Category: Cis-trans relationships

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Why People Are Better Off Avoiding Being Vulnerable

Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash

TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem, the author says, especially for trans and trans-attracted people. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.

Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But trans and trans-attracted people know being vulnerable is hard, scary and not very fun. After all, who wants to be seen as something other than what the mainstream tells is us ok?

Indeed the very act of being trans or trans-attracted demands a level of vulnerability most people needn’t face. It can literally be a life or death decision. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower trans and trans-attracted people?

In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.

Why experts vaunt vulnerability

Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. As said before, it also can lead to terrifying consequences. Then again, society praises it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it’s usually terrifying. So much so, people won’t do it. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Which explains why so many trans women want to pass and trans-attracted men live on the DL.

But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:

So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do experts vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm, increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.

It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?

Rejection inherent in vulnerability

The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.

But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.

In other words, the potential consequences of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, however, and the whole calculus changes.

What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.

That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.” Although for trans people and some trans-attracted men, it can be much more than that.

Still, let’s unpack this some more.

Our thoughts make it so

In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.

What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.

Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.

Now trans and trans-attracted people face a much more complicated situation. Especially trans people. That’s because they have other – legitimate – fears of actual physical harm. Those fears must also be resolved. Those fears come from valid beliefs for sure. But replacing those beliefs with other equally valid ones can be liberating.

We can see, then, it’s what we think about being vulnerable that makes it scary. We think being that way brings risk. The belief isn’t false. But better feeling beliefs aren’t either. And those better feeling beliefs can change our experience.

Our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.

Preferring rejection

Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain, I would say many more people would be that way.

Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.

Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of beliefs around being so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.

That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens, we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.

So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.

Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)

Finding power in changed belief

Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad. For trans people, that includes violence.

But, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs. I get that’s hard for a trans person, for many people, actually, to believe. But that doesn’t make the assertion false.

If it’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. That explains why so many fear being vulnerable. And rightly so. It also explains why it feels scary.

Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.

Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.

Beliefs matter…a lot

So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.

The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.

In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a problem. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking and believing. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.

For trans and trans-attracted people such outcomes don’t come over night. A lot of old disempowering beliefs must first be soothed before evidence of improvement really starts showing itself.

But the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships. So changing our beliefs is worth it. It literally will provide us everything we want.

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Trans-Attraction: An Unappreciated Gift For Trans Women

TLDR: The author strongly suggests that Transgender women seeking a man as their partner do themselves a disservice in dismissing love from trans-attracted men. They say such men offer the most positive match to what trans women look for. By talking themselves out of persistent negative beliefs held largely by the trans community, these trans women can more easily find love in the form of trans-attracted men, thereby transforming their life and the lives of many others.

Some Transgender women rail against men who find them attractive as transgender women. They call such men “chasers”.

But what’s really happening is the women, unable to love themselves as trans, project their self loathing onto the men showing them genuine attention.

Meanwhile such men find transgender women irresistibly attractive, often because such women are transgender. Yes, they’re women. But there’s no denying their trans nature. And for certain men, that nature is a big part of the attraction, just as some women find men attractive initially, because they’re men.

In other words, trans-attracted men give transgender women what they want: acceptance, love and more. These are awesome, but unappreciated gifts. That’s because some, maybe even many, or most, transgender women are too wrapped up in negative self talk to see that what they want is right in front of them.

The men are no better. They also struggle with self-acceptance. And, dear transgender women, it’s lack of self-acceptance in these men that make such men act like dicks. Part of their dickish behavior stems from the fact that they…are, well, men…and thus have been bred to be dicks. Especially when seeking love and sex.

But that doesn’t tell the whole story behind dickish behavior, either.

More and more coming out trans

I described the journey of such men in this post. But in this post, I want to specify the natural and unique relationship existing between being transgender and being trans-attracted. The two offer gifts to each other. Gifts inherent in their personages.

That’s right, an inherent, powerful relationship exists between the two. That relationship is a gift. Transgender women who recognize then leverage this relationship will find finding love much easier. They’ll enjoy the process more, and help the men become better too.

This article is bound to trigger some transgender women. Especially those who don’t accept themselves as trans. If you are transgender and at all insecure and therefore emotionally unstable in your status as a transgender person, you should not read any further.

Those who enjoy emotional stability might find what they’re about to read eye-opening.

