Cis-trans relationships - The Transamorous Network

February 23, 2021January 23, 2021

Trans-Attraction And Divorce: It Doesn’t Have to Suck

Trans-attraction can break up a marriage, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing.

My divorce and what happened next convinces me that stories create reality. Being trans attracted and married to a cis-woman can be painful for everyone. My marriage was no exception. But it also created the best circumstances for me which transformed my life for the better.

This is an awesome story about how I created my way out of a marriage inconsistent with who I was and into a life of happy authenticity, not only as a transamorous guy, but also as someone who positively benefits the world.

This story comes in three parts. Part one shares the awesome story of my divorce. Part two describes what happened next. Part three shows how I have created a whole new reality, one in which I focus all my time and joy on doing things I love, instead of working a job with a boss, a paycheck and the 9 – 5 grind.

Part one: the best divorce ever

I enjoyed being married because it forced me to focus on the only place unconditional love comes: from myself. Yes for a little while I struggled, but not with my trans-attraction. I was clear about that. What I struggled with were my own stories and expectations about relationships, love and belonging.

I married my wife even though she was looking to be with a woman and I was looking to be with a transgender woman. She said I was the answer to a spiritual process she completed in her church. Though we both knew what each other wanted was different than what we represented to each other, we married anyway.

To me, we didn’t marry for love. Our marriage was about spiritual growth.

My wife and I met online. After some months, it was obvious something was there. A sense of togetherness existed, but not really romance. It was a deeper connection, one more difficult to express, but not to experience.

My wife had many problems born of her family of origin, problems I believe she came into reality to become more through. I saw these and wanted to do my part, to play my role in that process. That’s why I married her.

We passed through the first few months in heady fantasy. I ignored obvious trouble signs, both coming from her and me. For my part, trouble felt like not being able to talk with her about my attraction because her issues dominated our relationship “air time”.

After the “honeymoon”, life together started showing stress.

I won’t go into details

That would be too long a post. One day I lay in bed contemplating my next moves after a failed start-up investment. My wife came in the bedroom, looked at me and said “you know, you’re not attractive when you’re moping around like this. Maybe you should spend more time with Law of Attraction.”

At the time I showed interest in that, but a passing interest at best. I didn’t really believe it. This was over five years ago. Little did I know my wife’s prodding began the best time of my life (so far) and that Law of Attraction would play a big part.

Not only did I heed my wife’s urgings, I dove head-first into it. I read Law of Attraction books, but only books written by the person who coined the term. Then I started studying works from Seth and Jane Roberts. Later, I encountered Ayahuasca, the plant medicine originating from Peru and now known around the world as a powerful antidote to trauma and other psychological issues. It also opens consciousness to enlightened wisdom and more.

And oh boy! Mother Ayahuasca didn’t disappoint!

Then came a series of high profile experiences with Law of Attraction, which I’ll write about much later.

Positively stories: the turning point

Many, many high profile experiences happened over ensuing years which, I think, caused my wife to feel jealous and resentful about what was happening. I don’t blame her, it was part of the process. But her resentment and my frustration in marriage widened the gap growing between her and I as I moved more towards my authenticity and she moved towards what she wanted. We both wanted different things, with different people. Our relationship gaped like the Mariana Trench.

Being Positively Focused allows even arguments to be a good thing. — Photo by Alexander Redmon from FreeImages

Our non-existent sexual relationship dissatisfied her too. I ignored her dissatisfaction along with her complaints. We were well past the point of resolving that incompatibility.

Remember, we both knew I was trans-attracted and she was seeking a woman. There were no surprises in this arena. She complained about it more and more, though, I guess believing her complaints could resolve this fundamental difference. She complained to her friends and family. People who would hear her out. Over time, they convinced her that staying in the relationship was a bad idea.

Things got worse and worse (or better and better) for us both. Following specific instruction from all my sources – Aya, Abraham, Seth, and my own personal trinity – I interacted with her less and less. I told none of my friends or family what was happening, because I know sharing with others causes others to give their (mostly inaccurate) opinions about what is happening.

At one point, she invited me to an open marriage. I knew giving me permission tacitly gave her permission, which is what she really wanted. No biggie, I thought, it was a step in our marriage’s final countdown. As she found a semblance of sexual satisfaction from other men and I focused more on my Inner Being relationship, things came more and more to the wonderful outcome I didn’t expect, but at the same time I felt loomed.

An un-refusable offer

Finally, she gave me an ultimatum. I had to move out of her home where we lived. I wasn’t surprised. But I also hadn’t prepared at all for it. I had a small amount of money and no stable income. I had no place to live and roughly three weeks to find one. I had no car and very little other possessions.

