What I Really Think About Transgender Women

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I asked a question in reply to one of your articles a few weeks ago. You never answered. I’ll try again.

When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean? Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

Thanks for the reply,

Curious

Hey Curious,

So sorry about missing your questions/comment the last time. I sometimes do that. It’s not intentional and I’m getting better at getting to these comments.

When I say I’m attracted to transgender women, I’m referring to many qualities. So this is going to be a long reply, I think. But I respect your questions, so I’m going to be thorough out of that respect. Please note that the order in which I offer these, has no bearing on what I consider priorities. I’ll try to make that more clear as I answer. Also, my answers may confront you or run counter to what you think, how you think about transgender women or how you think men should think about them. I’m just answering as clearly as I can, questions you’re asking that, frankly, are kind of hard to answer because a lot of the attraction is intrinsic. It’s also highly personal and nobody’s business…frankly.

Just in case readers don’t know what it means.

Like, we don’t ask a heterosexual man “why are you attracted to cis-women?” It’s a nonsensical, question socially. It’s just accepted. But my attraction is somehow, some kind of aberration worthy of interrogation? Why?

You ask: When you say you’re attracted to trans women, what exactly do you mean?

What I mean, exactly, is highly layered and nuanced. There’s an innate attraction first and foremost and this can’t be overstated or really explained. It’s not dissimilar to someone who is heterosexual and therefore attracted intrinsically, innately to members of the opposite sex, or a gay man who is innately, intrinsically attracted to men because they are men, primarily.

In other words, the fact that they are transgender is a point of attraction to me that separates them completely from cis-women. And those transgender women who are trying to be “women” I’m not attracted to because those people IMO are trying to be something that they are not…something that, frankly, they are better than at a cosmological level.

But there are other aspects of transgender women I find attractive also. Qualities easier to put my finger on. And some not so easy to pin down. Of the trans women I’ve dated (and I’ve dated many) I find their characters/personalities highly attractive. This is probably the biggest thing besides the intrinsic attraction I mentioned above.

Even those who struggle with lack of self-acceptance possess characters/personalities underneath those mental issues, which I can perceive, characters/personalities which I find alluring.

For example, there’s a transgender woman who lives one block away from me. She’s a composer and musician. She doesn’t have to say a fucking thing and I can perceive this quality I’m talking about. In the summer she sits on her porch smoking a cigarette on her breaks. She’s not the most physically attractive woman, she has several, self-admitted mental health issues, she smokes and drinks (to excess in my opinion) and yet, there is still that “je ne sais quoi” characteristic about her that is soooooo freaking alluring that is beyond my intrinsic attraction to her. It really goes beyond words to describe. And IMO, that aspect of her – of transgender women in general – does NOT exist in cis-women.

There’s a perseverance (obviously), a stick-to-it-tiveness some transgender women possess that I find highly attractive. After all, such a personal journey, undertaken often at tremendous cost, time, health risk and potential risk of social ostracization would engender these qualities in anyone IMO. But the transgender woman’s journey is unique in this way, again in my opinion. It creates a very secure, spiritually strong, somewhat intense energy I enjoy being around. Like an authenticity, which I too possess.

I like the fact that transgender women’s experiences cause them to cultivate an “I don’t take any shit from people” attitude also. I know this doesn’t exist in every trans woman, but, again, those I end up dating have such facets in their personality and I enjoy and respect that because, again, I’m that way.

The kind of transgender woman I am attracted to tends to be highly intelligent, self-reflective and thoughtful. This is not the same as formal academically instilled “intelligence”. It’s different. It’s like a self-awareness, a self-possessiveness that draws me in. You could say it’s an “energy signature”.

Those I’ve dated also tend to possess talents similar to mine (artistic or otherwise creative) as well. So there’s that.

Beyond all this, I’m attracted to how transgender women look, particularly those on HRT. I’m not referring to just young women either. And definitely not only “passable” ones. In fact, I prefer those who don’t necessarily pass over those who do. That’s because, for me, I find the blend resulting from a physiologically male body, “tempered” by HRT far, far FAR more attractive than (pardon me) fleshy, soft cis women. Which is why I am not interested in transgender women who use some processes to try to look like that fleshy, soft curvy form cis women have. Again, transgender women are transgender women. As such they are inherently distinct and preferable as far as I’m concerned. If I wanted to be with a cis-woman, I’d choose that. So passibility isn’t something I’m necessarily interested in. Not that I don’t appreciate that kind of beauty in certain transgender women. I do. But it’s not a priority for me. And certainly not part of my selection criteria.

I actually find more mature transgender women, physically, more attractive. Personality-wise too. Age tempers their personalities I think and I find that alluring.

