Some trans-attracted…strike that…nearly every trans-attracted man struggles with patience. Transgender women do too. Because they struggle, their choices invite much pain and drama. Especially in relationships.
Or, they hide. And in their hiding, they lead minuscule lives compared to what they could live.
This post tells of a client learning how not to live that way. He still struggles though, because he hasn’t yet mastered how to live differently. He’s on his way though.
His story still contains value for transgender women and trans-attracted men striving for love. So I’m sharing it knowing it will help a lot of people.
“Jeffrey” came to The Transamorous Network 12 months ago. He struggled with dysphoria and trans-attraction, living authentically and finding love. Cis-women relationships never worked out and his life, as I said above, was very small.
What’s more, Christian beliefs kept him in a nearly continuous state of self-judging his desires and his life choices as wrong and bad. Those religious beliefs combined with equally disempowering beliefs adopted from his family upbringing. Latter beliefs made him feel financially responsible for his family, but at the same time resentful towards them when, in his opinion, they spent frivolously.
It doesn’t have to take long but often does
Jeffrey spent 11 of our 12 months together denying his unhappiness. He filled our time talking about lighthearted topics and tangents. All the while he avoided what he really wanted to talk about. Things such as his trans attraction, his sexual activity preferences and his discomfort in his religion.
Whenever I brought those up, he stammered, hesitated, went quiet or humorously changed the topic. I never pressured him because I knew he needed to build trust.
It doesn’t have to take 12 months to see progress so impressive clients double down on what they’re learning. But Jeffrey’s unworthiness, lack of deservedness, the belief that he is a sinner and condemned to going to hell because of what he feels and wants, made quick progress impossible.
For the average client, impressive evidence comes immediately. Once seen, clients eagerly progress. They create lives they love. Seeing that happen, they relax into their lives and lose that frantic “doing” mode born of impatience.
After all, when one sees their life improving at an incredible rate, when they feel better than before, relaxing becomes easy. They know, in time, they will have everything they want. That’s because they see evidence of everything becoming the way they want. Easily and effortlessly. Like the trans woman in this audio who also is a client:
Jeffrey wasn’t an average client though. So he struggled a long time. This included, as I said above, making choices that were not in his best interest, even though I frequently suggested he not make such choices.
Online dating: never the best way
One of those choices involved searching for his partner through online dating. Online dating, despite its popularity, brings many challenges. I’ve written about this before so I’m not going to go into those.
What I will say is, often, nearly always, online dating feels like drudgery, monotony and hard work. A person can’t possibly feel good wading through all those profiles, many of which overstate people’s strong points and skip over people’s baggage.
Now consider nearly everyone else on such sites feel similarly. And while a majority of online daters report positive experiences, nearly every match reflects that desperation. That may be why nearly half of people using such sites say their experiences leave them feeling frustrated.
Maybe that’s also why only 12 percent of online dating matches result in long term relationships or marriage. The figure is near double that for LGBTQ identified people. But 20 percent is still a small number.
Feelings making dating doubly tough
Like everyone else, Jeffrey’s desperation compounded with desolation. His last relationship, with a cis gender woman ended more than 20 years ago. He knew he wanted a transgender parter. But his stories about himself as a trans-attracted man and about transgender women made finding her difficult.
For example, he believes trans-attractive men use trans women as fetish objects. In other words, he does not believe his trans attraction is wholesome and natural. He also judges harshly his own desire for trans women who enjoy using their penises. Jeffrey’s religious beliefs played an important role in his struggles too. Such strong stories, with their accompanying condemnation, directly conflict with his desire.
All of these stories created within Jeffrey strong emotions, all of which told him something. But up until the 11th month, when he finally had what he thought was a good shot with a trans woman, Jeffrey did not understand what his emotions told him.
Insecurity, trepidation, anxiety, unworthiness, self-reproach, embarrassment, and shame boiled in him like a message cocktail. But he couldn’t decipher the messages.
Anytime someone feels such emotions, action should never top the “to do” list. A better approach involves addressing stories creating these emotional responses. Only then can one avoid drama created through stories creating those emotions. We talk about this all the time in The Transamorous Network material. Here’s our into video explaining our accurate premise:
Jeffrey meets his perfect match
As I said though, many men who find themselves attracted to transgender women struggle with impatience. Transgender women do too. Both parties don’t understand what we talk about at the The Transamorous Network. So instead of finding love they want, they instead try to “make” relationships happen while ignoring stories they tell keeping relationships they want from showing up.
That’s what nearly everybody does while using online dating sites. They double down on existing stories then get what such stories create.
No wonder so many online dating users experience frustration. 🤷🏽♂️
One day Jeffrey came to his session super happy. The dating site he used matched him with a transgender woman. I knew immediately this spelled T-R-O-U-B-L-E. He had done nothing about his stories. I knew she matched Jeffrey perfectly. But that wasn’t a good thing.
