Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.
Dear The Transamorous Network
I am married to a man who has had sexual encounters with trans women. He says it was out of curiosity and he has satisfied that curiosity but I find that hard to believe.
Later, he admitted that he thinks he may still harbor that attraction. I’m not sure how to feel about it. I have so many questions. I don’t want to push him into a conversation about it because I need him to come to terms with it without me forcing him to.
I love him very much, but I think that his attraction is not fleeting and he is only suppressing it. I haven’t made a decision on the future of our relationship since for me, there is so much more I want to know. There isn’t much information I have been able to find on these interwebs and I have no one to discuss this with since he doesn’t want anyone to know. Ladies that have experienced this, I feel your pain, but in no way do I believe his attraction to trans women is a reflection upon me. You offered to have a private conversation with another commenter and wondered if you would be willing to extend that to me as well.
Yolanda
Hey Yolanda,
Yes, anyone can contact me for a free initial conversation.
It’s awesome, and a testament to your capacity for loving, that you bring curiosity instead of judgement and anger to your husband’s struggle. It’s important that wives of trans-attracted men realize what you already know:
- That trans-attraction says NOTHING about you as a female, your desirability or anything else about you. It is all about the guy.
- That your husband likely has struggled with his trans-attraction for a very long time.
Both of my clients who are married, married their wives knowing full well they were trans attracted. In one case, the guy didn’t want to lose what he thought was a marvelous woman. I’m sure his wife IS marvelous, but marrying someone in fear that if you don’t, you’re going to lose them not only is scarcity thinking, it’s also extremely invalidating to the person you’re marrying. You’re not giving that person a chance to know who you really are and who – exactly – are they marrying?
Trans-attraction is serious business. It’s not something to think about casually. It’s not going to go away. Though some men – including some who contribute comments to this blog – are fine with their attraction while being married to females, most can’t handle the personal dissonance.
Scarcity thinking is rampant. Does a female (a cis-woman) really need to feel she must stick with someone who naturally isn’t attracted to her? Must a trans-attracted man really “settle” for something that doesn’t match what he is attracted to? In both cases, the answer is a resounding NO.
You can have any kind of lover you want!
No matter how long a female has been married to someone, there is always someone else coming who will love them as well or better. That’s just how the Universe works!
I don’t blame people for all the scarcity thinking though, the fear that has them act now, but then later down the line have to deal with consequences of acting in fear. Because if you don’t know how the Universe works, the world can be a very scary place. Especially in the realm of relationships.
Sounds like you don’t have those fears Yolanda. That’s why I’m eager for our conversation!
TTN