I have a client on the Positively Focused side of what I do. She’s cisgender and has fallen for a man she manifested. But the man waffles a lot over his commitment to her. Rather than seeing this guy as not worth her time, because he does not meet her minimum requirements, she’s clinging to this man.
Because she believes this man is the only man out there for her, she believes she MUST have this man. As a result of her scarcity consciousness — about men and relationships — she suffers as the guy keeps breaking up with her, then he apologizes and comes back to her.
On my bike ride this morning I couldn’t help contrasting her experience with my own. As I’ve written in earlier posts, I now have a girlfriend. What’s remarkable, among many things, about Muriel, is her radical self acceptance. She knows herself. She recognizes those things about herself she wants to improve. And most importantly, one of those is not trying to pass as a cisgender woman.
I love that about her. Her radical acceptance of her status as a transgender woman resonates powerfully with me. That’s because I know the best happiness lies in self acceptance. Accepting fully who we are is the key to getting everything we want.
Loving who we are as we are
Self acceptance is a struggle for many transgender women. Muriel say this is because transgender women try to be something they’re not. I agree. They compare themselves to cisgender women. Then use that comparison as the yardstick for their “passability”.
Hopefully, dear reader, you can see the built-in struggle of that approach. Many transgender women compare themselves against something they’ll never be. And, in that comparison, they cannot accept a man who wants them for who they ACTUALLY are. So it’s no surprise such women struggle with finding love in relationship. It’s also no wonder they revile trans-attracted men.
They don’t fully love themselves as they are. So when someone expresses love for them as they are, they reject that person. As they reject themselves. Thankfully, Muriel is not that way. She loves (most) of who and what she is. So she can accept my affection. Indeed, my affection apparently amplifies her own self-appreciation. And I enjoy doing that for her. I reflecting back to her the love she has for herself.
Joy and freedom are at the heart of self acceptance. The more one pushes toward greater acceptance of all that one is, the more love and joy one will experience. First in themselves. Then in the world around them. In time the world will reflect back to them that inner state of joy. And when that happens, everything the person wants must show up in their life experience. Including lovers.
This is true for transgender women and trans-attracted men. It applies to everyone actually.
Loving ourselves is the best thing we can do to get all we want. Especially in love. (Photo by Giulia Bertelli on Unsplash)
Our perfect match is looking for us
Which again, is why Muriel and I have found one another. It’s no surprise that Muriel and I find the relationship we are experiencing satisfying. The limits it includes are perfectly matched to our life situations. Hers, being in an open marriage. Mine, being focused on my spiritual path. These two aspects of our lives are perfectly accommodated in what we share.
I want my Positively Focused client to find her full self acceptance. Doing so, she’ll find no need to pine after men. When it does, men like the one she’s pursuing won’t show up. Instead, she’ll rendezvous with men who are equally matched to her self acceptance. This already is happening. She’s getting better at seeing this.
Confidence, joy, freedom, security. All these are available to those who fully accept themselves. It doesn’t matter whether one is trans or cis. We’re all human after all. And we all have multiple perfect matches looking for us. Not just one. I love helping trans women and trans-attracted men find those kinds of matches.
Accepting oneself fully is not an easy matter though. Especially when so much of society conditions us out of self acceptance. That’s why someone like me can help those wanting joy, satisfaction and love.
If you’re one of those people wanting more joy, satisfaction and love, contact me. Results are guaranteed. Whatever you want you can have. But you first must become a match to it.
Often transgender clients offer great examples proving what we say here at The Transamorous Network. That happened again today (at the time of writing this).
The example perfectly shows how our stories create our reality. It also perfectly shows how our stories play out in our own behaviors, and the others’ behavior. Which makes every date we have an experience bearing gifts.
Seeing our stories play out in real time offers us tremendous benefits. Only by seeing them can we do something about them though. So it’s important to learn how to interpret our stories as they play out.
“Reality”, of course, includes our behaviors. So in addition to how we feel and what we think, another great way of discovering stories we have is by looking at how we behave. And how people behave toward us. Especially on dates.
