How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

Holding hands

I’m divorced now.

My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.

I can give more detail. But that won’t help.

What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.

But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.

Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳

That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.

When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.

Are you ready?

Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.

Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.

When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.

Crappy_Marriage

You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.

Those stories and your desire will not be denied.

You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.

That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.

Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.

That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.

When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.

Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.

You can’t hide

The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.

Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.

They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.

I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.

Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.

Your heart’s desire: She’s out there

Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.

  • Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
  • My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
  • My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
  • You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.

Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.

But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.

Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.

What you want is right.

What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.

Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.

Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.

20 thoughts on “How To Embrace Your Trans-attraction And Be Married

  1. I am a man, married for over 11 years and going strong. I have always loved transwomen since before I got married but I knew it has always been sexual. I knew I would have never honored a relationship with a transwoman but a cis woman so I got married to one. For 11 years, I managed to stay loyal atleast physically while satisfying myself with trans porn occasionally. I know I will definitely enjoy the sex with trans but not worth to hurt my wife and also involve another human being into the fold as a sex object. There were near misses when I met extremely gorgeous transwomen who were willing to go out with me knowing my marital status. The only regrets I have are
    1) the day I got myself introduced to the knowledge of sex with transwomen through porn. I curse that day for infecting me with a desire that will forever torment me. A poor choice I made as a young boy though I have always been a straight male.
    2) after the fact, I struggled with myself and had sex with transwomen as little as possible, with a lot of questions in my mind hindering me from pleasure. I should have done it with free mind till I get done with it as a single man and get to the life I have always wanted and respected….the one I have now.
    Throughout my adult life, it has become one big case of tense devotion towards my God on whom I depend on and to whom I cry every time my infatuation gets out of control. So far, he has stopped me from violating my marriage beyond repair and hidden pleasures. Hope I will get better.
    @Mia I feel you so much and I hope you are ok. Men like us are victims of our weaknesses, demonic temptations, poor choices, pornography and other vices. Please pray, be strong. On behalf of those like us, I apologize to you.
    All I can say to men like us is, please don’t committ to a relationship either with a cis woman or transwoman till you sort yourselves out. Call it lust, attraction or love, there are human beings we might end up hurting beyond repair.
    Peace

    1. There are a lot of stories in this reply. Dave, thanks for sharing. Some of my clients have a similar relationships to God through a religion that sees transamory as a sin, wrong or a violation of some sort. It’s none of these things. Someone being “straight” has nothing to do with what they come equipped with as far as who they find attractive. All attraction is good. Some offer more expansion and growth than others.

      Why do you consider your trans-attraction just sexual? Do you believe you couldn’t find a transwoman you could love as your wife, who loves you the way she does? I’m not suggesting you leave your wife. Rather I’m suggesting you consider your motivations and the stories behind them. As for Mia and her situation: no one gets into what they get into “by mistake” although it can be through being oblivious to what they know is going on. I have a couple clients trying to figure that out for themselves. In the end, everyone comes together with others on purpose. That purpose sometimes goes unknown, but on the other side everyone is always better off. No one is hurt “beyond repair”. So it’s all good. Thanks again for commenting.

  2. I too find myself married to a man who has had sexual encounters with trans women. He says it was out of curiosity and he has satisfied that curiosity but I find that hard to believe. Later, he admitted that he thinks he may still harbor that attraction. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I have so many questions. I don’t want to push him into a conversation about it because I need him to come to terms with it without me forcing him to. I love him very much, but I think that his attraction is not fleeting and he is only suppressing it. I haven’t made a decision on the future of our relationship since for me, there is so much more I want to know. There isn’t much information I have been able to find on these interwebs and I have no one to discuss this with since he doesn’t want anyone to know. Ladies that have experienced this, I feel your pain, but in no way do I believe his attraction to trans women is a reflection upon me. You offered to have a private conversation with another commenter and wondered if you would be willing to extend that to me as well.

