We love it when transgender women write to us with vitriol. When they double down on their disempowering stories, we know they’re creating more of what’s making them miserable. Their words have nothing to do with us.
Let’s forget the fact her assumptions about me are totally wrong. Being a non-binary person of color would argue for a LACK of privilege, were I concerned about such things.
But since I’m not, I’d rather focus on the rest of her comments. For such comments say way more about Madonna than the thing she criticizes so vehemently.
You can’t have it both ways
When transgender women make such comments, they’re shooting themselves in the foot. Such a person struggles finding happiness and a life wherein everything they want happens effortlessly. To such people a default joy is literally impossible. Telling such stories creates that reality for them. Then they say what Madonna said above.
Again, telling negative stories only reinforces whatever experiences cause one to make such comments. What’s really happening though is, the person first creates the story. Then they experience circumstances confirming the stories. But they don’t know this is happening. They think experiences come first, then they conclude from that experience.
And that’s why they create realities in which they see everyone enjoying more privilege than them. Accept for those who share similar stories.
Strangely enough, everyone is over-privileged. All humans enjoy so much privilege, they can use that privilege to create anything. Including lives so oppressive they think they enjoy no privilege at all.
Stories create reality. There’s no way around that. But misery loves company. Which means, the more miserable a person is, the more misery they’ll experience. Then, when someone shows them a happy alternative, that person will double down on their misery instead. For them, their experience is true. Which it actually is. But it needn’t be.
Some are buying though
Despite this woman’s wrong assertion, transgender women are “buying” what we offer. As a result they find empowering careers, free themselves from suicidal thoughts and experience increasing success at love. Most importantly, they accept themselves more.
Same with trans-attracted men.
We don’t need every one of them buying. But for every one who does, that’s one more person realizing, owning and living a life wherein all they want, happens effortlessly. Who won’t feel perpetual joy experiencing that?
So we know what we offer works. Some aren’t going to get it though. Like Madonna here, they’ll keep on telling negative stories. I prefer playing with transgender women and trans-attracted men who want the perpetual joy we offer.
Every once in a while, a cis woman will write us in despair. These women share “betrayal, shock and sadness” they feel after discovering their husband’s involvement with transgender women. Their discovery usually comes “by accident”, which is why such women express so much shock.
Such a message came our way in the comments section recently:
My husband is trans attracted. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband.
His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. Iām completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.
Many trans-attracted men wind up married to cis women. That’s because the shame and self loathing they feel about who and what they are has them repress what they want. In exchange, they go for what society tells them they “should” want.
Acceptance is hard
But the price they pay is far too great. Not only do they set themselves up for pain later on, they also, potentially, set up their partners and perhaps children. I totally understand their choices though. I married two cis women. The first I married totally oblivious to my trans attraction. The second marriage I walked into with my eyes open. It wasn’t about love. It was about giving the girl I married what she wanted. She knew about my trans attraction.
So I understand when men like me choose a cis woman over a transgender one. They don’t know what they’re missing when they do that. And, in my opinion, trans attraction will not suffer compromise. Soon or later, it will express itself. That’s why more and more cis women speak of betrayal and shock when they discover their husband “fucking trannies”.
Accepting our trans attraction can be a fraught-filled path. We face potential ridicule from friends, ostracism from family and potentially debilitating self-condemnation. As if that weren’t enough, men like us also often face humiliation, ostracism and ridicule from targets of our affection: the very women we find ourselves irresistibly attracted to.
So I don’t blame guys like me who try resisting their trans attraction. As I said though, that comes at a cost. The most expensive cost is lack of self acceptance.
When guys like us don’t embrace our natural, normal attraction, we give off insecurity vibes. Those vibes attract transgender women who are matches to that. Which is why men like me struggle with their attraction. They wonder why they keep meeting less-than-desirable trans girls. Trans girls who reject them.
Shame is common among many trans-attracted men (Photo by Aaron Blanco)
Self loathing masked as attacking men
Getting rejected by trans girls, while common, needn’t be any trans-attracted guy’s experience. But it will be if guys don’t accept themselves. When they do though, their entire dating experience will change.