By doing that, we can deliberately chart paths to all the love (or anything else) we want by telling better stories. This is the basis for why I work with transgender and trans-attracted clients. On the way to getting all they want, clients become empowered. They also become happier. This client is no exception.
Let’s take a look at the wonderful example she offered.
Creating her dating reality as she goes
She recently stopped online dating. I don’t encourage anyone to go that route, so I’m glad she stopped. Here’s why I don’t recommend dating online. But most clients coming to me are on that path. After a while though, they stop dating online. That’s because it’s just more fun meeting your perfect match through serendipity. Online dating sucks.
The client, I’ll call Sarah, now has several men she’s seeing. Most of them are casual. And a few of them involve actually going out on dates. That’s great because Sarah, who is trans, once told herself very strong stories about men not being willing to take her out. But because she’s changed her stories, men now take her out! Go figure!
One guy I’ll call Cleo, wants to take Sarah out. But he’s scared. He still resists his trans-attraction. So, he’ll text Sarah, telling her he wants to see her. Or text her about taking her out. Sarah likes getting these messages. But it irks her that he won’t follow up. She wants him to take her out. He won’t though.
I explained to Sarah that Cleo represents a stepping stone along the path to the relationship she ultimately wants and will have. I also said the more she focuses on positive aspects of what Cleo offers, the more she becomes a match to that relationship she ultimately wants.
Sarah’s working on this. Some days she’s better at it than others. But what happened in today’s session was instructive. First, let’s look at some context.
A relationship to beat all relationships
Sarah loves a man she really wants to be with. She and this guy, who I’ll call Paul, have talked on and off for years. It’s obvious Paul likes Sarah. But he too fears his trans-attraction. Yet he keeps coming back to Sarah. Sarah really wants to be with Paul. I assure her constantly she can be with Paul and will be. Once she becomes fully a match to him and vice versa.
But stories Sarah keeps active about relationships, about Paul and about herself keep her from becoming that match. I am working with Sarah to identify and soothe these stories.
One story she has is if she told Paul about her dating experiences, Paul will get angry at her and cut her off, even though Paul has consistently told Sarah she should date other people. I told Sarah she should share with Paul what she does with these other men. Not to manipulate Paul in any way, but, instead, to authentically express what she’s doing. Besides, it’s exactly what Paul encouraged. And, I assured Sarah, it’s something Paul would appreciate.
So Sarah really wants to be with Paul. Paul likes Sarah a lot and wants that too. But both keep telling stories that keep the two apart. And Sarah won’t communicate authentically with Paul because she’s afraid.
Ok, that’s the context. Now, back to Cleo. Keep in mind what you just read. See if you can put the pieces together about stories and how they created the reality you’re about to read before I explain it in the section after this next one.
Perfect manifestation played in real time
One day Cleo texted Sarah. He complained that a lot of older cis-women were coming on to him. He said he had lots of opportunity to “fuck” these women. But he didn’t know what he wanted to do. Sarah told him he should enjoy these women. He should have sex with them, she said, if he wants to and thinks he will enjoy it.
In other words, she was sharing what we talk about in The Transamorous Network dating approach. The more a person can enjoy life, the more life will yield to them more enjoyable experiences. That’s the general rule. I applauded Sarah for telling Cleo this. It’s spot-on guidance.
A couple days later, Cleo texted Sarah. He shared news that he did actually follow Sarah’s advice. He said he had a great time doing it. Remember, Sarah encouraged Cleo to have sex with these women.
Here’s what happened next, in Sarah’s own words:
“After he told me,” she said. “I got mad. Then I picked a big, giant fight with him. He got really angry with me. Then he stopped talking to me.”
Can you see what happened here? It’s a perfect manifestation of Sarah’s stories about Paul and her playing out in her relationship with Cleo!
The evidence: plain as day
Sarah is playing out her story about being authentic with Paul, with Cleo. Here Cleo is, doing what I suggest Sarah could do with Paul. Cleo is telling Sarah authentically what’s happening in his life with these other women. Notice how Sarah first responds to his authentic sharing. She’s empathetic. She offers really good advice: do what pleases you.
