Destroying the chaser/fetish trans trope

Photo by Mercedes Mehling on Unsplash

Once I talked with a frustrated trans man. We interviewed him actually. He lamented how “dick centric” the gay community is and how gay men with vaginas have hard times dating. Or even having sex.

Gay men aren’t the only ones with a dick-centrism problem. A certain negative dick-centrism also dictates (dick-tates?) the transgender dating world’s focus on “chasers”: fetish men, presumably seeking casual encounters with “pre operative” trans women.

The Transamorous Network is central to this chaser conversation. The transgender community’s strong attachment and revulsion to “chaser behavior” may stem from a deep and equal revulsion some transgender women have about their pre-operative parts.

Don’t get me wrong: not all transgender women are so repulsed. But some are. Some men are too. A woman with a penis, for some men, just doesn’t compute. But for others, it’s as normal as anything.

We get emails from time to time from these men. Men who are shamed into obscurity for their attraction to women with penises. And men who are proud of their attraction. I know there are trans women too who have no qualms having a penis.

But the negative dick-centric narrative among transgender community members appears to be monopolized by those vocal trans women who may revile their penis. Then project their revulsion on to men who find women with penises desirable. Despite the vocal cries, these men’s desire is not dick centric. Well, it can be. At first.

But many men get past that, finding their trans-attraction a huge gift. Trans women are beautiful, smart, strong, and powerful after all.

It’s because of one such man that I’m writing this post. He made a comment today on one of our more popular, timeless posts on our website. His comment is so good, rather than paraphrase it, I’m pasting it here in its entirety. It does a great job making the case (and winning it, IMO) that women with penises are perfectly normal and men who love such women are too.

Why is it that only one type of preference in a woman’s genitalia is a fetish? A man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a penis has a fetish but a man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a vagina does not have a fetish? What’s the difference?

Are the men who are attracted to women with vaginas healthy and normal (since they don’t have a fetish) while those who desire a woman with a penis deviants and abnormal?

Given an attractive pre-op trans woman, many cis men would initially be attracted to her. However the vast majority of them will cease to have any interest in her once they know that she has a penis. Sad but true.

The men who remain attracted to her because she has a penis are then labeled as chasers with a fetish. Also sad and also true.

So who does that leave as potential mates for the transgender woman? The ideal man to whom genitalia is absolutely irrelevant when choosing a partner? While I aspire to be such a man, I do not believe that many of them exist in our present level of evolution. I have yet to meet the man that truly doesn’t care what is between a woman’s legs. Again, sad but true.

By labeling any man who is attracted to a woman with a penis as a chaser with a fetish, pre-op transgender women eliminate the entire pool of men who might be attracted to them. Who’s left?

I am not saying that men only care about what is between a woman’s legs in choosing a mate. However what is between her legs determines whether a man will even take the next step to get to know her. The fact is, the vast majority of men will dismiss a pre-op transgender woman without knowing anything else about her. For them, she has a penis, that’s it, end of discussion.

Why, then, should we eliminate the men who want to take the time to get to know a pre-op transgender woman and learn if there is a mental and spiritual connection? Nope, those guys have a fetish! They want a woman with a penis! Out they go!

One last question. As a pre-op transgender woman, why wouldn’t you want a guy who wants you exactly the way you are? I am in a relationship with a transgender woman who has never had any surgery nor taken any hormones. I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but then again, I must be a man with a fetish.

It’s interesting that many men who come into their transamory eventually begin thinking these kinds of thoughts, thoughts which broaden their perspective.

Our realities are created through thoughts we think. No thought is off limits. If you believe your penis is something you must get rid of in order to feel integrated, then go for it.

But there may be a thought you may not be aware of driving such desires: thoughts society wants you to think. Thoughts which define for us what being a woman is. I choose to choose my own definition as well as my own thoughts. So do many trans-attracted men.

I’m not suggesting every transgender woman keep their penis. I am suggesting that the transgender community is doing itself a great disservice by vilifying men who think trans women who have penises are marvelous. I would say this man agrees.

The path to expressing our leadership as members of the transgender community begins with letting go of self-loathing. That’s exactly what the “chaser” trope expresses. Let it go.

39 Replies to “Destroying the chaser/fetish trans trope”

  1. I also wanna post these things–successes: my conversation here:
    Shannyn Martin
    1 year ago
    This is such a positive video 🙂 thank you for making this! I’ve gotten to a point in my transition where I actually kind of love having a penis. I used to be embarrassed of it, and I would instinctively keep it covered when I had sexual encounters with men. However, I recently met someone who I adore– he happens to be a bottom, and he loves every part of my body, including my penis. He likes for me to top him, but he doesn’t see me as any less feminine, and I don’t see him as any less masculine. Slowly I began to realize that I never hated having a penis, I just worried about what other people thought, and finding someone who affirmed me that way gave me the space to realize that I like my penis, too. I like that it makes me different, and I accept and embrace the category of woman I fall into as a transsexual with a penis. and here’s the video where that comment is: . I’ve seen from my own… fetish-driven reserch all trans girls need to follow suit. being verse is a balance… until you can get to that point… you’ll never be whole. here’s a top who admits to the opposite issue: .