The New York Times noted that more kids than ever before have come out as trans in the last 5-10 years. Some in our society are looking to science to explain the phenomena. Others are losing their minds about the number of kids declaring autonomy over their gender expression. Even Caitlin Jenner expressed dismay over the number of children declaring themselves trans.

But is this really something to decry? Or is it something to celebrate?

Self-inflicted transphobia?

Science-based explanations will help many understand what’s happening. But such explanations do little to soothe emotional discomfort arising from knowing what one is while looking in the mirror and not seeing that. Or for feeling an attraction for something that triggers fear and self-hatred as in the case of trans-attracted men. Or at the least causes one to question their sexuality, which is what many trans-attracted men do once they realize they find trans women adorable.

This story will make a bold assertion: That the love transgender people, particularly transgender women, seek, exists in the very people they reject: in the hearts of trans-attracted men. This of course pertains only to transgender women who seek a relationship with a man.

Some transgender women may be able to live “stealth”. They may be able to “pass” 100 percent. With medical advances, these women can pass convincingly…even in bed…for most men. But for others…not so much. Still, for the women, as much as they may pass, they know they harbor a secret. And that secret is always at risk of being discovered.

Meanwhile, there are men who stand ready to accept transgender women for ALL they are. Not just their womanhood, but also their transgender nature. And the fact that some trans women try to reject this part of themselves generates the self-loathing running rampant in the transgender community. It’s not too far of a stretch to argue that many trans women are themselves transphobic.

Which brings up the subject of fetishizing. Let’s look at that next.

A match exists for everyone

Are heterosexual men fetishizing women with vaginas because they only want to be with a woman with a vagina? Certainly some men do fetishize cis women, just as some women fetishize some men. But most straight men want a vagina-equipped woman because that’s what they’re a match to. It’s what they desire.

The same holds true for trans-attracted men. In other words, transgender women and trans-attracted men share a special relationship. One similar to the relationship straight women share with straight men.

Is a straight woman fetishizing a straight man because she likes being penetrated by a straight man’s penis? Is she fetishizing him because she feels naturally attracted to penis-equipped men and only such men?

I would wager that transgender women would say “no, she’s not. She’s just wanting to have what she’s attracted to.” And I’m sure women have conversations with their friends in which they speak about the “dick” the same way trans-attracted men talk about certain trans women and their dick.

The only difference is, some trans women have a strong aversion to their dick. Not all women of course, but many do. And if you want to do away with that appendage, then great, go for it! But to make a man wrong because he wants a penis-equipped woman, just because you yourself don’t like having a penis, is projecting your self-rejection onto someone who doesn’t deserve your projection.

His desire for a penis-equipped woman is just as “right” as your desire not to be a penis-equipped woman. Get over it. Get over it and find your match. He (or she or they) is out there. For there is a match for everyone. Even chasers.

A relationships match to chasers

When I started The Transamorous Network I made an assertion. I said transgender people represent a leading edge aspect of what it means to be human. Each person entering the world as trans, therefore, enjoys world-transformative potential. Every transgender person arrives here intending that massive transformation. Enjoying that potential though, requires the trans person accepting what they are. In doing so, they can tap into enormous insight and power.

Every transgender person can achieve very high levels of success (however they define that). While enjoying that success, they also can transform the lives of everyone they meet. Including their parents. Including other trans people.

Nearly every person, however, almost immediately loses their way once born. They forget what they are. They adopt beliefs offered by other people who also lost their way. And so, transgender people, doing the same, end up resisting what they are. That resistance cuts them off from their natural insight and power. They compromise, then end up living lives far from even mediocre.

The same goes for love and relationship. Finding love happens effortlessly for transgender people who love themselves. But when such a person refuses to love themselves as they are, let alone accept what they are, they make themselves unloveable. Then, when they try finding love, they can’t find it.

You can’t find love if you aren’t a match to it. And if we don’t love ourselves, I mean deeply and fully, unconditionally love ourselves, we’re not a match to the love we seek. So when we try finding it, we end up meeting toads – aka chasers. Chasers are insecure transgender women’s relationship matches.

Trans-loving men: no different

Now let’s look at trans-attraction. No distinction between transgender and trans-attraction exists. Both kinds of people come into the world possessing humanity-changing potential.