But then, when Cleo acts on Sarah’s advice, Sarah gets pissed. We could replace Cleo with Sarah in this example, and Sarah with Paul. Doing that, we can see how Sarah is creating a reality wherein her stories about Paul and her play out in real time. In perfect view for all to see.
See it?
If I tell Paul what I’m doing with these other men, he’ll get mad and stop talking with me. That’s Sarah’s story about her relationship with Paul. And that story has Sarah feeling fear. Meanwhile, when Cleo does what Sarah’s afraid to do with Paul, at first, Sarah is compassionate. She offers great advice. But when he follows it Sarah gets mad and picks a fight – exactly what she’s afraid Paul will do if she shares authentically what she’s up to, which is what Sarah got mad at Cleo for doing. After all, Sarah is doing what Paul suggested: see other guys. But she’s afraid to share that with him.
First, Sarah is interested and compassionate. This tells her that Paul would be interested and compassionate should she communicate authentically to him. But her fear dominates her behavior as a manifestation. So she gets mad at Cleo after first being interested and compassionate. Then Cleo does what Sarah is afraid Paul will do: stops talking to her.
Power and leverage unveiled
The evidence here is as plain as day. But it’s complicated and hard to see if we don’t know to interpret our reality.
This is the kind of thing we uncover in Transamorous Network sessions. It’s the gold in daily life which reveals to us everything we want to know. Everything that will get us all the love we want. Or all the money we want. Or whatever else we want. Definitely all the happiness we can handle. And then some.
As we can see, physical reality is very sophisticated. The uninitiated have a hard time figuring all this out. That’s because we have a literal constellation of stories creating our ongoing, unfolding reality. A reality that includes behaviors of others. Others we create as specific versions for ourselves. Those versions reflect our stories back to us so we can do something about them. Our own behaviors do the same thing. But we’re often blind to this.
All of this gives us clues about our inner-understanding. Our inner world constantly projects outward. It creates our realities all day, every day. Which is why Transamorous Network sessions offer so much value. Through the sessions, clients learn how to read the clues.
Just because we can’t see all this doesn’t mean it’s not happening. It is happening. And when a person starts seeing life through this lens, they come into incredible power and leverage. Power and leverage allowing one to deliberately create any reality they want. Including one in which a transgender woman, or a trans-attracted man can enjoy anything they want. That perfect lover included.
I once had a female housemate named Debbie. She left her “real job” for a calling. Instead of that “real job”, she wanted to become a life coach. This was back in the day when “life coaching” was the thing.
Months went by and Debbie wasn’t making much progress. One day, I happened to see her in the house. In that moment, I knew Debbie had lost her dream.
The look on her face said everything. The dread on her face and tears in her eyes spoke volumes. Debbie probably feared what she thought would happen next if she ran out of money. I remember giving her a long embrace. I told her it would be ok.
Debbie eventually moved out. She relocated to another state, got a job and, today, as far as I can tell, is happy. She married. Got a dog. She’s gotten back into dance, something she loves. As far as I know, life is good for Debbie.
Too good to be true?
As I pursue my calling, I know how Debbie felt. Yet I persist. Why? Because I know something Debbie didn’t. I also had extraordinary experiences that convinced me I could succeed. Debbie likely did not. Finally, enough evidence has show up along the way to convince me I’m progressing.
For Transgender women and trans-attracted men, the calling often pursued is finding that one person who clicks all our boxes. Someone who will love us. Someone who we’re compatible with. A person we can love. Someone we find attractive.
But many of us think such a person is too good to be true. Like Debbie, transgender women and trans-attracted men actively looking for love don’t believe what they want is possible. So we give up. Or we compromise on our dream.
Transgender women will settle for other women. They don’t believe a guy will love them. Trans-attracted men will spend all their money on escorts. They don’t believe they can find a beautiful transgender woman who won’t reject them. We compromise on our dreams because the idea of never finding love feels worse than the compromise.
Of course, there are lots of transgender women happy living and loving other women. And there are some trans-attracted men who settle for cis-gender women and live happily. Debbie found happiness too.