If you read everything up until this point, and you read other material from The Transamorous Network, you know everyone a person meets is a match to who they meet, the person they’re meeting matching who they’re being at that moment. So if a person doesn’t do anything about their stories, who they meet matches them perfectly, including disempowering stories they currently hold true for themselves.
Think about stories Jeffrey believed. Now just assume for the moment, what we say is true: you create your reality, including relationships, through stories you tell. If that’s true, and it is, you can guess how this new relationship went…
The honeymoon ended…quick
In session, Jeffrey shared things he liked about this person. Let’s call her “Alice”. He liked her extreme femininity. He adored how passable she looked. She said all the right things in text messages and phone calls. She had good employment as he does. Alice also enjoyed having and using her penis.
Needless to say, right away, they connected. And of course they would – they were a perfect match! Especially they’re stories!
Jeffrey raved about hours and hours they spent on phone calls and text message conversations. Such conversations became hours-long video calls. “We have to plan when we talk to each other because our talks last so long,” he once said excitedly.
Video calls turned into an in-person meetup. Alice and Jeffrey both felt excited. Jeffrey talked about it the session before they met.
While their date approached, Jeffrey felt insecurities surface. Valiantly he used what he learned in his sessions, which allowed Jeffrey a nice win:
Pain and drama: been there, done that
Then Jeffrey came to the session after his date excited and happy. It went very well. Too well, some might say. Instead of taking it slow, both he and Alice “went all in”, literally staying in the hotel room the entire weekend having sex.
Both reported enjoying their time together, according to Jeffrey. But not long after that eventful weekend, insecurities born of negative stories in both parties surfaced. Despite the reported wonderful time both enjoyed, their insecurities caused Jeffrey and Alice to interpret the weekend anew. It sounded like a different weekend altogether!
Alice accused Jeffrey of using her. Jeffrey worried out loud about Alice’s drinking and her tendency to try to force Jeffrey to drink more than he wanted. Alice felt Jeffrey judged her the whole weekend. Jeffrey felt angered because Alice at first put him on a pedestal but now had kicked that pedestal out from under him.
Jeffrey went even further in his worries. He wondered if her drinking and her blistering critique of certain American populations indicated a potential relationship red flag. Alice went further too, by blaming Jeffrey for taking time away from her GED studies!
In other words, both parties shared similar and complimentary negative stories. Stories which triggered negative interpretations about the other party. The honeymoon: over before it began.
Wonder what a perfect match looks like when a person doesn’t attend to their negative stories? Here you go:
It gets worse before it gets better
Days later, Jeffrey wanted to cancel his session. Things turned worse for him and for he and Alice. The unraveling relationship triggered other stories Jeffrey has about himself and relationships, stories he thought he resolved long ago. I encouraged continuing with the session knowing it would do him good.
Jeffrey didn’t realize it, but this experience offered tons of opportunity. Hopefully you see the opportunity. Not only did his relationship show him how his stories created the match he experienced with Alice, it also surfaced other stories he has about himself. Stories he absolutely MUST change if he wants a relationship that lasts.
We touched on this in our next text exchange:
Not long after this exchange, the after our session, Jeffrey’s mood improved. Out of that improvement he saw more clearly how his stories created everything he experienced. I wasn’t shocked, but at the same time I was. Here he had a roller coaster relationship, lasting less than a month and he learned so much.
Weeks after Alice and Jeffrey stopped talking altogether, Jeffrey confided that he would no longer use dating websites. He also resolved to double down on his practice through The Transamorous Network. This experience, he said, showed him with no doubt how his persistent stories created everything he experienced with Alice. He also saw how her stories did the same for her and how both their stories created their mutual experience.
Moving forward in his power
Today Jeffrey confidently comes to each session transformed. He’s more upfront and clear about his stories, especially about what he enjoys and what he wants in a relationship. This clarity also spills into his other life areas, just as we promise the work does.
The Transamorous Network invites people to look at a new way of creating their relationships. That new way includes more power and capability than doing it the way everyone else does.
But this new way works on all life areas, not just on relationships. That’s why clients report their entire lives get better in addition to getting new perspectives on relationships they want. Impatience disappears and in its place comes certainty, self-love and clarity about one’s power in life.
From there, and only there, can someone create a relationship worth having. That’s what we want for all trans-attracted men and transgender women. For in transforming what’s possible for these two groups in the realm of relationships, entire lives also transforms for the better.
This is what we guarantee and this is what clients get. Having that includes, of course, finding one’s perfect match easily and effortlessly.
The best way to get that great relationship is by first having a great relationship with yourself. Get that and everything else falls in place.