A transgender woman responded to a recent post of ours on Medium. The story showed how complaining about negative dating experiences creates a continuous stream of more such experiences. Here’s what she wrote:
I’m a Trans woman who has had all of the negative dating experiences you describe. Magical thinking about the universe and “man” -ifesting my partner didn’t [work for me].
I don’t believe a cisgender person [apparently she was referring to me] really knows the feeling of meeting someone, having real chemistry and then having them run away after you come out to them. A hundred times. Cisgender women are often fetishized, but Transwomen are treated like an alien sex creature. You really have zero idea, and I say this in the kindest way.
I found my partner through some luck and simple diligence. I formed a strategy and kept at it until I found someone who “saw” me, not the label. The other parts of the equation are working on yourself and being happy with who you are. Men are initially visual creatures and a grounded understanding of that reality helps too.
Here’s what I find interesting about her reply. Besides thinking I’m cis, which I’m not, her response shows exactly how what she calls “magical thinking” works. But she, like so many, believes in what other clueless people taught her. She believes in “luck” and “hard work”. Both of which can work, but as the phrase “hard work” implies, it’s no fun going that route.
And though she claims she met her partner through “luck and simple diligence”, what really happened is, she told stories that created a reality wherein she matched with the person she met.
Everyone tells stories
Whether a person believes it or not, stories and nothing else, create reality. “Beliefs” is another word for “stories”. What you believe, happens.
For example, the other day, my housemate lost her keys, including her key fob for her car. She turned the place upside down looking for her keys. But she couldn’t find them.
Why couldn’t she find them?
Because she believed her keys were lost, that’s why. In other words, no matter how hard she looked for her keys, she couldn’t find them because she created a reality in which finding her keys was impossible.
About 10 days later, after spending $285 for a replacement car key fob, the keys showed up.
Where were they? Some mysterious, really secret hiding place? No. They were in a jacket pocket in her closet.
She “found” her keys because she no longer stood in stories creating a “lost” reality. Instead, she gave up believing she lost them. Then her broader perspective guided her to what she wanted: her keys.
I’m sure you’ve experienced this too. I have. So have several other clients. A person can’t live an experience that doesn’t line up with their beliefs. The same holds true about finding a lover.
Man-ifestation and luck
So how did this transgender woman discover her partner through telling better stories even though she doesn’t know how that works? Let’s take a look. Here’s what she wrote:
“I found my partner through some luck and simple diligence. I formed a strategy and kept at it until I found someone who “saw” me, not the label. The other parts of the equation are working on yourself and being happy with who you are. Men are initially visual creatures and a grounded understanding of that reality helps too.”
First, I don’t know if her partner is male or female, that said, she starts by acknowledging that she doesn’t really understand how it happened. I write that because she uses the term “luck”.
Luck is a word people use when describing outcomes they don’t understand. “Luck” means “success or failure apparently brought by chance rather than through one’s own actions.”
Why “luck” seems random
So luck implies something beyond one’s control. But creating reality lies within everyone’s control. Everyone creates reality according to their beliefs or stories. Not knowing how they’re doing that doesn’t mean they create reality some other way.
Since most people don’t understand how they create reality, they think when things go well for them, they experience “good” luck. They see luck as a random event. Being random, they also believe in “bad” luck. But bad things happening happen the same way good things happen.
Both kinds of “luck” happen in line with what people believe. Most people’s beliefs contain a few stories consistent with what they want. But far more beliefs people hold revolve around unwanted subjects. Things like racism, inequality, taxes, money shortages, fears about their health or a loved one’s health, worries about being lonely, anxiety about work, negative feelings about people who don’t share their beliefs or values, etc.
No wonder people’s lives contain so much random occurrence. It looks random, but randomness happens because people don’t think thoughts consistently about what they want. Their thoughts contain a hodgepodge of random thoughts. Thus their reality looks random.
Man-ifestation and hard work
Nearly everyone thinks diligence and hard work produce results. When people see success happening with my project Copiosis, they often say “good for you, you worked hard. You deserve this.”
But I don’t work hard to make Copiosis – or anything else I want – happen. Working hard makes getting what you want hard. Which is why so many don’t get what they want – in love, and, on the way to not getting that, experience anxiety, frustration and loneliness.
Later in the paragraph we’re looking at, the writer says: I formed a strategy and kept at it until I found someone who “saw” me, not the label.” I assert what happened here was, she listened to her inner guidance as well as looked at what worked for her in the past. She saw her past successes and applied similar methods. But most important, she started telling a different story: I want someone who sees me, not the label.
All that other stuff she did falls into the “doing” category. Doing NEVER produces results, although it looks like that. Doing or action puts a person in a certain location, time and space-wise, where an “unfolding” happens. The unfolding includes circumstances and people coming together in a timing which creates desired results. All that timing and unfolding first gets created in stories. Then associated components assemble into manifestation. Doing happen so you rendezvous with other components as the final necessary component.
Emotions are key
Think about it. Very likely, our writer’s strategy implementation left her feeling discouraged at times as she met potential partners not yet aligned with what she wanted. Which is why she complained at first about experiencing everything I wrote about. Remember?
Yet, she still believed. She told herself a story (such as “I must be diligent and persist, I know this can work” or something like that) which changed “discouragement” into some other positive emotion, such as, maybe, at the very least, “willingness”.
Feeling willing to continue on a course feels better than feeing discouraged. So the story “I know this can work” creates a reality consistent with it: at some point evidence must show up proving that story true.
So long as she kept to that story, and entertained as little contrary stories as possible, “[Finding] someone who “saw” me, not the label.” was inevitable.
Which is exactly what happened.
Even more powerful stories
The writer next amplifies exactly the same stories I write about here all day every day:
“The other parts of the equation are working on yourself and being happy with who you are.“
Essentially she says: I became the best person I could, I found my happiness.
At The Transamorous Network we assert that a person can’t find a loving, happy, positive, successful, trustworthy, friendly, responsible partner, if they, themselves are unhappy, not loving, negative, unsuccessful and irresponsible. In other words, you must become a match to what you want. Otherwise, you’ll not get what you want.
This person did that. She focused on herself, while also putting in place processes which allowed her to feel more hope, expectation and positivity about her goal. Yes, she took action, but it sounds she told positive stories which made her feel positive expectation, which inspired actions. Then those actions led her to her desired outcomes. Outcomes which already existed!
Isn’t that what I talk about all day every day here? Of course it is.
How does that equate to the dirisive “magical thinking?”
Stories create reality. Beliefs create reality. Action doesn’t create reality. Action moves you to a place in time and space where what you want materializes. If you want a partner willing to love you in the way you want, you must become a match to that person you idealize.
Idealization isn’t bad. Idealizing gets a bad wrap because people believe idealizing is unreasonable. They discourage people from dreaming big dreams and going for those because they themselves fail at manifesting their dream.
Don’t be one of those people. Have your ideal. Be the teller of your own story. Get the happy love life you want. You do that by stories you tell, so tell the very best.
One Reply to “Why Trans People Don’t Produce Happy Love Lives”