The Paradox Of Transgender Physical Reality

TL;DR: The author shares two experiences revealing a persistent behavior among trans and trans-attracted people, one that creates trouble in their lives. They then encourage trans and trans-attracted people to take control of their realities, by changing how they think about reality, asserting that one’s reality stems from one’s beliefs.

I recently had a wonderful encounter with two trans women. We attended a block party hosted by our local community center. One reason our encounter was “wonderful” was because I intended to manifest a reality wherein I met, at the block party, one of these two trans women who I had seen earlier this summer.

I’ll describe how I did that later as well as what happened next. I’ll do that while sharing about the apparent paradox I notice with trans women, one giving rise to troubles trans women face. The paradox was on beautiful display in my conversation with these two lovely people.

A client session I had also showed the same paradox, this time though, through the words of a transamorous man. The paradox I’m writing about, therefore, isn’t only happening for trans women; it’s happening for trans-attracted guys too.

It’s actually happening with every human. But since this blog is about trans/trans-attracted people, I want to keep my focus on transgender women and the men who love them, in hopes of soothing this tendency among people I care about.

Let’s dive in.

Hold on a sec

Before I dive in, a note of warning. I add this in posts sometimes because trans women write me complaining I’m invalidating their experience by telling them they create their reality through the thoughts and beliefs they think and hold. I’ve written post after post giving tangible, repeatable evidence how this happens. And yet, after reading posts in which I offer this warning, I still get trans women telling me I’m invalidating the trans experience. Of course, I know why they do that: it’s because I keep writing what you’re reading in this paragraph (LOL).

In other words, by harping on this, I’m attracting to myself insecure trans women who feel compelled to share their insecurity with me.

I’m guaranteeing some trans woman will be drawn to my writings. She’ll have a dominant negative disposition, although she’ll claim she doesn’t, and from there, from the insecurity dominant negative disposition creates within her, she’ll read what you’re reading right now. Then she’ll read the rest of this story and still make a comment that I’m invalidating her experience.

So here’s the disclaimer again: I know there are realities in which people are anti-trans. I get that legislatures in many nations are crafting anti-trans bills. Those are valid experiences and real as far as physical reality goes. I also know that no trans person needs to have those things in their personal experience. That’s the reason why I write this stuff. I write this stuff to help guide trans women (and trans-attracted men) who are ready to free themselves from lives that suck and eliminate gender bigots from their experience. So if you aren’t ready to do that, please, don’t read any further. This story is for people who are ready.

Ok, let’s look at what happened at this block party.

Intention creates a “coincidence”

I had seen one of the trans women, I’ll call her Charlie, a few times this summer. We barely made eye contact as we passed, her leaving the center, me just arriving. One day we did make eye contact though and we both greeted each other, I thought, warmly.

I wanted to get to know her, but only as a friend. After all, I didn’t know her and who knows if we matched. These days I’m not looking for a partner as my life is full as it is. Yet, I felt drawn to this person.

Knowing what I know, I set the intention that I’d see her at the block party. The community center had advertised it for some time now and it was just around the corner.

Now, think about this. The event was all day on a Saturday. There’s a high probability, given the over 12 hours of event time and hundreds of people who would show up, that I would not see Charlie. From a “realistic” stand point, we’d pass like ships in the night, with she going at one time, staying a while, and me going at another time.

But I know what I know. I know the Universe bends to our intentions when we allow ourselves to be aligned with our Broader Perspective. I’ve done that for decades now, so I know my chances of meeting a stranger more than once isn’t up to chance or coincidence. It’s completely up to my intention to want to see them and my belief that I will.

It wasn’t a surprise, therefore, when, I arrived at the event and, in the first five minutes saw Charlie walking around.

Changing topics….slightly

I have a Transamorous client who is making great headway in cleaning up his stories. I write about him often on this blog. He’s the client wanting to be a successful comedian.

This week we talked about his very first stage performance. It went way better than he thought it would. As it should have because he, like me, understands how the Universe works. So he set an intention that it would go well and it did.

While reviewing the recording he made of the performance he and I talked about what could have been better. One thing we talked about was his use of the word “faggot”. In the routine he calls himself a “faggot”. He does so at the end of a very humorous story about his trans attraction.

We both agreed however, that the delivery of that word stood out from all the rest in the sentence. He way over emphasized it, thereby calling attention to it. The emphasis felt out of place to me. So I asked him about that.

Our words create our worlds

He agreed that he did overemphasize the word and said it was because internally he was still uncomfortable with his trans attraction. He still has some beliefs that conflate being trans-attracted with being gay. And that conflation has him feeling negative about himself, he said.

That’s why when he spoke that word he did so with overemphasis. It was his fear of being judged manifesting, he said, an over compensation for his negative self-image and fear that he would be judged. I agreed with that assessment.

It’s interesting how our behaviors, including our words can reveal so much about our inner state. Our words literally create our world. That is the basis of what I share with my clients. And when that world gets created, everything in it is a reflection of one’s inner state. That includes other people as well as our own words and actions.

For example, this morning at breakfast I had a wonderful conversation with a stranger. We talked about spirituality and she asked about what I do for work. While answering that question I shared how while it’s highly satisfying working with clients, I prefer a life where money just comes to me without having to do anything for it.

Love reflected back to me

Sarah then said “I know you know this, but you could create a reality where all the things you need, like your rent and food, are just taken care of for you. Why do you need to focus on money?”

I said “I appreciate you saying that because right this moment in this now, you are the reflection showing me that I still have resistance about money in my vibration. It’s very subtle, but it’s obviously still there and I know this because you said what you said.”