But we have dreams for good reasons. Still, giving up on them seems rational. Especially when the dream itself seems so irrational. Or scary.
But all dreams feel that way at first. Especially big ones. For many, finding love feels like a big one.
Living the dream
Plenty of examples show how worth it pursuing a dream can be. Hell, the very act of transitioning was once a dream for many transgender women. Now, for most transgender women, it’s just a known and accepted process. We could even say that process is now pedestrian. So many folks transition these days it’s not a big deal anymore.
This can be the case with ANY dream. Including the dream of finding and living a life with a satisfying lover. But old beliefs, will resist anyone who dares to follow such a dream. Which is why dreams feel scary or impossible. It’s not that they are scary or impossible. It’s because we think they are. And those thoughts conjure negative feelings we call “fear”, “scary” and “disbelief”.
Think about it though. Anyone who has actually pursued a dream realizes something remarkable. In pursuing, fear goes away. Done right fear gets replaced by adventure, interest and passion. Then, in perfect timing, when the dream is realized, the path to that dream feels sweet.
Then others see what we’ve done. Our example inspires others. Then the world changes. That’s the power of a dream! It’s world-changing.
Living the dream then, isn’t about getting to the goal of that lover or whatever. It’s the journey to that lover. That journey is the adventure that makes arrival so satisfying. Which means living the dream is worth every step along that path. And along the journey we inspire others.
We can all live our dreams. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people. In doing so we change the world. (Photo by Gaelle Marcel on Unsplash)
Is it worth it?
My experience proves what you’re reading. There have been moments of fear along my journey. But I know what “fear” means. Yes, there’s that “False Evidence Appearing Real” thing. But fear also is a beneficial emotion, like all emotions. Understanding what fear or disbelief tells us makes those emotions comply with our dream. And when that happens in us, it’s much easier to see the path before us. It’s much easier to see the end goal as a reality too.
That’s how my transgender and trans-attracted clients find their lovers. I show them how to turn their fear and disbelief into empowerment and expectation. Then I show them how to see evidence of progress toward their lovers. The more evidence they see, the more expectation and empowerment grows in them.
Before long, they arrive, happy and in love.
Anything a transgender person or a trans-attracted guy wants, they can have. Such people choose being born as trans or trans-attracted for powerful reasons. One: their lives inspire others. Two: Their example changes the world.
Getting what we want, especially love, can be scary. Especially when we don’t believe it’s possible. I don’t want to help you believe it’s possible. I want you to KNOW it is. Because it is. Don’t be scared. Live your dream. Have the love you want. I’ll show you how. Contact me.
Yes, I have a girlfriend now. She happens to be trans. This is relatively new. And it’s consistent with everything I tell my clients. My life is a great example of how our stories about life create great love lives.
I call her “Muriel”. I’m honoring her privacy, so I’m not sharing her personal details. Which is interesting because just this week, I shared with Muriel my previous post introducing our situation to my readers. After reading the draft, Muriel, suggested maybe she had a photo of her I could include. One that wouldn’t reveal too much about her.
I thought that cute. My interpretation was she was as open to sharing our shared experience as I was. She is an avid Transamorous Network reader after all.
She sent me a couple pictures. Both were “rated PG” and flattering in my opinion. But I thought they’d not protect her privacy. Now, Muriel and I are a great match. So it wasn’t a surprise that I had already selected the exact same photos of her, photos she sent me weeks ago, to post. But then I decided not to. Back then too, I thought them too revealing. We laughed at that, then agreed not to include a photo at all.
That exchange shows how great how much of a match we are. Which, again, is what I tell my clients, both trans and trans-attracted. What I offer at The Transamorous Network is 100 percent effective. It always results in perfect matches. No dating site required. No bullshit. Just getting what you want.
It’s also no wonder then that Muriel called me “babe” for the first time this week. Now, I’m not gushing or “in love” or any of that common stuff people get into when first starting a relationship. I’m totally clear what’s going on. Especially what’s happening within me. So I’m getting what I want. And reveling in the fun Muriel and I enjoy.