The same happens, of course for transgender women.
Transgender women who don’t accept their trans-ness can’t abide by a guy who finds them attractive, in part, because they’re trans. Some trans girls agree with society. They think they are somehow “a mistake” or “born in the wrong body”. They can’t accept and embrace the fact that they chose this path as does every trans-attracted person.
Why anyone would choose transamory or being transgender is easy to answer, but it’s beyond the scope of this post. The point is, when a transgender woman calls a trans-attracted person a “tranny chaser”, “chaser” or some other derogatory term, they’re essentially saying “my status as a transgender person isn’t valid. So if you’re wanting me for that reason, you must be a freak, a fetishizer, fiend, or abnormal.”
We don’t call men who chase vagina “chasers”. We accept their behavior as “normal”. But what is normal? And is normal something someone really should strive for?
I don’t think so.
It’s better embracing one’s trans-ness as well as one’s trans-attraction. Men go through a “hyper” stage wherein they try fucking as many vaginas as possible. Girls go through their own process, but society makes it bad and wrong to express that overtly, so women don’t talk about it, or express it as directly as guys.
Many transgender women go through similar experiences. They seek out as much dick as they can. In other words, they’re exploring themselves.
Transgender women hating on trans-attracted men say more about their self-image than the men they hate (Photo by Engin Akyurt)
We’re a match to what we get
Trans-attracted men go through similar stages. If a trans woman doesn’t want to meet such men, who are going through a period of radical self-exploration, they need to up their story game. They must tell different stories about a number of subjects. Stories about themselves, about dating, about men and about relationships to name a few of many.
This is the danger in stereotyping all trans amorous men as chasers. Many are just discovering their sexuality, or finally want to be honest about who they are. They may well be living with severe anxiety or depression due to their reasonable fear. So the outright rejection of all men expressly interested in trans women ultimately alienates whatever number of trans amorous men are capable of, or actively are trying to overcome that fear. [These men] are an example of people who desire an authentic, fulfilling connection with trans women; rejecting them has only caused harm.
It’s a question every transgender woman might want to ask themselves the next time they want call some guy interested in them a “chaser”.
Good advice for cis women
As for cis women married to trans-attracted men, I think we’re going to see many more such women suffering shocking surprises. The more society leans toward accepting transgender people, more men will cast off their shame. I think that’s a good thing.
Women married to trans-attracted men are settling. As much as a shock as it might feel, if such women really look at their relationship with their trans-attracted husbands, they will discover clues existed throughout their relationship.
It’s hard to see the signs the universe shows one when one is on the wrong path. Often, such signs only become clear in the rear-view mirror. I would suggest to such women that the end of their marriage, rather than being the worst thing that ever happened, could become the exact opposite.
It could become an inflection point leading to a more genuine and authentic relationship containing more of what the woman wants. And when that happens, doesn’t that mean the ending of the marriage was actually a good thing?
I think so. Life tends to work out. Life is more fun when seen from that lens and lived with that expectation. Telling positive stories about life helps build such perspectives. Want to know more?
In any case, here’s what you need to know from that research: Not a fucking thing!
Why on earth do we need to know what other people think about us? WE DON’T. We don’t need to know anything about what others think about us! And here’s the great news about that: The less we care, the more of what we want we will get. Including that perfect love many of us want.
It’s not our business
When transgender and trans-attracted people care about what others think about them, they unwittingly put the kibosh on everything they want. Nothing we want will come to us if we care about what others think. Doing so makes us feel like shit. And when we feel like shit we’re not a match to what we want.
Caring what other people think about us usually generates negative emotion in us. That’s intentional. Why is it intentional? Because the negative emotion tells us what we’re doing isn’t what we should be doing. Caring about what others think about ANYTHING we’re doing, or anything we want, makes us a match to their stories instead of our own.
And if those people think we shouldn’t exist, or they think we’re going to hell or whatever, then those negative stories instantly become ours. Unless we seek other’s approval ā and I don’t know why anyone would want that ā adopting other people’s negative stories serves us not one whit. When we do do that, we feel like shit. Feeling like shit tells us something important. It says “what you’re thinking about is going to get you more of what you’re thinking about. So knock that off!”
