Editor’s note: In this series, we highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
I’m 32, pre-transition and really struggling to cope after years of repression. I don’t know what do. I am in so much pain. I’m so lost. I’ll be honest I spent all night last night reading your site and crying. I saw there multiple times where one of the writers said ‘you only need one’ and it really woke me up. It’s not the first time I thought the same thing. There’s millions of men in the world surely one can love me?
Lonely and longing
While it is true you only need one, literally thousands of men will (not can) love you. Millions “can” love you.
And yes, if you’re monogamous, you only need one of those multiple millions or multiple thousands of men.
The problem comes from where you stand relative to that man. Looking for love and not finding it resembles looking for sunglasses you think you lost.
You can’t find what you think is lost
I just ended a client session this morning where the client described how she lost her sunglasses. She looked for them everywhere, throughout her house…even in her car. No sunglasses.
Then she realized they were on her head the whole time. She pushed them up there earlier and forgot. Since she forgot, she tried “finding” them. She didn’t remember where she put them (on her head) because she stood in the “story” (the belief), that her sunglasses were “lost”.
Finally, she gave up looking for them and went on her errand. “Giving up” means, she let go of the story “I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them.”
“I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them” made it impossible – literally for her –to realize the glasses on her head. So close they were!
Yet, she couldn’t see them. She couldn’t even feel them!
You stand in the exact same place about this man you want. You literally can’t find him while telling stories you tell yourself, about boys/men, about love, about relationships, about YOURSELF about you being trans, about your worthiness and deservedness when it comes to loving relationships.
Meanwhile, just like my client and her sunglasses on her head, the man you want is as close as that. He’s literally moving around you all day every day.
But when you tell the equivalent of “I want my sunglasses. But I can’t find them” across all these subjects, he is as invisible and as lost as my client’s sunglasses.
And when you try to find him, you just exacerbate his invisibility.
You can’t find something missing, absent or lost while you think it’s missing absent or lost. Your beliefs (your thinking) create your reality (your life).
Becoming a finder
And yet, the pain you feel brings benefits. That pain tells you something important. But if you don’t know what it tells, you can’t benefit. It sucks when most people experience pain, especially emotional pain, for this reason. Most don’t know what pain offers.
I can’t offer something in an email that will move you out of your pain and into your ideal love relationship. That takes a while. My client load exists for that reason. But if you want, we can start that work together. Clearly, you’ve read a lot of our material, so you sense what we do and its effectiveness.
The good news: you came into the world knowing you’d have this experience. You WANTED it and you knew it would be an extremely rewarding and world changing one.
But like everyone (almost everyone), you’ve forgotten this knowing (like the sunglasses on your head) in the face of physical reality’s bewildering nature. Its detail, real-ness and solidity seem so real! And objectively separate from you.
We help people remember what they forgot, then show them how to use what they remember so they create reality in which what they want happens. When that happens, life for them gets as fun as we write about.
4 Replies to “Trans Women: How To Get Love You Believe You Can’t Have”
My problem with all of this is: what about transgender women who are not attracted to men? I am one of those. Yes, I have had bisexual encounters in the past, but that was purely to satisfy a sexual desire at the time. I honestly have never felt any attraction towards men, hence if I’m thinking about a committed relationship, I would love to hear how and where a transgender female can meet someone that is potentially interested in her. I find it a very tricky topic: going to a typical lesbian venue could easily lead to having difficulties because of being a trans person. And that seriously limits the options to meet someone. I genuinly have not been able to think of a solution for this challenge. So, I would love to see an article on it!
Hi Emilia! Great topic. We’ll for sure do an article on it. Our scheduled articles are currently 6 weeks ahead, so such an article wouldn’t get published until mid-to-end of February. If you’d like a faster opportunity to get some feedback (personal feedback) you might take advantage of the free 1:1 session we offer. That said we will for sure do an article on your question. It’s a great one. Thanks!
Hey Emilia, hopefully you get this. We just scheduled an article about your subject. It’s in two parts, with the first part coming our on Feb. 15, right after Valentines Day. Part two publishes the next week. Thanks for the suggestion!