TL;DR: The author shares two experiences revealing a persistent behavior among trans and trans-attracted people, one that creates trouble in their lives. They then encourage trans and trans-attracted people to take control of their realities, by changing how they think about reality, asserting that one’s reality stems from one’s beliefs.
I recently had a wonderful encounter with two trans women. We attended a block party hosted by our local community center. One reason our encounter was “wonderful” was because I intended to manifest a reality wherein I met, at the block party, one of these two trans women who I had seen earlier this summer.
I’ll describe how I did that later as well as what happened next. I’ll do that while sharing about the apparent paradox I notice with trans women, one giving rise to troubles trans women face. The paradox was on beautiful display in my conversation with these two lovely people.
A client session I had also showed the same paradox, this time though, through the words of a transamorous man. The paradox I’m writing about, therefore, isn’t only happening for trans women; it’s happening for trans-attracted guys too.
It’s actually happening with every human. But since this blog is about trans/trans-attracted people, I want to keep my focus on transgender women and the men who love them, in hopes of soothing this tendency among people I care about.
Let’s dive in.
Hold on a sec
Before I dive in, a note of warning. I add this in posts sometimes because trans women write me complaining I’m invalidating their experience by telling them they create their reality through the thoughts and beliefs they think and hold. I’ve written post after post giving tangible, repeatable evidence how this happens. And yet, after reading posts in which I offer this warning, I still get trans women telling me I’m invalidating the trans experience. Of course, I know why they do that: it’s because I keep writing what you’re reading in this paragraph (LOL).
In other words, by harping on this, I’m attracting to myself insecure trans women who feel compelled to share their insecurity with me.
I’m guaranteeing some trans woman will be drawn to my writings. She’ll have a dominant negative disposition, although she’ll claim she doesn’t, and from there, from the insecurity dominant negative disposition creates within her, she’ll read what you’re reading right now. Then she’ll read the rest of this story and still make a comment that I’m invalidating her experience.
So here’s the disclaimer again: I know there are realities in which people are anti-trans. I get that legislatures in many nations are crafting anti-trans bills. Those are valid experiences and real as far as physical reality goes. I also know that no trans person needs to have those things in their personal experience. That’s the reason why I write this stuff. I write this stuff to help guide trans women (and trans-attracted men) who are ready to free themselves from lives that suck and eliminate gender bigots from their experience. So if you aren’t ready to do that, please, don’t read any further. This story is for people who are ready.
Ok, let’s look at what happened at this block party.
Intention creates a “coincidence”
I had seen one of the trans women, I’ll call her Charlie, a few times this summer. We barely made eye contact as we passed, her leaving the center, me just arriving. One day we did make eye contact though and we both greeted each other, I thought, warmly.
I wanted to get to know her, but only as a friend. After all, I didn’t know her and who knows if we matched. These days I’m not looking for a partner as my life is full as it is. Yet, I felt drawn to this person.
Knowing what I know, I set the intention that I’d see her at the block party. The community center had advertised it for some time now and it was just around the corner.
Now, think about this. The event was all day on a Saturday. There’s a high probability, given the over 12 hours of event time and hundreds of people who would show up, that I would not see Charlie. From a “realistic” stand point, we’d pass like ships in the night, with she going at one time, staying a while, and me going at another time.
But I know what I know. I know the Universe bends to our intentions when we allow ourselves to be aligned with our Broader Perspective. I’ve done that for decades now, so I know my chances of meeting a stranger more than once isn’t up to chance or coincidence. It’s completely up to my intention to want to see them and my belief that I will.
It wasn’t a surprise, therefore, when, I arrived at the event and, in the first five minutes saw Charlie walking around.
Changing topics….slightly
I have a Transamorous client who is making great headway in cleaning up his stories. I write about him often on this blog. He’s the client wanting to be a successful comedian.
This week we talked about his very first stage performance. It went way better than he thought it would. As it should have because he, like me, understands how the Universe works. So he set an intention that it would go well and it did.
While reviewing the recording he made of the performance he and I talked about what could have been better. One thing we talked about was his use of the word “faggot”. In the routine he calls himself a “faggot”. He does so at the end of a very humorous story about his trans attraction.
We both agreed however, that the delivery of that word stood out from all the rest in the sentence. He way over emphasized it, thereby calling attention to it. The emphasis felt out of place to me. So I asked him about that.
Our words create our worlds
He agreed that he did overemphasize the word and said it was because internally he was still uncomfortable with his trans attraction. He still has some beliefs that conflate being trans-attracted with being gay. And that conflation has him feeling negative about himself, he said.
That’s why when he spoke that word he did so with overemphasis. It was his fear of being judged manifesting, he said, an over compensation for his negative self-image and fear that he would be judged. I agreed with that assessment.
It’s interesting how our behaviors, including our words can reveal so much about our inner state. Our words literally create our world. That is the basis of what I share with my clients. And when that world gets created, everything in it is a reflection of one’s inner state. That includes other people as well as our own words and actions.
For example, this morning at breakfast I had a wonderful conversation with a stranger. We talked about spirituality and she asked about what I do for work. While answering that question I shared how while it’s highly satisfying working with clients, I prefer a life where money just comes to me without having to do anything for it.
Love reflected back to me
Sarah then said “I know you know this, but you could create a reality where all the things you need, like your rent and food, are just taken care of for you. Why do you need to focus on money?”
