Category: Cis-trans relationships

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Letters@The Transamorous Network

Lovd@The_Transamorous_Network

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi,

I for most of my life have lived and thought of myself as a straight man. Now though I feel I am also attracted to trans women pre and post SRS. I prefer women but I’m also attracted to trans women. I am from India and we have this under a taboo subject line. So I haven’t told anybody yet. I just want to understand my sexuality better. I have only felt sexual attraction to trans women yet, maybe because I don’t know any trans women. If you were familiar with India, you would probably know that here transsexuals don’t really live with everyone else as a community. They are sent or left with other transsexuals and don’t really come in contact with the rest of the society generally. I hope you’ll understand my confusion and help me understand my sexuality. I accepted it quite some time ago. The first time I felt it, I was scared but soon I realised it’s who I am, and accepted it.

Kumar K.

Hi Kumar,

That you are writing us indicates your willingness to want to understand more of what and who you are. Congratulations! Yes, we’re very familiar with how Indian society regards Hijira. Here are some things to consider, based on what you wrote:

Regarding your sexual orientation: It doesn’t matter if you’re bi or straight….or even gay really. Although “totally” gay men aren’t usually attracted to transgender women because gay men are attracted to men. However, we have had both gay men and gay women (lesbians) contact us asking for help with their attraction to trans men and trans women. The point is, whether you’re “straight” or not doesn’t matter.

That said, some transgender women who aren’t fully secure in who they are, avoid men who are bi or otherwise not “straight”. That’s because some transgender women feel insecure about themselves. They feel insecure because they tell stories that conjure insecurity. Rather than changing their stories, finding their invincibility then dating from there, they try soothing their insecurity through validation from prospective partners.

So a “totally straight” man is usually what they are looking for because a “totally straight” man will validate that they are women. A guy who is somewhere in the middle, i.e. not so straight, will trigger their stories and thus their insecurity.

The problem with insecurity-producing stories is they match the story teller with people who are themselves insecure. This is why so many trans women complain about DL men: they meet so many DL men because DL men are insecure and thus match the women’s insecurity.

Everyone always meets their match. If you’re insecure, you’re going to meet insecure people when dating.

That said, there are lots of transgender people who are secure in their self-awareness, their stories and beliefs and choose partners from there. Such trans women are open to men who are not totally straight because the men’s non-straightness doesn’t threaten the women.

Your orientation is not that important relative to your attraction. But your stories about your orientation create circumstances consistent with them. You just want to be aware of that.

A “straight man” is always attracted to attractive transgender women…until they find out the woman is trans. This is because the idea of a “transgender” person threatens their insecurity (their negative stories about themselves) as a straight man, in the same way a bi male might threaten the insecurity of a transgender woman. Is this making sense to you?

So a straight man is usually at the very least intrigued….when they meet an attractive transgender woman. A secure straight man would not be reviled by the presences of a transgender woman, for example.

On your preferences: Good for you. As you come more into owning who and what you are, you may refine your preferences. But for now, it’s totally ok to have the preferences you have.

On taboos: One of the reasons you chose to be born in India is to explore your sense of self-identity juxtaposed against a society which is very strict about how one thinks about one’s self compared to others. You also are there to “shake things up”. This is, generally, what all trans-attracted men came to do. Same with transgender women.

You came into the world appreciating the marvelous diversity of life. The more you are secure with who you are, you give room for others to do the same. If you think about this regarding the women you now accept being attracted to, you offer them a great gift: proof through your sincere, honest and transparent attraction to them that they are worthy of being. And of being loved. That’s huge.

It’s a fascinating journey Kumar. One that has lots of wondrous experiences in store for you.

TTN

Hi again,

Thanks for the reply. I really appreciate it and would like to answer that yes I understand what you are saying. If I am being completely honest with you I would say I prefer women. I always have and it’s natural to me. But I also find trans women attractive as I already said in my last email. I don’t really care if they are pre SRS, I am still attracted to them. Because post SRS they are basically women. They don’t need to explain themselves to anyone. I won’t so much say that I am attracted to men, but yes I have thought as far as a kiss maybe, but nothing more, and it has only happened on rarest of rare occasions. To be exact, twice. It’s just really freeing to actually Converse with someone about this. Thanks for the reply. It really means a lot to me. 