At that moment she gave me a big smile and said “I love you so much!” Her expression of love was acknowledging that my statement was spot on. Totally in line with what we both knew. And, it was a reflection of my own self-awareness, my clarity of my expansion and the fact that my word creates my world, including others in it, which includes Sarah.

Then I shared with her my experience with money and the disempowering beliefs I once held, beliefs that are still there, but greatly diminished, evidenced by my ability to perceive her question as a reflection rather than criticism.

I think you might see where this is going…

Back to the block party

I grabbed a free hot dog and some macaroni salad. The salad was ok but the hot dog was scrumptious! Walking around I saw the trans woman I saw moments before. Walking with her was another trans woman. They walked over to a picnic table and took a seat. I decided I’d go meet them both.

I sat at the other end of the table after asking if it was ok to do so. They said yes, of course. I write “of course” because this was the unfolding of my earlier intention. Of course they would say yes! They were cooperative components to my desire.

Turns out the girl I wanted to get to know and the other girl, I’ll call Allie, are a couple. I also found out Charlie is a lifeguard at the community center. She’s super tall and lanky. Allie works at a vet clinic in town. She used to work at Whole Foods.

While talking amongst ourselves, Allie, referring to Charlie, overemphasized the fact that Charlie is a woman by strongly, loudly saying “SHE enjoys HER job.” When she did that, I paused, just for a moment, before continuing with my side of the conversation.

The community center where I met Charlie and Allie.

Trigger finger reaction

Later Allie and Charlie excused themselves and left the event. I sat there, finished my hot dog and reveled in the fact that I had manifested the opportunity to hear more about Charlie and got to meet her partner. I also knew my positive vibes had a big impact on them both.

On my way home though, I thought about what Allie did. It reminded me of my client the comedian. I wish I had the presence of mind to call her out on that. But at the same time, I get it. I suppose many trans women are not comfortable enough being trans such that they don’t invite people who misgender them.

That’s right, everyone creates their reality. Trans women are no exception. I get this too though: most trans women don’t know what you just read, let alone believe it. So when they’re constantly being misgendered, or looked at strangely, rather than doing something that could eliminate those experiences from their lives, they instead overemphasize them. They do that by making up really negative stories about why they were misgendered or stared at.

Doing that, they perpetuate those experiences in their lives. The cycle happens over and over. Meanwhile more things aligned with their focus show up, anti-trans legislation, for example. By the time those start showing up, the trans women believe they’re right: that the world is against them.

Then they get trigger happy about it. They come to expect to get misgendered, for example. So when Allie spoke, she wasn’t speaking that way because I was about to misgender Charlie. Such a thing would never cross my mind.

But she had her finger on the pronoun trigger. And to preempt her perceived need to correct me, pulled the trigger in advance, unnecessarily overemphasizing Charlie’s pronouns.

The world is getting better…See it?

Allie doesn’t know what my clients and I know. She doesn’t know that by doing that she’s positioned herself to experience exactly what she thought she was preventing: somewhere down the line she’s going to be misgendered.

And she’ll keep being misgendered until she does something about beliefs she has creating those situations.

Those situations don’t have to happen to any trans woman. That they happen at all says something every trans woman should want to know: that the world is a diverse place. While there are many people out there who are anti-trans and more than willing to call out trans people using the wrong bathroom or misgender trans people, there are plenty of people who won’t do those things. There are people out there who will see trans women for what and who they are and treat them thusly. Like me, for example.

This is why I constantly write about how great the world is getting for trans people. I do that because it IS getting better.

But as long as trans women focus on and amplify situations where they are misgendered, where anti-trans legislation is being crafted, or whatever JK Rowling Tweets, they create more momentum behind such experiences. That momentum builds until suddenly, seemingly, even the government is against trans people. Even though it’s not. Nor is the rest of society.

It’s hard to hear but no less false

It seems counterintuitive but taking one’s attention away from such events also takes all the wind out of the sails propelling such events to their fruition. That’s right, we don’t eliminate transphobia by collectively pushing against it. That elimination happens at the individual level, with each individual choosing thoughts and beliefs which makes it impossible for the transphobe to find that person. When every trans person does that, transphobes will still exist, but they won’t have any impact on the community.

That they do have an impact tells us there are many trans people focusing on transphobia and other unwanted situations. That focus turns into experiences. And that’s why those on the receiving end of transphobia experience those things. Nothing, no one else is responsible.

Abraham putting it plain. We all create the reality we experience.

That can be hard to hear for someone feeling victimized by transphobia. But there are no victims. Only powerful creators being too stubborn to accept that they create their reality, then taking the reins of the creation process and creating something they want, instead of what they don’t.

You can lead a horse to water, goes the saying. I’m willing to write millions of words to lead every trans woman to the refreshing, thirst-quenching power they possess. I realize, however, that few are ready to hear what I’m sharing.

Those who do hear find themselves free of what most trans women complain about. They’re in successful careers. They’re married to cisgender men. In other words, they’re getting lives they love because they’re deliberately creating them.

They’ve broken free of the physical reality most transgender women face. They’ve done it by doing something out of the ordinary: by becoming curious about the idea that they create their reality. No one else.

Trans-Attraction: An Unappreciated Gift For Trans Women

TLDR: The author strongly suggests that Transgender women seeking a man as their partner do themselves a disservice in dismissing love from trans-attracted men. They say such men offer the most positive match to what trans women look for. By talking themselves out of persistent negative beliefs held largely by the trans community, these trans women can more easily find love in the form of trans-attracted men, thereby transforming their life and the lives of many others.