For the trans-attracted man, nothing compares to the resonance he feels for transgender women. That’s because such men chose before coming into the world “trans-attraction” as one of many attributes or values they would express.

Like the women coming into the world as trans, such men chose to be trans-attracted before coming. They came presenting a new way of being to humanity so humanity can evolve. So humanity can fulfill its collective desire.

What collective desire?

Evolving closer and closer to unconditional love, which is the emotional state of All That Is. Trans-attracted men made the choice for personal reasons too: They want to evolve into unconditional love for themselves as well.

Trans-attracted men and transgender women, therefore, represent two sides of the same coin. Together they comprise a match literally made in heaven. Think about it:

  • Transgender people at some point initially feel “different” once they tap into their transness. Trans-attracted men do too when they discover how adorable trans women are.
  • Nearly every transgender person strives to reconcile that “difference” by self-integrating that back into wholeness. Many transgender people struggle with this however. Trans-attracted men struggle too with this self-integration. The struggle may look different, but a struggle it remains, and at its basic nature it is the same with both parties.
  • Most transgender people don’t accept who they are at first. Trans-attracted men don’t either. They feel shame and embarrassment. The shame gets amplified in this toxic-masculine, heterosexual-dominated global culture. Lacking support networks, as men, they struggle even more than trans women sometimes, and, again, as men, often struggle alone.
  • For many years, prior to the “trans boom” trans people buried this part of themselves. They refused to accept and express it or transition. While there’s greater acceptance these days allowing trans women to transition and live authentically, trans-attracted men remain afraid to live authentically. There are a LOT of trans-attracted men. But many remain in the shadows.

These similarities offer striking insights. But so do the differences…

What differences?

  • Trans women these days have a robust network of fellow travelers they can lean on. There’s a TON of support systems out there for them. Not so with trans-attracted men.
  • Trans-attracted men are where trans women were, say, 30 years ago. They are on their own. Hardly anyone is out there trying to help them. Recently, VERY FEW such men have come out to voice their attraction. Yet, the shame they live with continues to dominate.
  • Trans women often can compromise on relationship partners. They choose to be with a woman after trying (unsuccessfully) to find a man. They can remain with their wives, and often do, after transitioning. Trans-attracted men can do neither, unless they remain on the DL. But eventually they get found out. When that happens, their relationship is usually over.
  • There is MASSIVE public support these days for transgender people. Meanwhile, trans-attracted men remain a hidden population, often shamed into that covert life through homophobic presumptions, and, again, toxic masculine beliefs.

I’m not making a comparison akin to the “Pain Olympics”. Trans people still struggle. A lot. But it’s no denying that trans-attracted men remain where trans women were 30 years ago. It doesn’t help that the very objects of a trans-attracted man’s desire (trans women) often loathe him. That leaves the trans-attracted man with no where to turn. Is it any wonder they are on the DL, pursue hookers and consume trans porn?

I don’t think so.

The connection here to me is striking. Because the satisfaction in love trans women look for (in a man) is available in trans-attracted men. But only if trans women can give up holding such men in disparagement and revulsion. The paradox of it is – and this again represents the special relationship – the love such women seek is being held at bay by the very disparagement and revulsion those same women hold!

Mistaking attraction as fetish

Transgender women yearn for love and belonging, acceptance and respect. Trans-attracted men want to love transgender women for what they are and yearn to do so. But that kind of love, belonging and acceptance doesn’t start right out of the gate.

Loving someone for who they are comes over time, as two get to know one another. The basis upon which loving someone for who they are begins first with what they are. That’s why straight men seek straight women, gay men seek gay men, etc. Why wouldn’t a transgender woman want someone who will accept them first for what they are, then, get to know them for who they are?

Because some transgender women don’t accept themselves for what they are.

Many transgender women will not acknowledge the validity of trans-attraction. That unacknowledgement reflects their own self invalidation. Many trans women call trans-attraction a “fetish”, which is ironic because by claiming one fetishizes trans women, trans women simultaneously make themselves into an object. That’s why being fetishized without consent feels so bad. It’s not that the person sees trans women as a fetish, it’s because TRANS WOMEN interpret those people’s attention as such and then reap all that comes with that interpretation. Including the bad feelings.