Kumar

Hi again Kumar,

You’re welcome. Good you’re understanding. It’s ok to prefer women. You haven’t been with a transgender woman yet 😂.

It’s interesting too that you’re exploring outer edges of who you are, for here in your second reply you admit experiencing physical intimacy to some degree with men. This shows this whole idea of “straightness” filled with more holes that most people think. Humans would be better off dropping stories claiming there’s only “men” and “women” and “Gay” and “Straight”.

Keep exploring!

TTN

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Letters@The Transamorous Network

Lovd@The_Transamorous_Network

Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi The Transamorous Network,

I’m a transgender woman. I worked with a man for a couple years who was a superior and I had a really strong chemistry with. People said we acted like an old married couple.

I kind of grew to have a lot of love for him (not in love, as that’s way different) There was always some flirtation and other people noticed how differently he treated me vs my team mates.

Anywho when someone confronted him about me liking him, he said “I ain’t dating no [deadname]” mind you he met way after I transitioned. He very obviously would check me out when I would change out of my work clothes before I headed out for the day. We no longer work together but I handed him my phone number on his last day as a friendly gesture (he had/maybe still has a gf who isn’t so great to him, so I hear).

I think he’ll eventually creep his way back into my life one way or another, I’m giving it time though because I know that the pressure on cishet men to admit their attraction to trans women can be a lot. I’m definitely learning to be more patient with men. Your website has really intrigued me and opened my eyes a little and I’m looking forward to future posts and videos!

Janis in Joplin, MI

Hi Janis,

We can tell you are changing your stories so that you have more positive experiences with trans-attracted men. How do we know? How you write about this experience. How you tell your story is about as neutral to positive as we’d expect given your experience. That you’re willing to continue to give him a chance says a lot too.

When a trans woman (or anyone) stands in non-judgement, life will amaze her. You can expect life will bring you more men consistent with your non-judgmental, open perspective towards men interested in transgender women.

In time, as you continue in this direction, you’ll find the men showing up meeting more and more what you’re looking for. That’s a lot to look forward to!

Your intuition is key. Just make sure you’re hearing your intuition and not something else, like a negative friend in your head, or your own past negative stories. This is key also, and we think you’re getting it.

For example, it’s one thing to have a thought that says “he’s making me out as a sex object.” then making a decision based on that, without feeling bad about the fact that he may be doing that.

It’s another thing entirely to have a thought that says “he’s making me out as a sex object.” then getting pissed about it, complaining about it to yourself and your friends, blogging about it, making a YouTube video about it, making the guy wrong about it and then making a decision based on all that. The former reaction moves you forward. The latter moves you forward too…right into another similar experience.

Sounds like you’re moving forward in a good way. That’s good. Keep that up and you’ll see. Your life will get way better. And not just with men.

This guy will come back into your life if you two are a match. Everything you experience matches your stories.

Finally, good that you’re getting how challenging it is for men. The more transgender women get this, the more quickly the entire dynamic between transgender women and the men who love them will change for the benefit of all involved. We’re glad we’re doing our part to make that happen.

TTN

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Honey (positive stories) attracts more bees

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You get more bees with honey, i.e., you’ll find your lover by first becoming sweet. I know I get better results when I think positive thoughts, i.e, when I tell better-feeling stories.

Even better results come when I open up and allow my positive stories to dominate my awareness. Doing that, everything I want comes into view. I see differently, subsequently I feel differently and life matches that.

That’s why living in positive stories feels good and also creates life consistent with feeling good. When I’m positive, I’m more confident, I love myself more. Like a blossoming flower, bees find me, I don’t need to look for them. So too transgender women find me, I don’t need to go after them.