Some Transgender women rail against men who find them attractive as transgender women. They call such men “chasers”.

But what’s really happening is the women, unable to love themselves as trans, project their self loathing onto the men showing them genuine attention.

Meanwhile such men find transgender women irresistibly attractive, often because such women are transgender. Yes, they’re women. But there’s no denying their trans nature. And for certain men, that nature is a big part of the attraction, just as some women find men attractive initially, because they’re men.

In other words, trans-attracted men give transgender women what they want: acceptance, love and more. These are awesome, but unappreciated gifts. That’s because some, maybe even many, or most, transgender women are too wrapped up in negative self talk to see that what they want is right in front of them.

The men are no better. They also struggle with self-acceptance. And, dear transgender women, it’s lack of self-acceptance in these men that make such men act like dicks. Part of their dickish behavior stems from the fact that they…are, well, men…and thus have been bred to be dicks. Especially when seeking love and sex.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story behind dickish behavior, either.

More and more coming out trans

I described the journey of such men in this post. But in this post, I want to specify the natural and unique relationship existing between being transgender and being trans-attracted. The two offer gifts to each other. Gifts inherent in their personages.

That’s right, an inherentpowerful relationship exists between the two. That relationship is a gift. Transgender women who recognize then leverage this relationship will find finding love much easier. They’ll enjoy the process more, and help the men become better too.

This article is bound to trigger some transgender women. Especially those who don’t accept themselves as trans. If you are transgender and at all insecure and therefore emotionally unstable in your status as a transgender person, you should not read any further.

Those who enjoy emotional stability might find what they’re about to read eye-opening.

The New York Times noted that more kids than ever before have come out as trans in the last 5-10 years. Some in our society are looking to science to explain the phenomena. Others are losing their minds about the number of kids declaring autonomy over their gender expression. Even Caitlin Jenner expressed dismay over the number of children declaring themselves trans.

But is this really something to decry? Or is it something to celebrate?

Self-inflicted transphobia?

Science-based explanations will help many understand what’s happening. But such explanations do little to soothe emotional discomfort arising from knowing what one is while looking in the mirror and not seeing that. Or for feeling an attraction for something that triggers fear and self-hatred as in the case of trans-attracted men. Or at the least causes one to question their sexuality, which is what many trans-attracted men do once they realize they find trans women adorable.

This story will make a bold assertion: That the love transgender people, particularly transgender women, seek, exists in the very people they reject: in the hearts of trans-attracted men. This of course pertains only to transgender women who seek a relationship with a man.

Some transgender women may be able to live “stealth”. They may be able to “pass” 100 percent. With medical advances, these women can pass convincingly…even in bed…for most men. But for others…not so much. Still, for the women, as much as they may pass, they know they harbor a secret. And that secret is always at risk of being discovered.

Meanwhile, there are men who stand ready to accept transgender women for ALL they are. Not just their womanhood, but also their transgender nature. And the fact that some trans women try to reject this part of themselves generates the self-loathing running rampant in the transgender community. It’s not too far of a stretch to argue that many trans women are themselves transphobic.

Which brings up the subject of fetishizing. Let’s look at that next.

A match exists for everyone

Are heterosexual men fetishizing women with vaginas because they only want to be with a woman with a vagina? Certainly some men do fetishize cis women, just as some women fetishize some men. But most straight men want a vagina-equipped woman because that’s what they’re a match to. It’s what they desire.

The same holds true for trans-attracted men. In other words, transgender women and trans-attracted men share a special relationship. One similar to the relationship straight women share with straight men.

Is a straight woman fetishizing a straight man because she likes being penetrated by a straight man’s penis? Is she fetishizing him because she feels naturally attracted to penis-equipped men and only such men?

I would wager that transgender women would say “no, she’s not. She’s just wanting to have what she’s attracted to.” And I’m sure women have conversations with their friends in which they speak about the “dick” the same way trans-attracted men talk about certain trans women and their dick.

The only difference is, some trans women have a strong aversion to their dick. Not all women of course, but many do. And if you want to do away with that appendage, then great, go for it! But to make a man wrong because he wants a penis-equipped woman, just because you yourself don’t like having a penis, is projecting your self-rejection onto someone who doesn’t deserve your projection.

His desire for a penis-equipped woman is just as “right” as your desire not to be a penis-equipped woman. Get over it. Get over it and find your match. He (or she or they) is out there. For there is a match for everyone. Even chasers.

A relationships match to chasers

When I started The Transamorous Network I made an assertion. I said transgender people represent a leading edge aspect of what it means to be human. Each person entering the world as trans, therefore, enjoys world-transformative potential. Every transgender person arrives here intending that massive transformation. Enjoying that potential though, requires the trans person accepting what they are. In doing so, they can tap into enormous insight and power.

Every transgender person can achieve very high levels of success (however they define that). While enjoying that success, they also can transform the lives of everyone they meet. Including their parents. Including other trans people.

Nearly every person, however, almost immediately loses their way once born. They forget what they are. They adopt beliefs offered by other people who also lost their way. And so, transgender people, doing the same, end up resisting what they are. That resistance cuts them off from their natural insight and power. They compromise, then end up living lives far from even mediocre.

The same goes for love and relationship. Finding love happens effortlessly for transgender people who love themselves. But when such a person refuses to love themselves as they are, let alone accept what they are, they make themselves unloveable. Then, when they try finding love, they can’t find it.

You can’t find love if you aren’t a match to it. And if we don’t love ourselves, I mean deeply and fully, unconditionally love ourselves, we’re not a match to the love we seek. So when we try finding it, we end up meeting toads – aka chasers. Chasers are insecure transgender women’s relationship matches.