Besides, what can you do about what others think about us? Nothing at all. So it’s better to focus on our own business and let other people have their opinions.
What other people think about us is none of our business. It’s way better living life focused on ourselves, going for what we want and getting that.
How do we do that?
By telling better and better stories about ourselves. Telling better and better stories about the world around us. And choosing empowering stories about what we want instead of unwittingly adopting ones we don’t want.
Keeping focus pure
Why do we even care what others think anyway? Think about that. I mean, I get it. When little, parents indoctrinated us into thinking we needed to please others over pleasing ourselves. Teachers and education in general did that too.
But we’re not little anymore. We’re all grown. And so it’s time to start deliberately charting our course towards the life we came to live.
That means living our life our way. Not living the way society or parents or Christians or Americans think we should live. Their stories are their business.
It’s way more important that we care about why we care about what other people think of transgender and trans-attracted people than what their opinions are. That’s because the story behind why we care misguides us. It’s time to do something about that story. Start by giving up caring.
If we keep our focus pure, meaning, we tell stories only about what we want and not about what we don’t, things we want come to us fast. They don’t come instantly though. That’s because most of us have been telling stories opposed to what we want. Especially about love.
But over time, pure focus will replace that old momentum. Then, things wanted will start flowing in so fast, it will amaze.
It’s meant to be
That’s already happening. We all are allowing so many things we want, I’m surprised so many transgender and trans-attracted aren’t seeing that. Then, again, I’m not surprised. Because awareness is a powerful thing. If I’m not aware that all I’m wanting flows to me constantly, then I can’t see it flowing constantly. Not seeing that, I get cranky or impatient, which slows things down more.
If I develop a chronic criticism about myself, about life, about transgender women or about being trans-attracted, then life becomes depressing.
Thankfully, my life flows with all kinds of abundance. Which is why I’m sharing this and other posts I share.
LIFE CAN BE FUN. AND IT SHOULD BE. Because that’s the way it’s intended.
That includes every transgender person and every trans-attracted person getting all they want in love. We needn’t struggle with that or anything else. But we do struggle when we tell stories contrary to the story “life can be fun”. Or when we worry about what others think about us.
Everything we want is flowing to us. But if we’re now aware, if we can’t see it, then it appears as though that’s not happening, even though it is. (Photo by Fuuj on Unsplash)
Let life love you
Caring about what others think about trans-attracted and transgender people doesn’t serve us. All it does is put us on a trajectory that includes more crappy feeling experiences.
Aren’t you tired of feeling crappy? How long do you need to feel crappy before doing something constructive about it?
Drinking, smoking weed, or wallowing in complaints about life aren’t “constructive”. By constructive I mean changing your stories. Then being on the lookout for the change your changes stories create. Then celebrating that, thus building momentum in the direction of what you want. Once momentum happens, what you want will come. Including love you think is impossible.
Turn your attention to things you care about. Then tell positive stories about those things. What should you care about?
How great it is that I’m transgender or trans-attracted.
That it’s wonderful being alive at this time when so many others like me exist out loud. Seriously, have you seen this new thing called Instagram?
Care about how fantastic it is that medical technology can do what it does for some transgender people.
It’s also amazing that more men and women are coming out as trans-attracted, thereby making the dating field more plentiful for us all.
Find your positivity. Love life and watch life love you back. Give up caring what others think. Then everything you want will flow.
Transgender and trans-attracted people seem to worship a false idol. It’s called hard work. Look around. So many of us are working so hard (and spending a lot of money) to find love. When instead, love can come easy. But it comes easily only if we take it easy and let it happen.
I’m not surprised so many struggle and spend a lot of money trying to find love. We’re on all kinds of dating sites. We go to bars, spend money on drinks trying to look cool. Then go home alone.
It’s the same approach we take to life in general. We spend, on average half or more of our waking lives working. Some dedicate far more of their waking hours to working hard. (For the record, because I follow my own advice, I now only work 8 hours a week and cover all my living expenses.)