I like knowing that. I knew that Tuesday morning after waking. It felt so good in fact I wrote this:

Clarity in wake state feels like cool wind on hot, sun splashed days. A welcome relief. Negative thoughts ringing loud and clear, are clarions sounding future wake state moments, a future foretold, my future, a future unwanted.

Aware now, I resist resisting these thoughts. Old habits of pushing against unwanted thoughts give way to appreciation: I know now that every unwanted thought turns into improved thought when allowed passage via dispassionate observance rather than wishing they weren’t there and thereby giving birth to resistance.

April showers, they come and go, leaving fertile, softened soil, perfect conditions for soon-to-sprout goodness. So too are my negative thoughts, better termed “unwanted”. Like sprouting seeds my unwanted thoughts give way to new realities which draw to them fulfilled wishes like bees to blossoms. Like bees to blossoms, these fulfilled wishes prompt smiles of joy, satisfaction and more.

After all that deliciousness I created the gif above. So cool how creativity begets more creativity. That’s exactly the process that creates physical reality. And it’s the process trans-attraction fulfills itself when no resistance stands in the way. In other words when I don’t tell negative stories.

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Relationships bring wonderful realizations.

Sometimes_TTN

Relationships bring wonderful realizations. The harder they go, the more value they offer. Even when a person finds a match (and everyone a person meets is a match) that doesn’t mean the relationship will be hunky-dory. Stories create reality. So if a person‘s stories reflect negative realities, all their relationships reflect those stories. I know if I can’t find a partner, it’s only because of stories I’m telling. Reality reflects our stories so we can see them, then do something about it. Partners do that too. But the doing is a choice. I know I can choose doing nothing. But then I suffer. Like my clients sometimes. 

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Letters@The Transamorous Network

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Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. Here’e the first. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

So I’m a pretty passable decently attractive trans woman in my early 20s. I live in a small town and there is a man that I started texting from tinder since early 2017. He never wanted to meet up and told me to keep our interactions quiet/not to tell anybody that we talk.

Every single text conversation with him he has always turned it into a point of sex or asking for trans porn referrals. I stopped talking to him because he was too scared to take me out on a date in fear of others finding out or knowing that I was trans. I was especially done talking to him after I told him that I’m not interested in hookups, so he asked me if I have any trans girlfriends that are!

He just reached out to me and I told him I was no longer interested and he said that “he’s changed” and that he’s “ready to openly date a trans woman” because he allegedly went on some dates with another trans woman (probably someone I know too given the small town). He said that he’s only interested in me because I’m preop and that if I had “the surgery” he would no longer be interested in me. Isn’t this ridiculous or am I wrong?

To me this is saying “I like you but if you gained 10 pounds I’d have to break up with you”. Am I wrong to think this is poor behavior?

Chrissy in Chehalis

 

Hi Chrissy,

Have you seen our illustrated guide to the Tranny-chaser to Transamorous Journey? It might be helpful for you.

In short, if you think this is ridiculous then you’re telling stories that will bring more of these situations to you. Instead, you could put aside your judgement and see what happens. You don’t have to compromise what you want at all. But there is a story you’re telling that is bringing this kind of guy into your life.

Sure his behavior could be judged as poor. As well as judging a guy (or a girl btw) who might want a person who does not gain weight as having poor behavior. But a preference is a preference. They are all personal and they’re all valid (for the person with the preference).

But just because it’s a preference HE has, doesn’t mean YOU have to agree with it. The opportunity lies in how you (dis)agree. If you call it “ridiculous” then you’re in trouble.

Instead, appreciate the guy’s presumed movement forward however it happened. Appreciate that he likes you well enough to have come back. Appreciate the attention.

And, if you prefer a man desire you for other reasons, politely tell him no thanks. Be calm. Better yet, appreciate the experience for the clarity you now have: Now you know more clearly what you want…and what you don’t. That’s great awareness.

Never compromise what you want because you can always have what you want. But you shoot what you want in the head when you judge (tell a negative story about) what you don’t want.

Does that make sense?

Everything in your experience is there reflecting your stories. Change your stories and the guys you meet will change.