But I was happy.

More happy than I had been in a long time. Even facing divorce, with few human friends and little else, I was happy and I had my Inner Being. I knew that’s all I needed.

By the time she gave her ultimatum, I knew anything was possible. I looked forward to that possibility along with great eagerness. Leaving my wife, at her strong suggestion, launched me on the glorious positive path on which I find myself today.

The next stop: creating an income source.

February 16, 2021January 16, 2021

Your Trans Attraction Is Never An “Addiction”

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our Transamorous Network readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

I’m in a straight relationship with my partner, although I found out I was attracted to “trans” before we got together. I told her in the early stages of our relationship and it was almost laughed off and dismissed.

Unfortunately, I went behind my partner’s back on one or two occasions years into the relationship and it confirmed my “fetish” with trans women. I didn’t want to enjoy it but I found out I loved it. It was exciting, different and turned me on but it was just fun.

My partner did find out and I came clean, we had counseling and she came around. I completely love my partner 100 percent, but desires took hold and I lost complete control of myself and my emotions.

In the end, she came with me to meet a trans woman and enjoyed watching me have fun. She knows I am completely in love and committed to her in a daily and family life and has accepted who I am, what I like and we can now be completely open without lies or deceit.

I am very lucky to be able to be myself, I am able to have an intimate relationship with my partner who is absolutely amazing and also satisfy my desires.

I think the best way to understand a person who is attracted to trans is to go with them and see what it’s all about. In doing so, people may see what it is for real rather, than what they think it might be in their heads, which makes more out of it than there needs to be.

For men, and speaking for myself, sex is just sex. A realease of the stresses of day to day life and a time out to enjoy some variety.

I hope any partners of “trans addicts” reading this can look at it from a different angle and realize that it’s not the end of the world. [It] is in no way your fault and you have no inadequacies.

People can’t be put in boxes and conform to expected social norms, we’re human, not robots.

Jason.

Hey Jason,

The most important thing you’ve talked about is the relief you feel and the willing acceptance your partner now experiences. Congratulations for finding that. Just a couple more perspectives we want to offer, mainly for others who might read your comment.

An entire industry surrounds the word “addiction”. Lots of money goes back and forth as people contend with what they think that word describes.

Desires are good. They are not “addictions”. Attraction is good. It is not an “addiction”. Love is good too and it is not restricted to just one person.

It’s great you love your partner and are committed to them. But that doesn’t mean you couldn’t experience that same love and commitment with a transgender woman. Often, men think that’s not possible because they are caught up in their “fantasy”, which is really just a future reality they can’t have, because they don’t believe having it is possible. It is possible, but many men don’t believe it is. So they don’t experience that.

Choosing obligation over joy

We’re going to presume your partner feels better about your attraction because they now see it doesn’t threaten what they get from you being in their life. Maybe they were telling stories about you leaving, what that would mean to them and others involved, and the havoc they think that would create. Such stories can be tremendously painful. That’s obvious in some of the comments in this thread. Now that these have been soothed in your partner (through counseling) they no longer cause your partner discomfort that comes with telling such stories. Again, that’s a good thing.

And yet, men (and women) often get themselves into situations that are hard to get out of. Their stories about life, children, family, societal obligations and more keep them in situations, even though some (not all) may not want to continue in them. We’re not saying this is you Jason, or your partner.

We’re saying many men and women in similar situations (with wives and families) feel a righteous obligation to remaining in these situations because society, family upbringing and other “authorities” have convinced them not to “go against” what they’ve learned.

Some people are uncomfortable or unfamiliar with the adventure, the joy and that “what’s next!” of creating life experience. They’re unaware that they can have any life they want. So they settle into lives of stability, adherence and compliance because the rambunctious life-as-their-creation, that they came to have, feels so foreign. We’re not denigrating such decisions. They can impede, however, the natural, wholesome desire-for-more that is inherent in all consciousness. Trans attraction is a dimension of this.

Sounds like you and your partner found enough relief in balancing your attraction and your desire to stay in your situation so you can stay there AND be happy. That’s good.

Sex isn’t just sex

Although it can be seen as release, it is much more than that, and to call it “just sex” significantly diminishes its wonder and meaning. But again, if you find “release” in it, go for it, because that feeling is crucial to getting what you want. Whether you call it “relief” or “release” those emotions mean something important. Feeling them is even more important.

