I’m divorced now.
My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.
I can give more detail. But that won’t help.
What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.
But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.
Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳
That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.
When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.
Are you ready?
Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.
Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.
When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.
You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.
Those stories and your desire will not be denied.
You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.
That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.
Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.
That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.
When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.
Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.
You can’t hide
The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.
Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.
They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.
I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.
Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.
Your heart’s desire: She’s out there
Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.
- Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
- My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
- My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
- You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.
Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.
But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.
Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.
What you want is right.
What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.
Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.
Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.