A trans-attracted guy, once he gets over his shame, recognizes and respects the validity of transgender women. Then he relishes and is eager to experience love consistent with what he wants: a trans girl. There’s nothing “fetish” about that. It’s no different than cis people relishing and being eager to be with other cis people.

Acknowledging the elephant

The problem is, transgender women want heterosexual cis men to accept them as heterosexual cis women. But transgender women are not “women” in that way…they are more than women. No, this isn’t about “best of both worlds” or “something extra”. Nor is it about the political spat underway about bathrooms, feminism and the like.

Some transgender women find accepting they are more than women impossible, while other transgender women, in private conversations, acknowledge “trans” as actually something BETTER than “(cis) woman”. Trans-attracted men are attracted to trans women because they are transgender. They (the men) find outstanding qualities that come with being “trans”.

What qualities? These:

  • Assertiveness
  • Strength
  • Power
  • Clarity in their desires
  • Straight talk about sex and sexual pleasure
  • Bravery
  • The massive struggle trans people go through to be themselves, which like heat to steel tempers them and makes their characters shine.

Most of all though, is that quality one cannot put a finger on that has to do with the special relationship between being transgender and being trans-attracted. All other things being equal, transgender women and trans-attracted men are perfect matches.

So long as either side of that match refuses to accept who and what they are, however, that match shows up as no match at all. It’s not because no match exists. It’s because one side or the other believes no match exists. And so, for that side, a match doesn’t.

Perfect matches: the rule of the day

This paradox, of invalidating a match even while it exists, isn’t exclusive to the trans community. Indeed, it’s in every human relationship. You think humans relationships are random happenings? No! There’s no coming together that isn’t divinely intended, meaning, every coming together represents a perfect match of energies, vibrations, harmonics, whatever you want to call it.

All those words may sound like woo woo to you. But Transamorous Network and Positively Focused clients are well versed in the overwhelming evidence supporting the accuracy of those words. We all draw to ourselves those who are perfect matches to us at any given moment.

That perfectly explains why a trans woman who hates attention from trans-attracted men meet so many. Especially early-stage trans-attracted “chaser” men. Examine your beliefs. If you are meeting such men, it’s not by accident. If you want to meet “better” men, you must change how you think about men, relationships, love and, most importantly, yourself.

I know many trans women think they have healthy thoughts about themselves. But that can’t be if they’re not meeting men who they believe are healthy and wholesome. That’s because every pairing up is a perfect match!

And face it: if you end up in a relationship with a man, and that man knows you’re transgender, then that guy is trans-attracted. It doesn’t matter if he’s never dated a trans woman before. If you’re trans and he accepts that you are, he’s trans-attracted.

So why resist trans-attracted men?

The perfect match

It’s not hard finding our perfect matches. They’re all around us. And every match we enter into is a perfect match. The divine, unique and special relationship between transgender and trans attraction is, that relationship offers satisfaction at levels that can knock the socks off of everyone in that relationship.

But getting into that requires some work. Especially for trans women and trans-attracted men. That’s because both parties have many beliefs keeping them at odds with what they want.

And isn’t that ironic? The very thing they want, the Universe is bringing in abundance. But both parties hold it off through their persistent beliefs that such a match is impossible.

Trans-attracted men think they’ll never find the woman who will let them love her the way he want’s to. Trans women think the love they want exists everywhere, anywhere other than in the arms of a trans-attracted guy.

No worries. People can live their whole lives and never get what they want. Compromise is overabundant in humanity. And yet, some are finding the love they want. I know several relationships that have moved on to marriage. Some are new. Others have been going on for years. That’s because they’re perfect matches reflecting the unique and special relationship between a trans-attracted man and a trans woman.

While many trans women rail against the very men who can give them the love and happiness they seek, others are finding that love and happiness in the arms of their trans-attracted partners and husbands.

Are you such a woman? I hope you are. If not, you can be.

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How A Happy Transamorous Man Found Love Easily

Photo by Travis Grossen on Unsplash

TLDR: The author shares how a client dramatically changed as a result of the practice they advocate. Doing so, the client found satisfying relationship success with a transgender woman, thereby supporting the author’s assertion that everyone creates their reality. Including their relationship reality.

Some transgender women struggle finding a male partner. So much so they become bitter about men. Trans-attracted men struggle too. They often become bitter as well in their search for a transgender partner. Then they wallow in that, fuming silently and alone.