Back to “addicts”: That’s a significant, negative and loaded word for what really is a natural, wholesome desire. The reason trans-desire feels so strong, sometimes compellingly so, is because the desire itself, and the joy derived in its fulfillment, is something you know, at the core of who you are, will fulfill an aspect of who you are.

In doing so, in fulfilling it, you also transform, inform and altogether make worldly experience more enjoyable for those with whom you come into contact with. You’ll also expand the nature of what it means to be human. All these are worthy results of pursuing desires. And they line up with what everyone comes into the world to experience: desire fulfillment.

Every desire is meant to be (and is) fulfilled.

We do not encourage trans-attracted people to see their attraction as anything less than that: a wholesome desire wanting to be fulfilled. For in its fulfillment will emerge wonderful more, joy, fun and happiness for all involved. All that happens, but that doesn’t mean everyone involved will experience it.

As we say everywhere in our content: stories are powerful. They can block what is really happening. That’s always temporary though. The pain and anguish expressed by ex wives whose ex-husbands owned their trans-attraction and thus divorced them, doesn’t have to be these people’s reality.

We know it’s hard knowing that when you’re in the thick of the suffering. But suffering doesn’t mean the joy is not available. It’s just that joy isn’t one’s experience when one tells stories that are not aligned with joy.

January 12, 2021January 6, 2021

Why Some Trans And Transamorous People Have Terrible Relationships

Transamorous relationships often aren't good

The reason why many transgender, trans-attracted and transamorous people have such a hard time meeting their matches is because they resist what they want.

A Transamorous Network client recently had an experience worth sharing. It not only shows how stories create reality, it also shows how, usually, trans and trans-attracted people don’t see connections between their stories and realities their stories create.

Not seeing those connections is why many transgender and trans-attracted people’s lives are so dismal, unsatisfying, lonely, depressing and more. Many such people feel powerless around doing something about such lives.

If you don’t believe stories create reality, the story “I don’t believe reality gets created by my stories” creates a reality where it looks like your reality isn’t being created by your stories. 😳

That’s why it’s important to know stories create reality. It’s also important knowing how to read the signs telling you what stories are creating what reality.

So let’s now turn to Selene’s story.

A transgender woman creates while not knowing she’s creating

Selene, who happens to be trans, came to her session in good spirits. She had a good New Year’s and Christmas, spent mostly at home with her family. The farm where she lives sits on cold, frozen farmland, but inside her home, good cheer, good food and family filled the space and warmed Selene’s heart.

That good cheer extended to her father, mother and sister, all of whom laughed and ate and opened presents together. Selene enjoyed a good family holiday. That mood continued days following Christmas.

A couple days before her session, a customer entered the Starbucks where Selene works, ordered a drink, then took off his mask. He started drinking his beverage in the store. That behavior violated Starbucks’ COVID-19 policy.

Selene saw the customer and politely explained to him that, one, he couldn’t remove his mask while in the store and, two, he could not drink his beverage inside.

The man looked Selene up and down, then said “Are you trying to control what I’m doing sir?”

It was an intentional misgender. Selene has enough positive story momentum though so being misgendered didn’t phase her.

Then she heard her assistant manager behind her say “Sir, Selene is a woman, not a man. You must leave now.”

As the unruly customer turned to go, Selene added “It’s also illegal to retaliate against workers when they enforce statewide COVID policy.”

Not seeing the connections…until they’re seen

In her session a couple days after this experience, Selene wondered aloud why she experienced this. She thought such an experience wouldn’t happen since she’s been telling positive stories, evidenced by such a good holiday with her family.

Why did this unruly man enter her life experience? Why did she have such a confrontation? I remained silent.

A moment later, Selene started talking about something else. She thought she changed the subject. Little did she know, she was about to answer her questions herself.

Selene said she read an article on the internet. It described a new law now in effect in her area. It protects workers from retaliation when they enforce COVID-19 policies in their workplace.

After reading the article, Selene said, she liked the new law. She told me she thought about how cool it would be to have an experience where she could use it.

I looked at Selene silently. She got my look and smiled. It didn’t need saying, but I said it anyway:

“There is no mystery about this experience,” I said. “You were in your positive momentum of the holidays, feeling good, revelling in joy with your family. Then you read this article and felt confidence in the new information. Feeling confident, you declared wanting to use that law. So you created an experience consistent with your declaration: an opportunity to use it.”

transamorous realities come from beliefs — Who comes into your experience depends on the stories you tell.

It’s obvious once seen

Life always shows how stories create reality. Most miss the connections, because they don’t believe that’s what’s happening. So when something happens now, they forget past nows wherein a story was told that creates the now happening.