    1. I’d be really careful trying to convince people to see things the way you do. Saying “I’ve seen from my own… fetish-driven reserch all trans girls need to follow suit.” No, not all trans girls “need to follow suit.” Their experience is there’s and they’re not coming into the world to please anyone but themselves. Some are going to find enjoyment in having a penis, like this girl. Some won’t. Again, you’re not a crusade to change these girl’s minds. You’re here to LOVE them. The ones who match you. Leave the others alone. I mean, really, if you can rendezvous with a girl like Shannyn, why not focus on that success instead of trying to convince all trans girls to be like her?

      1. That had nothing to do with me at all. That’s just what I’ve seen from the stories and stats that I’ve seen. The flip side to those stories are regret, depression and suicide– the surgery is known destroy the girl. You can find those stats and stories anywhere. Here’s one of many that I know about: this is very common as I tried to warn one trans girl YouTuber named Lee Francis… It was As I warned… And she was destroying herself to make the money for the surgery. I also warned her that those additional surgeons were the doctors just milking more money out of her… Surprise, surprise… As for misspelling… Try not resting for over 14 years straight.

        1. There certainly are transgender “people“ who regret transitioning. That includes transgender women. But, you’re going to find evidence of everything you’re looking for. I think the evidence is overwhelming that the number of transgender women who get a vagina feel more affirmed relative to how they feel themselves to be than those who regret getting the process. So while there are some who regret the decision, I think many, many more find satisfaction and joy in that choice. Ultimately, this is a very intimate, private choice a person makes. I, personally, don’t believe it is a man’s purview to be involved with that decision, even if that person, the man, is in a relationship with the woman. It is the woman’s body. She gets to choose, and no one else. She can ask for an opinion, but ultimately, it’s her choice.

          And, you are right. There are doctors out there, unscrupulous ones, who are doing it for the money. But they are equally doctors who are doing it to truly and sincerely benefit people who are struggling. It’s a mixed match right? There’s a little bit of everything in the world. I say, focus on the little bits I want and watch that, expand in my life, rather than trying to convince people to see the world my way. I can offer my opinion, but, more likely than not, I’m going to get slapped in the face if I try to convince someone how to live.

          1. It does have to do with you in the sense that you are interested in the topic. As a result, you are attracting information associated or connected to your interest. I’m in the process of reading this study. It’s very good information. As the study (the one you link to) says, studies that have come before it show that at least 80% of those who go through the process report positive outcomes. But this study does list the shortcomings of those previous studies. So this study does offer some new insights.

            Again, however, the question must be asked: why are you wanting to change or influence a transgender woman’s perspective relative to a decision she considers to be hers and hers alone? In other words, is your approach truly to provide beneficial feedback, or information? Or, are you interested in changing these women’s minds for some purpose that benefits you?

            I’m not blaming you. Many people do that. I’m just suggesting that you look at the real reasons why you are wanting to inform Transwomen about this information. Because it is your approach, not the information itself, that causes the reactions you are receiving. After all, many of these women probably don’t even look at the information you’re sharing. They’re just responding to who you’re being. Better said, they are responding to the version of you that they are experiencing. That’s the biggest problem. So in a large way, it does have nothing to do with you. But you’re still going to interact or attract women, Transwomen, who probably don’t want to hear what you have to offer. That’s why you’re getting the response you’re getting.

          2. Thank you so much for sending this study. It is really quite interesting to read. It indicates a significant increase in the risk of suicide and mental illness post SRS. However, the study makes it clear that there are shortcomings in their study approach. Those are worth paying attention to. Nevertheless, it does seem logical that women who undergo this process would be unsatisfied. The study does suggest that continued psychological support for the patient will help reduce such problems. And, improvement in the processes themselves appears to be having an effect as well.

            All that being said, I do agree with you: it is better, I think, for a transgender person to not get SRS, if the reason for getting the procedure is to soothe mental disharmony. Nevertheless, there are people who benefit greatly from the process. So it really boils down to a case by case issue. An issue that must be decided by the individual, not someone like you or me, who have natural self interests in the decision. Does that make sense?

          3. Dude. I totally agree with you. It is very high risk with a very low reward IN MY OPINION. But that’s only my opinion. Another person, such as a transgender woman, may not agree with my opinion. And that has to be OK for me, because I’m not the one who’s going under the knife. She is.

