Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.
Dear The Transamorous Network,
I’ve been on the site and after I put a reply to the topic of being trans attracted while being married, I looked at some earlier exchanges, most notably from two cisgender women who are wives of men who are trans attracted. Their responses were striking. It made me question my place in this community because I do not share some of the sentiments. Yes, I do have the shared attraction to trans women, however I am not in a situation where my wife doesn’t fulfill my needs. Nor do I compare my wife to trans women. My attraction to trans women is just that, an attraction. I’ve noticed this about myself, however I have no desire to act on it. I also have an attraction to Asian women and have for years, however again, I have no desire to act on that either nor do I compare my wife to Asian women. I do not judge the men who feel differently and I do not consider myself any better than them, but I am beginning to question as to if this is the right community because my opinion on this matter may not be received well. I feel that some may jump to the conclusion that I may be in some moral high ground based in religion, however that couldn’t be farther from the truth because I am an Atheist and proud to be. My opinion about this topic is MY opinion and I wouldn’t want anyone to perceive that everyone should feel the same way. It’s just that I’ve been on the receiving end of comparison by someone that I’ve trust my heart to and it only adds to the self-hatred. So I totally empathize with [The women] from [the comments section] and I feel bad that they are going through what they are describing. Anyway, thanks for listening.
Austin
Dear Austin,
Thanks for your letter/email. Yes, the responses from cis women who discovered their husbands were/are trans attracted are striking. No doubt about that. That said, their comments have nothing to do with or have anything to say about whether or not you have a “place” in the “community” that is The Transamorous Network.
Just because there are divergent opinions doesn’t mean one opinion is better than the other. Nor does it mean that one opinion gets to say whether or not another opinion belongs. You have contributed greatly to the conversation and I would encourage you to continue to do so.
Who cares if somebody jumps to the conclusion that you have some sort of moral high ground? Isn’t that their story? That has nothing to do with whether you actually do or not. Or whether you believe you do or not.
What people are going through is what they’re going through. The women complaining about their husbands likely have a lot more happening than their men being trans-attracted.
What they’re going through is a result of the stories they are telling themselves. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind that both woman knew what they were getting into at some level. It may not have been conscious of it, but they knew. That’s because everyone is a match to whoever they’re meeting. If this weren’t accurate, then what I share with clients would not work.
But what I show my clients does work, 100 percent of the time. So it must be accurate that wives of trans-attracted men, at some level, knew about their husband’s trans attraction.
The fact that they are blaming their husbands just shows how much they continue concealing what they knew from themselves.
Stick around. Or not. Either way do it from an empowered place, not from feeling you must leave because others aren’t happy with what you share.
TTN
As a 64-year-old heterosexual, libertarian-conservative man, I see the rise of trans-attraction in heterosexual men as a positive trend. It may have the curative effect of reducing the violent rage in incels. It will dilute the misogyny that so many women complain about.
Surely a lot of women will grieve that so many of the men they would want for themselves have given up on relationships with cisgender women and choose to bond romantically and sexually with transgender women.
While is a better thing that a would-be Eliot Rogers would set aside his rage against women and become a lover to a transgender woman instead of going on a murderous rampage because he would have found the romantic love and sexual fulfillment with a transgender woman and that would eliminate the motivation to do violence, several otherwise unfulfilled men will probably copy that example and choose for themselves lovers from the transgender community – it will come with a price. The pool of men for single women will shrink significantly.
I guess that in this world of ours, you just have to take the good with the bad.
Interesting ideas, but there doesn’t seem to be any evidence that Eliot Rogers or any incels are trans attracted. I think he would have faced the same rejection he got from cis women. Because his sense of rejection was coming from within himself.
I would say transgender women have a much higher standard of the kind of men they’re looking for. Especially highly attractive ones. It’s possible there’s an overlap between the two groups: trans attraction, and in cells. But I don’t think that overlap if it exists, is very large. I think most incels are strictly heterosexual, which is why their beef is with cis gender women.