Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy. This particular exchange we are sharing because we strongly believe the narrative expressed by the writer has value for trans-attracted men, as well as transgender women who are capable of being compassionate towards women impacted by men struggling with their trans attraction. Trans attraction is serious business and is NOT A FETISH. It has long-term impacts for everyone involved. We at The Transamorous Network understand this and have compassion not only for the men, but for the women (both trans and cis) impacted by their short- and long-term decisions.
SECOND WARNING: This exchange contains material that may be highly offensive and triggering for transgender people. We strongly suggest that if you are triggered by content that may be perceived by you as invalidating or erasure, you should NOT read the following.
“My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.”
How fucking sad this statement is. Do you have any idea how much this destroys the woman who tries to measure up? To the man dressed as a woman and her husband who cannot admit his sexuality.
Forgive me, but I resent these men who want to call themselves women. Maybe my resentment is displaced for my husband whose attraction to these men dressed as women has utterly destroyed my self-esteem.
I’m not sure where to place my anger – for these men who are GAY and dress/transform into women so they can be with men OR for these men who are GAY who enjoy being with men who dress/transform as women but are confused by their sexuality and attempt to live a “straight” life.
My husband and his denial have utterly ruined my self-esteem as a woman and wasted a good amount of my life to be in a genuine relationship. I am angry, hurt and frankly bitter towards the porn industry that introduced him to these men. My life is destroyed and my heart is broken.
Meena
Hi Meena
I understand your resentment, your anger and frustration. I also understand your unacceptance of the people for whom your husband is attracted to.
How did you come to this website? What were you searching for? If you’ve looked around our content, you’ll notice something (although this may be extremely hard to hear from where you currently are): your self-esteem isn’t ruined, although I know to you it feels that way. At the same time, since you believe that it is, it is true for you: your self-esteem is ruined.
But it’s also not.
Just because you believe it is ruined doesn’t mean that truth is objectively real, like separate from your thoughts. You can have a quite-intact self esteem AND, believe it or not, still love your husband, even though you two may no longer be together.
I get though how that feels so out of reach right now.
There’s another reality in which you both have gone on your individual way, and along those paths both of you are happy. No resentment, no bitterness. Everyone happy.
Someday that will be your truth. But I get that right now, it’s not.
TTN
Dear TTN
Thank you for your thoughtful response. Forgive me but I think it is easy for you to respond in this way because you are living on the other side of the coin. While you talk about your wife in this article, do you really know how deeply this affected her?
Is it easier to brush it away as incompatibility or just both parties are happy now. I really think this is a delusion to help men (like you and my husband) to feel ok about the choice you have made. After nearly 20 years of marriage, I am devastated. I truly believe that my entire marriage has been a sham and that i must not be pretty enough, feminine enough or good enough. Your response makes you feel better for the choices you have made. I believe my husband is a COWARD who destroyed my life and self-esteem in order to live a facade of a life he thought he should.
So, I’m supposed to be ok because now he has found himself and can be in an authentic relationship. I think this is what you guys tell yourselves to make yourselves feel better for the TRUE women that you destroy. We are left in your aftermath to pick up the pieces and try to put our lives back together and find some sense of worth again.
I found your site after searching up the issue in a desperate attempt to find understanding and comfort at the sham of my last 20 years.
My only response to both you and my husband is I hope it was worth it. I hope denying your attraction at the expense of another human being and destroying that person so you could be with your transsexual [SIC] was worth it. I hope it was worth it that i became suicidal. I hope it was worth it that are children now live in a broken home. I hope it was worth it that I now require anti-anxiety and antidepressant medications in order to function. God, I hope my peace of mind and life were worth it.
Meena
Hi again Meena,
Rather than replying at length here, I would like to offer this: let’s talk on the phone or via Skype or Zoom where we can see one another or at least hear one another. I know that were we to talk in real time, you might find enormous relief from these feelings you’re experiencing and the actual physically real experiences you’re having.
It’s not an attempt to silence you here in the comments section. As you see, I’ve posted your comments verbatim, immediately and unedited. It’s more that, despite what you’re claiming here, I really do understand what’s happening with you and with my ex-wife and with your former husband. And, it could be helpful for you if we shared that knowledge together in real time.
This is a fee offer Meena. And I’m willing to talk with you as long as or as many times as needed.
Perry
Hi Perry,
Thank you for responding to my comment and the offer to talk with me via phone/skype/etc. I apologize for posting my comments on your site and appreciate your thoughtful and compassionate responses.
I don’t wish to talk with you at this time as I am under the care of an AASECT (American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists) and am currently working on keeping myself safe. I am fearful that talking with you may push me further towards my self-destructive behaviors. At this time, I am working under a contract with her so I don’t need to be hospitalized for my suicidal ideation. Please forgive me, but I believe talking to you would only further my desire to find quiet and peace in my mind.
My husband’s lies and betrayal have frankly devestated me and sense of safety and security. I may find forgiveness for him eventually but right now I am simply working on surviving for myself and my children each day. I fear talking to you about this issue will only validate my feelings of worthlessness – as you are like my husband and have given up your marriage for someone you found better and more attractive.
I don’t see where you could bring me any comfort. I wish you and your dating network all the best and hope you find success – hopefully not at the expense of other human beings.