          4. Would you mind sharing your real name? I would feel more comfortable using that than “ghostface“.

            Thanks for including these links. However, both of these links refer to an individual’s singular experience. The “medical news” one talks about a person who detransitioned and then got “hundreds“ of responses the person claims were also people seeking detransition resources.

            I wonder if you are thinking critically about this or are you just forwarding your own agenda. This is why I keep asking you what your core intents are.

            For example, I did some quick research on the Internet to put into context, the numbers of people your links suggest detransition. It is an EXTREMELY LOW NUMBER compared to the total number who transition, and compared to the total number of people who are SATISFIED with their transition decisions. Here’s one example of a article with lots of links to reputable research attesting to this fact:


            It also includes a very interesting table showing why people detransition. It’s worth looking at for the table alone. People don’t detransition in every case because they regret their decision. In fact, that’s a very, very low percentage of the number of people who reversed their transition.

            In short, when you’re doing research on this, you have to be critical about what you’re looking at. You have to look at both sides of the argument. I liked the study you linked to earlier. And I wondered what the weaknesses of the study were. I’m glad the researchers included a section on that and I agree with those inherent biases. I’m not saying you’re not being critical. But the support links you’re sending only reference a single example of an anecdotal experience within which the person is talking about anecdotal responses they’re getting. Of course such people are going to get responses from people who agree with them.

            Meanwhile, there are articles like the one I shared above which speak much more accurately, I think, about what’s going on with regard to detransition therapies. I think you might find this helpful as you work to make the world a better place.

        1. Yes. We are all out to make the world a better place. I think that is the honorable intention we all share. However, it’s not so simple. Some people come to wanting to make the world a better place from a position of insecurity, anger, resentfulness, victimhood, and rage. I don’t know your politics, but I would suggest you can understand what I’m saying here when you think about, for example, extreme right leaning Republicans, who see the world as needing changing, and raging because of that, and therefore are trying to change things with violence, vitriol, and attacks verbally, and otherwise. It really is about intent. And intent can be multi layered.

          So if a person, whether trans or trans attracted, is wanting to create “a better world“, but is doing so, for example, and it may be a poor one, like a far right Republican, in other words, filled with rage, victimization, insecurity, and anger, they are going to be much less effective in their effort to create a better world. And they will get a far different reaction than someone who is not coming from that emotional place. Is this making sense?

          Extreme example here: consider the difference in the world-changing activities and influence of Hitler and Gandhi, or Jesus. I think this is a really good example that shows starkly the difference in intent, the associated experiences of the actor, and the outcomes created, the lasting outcomes.

          When I watch the video you linked to here, it is so obvious the trans woman here is approaching what she’s saying, with a high level of compassion and understanding, and of experience with men, the kind of man she’s talking about. It’s question all about the internal intent that’s emanating from the person who’s acting. So, I must ask the question: what is your intent? What is your emotional state when you attempt to change a Transwomen‘s mind? That’s really the question.

          Intent is harder to get from the written word than it is to get from a video or spoken word. So, when writing, to communicate, you have to be far more cautious of what you’re saying, and how you’re saying it, if you want the result that you want. Does this make sense?

          Really, I think the woman on the YouTube channel you who deleted your comments really was picking up your intent, but it was also mixed with her own intent, so the version of you she created was consistent with her intent, which is about protecting herself from “typical“ men she meets. This is long and complicated, but the circumstances, the context is involved and complicated. Hopefully this is shedding some light.

          1. It’s never about blame. And there are never any victims. It’s all about what the intent is and knowing that whatever intent you put out will get reflected back to you. That’s about as far as I can go on this without you being a client because you don’t have the background necessary to understand what more I would say.

            It’s not that I’m trying to be arrogant. It’s that I know a lot about what I’m talking about. And, when my clients implement what I share in their lives, their lives get better. So that must mean what I’m sharing with them works. Which means it is accurate.

            There are no victims. There’s no one to blame. Everyone creates their reality, no exceptions. That includes you. This is why I keep asking you what your core intentions are. Because those get reflected back to you in the results you get. Including people who attack you.

    2. What I like most about this comment is this: I’ve been holding my own stories, purely and consistently relative to what I’m wanting in a partner. And here, through your comment, is the universe, giving me evidence of what I already know: that there are plenty of transgender women out there, who accept every aspect of who they are, including their penis. The other great thing about your comment is it comes at a time when I am allowing the universe to show me what to write about for my blog. So here you are giving me two really wonderful examples that I’m going to write about in my next couple of blogs. So, thank you for participating in the unfolding that is my life! 🙏🏾

  2. and until this is excepted… no progress can ever happen… certainly not on any grand scale. I was having a conversation with one trans girl–trying to help her understand our own transition… offered a sex game that would show her 1st hand… her response was: ” I’m not aiding in your warped , twisted and hypocritical obsession with trans women. Trans women are more than their genitalia and how they sex. I’m a fully developed women and mind….. Coming at me with unsolicited sex talk is an immediate turn off! Trust me, I was onto to you days ago.” which is just more of the same attitude as you talk about… you can see the whole convo here: and tell me if I deserved that hatred.

