Once I talked with a frustrated trans man. We interviewed him actually. He lamented how “dick centric” the gay community is and how gay men with vaginas have hard times dating. Or even having sex.
Gay men aren’t the only ones with a dick-centrism problem. A certain negative dick-centrism also dictates (dick-tates?) the transgender dating world’s focus on “chasers”: fetish men, presumably seeking casual encounters with “pre operative” trans women.
The Transamorous Network is central to this chaser conversation. The transgender community’s strong attachment and revulsion to “chaser behavior” may stem from a deep and equal revulsion some transgender women have about their pre-operative parts.
Don’t get me wrong: not all transgender women are so repulsed. But some are. Some men are too. A woman with a penis, for some men, just doesn’t compute. But for others, it’s as normal as anything.
We get emails from time to time from these men. Men who are shamed into obscurity for their attraction to women with penises. And men who are proud of their attraction. I know there are trans women too who have no qualms having a penis.
But the negative dick-centric narrative among transgender community members appears to be monopolized by those vocal trans women who may revile their penis. Then project their revulsion on to men who find women with penises desirable. Despite the vocal cries, these men’s desire is not dick centric. Well, it can be. At first.
But many men get past that, finding their trans-attraction a huge gift. Trans women are beautiful, smart, strong, and powerful after all.
It’s because of one such man that I’m writing this post. He made a comment today on one of our more popular, timeless posts on our website. His comment is so good, rather than paraphrase it, I’m pasting it here in its entirety. It does a great job making the case (and winning it, IMO) that women with penises are perfectly normal and men who love such women are too.
Why is it that only one type of preference in a woman’s genitalia is a fetish? A man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a penis has a fetish but a man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a vagina does not have a fetish? What’s the difference?
Are the men who are attracted to women with vaginas healthy and normal (since they don’t have a fetish) while those who desire a woman with a penis deviants and abnormal?
Given an attractive pre-op trans woman, many cis men would initially be attracted to her. However the vast majority of them will cease to have any interest in her once they know that she has a penis. Sad but true.
The men who remain attracted to her because she has a penis are then labeled as chasers with a fetish. Also sad and also true.
So who does that leave as potential mates for the transgender woman? The ideal man to whom genitalia is absolutely irrelevant when choosing a partner? While I aspire to be such a man, I do not believe that many of them exist in our present level of evolution. I have yet to meet the man that truly doesn’t care what is between a woman’s legs. Again, sad but true.
By labeling any man who is attracted to a woman with a penis as a chaser with a fetish, pre-op transgender women eliminate the entire pool of men who might be attracted to them. Who’s left?
I am not saying that men only care about what is between a woman’s legs in choosing a mate. However what is between her legs determines whether a man will even take the next step to get to know her. The fact is, the vast majority of men will dismiss a pre-op transgender woman without knowing anything else about her. For them, she has a penis, that’s it, end of discussion.
Why, then, should we eliminate the men who want to take the time to get to know a pre-op transgender woman and learn if there is a mental and spiritual connection? Nope, those guys have a fetish! They want a woman with a penis! Out they go!
One last question. As a pre-op transgender woman, why wouldn’t you want a guy who wants you exactly the way you are? I am in a relationship with a transgender woman who has never had any surgery nor taken any hormones. I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but then again, I must be a man with a fetish.
It’s interesting that many men who come into their transamory eventually begin thinking these kinds of thoughts, thoughts which broaden their perspective.
Our realities are created through thoughts we think. No thought is off limits. If you believe your penis is something you must get rid of in order to feel integrated, then go for it.
But there may be a thought you may not be aware of driving such desires: thoughts society wants you to think. Thoughts which define for us what being a woman is. I choose to choose my own definition as well as my own thoughts. So do many trans-attracted men.
I’m not suggesting every transgender woman keep their penis. I am suggesting that the transgender community is doing itself a great disservice by vilifying men who think trans women who have penises are marvelous. I would say this man agrees.
The path to expressing our leadership as members of the transgender community begins with letting go of self-loathing. That’s exactly what the “chaser” trope expresses. Let it go.