But not all such men struggle. Not all transgender women struggle either. Some in both parties find one another. That’s what happened with a transamorous client over the last three weeks. It was a longer story than that; one in which he came to accept himself and his desires. Doing so, he found happiness in his heart.

When that happened his external reality had to reflect that inner state. Which is exactly what we promise here at The Transamorous Network. Today he’s finding himself in a relationship with a transgender woman perfectly matching what he’s putting out: happiness, clarity and adventure.

That’s what this story today is about. It’s about his trajectory; the trajectory that had him finding a perfect match in a trans woman of his dreams. Let’s dive in!

The tyranny of Christian dogma

This guy, who I’ll call David suffered mightily because of his trans-attraction. That’s because he was also devoutly Christian. David knew as a child that something was different with him sexual orientation-wise. Christianity, however, turned that “something was different” into “you’re going to hell”. So David struggled with that awareness for many decades. Mostly because he bought into the strong momentum of belief propping up Christianity.

What’s ironic is, David inherently knew something was wrong. Not wrong about him, though. He knew something was wrong with Christian dogma. But his fear of going to hell was so strong, so real for him, he couldn’t check in with his Broader Perspective knowing that Christianity is full of distortions. Distortions that literally kill people.

So, this confounding confusion between his knowing and his fear had him bury deeper and deeper his authentic self. That’s why he ended up marrying a cisgender woman. That’s why that marriage fell apart. It’s also why, for many years, David was profoundly unhappy. Unhappy with himself. Unhappy with his job and unhappy with relationships, or, rather, the lack of them.

All this time, his authentic self eked out. He cross-dressed in private. He enjoyed “toy parties” wherein he engaged in highly-pleasurable solo ass-play. Right on the heels of that wholesome enjoyment, however, always rose the ugly heads of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame born from bogus Christian beliefs.

The Universe gives us what we’re ready for

When David came to The Transamorous Network for relief four years ago, he was profoundly troubled. So much of his life was unsatisfying. But he knew by then he couldn’t deny his trans-attraction. So he “leaned in” to it through the practice we offer.

It took four full years before David was willing to fully let go of what held him back: adherence Christian dogma. It can be hard letting go of that. Especially when, like David, you’re surrounded by people who amplify those beliefs. But last year, a dam broke in David’s consciousness. Through that break came the flood of his authenticity.

It seems like it happened over night. In two or three weeks, he went from being hesitant, to being fully committed to his authentic self. In this time he “came out” to his mom, to close friends and coworkers. He shared photos on his dating profile of him wearing women’s clothes. And he accompanied those photos with a self description acknowledging who he really is. What’s more, it also included what he really wanted, in all its glory.

“Since the universe will give me everything I want,” David said in one session. “I might as well put it out there.”

I whole heartedly agreed.

The Universe constantly gives us what we’re ready for. Not what we want. If we’re not ready for what we want, if we’re resisting it, or are afraid of it, the Universe will give us “manifestations” reflecting that resistance and fear back to us. That’s what’s happening when trans women keep meeting chasers, or violence. It’s hard to accept, but everyone creates their reality and everything in it. No exceptions.

David was realizing this. That’s why, in letting go, he found freedom and fun.

Prefect reflections

Almost immediately after embracing his authenticity — remember, this took a long time, a duration that culminated in a peak release spanning two or three weeks — David connected with three really choice trans women. They all were perfect matches, of course. The people you meet always are. So it didn’t surprise David that two of them showed him beliefs he needed to adjust. Still, those two women were pretty choice women. But the third…OMG!

The third, who I’ll call Shonda, met many of David’s criteria. She also had things about her he didn’t necessarily enjoy. For example, she’s in the middle of a significant career change since COVID disrupted what she was doing before. As such, she’s emanating energy that she’d like a partner who can provide a financial foundation for her. David has that kind of financial stability.

But he also has struggled with people asking him for money…and he giving it to them…particularly, his family members, all of whom aren’t as financially secure as he is and rely on him to bail them out when they get into financial trouble. David helps them willingly. He feels he should. They’re family after all.

But he also hates that they come to him as their first option and that they come so frequently. He says they act entitled to his money. And they don’t seem willing to do anything to change circumstances keeping them coming with their hands out.

