Several months ago when my newest client came to me, he was extremely resistant about his trans-attraction, among other things. His strong negative stories created in him an extreme negative life and self image. As a result, he wanted to commit suicide.
One thing driving him to want to kill himself was shame he felt about being attracted to transgender women. He contacted me for this purpose, and after working through some of his negative stories, he found himself feeling more optimistic about his attraction, an attraction that is normal and wholesome.
But the more we talked about the fact that his transgender partner is standing by waiting for him to become a match to who she is, this client uncovered more and more disempowering stories. Stories which kept him from becoming a match to that person.
For example, like many trans-attracted people and transgender women, he believed it’s impossible finding a transgender woman matching his desires. When he considered such a woman being in his area, he thought it even more impossible.
He told me the odds for why he’d never meet this girl. When I told him she likely lived in his area right now, he said “there are no transgender women in my small town“.
Powerlessness and random go hand-in-hand
When people don’t understand “stories create reality”, it’s very easy for them to get discouraged. That’s because they cannot tell they are the ones creating their reality. Instead, reality seems to show up as a random set of events beyond their control.
But everything is under one’s control. And stories we tell ourselves, are levers we can use to exert that control.
A person without this knowledge finds themselves powerless when it comes to realizing their dreams. Which is why so many experience anxiety and depression. When one doesn’t know they create reality, it does feel like reality happens beyond their control. That’s what was happening with his client. He felt powerless to have what he wanted. And powerless to stop feeling so negative about himself, and his natural desire.
All that was about to change though.
Changes beget more changes
For several weeks, many weeks actually, he continued strongly asserting this idea that no transgender women live in his area. He had never seen any, he said. He couldn’t imagine there being any in his area because his area is so small and so conservative.
Meanwhile, I held fast to the knowledge that transgender women are everywhere. And there is nowhere where it is impossible to meet a transgender woman. Especially when the universe is cooperating to deliver everything everyone wants, thereby making everything possible.
I held that knowing for my client even as my client gave reason after reason for why there are no transgender women in his area. Here is a text he sent me reiterating his argument:
In the ensuing sessions, however, this client experienced one epiphany after another. These epiphanies had profound effects on his existing belief constellation. The more he explored his existing stories and changed them into better-feeling ones, the lighter he felt about himself and life.
As that lightness took over, he saw his attempts at committing suicide as ridiculous. He became more compassionate towards himself and his desires.
Tectonic shift from little changes
At one point, he pointed out that he had hired a transgender escort in a town nearby. I explained to him that that was evidence that transgender women are in his area.
But he denied this as evidence simply because this transgender woman was an escort, a sex worker. Somehow, in my client’s eyes, her being a sex worker disqualified her from being a “transgender woman in my area“. That’s hilarious I told him.
I asked my client some weeks later to implement a process that is common in the practice. I told him that if he implemented this while at work, transgender women will show themselves anywhere he is. At first he was hesitant, he didn’t think it would work. But he decided to do it.
Some days later he texted me telling me that indeed he had seen a transgender woman. About a month after that he had a paradigm shift. He literally shifted his knowing around transgender women and his local community. The transition, the shift, was so powerful, he sent me a text:
The very next session he opened the conversation saying “there are plenty of transgender women in my area”.
I was shocked but not shocked. After all, I knew there were lots of transgender women in his area. Even in his small town. He just needed to change his stories. Doing so, he produced amazing shifts in his reality.
Then he went even farther. He told me later he talked with a transgender woman who he had actually went to high school with. So not only were plenty of transgender women in his area, he actually knew some transgender women personally.
You can’t see beyond your stories
Why hadn’t he recalled this earlier? Why had he claimed so strongly that no transgender women exist in his area?
This is the power of stories. Your stories create your reality. And you cannot see beyond them. Even though my client had gone to high school with this person, even though he lives within walking distance of other transgender women in his neighborhood, all he could see was the absence of transgender women.
This applies equally to transgender women. If you, as a transgender woman, believe there are no men who will love you, guess what? You will not find a man who will love you. Same goes for stories such as “all men are chasers“, or “men who are interested in trans women only want to be topped by trans women“, or “all men interested in transgender women are fetishizing trans people“.
These are all powerful stories many transgender women share. And while they seem true, the only reason why they appear that way is because the stories themselves create a reality confirming them.
It’s a little more complicated than that. I talk through this in great detail with my clients. But the basic premise holds 100% of the time: stories create reality.
Transforming life into the Charmed Life
My client proved this to himself in such a profound way, he has totally given up the old belief he once held. Now he feels empowered and excited about his future. He is eager to meet not just a transgender woman he can date, but other transgender women as well. He wants to plug into the community and support them as an ally. Changing his stories has been so profound on him, it’s like he’s a totally different person!
We extended his practice a bit farther last week. I recommend he get out more so the Universe can show him more evidence. Having done that, he texted me, just this morning, the following:
I love seeing these kinds of transformations within clients. It’s so fun working with people in such a way that they transform their life into the Charmed Life I talk about. The kind of life where everything happens for the person instead of the person “making things happen“.
I look forward to more epiphanies coming from this client’s experience. Because when he has an epiphany, I revel in it, which then creates fertile ground for me to experience more of my own epiphanies. There’s nothing better than knowing that stories create reality.