    1. Hi Shea,
      You are so in a good place having questions instead of judgements. You’re right too: his attraction has no reflection on you at all. My invitation is to anyone feeling drawn to reach out. Please use the contact me link at the top of the page, share your contact information and we’ll get in touch (don’t leave your contact information here in the comments section please). I’d love to talk about your questions with you.

  3. Looking at the responses, I feel that I’d like to respond to Mia and Marni. This response may not win me any fans on this format, but this is what I feel. So here goes:
    I get it. I totally get the self-esteem hit that you speak. Because I experienced that in my first marriage when my then wife one day came clean and admitted that she was never in love with me and only married me to get out of her controlling parents’ house. And then added that she was still in love with her ex-boyfriend and went down the list of why she was in love with him and not me. I’ve been on the receiving end of comparisons and it feels absolutely shitty. I know that our situations are different, but listening to stories of men telling their wives that they cannot compare to trans person, well that hits a nerve with me because of what I just described.
    So yes, I admit that I have a deep intrigue about trans women. We all have attractions. But the intrigue that I have does NOT include me comparing the one experience that I had with a trans person when I was single to what I have with my wife. I find the intimacy that I share with my wife deeply satisfying and I savor it. While I admit that I have this intrigue with trans women, I have absolutely no thoughts of pursuing an encounter AT ALL. The trust that my wife places in me far supersedes any physical relations with a trans woman. In fact, the company that I work for was a participant in a Gay Pride parade a couple years ago and while I was helping up the float, a trans woman approached me and started showering me with compliments about my body and asked if we could get together after I was done at the parade. Yes, this was flattering, and also many men would have found this person super attractive, but I politely declined and went back to what I was doing. Had I been single MAYBE I would have responded differently. But I could not put my wife’s trust on the line because I felt an attraction to that person.
    Last year a trans person was murdered in Chicago. I saw her SM account in which there were a number of posts where she boasted having relations with married men and that those men commented that she gave better oral than their wives. Not to victim blame, but I was repulsed by that boastful claim because these men’s unsuspecting wives were experiencing collateral damage because of the vulgar comparisons.
    So Mia and Marni, I totally respect where you’re coming from on this issue because I was in a similar place of being told that I was not good enough in comparison to someone outside my first “marriage.” I hope that others will see your point as well. That being said, my response may not go over well in this forum, however I trust that it will at least be respected.

  4. Yes, I totally agree with something mentioned in this post. Whether spoken out loud or not, the attraction to trans women is likely more apparent than we realize. Case in point…in my first marriage (for lack of a better word), my then wife and I were watching a movie with her siblings. The movie was The Crying Game. If you are familiar with this movie, you know that there are some pretty sensual scenes between a cis man and a stunning trans woman. When that came on, I hadn’t realized that I was leaning forward, my eyes fixated on that very intimate scene. I was awakened out of it when my “wife” said something to the effect of “you’re really getting into this…should I be worried?” That statement still surprised me because she later admitted that she only married me to get out of her controlling parents house. But still, with powerful attraction as the one we all share, I’m pretty sure that there are outward signs that are pretty clear.
    I remarried and we just celebrated 20 years, however I’m pretty sure she suspects this attraction. I’m sure she can see the spark in my eyes whenever when we watch a movie with a M2F trans actress such as A Fantastic Woman or if there’s an advertisement for something like RuPaul’s Drag Race. I have no idea of pursuing this outside my marriage, but have come to grips that the attraction will always be there. So yes, I’m married and hoping that I will remain married to my wife for the duration, however I also have this special place within that I’m learning to accept and embrace when it comes to my attraction to M2F trans women.

    1. Beautiful Jay. Your response will give other men and alternative perspective on being married to a cis woman and being trans attracted. Thank you for following our work.

  5. I’m married to someone who is attracted to transgender. He is a cross dresser and hid it from me. I’m beside myself with grief and my self esteem has really taken a hit. I asked for a divorce because I dont think it his desire for a man that presents as a women will go away but I’m compromising things to make him happy which is making me miserable.

