How To Meet Your Match - The Transamorous Network

June 18, 2024May 14, 2024

Trans-Attraction: An Unappreciated Gift For Trans Women

TLDR: The author strongly suggests that Transgender women seeking a man as their partner do themselves a disservice in dismissing love from trans-attracted men. They say such men offer the most positive match to what trans women look for. By talking themselves out of persistent negative beliefs held largely by the trans community, these trans women can more easily find love in the form of trans-attracted men, thereby transforming their life and the lives of many others.

Some Transgender women rail against men who find them attractive as transgender women. They call such men “chasers”.

But what’s really happening is the women, unable to love themselves as trans, project their self loathing onto the men showing them genuine attention.

Meanwhile such men find transgender women irresistibly attractive, often because such women are transgender. Yes, they’re women. But there’s no denying their trans nature. And for certain men, that nature is a big part of the attraction, just as some women find men attractive initially, because they’re men.

In other words, trans-attracted men give transgender women what they want: acceptance, love and more. These are awesome, but unappreciated gifts. That’s because some, maybe even many, or most, transgender women are too wrapped up in negative self talk to see that what they want is right in front of them.

The men are no better. They also struggle with self-acceptance. And, dear transgender women, it’s lack of self-acceptance in these men that make such men act like dicks. Part of their dickish behavior stems from the fact that they…are, well, men…and thus have been bred to be dicks. Especially when seeking love and sex.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story behind dickish behavior, either.

More and more coming out trans

I described the journey of such men in this post. But in this post, I want to specify the natural and unique relationship existing between being transgender and being trans-attracted. The two offer gifts to each other. Gifts inherent in their personages.

That’s right, an inherent, powerful relationship exists between the two. That relationship is a gift. Transgender women who recognize then leverage this relationship will find finding love much easier. They’ll enjoy the process more, and help the men become better too.

This article is bound to trigger some transgender women. Especially those who don’t accept themselves as trans. If you are transgender and at all insecure and therefore emotionally unstable in your status as a transgender person, you should not read any further.

Those who enjoy emotional stability might find what they’re about to read eye-opening.

The New York Times noted that more kids than ever before have come out as trans in the last 5-10 years. Some in our society are looking to science to explain the phenomena. Others are losing their minds about the number of kids declaring autonomy over their gender expression. Even Caitlin Jenner expressed dismay over the number of children declaring themselves trans.

But is this really something to decry? Or is it something to celebrate?

Self-inflicted transphobia?

Science-based explanations will help many understand what’s happening. But such explanations do little to soothe emotional discomfort arising from knowing what one is while looking in the mirror and not seeing that. Or for feeling an attraction for something that triggers fear and self-hatred as in the case of trans-attracted men. Or at the least causes one to question their sexuality, which is what many trans-attracted men do once they realize they find trans women adorable.

This story will make a bold assertion: That the love transgender people, particularly transgender women, seek, exists in the very people they reject: in the hearts of trans-attracted men. This of course pertains only to transgender women who seek a relationship with a man.

Some transgender women may be able to live “stealth”. They may be able to “pass” 100 percent. With medical advances, these women can pass convincingly…even in bed…for most men. But for others…not so much. Still, for the women, as much as they may pass, they know they harbor a secret. And that secret is always at risk of being discovered.

Meanwhile, there are men who stand ready to accept transgender women for ALL they are. Not just their womanhood, but also their transgender nature. And the fact that some trans women try to reject this part of themselves generates the self-loathing running rampant in the transgender community. It’s not too far of a stretch to argue that many trans women are themselves transphobic.

Which brings up the subject of fetishizing. Let’s look at that next.

A match exists for everyone

Are heterosexual men fetishizing women with vaginas because they only want to be with a woman with a vagina? Certainly some men do fetishize cis women, just as some women fetishize some men. But most straight men want a vagina-equipped woman because that’s what they’re a match to. It’s what they desire.

The same holds true for trans-attracted men. In other words, transgender women and trans-attracted men share a special relationship. One similar to the relationship straight women share with straight men.

Is a straight woman fetishizing a straight man because she likes being penetrated by a straight man’s penis? Is she fetishizing him because she feels naturally attracted to penis-equipped men and only such men?

I would wager that transgender women would say “no, she’s not. She’s just wanting to have what she’s attracted to.” And I’m sure women have conversations with their friends in which they speak about the “dick” the same way trans-attracted men talk about certain trans women and their dick.

The only difference is, some trans women have a strong aversion to their dick. Not all women of course, but many do. And if you want to do away with that appendage, then great, go for it! But to make a man wrong because he wants a penis-equipped woman, just because you yourself don’t like having a penis, is projecting your self-rejection onto someone who doesn’t deserve your projection.

His desire for a penis-equipped woman is just as “right” as your desire not to be a penis-equipped woman. Get over it. Get over it and find your match. He (or she or they) is out there. For there is a match for everyone. Even chasers.

A relationships match to chasers

When I started The Transamorous Network I made an assertion. I said transgender people represent a leading edge aspect of what it means to be human. Each person entering the world as trans, therefore, enjoys world-transformative potential. Every transgender person arrives here intending that massive transformation. Enjoying that potential though, requires the trans person accepting what they are. In doing so, they can tap into enormous insight and power.