Many relationships aren’t meant to last

Everyone we meet is a perfect match to what we’re putting out. This can be fun and adventurous to know. But when we don’t know this, meeting people, especially potential partners, can be very frustrating.

Shonda and her financial/career situation reflected back to David the exact beliefs he has about money. In that reflection, she offers him a chance to clean up those beliefs, and in so doing, if he wants, meet someone better financially situated.

This shows why every encounter with another is a stepping stone to something better. People we meet aren’t necessarily The One. They are the one we’re supposed to meet at that time. Not because they’re The One, but because they show us something we want to know about ourselves.

This is why I don’t encourage people immediately jump into relationships with the first person they attract, or even the second, third, fourth or fifth. It’s much better to use those encounters for fine tuning. Don’t do that and in a short time you’ll see why such people make lousy lovers: they weren’t meant to be your lover.

No wonder so many relationships don’t last. They’re not meant to.

The great thing with David is, he’s clear about all this now.

Missing out on a lot of fun

Because he’s clear, he sees a lot of ways Shonda serves him by reflecting back to him beliefs working against his relationship happiness. I won’t go into all of them, but suffice it to say, David is getting it.

Which is why instead of feeling “head over heels” for his relationship success, the word he kept using was “sober”. He’s “sober” about what he’s attracted. He’s aware what’s happening in this relationship and isn’t allowing superficial things – such as how pretty Shonda is – to cloud his clarity.

Clarity is such a good thing.

If more people can find what David has, relationship journeys could be far more fun than they are. But nearly everyone is so fixated on getting that partner they want, they’re suffering the whole way. Then they’re settling for something they don’t want. Or they compromise and get love, while being wistful for what they gave up…because they didn’t believe it was possible.

One of my mentors puts it plain:

When we’re not having fun, we miss out on a lot. When we think we can’t have what we want, we miss out on that too. David found a different approach. And because of that, he’s enjoying a different experience.

It’s hard to find a better frequency

There’s so much fun out in the world. Many people have been trained though to focus only on what’s “going wrong”. That’s no fun. And, that focus will only attract more of that into one’s life experience.

The opposite is true too. If a person focuses only on good things happening, that focus will attract more of that into life experience. Before long, nothing but good is happening. How can you not find happiness with a life like that?

That’s what I’ve found; so much good stuff happening and my life filled with happiness. My clients are finding it too. These days, more cisgender people are becoming clients. The vast majority of my clients are now cisgender.

I think that’s because the trans community generally wallows so strongly in negative beliefs they can’t find the frequency of what I offer. That’s ok. We’re all eternal. Living one life in chronic negative focus is insignificant compared to eternal existence that has a basis in joy.

But if you’re wanting something different than the struggles trans-attracted men and trans women so often experience, I suggest you contact me, before all my available slots fill up.

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When Life Results Show Me How Fun It Is Being Transamorous

Photo by Bekky Bekks on Unsplash

TLDR: The Universe and life possess a humor reflected in the joy of alignment with All That Is. Unfortunately, people, including trans and trans-attracted individuals, often miss this fun through pessimism, especially in relationships. The author helps clients rediscover delight in love by piercing persistent negative habits, prompting an abundance of joy. The serendipitous arrival of a uniquely-named client exemplifies the delightful alignment the author promotes. Life, the author suggests, should be easy and fun, a truth we shape with our beliefs and stories.

The Universe enjoys a sense of humor. It’s one reason why mirth feels so good. In mirth, we’re aligned with All That Is.

Life is a component of All That Is. Life too, enjoys a sense of humor. Just look at all those Instagram videos featuring animals in their natural habitat being playful. Life likes fun.

The same holds for humans. That is, unless humans block their connection to all of life’s fun. They do that by adopting pessimistic attitudes on a variety of subjects.

Trans people and trans-attracted people do this a lot. The subjects they tend to do it on the most are each other: trans women bash the men who naturally find them attractive. Trans-attracted men bash the women they want most to be with.

The result is, the fun of dating becomes a chore. It becomes torture. Each side becomes bitter. And their dream of love eludes them. I help such people rediscover the fun in love and in life. It’s not easy piercing their persistent pessimistic habits. But eventually they give way.

Then the clients find what I have found. They find what they’ve been missing. Then they get what they want. That’s fun watching.

