Trans Amory Starts With Self

Photo by Ed Robertson on Unsplash

If you think you’re alone in your trans attraction, think again. There are all kinds of men out there, feeling exactly the same as you. Struggling with, feeling shame or embarrassment about your trans attraction? Many men feel similarly.

And, many trans-attracted men don’t feel like you. Such men embrace their trans attraction and enjoy fulfilling, happy, out-loud lives with trans girlfriends, partners, even spouses. Or they live alone happy in their singledom.

The same goes for trans women. There are trans women of every kind, of every political persuasion. There are trans women who think you (and me) are the worst kind of man. These trans women think we fetishize them. Some of us do, along our journey towards transamory. But not all of us.

That’s why I know every trans attracted man, or trans woman, has many, many potential matches. The question remains: What stories do we tell? Stories we tell bring us people matching those stories.

For example, some trans women who rage against men like us think all trans women feel like they do. They’ll share their knee-jerk reactions with their friends and get solace from them, not knowing that friends typically share similar stories. That’s what brings friends together. That solace doesn’t last though because when they share their disempowering stories and get agreement from friends, they unwittingly perpetuate what they complain about.

Meanwhile, there are trans women who are in their power. They’re happily living lives with loving trans attracted and transamorous men, or women or whatever. When trans attracted men get their stories right, they find more happy trans women and fewer bitter ones. That’s what we help men (and trans women) with at The Transamorous Network.

Stories shape relationship

One client I’m working with finds consistency in trans women he meets. He meets trans women who reflect back to him his own disempowering stories. Chase’s stories trigger feelings of unworthiness, insecurity and a lack of self love. He knows what he wants in a partner, but doesn’t believe he deserves it.

Chase’s mother raised him while struggling with substance abuse and sex industry work. Chase experienced a lot in his childhood home. Conclusions he made about life back then shape his relationships today. Chase confuses his self worth with money, just as his mother likely did about her self worth relative to her Johns. As a result, love and money get confused in Chase’s relationships.

It’s no surprise then that Chase attracts insecure trans women who seek their self-worth in lots of sex and flirting, including flirtatious relationships with other men, which trigger Chase’s stories causing him to feel insecurity and jealousy. They also equate love with receiving money. It’s also no surprise then that Chase fulfill such stories, giving these girls up to $500 a week. He says he loves them. But what’s really happening is, he seeks love in them that he can’t find in himself.

Craving that external validation costs him up to $2000 a month! He could get lasting and far more rewarding real love from himself for free. And use his money to rent a place to live.

Slowly breaking free

Chase is changing these days through the work The Transamorous Network offers. As his self awareness increases, he sees his relationships change in subtle ways. Sometimes, though, it takes him a while to get the message.

For example, recently a trans woman he’s seeing beat him up pretty bad when she perceived (accurately) that Chase had sex with someone else. This woman, like Chase, has stories stemming from her own upbringing which trigger her insecurity, unworthiness and pain and match her with someone like Chase. Violence between them comes from both parties ignoring earlier warning signs. Chase and I talked about these signs months ago. But Chase’s stories kept him wanting this relationship even though he knew what lay ahead.

After the second violent exchange, this time involving police, Chase sent me a series of texts:

Text one

Relationships always reflect stories we tell. I strive in my life to get those messages early, change the stories and thus enjoy better relationships and avoid drama. I encourage my clients to do the same.

Sometimes, though, it takes some drama to get the lesson. In Chase’s example, there were early signs his partner gets violent.  Ignoring early signs leads to stronger messages. After the last beat down, I thought maybe Chase had had enough:

Text two

But three days later he sent the following:


Text three

Sometimes it takes people a lot of drama (and perhaps some broken bones, black eyes and damaged property) before they learn the lesson. 🤷🏽‍♂️

The best relationship happens when a person discovers the love relationship between them and them. Relationships with others always reflect relationship with self. When I’m in love with me, I get relationships matching that.

So do my clients. Some clients get there faster than others. 😂

All relationships guide us to ourselves. When I nurture that love, love from others matches that. This is what I show my clients. It starts with getting over stories conjuring shame and embarrassment for who they are. The process never ends because self love has no upper limit. It gets stronger and stronger, more fulfilling.

As it does, romantic relationships follow. The best cis-trans relationships start with the self. From there, any relationship is possible.

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