Trans-loving men: no different

Now let’s look at trans-attraction. No distinction between transgender and trans-attraction exists. Both kinds of people come into the world possessing humanity-changing potential.

For the trans-attracted man, nothing compares to the resonance he feels for transgender women. That’s because such men chose before coming into the world “trans-attraction” as one of many attributes or values they would express.

Like the women coming into the world as trans, such men chose to be trans-attracted before coming. They came presenting a new way of being to humanity so humanity can evolve. So humanity can fulfill its collective desire.

What collective desire?

Evolving closer and closer to unconditional love, which is the emotional state of All That Is. Trans-attracted men made the choice for personal reasons too: They want to evolve into unconditional love for themselves as well.

Trans-attracted men and transgender women, therefore, represent two sides of the same coin. Together they comprise a match literally made in heaven. Think about it:

  • Transgender people at some point initially feel “different” once they tap into their transness. Trans-attracted men do too when they discover how adorable trans women are.
  • Nearly every transgender person strives to reconcile that “difference” by self-integrating that back into wholeness. Many transgender people struggle with this however. Trans-attracted men struggle too with this self-integration. The struggle may look different, but a struggle it remains, and at its basic nature it is the same with both parties.
  • Most transgender people don’t accept who they are at first. Trans-attracted men don’t either. They feel shame and embarrassment. The shame gets amplified in this toxic-masculine, heterosexual-dominated global culture. Lacking support networks, as men, they struggle even more than trans women sometimes, and, again, as men, often struggle alone.
  • For many years, prior to the “trans boom” trans people buried this part of themselves. They refused to accept and express it or transition. While there’s greater acceptance these days allowing trans women to transition and live authentically, trans-attracted men remain afraid to live authentically. There are a LOT of trans-attracted men. But many remain in the shadows.

These similarities offer striking insights. But so do the differences…

What differences?

  • Trans women these days have a robust network of fellow travelers they can lean on. There’s a TON of support systems out there for them. Not so with trans-attracted men.
  • Trans-attracted men are where trans women were, say, 30 years ago. They are on their own. Hardly anyone is out there trying to help them. Recently, VERY FEW such men have come out to voice their attraction. Yet, the shame they live with continues to dominate.
  • Trans women often can compromise on relationship partners. They choose to be with a woman after trying (unsuccessfully) to find a man. They can remain with their wives, and often do, after transitioning. Trans-attracted men can do neither, unless they remain on the DL. But eventually they get found out. When that happens, their relationship is usually over.
  • There is MASSIVE public support these days for transgender people. Meanwhile, trans-attracted men remain a hidden population, often shamed into that covert life through homophobic presumptions, and, again, toxic masculine beliefs.

I’m not making a comparison akin to the “Pain Olympics”. Trans people still struggle. A lot. But it’s no denying that trans-attracted men remain where trans women were 30 years ago. It doesn’t help that the very objects of a trans-attracted man’s desire (trans women) often loathe him. That leaves the trans-attracted man with no where to turn. Is it any wonder they are on the DL, pursue hookers and consume trans porn?

I don’t think so.

The connection here to me is striking. Because the satisfaction in love trans women look for (in a man) is available in trans-attracted men. But only if trans women can give up holding such men in disparagement and revulsion. The paradox of it is – and this again represents the special relationship – the love such women seek is being held at bay by the very disparagement and revulsion those same women hold!

Mistaking attraction as fetish

Transgender women yearn for love and belonging, acceptance and respect. Trans-attracted men want to love transgender women for what they are and yearn to do so. But that kind of love, belonging and acceptance doesn’t start right out of the gate.

Loving someone for who they are comes over time, as two get to know one another. The basis upon which loving someone for who they are begins first with what they are. That’s why straight men seek straight women, gay men seek gay men, etc. Why wouldn’t a transgender woman want someone who will accept them first for what they are, then, get to know them for who they are?

Because some transgender women don’t accept themselves for what they are.

Many transgender women will not acknowledge the validity of trans-attraction. That unacknowledgement reflects their own self invalidation. Many trans women call trans-attraction a “fetish”, which is ironic because by claiming one fetishizes trans women, trans women simultaneously make themselves into an object. That’s why being fetishized without consent feels so bad. It’s not that the person sees trans women as a fetish, it’s because TRANS WOMEN interpret those people’s attention as such and then reap all that comes with that interpretation. Including the bad feelings.

A trans-attracted guy, once he gets over his shame, recognizes and respects the validity of transgender women. Then he relishes and is eager to experience love consistent with what he wants: a trans girl. There’s nothing “fetish” about that. It’s no different than cis people relishing and being eager to be with other cis people.

Acknowledging the elephant

The problem is, transgender women want heterosexual cis men to accept them as heterosexual cis women. But transgender women are not “women” in that way…they are more than women. No, this isn’t about “best of both worlds” or “something extra”. Nor is it about the political spat underway about bathrooms, feminism and the like.

Some transgender women find accepting they are more than women impossible, while other transgender women, in private conversations, acknowledge “trans” as actually something BETTER than “(cis) woman”. Trans-attracted men are attracted to trans women because they are transgender. They (the men) find outstanding qualities that come with being “trans”.

What qualities? These:

  • Assertiveness
  • Strength
  • Power
  • Clarity in their desires
  • Straight talk about sex and sexual pleasure
  • Bravery
  • The massive struggle trans people go through to be themselves, which like heat to steel tempers them and makes their characters shine.