Americans in particular are known for their workaholism. A client of mine on vacation in Spain talked with someone, a Spanish citizen, who described her opulent and leisure lifestyle. In doing so, she said āAmericans live to work. We Spaniards work to live.ā
There’s no honor in being transgender or trans-attracted and venerating working hard as the path to a relationship. If we knew more about how life works, our struggle at getting a relationship would dramatically decrease. We’d instantly find ourselves in a loving relationship. Then, everything else we want would easily flow from that.
Indeed, the easy life carries far more productivity potential. Thatās because when one takes it easy, following both intuition and passion instead of doing what others expect of them, remarkable things happen. And they happen because them happening expresses nature’s grace for everyone, including transgender and trans-attracted people.
Runaway success is natural
Take a look at the paradox described by āworking hardā. Many people work very hard in their lives and barely get anywhere. The working poor are a great example. But so are many of the middle class. Many people in the middle class struggle mightily working hard and just barely cover their needs and wants. Or they get far enough to amass material pleasures. But since many middle class people finance such things, they end up working even harder to pay off credit cards, mortgages and car loan debt.
Others enjoy a smattering of success evidenced by promotions, vanity titles or a real supervisory role. But those āsuccessesā usually lead to more work as well.
And when it comes to runaway success, an even greater paradox exists. Some of the most successful put in hardly any work at all and find success near immediately, while others work very hard in the same field and get comparatively nowhere.
Take the case of Sir Lewis Hamilton, the first Formula One driver who happens to be a person of color. He is described as a race car āprodigyā. From a very early age, his parents recognized his instinctual attraction to racing. Everyone saw it. So everyone supported him as he rose far beyond others. Others working equally hard and some working even harder.
Racing prodigy Sir Lewis Hamilton owes his racing prowess to something more than hard work. Indeed, people marvel at his avant-garde approach to his sport, which included forays into music, fashion and enjoying life instead of working hard like others in the sport. (Photo By Morio)
Hamilton does behind the steering wheel what others rarely or never do. Indeed, his āhard workā was more about further developing his natural gifts, his passions, not struggling to achieve āsuccess” or accomplish anything.
Something else must be happening
I was just about to write ānot to diminish the effort Hamilton put into becoming a skillful driverā. But my desire to write that evidences my own indoctrination into our collective distortion; the distortion that āhard workā is the key to success. If it were the key to success, if it were instrumental in things going the way we want, why are so many hard working people not successful?
Which leads me to the following. Something else must be happening that allows some people to succeed with little effort and others, despite lots of effort, hardly ever get anywhere. This is the case for something larger having more influence on one’s success than how much effort or action one dedicates toward that goal. See where this is going?
So why is it some people who work so hard achieve comparatively little? I assert the answer has nothing to do with their hard work. Instead, it has far more to do with stories people tell.
Stories we hold create a resonance, or lack thereof, with whatever it is we decide is āsuccessā. Oneās image of oneself, what one believes is possible, and what one chooses to do from those perspectives shapes everything. Thatās why transgender and trans-attracted people first must love themselves before trying to find love from another.
Action of any kind, especially in relationships, means comparatively little.
The easy life for all
That resonance giving rise to inevitable success feels a certain way. And that feeling indicates a gradually emerging life that, initially, feels better than what it feels like when working hard towards a goal. It feels like freedom, adventure, positive expectation and empowerment on a consistent basis.
Most people experience such feelings infrequently or not at all. Such experiences explain why so many struggle or live mediocre lives or lives of compromise. Theyāre not resonating with success they claim they want. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people when it comes to finding a partner.
Weāre too busy trying to get there, copying what others do:Ā wading through online dating profiles, for example. We wonāt slow down and get in touch with that which will bring our lover to us. We donāt believe such a thing possible. So the relationship we want eludes us.
We all enjoy free will. All That Is wants us focusing our time and action living the easy life. Thatās because doing so adds to or fulfills that which we each as transgender or trans-attracted people came to fulfill. And in that fulfillment, All That Is becomes more.