Once you know how to see the clues, they’re obvious.

Here’s the formula using Selene’s example:

Selene felt wonderful from previous nows with her family. Those previous nows were born of work she’s been doing with The Transamorous Network for the last two years about her family.
In her wonderful feeling, she attracted a news story specifically about her work as a customer-facing employee. It’s likely Selene had an unexpressed desire to feel more protected at work around COVID and her gender. Thus her life experience revealed this news to her.
In the revealing, Selene felt better about her work as a customer-facing Starbucks employee. That confidence took it a step further: it had her express a desire for an experience matching that confidence, which would bolster said confidence.
Then she dropped the whole idea. She thought about it no further. She didn’t share the article. She forgot it until she brought it up in our session.
In forgetting it and not sharing it, she allowed momentum of her story to grow without any competing stories.
So, in only a few days, she got exactly the experience she wanted.

It always works this way…or it can

This is how stories always create reality. The reason why transgender and trans-attracted people have such a hard time meeting their matches, or getting anything they want, is because they resist what they want by focusing almost totally on what they don’t want.

They focus on sucky relationships they have or had. They focus on sucky relationships other trans or trans-attracted people share on social media. They think about tranny chasers, gold diggers and “hoes”. They are impatient with not having the relationship they want. They wallow in loneliness, yearning and sadness.

If instead transgender and trans-attracted people talked about positive things happening in their lives, about the positive aspects of relationships they DO have, about things they enjoy about their lives now, their lives would gradually include more of those things. And less negative people, experiences and circumstances.

Loving relationships aren’t hard to find. But if you think they are, then they are hard to find. The way out isn’t looking for loving relationships when you think they’re hard to find. The way out is changing your story about relationships.

January 1, 2021January 1, 2021

Fall In Love With Your Trans Attraction In 2021

Happy New Year to all the trans, trans attracted and transamorous people reading this. This year offers a new opportunity, one in which you find empowerment, instead of shame, joy, instead of embarrassment, freedom, instead of bondage and love in who and what you are.

All this is available NOW. The moment you tell better stories about who and what you are. Your love of transgender people is wholesome. Being trans attracted is good.

You don’t need a new year’s resolution to know that. All that’s needed is that you see yourself as you are: worthy of all you want, creating a world containing all you want, surrounded by desires of all kinds, each one fulfilling themeselves.

That includes having that partner you want. Whether you’re transgender, trans attracted or transamorous, whatever kind of relationship you want you can have. But only if you’re a match to that relationship.

Happy New Years trans and trans attracted

Honor your trans attraction in 2021

Is 2021 going to be the year you become a match to your relationship desires?

Last month a Transamorous Network client, only four months into his 1:1 sessions, sent a message to his church: he was moving on.

He realized the church tells disempowering stories, not only about Christianity, but also about being an LGBTQ person. I know some guys find it hard to take, but if you’re trans attracted, you’re part of the LGBTQ family. That doesn’t mean you’re “gay” though.

Sending that message was monumental. It was an act born of his desire to own who he is and free himself from living small, living safe but scared and worried about what others think. He’s now reaching for his empowerment, on his own terms.

As he told me what he had done, a new version of him emerged. A version who honors his trans attraction as an important part of who he is. He’s inspired by what he now sees is possible: a life full of exactly what I wrote in the first paragraph above.

Trans attraction demands living authentically

Churches make people believe that church is the doorway to salvation. That’s never the case. Especially if you’re trans attracted.

More often than not, church leads to exactly the opposite. My client realized this, and in just four months is leaving his church. This process actually happened in the last 30 days of working with The Transamorous Network.

In the previous three months, this client wrestled with his old stories as we looked at them through the lens of what we do in The Transamorous Network 1:1 sessions.

Leaving the church was important. So long as he continued with the church, he would not be a match to the woman he wants, or the life he craves. Becoming a match required living his authenticity, which includes moving from closeted chaser to becoming transamorous.

Your positive transformation hold all you want. (Photo by Amanda Jones on Unsplash)

Your transamory offers positive transformation

Ironically, three months into his 1:1 sessions, he met a trans woman who also happened to be a well-known porn actress. They hit it off, but my client felt a mix of negative emotions about her.

Successful and looking for the same in a parter, she was confident, bold and clear about what she wanted, as some transgender women are. But she unnerved my client. Who she was being intimidated him.

He knew his church would not approve, to put it lightly. Trans AND a porn actress? Really? LOL. But meeting this woman was a perfect catalytic event: As much as it unnerved him to think about being with her, my client desired what she represented. And that desire was enough to spark a transformation.