Most of all though, is that quality one cannot put a finger on that has to do with the special relationship between being transgender and being trans-attracted. All other things being equal, transgender women and trans-attracted men are perfect matches.

So long as either side of that match refuses to accept who and what they are, however, that match shows up as no match at all. It’s not because no match exists. It’s because one side or the other believes no match exists. And so, for that side, a match doesn’t.

Perfect matches: the rule of the day

This paradox, of invalidating a match even while it exists, isn’t exclusive to the trans community. Indeed, it’s in every human relationship. You think humans relationships are random happenings? No! There’s no coming together that isn’t divinely intended, meaning, every coming together represents a perfect match of energies, vibrations, harmonics, whatever you want to call it.

All those words may sound like woo woo to you. But Transamorous Network and Positively Focused clients are well versed in the overwhelming evidence supporting the accuracy of those words. We all draw to ourselves those who are perfect matches to us at any given moment.

That perfectly explains why a trans woman who hates attention from trans-attracted men meet so many. Especially early-stage trans-attracted “chaser” men. Examine your beliefs. If you are meeting such men, it’s not by accident. If you want to meet “better” men, you must change how you think about men, relationships, love and, most importantly, yourself.

I know many trans women think they have healthy thoughts about themselves. But that can’t be if they’re not meeting men who they believe are healthy and wholesome. That’s because every pairing up is a perfect match!

And face it: if you end up in a relationship with a man, and that man knows you’re transgender, then that guy is trans-attracted. It doesn’t matter if he’s never dated a trans woman before. If you’re trans and he accepts that you are, he’s trans-attracted.

So why resist trans-attracted men?

The perfect match

It’s not hard finding our perfect matches. They’re all around us. And every match we enter into is a perfect match. The divine, unique and special relationship between transgender and trans attraction is, that relationship offers satisfaction at levels that can knock the socks off of everyone in that relationship.

But getting into that requires some work. Especially for trans women and trans-attracted men. That’s because both parties have many beliefs keeping them at odds with what they want.

And isn’t that ironic? The very thing they want, the Universe is bringing in abundance. But both parties hold it off through their persistent beliefs that such a match is impossible.

Trans-attracted men think they’ll never find the woman who will let them love her the way he want’s to. Trans women think the love they want exists everywhere, anywhere other than in the arms of a trans-attracted guy.

No worries. People can live their whole lives and never get what they want. Compromise is overabundant in humanity. And yet, some are finding the love they want. I know several relationships that have moved on to marriage. Some are new. Others have been going on for years. That’s because they’re perfect matches reflecting the unique and special relationship between a trans-attracted man and a trans woman.

While many trans women rail against the very men who can give them the love and happiness they seek, others are finding that love and happiness in the arms of their trans-attracted partners and husbands.

Are you such a woman? I hope you are. If not, you can be.

When Life Results Show Me How Fun It Is Being Transamorous

Photo by Bekky Bekks on Unsplash

TLDR: The Universe and life possess a humor reflected in the joy of alignment with All That Is. Unfortunately, people, including trans and trans-attracted individuals, often miss this fun through pessimism, especially in relationships. The author helps clients rediscover delight in love by piercing persistent negative habits, prompting an abundance of joy. The serendipitous arrival of a uniquely-named client exemplifies the delightful alignment the author promotes. Life, the author suggests, should be easy and fun, a truth we shape with our beliefs and stories.

The Universe enjoys a sense of humor. It’s one reason why mirth feels so good. In mirth, we’re aligned with All That Is.

Life is a component of All That Is. Life too, enjoys a sense of humor. Just look at all those Instagram videos featuring animals in their natural habitat being playful. Life likes fun.

The same holds for humans. That is, unless humans block their connection to all of life’s fun. They do that by adopting pessimistic attitudes on a variety of subjects.

Trans people and trans-attracted people do this a lot. The subjects they tend to do it on the most are each other: trans women bash the men who naturally find them attractive. Trans-attracted men bash the women they want most to be with.

The result is, the fun of dating becomes a chore. It becomes torture. Each side becomes bitter. And their dream of love eludes them. I help such people rediscover the fun in love and in life. It’s not easy piercing their persistent pessimistic habits. But eventually they give way.

Then the clients find what I have found. They find what they’ve been missing. Then they get what they want. That’s fun watching.

More clients equals more abundance

But life offers even more fun than that. And when we tap in to that, our lives become more fun too. I am enjoying a lot of fun in my life. I write about them in this blog often. They include seemingly “random” or “coincidental” rendezvous with trans women. But hose incidences aren’t random. Nor are they coincidental. They happen because I don’t resist my transamory. So the Universe matches me with these lovely moments that surprise and delight me.

So when life served me once again with yet another wonderful, humorous manifestation, I felt the humor, the surprise and the delight in that too. The “coincidence” of what happened was so perfect, I couldn’t help but enjoy the unfolding.

What happened wasn’t about meeting another trans woman. It was about how I manifested yet another client on the Positively Focused side of my client practice. In fact, more and more clients are showing up. That’s consistent with what I’ve written about over and over: the Universe showers us with abundance. Abundance of all kinds. All we need to do is line up with that. Then, it’s ours.

The best abundance though is that aligned with what we’re wanting to see. When that happens, we feel delight. Then we get even more of what we’re wanting. And that “more” comes in greater abundance. Which explains why more clients are showing up.

Now let’s take a look at that lovely “coincidence”.

A playful “coincidence”

One weekend recently, while working on a blog post, a funny thing happened. I was writing a paragraph explaining the story of Pollyanna. That’s when I got an email notification. My calendaring app notified me a new client scheduled a free Positively Focused 1:1.

