I once contemplated suicide. This was long before I discovered my transamory. In high school, I dated one of the prettiest, most popular girls. One day, she quit dating me. Her parents didn’t approve apparently. Drawings I made of her and I engaged in sexual acts, which her parents found, didn’t help my case…
So much did her parents disapprove that they dropped the bomb, in person…on my mom. They showed up at my home one day and, in no uncertain terms, told mom I wouldn’t see their daughter any more.
My adolescent heart broke. Not knowing what I know now, I thought my youthful world ended right there. What was the point of living without her?
Obviously, I didn’t take my life. It was a momentary blip. The next day, the experience past, I moved on. So did my ex, apparently.
That’s why I understand the dismal place people find themselves where suicide seems logical. Whether trans, trans-attracted, cis or hetero it doesn’t matter. Getting to the place where suicide makes sense sucks. But it needn’t suck. Nor need it be fatal.
Instead, it can be the best launching pad to a better life.
Emotions as divining rods
Suicidal thoughts feel scary. Especially when they sneak up on you. But do they though? Are people contemplating suicide happy one moment, then, voila!, they want to die?
Of course not. Suicidal thoughts usually come to ordinary folk after a long period of gradual, increasingly negative thoughts. As such, suicidal thoughts resemble any other thought and its associated momentum.
Thoughts trigger emotions. Nothing else does that. Anyone can figure this out by watching where their emotions come from. The common refrain that “X made me” sad, or angry or jealous is a lie we tell ourselves constantly. No one makes someone else feel anything. How someone feels depends on thoughts that person thinks about what they’re thinking about. That’s the only source of emotions.
Emotions are crucial. They help tell us many important things about every choice we’re making. Some of the most powerful thoughts humans think happen underneath our awareness. It’s not that they’re “unconscious”. It’s just that the thinker is oblivious to how they’re choosing to think about what they’re thinking about. Emotions, therefore, act as an immediate feedback mechanism for our thought-choices. Not just those we choose “unconsciously”, but ones we consciously choose too.
Emotions also tell a person what’s coming in the future. Yes, they’re a kind of divining rod, accurately and constantly predicting the future before the future comes.
But since most people don’t know this, they end up feeling chronically anxious, worried, doubtful, insecure and depressed. Then they’re frightened when suicidal thoughts show up. Thoughts they could avoid completely had they used their emotions, humans’ natural divining rod, appropriately.
Negative thoughts start it
Negative thoughts, and their associated emotions, essentially tell the thinker “stop how you’re thinking or you won’t like what comes next!”
Suicidal thoughts do the same, but at volume 10. They say “Dude! Wake the fuck up! You’re heading somewhere you’re not going to like!” That’s why thoughts about killing one’s self feel so awful. If someone thinking about suicide looks back across their “thinking” history, they will find a succession of increasingly negative conclusions about life, themselves or some situation. They’ve been thinking thoughts on a variety of subjects that are grossly inaccurate. And they’ve felt increasingly awful-feeling emotions along the way.
So suicidal thoughts usually indicate a strong momentum of negative thinking (long held beliefs) leading to feeling unworthy, powerless, hopeless and depression; all emotions signaling immediate action is needed.
People generally panic or they double down when such thoughts happen because they don’t know how they happened or where they come from. So they don’t know what to do when they show up (that’s powerlessness), which exacerbates their feeling out of control (that’s helplessness). That triggers more fear and powerlessness and lack of control. See how that momentum builds up?
But such thoughts can be reversed with very little effort.
What happens after the act
A hopeless or depressed person who kills themselves ends up where everyone else who dies ends up. They return to where they came, a place I call “nonphysical”. There, they remember everything they forgot when they became human. They remember they are an eternal being. Their awareness expands back into the Broader Perspective that guided them while in a physical body. They realize there’s far more to what they are than life on earth.
They also return to the pure positive, joyful energy being that is their natural state. In that state they also realize something else. They get that their exit from the life trajectory they chose was premature. They also see that, like a bad dream, experiences they feared were of their own making. A path they created that, had they kept walking, would have improved.
Human life experience offers so much rich and satisfying opportunity. It literally changes the being experiencing it in profound ways. It does the same for everyone involved.
The experience offers such profound opportunity, a being standing in nonphysical finds it irresistible. That’s why so many humans and other living creatures incarnate.
Post-suicide, these realizations deeply move the person. They remember the profound reason they chose human existence. That reason compels them so completely, they find themselves drawn right back into another body to resume the process they began. The process leading to profound transformation and elevation.
This doesn’t happen against their will. The happening happens because the being, the eternal being, knows what this experience offers. And it wants that.
A temporary fix at best
So suicide offers at best a temporary respite from a chronic series of interpretations that ran counter to what really happened. Instead of seeing their life unfolding in a beautiful, perfect, divinely-timed unfolding designed by them, they saw it as an awful experience over which they had no control.
Such distorted interpretations usually don’t lead to suicide. Otherwise far more people would kill themselves than do. Suicide happens less frequently because, most of the time, human consciousness, guided by its Broader Perspective enjoys an underlying propensity towards “good”. Inner guidance steps in well before the train gets near careening off its track.
Transgender people who commit suicide are no exception. Pain they experience before the act is self-generated. Taking one’s life releases the person from pain. But not from the joyful path they took on. Suicide represents a short detour before returning to finish what they started.
Suicidal thinking’s great potential
Killing one’s self looks bad and wrong and scary. But it’s none of these things. At worse, it’s a temporary detour. At best, it offers a reset for the eternal individual. A chance to recover that awesome awareness state from which the human journey began.
Ultimately, all paths lead to fulfilled desire and expansion of All That Is. No one need experience emotions leading to suicide. Such thoughts usually resolve themselves with just a little attention paid to creating other thoughts aligned with one’s Broader Perspective.
People thinking about killing themselves possess tremendous energy. Such people can transform then channel that energy towards their desires. In other words, a person contemplating suicide enjoys tremendous potential.
I help people learn to channel that energy. I show them how to improve their story telling. After that anything becomes possible. That’s what life holds for everyone. Unlimited possibilities available to all. That’s what makes life so worth living.
I think anyone would enjoy that. Why wouldn’t they? Because most people don’t realize how good life can be. I love helping folks realize life’s goodness.