    1. Hi Nikko,
      It is common for cross-dressing men and men who are attracted to trans women to keep it secret from their spouse. It’s also common to keep it secret from themselves. The reason it’s common is because, generally, society condemns such desire. But this desire is natural. It’s the condemnation that is unnatural.

      So what happens is men who have this natural desire condemn themselves then feel shame and self-hatred of this part of them. It is likely your husband was this way before you two married.

      Of course you feel miserable. You’re wanting something, not getting it, and your attention on the fact that you’re not getting what you want makes you miserable because you know you are supposed to get what you want.

      So go get what you want! Do you know what you want?

      Remember, it takes two to tango. A part of you knew your husband was this way. Nothing has gone wrong here. Your getting clarity about an important part of your life.

      Be kind to everyone involved, especially yourself. Go your own way and find your happiness while freeing your husband to find his.

      Both of you are supposed to be happy.

  6. My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans. How fucking sad this statement is. Do you have any idea how much this destroys the woman who tries to measure up? To the man dressed as a woman and her husband who cannot admit his sexuality. Forgive me but I resent these men who want to call themselves women. Maybe my resentment is displaced for my husband whose attraction to these men dressed as women has utterly destroyed my self-esteem. i’m not sure where to place my anger – for these men who are GAY and dress/transform into women so they can be with men OR for these men who are GAY who enjoy being with men who dress/transform as women but are confused by their sexuality and attempt to live a “straight” life. My husband and his denial have utterly ruined my self-esteem as a woman and wasted a good amount of my life to be in a genuine relationship. I am angry, hurt and frankly bitter towards the porn industry that introduced him to these men. My life is destroyed and my heart is broken.

    1. Hi Mia,
      I understand your resentment, your anger and frustration. I also understand your unacceptance of the people for whom your “wasband” is attracted to.

      How did you come to this website? What were you searching for? If you’ve looked around our content, you’ll notice something (although this may be extremely hard to hear from where you currently are): your self-esteem isn’t ruined, although I know to you it feels that way. And since you think that, it is true for you: your self-esteem is ruined.

      But it’s also not.

      Just because you believe it is ruined doesn’t mean that truth is objectively real, like separate from your thoughts. You can have a quite-intact self esteem AND, believe it or not, still love your husband, even though you two may no longer be together.

      I get though how that feels so out of reach right now.

      There’s another reality in which you both have gone on your individual way, and along those paths both of you are happy. No resentment, not bitterness. Everyone happy.

      Someday that will be your truth. But I get that right now, it’s not.

      1. Thank you for your thoughtful response. Forgive me but I think it is easy for you to respond in this way because you are living on the other side of the coin. While you talk about your wife in this article, do you really know how deeply this affected her? Is it easier to brush it away as incompatibility or just both parties are happy now. I really think this is a delusion to help men (like you and my husband) to feel ok about the choice you have made. After nearly 20 years of marriage, I am devastated. I truly believe that my entire marriage has been a sham and that i must not be pretty enough , feminine enough or good enough. Your response makes you feel better for the choices you have made. I believe my husband is a COWARD who destroyed my life and self-esteem in order to live a facade of a life he thought he should. So, I’m supposed to be ok because now he has found himself and can be in an authentic relationship. I think this is what you guys tell yourselves to make yourselves feel better for the TRUE women that you destroy. We are left in your aftermath to pick up the pieces and try to put our lives back together and find some sense of worth again. I found your site after searching up the issue in a desperate attempt to find understanding and comfort at the sham of my last 20 years.

        My only response to both you and my husband is I hope it was worth it. I hope denying your attraction at the expense of another human being and destroying that person so you could be with your transsexual was worth it. I hope it was worth it that i became suicidal. I hope it was worth it that are children now live in a broken home. I hope it was worth it that I now require anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications in order to function. God, I hope my peace of mind and life were worth it.

