Letters@The Transamorous Network

 

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_ 3

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Hi there! Been loving the podcast, which I just discovered…

I have a question, and it feels very uncomfortable to ask as I continue to learn about the complexity involved with trans women and how they transition and the sensitivity around their bodies and not wanting to offend them with stupid or possibly offensive questions…

I’m embarking on my first relationship with a trans woman…we met online and have been hitting it off…we were doing video chat the other night and I noticed for the first time a “5 o clock shadow” in the shape of a goatee on her face. Im doing everything intellectually to try and not judge, or feel anything about her is “lesser,” but I can’t help but feel a loss of attraction. Im also now struggling with my own journey because although I have been with a trans woman before and im very attracted to trans women, I fear my expectations around appearance are totally warped based on pornography…and now i’m worried about who and what i am actually attracted to and what this all means.

Thank you for having this forum and allowing me to be honest. Again im not trying to be judgmental; I am just having a real emotional struggle around what I saw and how I am supposed to feel about it. Any encouraging words…or you can give me tough love and put me in my place…would be much appreciated:)

Thank you.

Warmly,

Clayton

 

Hi Clayton,

This is Perry from The Transamorous Network. What a great email you sent. I’m going to explain why, then I’ll get to your question/comment/concern. I’m going to respond thoroughly to it, so this email will probably be a bit long. Just think of it that you’re getting your money’s worth 😂

Sounds like you’ve watched or listened to some of our interviews on our podcast or YouTube channel, so you have some idea where we come from. Where we come from can benefit anyone, but some aren’t ready for what we offer. That said…let’s start with how great your email is.

The fact that you’re willing to challenge your knee-jerk reaction to what you saw is so great. Most of the time, when a person has a belief confrontation (a belief or story that reality “confronts” or offers counterfactual data in the “face” of the story) that person usually will react to the emotion instead of what’s causing the emotion. I’m pretty sure you don’t know what emotions are for (the vast majority of people don’t) but the fact that you’re challenging your initial feelings is a great indicator.

That you’re clear enough to write it down without defending how you feel, or more importantly, the story you’re telling, means you’re open to creating and then holding onto a better story. One that will, over time, create realities consistent with it rather than the stories responsible for the reality you now are experiencing.

So, this is why I said your email is great. You’re open. That’s half most of the battle. 😊

So here’s the thing about trans women: like you, they are going through a transition. That means, there will be times when they may appear more like they’d rather not appear than how they want to appear. Unlike any photo, or movie (doesn’t matter if it’s porn) or any relationship you see on the street that you’re not a part of, you are in this person’s unfolding life experience. So you are seeing all that she wants you to see….and all that she doesn’t necessarily want you to see.

How you respond to that in a large way will determine how she feels, then reacts to, her emotions/thoughts/stories about herself, then about you, about men (I know that’s unfair), about relationships, and about life. So you play a big role in this person’s life.

This is a big part of what we show our clients. You aren’t playing the biggest role in her life (she is) but you are playing the biggest role in your life, with her playing a subordinate role in yours.

In other words, you both are participating in creating the experience each of you are having. This is important background.

We tell our clients the following: when you first meet someone, you are a complete match to that person. If you remain in the feeling-place you were in when you first met that person, your relationship will unfold wonderfully. Most people can’t do that though.

Most people start allowing old stories to get activated, just like you’re doing here. We talk about story or belief “constellations”: a web of related stories one has, over time, fused with their attention. So at the slightest provocation, they get activated and when they do, it’s hard for someone who doesn’t know what we offer to do anything other than go along with the behavior pattern associated with that constellation.

In a situation such as what you’re experiencing, usually a guy will feel what you felt after seeing her with facial hair, activate his old stories about what “women” and “men” “are”, and what they’re not, what they have, and what they don’t, how they look and how they don’t look…even though, for example, there are PLENTY of non-trans women with facial hair!

Then they’ll activate stories about themselves: about who they are and who they’re not, about what they are and what they’re not, they’ll entertain “what if” stories about being out with such a person, being seen with such a person, and THE STORIES THAT WOULD GET TRIGGERED ABOUT THEMSELVES WHEN IN THOSE SITUATIONS….even though those situations aren’t happening, and don’t have to happen.

Faced with too much negative emotion and not knowing what that means, the guy, the usual guy, will ghost the trans woman. Or pretend to still be interested, but over time fade away. Or they’ll abruptly leave the woman with no explanation, or a bogus one.

Does all this seem logical? It should, because it happens all the time, which is why trans women have so many bitter stories they tell all over social media. Trans women aren’t the only people subjected to such behavior. It’s universal.

