Editor’s note: In this series, we share emails we get at The Transamorous Network. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.
Dear Transamorous Network,
We’ve messaged a few times via email and had a couple stories published to The Transamorous Network website. My confidence has been doing great, I’ve really learned to love my body and accept the men that love my body too. It has done wonders for my day to day life and self image, I feel so at home and happy in my body.
Recently I was in my best friends wedding, and I discovered the groom outed me to his groomsmen prior to the wedding so that they wouldn’t make any passes on me. I didn’t find this out until after, but it makes a lot of sense now that I look back at it.
[The groomsmen] were very stand offish and distant towards me, would hardly make eye contact when trying to talk to them, but there were moments I would catch them definitely checking me out, in which they would look away as soon as I’d notice.
I’m 25, pass as cis and get told I’m pretty. All of my friends around me are off getting married, moving in with their significant others, having families etc. I want marriage and babies more than anything, and I try so hard to remain positive and optimistic.
But I feel like I’m still stuck in this place where I’m forbidden fruit, as seen by what happened in recent events. Online dating is horrible by I still try, but when it comes to real life situations I’m almost always overlooked because other men will out me to their friends and won’t let them decide for themselves whether they’re into me or not.
It sets the standard of “oh I can look but I can’t touch (because heaven forbid people think I’m gay)” It’s like I automatically come with a warning label.
I wish this attitude towards trans women wasn’t perpetuated, it makes me feel like I’m never going to have the life that I want because things like this keep happening which leave me feeling discouraged. I know everyone’s timeline is different, but I don’t want to be starting a family at 40 or older.
I’m trying to remain positive and not feel defeated, this is just a small bump in the road and I will move on from it. How should I go about situations like this in the future?
Nice to hear from you. Glad to hear your confidence is doing great. It’s easy having confidence when you see your life match positive stories you’re telling. There’s nothing contrary to the premise that your stories create your reality. Your life MUST match ANY story you tell. So why not tell positive ones?
All that said, you’ve got some problems with your stories! LOL.
The first two lines of your email are great. But most of the rest you wrote tells us you still have strong stories creating realities you don’t like. One of the last lines of your email is really important because thinking it, and writing it, makes it almost certain you WILL start a family at age 40!
You must change all these stories. When you do, you’ll find yourself experiencing none of what you wrote here, and more of what you want.
If you “feel” like you’re “forbidden fruit” then you get a reality matching that. If your online dating experience sucks, that should be telling you something…
You’ve already experienced the accuracy of what we share though The Transamorous Network. You’re feeling “confident”, you learned to “love your body” and you’re accepting men who love your body the way it is.
You’re seeing how that’s working “wonders” for your day to day self image and you feel “at home and happy in your body”. You also say you pass as cis and are told you’re pretty. You should accentuate these stories and stop talking (and thinking) about everything else in the email you wrote.
How to get everything you want: Ignore reality
When something like what happened at that wedding happens, you must IGNORE it. Putting your attention on it just brings you more of that.
Instead, make up other reasons about why those men were stand-off -ish. It doesn’t matter if you think it’s true or not, it matters that it changes your attitude about what happened.
You want to feel as positive about that experience as you do about how confident, passable and comfortable in your body you are. Then, if you hold to that feeling, you will see your dating situation match that feeling.
We would not use online dating to meet guys. It’s too easy to create negative stories about meeting your mate that way. Besides, it’s more fun this way.
Also…you’re still REALLY young. You have plenty of time. But thinking you don’t is problematic. You tighten up, get anxious, then try to “find” the guy you’re to be married with. The problem with that approach is, YOU CAN’T FIND HIM.
So stop trying. Let go. Have fun. Make up positive reasons for why men don’t approach you. Celebrate those reasons. Then watch what happens! You will have it all!