Every transgender person can achieve very high levels of success (however they define that). While enjoying that success, they also can transform the lives of everyone they meet. Including their parents. Including other trans people.

Nearly every person, however, almost immediately loses their way once born. They forget what they are. They adopt beliefs offered by other people who also lost their way. And so, transgender people, doing the same, end up resisting what they are. That resistance cuts them off from their natural insight and power. They compromise, then end up living lives far from even mediocre.

The same goes for love and relationship. Finding love happens effortlessly for transgender people who love themselves. But when such a person refuses to love themselves as they are, let alone accept what they are, they make themselves unloveable. Then, when they try finding love, they can’t find it.

You can’t find love if you aren’t a match to it. And if we don’t love ourselves, I mean deeply and fully, unconditionally love ourselves, we’re not a match to the love we seek. So when we try finding it, we end up meeting toads – aka chasers. Chasers are insecure transgender women’s relationship matches.

Trans-loving men: no different

Now let’s look at trans-attraction. No distinction between transgender and trans-attraction exists. Both kinds of people come into the world possessing humanity-changing potential.

For the trans-attracted man, nothing compares to the resonance he feels for transgender women. That’s because such men chose before coming into the world “trans-attraction” as one of many attributes or values they would express.

Like the women coming into the world as trans, such men chose to be trans-attracted before coming. They came presenting a new way of being to humanity so humanity can evolve. So humanity can fulfill its collective desire.

What collective desire?

Evolving closer and closer to unconditional love, which is the emotional state of All That Is. Trans-attracted men made the choice for personal reasons too: They want to evolve into unconditional love for themselves as well.

Trans-attracted men and transgender women, therefore, represent two sides of the same coin. Together they comprise a match literally made in heaven. Think about it:

Transgender people at some point initially feel “different” once they tap into their transness. Trans-attracted men do too when they discover how adorable trans women are.
Nearly every transgender person strives to reconcile that “difference” by self-integrating that back into wholeness. Many transgender people struggle with this however. Trans-attracted men struggle too with this self-integration. The struggle may look different, but a struggle it remains, and at its basic nature it is the same with both parties.
Most transgender people don’t accept who they are at first. Trans-attracted men don’t either. They feel shame and embarrassment. The shame gets amplified in this toxic-masculine, heterosexual-dominated global culture. Lacking support networks, as men, they struggle even more than trans women sometimes, and, again, as men, often struggle alone.
For many years, prior to the “trans boom” trans people buried this part of themselves. They refused to accept and express it or transition. While there’s greater acceptance these days allowing trans women to transition and live authentically, trans-attracted men remain afraid to live authentically. There are a LOT of trans-attracted men. But many remain in the shadows.

These similarities offer striking insights. But so do the differences…

What differences?

Trans women these days have a robust network of fellow travelers they can lean on. There’s a TON of support systems out there for them. Not so with trans-attracted men.
Trans-attracted men are where trans women were, say, 30 years ago. They are on their own. Hardly anyone is out there trying to help them. Recently, VERY FEW such men have come out to voice their attraction. Yet, the shame they live with continues to dominate.
Trans women often can compromise on relationship partners. They choose to be with a woman after trying (unsuccessfully) to find a man. They can remain with their wives, and often do, after transitioning. Trans-attracted men can do neither, unless they remain on the DL. But eventually they get found out. When that happens, their relationship is usually over.
There is MASSIVE public support these days for transgender people. Meanwhile, trans-attracted men remain a hidden population, often shamed into that covert life through homophobic presumptions, and, again, toxic masculine beliefs.

I’m not making a comparison akin to the “Pain Olympics”. Trans people still struggle. A lot. But it’s no denying that trans-attracted men remain where trans women were 30 years ago. It doesn’t help that the very objects of a trans-attracted man’s desire (trans women) often loathe him. That leaves the trans-attracted man with no where to turn. Is it any wonder they are on the DL, pursue hookers and consume trans porn?

I don’t think so.

The connection here to me is striking. Because the satisfaction in love trans women look for (in a man) is available in trans-attracted men. But only if trans women can give up holding such men in disparagement and revulsion. The paradox of it is – and this again represents the special relationship – the love such women seek is being held at bay by the very disparagement and revulsion those same women hold!

Mistaking attraction as fetish

Transgender women yearn for love and belonging, acceptance and respect. Trans-attracted men want to love transgender women for what they are and yearn to do so. But that kind of love, belonging and acceptance doesn’t start right out of the gate.

Loving someone for who they are comes over time, as two get to know one another. The basis upon which loving someone for who they are begins first with what they are. That’s why straight men seek straight women, gay men seek gay men, etc. Why wouldn’t a transgender woman want someone who will accept them first for what they are, then, get to know them for who they are?

Because some transgender women don’t accept themselves for what they are.

Many transgender women will not acknowledge the validity of trans-attraction. That unacknowledgement reflects their own self invalidation. Many trans women call trans-attraction a “fetish”, which is ironic because by claiming one fetishizes trans women, trans women simultaneously make themselves into an object. That’s why being fetishized without consent feels so bad. It’s not that the person sees trans women as a fetish, it’s because TRANS WOMEN interpret those people’s attention as such and then reap all that comes with that interpretation. Including the bad feelings.