        1. You’re welcome Mia. Rather than replying at length here, I would like to offer this: let’s talk on the phone or via Skype or Zoom where we can see one another or at least hear one another. I know that were we to talk in real time, you might find enormous relief from these feelings you’re experiencing and the actual physically real experiences you’re having.

          It’s not an attempt to silence you here in the comments section. As you see, I’ve posted your comments verbatim, immediately and unedited. It’s more that, despite what you’re claiming here, I really do understand what’s happening with you and with my ex-wife and with your former husband. And, it could be helpful for you if we shared that knowledge together in real time.

          Might you be interested in that? If so, please write me via The Transamorous Network contact page and share your number. I’ll call you. Or after writing me I’ll give you my number if you prefer. This is a fee offer Mia. And I’m willing to talk with you as long as or as many times as needed.

        2. I agree 100 percent with you Mia it is so selfish to waste another persons life while you have underling desires and in most cases fulfill them whilst in a relationship with someone that Is constantly feeling something is a miss and blaming themselves constant battles and arrugements In your own head. .

          100 perfect it effects your confidence and self asteem and whilst theses men are trying to be women we are just trying to be enough

          I hope your okay and feel your pain

          1. Thank you so much for your response and affirmation.

            I’m not ok. This has utterly destroyed me. I hope he is happy and satisfied at the lives they have destroyed and cost just so he can be with a man (in what he thinks he is a more socially acceptable way).

            I am not ok

  7. transwomen are not women. I wish we would stop saying that. That is INAUTHENTIC! I’m not dogging the attraction to transgender MTF – I’m just calling a spade a spade. They are NOT women. Maybe calling them that makes them and the men attracted to them feel better. But, I’m sorry, as a natal woman, I can say unequivocally, they are not women. That being said, your article has helped me as my husband is transattracted and I have known for a long time that I can’t meet his needs. Thank you for validating that.

    1. You’re welcome Alana. Yes. My wife couldn’t meet my needs as well. That didn’t make her bad or wrong. That’s just what was. What I learned from my marriage was she was a wonderful clarifier of what I really wanted. So our marriage was good for me. Perhaps you can see from a standpoint of the love you feel for him, that benefit you offer your husband.

      It’s interesting. I participate in a discussion group of varied gender people. When talking with both trans “men” and trans “women”, they revealed that they find being among cis-women and cis-men, now that they have transitioned, as very challenging. They find cis-people (men and women) far more distinct from them than they originally thought. It’s challenging acknowledging the accuracy of what you’re saying though because many, many, MANY transgirls want so bad to find a place to “fit in” rather than finding satisfaction and joy in their own distinctness, being as something different from both man or woman. It’s not as homogenous as you would think though. For there are, indeed, some transgirls who acknowledge that they are not “women”.

      It’s all about the stories people are telling, Alana. Right?

      Until that unwillingness to accept themselves goes away, it’s going to be challenging doing away with this conversation. Part of our work at The Transamorous Network is having people authentically embrace who and what they are. For some, it’s a very long road. Glad we could help.

    2. Im am in a straight relationship with my partner, although i found out i was attratcted to trans before we got together. I told her in the early stages of our relationship and it was almost laughed off and dismissed.

      Unfortunatly, i went behind my partners back on one or two occasions years into the relationship and it confirmed my fetish with trand women. I didnt want to enjoy it but i fould out i loved it. It was exciting, different and turned me on but it was just fun.

      My partner did find out and I came clean, we had counsiling and she came round. I completely love my partner 100% but desires took hold and i lost complete control of myself and my emotions.

      In the end, she came with me to meet a trans woman and enjoyed watching me have fun. She knows i am completely in love and commited to her in a daily and family life and has accepted who i am and what i like and we can now be completely open without lies or deciet.

      I am very lucky to be able to be myself, i am able to have an intimate relationship with my partner who is absolutly amazing and also satisfy my desires.

      I think the best way to understand a person who is attracted to trans is to go with them and see what its all about. In doing so people may see what it is for real rather than what they think it might be in their heads which makes more out of it than there needs to be.