Meena
Hi Meena,
I think you’re presuming what my intentions are, and that’s ok. I only know that I could help you find peace and calm, mental and emotional clarity and then empowerment pretty much immediately. That’s why I was offering. Conversing with me wouldn’t “push you towards more destructive behaviors”, instead, it could quite quickly reconnect you with your feelings of empowerment, security and knowing; the exact opposite of what you have expressed as a fear.
But I understand where you are, not because I’m trans-attracted and divorced, but because I understand other things you and I (and everyone else) shares.
Just so you know, I didn’t leave my wife because I found a trans woman. My wife divorced me because she found other men she preferred. It was a great move on her part and I don’t blame her or vilify her for her choices. And no, I currently am not with a trans woman. I prefer to focus on my growing enterprises.
Hopefully this provides the clarity it was meant to offer. The offer I made earlier still stands should you ever choose to act on it.
As for your comments on The Transamorous Network, you don’t have to apologize at all because your comments, as painful as they may have been to share, will help more people than you know as they seek their own understanding and freedom in the new reality we all find ourselves in.
Be well Meena.
Perry
Dear Perry,
Thank you for your kind and compassionate response. I feel that you are a very caring and empathetic person who is trying to help me.
I’m not sure I am in a place to find empowerment. I have an 18 year marriage that is a sham. I have been married to a man who was sexually attracted to something other than what I can offer. We have struggled with sex for 18 years – he always claimed a lower libido that me – and I am so stupid that I tried for so long to try to be what he said he wanted and liked. I discovered his transattraction early in our marriage and I allowed him to convince me that it was just a fetish and that his primary attraction was to cis-gender women. After all this time and recently discovering some sexting activity on his part (while recovering from breast cancer none the less – but who needs real breasts when your husband prefers the implants attached to a body with a penis), I realize I have been in denial because I love him and he is the father of my children. He wants to be with a tranny – though he says he never has had sex with one – but at different times in his life he has met ones he found attractive.
Never the less, as a cisgender woman, I can tell you that transsexual women maintain a certain masculinity that is extremely obvious to real women (because they are NOT real women) – no matter how much surgery or hormones they have had. As a result of being married to a man who is transattracted, I have begun to worry as a CISGENDER FEMALE – are my features masculine? Do I look like a tranny? Is that why he was attracted to me? Do other people think I look like a man dressed as a woman? I have lost all sense of self-confidence and esteem as a woman as well as my sense of safety and security.
I think it is easy for you to chalk this up to well, both parties can now be happy. He can be with a transsexual and I can be – I don’t know – because I can’t imagine that another human being would want to be with me – (i must look like a tranny and my husband of 18 years is attracted to MEN – albeit dressed like women with breast implants and a shit ton of make-up). Right now, I see no happy solution to this. I am so glad you can find the sunshine and rainbows in this. I’m sorry but after 18 years of marriage, this is destruction of another human being because he is too macho to admit to himself, his friends or family that he likes men who dress as women! I found your site in a desparate attempt to understand and frankly, reassure me that he actually does just have a fetish and truly is into REAL women. Your site only confirmed my worst nightmare. I am lost and devastated.
You can keep your site going and kid yourself that all will be well for men who are into trannies and destroy their marriages in order to indulge in this sexual fetish. And frankly, it will – despite all the women it destroys and leaves in the aftermath. How could you really make a difference? Save two lives? You should focus your efforts on younger men who are struggling to understand themselves – before they enter into a heterosexual relationship – and help them enter into relationships for their TRUE nature. This would save so much destruction and possibly some lives. You see, the only people who come out on top in this scenario are the men you help to find their TRUE authentic nature and marry, date or have sex with trannies all the while destroying those women who have committed to them and thought they had a husband who loved them.
I apologize for my hostility and anger – I am still searching for peace and answers – and your site has provided me with a horrible ugly truth that is very hard for me to accept. I kept searching for answers that lead down a different path – one that confirmed my marriage, confirmed that I hadn’t married a man who preferred to be with MEN, confirmed that I am an attractive, desirable and worth while woman deserving of a relationship and not some pathetic hideous woman who can serve as as a facade/sham for a man who truly is into MEN.
I thank you again for your compassionate response to me – as I know my thoughts and ideas are very attacking of your entire endeavor.
My only hope is that my pain might help save someone from this horrible experience and ultimately save their life.
Meena
We offered Meena a free live engagement to help her. To date, she has not responded.
This exchange shows how serious this is for everyone involved. If you’re trans attracted and feel shame and embarrassment about this natural part of you, we encourage you to consider this: the sooner you come into owning who you are, the better off everyone will be.
That being said, stories people tell create their reality. Often “stories people tell” blind them to their own intuition, which is always accurate. As you can see in Meena’s experience, several times her intuition led her to evidence in response to her questions, which came in the form of suspicion. Instead of listening to her knowing, she told stories which caused her to ignore her knowing.
Everyone is a match to the partner they are with. In other words, it always takes two.
Whenever a person ignores answers they receive, and everyone always receives answers they seek, such answers will get bigger – more intense, harder to ignore – until the person “gets it”. By then, a lot of cleaning up may be required.
It’s possible to avoid all this. If you’re in a long-term relationship or marriage, or you’re contemplating marrying a cis-woman, but you are trans attracted, we urge you to consider the significance of your choices.
And, at the same time, it takes two. Meena’s struggle reflects her husband’s struggle as both create one another through stories they tell.
Find out more. We are available to everyone.