A trans-attracted guy, once he gets over his shame, recognizes and respects the validity of transgender women. Then he relishes and is eager to experience love consistent with what he wants: a trans girl. There’s nothing “fetish” about that. It’s no different than cis people relishing and being eager to be with other cis people.

Acknowledging the elephant

The problem is, transgender women want heterosexual cis men to accept them as heterosexual cis women. But transgender women are not “women” in that way…they are more than women. No, this isn’t about “best of both worlds” or “something extra”. Nor is it about the political spat underway about bathrooms, feminism and the like.

Some transgender women find accepting they are more than women impossible, while other transgender women, in private conversations, acknowledge “trans” as actually something BETTER than “(cis) woman”. Trans-attracted men are attracted to trans women because they are transgender. They (the men) find outstanding qualities that come with being “trans”.

What qualities? These:

Assertiveness
Strength
Power
Clarity in their desires
Straight talk about sex and sexual pleasure
Bravery
The massive struggle trans people go through to be themselves, which like heat to steel tempers them and makes their characters shine.

Most of all though, is that quality one cannot put a finger on that has to do with the special relationship between being transgender and being trans-attracted. All other things being equal, transgender women and trans-attracted men are perfect matches.

So long as either side of that match refuses to accept who and what they are, however, that match shows up as no match at all. It’s not because no match exists. It’s because one side or the other believes no match exists. And so, for that side, a match doesn’t.

Perfect matches: the rule of the day

This paradox, of invalidating a match even while it exists, isn’t exclusive to the trans community. Indeed, it’s in every human relationship. You think humans relationships are random happenings? No! There’s no coming together that isn’t divinely intended, meaning, every coming together represents a perfect match of energies, vibrations, harmonics, whatever you want to call it.

All those words may sound like woo woo to you. But Transamorous Network and Positively Focused clients are well versed in the overwhelming evidence supporting the accuracy of those words. We all draw to ourselves those who are perfect matches to us at any given moment.

That perfectly explains why a trans woman who hates attention from trans-attracted men meet so many. Especially early-stage trans-attracted “chaser” men. Examine your beliefs. If you are meeting such men, it’s not by accident. If you want to meet “better” men, you must change how you think about men, relationships, love and, most importantly, yourself.

I know many trans women think they have healthy thoughts about themselves. But that can’t be if they’re not meeting men who they believe are healthy and wholesome. That’s because every pairing up is a perfect match!

And face it: if you end up in a relationship with a man, and that man knows you’re transgender, then that guy is trans-attracted. It doesn’t matter if he’s never dated a trans woman before. If you’re trans and he accepts that you are, he’s trans-attracted.

So why resist trans-attracted men?

The perfect match

It’s not hard finding our perfect matches. They’re all around us. And every match we enter into is a perfect match. The divine, unique and special relationship between transgender and trans attraction is, that relationship offers satisfaction at levels that can knock the socks off of everyone in that relationship.

But getting into that requires some work. Especially for trans women and trans-attracted men. That’s because both parties have many beliefs keeping them at odds with what they want.

And isn’t that ironic? The very thing they want, the Universe is bringing in abundance. But both parties hold it off through their persistent beliefs that such a match is impossible.

Trans-attracted men think they’ll never find the woman who will let them love her the way he want’s to. Trans women think the love they want exists everywhere, anywhere other than in the arms of a trans-attracted guy.

No worries. People can live their whole lives and never get what they want. Compromise is overabundant in humanity. And yet, some are finding the love they want. I know several relationships that have moved on to marriage. Some are new. Others have been going on for years. That’s because they’re perfect matches reflecting the unique and special relationship between a trans-attracted man and a trans woman.

While many trans women rail against the very men who can give them the love and happiness they seek, others are finding that love and happiness in the arms of their trans-attracted partners and husbands.

Are you such a woman? I hope you are. If not, you can be.

June 11, 2024May 6, 2024

How A Happy Transamorous Man Found Love Easily

TLDR: The author shares how a client dramatically changed as a result of the practice they advocate. Doing so, the client found satisfying relationship success with a transgender woman, thereby supporting the author’s assertion that everyone creates their reality. Including their relationship reality.

Some transgender women struggle finding a male partner. So much so they become bitter about men. Trans-attracted men struggle too. They often become bitter as well in their search for a transgender partner. Then they wallow in that, fuming silently and alone.

But not all such men struggle. Not all transgender women struggle either. Some in both parties find one another. That’s what happened with a transamorous client over the last three weeks. It was a longer story than that; one in which he came to accept himself and his desires. Doing so, he found happiness in his heart.

When that happened his external reality had to reflect that inner state. Which is exactly what we promise here at The Transamorous Network. Today he’s finding himself in a relationship with a transgender woman perfectly matching what he’s putting out: happiness, clarity and adventure.

That’s what this story today is about. It’s about his trajectory; the trajectory that had him finding a perfect match in a trans woman of his dreams. Let’s dive in!

The tyranny of Christian dogma

This guy, who I’ll call David suffered mightily because of his trans-attraction. That’s because he was also devoutly Christian. David knew as a child that something was different with him sexual orientation-wise. Christianity, however, turned that “something was different” into “you’re going to hell”. So David struggled with that awareness for many decades. Mostly because he bought into the strong momentum of belief propping up Christianity.

