What is transamorous?

Blog 3 photoI didn’t know the word hadn’t been created when I first used it in speaking to my wife about creating The Transamorous Network. I thought it was mainstream.

Nope.

Turns out Piper’s Tumblr account was the first place it was coined, way back at the beginning of 2013 (lol). Maybe there are earlier records, but I’m not taking time to find out. This isn’t a journalist’s blog and I’m no researcher.

Transamory, transamorous, is the coined expression describing being romantically and/or sexually attracted to transgender people. That means a guy like you (presuming you’re a guy reading this and you fit that description).

I love the term. It totally fits me and I’m proud to claim it. I’ve been claiming the idea behind it for a long time. I’m out about it and don’t care about those who may have a problem with it. Although I’ll gladly interact with a close-minded person in order to free it (their mind that is).

So what does it mean to be transamorous? It means, to me, finding transwomen fantastically, irresistibly attractive and desiring to have a romantic relationship with such a person. For me it doesn’t so much equal being sexually attracted exclusive of everything else, although sexual attraction is part of the deal. Primarily for me transamory is about the “amor” – the love. The desire to love and adore a person (in this case obviously a transwoman) in a relationship where two grow to know each other more than they know anyone else.

Transamory should be distinguished from mere sexual attraction because of this. It’s more than objectifying transpeople, be they transmen or transwomen. In my opinion, you can’t love someone if you don’t know them. And you can’t know them unless you spend time with them. A lot of time. And you can’t spend time with them unless you have some things in common. So claiming to love someone just because they’re trans falls short.

In my opinion.

20 thoughts on “What is transamorous?

  1. There needs to be a dating site for trans folk and their admirers. Unfortunately, all the ones which exist at present seem to be fetish driven.

    Porn has fetishised trans people and continues to do so. This is a crime in my eyes because it erases trans people’s humanity and reduces them to meer sex objects.

    Any such ‘transamorous’ dating site would also need to be free, since many trans people are suffering higher rates of poverty and homelessness than their cis counterparts.

    1. Hey there Red,
      I understand why you think yet another dating site needs to exist. I also understand why you think porn and fetishization should be criminalized. I get your point also that such a dating site needs to be free.

      Have you read our blog posts (other posts, not just the one you’re commenting on) watched any of our shows on YouTube or listened to our podcast? If not, the following may not make sense to you:

      There are so many directions I could go based on your comments. Let’s start with this “free” website. You already have a free dating site. It’s called your daily life. There’s no reason you can meet men who are your ideal. There are plenty of men in your daily life who are trans-attracted and tansamorous who don’t do these things.

      But I understand why you think all men do these things. It’s because of the stories you are telling. The stories you just told in your comment above are clear giveaways. Your stories are why the men you meet are the kinds of men you meet. Your stories are why you’re frustrated about existing dating sites and the fact that some of them you must pay for.

      We offer the best match-making system around. It works, 100 percent of the time. Everyone gets a match. But it’s based on what’s really happening in your life: that your stories are creating your life experience and there’s no way around them. So instead of offering you a bunch of profiles of others on a free website, we show you how to clean up the stories you’re telling. When you do that, you gradually meet the men you want, instead of meeting ones you don’t.

      In the meantime, your life generally gets better and better. Which brings me back to this “free” website you’re wanting: Rather than demanding that something be free, why not change what you’re doing in your life (the stories you’re telling) so that you don’t experience “poverty and homelessness”? The only reason anyone experiences those things is because of their stories. When a person starts changing their stories, not only do they meet better quality men, they have a far better quality life.

  2. I love transgender woman. I have been married to two genetic females for most of my life and then I met Dominique, a TG woman, who turned my world upside down. We dated for almost 10 years and finally married. I am comfortable with my sexuality and never once considered myself gay–NEVER. I love , admire , respect TG woman for to me they are more feminine than most genetic females.

    1. Massive congratulations Douglas! What a nice story. We just interviewed a newly-formed cis-het couple on our show yesterday. So cool to see more guys proudly owning who they are!

  3. It’s important to note that transgender people are t limited to transgender men and transgender women. There are many of us myself included who identify as transgender and non-binary, or otherwise gender non-conforming.

    1. Of course “Wee”. We have focused on the binary because, well, we had to start somewhere! lol. It’s good to have you as part of the community. We (Wee – 🙂 ) love you too!

  4. I’m a woman attracted to cross dresser/ transgender. I want to know if there’s any cross dresser man / transgender whom are interested in dating women?

    1. There are plenty Marisol. Many transwomen and cross dressers, unable to find romance with a man, often find love with women. Of course there are also lesbians. Don’t worry, everyone finds love. Everyone. At one point or another.

    2. Cross dressing and transgender are two entirely different things for so many reasons. If you’re attracted to cross dressers, ie; men who identify as men, use male pronouns, and wear feminine attire, and it’s purely sexual for you that is a kink, nothing wrong with that.

      If you find trans women attractive you are either a lesbian or bisexual. You’re not heterosexual, and if you’re defining these people based of genitalia or femininity then you’re fetishising trans people and you need to stop and re-evaluate.

      Find yourself a husband who is a man that likes female stockings, there’s plenty on fetish societies.

    3. Marisol, yes, there are many trans women attracted to Cis women as well as many trans men.

      Reading your question makes me wonder, do you equate trans women and cross dressers as “men” ? Because that isn’t at all true.

      Cross dressers, regardless of gender, play a role, and many of them are very convincing. But at the end of it, they remove the clothing and persona and go back to thier assigned gender at birth. For them it simply feels good to get out of roles forced on them by society.