More clients equals more abundance

But life offers even more fun than that. And when we tap in to that, our lives become more fun too. I am enjoying a lot of fun in my life. I write about them in this blog often. They include seemingly “random” or “coincidental” rendezvous with trans women. But hose incidences aren’t random. Nor are they coincidental. They happen because I don’t resist my transamory. So the Universe matches me with these lovely moments that surprise and delight me.

So when life served me once again with yet another wonderful, humorous manifestation, I felt the humor, the surprise and the delight in that too. The “coincidence” of what happened was so perfect, I couldn’t help but enjoy the unfolding.

What happened wasn’t about meeting another trans woman. It was about how I manifested yet another client on the Positively Focused side of my client practice. In fact, more and more clients are showing up. That’s consistent with what I’ve written about over and over: the Universe showers us with abundance. Abundance of all kinds. All we need to do is line up with that. Then, it’s ours.

The best abundance though is that aligned with what we’re wanting to see. When that happens, we feel delight. Then we get even more of what we’re wanting. And that “more” comes in greater abundance. Which explains why more clients are showing up.

Now let’s take a look at that lovely “coincidence”.

A playful “coincidence”

One weekend recently, while working on a blog post, a funny thing happened. I was writing a paragraph explaining the story of Pollyanna. That’s when I got an email notification. My calendaring app notified me a new client scheduled a free Positively Focused 1:1.

I clicked over to the email and, what do you know! The new client’s name was…wait for it…Pollyanna!

What’s interesting about this person is how much of a natural she is to the practice. Like everyone, life caused her to conclude in ways unhelpful for living a Charmed Life. But the fact that she’s found her way to this practice was no coincidence. She’s taking to it quite quickly, which is something I like seeing in clients.

This client’s rapid resonance with the practice foretells promise. A promise that results people like this client will produce will create ripples of goodness through their lives and the world at large.

It’s no surprise then that one client’s “ripples” include her daughter, and now her son, both becoming clients. Another client’s best friend recently became a client. So did her husband! This practice must really work!

Finding something different

The fact that Pollyanna came to me perfectly timed as I wrote that paragraph doesn’t escape me. Seriously, how many “Pollyannas” are out there? I see this as a spectacular indication of my own alignment. That and all the other wonderful things happening in my life. Including the lovely incidents of meeting trans women.

I love it when life reveals to me things proving how fun and easy life is. Life can be this way for everyone, including trans and trans-attracted people. In fact, it IS this way for everyone. If we’re not experiencing that, it’s only because we’ve overlaid bogus beliefs on what’s really happening.

It’s not that those bogus beliefs aren’t “true”. All beliefs, believed long enough will produce realities consistent with them, thus proving “true”. But the question is: is that truth something you want? I say, create better “truths”. How? By telling better stories that eventually become better beliefs.

Our Charmed Life is continually unfolding. I love seeing my clients discovering this, then aligning their life experience to that. Maybe you’re ready to do the same?

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The Best Trans Girlfriend: Played By Nava Mau

TLDR: The author reviews the Netflix Limited Series Baby Reindeer with a focus on the transgender character Teri. They argue Teri represents the ideal trans partner in many ways. Then they encourage trans-attracted men to become matches to their ideal trans partners rather than trying to make a relationship happen as a way of getting all they want in love.

I’m very near the end of gushing about Netflix’s Baby Reindeer. Just two more things need mentioning about this wonderful show. It’s wonderful because, as mentioned in the last post, Baby Reindeer reveals underlying causes keeping nearly all trans-attracted men in the shadows.

Primary among those causes is self loathing. Self loathing is as common among transgender women as it is among trans-attracted men. Which is one dimension across which both groups represent perfect matches.

But that’s another story; one I’ve shared many times. In this story, I want to focus on Teri, the transgender character played by Nava Mau. I’m going to crush a little on the actress too. So bear with me.

Alright, here we go.

Trans women and the power they possess

Speaking of crushing, this blog asserts over and over that trans women possess a unique power. Especially when they embrace all that they are. I’ve seen trans-attracted men literally transformed for the better because of that power. This power also partly explains why trans-attracted men who enjoy the pleasure of actually dating a trans woman finds himself so smitten to the core.

Teri, whom Donny, Baby Reindeer’s main character, meets on a dating website, is exactly the kind of trans woman I’m writing about. She’s self assured, measured and clear-headed. It helps, of course that she’s a therapist. Which also tells us she’s got some baggage herself. Therapists become therapists for a reason. And really good therapists are really good for that same reason.

