Misgendered: A Great Opportunity For Love Not Hate

(Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

The easiest way to get someone to stop misgendering you involves loving that person when they do it. Especially when parents misgender you. Here’s why we advocate this approach at The Transamorous Network.

Parents stick to misgendering their trans kids because they think they’re right. Nearly all people think they’re right about what they think they know. Another reason they do it involves pain. They don’t want to be wrong. Being wrong feels painful.

Parents think they know more than their children do. They’re wrong, but remember, they think they’re right and being wrong feels painful. Besides, they don’t want to believe the person they love is not the person they thought the person was.

Changing in front of children is hard

Acknowledging your identity also confronts their social standing and that’s hard for old people. No one likes losing face and old people really don’t. Your parents not only must confront their own judgements, they must also face their peers’ judgments too.

That’s tough. Misgendering you let’s them live in la la land. There they’re right and they save face. That’s a lot keeping your mom and dad misgendering you.

Parents also find socially embarrassing and humiliating being judged when in public. They care a LOT about what other people think about them. For some, their whole identity depends on what others think about them. For others, their entire career depends on it.

So parents face tremendous pressure when a child declares themselves trans.

We’re not making excuses for your parents. We’re showing you how to get what you want from them: You want them to use proper pronouns and call you by the name matching who you are.

Parents, especially older ones think they know everything. Your trans status usually confronts everything they think they know. So you must be the adult. Because they can’t. They’re too triggered. (Photo by CDC on Unsplash)

But it’s all about them…not you

Notice what happens when you resist when they misgender you: They double down, refuse your wishes, disown you or you them. Why? Because they’re defending themselves, their stories and their world view. For a while, these things are more important than a relationship with you.

All that means NOTHING about you. It’s all about them. Notice too the more you push against their world view, the more they resist you. In our vernacular, here is what happens when you resist what they do.

First, you reinforce many stories you have about your parents, which sets up future repeat experiences of what you’re resisting. You know this when you feel negative when they do what you don’t like.

Second, your parents resist your resistance, which creates in their world repeat experiences too. So you both cooperate in creating new experiences just like existing ones. Experiences neither you nor them enjoys.

This is why your parents misgendering you won’t stop until you stop resisting what they do. Of course, they could stop resisting who you really are. But, ironically, you’re the adult in this case. Not your parents. So you must make the first move.

A real example speaks volumes

A transgender client asked us why her parents kept misgendering her recently. I told her exactly what you’re reading. I said because she keeps resisting when they do it.

The most recent time happened in a social event. Her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. They did it in front of everyone. My client was embarrassed because she puts a lot of weight on what other people think about her.

The next day, a relative approached my client. “I can’t believe your parents did that in front of everybody!” this relative said. “It makes me so angry when they do that! They know you’re trans, why do they keep doing it?”

When my client told me what her relative said and how angry he was, I told my client “You don’t want to be listening to this person. Hearing this person’s stories and making them your own will just create more situations between you and your parents where they will misgender you.”

“Instead,” I said. “You should love your parents. Look for everything they do to support you. Find things you like about them. Focus on those things. When they misgender you, pretend it didn’t happen!”

My client laughed at first. She didn’t understand how doing this would work.

When you push against what you don’t like you’re setting yourself up for more of what you don’t like. That creates a lot of cray-cray on all sides. Instead, find good things about where you are and watch where you are change. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Here’s why it works

It works because whatever you look at will get bigger in your life. Whatever you look at that you feel emotional about will get bigger, faster in your life. So when you keep looking at, and get angry about ANYONE who misgenders you, you’re essentially saying “Universe, give me more of this!”

I told my client this and she said she understood.

But when she came to the next session she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened.

She had a telephone conversation with her mom. While on the phone, her relative’s complaints about her mom popped up in her head. Then she heard my voice in her head telling her not to heed her relative’s stories. But she also felt the pull of that negative story about her mom.

So instead of looking for things love-worthy in her mom she followed impulses that came from her relative’s negative stories.

“Mom,” she said. “I hope you can hear me when I say this. It really hurts me when you don’t use the correct pronouns. It also hurts me when you call me by my old name. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Like a match to gasoline…

Exactly as I described above, her mom got defensive instead of listening to what my client said. She didn’t hear a word my client said. Here’s what she did hear:

  • You’re wrong
  • You’re bad
  • I know better than you
  • Do what I say!
  • Your values are wrong
  • Your beliefs are wrong

Is it any surprise what happened next? Her mom got defensive, then angry, then went into a rage. She attacked my client (remember this is a phone call). In response, my client lost her cool and attacked back.

My client’s mom had the phone on speaker and her husband (my client’s step father) also jumped in. Of course he defended his wife. That’s natural, right?

My client said she said things to her mom she regrets saying. She also said her mom said things she’s never said to my client before. The phone call happened three days ago. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Your anger at those who misgender you acts as a match to gasoline. The fire just gets hotter…until you learn the better way. That learning needn’t be as hard as it is though. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Lesson learned the hard way

My client left the conversation extremely hurt. But it was all good because she realized through that very painful experience the accuracy of how this work works.