I described what’s happening with Muriel and me to a transgender client this week. This client is enjoying similar results in her life. She marveled about how transparent and communicative we are around sensitive relationship topics. Topics such as sex, men bottoming, bottom surgery, and what we like and don’t like. It’s true, Muriel and I have had exemplary conversations on subjects many trans-attracted men and trans women end up bitterly fighting about or break up over.
But for Muriel and I, they’re no big deal. Just more opportunity for deepening the connection we share.
I’m eager to see where this goes. But I’m really enjoying where we are. And I’m reveling in our deepening intimacy. Just like I tell my clients to do.
Which is why I’m also celebrating her calling me babe by writing this post.
Editors Note: This is a story by Kari Lassauniere, a transgender woman I have the distinct pleasure of knowing. I’m sharing it because the story offers a perspective that can be of great value to transgender women. I’ve edited it just slightly.
How did I get to accept the penis as a feminine body part? Or more importantly: how did I get to accept MY penis as part of MY feminine body?
This will be an article where we are going to talk about genitals. Sex stuff is going to come up. Colloquial and medical terms for specific genitals are going to be used.
I would, however, ask that you keep in mind I am trans femme. I write for myself and about trans women. But first, a little recap on what we are supposed to think about when it comes to trans genitals and why thinking that way is junk. Not that junk though. 🤣
The current narrative surrounding transgender women accepting themselves and then coming out runs something like this: As a child the trans person just knew they were trans. As a small child they intrinsically knew what being trans meant and that they needed to transition to survive.
This will manifest as a feeling of being “Born in the wrong body”. They will consequently have an awful childhood, no matter how supportive their parents are. They will come out publicly at some point and embrace all the überfemme stereotypes. At some point they will start hormone replacement therapy. They will absolutely hate their genitals and they will at some point have bottom surgery, specifically a vaginoplasty.
This is wrong. It’s all completely wrong and we need to tear it up and toss it out.
A different take
I am not saying trans people don’t need to transition, or that surgery may not be necessary. I am not even saying that embracing whatever expression of femininity that has resonance within you is wrong, even when that expression is looking like a barbie and dressing age inappropriately.
What I am saying is wrong, is the cis-heteronormative lens trans people and transition are viewed from. As long as you view yourself and your identity through this lens, you cannot accept yourself nor your transition in its entirety. With this conception of trans people and transition, genital surgeries are mandatory.
Through the lens of cis-heteronormativity the cis body, and state of being, is considered normal and desirable. Being transgender, on the other hand, is an abnormal and undesirable state. The state of being trans, in a cis-heteronormative society, is to be a faulty product sent back for repair. This is because through this lens “woman” actually describes “cis-woman”.
Dave Chapelle refers to a neovagina as “impossible pussy” in reference to the “Impossible Burger”. It’s not real meat, he says. It’s as near as can be without slaughtering a cow, but it’s still not beef.
Listening to many trans women speak about their neovaginas, they use words like “it looks like a real vagina” or “it’s indistinguishable from a cis vagina”. I use the examples of Dave Chapelle, a virulent transphobe, and trans women because it highlights the near universality of this view of trans people. Both transphobes and trans people accept this paradigm. We, as trans people, buy this narrative just as readily as cisgender people.
However, a vagina is just one part of a woman and this view extrapolates beyond mere genitals. Cis-women are seen as the real McCoy and trans women as the near perfect imitation, if the transes have the snippity-snip-snip that is. This ideology, the idea that cis is normal and trans abnormal, starts at birth and pervades every inch of trans and cis lives. Worse yet it harms both cis and trans people.
An inconvenient mandate
When a child is born, a few things happen. The newborn gets weighed, measured and gendered. This is the first interaction the child will have with the prescriptive system dictating their existence from there on out. Gender is an understanding of oneself and as such, looking at a baby’s junk, before that baby has the mental capacity to understand the self, then declaring the baby’s gender as known – by the presence of a penis or vagina – is incorrect.
The best a doctor can actually do is assess the child’s genitals and make a relatively safe assumption as to what gender the child is, but at birth no one can be sure. By recording a known gender on a birth certificate and saying “Congratulations! It’s a Boy!!” a child is made either cisgender or transgender. You cannot be transgender if you have no gender to be incongruent with.