I clicked over to the email and, what do you know! The new client’s name was…wait for it…Pollyanna!

What’s interesting about this person is how much of a natural she is to the practice. Like everyone, life caused her to conclude in ways unhelpful for living a Charmed Life. But the fact that she’s found her way to this practice was no coincidence. She’s taking to it quite quickly, which is something I like seeing in clients.

This client’s rapid resonance with the practice foretells promise. A promise that results people like this client will produce will create ripples of goodness through their lives and the world at large.

It’s no surprise then that one client’s “ripples” include her daughter, and now her son, both becoming clients. Another client’s best friend recently became a client. So did her husband! This practice must really work!

Finding something different

The fact that Pollyanna came to me perfectly timed as I wrote that paragraph doesn’t escape me. Seriously, how many “Pollyannas” are out there? I see this as a spectacular indication of my own alignment. That and all the other wonderful things happening in my life. Including the lovely incidents of meeting trans women.

I love it when life reveals to me things proving how fun and easy life is. Life can be this way for everyone, including trans and trans-attracted people. In fact, it IS this way for everyone. If we’re not experiencing that, it’s only because we’ve overlaid bogus beliefs on what’s really happening.

It’s not that those bogus beliefs aren’t “true”. All beliefs, believed long enough will produce realities consistent with them, thus proving “true”. But the question is: is that truth something you want? I say, create better “truths”. How? By telling better stories that eventually become better beliefs.

Our Charmed Life is continually unfolding. I love seeing my clients discovering this, then aligning their life experience to that. Maybe you’re ready to do the same?

Do Americans Really Hate Trans People Now?

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

TLDR: The author argues that perceptions among transgender people that Americans hate trans people are skewed by radicalized views and such conclusions lack nuance. Research suggests support for trans people is increasing in the United States, especially among young, progressive Americans, with the majority of Americans favoring protection for transgender individuals.

I read a story on Medium recently that took the United States to task for hating transgender people. It’s author recently listened to a podcast series about parents navigating difficulties they face as parents of trans kids.

What happened here is instructive. The author took a country of over 300 million people and reduced every person into transphobic bigots. How she got to that conclusion shows how powerful stories create reality. Her example also shows why it’s a terrible idea to look at things that make us feel shitty.

Let’s take a look at what happened here so we can learn from the wonderful gift this author gave us. Then, let’s look at what really is happening with American’s views about transgender people.

Radicalization: it’s not a good look

So the author, who is trans, listened to what supposedly is a supportive podcast for those with trans kids. I’m not including a link to it, or to the author’s post, because I prefer offering empowering and supportive content. Not content that radicalizes people. Especially content that doesn’t appreciate the bigger picture. A bigger picture that screams: Hey! The world is getting better and better for transgender people!

Apparently, according to the Medium author, the United States is an “ocean of hate” and this podcast represents an island of queer positivity. And yet, according to the author, the podcast focuses on how these parents are “terrified”, “worried” and “concerned” about the lives of their trans kids.

How is terror, worry and concern positive?

The deeper into her article we get, the more it becomes clear that the Medium author lost perspective. Binging the podcast got her all riled up. What’s really interesting is, in her article she critiques the United States as a hatred-filled radicalized “banana republic” while at the same time expressing views herself which border on hate. Views which are way off the mark about what is really happening in the United States.

In other words, she allowed the podcast to radicalize her beliefs. And in her radicalization she has become the very thing she’s attacking: someone who allowed herself to adopt a drastically skew perspective of what’s really going on. Then she lashed out with judgements about people she doesn’t know.

Transphobic people are doing the exact same thing.

Radicalization is not a good look. It doesn’t matter if liberals or conservatives do it. It doesn’t matter if transphobes or transgender people do it. It’s the same. It’s disempowering, and it’s ugly.

Is America An Ocean of Hate?

But more importantly, radicalization backfires. It turns the radical into a parody of him or herself. And, taken to the extreme, it tends to get a lot of people hurt. Often that includes the radical. Every mass shooter is a radical. So is every suicide bomber.

That’s enough about the article and the podcast. Let’s instead now look at what “America” really thinks about transgender people. This is going to be interesting…

For a more balanced look, let’s turn to Pew. Pew is a leading research firm. It gathers public opinion on almost everything. Including opinions Americans have about the transgender phenomena. What did Pew find in their research? Well, like I wrote above, it’s interesting:

Most [Americans] favor protecting trans people from discrimination, even as growing share say gender is determined by sex at birth.

Pew Research

Here’s what that looks like in a graphical breakdown:

Yes, people are still stuck thinking a person is a man or woman as determined by sex assigned at birth. But you know what almost totally is to blame for that? SCIENCE. That’s right! Science has convinced people there is nothing beyond physical reality. And most people swallow that crap hook, line, and sinker. So they believe sex and gender is a physical construct. It’s not.

Sex and gender are determined well before birth. And that determination is A CHOICE.

Cultures that pre-date science knew better, as many trans people know. That’s why Hijras and two-spirit people have been things far longer than modern civilization, to mention two examples.

Youth change reality

Meanwhile, as old, crusty farts holding to conservative views die off, young people’s attitudes are more closely matching a more nuanced view of transgender people. Their views also promise better futures for such people. Look at this, for example, which also is from Pew:

In other words, in America, the younger the American you ask, the more supportive that person will likely be. Moreover, politically progressive people lean more supportive as well.

So where are these radical, hating, transphobic Americans? Is America really an “ocean of hate”?

