How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

Holding hands

I’m divorced now.

My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.

I can give more detail. But that won’t help.

What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.

But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.

Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳

That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.

When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.

Are you ready?

Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.

Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.

When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.

Crappy_Marriage

You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.

Those stories and your desire will not be denied.

You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.

That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.

Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.

That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.

When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.

Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.

You can’t hide

The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.

Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.

They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.

I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.

Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.

Your heart’s desire: She’s out there

Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.

  • Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
  • My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
  • My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
  • You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.

Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.

But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.

Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.

What you want is right.

What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.

Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.

Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.

9 thoughts on “How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

  1. I’m married to someone who is attracted to transgender. He is a cross dresser and hid it from me. I’m beside myself with grief and my self esteem has really taken a hit. I asked for a divorce because I dont think it his desire for a man that presents as a women will go away but I’m compromising things to make him happy which is making me miserable.

    1. Hi Nikko,
      It is common for cross-dressing men and men who are attracted to trans women to keep it secret from their spouse. It’s also common to keep it secret from themselves. The reason it’s common is because, generally, society condemns such desire. But this desire is natural. It’s the condemnation that is unnatural.

      So what happens is men who have this natural desire condemn themselves then feel shame and self-hatred of this part of them. It is likely your husband was this way before you two married.

      Of course you feel miserable. You’re wanting something, not getting it, and your attention on the fact that you’re not getting what you want makes you miserable because you know you are supposed to get what you want.

      So go get what you want! Do you know what you want?

      Remember, it takes two to tango. A part of you knew your husband was this way. Nothing has gone wrong here. Your getting clarity about an important part of your life.

      Be kind to everyone involved, especially yourself. Go your own way and find your happiness while freeing your husband to find his.

      Both of you are supposed to be happy.

  2. My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans. How fucking sad this statement is. Do you have any idea how much this destroys the woman who tries to measure up? To the man dressed as a woman and her husband who cannot admit his sexuality. Forgive me but I resent these men who want to call themselves women. Maybe my resentment is displaced for my husband whose attraction to these men dressed as women has utterly destroyed my self-esteem. i’m not sure where to place my anger – for these men who are GAY and dress/transform into women so they can be with men OR for these men who are GAY who enjoy being with men who dress/transform as women but are confused by their sexuality and attempt to live a “straight” life. My husband and his denial have utterly ruined my self-esteem as a woman and wasted a good amount of my life to be in a genuine relationship. I am angry, hurt and frankly bitter towards the porn industry that introduced him to these men. My life is destroyed and my heart is broken.

    1. Hi Mia,
      I understand your resentment, your anger and frustration. I also understand your unacceptance of the people for whom your “wasband” is attracted to.

      How did you come to this website? What were you searching for? If you’ve looked around our content, you’ll notice something (although this may be extremely hard to hear from where you currently are): your self-esteem isn’t ruined, although I know to you it feels that way. And since you think that, it is true for you: your self-esteem is ruined.

      But it’s also not.

      Just because you believe it is ruined doesn’t mean that truth is objectively real, like separate from your thoughts. You can have a quite-intact self esteem AND, believe it or not, still love your husband, even though you two may no longer be together.

      I get though how that feels so out of reach right now.

      There’s another reality in which you both have gone on your individual way, and along those paths both of you are happy. No resentment, not bitterness. Everyone happy.

      Someday that will be your truth. But I get that right now, it’s not.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Forgive me but I think it is easy for you to respond in this way because you are living on the other side of the coin. While you talk about your wife in this article, do you really know how deeply this affected her? Is it easier to brush it away as incompatibility or just both parties are happy now. I really think this is a delusion to help men (like you and my husband) to feel ok about the choice you have made. After nearly 20 years of marriage, I am devastated. I truly believe that my entire marriage has been a sham and that i must not be pretty enough , feminine enough or good enough. Your response makes you feel better for the choices you have made. I believe my husband is a COWARD who destroyed my life and self-esteem in order to live a facade of a life he thought he should. So, I’m supposed to be ok because now he has found himself and can be in an authentic relationship. I think this is what you guys tell yourselves to make yourselves feel better for the TRUE women that you destroy. We are left in your aftermath to pick up the pieces and try to put our lives back together and find some sense of worth again. I found your site after searching up the issue in a desperate attempt to find understanding and comfort at the sham of my last 20 years.

        My only response to both you and my husband is I hope it was worth it. I hope denying your attraction at the expense of another human being and destroying that person so you could be with your transsexual was worth it. I hope it was worth it that i became suicidal. I hope it was worth it that are children now live in a broken home. I hope it was worth it that I now require anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications in order to function. God, I hope my peace of mind and life were worth it.

        1. You’re welcome Mia. Rather than replying at length here, I would like to offer this: let’s talk on the phone or via Skype or Zoom where we can see one another or at least hear one another. I know that were we to talk in real time, you might find enormous relief from these feelings you’re experiencing and the actual physically real experiences you’re having.

          It’s not an attempt to silence you here in the comments section. As you see, I’ve posted your comments verbatim, immediately and unedited. It’s more that, despite what you’re claiming here, I really do understand what’s happening with you and with my ex-wife and with your former husband. And, it could be helpful for you if we shared that knowledge together in real time.

          Might you be interested in that? If so, please write me via The Transamorous Network contact page and share your number. I’ll call you. Or after writing me I’ll give you my number if you prefer. This is a fee offer Mia. And I’m willing to talk with you as long as or as many times as needed.

        2. I agree 100 percent with you Mia it is so selfish to waste another persons life while you have underling desires and in most cases fulfill them whilst in a relationship with someone that Is constantly feeling something is a miss and blaming themselves constant battles and arrugements In your own head. .

          100 perfect it effects your confidence and self asteem and whilst theses men are trying to be women we are just trying to be enough

          I hope your okay and feel your pain

  3. transwomen are not women. I wish we would stop saying that. That is INAUTHENTIC! I’m not dogging the attraction to transgender MTF – I’m just calling a spade a spade. They are NOT women. Maybe calling them that makes them and the men attracted to them feel better. But, I’m sorry, as a natal woman, I can say unequivocally, they are not women. That being said, your article has helped me as my husband is transattracted and I have known for a long time that I can’t meet his needs. Thank you for validating that.

    1. You’re welcome Alana. Yes. My wife couldn’t meet my needs as well. That didn’t make her bad or wrong. That’s just what was. What I learned from my marriage was she was a wonderful clarifier of what I really wanted. So our marriage was good for me. Perhaps you can see from a standpoint of the love you feel for him, that benefit you offer your husband.

      It’s interesting. I participate in a discussion group of varied gender people. When talking with both trans “men” and trans “women”, they revealed that they find being among cis-women and cis-men, now that they have transitioned, as very challenging. They find cis-people (men and women) far more distinct from them than they originally thought. It’s challenging acknowledging the accuracy of what you’re saying though because many, many, MANY transgirls want so bad to find a place to “fit in” rather than finding satisfaction and joy in their own distinctness, being as something different from both man or woman. It’s not as homogenous as you would think though. For there are, indeed, some transgirls who acknowledge that they are not “women”.

      It’s all about the stories people are telling, Alana. Right?

      Until that unwillingness to accept themselves goes away, it’s going to be challenging doing away with this conversation. Part of our work at The Transamorous Network is having people authentically embrace who and what they are. For some, it’s a very long road. Glad we could help.

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