What’s ironic is, David inherently knew something was wrong. Not wrong about him, though. He knew something was wrong with Christian dogma. But his fear of going to hell was so strong, so real for him, he couldn’t check in with his Broader Perspective knowing that Christianity is full of distortions. Distortions that literally kill people.

So, this confounding confusion between his knowing and his fear had him bury deeper and deeper his authentic self. That’s why he ended up marrying a cisgender woman. That’s why that marriage fell apart. It’s also why, for many years, David was profoundly unhappy. Unhappy with himself. Unhappy with his job and unhappy with relationships, or, rather, the lack of them.

All this time, his authentic self eked out. He cross-dressed in private. He enjoyed “toy parties” wherein he engaged in highly-pleasurable solo ass-play. Right on the heels of that wholesome enjoyment, however, always rose the ugly heads of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame born from bogus Christian beliefs.

The Universe gives us what we’re ready for

When David came to The Transamorous Network for relief four years ago, he was profoundly troubled. So much of his life was unsatisfying. But he knew by then he couldn’t deny his trans-attraction. So he “leaned in” to it through the practice we offer.

It took four full years before David was willing to fully let go of what held him back: adherence Christian dogma. It can be hard letting go of that. Especially when, like David, you’re surrounded by people who amplify those beliefs. But last year, a dam broke in David’s consciousness. Through that break came the flood of his authenticity.

It seems like it happened over night. In two or three weeks, he went from being hesitant, to being fully committed to his authentic self. In this time he “came out” to his mom, to close friends and coworkers. He shared photos on his dating profile of him wearing women’s clothes. And he accompanied those photos with a self description acknowledging who he really is. What’s more, it also included what he really wanted, in all its glory.

“Since the universe will give me everything I want,” David said in one session. “I might as well put it out there.”

I whole heartedly agreed.

The Universe constantly gives us what we’re ready for. Not what we want. If we’re not ready for what we want, if we’re resisting it, or are afraid of it, the Universe will give us “manifestations” reflecting that resistance and fear back to us. That’s what’s happening when trans women keep meeting chasers, or violence. It’s hard to accept, but everyone creates their reality and everything in it. No exceptions.

David was realizing this. That’s why, in letting go, he found freedom and fun.

Prefect reflections

Almost immediately after embracing his authenticity — remember, this took a long time, a duration that culminated in a peak release spanning two or three weeks — David connected with three really choice trans women. They all were perfect matches, of course. The people you meet always are. So it didn’t surprise David that two of them showed him beliefs he needed to adjust. Still, those two women were pretty choice women. But the third…OMG!

The third, who I’ll call Shonda, met many of David’s criteria. She also had things about her he didn’t necessarily enjoy. For example, she’s in the middle of a significant career change since COVID disrupted what she was doing before. As such, she’s emanating energy that she’d like a partner who can provide a financial foundation for her. David has that kind of financial stability.

But he also has struggled with people asking him for money…and he giving it to them…particularly, his family members, all of whom aren’t as financially secure as he is and rely on him to bail them out when they get into financial trouble. David helps them willingly. He feels he should. They’re family after all.

But he also hates that they come to him as their first option and that they come so frequently. He says they act entitled to his money. And they don’t seem willing to do anything to change circumstances keeping them coming with their hands out.

Many relationships aren’t meant to last

Everyone we meet is a perfect match to what we’re putting out. This can be fun and adventurous to know. But when we don’t know this, meeting people, especially potential partners, can be very frustrating.

Shonda and her financial/career situation reflected back to David the exact beliefs he has about money. In that reflection, she offers him a chance to clean up those beliefs, and in so doing, if he wants, meet someone better financially situated.

This shows why every encounter with another is a stepping stone to something better. People we meet aren’t necessarily The One. They are the one we’re supposed to meet at that time. Not because they’re The One, but because they show us something we want to know about ourselves.

This is why I don’t encourage people immediately jump into relationships with the first person they attract, or even the second, third, fourth or fifth. It’s much better to use those encounters for fine tuning. Don’t do that and in a short time you’ll see why such people make lousy lovers: they weren’t meant to be your lover.

No wonder so many relationships don’t last. They’re not meant to.

The great thing with David is, he’s clear about all this now.

Missing out on a lot of fun

Because he’s clear, he sees a lot of ways Shonda serves him by reflecting back to him beliefs working against his relationship happiness. I won’t go into all of them, but suffice it to say, David is getting it.

Which is why instead of feeling “head over heels” for his relationship success, the word he kept using was “sober”. He’s “sober” about what he’s attracted. He’s aware what’s happening in this relationship and isn’t allowing superficial things – such as how pretty Shonda is – to cloud his clarity.

Clarity is such a good thing.

If more people can find what David has, relationship journeys could be far more fun than they are. But nearly everyone is so fixated on getting that partner they want, they’re suffering the whole way. Then they’re settling for something they don’t want. Or they compromise and get love, while being wistful for what they gave up…because they didn’t believe it was possible.

One of my mentors puts it plain:

When we’re not having fun, we miss out on a lot. When we think we can’t have what we want, we miss out on that too. David found a different approach. And because of that, he’s enjoying a different experience.

It’s hard to find a better frequency

There’s so much fun out in the world. Many people have been trained though to focus only on what’s “going wrong”. That’s no fun. And, that focus will only attract more of that into one’s life experience.