We looked at stories he told about her, stories adopted from his church, stories which, together with his desires for her, fueled an inner conflict.

trans attraction brings more than love — Your trans attraction feels like it’s only about love. But it’s about so much more. (Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash)

Trans attraction is about more than love

I told him this conflict represented a momentous opportunity waiting to bring him everything he wants. The inner conflict he felt indicates he is not yet a match to this woman. Which explains why the relationship, so far, appears to be over.

That relationship wasn’t about him ending up with her though. It was about catalyzing a change within this client leading to greater freedom and the fulfillment of everything he wants. Not only in love, but in all life areas.

But having had that relationship, and seeing what was possible from new stories emboldened this client. In the following weeks he started telling more positive stories. Those stories prompted the message to his church.

This client isn’t a sinner. He doesn’t need saving. He creates his reality, he is not dammed because of his beliefs or acts, or who or what he is. What he is is a wondrous, joyful being who is here to have whatever life experience he wants.

Transamory is freedom

Another 1:1 client had similar experiences over the last nine months of 2020. It’s taking him longer, but he too has left his church. New stories clarified for him how much he lived in bondage born of old stories adopted from his religion.

Like the previous client, he met a trans woman too, someone with whom he has many things in common, someone he finds astonishingly fresh, real and attractive.

His old stories created realities inconsistent with his trans attraction. Today, he’s changing that though. He’s getting a divorce from his cisgender wife. And though it’s a bit turbulent right now, he sees more and more how moving towards his new stories offers a life far more joyful and empowering.

Whether trans, a chaser, trans attracted or transamorous, we are all here to transform the world through our own self-transformation. Our self-transformation will turn shame and embarrassment into delight and joy for ourselves and for others. Recovering and then living our authenticity will bring freedom from old stories that have us live in fear, shame and worry.

The payoff is life experience equal to our wildest dreams, yes, in love, but also in every other life area.

I know we can have everything we want, including the relationship we want with the person we want, whether we’re trans or trans attracted.

But we can’t get there while standing in stories which create emotions such as fear, shame, and worry.

This year, give yourself the gift of joy, freedom and empowerment available in your self-transformation. Get the love you crave. Tell more positive stories about what you want. Then watch what happens.

Happy new year!

ADDENDUM: It’s Jan. 1 at 4:30 PM. I wrote this post at 3 am this morning. This is so cool as a follow-up. The first client I mentioned in this post, this afternoon sent the following text message. It perfectly punctuates what he’s getting from his 1:1 sessions:

They lyrics of that song “Drive” are a perfect treat, pounding home his realization. Definitely worth a listen:

December 29, 2020December 15, 2020

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I think I just want to be loved for me and feel like I matter to someone. I have been invisible to the women I had been drawn to and treated like trash by those that I did have relationships with. I did meet a transwoman that I was very attracted to more than physically but the fear of being penetrated again (I’m a survivor of molestation) caused me to flee when the time came to get physical.

I’ve been in doomed relationships ever since. I feel I missed out on a chance to be happy with someone. I guess fear and dogma have a lot to do with why so many shy from these relationships. I’d try again with a transwoman if she made me feel safe in the relationship.

I love feminine bodies but have grown weary of ciswomen’s mind games. Which, I’m sure, makes me an asshole. We’ll.. that’s my rant.

Clifton

Hey Clifton,

Wow, there are a lot of stories you have going on in this “rant”. Have you read our content on our website? It would be helpful if you did.

Take, for example, the story “I’ve been in doomed relationships ever since”. How on earth are you to have a fun, enjoyable and fulfilling relationship with anyone (including yourself) if you believe every relationship is a “doomed” one? You can’t!

Another powerful story: “I feel I missed out on a chance to be happy with someone.” You can never miss out because there’s always another relationship on the way. And…each subsequent one is better than the one before it. But you can’t know that though if you “…feel I missed out on a chance to be happy with someone.” With that story, you only get what the story is creating: regret, loneliness and longing.

That sucks.

But life is supposed to be fun and full of fulfilled desire.

There are other even more unhelpful stories you’re telling here. All of them shape your experience. The good news is, you don’t have to have experiences tied to these stories. But you must stop telling these stories first, to have the other experiences. We show people how to do that.

More good news: you said “I guess fear and dogma have a lot to do with why so many shay away from these relationships”. That’s absolutely accurate. There are other reasons too, many of which apply to you. We can say that based on what you wrote here. But your slight awareness of what you have going on can lead you out of troubles you’re experiencing. It all begins with the stories you’re telling.

TTN