This is where the fault lies, this is where trans people learn to hate themselves. Within minutes of our birth we are labelled, categorised, documented, and our disorder cemented. In that instant we go from being a child full of potential, to a tragic story that needs surgery to – at best – be a very good facsimile of the real deal.
We also need to ask exactly what is a cis gender boy or girl? What exactly are we imposing on cis kids? Maybe they don’t feel the intense dysphoria a trans child feels, but by imposing a gender on that child, are we not stifling their understanding of themselves and their potential? Are we not putting the newborn into a limiting box?
In that moment, your genital configuration at birth becomes a predictor of your entire life story. If your gender happens to coincide with what society accepts as the genitals appropriate for your gender, you are cis. If, however, your genitals do not coincide with the socially “normal”, you are transgender and you are now abnormal.
A psychologist describing the “abnormal” state many transgender women fall into, which feels like self-loathing.
Coming to love her dick
So we get back to my earlier statement of genital surgery being mandatory in a cis-heteronormative society. When you accept cis as normal and trans as abnormal, you also accept prescribed remedies to bring the transgender body into normalcy.
Unfortunately, in this environment, your new genitals will always be “Impossible Pussy” and never a “Real vagina”.
You will be forever trapped in the wrong body.
Once again we need to ask the question: How did Queer Kari learn to stop worrying and love her dick? It’s a profound question. Strangely it had nothing to do with my penis. In fact it was completely unintentional.
I was born and assigned male at birth. Growing up I had the distinct understanding that there was an incongruity with my understanding of myself, and the identity imposed on me. I didn’t want to play with Barbie and I didn’t give a rat’s ass about the colour pink. I simply understood that I was not what the world understood me to be.
Later at Kindergarten, our class was divided into boys and girls for activities. And this is where the incongruence came a little more into focus. There I understood that I was seen as a boy. Unfortunately I neither had the vocabulary or understanding of myself to adequately express to either my parents and teachers that I was, in fact, some form of girl.
It was only much later when I had pried myself from the iron embrace of my parents expectations, society’s prejudices and religion’s clasp, that I was able to admit to myself that I was not male. When I did come out, when I did fully grasp what I was and was able to resolve the incongruence, my first stop was to start the process toward vaginoplasty.
We don’t understand gender
Before I got there though, I made a stop at hormone replacement therapy and feminism. Somewhere in the process of growing boobs, and a steady diet of Contrapoints, feminism and losing my male privilege, I realised something: Much like male privilege, cis privilege is a thing.
Cis Privilege is the idea that cis is the norm, the default and trans is not merely another state of being, but an abnormal one. This privileges cis people over trans people and creates a social inequality that cannot be opted out of. I cannot choose to be cis as a black person cannot choose to be white, as Matt Walsh cannot choose to not be an idiot.
This is what is completely wrong. And this is what must be torn up and thrown out.
When we remove the idea that trans is an opposite to cis, we accept that it is, in fact, just another possible state of being. Neither wrong nor right, merely being. From this position, the words “transgender” and “transition” can be understood to be constructed incorrectly.
If you understand trans as a “normal” state, then the word transgender shifts from meaning “someone whose gender is incongruent with their biology” to “someone whose genitals at birth are a variant differing from the mean“. We move to a position where we must accept that some women have a dick. Similarly when we look at the process we have labelled “transition”, we must ask: what exactly are we transitioning to and from?
Finding herself
When we accept the imposition that a gender is incorrect and that gender is an understanding of the self, it follows, then, that someone like me may never have been identified as a male. If I had a say in it, I would have ticked the F or NB box. And if this is an understanding of myself, exactly what gender am I “transitioning” from and too?
That is to say, no one is cis or trans, they merely are.
I didn’t accept my penis and learn to love it, I learnt that we as humans simply don’t understand gender. I simply choose to refuse to accept cis privilege. I am not “impossible”.
I am.
My penis was never a male penis. My body was never a male body. To me transition is a flawed term describing treatment for a hormonal problem that was causing me depression.