The opposite is true too. If a person focuses only on good things happening, that focus will attract more of that into life experience. Before long, nothing but good is happening. How can you not find happiness with a life like that?

That’s what I’ve found; so much good stuff happening and my life filled with happiness. My clients are finding it too. These days, more cisgender people are becoming clients. The vast majority of my clients are now cisgender.

I think that’s because the trans community generally wallows so strongly in negative beliefs they can’t find the frequency of what I offer. That’s ok. We’re all eternal. Living one life in chronic negative focus is insignificant compared to eternal existence that has a basis in joy.

But if you’re wanting something different than the struggles trans-attracted men and trans women so often experience, I suggest you contact me, before all my available slots fill up.

May 28, 2024April 28, 2024

When Life Results Show Me How Fun It Is Being Transamorous

TLDR: The Universe and life possess a humor reflected in the joy of alignment with All That Is. Unfortunately, people, including trans and trans-attracted individuals, often miss this fun through pessimism, especially in relationships. The author helps clients rediscover delight in love by piercing persistent negative habits, prompting an abundance of joy. The serendipitous arrival of a uniquely-named client exemplifies the delightful alignment the author promotes. Life, the author suggests, should be easy and fun, a truth we shape with our beliefs and stories.

The Universe enjoys a sense of humor. It’s one reason why mirth feels so good. In mirth, we’re aligned with All That Is.

Life is a component of All That Is. Life too, enjoys a sense of humor. Just look at all those Instagram videos featuring animals in their natural habitat being playful. Life likes fun.

The same holds for humans. That is, unless humans block their connection to all of life’s fun. They do that by adopting pessimistic attitudes on a variety of subjects.

Trans people and trans-attracted people do this a lot. The subjects they tend to do it on the most are each other: trans women bash the men who naturally find them attractive. Trans-attracted men bash the women they want most to be with.

The result is, the fun of dating becomes a chore. It becomes torture. Each side becomes bitter. And their dream of love eludes them. I help such people rediscover the fun in love and in life. It’s not easy piercing their persistent pessimistic habits. But eventually they give way.

Then the clients find what I have found. They find what they’ve been missing. Then they get what they want. That’s fun watching.

More clients equals more abundance

But life offers even more fun than that. And when we tap in to that, our lives become more fun too. I am enjoying a lot of fun in my life. I write about them in this blog often. They include seemingly “random” or “coincidental” rendezvous with trans women. But hose incidences aren’t random. Nor are they coincidental. They happen because I don’t resist my transamory. So the Universe matches me with these lovely moments that surprise and delight me.

So when life served me once again with yet another wonderful, humorous manifestation, I felt the humor, the surprise and the delight in that too. The “coincidence” of what happened was so perfect, I couldn’t help but enjoy the unfolding.

What happened wasn’t about meeting another trans woman. It was about how I manifested yet another client on the Positively Focused side of my client practice. In fact, more and more clients are showing up. That’s consistent with what I’ve written about over and over: the Universe showers us with abundance. Abundance of all kinds. All we need to do is line up with that. Then, it’s ours.

The best abundance though is that aligned with what we’re wanting to see. When that happens, we feel delight. Then we get even more of what we’re wanting. And that “more” comes in greater abundance. Which explains why more clients are showing up.

Now let’s take a look at that lovely “coincidence”.

A playful “coincidence”

One weekend recently, while working on a blog post, a funny thing happened. I was writing a paragraph explaining the story of Pollyanna. That’s when I got an email notification. My calendaring app notified me a new client scheduled a free Positively Focused 1:1.

I clicked over to the email and, what do you know! The new client’s name was…wait for it…Pollyanna!

What’s interesting about this person is how much of a natural she is to the practice. Like everyone, life caused her to conclude in ways unhelpful for living a Charmed Life. But the fact that she’s found her way to this practice was no coincidence. She’s taking to it quite quickly, which is something I like seeing in clients.

This client’s rapid resonance with the practice foretells promise. A promise that results people like this client will produce will create ripples of goodness through their lives and the world at large.

It’s no surprise then that one client’s “ripples” include her daughter, and now her son, both becoming clients. Another client’s best friend recently became a client. So did her husband! This practice must really work!

Finding something different

The fact that Pollyanna came to me perfectly timed as I wrote that paragraph doesn’t escape me. Seriously, how many “Pollyannas” are out there? I see this as a spectacular indication of my own alignment. That and all the other wonderful things happening in my life. Including the lovely incidents of meeting trans women.

I love it when life reveals to me things proving how fun and easy life is. Life can be this way for everyone, including trans and trans-attracted people. In fact, it IS this way for everyone. If we’re not experiencing that, it’s only because we’ve overlaid bogus beliefs on what’s really happening.

It’s not that those bogus beliefs aren’t “true”. All beliefs, believed long enough will produce realities consistent with them, thus proving “true”. But the question is: is that truth something you want? I say, create better “truths”. How? By telling better stories that eventually become better beliefs.

Our Charmed Life is continually unfolding. I love seeing my clients discovering this, then aligning their life experience to that. Maybe you’re ready to do the same?