Ok that’s the first question. The second is actually several I think:

Are you attracted to all trans women, equally those who have underwent full GRS, those who have only used hormones, and those who have underwent no medical transition at all (and all other various stages and forms of medical and non-medical social transition)?

In short. Yes.

To elaborate: I think my previous answer supports my short answer above. Attraction is attraction to me. But I do have preferences like everyone does. But that doesn’t change my attraction. It does, however, affect my selection. That’s different from attraction. I think you understand that distinction.

Your next question I answered already, but I want to highlight this, because it’s very, very important. I think you get this (perhaps from a different perspective though) because you singled out this topic as a separate question. You ask:

Also, are you attracted to them as women, or specifically as trans women?

Specifically as trans women for several reasons. For one, because that’s what they are. Secondly, “trans” is an expansion of what it means to be human. It is an evolution closer to the true aspect of human spirit in each being, which is BOTH male AND female, expressed across many lifetimes. So I see trans women as a separate, evolved and therefore advanced aspect of human expression. It is not a “third” gender. It’s transgender: they help transition humanity out of the gender paradigm. In my spiritual experience, this is a critical MUST if humanity is to evolve further.

So I venerate them because of this. There’s a lot more I can say about this relative to how trans women think about themselves, particularly those trying to be “women”, but that’s beyond the scope of your question, I think. I’m attracted to them because they are trans women.

I get that doesn’t fit with what you think. To me, that’s ok. We don’t have to think alike. Can you be ok with someone who thinks differently than you? I can.

I now want to respond to the last paragraph of your comment. I hope you’ve read this far and see that I’m quite consistent in my answers. I’m very clear about what I know. I may express it differently over time as my ability to express it improves. Ok, here’s what you wrote:

I think a lot of trans people, myself at least anyway, would want a partner who desires them as their gender – not specifically because of their trans status. And obviously, for them as a person, not just a object of sexual desire due to their trans identity. One explanation I saw you give essentially amounted to saying that trans is a third gender, which to many trans people, again certainly myself, would seem transphobic. A trans woman is a woman, not a third gender. A trans man is a man, not a third gender. Your answer I saw about transamoury seemed to be at odds with respecting a trans person’s gender identity.

I agree. Many trans people do think the way you described here. But NONE of the trans women I dated do. I respect your opinion and the opinion of those other trans people who feel this way. The trouble I have with this, given my spiritual experience, is, humanity is constantly expanding. What it is, how it looks and how it expresses itself signifies EVOLUTION. Thinking there’s only “man” and “woman” is a very narrow, limited way of seeing the vast quality of what it is animating human consciousness. To reiterate, I get some trans people struggle with someone accepting them as trans. The problem, in my opinion, is that’s because they, themselves are not accepting their trans status. Instead of seeing it as an expression of evolution, they are trying to “fit in” to a socio-defined construct, which is outdated and has been for millennia.

Back to the basic question: It’s like, do cis-women get bunged up because the guys that are attracted to them are PRIMARILY SIN QUA NON women?

Of course not. They (the women) don’t even give it a thought. Because they accept that they are women. They’re not trying to be something else.

Does a gay man get bunged up with another gay man expressing their attraction because they are PRIMARILY, SIN QUA NON male?

No. They give it no consideration. They accept what they are expressing as male.

I wonder if trans women (and trans people in general) struggle with their status because they are allowing social indoctrination wrt GENDER to create lack of self acceptance among and within them. Given that I work with transgender women, from a spiritual, core, essential nature level, I have suspicion that this is the case. I don’t have enough cases to say this definitively, though. So, don’t take my words for it. And don’t be offended over everything I have shared.

You be you! Including your ideas, thoughts and beliefs. There’s plenty of room on the planet for trans women like yourself (given how you’ve described your views) to exist, find love and joy and freedom and all that, and for guys like me to do the same.

Thanks for writing and, again, apologies for missing your previous comment!

Perry

PS – notice that I did not once mention anything about sexual desire or performance. Also, I’m surprised some transgender people are so quick to throw around the “transphobic” claim, often in contexts it has no place being uttered. For example, you can see, I hope it’s obvious, that I very much do not exhibit a “dislike of or strong prejudice against transgender people”, which is the dictionary definition of “transphobic”. For me, it’s quite the opposite.

I wonder if those who sling that term around are like POC who throw around “racist” with no real justification. Reminder: I’m a non-binary person of color. My conjecture about those who sling such terms is, they are insecurity looking for a place to place the blame for their insecurity. So they attack people with the T word or the R word, often at times when it’s completely unjustified, indeed, when the facts show exactly the opposite happening, in order to soothe an underlying lack of self-acceptance. What I’ve expressed here is NOT transphobia. It’s trans-attraction/transamory which is completely the opposite.

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