How To Beat Bad Results People Get Dating Online

Photo by felipepelaquim on Unsplash

Online dating seems like the way everyone meets their match these days. But the best, most fun way to meet your match if you’re transgender or trans-attracted happens not through online dating. It happens when you focus on being happy. When you do that, that guy or gal will drop into your lap with no effort on your part.

It’s surprising how few people actually use online dating. It’s not as many as you think. And, according to general opinion, results people get from online dating, on average, show online dating performs about as well as meeting people through other methods.

In this post, we’re going explain why we don’t encourage finding romantic partners through online dating. Then we’ll explain how being happy works better. In fact, its success rate is 100 percent. Then we’ll explain why being happy enjoys such a perfect success rate.

When it comes to online dating, we’re not just giving our opinion. We’re sharing opinions from over 4,000 online daters. Pew Research interviewed these people then wrote a report called “The Virtues and Downsides of Online Dating.” Numbers shared in this post come from Pew’s survey data report.

Let’s get right to it.

The good news

It’s no surprise that online daters trend younger. What did surprise us is Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) online dating usage exceeds other groups. LGB community members use online dating at much higher rates than any other population.

It’s fair to say then, that higher percentages of people dating online also are LGB. It’s also safe to say LGB folks (and we’ll include “T” folks too as well as Trans-attracted people) experience less desirable online dating results more often. That’s because more LGB people use online dating.

Full disclosure: at least one of our Transamorous Network clients finds online dating helpful. But two others traded online dating for the approach we recommend at the end of this post, and for good reasons.

Online dating gets hyped, which is why so many people use it to try to find a partner. (Photo by Pratik Gupta on Unsplash)

Over the years, more people, generally, turned to online dating. Increases in online dating probably reflect increased communication about online dating and the availability of it. An online dating platform exists for virtually any persuasion, interest, hobby or characteristic. That plus relatively inexpensive membership costs, make online dating quite alluring.

Add to that the fact that online dating is a for-profit business model with investors making money off your loneliness, you can bet investors will spend a lot of money getting you to subscribe. So seeing online dating opportunity everywhere should not surprise you.

Furthermore, people’s increasingly busy lives, their intense desire for finding a partner, especially young people, and perhaps people’s dissatisfaction finding partners in other ways, caused large jumps in online dating participation over the last decade or so.

Still, that doesn’t mean a lot of people date online. Pew says only 30 percent of Americans use online dating. Now, 30 percent of 300 million people is a lot. But relative to the whole, it’s not.

How do they fare?

Of that 30 percent, less than half (12 percent) reported they had a committed relationship or married someone they met online. That means 88 percent of people who use online dating don’t end up in committed relationships or marriage with someone they met online.

We mentioned above that a lot of Lesbian, Gay and Bisexual (LGB) people use online dating. Over half (55 percent) of LGB people try finding mates this way, with a large number of 18-29 year olds (48 percent) doing so as well. According to Pew, both groups report higher success finding partners. Twenty percent of both young people and LGB people say they married or had committed relationships with someone they met online.

But that still leaves 80 percent of both groups who did not.

So how successful online dating can be depends on many factors. But no matter the factors, we’d say an 80 percent failure rate is not a successful dating method.

Combined with problems online dating comes with, which we’ll share momentarily, one would think no one would go for the hype. Could it be online dating success gets way overblown? Or do other reasons compel people to online dating sites?

People use online dating for different reasons, many of which seem quite reasonable. (Photo by Victoria Heath on Unsplash)

People report reasonable causes for using online dating.

Many report online dating offers a wider pool of potential partners. Some say they can screen people ahead of time, thereby eliminating obvious not-matches. Others say it’s just easier. Many appreciate online dating’s perceived low costs. Online dating, others say, also offers like-minded people opportunities to meet.

The Pew report adds: “Relatively small shares [of people] argue that online dating has had a mostly positive effect because it is a more efficient way of meeting people, is a better alternative to more traditional ways of meeting, helps people who have trouble meeting others or is a safer way of meeting people.”

So online dating does seem to offer good usage cases. But let’s look at some downsides people report.

Online dating isn’t fun

Pew says “There is a stronger consensus among respondents who believe dating sites and apps have had a mostly negative effect.”

Various forms of dishonesty – ranging from people embellishing the truth to outright scams exist on these sites. Some respondents say online dating makes courtship more like an assembly line process. It takes romance and spontaneity out of dating and eliminates more meaningful and deeper connections. Minorities often report finding online dating more difficult than non-minorities.

Participants often say people don’t act like themselves online. No one is actually getting to really know each other, they say, and communication is flawed from the beginning. They also say “swipe mentality” and a constant influx of new “inventory” causes more superficial reactions to profiles rather than meaningful connection between people.

Online dating apps frequently leave people feeling frustrated and hopeless. Yet, people still use them. Go figure. (Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash)

Reports show people often swing way out of their league too. They go after people far more attractive, successful or otherwise beyond their “class” so to speak. This often leads to frustration and disappointment.