February 27, 2024January 16, 2024

What Happens When Your Date Doesn’t Go As Desired

TLDR: The author recounts an encounter with a married, transitioning person, detailing their feelings, reactions, and the ultimate end of the potential relationship. They emphasize the importance of handling disappointment positively and with unconditional love, sharing personal insights and advice for readers navigating similar experiences. The story highlights the power of creating positive stories to shape future experiences.

In December, I met this amazing trans person. How I met him was so awesome, I wrote about it in a previous post.

Now, before you get triggered about me using “he/him” pronouns, a warning: don’t make assumptions. This story has a bunch of awesome twists in it. Including one having to do with this guy’s gender identity.

So keep reading.

I wrote that previous blog gushing about how the Universe coordinates events perfectly. So perfectly meeting him was a foregone conclusion. After meeting him that first time, I was smitten. He gave me his number. Then we set up time to meet. It would be our first real date. An opportunity to sniff each others’ butts…so to speak.

I felt we were a perfect match. But it was clear Quinn wasn’t so sure. I was up for the exploration, knowing however it would go, it would be perfect.

Take note!

Did you notice that last sentence? It expresses the purpose of this post. I’m writing this post as a followup. But I’m also, as always, offering advice on how to effortlessly meet your match. And to share what to do when your match doesn’t go as desired.

What you do when things seem to go wrong determines your future. This shouldn’t surprise regular readers. Your thoughts in the present shape your future. Negative thoughts align you with future experiences that will match that negativity. Positive thoughts align you with future positive experience.

So when your date doesn’t go as planned, you have a choice. You can create a future that looks like the experience you just had. Or you can create a future that looks different. How you think is how you create. And most trans women and trans-attracted guys are creating futures resembling their past experience. Which is why so many in both camps are unhappy in love.

So take note!

The fact is, your dating life is going perfectly. If it sucks, that’s showing you something you really want to know. It’s showing you that what you’re creating isn’t aligned with what you want. So change your creation approach!

Unfortunately, almost no humans understand this. So they double-down on stories creating their unpleasant results. Doing that, they create more unpleasant results! You don’t need to do that.

The Universe always reveals

The first indicator something was up was the frequency with which Quinn communicated. Bottom line: there was no frequency, because there was no communication. That was a red flag. I sent a confirmation text, to be sure he gave me the right number. I didn’t get a reply until the next day. When I replied to that message, I didn’t get a reply at all.

Something was up.

Of course, he could have been busy. But think about it: if someone really wants to get to know you, won’t their behavior match that? The answer is yes! If they’re not matching your eagerness then they’re not eager. And if they’re not eager, that should give you pause.

Now, what you say to yourself about that is important. Positivity is more important than the truth. Because while people think the truth will set them free, most of the time, the truth binds them to things they don’t like. Especially if the “truth” they’re looking at is unpleasant.

I knew some of what was up. But the whole story, I also knew, would soon come out. That’s because I know the universe always reveals to me what I want to know. (<—-that’s a powerful story you might want to steal from this post!)

In our first encounter I mentioned my ex-wife. When I did, I noticed a shift in Quinn’s being. It was subtle. But my “spidey senses” told me something changed. That got confirmed later.

He drops a couple bombs

Quinn eventually did reply. Then we set a time for our date.

I got there early. He came on time, looking disheveled because he just got off work. Still, to me, he was radiant.

The first thing Quinn said was he is married…for 20 years! Married to his High School sweetheart! At that news I was crestfallen. But, knowing what I know, I quickly recovered my positive disposition.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.

“I didn’t want to scare you off,” he said. Ok, I thought. Positive sign…I guess.

Then Quinn described how he started transitioning a few years ago. He and his wife no longer see each other as intimate partners, so they’ve opened their marriage. She has a few partners she is seeing. Quinn has none (this is important for later).

Quinn and I then dwelled a bit on his transition. I gushed about how attractive he was, both physically, but also energetically, which he could appreciate because, it turns out, he’s also heavily into spirituality. Quinn acknowledged a hormonal condition that naturally has him presenting extremely androgynous. In fact, despite having begun transitioning, he said he was taking testosterone.

“Why?” I asked.

He replied that he’s started to de-transition. “I believe my wanting to transition was self-directed homophobia,” He said. “My unwillingness to accept that I’m attracted to men.”

Wow. This was getting really interesting! So he transitioned because he had a story “only girls are attracted to guys. So I must be a girl.”

Personal expansion stares me in the face!

It was also getting interesting because in that moment I was discovering something about myself. Something that, again, made us perfect matches.

You see, in my spiritual practice, what I’ve learned is real love is unconditional. Real love ignores conditions. Real love doesn’t care about sex. It doesn’t care about gender. Real love doesn’t care about how much a person makes, or what that person does to make that money.

Personal preferences do care about those things. And personal preferences can trump real love, turning it into something other than that. And let’s be frank: personal preferences change. They typically are based on beliefs. A lot of beliefs about ourselves. And beliefs about what others might think. Including what they might think, for example, about our partner and how that reflects on us.

We all are all living, thinking, walking, being love. We ARE love at our core. But relationship expectations and preferences can thwart that realization. What I was realizing right around the time Quinn dropped these bombs was, maybe I could enjoy loving a guy. Why not? I am love. I want to love unconditionally. And here was the Universe bringing me a guy who reflected exactly what I was contemplating and throwing him right in my face!