You just cannot get what you want when you focus on what you don’t want. Focusing on what you don’t want just gives you more of that.

So if you want someone to stop misgendering you, you can’t react negatively when they do it. Instead, you must find things to appreciate about the person. When someone misgenders you, you must talk yourself out of negative reactions. Then find positive things to say that cause you to feel good.

Until you do, until you learn to master your emotional responses to events, you just keep getting more practice. Practice which looks like people misgendering you!

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But try it. You’ll find in short order that those who refuse to accept who you are will change. Then you’ve mastered your happiness.

It will take longer for loved ones only because you’ve got persistent stories about them, about how they are, and you think you’re right about that. But even persistent beliefs can change.

And when your beliefs change, everything else does too.

I See Greatness Every Time I Poop

greatness insta
Photo by visuals on Unsplash

Mirrors are amazing things.  We take their symbolic awesomeness for granted.  Every day, we stand in front of our bathroom mirrors and miss the greatness they’re showing us.

In some cultures, mirrors are spiritual icons.  They’re featured prominently in legends of all kinds.  In Japan, for example, the mirror holds a prominent place in many household shrines.  A mirror was one of three sacred objects given to Japan’s first emperor by the Sun Goddess Amaterasu’s grandson.  Mirrors in ancient Japan represented truth because they reflected only what stood before them.  They were a source of much mystique and reverence (being uncommon items) in that time.  Today in Japan they symbolize wisdom.

I used to not make that connection when I visit my bathroom mirror. Not any more. After doing my business and washing my hands, I look in the mirror and see the center of the universe, the creator, looking back at me. I know through my stories I create the world I want to live in.

When you look in your mirror, what does it tell you?  Does it remind you of your flaws, things about you that must be covered up or altered before you can comfortably greet the day?

Or does it remind you that you are the only one creating your life experience day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year into your glorious life experience?  Is your mirror encounter positive or negative? What stories does it reflect back at you?

Mirrors can inspire your best. Or they can evoke stories about yourself that trigger shame, embarrassment, fear, insecurity.  I wonder how many tell stories while standing in front of their bathroom sink which conjure the latter.

Telling stories that have us feel small and insignificant and fearful about ourselves is what makes us look outside ourselves, expecting others to come up with answers we need to feel good about ourselves, when all along, the answers lie in our stories, not theirs.

How Getting What You Want Works

Editors note: we’re borrowing this story from our sister organization Positively Focused because it is so good.

My 1:1 clients show how easy getting what they want is. After just five sessions, the Universe demonstrated to KJ here how he creates his own reality, thereby getting what he wanted – a table saw – in the most delightful way.

I know, and my clients are increasingly knowing, when I tell stories about things the way I want to see them, my life shapes itself to those better story versions.

But it’s not magic. There’s a process. Once mastered, it makes living fun. KJ here is on the way to mastery.

I know everyone can live life happy. Everyone can have all they want. By telling the right stories, one realizes life is supposed to be not only fun, but also include desire after desire being fulfilled. I show my clients how to have this kind of life.

Doing this is fun for me because I have this life. I love seeing the Universe, acting to confirm my stories, as it coordinates events so that everything I want, large and small, comes into my reality.

“Everything” includes clients who love this way of living, like KJ here, coming into my life so we can play together as we both get what we want.

Transgender woman gets her wishes

This transgender woman who lives in rural America got her dream job, a ton of boys and more…it’s all so fun…and with little effort on her part, she says. Hear it in her own (unscripted) words.

At The Transamorous Network, we work with our clients so they get the love they want, the jobs they want, the love they want. But the most important thing we do with our clients is show them how to find and maintain joyful lives. That comes from telling the right stories. And when a person does that, no barrier stands between the person and their desiress.

We guarantee you’ll find the love of your life. Where you live, what you look like, what you are, doesn’t matter. We guarantee it because we know it works. So do our clients, such as “Joslin” here. Want that dream girl or guy? Get your stories right. We’ll show you how.

I Was That Guy. I Am That Guy Still.

Untitled_Artwork blog
Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

I was that guy. I’m still that guy.

Confused. Well not confused, conflicted. That’s a better word. I was very clear about what I was thinking back then…but also conflicted.

Conflicted because I believed society (friends, family, strangers too) would shame me if it knew me. Conflicted because I wanted to be myself, but feared I’d lose my job if people knew.

I knew I was “not straight”.

That’s a terrible way to tell that story. Because it puts the “straight” story at center of everything. As if being “straight” is the same as “normal”.

It’s not.

A better way is to say I have a strong story (among many strong stories) about transgender women being highly attractive.

I felt this way for some time. I was exploring it when I was younger. Back then it felt dangerous. Men, you know what I mean.