These data seem to debunk the assertion. Just ten percent of Americans express strong opposition or just opposition to the transgender phenomenon. That means LESS THAN TEN PERCENT “strongly” oppose. Meanwhile, an overwhelming 64 percent of Americans STRONGLY FAVOR or FAVOR protecting transgender people. It seems, then, that America is an ocean comprising a majority of tolerance, acceptance and support. “Hate” is an exception to the American norm.

Let’s look at another source

Ipsos is another polling agency. Last year, they conducted a poll of Americans on the transgender issue. That poll showed strong disinterest among Americans for having trans women, for example, compete in women’s sports competitions. But other results they found are consistent with Pew’s.

On providing gender-affirming medical care, for example, Ipsos found an overwhelming majority of Americans support such policies. Read that headline below carefully. It’s not written very well in my opinion:

A better headline would have been “The majority of Americans SUPPORT GIVING trans youth gender-affirming care”. Here’s another Ipsos graph presenting the same information. It may be easier to understand. An interactive one can be found on the NPR website. You’re wanting to look at totals representing the “opposed” categories.

It’s getting better!

What shall we take away from all this? Well, first, your stories (beliefs) matter. They shape your reality. They also determine your behavior. The Medium author’s radicalized beliefs caused her to write a way inaccurate story about the United States. And that happened because she listened to a “supportive”, “positive” podcast for parents of trans youths.

Stories/beliefs also attract to us evidence that will tell us our stories/beliefs are “true” . So if we think the world is terrible for trans people, that’s what we’re going to see. But that doesn’t mean that’s the whole story.

Sure, there are those who hate what trans people represent. Those people are frightened by what they see. Trans people confront their long-held beliefs. But that’s not your problem! Indeed, no trans person need encounter such people. Not if they don’t want to.

One of my mentors putting it plain. Those who hate you hate out of their own suffering.

The problem is, a lot of trans people want to encounter them. They don’t intentionally want to. But their beliefs, choices and actions cause them to encounter such people. Some do it because they believe they’re changing the world. That’s great. But others do it while not knowing they’re doing it.

What we resist persists! What we complain about we get more of! If we stop putting attention on the tiny minority of people out there living their lives in deep pain, those people will gradually self-select themselves out of our experience.

And, if we put our attention on all that’s going great for trans people, we’ll see more of that. Then we’ll feel better about life. We’ll feel better about OUR lives. And when that happens, our lives WILL GET BETTER.

That’s how the Universe works.

Don’t believe me, try it

Now, you may think you have enough evidence to prove what you just read wrong. That just proves my points! Don’t take my word(s) for evidence! Test it out! The Universe will prove it to you! That’s guaranteed because that’s how the Universe works.

It continuously wants us to know life can be as great as we want it. That’s why, when we focus on things we think are “going wrong” we feel bad. We feel bad because that feeling tells us we’re not looking at the world the way we couldlook at it. And, as a result of looking at it the way we could, we could feel better. And then have a better life.

If you try it, if you try looking for evidence of everything going right, evidence will show itself to you. But you must know where to look to see it. Otherwise, you miss it. I can help you not miss it. Let’s chat.

How A Hidden Truth Kills Off Trans And Trans-Attracted Love

Photo by Michael Carruth on Unsplash

TLDR: A man befriends a transgender neighbor, recognizing the power stories hold over perceptions and beliefs. Despite clear intentions for platonic friendship, the woman’s past experiences cloud her judgment, illustrating how entrenched narratives shape, and sometimes limit, our reality and relationships.

The following experience happened a couple years ago. Sometimes, I start writing about an experience, but then my intuition tells me to wait. That’s what happened with this story. It’s still pertinent though. Because it shows how powerful our stories are.

Our stories literally shape our reality. They shape our relationships too. Even when our reality offers evidence disproving our stories, stories will still dominate. When they do, we can’t see disproving evidence. All we can see is evidence proving our stories “true”.

That’s a problem because it kills off potentially satisfying love between trans-attracted and transgender people.

Even if the Universe tries to give us experiences disproving disempowering beliefs, we won’t see them. So we stay stuck. Stuck in unsatisfying lives. Lives we keep creating with stories about what’s “true”.

If we want a more satisfying life, especially in love, we first must soften our holding on to stories creating our truth. This post offers a perfect example of how hard that can be. Our stories become so true, they (the stories) recede from our consciousness. When they do that, the life they create – to us – occurs as “that’s just the way life is.”

The stories become hidden. Then we’re stuck.

Let’s look at this excellent example.

The set up

Two years ago, I lived in a house with several others. One day, I went for a walk. I had just crossed the block when I looked up and saw someone sitting on their porch.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hello,” they said back.

I’m a friendly person. Usually, when I cross paths with someone I’ll say hello. Especially if I grok that they’re open to talking with a stranger. Sometimes it’s clear they’re “inwardly focused”. Or something’s got their attention and their “I’m closed for business” sign is on their door. In those cases, I’ll remain silent.

In this case, however, it felt right to say hello. So I did.

When the person – who was presenting as a girl – said hello back, it triggered my trans-gay-dar. Now, trans women, don’t be offended. I’ve often heard some trans-attracted and transamorous guys say they can tell when they spot transgender women. It doesn’t matter how passable they are, these men say. It’s just obvious to them.

I think that’s because they are pre-wired to perceive accurately what they’re attracted to. Just as some people are instantly aware that the person they met is someone they’ll end up married to. It’s like that.

That’s my experience too. It’s like “gaydar” – the ability of a gay man to recognize other gay men. I call this trans-attracted ability trans-gay-dar. (Now women, I’m not using that phrase to imply trans women are gay men. So don’t go there, ok?)