      For a trans woman, it isn’t role playing, many trans women (pre op) are simply like you, women, albeit, with penises. Our thinking, our emotions, our likes and dislikes are going to remind you of many of your Cis women friends and acquaintances. We have differences, sure, we are all raised different with different experiences, but in the end, we are indeed women, just as you are.

      Now, speaking for myself and myself alone, Genitalia doesn’t mean a lot to me other than I find it beautiful and fascinating, what attracts me isnt what’s in the pants, it’s what type of person I am dealing with.

      I never fell in love with a vagina or a penis, but I have fallen in love with men and women.

  5. I am very happy to find a resource of this nature.its rare.even more rare where I’m from which is South Africa.its much appreciated.

  6. Hi Perry,

    As a feminine of center person still exploring their gender, I am very interested in what you have to say about improving the dynamics between cismen and transwomen who are interested in one another. I would like it very much if we can bring this out into the open so that the shame of conventional cismen does not translate into disrespect and violence towards transwomen.

    But that aside, I feel this is only one specific segment that falls under the implication of transamoury. And I can’t help but notice the disparity between that and your decision to use name of “Transamoury Network.” Don’t mistake me, I do think the focus you choose is the one most in need of improvement, for many of the reasons you describe elsewhere. And it makes sense to me that you focus on cis trans, as transpeople *generally* have a better basis from which to relate to each other.

    That aside, I think it would be appreciated by those transpeople in between the poles, non-binaries outside of the spectrum, and especially transmen (who are frequently forgotten altogether in these conversations) if material was generated to address their intimate relationships with cispeople. Nor should ciswomen be ignored, as they are equally capable of fetishizing the transgendered (couples seeking ‘passable transwoman’ for hook-up, I’m looking at you).

    I know these are outside your experience and what you are able to speak to, nor would I expect/want you to make assumptions about them. But it seems entirely within the realm of possibility that you could invite other bloggers to participate and invite guests or occasional co-hosts who do participate in those dynamics.

    Again, I think you are doing very positive work and I am not trying to attack you for having a particular focus. It is merely a concern of mine that the rest of the trans community is not leat behind. For all I know you may already be considering the suggestions I have made. I am new to this particular conversation and will try to investigate it further as I am able to.

    All the best,
    S.H.

    1. Hi SH,
      Thanks for reading, writing and contemplating the site. It’s just starting out, but already I have a podcast scheduled to launch next month (I have three episodes recorded and another three scheduled), my YouTube Channel is up and The Transwoman’s Guide is mostly complete. You know, it’s remarkable the response I’m getting from The Man’s Guide. Two transwomen have read it. They were so thrilled they are now my Co-hosts on the podcast!

      Interesting perspective you offer on broadening the conversation. The timing couldn’t have been better, as another person (a Cis-woman) encouraged me to consider the same thing you’re writing about. Indeed, the Transamorous Network, while it focuses (for now) on the three areas mentioned in the “about page” there are plans to broaden the conversation. But, I have to start somewhere and my personal experiences seemed to be the best place.

      For sure I’ll be inviting others to contribute content on all the Network’s properties. I contend the time has come for this whole conversation on gender diversity to honor the glorious spectrum that is the human species.

      SH, I’m so encouraged by your email. Thanks so much for writing. Would you mind if I do a post about it? Also, might you be interested in being a guest on the Transamorous Network Podcast?

      Thanks again for writing.

      Perry

  7. If the emphasis in “transamorous” is on the love, then how (if at all) would on describe a man with a strictly sexual attraction to transwomen?

    1. I honestly don’t know the answer to your question Jenni. Instead of an answer, I just receive more questions internally in response to yours. Without having a conversation with such a man, I couldn’t provide any insight to such a singular interest in another human being.

    2. We call those people tra**y chasers. It is not a complimentary term, it is meant to be derisive as “chasers” objectify trans women as sexual objects devoid of humanity.

      P.S. I am a trans woman. The T word I starred in my reply is derogatory and really should not be used. For clarity and to avoid dehumanizing other trans persons, we simply use the term “chasers”.

      Ive dealt with them, to put such a relationship in perspective try envisioning being a trans woman who has had an experience with a “chaser” and now overlay the shower scene in The Crying Game. That’s about what it feels like. A lot of self loathing and emotional pain.

      1. Thanks for your comment Kynthia. In our experience talking with a lot of men the community would call “chasers”, that label and its definition itself sees these men as devoid of humanity. While I write that, I want you to know, I know your experiences and opinions are real and valid. But only in your experience. They are not necessarily valid for other trans women. And they for sure don’t have to be valid for any trans woman who believes it is valid. In other words, you (or anyone) can experience wonderful relationships with men. Even former “chasers”.

        The thing about some…perhaps many…”chaser” behaviors some trans women derisively describe, are actually early-stage Transamorous behaviors. Many men who behave that way are exploring something new and potentially (for them) scary and/or humiliating. As they get more comfortable with their trans-attraction, they grow out of such behaviors.

        So the question must be asked: If you’re meeting such early-stage, trans-attracted men, and you don’t like that, what are you doing so you meet men who aren’t that way? There are plenty of such men. And if you’re not meeting such early-stage, trans-attracted men, and perhaps in a relationship with a nice man (who possibly may have got is trans introduction through chaser behavior) why are you perpetuating this one-dimensional stereotype of such men? To me it’s similar to seeing a trans women one-dimensionally….instead of seeing the whole person. Does that make sense? Seriously asking your response.

  8. I’m so excited about the Transamorous Network. I look forward to following your blog and watching the LOVE grow.

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