It was LOVELY. And it endeared me to Quinn even more. Not less.

By this time, I couldn’t help it. I just let it all hang out. I told Quinn that, in no uncertain terms, if he was game, I’d like to explore this more and see where it goes. Quinn agreed we had a lot in common. He wanted to see me again and see where things went.

But I also sensed some hesitation in his vibration. And that was the next red flag.

Making him own his stories

After talking about his transition, or rather, his de-transition, Quinn asked me about my age. Or rather, as I prefer to put it, “the age of my body”.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. It can wreak havoc on all kinds of goals. Especially relationship and love goals. It’s something I’m working through myself. As I come more into being unconditional love, I’m letting go of stories about my age. Which is why I was able to talk with Quinn. He’s 36. I’m nearing 60 (although I don’t look it). I think the age of my body concerned Quinn. Particularly given the relatively short time he’s been in his.

Age is a big sticking point for humans. (Photo by Gert Stockmans on Unsplash)

So we talked through that issue and it was clear his concerns weren’t mollified. That’s ok, I thought, his concern has nothing to do with me. It’s about his preferences. Preferences that probably would block potential enjoyment he could have experiencing “us”.

Did you get that? That paragraph above is yet another positive story. In telling it, in my reality, I forced him to accept responsibility for his stories. In other words, I didn’t make his concern about age diminish my knowing of what I offer another. Nor did I let it invalidate my self-worth. That’s an important skill to cultivate as you explore relationships with other humans.

Quinn and I talked about other topics. Things we have in common, for example. We talked about his home remodeling project and our mutual love for BMW cars. That we both love walking and riding bikes as means of transportation was another thing we talked about. We did have a LOT in common.

However, I think Quinn couldn’t focus on the many things we had in common. Instead, he focused on things he saw as red flags.

What happened?

We never had that opportunity to meet a third time. Although he asked me to reach out to him in a couple weeks, when I did, he didn’t reply. And here is where the dating advice gets important.

At this stage in a relationship –– presumably the “end” –– what you do next is CRITICAL. What you do next either creates more futures consistent with what you just experienced, or, it creates CHANGE in your relationship experience. Since I know this, I created the latter.

What I’m going to share may not resonate. I’m in a much deeper, spiritual experience than you likely are. So what I did you might not be able to do and be sincere about it. But you can create your version of what I did next. And doing so will serve you tremendously.

After not hearing from Quinn, I did what I recommend all my clients do when a potential partner poops out: I created stories bolstering my positivity. Looking back at what Quinn shared, I could create several such stories. Stories that put responsibility on Quinn for doing what he did (ghosting) instead of making it about me:

He’s de-transitioning. That must be wreaking havoc in his head. I don’t blame him for behaving this way. He probably has a LOT of things he’s thinking through.
He’s married in an open relationship. I know from experience that open relationships can be hard. I imagine it’s even harder for a cis-trans couple married for 20 years and negotiating opening the relationship.
This is his first attempt with a guy. He’s likely overwhelmed with the idea of facing his shame and self-loathing (he called it self-directed homophobia). My openness and willingness probably overwhelmed him. I told him with extreme clarity that I found him desirable. He probably doesn’t see himself as desirable.
His wife has partners, he doesn’t. I know it’s one thing for a partner to have lovers. But when that partner’s partner starts seeing someone, it can be hard…for both parties. He’s probably finding it difficult to share. Or maybe SHE’S finding it difficult to experience.

These four stories, fostered a deep peace within me. They also had me feeling compassion and understanding about Quinn. It doesn’t matter if they’re true or not. What matters is how the stories make me feel. Because if I feel positive (and compassion and understanding are positive) that means I’m aligned with a better, even more positive future.

But I wasn’t just feeling compassion and understanding. I felt (and still feel) deep love for Quinn. An unconditional love. I could have been with him no matter what he was going through. And isn’t that what humans are looking for in a relationship?

Unconditional love: what it looks like

Unfortunately, most people who have an experience like what you just read will resort to blame. They’ll attack and accuse. They’ll make up stories that demean the other person, or themselves. Trans and trans-attracted people especially do this.

The problem with that is, one, the person you’re attacking doesn’t know what you’re doing. They’re not affected by it. Not one bit. Two, YOU ARE AFFECTED BY IT. And your future is too.

After a suitable time passed, I sent Quinn a text. My (unconditional) love for him was so strong, it just came out of me:

This is the thing: if you need someone you love in your life, or if you suffer because they no longer are, you’re loving them conditionally. That’s not what you are. It’s inauthentic.

I get it though. Society trains us out of our unconditional love. Movies, songs, parents, even potential mates do this. No wonder there’s so much suffering in the name of “love”.

My clients are finding their way out of that suffering. You can too. Contact me to learn how.

Quinn gave me a huge gift. One I’ll cherish. No matter who he ends up with, I wish him the best.

January 30, 2024December 17, 2023

“I’m Sick And Tired Of Being Angry” – Trans Woman Says

Synopsis: “Madge,” a transgender woman, discovers through meditation her deep-seated anger stemming from fears about her safety. Although she lives in trans-friendly Portland and has faced no violence, her fears have hardened into resistance, which complicates her relationships. By recognizing her internal barriers, Madge takes the first step to dismantling her anger and enhancing her future relationships.