People who struggle contribute to more too. But how many of those people ā were they in their right mind instead of the mind that has them struggling to find love ā how many of those people would trade what they have for the easy life? I would argue such people, in their right mind, would make that trade.
The easy life creates a path filled with joy ease and fun. It’s a life wherein transgender and trans-attracted people can leave the struggle behind. (My artwork)
Thatās because everyone knew that’s the life they would live before coming into the world. That easy life available to everyone of us, trans or trans-attracted.
Nature wants us happy
Instead, so many of us choose struggle. We all have free will, as Iāve said. We are all also eternal. So eventually, each of us, as individuals, learn to give up the hard life for the easy one. For many, that takes several lifetimes.
But for a select few, it can happen in this lifetime. By āselect fewā I don’t mean to imply that someone else, like some god, chooses the lucky ones. The select few select themselves. They are those who do something about stories they tell, about their lives, about themselves and about the love they want.
And when those people do that, their life becomes the easy life. In time, they leave struggle behind.
Many struggles we transgender and trans-attracted people have stem from thinking we must do it all to get what we want. Thinking that way, we usually end up feeling discouraged and bitter. We complain about life, men, transgender women. We even complain about who we are.
I suggest we give up all of that. Do that and a whole new world opens up. One in which everything we want happens easily.
Like any false idol, working hard to get love results in emptiness and a poor substitute for fulfillment. I suggest we give that idol up. Of course, I can help with that.
I once contemplated suicide. This was long before I discovered my transamory. In high school, I dated one of the prettiest, most popular girls. One day, she quit dating me. Her parents didn’t approve apparently. Drawings I made of her and I engaged in sexual acts, which her parents found, didn’t help my case…
So much did her parents disapprove that they dropped the bomb, in person…on my mom. They showed up at my home one day and, in no uncertain terms, told mom I wouldn’t see their daughter any more.
My adolescent heart broke. Not knowing what I know now, I thought my youthful world ended right there. What was the point of living without her?
Obviously, I didn’t take my life. It was a momentary blip. The next day, the experience past, I moved on. So did my ex, apparently.
That’s why I understand the dismal place people find themselves where suicide seems logical. Whether trans, trans-attracted, cis or hetero it doesn’t matter. Getting to the place where suicide makes sense sucks. But it needn’t suck. Nor need it be fatal.
Instead, it can be the best launching pad to a better life.
Emotions as divining rods
Suicidal thoughts feel scary. Especially when they sneak up on you. But do they though? Are people contemplating suicide happy one moment, then, voila!, they want to die?
Of course not. Suicidal thoughts usually come to ordinary folk after a long period of gradual, increasingly negative thoughts. As such, suicidal thoughts resemble any other thought and its associated momentum.
Thoughts trigger emotions. Nothing else does that. Anyone can figure this out by watching where their emotions come from. The common refrain that “X made me” sad, or angry or jealous is a lie we tell ourselves constantly. No one makes someone else feel anything. How someone feels depends on thoughts that person thinks about what they’re thinking about. That’s the only source of emotions.
Emotions are crucial. They help tell us many important things about every choice we’re making. Some of the most powerful thoughts humans think happen underneath our awareness. It’s not that they’re “unconscious”. It’s just that the thinker is oblivious to how they’re choosing to think about what they’re thinking about. Emotions, therefore, act as an immediate feedback mechanism for our thought-choices. Not just those we choose “unconsciously”, but ones we consciously choose too.
Emotions also tell a person what’s coming in the future. Yes, they’re a kind of divining rod, accurately and constantly predicting the future before the future comes.
But since most people don’t know this, they end up feeling chronically anxious, worried, doubtful, insecure and depressed. Then they’re frightened when suicidal thoughts show up. Thoughts they could avoid completely had they used their emotions, humans’ natural divining rod, appropriately.
Most people don’t understand emotions’ purpose. So they can’t fully benefit from their emotions. (Photo by K. Mitch Hodge on Unsplash)
Negative thoughts start it
Negative thoughts, and their associated emotions, essentially tell the thinker “stop how you’re thinking or you won’t like what comes next!”