It’s no wonder then that wide margins of users report negative online dating experiences. Nearly half (45 percent) said online dating leaves them more frustrated than hopeful. Sixty percent of female users report receiving harassing behavior. Some even say online dating fosters superficial hook-up behavior over deeper, longer-lasting relationships. A few even say online dating isn’t safe.

So generally, while online dating success happens for a few, far more users experience many downsides, including failure and frustration dating online.

It’s just not fun wading through profiles day-in and day-out. Doing so leads to isolation, despondency and even anxiety for many. Success comes to very few.

Why it doesn’t work

Online dating fails an 80 percent of the time.

Would you drive a car that breaks down and can’t get you to work 80 percent of the time? Certainly you wouldn’t work someplace where 80 percent of the time you wouldn’t get paid, would you? Would you buy a plane ticket from an airline whose planes crashed 80 percent of the time? Would you date someone who lied to you 80 percent of the time?

Of course you would do none of these things. Yet so many people hope to find a match through a process that fails 80 of the time. Isn’t that interesting? A more interesting question: why does it fail so often?

The short answer: because online dating can’t overcome stories people tell themselves. Your stories create your reality. What that means: if you think, for example, that you can’t find a man who will love you for who you are, no online dating platform can bring you a man who will love you for who you are. Instead, you’ll get results like this person, every time:

A trans woman vigorously defending her limiting beliefs.

Let’s say you believe transgender women are attractive, sexy and someone you want to be with. But you also believe you might be gay because of your attraction. Or that your friends will humiliate you should they find our. Or you believe your religion says your attraction means you’ll go to hell. A dating site will will only match you with transgender women whose beliefs match yours. Meaning, you will meet transgender women who themselves harbor insecurities, fears, self loathing, unworthiness, and they will act from those feelings.

You see, it doesn’t matter what external tool you try using. That’s because your thoughts – about you, about your partner, about life in general – dominate. They create your experience.

Dating failure starts in the head

Think about it. Here I am in front of my computer. I worked all day at a job I don’t like. I come home, I’m tired. Because I’m tired, I don’t think about what or how I’m thinking. So my thoughts wander. I think about my empty apartment, how quiet it is. I decide I don’t like that. Then I remember that story my friend told me about how she met someone who turned out to be an asshole. I don’t like that either.

Men are scum, I say out loud. It’s my common refrain.

Then I think about how lonely I feel. At 35, time’s running out for me. My last relationship was three years ago. It ended ugly. So now, in this gaggle of disempowering thoughts/stories, I open or OKCupid and…

What do you think I’m a match to? A successful guy, a great communicator, someone who loves life, has a great job, a car, is happy, likes to have fun and is great in bed?


Why on earth would I expect a dating app to match me with that kind of person?


Finding lasting love can and does happen. In every case it happens by becoming a match to it. Are you really a match to the person you’re looking for? Most aren’t, which is why they fail. (Photo by Alex Iby on Unsplash)

And even if it did, should I try communicating with that person, my insecurity, loneliness and desperation would speak more loudly than any words on a computer screen! Or, that person will just pass up both my message and profile. He literally won’t see it because his stories draw to him matches to the confidence, happiness, fun and love he feels.

All anything in physical reality can do is respond to what you put out through your stories. Which means, if you want to meet your ideal match, you must become a match to that person.

How do you do that?

By changing how you think about life. By changing how you think about everything.

“Everything?” You say?


Again, think about it

Think about that successful guy, a great communicator, someone who loves life, has a great job, a car, is happy, likes to have fun and is great in bed. It’s highly unlikely that guy is on an online dating app.

Do you get that?

He’s out having fun. He’s hanging with his homies. Working late because he loves his job, he doesn’t have time for dating apps. This guy’s confidence attracts whoever he wants. That success he enjoys does too.

Since he’s comfortable with who he is, confident in his life and happy, he doesn’t feel lonely. Nor does he feel he needs a relationship. A relationship might add to life, but HE DOESN’T NEED ONE.

That handsome, fun, successful guy isn’t using online dating. He’s out living large and loving life. (Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash)

You do though. And so you aren’t a match to this guy. Nor are you happy because you keep thinking about the relationship you don’t have, the one you badly want.

Same goes with a successful, happy, beautiful transgender woman, guys. If you pine for such a girl and open your computer to find one, she’s not going to be there because she doesn’t need it to find her match. Chances are, she’s not looking for a match anyway. Her life is full and she’s happy.

Transgender women and trans-attracted men must find a better approach. One that works 100 percent of the time. That approach starts with an internal examination.

The better approach

Yes, the better approach works 100 percent of the time. Here’s why. Read carefully, because this will trip you out.

There’s only one reason, the only, ultimate reason, people want a partner. People think it’s because they want children. Some think they want one for the company. Others say because they don’t want to be lonely. Some just want sex. Some believe it will make them “complete”.

But underneath all these superficial reasons (yes, they’re all superficial compared to the ultimate reason) lurks the one reason everyone wants a partner: because in having one, they feel better than they do without one.

That’s it? Yep. That’s it.