A transgender client this week spoke for many trans women we know who struggle with love. And with life.

It’s not that her life is bad. Or that she’s failing at love. She’s doing well at both. In fact, this client’s realization came at a high point in her sessions. But the revelation was sobering for her. I’m sure it will be for many reading the following account of what happened.

It really is an amazing testament of what clients get from this practice.

Let’s dive in.

The hard shell of false self protection

This client, “Madge” is an advanced practitioner. As a result, she’s starting to explore more esoteric aspects of the practice. That exploration begins with meditation.

Our specific meditation method is powerful. Which is why Madge had what happen, happen. In fact, what happened, happened in her first meditation session. That’s how effective our meditation practice is!

The meditation lasted only five minutes. Half-way through, Madge revealed something she never revealed before.

“I’m so angry all the time,” she said. “I’m sick and tired of being angry all the time.” As she said this, tears streamed down her face.

Now, tears are a good thing. Despite some people demeaning the act, crying indicates a great release of resistance. That’s why, after a good cry, people feel better!

Resistance is a major impediment to getting what we want. Particularly in love. We create resistance when we tell stories contrary to our desires. That resistance makes getting what we want hard or impossible.

Madge’s anger is an act of self protection. But it’s also a sign of resistance. Her anger emanates from her and everyone can feel it. Especially Madge. That keeps everyone at a comfortable distance from her. Including men who might otherwise be interested in her.

Her intense, smoldering anger also explains why Madge takes “mood stabilizers.” That hard shell of protection emanating as anger also triggers a lot of anxiety. Anxiety telling her that protection is unnecessary.

Your emotions matter

Certain emotions tell us how much resistance exists within us. Anger indicates very strong resistance. After five minutes were up, Madge and I talked about why she was angry. The conversation was quite revelatory.

“I’m always holding a guard up,” She explained. “I believe I need to because if I don’t, I feel I’m at risk of being attacked.”

Madge believes that, because she’s trans, she’s at greater physical risk. Now, many transgender people will agree with this belief. And while statistics show a correlation between being trans and increased risk of violence, those statistics break down when it comes to individuals.

In other words, whether a transgender person, or anyone for that matter, experiences violence depends 100 percent on that person’s stories. Not stats. And many stories transgender women tell about anti-trans violence are out of touch with what’s actually happening in their lives.

Everyone is in touch with their emotions though. And Madge’s anger was telling her that her stories were creating experiences Madge would not like. Including her being alone.

Her beliefs are also a major factor as to why she’s chronically anxious. Anger and anxiety are both strong emotions. For Madge, most of this occurs at very subtle levels. Mostly because she’s let these beliefs fester for so long.

That the meditative practice surfaced them was a great thing. So we explored it further.

Confronting what’s actually happening

Madge lives in Portland, Oregon. The city is well-known as a haven for trans people. I was shocked Madge believed she was at risk here. So I poked at that belief:

“How long have you lived in Portland as a trans person?” I asked.

“Over seven years,” She said.

“And in those seven years, how many times have you experienced physical violence?” I asked.

Madge had to think about it. I already knew the answer.

“I have never experienced violence,” Madge said thoughtfully.

“OK, and how many times can you remember receiving verbal insults related to your trans-ness in those ten years?” I asked.

“None,” She said.

By now Madge was seeing obvious discrepancies between her fears and her actual life. This was very important, of course. That’s because Madge really wants to be in a relationship. And all the men she’s meeting reflect her fears and worries: They are on the DL. They haven’t fully embraced that trans women are ok to be attracted to. In other words, they feel risk, just like Madge does. No wonder such men show up in her life. She’s a match to them!

Serendipity: the best dating method

I assert many times in this blog that the best way to meet your match is through every day activities out in life. Not online dating. But if a person is afraid of the outside world, I can see how they’d resort to that sucky online experience.

Madge is afraid of the outside world. That fear emanates from her. It blinds her too. It prevents her from seeing guys checking her out. She also can’t tell when a guy compliments her about her appearance. When they do, she ignores it. Or tells the most disempowering story about it. Other times, when she notices a guy staring at her, she nearly always interprets his stare as threatening. When instead, the stare could indicate romantic interest.

Madge and I talked about this in the past.

So if you’re afraid of the world around you, it’s impossible for the Universe to match you with your ideal partner. Your stories create your experience. You also can’t enjoy the fun of such an in-real-life rendezvous! Like this. The Universe is sending matches your way, but if you’ve got that hard shell of protection erected, you’re not going to even notice them.

Its all good tho

The good news is, this situation is reversible. Meanwhile, the Universe will never tire of bringing you ideal matches. That’s something to celebrate. Many people worry that the pool of eligible partners is too small.

Poppycock!

There are an unlimited number of people looking to be with you. Just because you don’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not there!

The good news for Madge is, she now realizes something that’s been blocking her for a long time. Now she can start dismantling it. And in doing so she can let in the men she wants to meet. She’s already made progress. The men she meets are improving. Meanwhile, there’s a lot more progress ahead.

Maybe you’re struggling to meet your match. Let’s figure that out. It 100 percent has to do with stories you’re telling. Thankfully, telling positive stories and weeding out disempowering ones is my speciality. So let’s talk.