      For men and speaking for myself, sex is just sex. A realease of the stresses of day to day life and a time out to enjoy some variety.

      I hope any partners of trans addicts reading this can look at it from a different angle and realise that its not the end of the world and in no way is it your fault and you have no inadaqusies.

      People cant be put in boxes and conform to the expected social norms, we’re human, not robots.

      1. Hey Jake,
        The most important thing you’ve talked about is the relief you feel and the willing acceptance your partner now experiences. Congratulations for finding that. Just a couple more perspectives we want to offer, mainly for others who might read your comment.

        An entire industry surrounds the word “addiction”. Lots of money goes back and forth as people contend with what they think that word describes. Desires are good. They are not “addictions”. Attraction is good. It is not an “addiction”. Love is good too and it is not restricted to just one person.

        It’s great you love your partner and are committed to them. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t experience that same love and commitment with a transgender woman. Often, men think that’s not possible because they are caught up in their “fantasy”, which is really just a future reality they can’t have, because they don’t believe having it is possible, when it is possible.

        We’re going to presume your partner feels better about your attraction because they now see it doesn’t threaten what they get from you being in their life. Maybe they were telling stories about you leaving, what that would mean to them and others involved, and the havoc they think that would create. Such stories can be tremendously painful. That’s obvious in some of the comments in this thread. Now that these have been soothed in your partner (through counseling) they no longer cause your partner to feel the discomfort that comes with telling such stories. Again, that’s a good thing.

        And yet, men (and women) often get themselves into situations that are hard to get out of. Their stories about life, children, family, societal obligations and more keep them in situations, even though some (not all) may not want to continue in them. We’re not saying this is you Jake, or your partner. We’re saying many men and women in similar situations (with wives and families) feel a righteous obligation to remaining in these situations because society, family upbringing and other “authorities” have convinced them not to “go against” what they’ve learned. Some people are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the adventure, the joy and that “what’s next!” of creating life experience. They’re so unaware that they can have any life they want. So they settle into lives of stability, adherence and compliance because the rambunctious life-as-their-creation, that they came to have feels so foreign. We’re not denigrating such decisions. They can impede, however, the natural, wholesome desire for more that is inherent in all consciousness. Trans attraction is a dimension of this.

        Sounds like you and your partner found enough relief in balancing your attraction and your desire to stay in your situation so you can stay there AND be happy. That’s good.

        Sex isn’t just sex. Although it can be seen as release, it is much more than that, and to call it “just sex” significantly diminishes its wonder and meaning. But again, if you find “release” in it, go for it because that feeling is crucial to getting what you want. Whether you call it “relief” or “release” those emotions mean something important. Feeling them is even more important.

        Back to “addicts”: That’s a significant, negative and loaded word for what really is a natural, wholesome desire. The reason trans-desire feels so strong, sometimes compellingly so, is because the desire itself, and the joy derived in its fulfillment, is something you know, at the core of who you are, will fulfill an aspect of who you are. In doing so, in fulfilling it, you will also transform, inform and altogether make worldly experience more enjoyable for those with whom you come into contact with. You’ll also expand the nature of what it means to be human. All these are worthy results of pursuing desires. And they line up with what everyone comes into the world to experience: desire fulfillment. Every desire is meant to be (and is) fulfilled.

        We do not encourage trans-attracted people to see their attraction as anything less than that: a wholesome desire wanting to be fulfilled. For in its fulfillment will emerge wonderful more, joy, fun and happiness for all involved.

        All that happens, but that doesn’t mean everyone involved will experience it. As we say everywhere in our content: stories are powerful. They can block what is really happening. That’s always temporary though. The pain and anguish expressed in this comment section doesn’t have to be these people’s reality. We know it’s hard knowing that when you’re in the thick of the suffering. But suffering doesn’t mean the joy is not available. It’s just not as a tangible experience when one tells stories that are not aligned with joy.

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