I also felt self-shame about it. Back then, I was, like a lot of people, really worried about what others thought of me. I was afraid of being myself because being myself was not acceptable according to what I saw and read. Back then I didn’t know my life experience comes from my stories. I believed what others thought about me was important.

It’s not.

Nevertheless, my shame came from those beliefs. Those stories also shaped my life experience. A life experience in which I only had access to things -– people and events – that confirmed those stories.

The emotion I felt – the shame – was telling me something important. Back then, I didn’t know what that was.

Now I do.


Although I never did it simultaneously with dating someone, I did do it in between partners. I saw these trans sex workers under cover of darkness. Or in my own home at night.

There’s one story about someone I want to share. I recently got reacquainted with it. This is going to be deep.

It has to do with dating what I thought at the time was a cis woman and how our experience together shaped the ensuing 20 years for both of us. That person may still be cis. I don’t know. I’ve never asked.

• • •

One evening long ago, a winter storm struck where I live. Three to four feet of snow blanketed everything. My best friend at the time and I went out in it. It was fun. After our time together, I headed to a local bar alone. I wanted a scotch to warm the cockles.

I sat at the bar. There was another person there. We made eye contact, then we ended up talking. I noticed some things about them that, reflecting on those moments now, indicated how my worries about being perceived by others, shaped how I behaved, what I said and what I was willing and not willing to do.

I’ve always been pretty honest. But I’m not 100 percent honest. Is anyone? Still, I care a lot about being direct as I can so people know where I’m at. But that requires being clear about where I’m at.

Back then I wasn’t very clear…I was conflicted.

This person and I saw each other a few times. I remember as clear as day my reactions to this person’s physical appearance and the shame I felt about potentially being seen with them and what “they” – people in the world – would think…ABOUT ME.

Intolerable shame-based scenarios played out in my mind.

So one day, I told this person I couldn’t continue seeing them. I told them why. But when I said what I said, I didn’t own what was going on with me. Instead of telling this person how I felt, instead of saying something like:

“I’m sorry, Jen (not their real name) I’m too wrapped up in believing how I think others think about me is more important than what I want. I enjoy being with you. But I’m afraid of what people might say about me when I’m out in public with you.”

Instead of saying something like that, owning my story as mine, I made my discomfort about Jen’s appearance. Ironically, their appearance was gender non-conforming. And that threatened my self-image. A self-image based on an unhealthy concern about what others thought about me.

SHAME blog
Photo by @plqml // felipe pelaquim on Unsplash

I made my story about Jen, in other words. Jen took that information not very well. I didn’t find out until some 20 years later.

Last week, I posted on Facebook a Mother Goose magazine article. It features me talking about The Transamorous Network and the work the network is doing. Jen saw this post, then sent me a direct message on Facebook:

Screen Shot 2020-02-29 at 19.11.45

It’s been a long time.

I’ve come a long way in the ensuing decades.  I’ve learned a lot about myself.

• • •

I’m sharing this to show I was where many men reading this are right now. Maybe they’re struggling with shame and embarrassment over what they like, what they’re attracted to. That shame can drive a lot of behavior that spills into others’ lives.

Sometimes with long-lasting effect.

But here’s the thing about all this. And if you’re following my other blog and website, Positively Focused, this won’t be surprising.

Life experience is a massive co-creative endeavor. Our stories don’t only effect us. They effect everyone around us. That’s why in client sessions, I equate life experience to being a movie. We all create our life experience from what we think. Others in our lives reflect what we’re thinking back to us.

In that way, others are co-creative partners in our own movie making. Just as we are partners in theirs. I don’t expect anyone to agree with this. But life experience will show how accurate what I’m sharing is.

In my case, I know I met Jen as a waypoint on my path to where I am now. Jen’s appearance and my discomfort reflected stories I had at the time about being with a gender-nonconforming person. She represented both my desires and my negative beliefs playing out right in front of me.

And I know I played the same role for Jen. I presented Jen with stories and negative beliefs Jen had. In other words, we served each other. Whether Jen sees that, I don’t know. But Jen certainly sees the benefit our interaction has had on me and the network.

Which is why when Jen sent this part of their message:


I resonated so wonderfully with it.

Jen is right.

• • •

I can say being where I am, and having been where I was, that the path you may be on, no matter how painful it feels, offers so many wonderful opportunities. Opportunities just waiting for you to pick and enjoy. Like delicious, ripe fruit.

Keep going and you may someday enjoy similar wonderful reconnections with people you think you hurt. People who feel you hurt them. And instead of feeling embarrassment and shame over your past acts, you may feel resonance and appreciation.

As I do.

I see the “delicious irony” of the co-creation.

These days I know everything in my life experience benefits not only me, but everyone with whom I connect.

We’re never alone. Everything is working out for me, you and everyone else. Even those who may claim were victimized by you. They weren’t victimized. They benefitted. It just may take a while before they realize that.

Hopefully not 20 years. But it doesn’t matter. We’re all eternal.

Your life is going perfectly. Take it from a guy just like you.

Or, find out for yourself by contacting us. We can show you.