Trans-attracted Men Who “Bottom” Are A-OK. (And, They’re Not Gay) [Guest Post]

Bernard Hermant INSTA2

[We received this letter from Jae, a recent new follower of our work. He sent this letter to us. We thought is good enough to share. Enjoy! P]

I’m writing in response to a heated exchange that I witnessed on FB the other day. I was unable to comment because I’m not “friends” with either of the people that were really going at it.

The topic was whether or not a man who receives anal from his trans woman partner diminishes his masculinity.

I was pretty surprised to see that this is still an issue, quite honestly.

One man appeared to be pretty absolutist on the topic, saying that any man willing to receive anal from his trans woman partner is in effect compromising his “manhood.”

There was another man who rebutted him saying that this was not the case at all. The two really went at it, yet the other still held his ground on the topic.

Quite frankly, I think this topic is outdated. It’s as outdated as questioning a transamorous man’s sexual orientation and resorting to societal labeling as “gay” or “bi-sexual.”

I am of the opinion that it is all about sexual tastes. Whether or not a man elects to receive anal from his trans partner should not define their level of masculinity.

I consider myself exceptionally fortunate that my circle of friends is pretty eclectic. I have hetero friends, gay, lesbian, bi-sexual, and trans (both m2f and f2m) and I love and respect them all equally. I can attest that there are plenty of gay men who identify as “bottoms” in their sexual expression, yet are just as masculine as any alpha male, UFC fighter, NFL defensive end, etc.

You get the idea.

To question the “manhood” of a masculine gay man because he identifies as a bottom would definitely not have a good outcome, and could even result in a few missing teeth.

Either that, or the counter arguments would get drowned out from the waves of deafening laughter in the room from the gay, hetero, bi, and trans people who are informed and mature enough to realize that sexuality cannot be restricted to neat little outdated categories, which only promote homophobia.


The same could be the case with a man who is involved with a trans woman and takes the “bottom” role in their intimate expression.

Conversely, there are some trans women who identify as tops and yet, they are the epitome of feminine grace.

The problem is, there are so many men who have yet to outgrow the narrow-minded thought process of defining a man’s masculinity by their sexual expression. They are so hindered by archaic labels and roles that society continues to rely on, and the danger is that it naturally feeds right into homophobia.

I would hope that in the long run, the only thing that matters is that two consenting adults have been drawn together to savor the beauty of intimate time together physically and emotionally. In our case, it’s that a man has come to grips with his attraction to the inner and outer beauty of trans women.

Why does it matter what sexual tastes that they have anyway?

It amazes me that there are men who profess an attraction to trans women, yet resort to the same homophobic judgmental practices as to measure other men’s masculinity based on the sexual attentiveness that they share with their trans partners.

I wonder if this same population of self-proclaimed transamorous men who judge in this way, take something else into consideration. And that is: perhaps the men who are open-minded enough to receive anal are doing so in the spirit of mutual attentiveness and thus reciprocate the pleasure experienced with their transgender partners.

I think that men who find themselves attracted to trans women should also come to the realization that not every trans woman is okay with being the only one who receives anal intercourse. That there are some who may want to find enjoyment in making love to their male partners.

There’s nothing cookie cutter-ish about sexuality.

Men, for whom receiving anal is not a part of their sexual expression, can find trans women who prefer to receive anal only, and it brings them both to the heights of pleasure. And men who are open to giving and receiving anal as a part of their sexual expression can find “versatile” trans women who enjoy both roles. And again, it works for both people, providing a fulfilling experience.

That’s the beauty of it.

There’s someone out there for everyone and when the right connection is made, the awesomeness of that connection is immeasurable.

So it’s my hope that the infighting will cease among transamorous men in regards to questioning another man’s masculinity because of their receptivity to please their trans women partners in this way.

If anything, I even would go as far as to say that in doing so, these men in question are likely more secure in their masculinity than the men who are criticizing them.

Now isn’t that just wildly ironic?

All my very best to the awesome community of transamorous men and transgender women!


13 Replies to “Trans-attracted Men Who “Bottom” Are A-OK. (And, They’re Not Gay) [Guest Post]”

  1. Thank you for this. I am the bottom in my relationship with a transgirl and I constantly have to explain why I do not feel any less of a man when people inquire or find out. It is hard to deal with it sometimes, the name calling or the talking behind the back, it can be demoralizing. I love her and I love every part of her. She makes me feel like a king and never less of a man in and out of the bedroom, in the same way I try to make her feel like a woman. “Sexuality is fluid” – Just because she is the only one who penetrates in our relationship does not make me any less of a man. Why do some people not comprehend that it is a man’s role to take care of his woman? I am glad to hear that there are like minded people out there. It gives me hope.

  2. I love pleasing top trans women. I do not care what anyone thinks or what they call me. All that matters is making her feel good.

    1. Holy moly Julian. You just expanded my awareness. I so often hear the perspective of the trans woman, who complains about men like you from their perspective. But you’re offering a view I hadn’t heard before yet is DEFINITELY valid, both for guys who enjoy penetration and girls who enjoy penetrating. The guy CAN ENJOY OFFERING PLEASURE the woman seeks through penetration. It’s not like they’re doing it reluctantly. If they are they aren’t being authentic which is a problem. But if they authentically enjoy penetrating men, then they must derive pleasure from that. And so men who receive such acts are, indeed, offering pleasure to their girl. THANK YOU for this enlightening perspective. I’m going to write a whole blog post about it. More men (and trans women) can benefit from what you shared!

  3. Excellent thoughts. Here is another. I was lucky enough early in life to meet up with a female former class mate from high school whom I dated for a while. She was very aware that a finger massaging the male anal area outside and internally could take a guy places not previously discovered. WHOA, what is going on, was my first thought. Not a gay thing at all. A trans girl is very likely to be aware of this, right? A penis or a finger, either works and for a guy lucky enough to meet with the right trans girl either is an option. The other point is, you know if you are gay or straight. That should be all that matters. If you base your life decisions on what others think you are not going to be living your life, you are living a life restricted by your hangups. Be free, think for yourself.
    This “am I gay if I date a trans girl” thing needs to be put to rest. If you are trans attracted, not fetishising, but really trans attracted you know it, just the same as if you are gay attracted or any other attraction. Just as the flag is rainbow colors so is the attraction thing fully covering the spectrum. We are living in times where to meet the perfect mate is more than possible and to live a life of regrets seems a waste. Be honest with yourself and start living your life.

  4. Thanks for this! I totally resonate with this. I enjoy very much bottoming for a beautiful transgirl. I just don’t know how to find a girl like that.

  5. Jae is an amazing guy. He consistently amazes me with his thoughtful words, and his loving heart.

      1. In my relationship with my girlfriend, she is exclusively the top and I am the bottom. We both love our roles in lovemaking but we never confuse these roles with who we are as a man and a woman. She says there’s no one who makes her feel like a woman the way I do. So I must be doing something right lol!

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