Suicidal thoughts do the same, but at volume 10. They say “Dude! Wake the fuck up! You’re heading somewhere you’re not going to like!” That’s why thoughts about killing one’s self feel so awful. If someone thinking about suicide looks back across their “thinking” history, they will find a succession of increasingly negative conclusions about life, themselves or some situation. They’ve been thinking thoughts on a variety of subjects that are grossly inaccurate. And they’ve felt increasingly awful-feeling emotions along the way.
So suicidal thoughts usually indicate a strong momentum of negative thinking (long held beliefs) leading to feeling unworthy, powerless, hopeless and depression; all emotions signaling immediate action is needed.
People generally panic or they double down when such thoughts happen because they donāt know how they happened or where they come from. So they donāt know what to do when they show up (thatās powerlessness), which exacerbates their feeling out of control (that’s helplessness). That triggers more fear and powerlessness and lack of control. See how that momentum builds up?
But such thoughts can be reversed with very little effort.
A client who had suicidal ideation found near-complete relief from such thoughts after one session.
What happens after the act
A hopeless or depressed person who kills themselves ends up where everyone else who dies ends up. They return to where they came, a place I call “nonphysical”. There, they remember everything they forgot when they became human. They remember they are an eternal being. Their awareness expands back into the Broader Perspective that guided them while in a physical body. They realize there’s far more to what they are than life on earth.
They also return to the pure positive, joyful energy being that is their natural state. In that state they also realize something else. They get that their exit from the life trajectory they chose was premature. They also see that, like a bad dream, experiences they feared were of their own making. A path they created that, had they kept walking, would have improved.
Human life experience offers so much rich and satisfying opportunity. It literally changes the being experiencing it in profound ways. It does the same for everyone involved.
The experience offers such profound opportunity, a being standing in nonphysical finds it irresistible. That’s why so many humans and other living creatures incarnate.
Post-suicide, these realizations deeply move the person. They remember the profound reason they chose human existence. That reason compels them so completely, they find themselves drawn right back into another body to resume the process they began. The process leading to profound transformation and elevation.
This doesn’t happen against their will. The happening happens because the being, the eternal being, knows what this experience offers. And it wants that.
Life offers profound transformation and elevation. (Photo by Liam Pozz on Unsplash)
A temporary fix at best
So suicide offers at best a temporary respite from a chronic series of interpretations that ran counter to what really happened. Instead of seeing their life unfolding in a beautiful, perfect, divinely-timed unfolding designed by them, they saw it as an awful experience over which they had no control.
Such distorted interpretations usually don’t lead to suicide. Otherwise far more people would kill themselves than do. Suicide happens less frequently because, most of the time, human consciousness, guided by its Broader Perspective enjoys an underlying propensity towards “good”. Inner guidance steps in well before the train gets near careening off its track.
Transgender people who commit suicide are no exception. Pain they experience before the act is self-generated. Taking one’s life releases the person from pain. But not from the joyful path they took on. Suicide represents a short detour before returning to finish what they started.
In the midst of suicidal thoughts, killing one’s self seems like a good idea. But it only prolongs the inevitable. (Photo by Kristina Tripkovic on Unsplash)
Suicidal thinking’s great potential
Killing one’s self looks bad and wrong and scary. But it’s none of these things. At worse, it’s a temporary detour. At best, it offers a reset for the eternal individual. A chance to recover that awesome awareness state from which the human journey began.
Ultimately, all paths lead to fulfilled desire and expansion of All That Is. No one need experience emotions leading to suicide. Such thoughts usually resolve themselves with just a little attention paid to creating other thoughts aligned with one’s Broader Perspective.
People thinking about killing themselves possess tremendous energy. Such people can transform then channel that energy towards their desires. In other words, a person contemplating suicide enjoys tremendous potential.
I help people learn to channel that energy. I show them how to improve their story telling. After that anything becomes possible. That’s what life holds for everyone. Unlimited possibilities available to all. That’s what makes life so worth living.
I think anyone would enjoy that. Why wouldnāt they? Because most people donāt realize how good life can be. I love helping folks realize lifeās goodness.
Thinking about committing suicide? Get help by dialing 988 in the US.
