feel) deep love for Quinn. An unconditional love. I could have been with him no matter what he was going through. And isn’t that what humans are looking for in a relationship?

Unconditional love: what it looks like

Unfortunately, most people who have an experience like what you just read will resort to blame. They’ll attack and accuse. They’ll make up stories that demean the other person, or themselves. Trans and trans-attracted people especially do this.

The problem with that is, one, the person you’re attacking doesn’t know what you’re doing. They’re not affected by it. Not one bit. Two, YOU ARE AFFECTED BY IT. And your future is too.

After a suitable time passed, I sent Quinn a text. My (unconditional) love for him was so strong, it just came out of me:

This is the thing: if you need someone you love in your life, or if you suffer because they no longer are, you’re loving them conditionally. That’s not what you are. It’s inauthentic.

I get it though. Society trains us out of our unconditional love. Movies, songs, parents, even potential mates do this. No wonder there’s so much suffering in the name of “love”.

My clients are finding their way out of that suffering. You can too. Contact me to learn how.

Quinn gave me a huge gift. One I’ll cherish. No matter who he ends up with, I wish him the best.

“I’m Sick And Tired Of Being Angry” – Trans Woman Says

Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash

Synopsis: “Madge,” a transgender woman, discovers through meditation her deep-seated anger stemming from fears about her safety. Although she lives in trans-friendly Portland and has faced no violence, her fears have hardened into resistance, which complicates her relationships. By recognizing her internal barriers, Madge takes the first step to dismantling her anger and enhancing her future relationships.

A transgender client this week spoke for many trans women we know who struggle with love. And with life.

It’s not that her life is bad. Or that she’s failing at love. She’s doing well at both. In fact, this client’s realization came at a high point in her sessions. But the revelation was sobering for her. I’m sure it will be for many reading the following account of what happened.

It really is an amazing testament of what clients get from this practice.

Let’s dive in.

The hard shell of false self protection

This client, “Madge” is an advanced practitioner. As a result, she’s starting to explore more esoteric aspects of the practice. That exploration begins with meditation.

Our specific meditation method is powerful. Which is why Madge had what happen, happen. In fact, what happened, happened in her first meditation session. That’s how effective our meditation practice is!

The meditation lasted only five minutes. Half-way through, Madge revealed something she never revealed before.

“I’m so angry all the time,” she said. “I’m sick and tired of being angry all the time.” As she said this, tears streamed down her face.

Now, tears are a good thing. Despite some people demeaning the act, crying indicates a great release of resistance. That’s why, after a good cry, people feel better!

Resistance is a major impediment to getting what we want. Particularly in love. We create resistance when we tell stories contrary to our desires. That resistance makes getting what we want hard or impossible.

Madge’s anger is an act of self protection. But it’s also a sign of resistance. Her anger emanates from her and everyone can feel it. Especially Madge. That keeps everyone at a comfortable distance from her. Including men who might otherwise be interested in her.

Her intense, smoldering anger also explains why Madge takes “mood stabilizers.” That hard shell of protection emanating as anger also triggers a lot of anxiety. Anxiety telling her that protection is unnecessary.

Your emotions matter

Certain emotions tell us how much resistance exists within us. Anger indicates very strong resistance. After five minutes were up, Madge and I talked about why she was angry. The conversation was quite revelatory.

“I’m always holding a guard up,” She explained. “I believe I need to because if I don’t, I feel I’m at risk of being attacked.”

Madge believes that, because she’s trans, she’s at greater physical risk. Now, many transgender people will agree with this belief. And while statistics show a correlation between being trans and increased risk of violence, those statistics break down when it comes to individuals.

In other words, whether a transgender person, or anyone for that matter, experiences violence depends 100 percent on that person’s stories. Not stats. And many stories transgender women tell about anti-trans violence are out of touch with what’s actually happening in their lives.

Everyone is in touch with their emotions though. And Madge’s anger was telling her that her stories were creating experiences Madge would not like. Including her being alone.

Her beliefs are also a major factor as to why she’s chronically anxious. Anger and anxiety are both strong emotions. For Madge, most of this occurs at very subtle levels. Mostly because she’s let these beliefs fester for so long.

That the meditative practice surfaced them was a great thing. So we explored it further.

Confronting what’s actually happening

Madge lives in Portland, Oregon. The city is well-known as a haven for trans people. I was shocked Madge believed she was at risk here. So I poked at that belief:

“How long have you lived in Portland as a trans person?” I asked.

“Over seven years,” She said.

“And in those seven years, how many times have you experienced physical violence?” I asked.

Madge had to think about it. I already knew the answer.

“I have never experienced violence,” Madge said thoughtfully.

“OK, and how many times can you remember receiving verbal insults related to your trans-ness in those ten years?” I asked.

“None,” She said.

By now Madge was seeing obvious discrepancies between her fears and her actual life. This was very important, of course. That’s because Madge really wants to be in a relationship. And all the men she’s meeting reflect her fears and worries: They are on the DL. They haven’t fully embraced that trans women are ok to be attracted to. In other words, they feel risk, just like Madge does. No wonder such men show up in her life. She’s a match to them!

Serendipity: the best dating method

I assert many times in this blog that the best way to meet your match is through every day activities out in life. Not online dating. But if a person is afraid of the outside world, I can see how they’d resort to that sucky online experience.