I get to know her

So when I saw this person on her porch, even before she said hello, I knew she was trans. Of course, it helped that it was obvious she was in the early stages of her transition. Ladies, you know what signs I’m referring to so I won’t spell all that out. Let’s just agree it was obvious.

It also was obvious that I was interested in her. Not as a potential partner though. Even back then – yes two years ago is a while – I was clear I’d rather enjoy my own company than be in a traditional relationship. So my interest was more about befriending this person. Not getting in her pants. Or even going on a date with her.

The next time I went out on a walk, she was on her porch again. This time I was returning home. She saw me, I saw her. She said hello first this time. I said hi back. A beer can sat on the small wooden table beside her chair. She took a drag on her cigarette while I continued past.

This happened a couple more times before I decided to chat her up neighborly style. Rather than passing by, I walked up the short path to steps leading to her porch. I stood by the rail and introduced myself. She told me her name, then she invited me up onto her porch. Once there, we enjoyed a pleasant exchange typical of neighbors meeting one another. I enjoyed it. I think she did too.

Next-level neighbors

The next few times I passed by her house, she happened to be on her porch, smoking her cigs and drinking. Turns out she’s a fairly-known musician. She started her transition not long ago with her band mates fully supporting her. I told her that was really cool. She didn’t ask what I did and I didn’t offer any information. I really enjoyed hearing about her. Consistent with my experience with meeting trans women, she was super smart, interesting and creative. I liked that about her. And I was clear being neighbors was all I was interested in.

Then one day I was baking some biscuits at home. I make killer biscuits. This time, I decided to make them with cheese and ham. While making them, I had a thought about giving a couple to “Ally”. I thought it would be a neighborly thing to do.

I knocked on her door, but she wasn’t there. So I left them with one her housemates along with instructions on how to warm them up. I also asked her to return the container I put them in. I included directions to where I lived.

A couple days later I received this along with my container:

She’s right. They were a delight.

I thought that was sweet. It felt like we had made a nice, neighborly connection. And now I also had someone I could share my baked goods with!

Truth rears its ugly head

Ally told me more about her music and her transition over the next couple times we happened to see each other. We met each time on her porch “coincidentally”. One day she asked: “What do you do?”

These days, my pat response to that question is: “As little as possible”. For me, life is about BEING. Not doing. I’m told westerners habitually jump right to what a person does for work when they make small talk. Not so, I’m told, in Europe. There, again, I’m told, people are more interested in YOU, not what you do for work.

Back then though, I did what every American does when asked that question. I told her that I write stories, particularly stories to help trans-attracted men and transgender women find partners.

Now, remember what this story is about! It’s about people’s “truth”; that their truth comes from their stories. And once their stories become their “truth”, they can’t see evidence disproving that “truth”.

The moment I stopped sharing what I “do”, A distinct shift occurred in Ally’s demeanor. It was clear I triggered some beliefs she had. I explained again that I had no amorous intentions toward her. Instead, I said, I just wanted to be neighbor-friends. The next few exchanges happened over Instagram, where we had followed each other.

The exchange on the topic of Ally’s shift. Blacked out paragraphs in the exchange are on an unrelated topic.

The result…

So what happened? Ally’s “truth” about trans-attracted guys dominated her ability to understand her CURRENT experience. Here she had a non-threatening, awesome opportunity to MAKE FRIENDS with someone who could LITERALLY help her re-write her beliefs about past experiences. It could also soothe some fears she has about her life. Instead, her beliefs caused her to see a threat. Even though she expressed openness and a desire – at some point – to re-engage, she never did.

Now, I’m ok with that. It’s her life. She has a right to it. And her experiences are valid.

But…

If you’ve read my stories before, you have a sense of what kind of person I am. You also have a sense of what I think about trans women. A neighborly relationship with me could have significantly altered Ally’s trajectory. I represent a data point totally inconsistent with her past experiences.

But those past experiences, and more importantly, her stories about those experiences, didn’t allow her to see disproving evidence I represented.

How often has this happened with you? Probably at least a few times.

I get it can feel scary trusting in the absence of evidence, or even worse, in the presence of evidence that trust can’t be given. And I’m not asking trans women do that. What I am asking is that they be aware that their stories are creating their reality. Then do something about that. I write every week about what “do something” looks like. And there’s no risk to doing that. Instead, it’s all upside.

Ignoring some “truth” will set us free

I don’t fault Ally for where she is. Again, her experiences are true for her. But her beliefs and conclusions drawn about the past perpetuate those experiences into the future as expectations. That makes it very hard to avoid bringing those experiences into her present. And this is what happened between her and I.

Still, I enjoyed getting to know her. She’s super smart, creative and fun to talk with. But her past colored her experience with me, someone who wasn’t like those guys she may have experienced back then. Even when I explicitly pointed out the difference she couldn’t shake loose from her beliefs.

Ally’s a great example to compare with your own. Whether trans-attracted of transgender, conclusions we draw about past experience re-creates those experiences today. We don’t even need the experience! Our beliefs will cause us to see even a totally different experience the way we experienced that past experience, leaving us unable to enjoy what’s unfolding right before our eyes.

And this is how we all usually create our reality. Thus proving the adage: past is prologue.

So leverage comes from knowing what you’re reading. For then we can do something different. We don’t have to listen to what our stories are telling us. We can create new ones. And in that creation, we can create better experiences. Better lives. And better interactions with potential partners.

It’s not easy seeing one’s active beliefs if we don’t know where to look. It is easy once we know where to look. And it can help having someone like me showing you were those active, but invisible, beliefs are causing you to have the same experiences over and over. Let’s get you out of that pattern.