    1. this is only going to go 1 of 2 ways; they will either alter their way of thinking and attempt to understand men better and vastly improving their own lives… or, they can continue to treat the men who like them like shit, destroy their bodies and undo any effort by men and cause the men who were formally transphobic to only become transphobic again… by their own hands… and only their own hands… rendering videos like what I posted before utterly useless as no man will bother to listen… well, certainly not a cis man, anyway. we might still enjoy them through porn and such… but, we’ll have no incentive to go any further. will they turn the corner as the men that were transphobic did or not? it doesn’t look promising as things stand.

        1. “Villain” is a strong word. This person is just expressing her preferences. You don’t fit in her preferences. That’s not being villainous. It’s her focusing on what she wants.

          1. Everyone deserves what they put out. If I’m getting attacked, it’s likely I have within me judgement, anger and frustration. So my world shows me what’s inside me by reflecting that back to me. No exceptions. So yes, everyone deserves exactly what they get. Whether they suffer or not.

          2. I couldn’t disagree with you more. no one deserves to be attacked for merely expressing their views in a respectful manner.

          3. Of course you are free to disagree. The people I work with as clients understand a level of background you don’t have. So I don’t blame you or fault you for disagreeing.

            But there is no logical reason, based on the work I offer to clients, why an experience someone experiences is not their own creation. In other words, there are no victims. Everything a person experiences an experience they have selected for specific purposes. But it’s really hard to except or understand that if you don’t have the background.

            So, yes, everyone “deserves” what they get in their life. I understand it’s hard to except when you are on the receiving end of negative experience. That doesn’t change what I know to be. What I know, and what my clients know.

          4. so, I deserved to be abused as a child? trans girls deserve to be killed? wives deserve to be beaten? girls deserved to be raped? sorry but no.

          5. Yes, this is a very common set of questions I get from new clients. But I’m telling you with authority, after the clients understand the context within which this material on this blog is offered. They understand what you’re not understanding here. Everyone creates their reality, no exceptions. But you cannot understand this if you don’t have the context, the explanation as to why people experience experience is like the ones you mentioned here.

          6. the condescension was lost on me. I’d like to know how you would expect a child to control the situation that foced him to be with an abusive relative.

          7. No situation is forced on anyone. I presume you read the post. As I said in a previous comment, you don’t have the background, or the experience created by using that background to understand how a child is capable of controlling such an experience. But my clients do. The benefit of the experience and the background is, clients stop being victims and give up disempowering beliefs such as “situations are forced on children”, or “I don’t deserve this abuse”. From there, they become ultra powerful. For if everyone creates their reality, that means they can create any reality they want, which means they can have anything they desire. But if a person believes things can be forced on them against their will, well, then victimhood, disempowerment, anger, frustration, and even rage and depression become their life experience. And so, as I said Ghostface, you get people attacking you because you believe life gives people things they don’t deserve. You get angry people coming at you because you yourself hold anger and insecurity in you. So when you try to express what you believe is so, you project or emanate that insecurity out, which draws to you people in similar states. I can tell you how a child can totally eliminate such a situation. But you won’t understand it if I do. Instead of hearing the answer, you’ll probably call it as you called the article: “condescension”.

          8. You may not be as as great as you think. In any case, I see no further reason to argue with you on this. I’m done here.

      1. That game was the key into the minds of trans attracted men. It wasn’t the sex that I wanted her to see but the feeling and the emotions. The game is called WVM. I used that very same game to change the mind of a former transphobe. I got the sense that she wasn’t really interested in talking to me very early on when she avoided my question about rather a man who having sex with a cis woman was either gay or bi. She asked me if I felt most men who are attracted to trans girls would have sex with a cis man. The answer was obviously no. I was then gonna ask about men who are having sex with trans men.

          1. Thanks but could you please make it “that were”? That’s how it was how it was supposed to read. Look, I had no interest in making her uncomfortable but I’ve learned that for progress to happen–,we have to be willing to leave our comfort zone… As you yourself very well know.

    2. I didn’t see the last part of your comment asking whether you deserved the response you got. OF COURSE YOU DID. Everybody “deserves” what they get because what they get reflects what they have going on inside them. Are you really compassionately coming out these women? Or are you making them “wrong“ and “villainous”? These are questions worth asking.

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