Madge is afraid of the outside world. That fear emanates from her. It blinds her too. It prevents her from seeing guys checking her out. She also can’t tell when a guy compliments her about her appearance. When they do, she ignores it. Or tells the most disempowering story about it. Other times, when she notices a guy staring at her, she nearly always interprets his stare as threatening. When instead, the stare could indicate romantic interest.

Madge and I talked about this in the past.

So if you’re afraid of the world around you, it’s impossible for the Universe to match you with your ideal partner. Your stories create your experience. You also can’t enjoy the fun of such an in-real-life rendezvous! Like this. The Universe is sending matches your way, but if you’ve got that hard shell of protection erected, you’re not going to even notice them.

Its all good tho

The good news is, this situation is reversible. Meanwhile, the Universe will never tire of bringing you ideal matches. That’s something to celebrate. Many people worry that the pool of eligible partners is too small.


There are an unlimited number of people looking to be with you. Just because you don’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not there!

The good news for Madge is, she now realizes something that’s been blocking her for a long time. Now she can start dismantling it. And in doing so she can let in the men she wants to meet. She’s already made progress. The men she meets are improving. Meanwhile, there’s a lot more progress ahead.

Maybe you’re struggling to meet your match. Let’s figure that out. It 100 percent has to do with stories you’re telling. Thankfully, telling positive stories and weeding out disempowering ones is my speciality. So let’s talk.

Why It’s Not Bad When People Get Romance Scammed

Photo by Towfiqu barbhuiya on Unsplash

I suppose most people think being scammed is a bad thing. But a scammer taking advantage of you tells you something really good.

No, it doesn’t tell you you’re stupid. Or that you should be more aware…although you probably should. What it is telling you is that there is something happening inside you that makes you a match to that experience.

Yes, the scam “victim” draws that experience into their life. Being scammed isn’t a random event. No event is. Instead, it’s a reflection of an inner state, a vibrational state. As with every event, getting scammed vibrationally matches a similar inner state, so it shows up in the scammed person’s experience as manifested reality.

This is what happened with a client recently, although she caught it early enough to avoid being scammed. Just like I did before.

I wrote about what most people would say was the positive side of this experience last week on my other blog. But this week I’m going to share another positive side. A side most would probably think was “negative”.

But it’s not. It’s very, very positive. And it’s something that could improve every trans woman’s and trans-attracted man’s experience in finding love.

Desperation: a great money maker

As I wrote last week, this client finds herself attached to a certain guy. This guy waffles in his affection for her. The client knows she deserves better. But because of beliefs causing her attachment, she can’t pull herself away from the guy. I mean, she could, but she feels compelled not to.

As a result, she wants him to change. But he won’t change. That’s because her focus remains on his waffling behavior. She doesn’t like that behavior. But because she fixates on it, it persists.

Not only that. It’s getting stronger.

And as it does, her desire for it to change gets stronger too. So the two amplify each other. That amplification leaves my client feeling desperate. And desperation is what the vibration feels like that makes one a match to scammers.

Especially scammers who use the potential of finding love as their leverage.

No where are people more desperate than in their pursuit of love. That’s especially true in the trans community, which includes trans-attracted people. Folks are willing to spend thousands to get it. They’re willing to kiss a lot of frogs too!

Meanwhile, the endearing, unconditional love people seek in the world around them exists right there inside them. It’s the connection between them and their Broader Perspective. And when a person connects to that, love from another human pales in comparison.

The irony is, when a person has this inner relationship front-and-center, human relationships get better. And love one wants from another human gets better too.

Conditional love or unconditional love?

The client in question doesn’t have this Broader Perspective relationship front-and-center though. Instead, she’s allowed her relationship with Mr. Waffle to displace that relationship. And this is why she feels desperate. Because love from another human always comes with conditions. Broader Perspective love, however, is unconditional.

Displace that unconditional love with conditional love and the immediate feeling is insecurity. Keep it there long enough and insecurity turns to worry, concern, fear, jealousy and even hatred. These emotions happen when that unconditional love another human brings to the table bears out as unconditional: when they get mad at us for not meeting their expectations. Or for doing something they don’t like.

Our Broader Perspective has no conditions we can’t meet. It doesn’t get mad at us. We don’t irritate it. It just loves us, period.

A person trying to rely on conditional love can develop feelings of desperation when everything they try fails to coax their partner into behaving the way they want. That’s what was happening with this client. And that’s why she was feeling desperation.

Finding her way

So last week when those four new perfectly-matched dating options showed up, the client was overjoyed, at first. As she explored one of them more deeply, however, he turned out to be a scammer. A scammer preying on people desperate for love.

This revelation had the client feeling angry, then sad. But what was happening wasn’t sad. It didn’t have to be anger-inducing either. That’s because the experience showed my client exactly where she was vibrationally. And if she didn’t know where she was vibrationally standing, she couldn’t do anything about it.

Thankfully, the client’s Broader Perspective got her attention well enough to trigger skepticism about this person. She looked into it a bit more, then discovered the plot.

She’s still struggling though. She hasn’t yet found her way through disempowering stories on various subjects. Stories that have her feeling vibrationally low. And creating circumstances, events…and men, projecting that low vibration back to her.

And yet, improvement is on the horizon. So long as one persists in their focus, their desire to improve their vibration, that will happen. Then the world must reflect that improved vibration back to her in the form an improving life experience.

In the meantime, this client already has created enough evidence on other subjects proving telling positive stories works. So she’s going to persist. Which means she’s eventually going to get everything she desires. Including a satisfying relationship.