Anyway, Teri’s at first open minded. She’s eager to get to know Donny, even though he’s presenting a totally bogus version of himself. That’s because he’s deeply shameful of his attraction. Which is interesting because Nava Mau is gorgeous in the extreme. And, to me, totally passable.

That doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. For a trans-attracted man dealing with his shame, however, it would seem Teri is a great match because she looks convincingly like a cis woman. Still, Donny tries Teri’s patience. She sees right through his lies, but goes along anyway. I presume she’s hoping to meet the real Donny eventually.

Nava Mau (Instagram)

Trans women: helping the men helps you

Which brings me back to the power of trans women. Listen ladies, if you want to be with a man, many such men exist who will love you out loud exactly as you are. But many more need some training. If you’re willing to, helping a guy get through his shame can create a lasting, deep love.

It also, however, can lead to disastrous outcomes. Which is why I advocate a particular approach to relationships. One that first starts with the relationship with yourself. Get that stable and it’s really easy to create any kind of relationship you want. Including with a guy. But if your relationship with yourself is wobbly, you can’t access that power, that focus that literally can turn a man into a prime relationship candidate.

There’s no reason a trans woman who wants to be with a man can’t be with one. But disempowering beliefs will put the kibosh on that goal every time. Those who tell positive stories – about themselves, about their man and their relationship – can literally create the ideal relationship from one that seems deeply flawed.

After all, we all meet our matches in the moment we meet them. That means every relationship we get into is a match. We might not like what that relationship contains, but isn’t it true that in every failed relationship we are the common denominator? That means we and we alone can change the relationship, because we are the focus of it.

And if that’s available to us, why keep running through guys? Why not instead choose a guy and walk with him through his struggles? Maybe he’ll do the same for you.

Bring on an ass kicking

This is what Teri tries to do. And for a while it works. But then Donny does something so freaking disgusting, even I was shocked when it happened. I won’t ruin the show with a spoiler. I’ll just say for Teri, it was the final straw. Later in the series we see her again, dating another guy.

Nava Mau surprised me as an actress. I was confused when she first appeared because my radar pinged her as trans, but she passed so completely. Her acting, however, really won me over. It was so passionate, so spirited. So raw. I wonder if she drew on her own experiences dating men. Looking at her Instagram profile, she may be into women. If that’s the case, she’s an even better actress.

I particularly enjoyed that the show portrayed her as a professional, with her own home and her own life. What also surprised me though was when she and Donny’s stalker squared off in one espisode, I expected Teri to beat the living daylights out of that girl.

That wouldn’t have been consistent with the plot though. So I can see why her character didn’t give that crazy stalker an ass kicking. Still, many of the trans women I’ve met not only are smart and capable, they’re more than willing to bring an ass kicking to the table if necessary. Which is another thing I admire about certain trans women: they’re tough. They have to be given what many go through.

It’s just too bad so many let what they go through also shape their expectations, especially in the dating realm. Which is why I started this blog.

Meeting our match isn’t coincidence

Now let’s be clear. Plenty of trans women like Teri exist in the world. Read that again men. If you’re not meeting them, it’s because you’re not a match to them. They have things going on. While you may find them on online dating sites, I don’t think they’re at bars. So finding them means letting go of preconceived notions about how to date. It also means letting go of the idea that you know where to find her.

Meeting such women usually means such connections happening by “chance”. People like that term “chance”. “Coincidence” is another word they love. From The Transamorous Network’s perspective, however, chance and coincidence aren’t real. What’s really happening when a trans woman suddenly appears on our path is in that moment we’ve allowed our desire for relationship dominate expectations that such a relationship isn’t possible.

In other words, the Universe is showing us that what we think is impossible is, in fact, possible. Which explains why usually, when such meetings happen, the girl is with someone already. It’s not that she’s meant for us, she’s meant to show us what’s available; when we let go of stories keeping what’s available on the horizon.

I say if you want a transgender partner, the best approach is letting it happen naturally, not trying to make it happen. Trying to make it happen brings us matches matching ALL we are – warts and all. Better to let it happen in divine timing, a timing that also allows us to become better matches.

So that when our match does show up, the match has more of what we want than what we don’t.