Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Good afternoon, I’m really looking for some advice and I’ve stumbled across your site whilst searching. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and have just discovered his desire for trans women, lots of porn, messages to trans women telling her how she’s his dream woman etc etc. I’ve spoken openly to him about it but he says it’s nothing but attention. My head is all over the place and I’m just looking for some kind of advice. Me and my boys all adore him xx
Thank you.
Sienna
Hi Sienna,
Thanks for writing. Many men have a passing interest in trans women, more of a sexual interest spurred by porn fixation and algorithms (embedded in porn websites) which can “turn up the volume” on the titilation factor they offer. You can start watching straight porn, for example, and, over time find yourself watching all kinds of intense stuff!
So it can be nothing other than that. A passing interest.
However…you also say he has contacted trans women and had conversations? That might be a different thing.
You wrote in your comment that after speaking to your boyfriend about this he said it’s nothing but “attention”. Did he really say “attention”? Or is that a typo? If it is, what did he really say?
Before giving advice, we want to know where you are about this. Your head is all over the place, you say, but how do you feel about HIM? What do you want in a relationship? You’ve been with him for almost a year. We know that may feel like a lot of time, but really, it’s not. And how did you discover his desire? And how was the conversation in which you spoke openly to him? Was it calm? Were you angry? Was he?
Thanks for answering our questions. We can better assist after receiving your answers.
TTN
Hello,
Thank you so much for replying to me. I first discovered a picture of him pleasuring himself sent to a trans woman, he had a drink and passed out leaving this picture very visible on his phone. When I questioned him he said he wasn’t aware it was a trans woman.
We separated, then had a chat and I thought everything was ok.
But then I then found a conversation via email between him and a trans woman. I can send everything I’ve found to you so you can see if you like?
When I spoke to him I was very understanding. Having many gay, trans friends I’m quite an open easy person and I told him he should just be happy and if he wanted to be in a same sex relationship then I will understand and we can part ways.
He said his ex girlfriend set certain profiles up and he was being contacted and enjoyed the attention. He has said he has never engaged in sexual contact but has enjoyed watching porn etc and he doesn’t know why. But he wants to be with me and he will spend his life proving that. However the things I’ve seen has me really confused more than anything x
Hi Sienna. You’re welcome. Thanks for the further details. We don’t need to see what you found. Thanks for the offer.
It’s good to hear you’re very understanding. That’s a great place to start. Just so you know, a “same sex relationship” is a confusing phrase enforced by science and common misperceptions. Because of that, that phrase can make it very hard for your boyfriend to honestly figure himself out. There’s lots to talk about there if you want to explore that more.
You two aren’t married but it sounds like you care for him a lot and that he cares for you. We have a client who knew he was trans attracted when he met who ultimately became his fiancé, then his wife. He knew he had strong attraction to trans women, but he didn’t tell his fiancé, then wife. Why didn’t he? Because he didn’t want to lose her.
Ten years later, he had to face his desires because the trans woman he was seeing outside his marriage outed him on social media.
The point of that brief story is, there’s no sure way for us to know what’s going on with your boyfriend. We’ve seen situations like these before, but that doesn’t mean this is that. But you know what’s going on with you and what you want. You also have a hunch, a sixth sense, an intuition that’s forming within you. We show our clients how to use that to get lives they love, including relationships that work.
We suggest you follow what you feel.
As much as you care about him and enjoy your relationship, you must choose what you want to do, then do that. You can stay with him and see where this goes with your eyes open as you now know something’s up. Or you can end it now.
But what’s the harm seeing where it goes? If you care about him and you mostly enjoy the relationship, is there a reason you must figure this out right this moment? Or can you relax and watch as your boyfriend grows?
You can enjoy your love for your boyfriend and at the same time help him come into clarity about who he is. In the process, you might learn some things about yourself.
TTN