Trans attraction and the fear of death

Closeted trans attracted men’s unspoken fear

Coming out as transattracted could be equated to dying: It’s a scary thing. Like death though there’s nothing to be afraid of. Although we can understand the fear.

We’ve been told all our lives that death is a scary thing. Religions have equated death to an ultimate judgement day, where your creator and you review your life and, well….it’s harps or fires baby! Other faiths suggest nothingness, paradises and such. But despite the afterlife stories, most of us irrationally fear death. Especially the first part, usually marked by some kind of massive illness, sudden traumatic experience like an accident or other violence. That must be what lead someone to once say “It’s not death I fear. It’s the dying part that’s scary!”

Science is getting around to soothing concerns about the afterlife. We here at The Transamorous Network have known all along that death holds nothing but amazement. As an aside we wonder why there is the death penalty. For killing someone as punishment is actually sending that person somewhere far better than ordinary life experience. We shake our heads in humanity’s misperception of the experience.

But we digress.

For trans attracted men in the closet, the fear of shame of humiliation in friends and family discovering one’s attraction to transgender women can be even scarier than death. We get it: at least when you die, presumably (this isn’t accurate but let’s go with it) you no longer have to face what others think of you. But here in life experience, you do. And for sure, there are some pockets of the world where being attracted to transgender women is problematic. So coming out as transattracted can have really scary consequences.

Nas got it right. Same applies to coming out as trans attracted – the only thing to fear, is the fear.

Or can it? Well in some places perhaps. But most of the time, experience of other transattracted men has shown that coming out is more about the fear of fear itself, rather than something akin to dying. For nearly every man we know who has owned their trans attraction then come out to friends and family has found the process surprisingly lacking drama. We think that’s because of something we harp on a lot at The Transamorous Network.

You see, people respond to unspoken communication you send out about yourself. There’s a lot of depth to this, but put plainly: people read your self-confidence…or lack thereof. If you aren’t confident in who you are and how you live, people pick up on that as mirrors of you. A mirror reflects all that you see back at you. Focus on that zit and that’s all you see. Focus on the flab…the same.

But focus on the perfection that is you, including the perfection that is your trans attraction and, oh, the mirror that is society will reflect back to you the confidence you feel when you realize there is nothing wrong or shameful about finding transwomen beautiful, other than the collective indoctrination stemming from puritanical, cultural, familial biases and prejudices. These things are always made up. They are never truth. Nor are they accurate.

So think about it man. We are approached every so often via the comments section or an email by a guy who has come into their own trans attraction, moving into transamory and we can tell you, the joy in these guys’ hearts is worth the risk – and it’s a false risk – that comes with confidently owning this important part of who you are.

There is no death. And in your trans attraction there is no shame.

2 Replies to “Trans attraction and the fear of death”

  1. That first sentence. It also applies to trans women when they come out. The fear of all the imagined disasters can be crippling. For decades for some of us.
    But I am pleased to report that Perry’s words ring true. It is your attitude about the coming out, the stories you tell yourself and the resulting vibe that emanates from you as a result of those stories, which will determine other people’s response to you.
    Not that it matters much, to be frank, hiding yourself from others for a measure of acceptance is not worth the crippling toll it takes on your emotional and physical self .The only joy to be had is in acknowledging who you truly are, then embracing it.
    But I digress.
    Do not fear death, or the thousand little deaths you perhaps fear. Change your stories piece by piece until you know and love who you are, then the coming out, whether you are trans, or trans attracted, will mostly be a non event, and you will live ecstatically joyfully, in love with who you are and with your life.

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