Being in love feels better than not. Being in a relationship, even in a not-so-good one, many will say, feels better than being alone. Having children, for some, feels great. Sex…well, you know.

The point is, relationship pursuit, at its core, happens because people everywhere look to relationships because they believe relationships make them happy.

The better approach, the one that works 100 percent of the time, is this: First, be happy. Cultivate a chronic, lasting happiness that’s unconditional. Do that and you don’t need a partner because…well…you’re already happy!

And here’s the sneaky part of the better approach, the thing you’re looking for: just like the ideal guy and the ideal trans woman described above, in being happy, you don’t need a relationship. And, paradoxically, when you don’t need one, the one you want shows up. Without you doing anything to get it.

It gives you everything you want

The thing is, everyone can easily beat bad results 80-90 percent of people get through online dating. We’re going to tell you how that approach works, but first we’re going to tell you why it’s the better approach.

Not only does it do all the work, not only does it work 100 percent of the time, it’s more fun. The better approach happens in your real life, not in a computer. Your life transforms before your eyes and as it does, you find life getting more and more interesting and enjoyable.

The approach that works 100 percent of the time starts with you. (Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash)

Frustration doesn’t exist either. In time, happiness becomes your standard state. Frustration, anxiety, fear and insecurity disappear. In their absence, life flows easily towards your ideals.

People can’t scam or use you. They can’t because they can’t find you. Just like the happy guy described above isn’t a match to you when you’re cranky and alone, scammers and users can’t scam and use you if you’re not a match to their plans, can they?

With the better approach, you only meet your matches. Your pool of available matches increases infinitely using this approach…but.

You only need one guy or girl. Think about it. Unless you’re poly, do you really need a huge-ass candidate pool? Of course not. You’re looking for that one partner. The great thing about the better approach is there are many “one partners” and they’re the only ones you meet when using this approach.

Also, you’re already happy using the better approach! Relationships then become nice-to-haves. Not must haves.

And, when you do meet your match(es), it happens in fun and surprising ways. The better approach brings back the spice, the romance, the excitement that once existed in dating. Who doesn’t like being surprised?

Meanwhile the rest of your life gets better too. Literally everything you want comes to you the more you use this approach. Can online dating make that claim?

How it works

It seems like the approach would be complicated. It’s not. We show our clients how to use it and they get all the results stated above. That one client we said who still uses online dating? She’s learning how to use our approach while dating online. And while to us, that’s suboptimal, she’s having fun meeting all kinds of people.

But we think she’ll drop online dating once she really understands how the approach works.

You will too.

The approach works simply. Every experience you find yourself in, happens because you draw it to you. You’re like a magnet. Experiences act like metal. Which experiences you experience depends on what “magnetic attraction” you put out.

The approach described here happens all day every day for everyone, no exceptions. Any one can easily confirm it happening in their lives. One need only know how to see the signs.

Once a person activates their “magnetism” the way that attracts what they want, those things just come. If your “magnetism” is off, that what you get. Off stuff.

Your can’t control what comes after things start coming. The only control a person has is what kind of “magnetism” they put out. How does a person control what “magnetism” they put out?

Through thoughts they think.

We lied, it’s not simple

While it’s fun knowing specific details how thoughts determine that “magnetism”, you don’t need to know those details to leverage the approach. And it will still work 100 percent of the time.

All you need to do is examine what you’re thinking about everything you think about and gradually change all those thoughts to positive ones. Again, this process works 100 percent of the time. The cool thing is, the results show up at once. Waiting around isn’t necessary. You don’t need to wade through any profiles or even go on dates!

Feeling better is what everyone wants. It’s the reason everyone wants what they want. Including relationships. Get happy and watch how what you want comes easily.

In no time you’ll find yourself happy. “Happy” means you’re putting out the right “magnetism”. The key then is holding yourself in “happy” long enough to create a momentum or chronic happy state.

On the way to cultivating that state everything we wrote about in the “it gives you everything you want” section above happens.

Now think about that: standing in all that goodness coming your way and seeing it happen, aren’t you happy? You are. And in that happiness, do you really need a relationship? Not really. You may still want one and that’s fine.

100 percent success rate

The great news is, you’ve freed yourself from desperation, frustration, anxiety and every other feeling borne of negative thoughts. Thoughts that block you getting what you want.

In that freedom the relationship you want will come. One hundred percent guaranteed.

At The Transamorous Network we show people how this approach works. Those working with us get everything they want. But it doesn’t stop there. They discover how much fun life is, then they keep working with us because it’s super fun being around happy people who themselves enjoy life so much.

Online dating looks and feels convenient and easy. But with an 80 percent failure rate, we think that ease and convenience is not worth the cost. The best, most fun way to meet your match, if you’re transgender or trans-attracted, happens not through online dating.

It happens when you focus on being happy. When you do that, that guy or gal will drop into your lap with no effort on your part. Want to ask a question or give it a try? We’d love to hear from you.

Don’t be part of the 80 – 90 percent of people failing online. Find your happiness. Then, discover how easy it is being happy, and finding your true love.

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