I said “I appreciate you saying that because right this moment in this now, you are the reflection showing me that I still have resistance about money in my vibration. It’s very subtle, but it’s obviously still there and I know this because you said what you said.”
At that moment she gave me a big smile and said “I love you so much!” Her expression of love was acknowledging that my statement was spot on. Totally in line with what we both knew. And, it was a reflection of my own self-awareness, my clarity of my expansion and the fact that my word creates my world, including others in it, which includes Sarah.
Then I shared with her my experience with money and the disempowering beliefs I once held, beliefs that are still there, but greatly diminished, evidenced by my ability to perceive her question as a reflection rather than criticism.
I think you might see where this is going…
Back to the block party
I grabbed a free hot dog and some macaroni salad. The salad was ok but the hot dog was scrumptious! Walking around I saw the trans woman I saw moments before. Walking with her was another trans woman. They walked over to a picnic table and took a seat. I decided I’d go meet them both.
I sat at the other end of the table after asking if it was ok to do so. They said yes, of course. I write “of course” because this was the unfolding of my earlier intention. Of course they would say yes! They were cooperative components to my desire.
Turns out the girl I wanted to get to know and the other girl, I’ll call Allie, are a couple. I also found out Charlie is a lifeguard at the community center. She’s super tall and lanky. Allie works at a vet clinic in town. She used to work at Whole Foods.
While talking amongst ourselves, Allie, referring to Charlie, overemphasized the fact that Charlie is a woman by strongly, loudly saying “SHE enjoys HER job.” When she did that, I paused, just for a moment, before continuing with my side of the conversation.
Trigger finger reaction
Later Allie and Charlie excused themselves and left the event. I sat there, finished my hot dog and reveled in the fact that I had manifested the opportunity to hear more about Charlie and got to meet her partner. I also knew my positive vibes had a big impact on them both.
On my way home though, I thought about what Allie did. It reminded me of my client the comedian. I wish I had the presence of mind to call her out on that. But at the same time, I get it. I suppose many trans women are not comfortable enough being trans such that they don’t invite people who misgender them.
That’s right, everyone creates their reality. Trans women are no exception. I get this too though: most trans women don’t know what you just read, let alone believe it. So when they’re constantly being misgendered, or looked at strangely, rather than doing something that could eliminate those experiences from their lives, they instead overemphasize them. They do that by making up really negative stories about why they were misgendered or stared at.
Doing that, they perpetuate those experiences in their lives. The cycle happens over and over. Meanwhile more things aligned with their focus show up, anti-trans legislation, for example. By the time those start showing up, the trans women believe they’re right: that the world is against them.
Then they get trigger happy about it. They come to expect to get misgendered, for example. So when Allie spoke, she wasn’t speaking that way because I was about to misgender Charlie. Such a thing would never cross my mind.
But she had her finger on the pronoun trigger. And to preempt her perceived need to correct me, pulled the trigger in advance, unnecessarily overemphasizing Charlie’s pronouns.
The world is getting better…See it?
Allie doesn’t know what my clients and I know. She doesn’t know that by doing that she’s positioned herself to experience exactly what she thought she was preventing: somewhere down the line she’s going to be misgendered.
And she’ll keep being misgendered until she does something about beliefs she has creating those situations.
Those situations don’t have to happen to any trans woman. That they happen at all says something every trans woman should want to know: that the world is a diverse place. While there are many people out there who are anti-trans and more than willing to call out trans people using the wrong bathroom or misgender trans people, there are plenty of people who won’t do those things. There are people out there who will see trans women for what and who they are and treat them thusly. Like me, for example.
This is why I constantly write about how great the world is getting for trans people. I do that because it IS getting better.
But as long as trans women focus on and amplify situations where they are misgendered, where anti-trans legislation is being crafted, or whatever JK Rowling Tweets, they create more momentum behind such experiences. That momentum builds until suddenly, seemingly, even the government is against trans people. Even though it’s not. Nor is the rest of society.
It’s hard to hear but no less false
It seems counterintuitive but taking one’s attention away from such events also takes all the wind out of the sails propelling such events to their fruition. That’s right, we don’t eliminate transphobia by collectively pushing against it. That elimination happens at the individual level, with each individual choosing thoughts and beliefs which makes it impossible for the transphobe to find that person. When every trans person does that, transphobes will still exist, but they won’t have any impact on the community.
That they do have an impact tells us there are many trans people focusing on transphobia and other unwanted situations. That focus turns into experiences. And that’s why those on the receiving end of transphobia experience those things. Nothing, no one else is responsible.
That can be hard to hear for someone feeling victimized by transphobia. But there are no victims. Only powerful creators being too stubborn to accept that they create their reality, then taking the reins of the creation process and creating something they want, instead of what they don’t.
You can lead a horse to water, goes the saying. I’m willing to write millions of words to lead every trans woman to the refreshing, thirst-quenching power they possess. I realize, however, that few are ready to hear what I’m sharing.
Those who do hear find themselves free of what most trans women complain about. They’re in successful careers. They’re married to cisgender men. In other words, they’re getting lives they love because they’re deliberately creating them.
They’ve broken free of the physical reality most transgender women face. They’ve done it by doing something out of the ordinary: by becoming curious about the idea that they create their reality. No one else.