Here’s the thing about the person you are “embarking on” a relationship with: when you first met her you were “hitting it off”. Now, you get to see and experience stories you have that will put the kibosh on this good thing you have if you continue putting energy into them. Your stories create your reality. Getting to see these stories is fantastic, if you know what to do about them, because if you didn’t know they were there, you couldn’t do anything about them. So this whole affair is a GOOD THING.

Although it usually isn’t thought of this way, “attraction” is an emotion. You felt that emotion because you were telling stories consistent with feeling that way. Now, after getting data that was, still is and is supposed to be helpful (data = the 5 O’clock shadow) you are no longer feeling attraction. That means you have activated a whole host of different stories (a constellation) about all the conditions of your relationships (and more) that if they happen, will be unsatisfactory to you.

The thing is, you are love in a body. But that love you are is UNCONDITIONAL. You feel love for others because that is what you are. But when you tell stories inconsistent with who you know yourself to be, you feel other than what you are (love). This is the work of a human: coming into synch with what they are.

When you get there (and you can) your love for others becomes unconditional. Even if they have a 5 O’clock shadow, you love them no matter what. It doesn’t mean you have to be with them, which I’ll get to in a moment when I talk about your expectations.

You can be with this person no matter how they look “right now” because “right now” is on a continuum of “becoming more and better”. She’s going to get better and better looking as she continues her journey. Along the way, you get to play a role. The question is, what role are you going to play? You don’t have to play one. Which leads me right to your expectations. (No tough love coming 😊)

You have expectations because they’re supposed to be met. Every one is supposed to be fulfilled. But that doesn’t necessarily mean instantly. Nor can they be met if you aren’t a match to them.

For example, let’s say you want a trans woman who looks like the girls you see in porn flicks: mostly feminine looking, “passable” and with a penis (I’m not saying that’s what you want, I’m just giving an example). But let’s say you don’t want a porn star, you want a trans woman who is professional and successful but looks like a porn star. Professional like a lawyer, or an accountant or something.

That trans woman, your ideal, is not going to tolerate someone who feels insecurity and fear about what others think about them. She’s not going to be ok with someone who is trepidatious about their own sexuality just because he likes sucking dick.

So listen, your expectations are meant to be fulfilled. But you must first become a match to the type of person you expect! If you’re not a match, you’re not going to meet them.

How do you know if you’re a match? Look at your now and what and who is in it. And who you’re being. It’s very easy to tell. And again, expectations will not be fulfilled instantly like magic. That’s not how life works. It’s gradual, it’s a process. Just like your friend’s transition is a process.

So what if she has a 5 O’clock shadow sometimes? Sometimes she doesn’t. Probably most times she doesn’t. Tell stories about how good she looks when she doesn’t and focus on those stories and watch how you find herself together with her more when she doesn’t have a 5 O’clock shadow than when she does.

Or, you’ll meet eventually a trans woman who is further along in her transition and thus more of a match to your 5-O’clock-shadow expectations. But remember what I wrote above about how expectations work: you first must become a match to them before they fulfill themselves.

Now, about judgement. Judgement gets a bad wrap by most everyone. But life experience is designed so that you get to choose what you want from what you don’t want. You do that by judging. So don’t besmirch your judgments. Just be aware of how you feel when you judge so you can tune your judging so you get what you judge you want instead of more of what you’re judging. How you do that is what I show my clients and is too complex to share here.

Anyway, you’re doing fine no matter what you decide about this situation. You clearly have more sensitivity to what’s going on inside you than most. Don’t be hard on yourself, and, above all, don’t think that trans women are scarce and that you MUST make this relationship work because they’re so hard to find. That’s the biggest story that trips up so many trans attracted guys, besides fearing what they are because they find themselves attracted to trans women.

Let me know if you have any other questions.

TTN

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_ 2

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

I feel bad. I see myself in a similar situation in the future. I am just too scared to meet with trans women. And I have been denying this for years and dating cis-women.

I’ve sometimes seen profiles in dating apps that emerged between cis women and stayed there reading and wanting to swipe right on that trans girl,  but ended up swiping left as my anxiety and fear would make things too hard.

At the same time I feel it’s unfair for the poor cis women I’ve dated in the past, although with some of them I’ve had a strong romantic attraction.

Jeb

Hey Jeb,

I once was there. I denied it for years. I didn’t fully embrace my trans attraction and let go of my fear and shame for a while. But then it got too unbearable not being fully myself.

I remember at the time dating a cis-girl. I went over to her house. She was the VP of an insurance company. Very smart. Pretty. Capable. Lovely.

But my desire for transgender women – which is a strong part of who and what I am – exerted itself. I felt great discomfort standing simultaneously in the reality where I was with this capable cis-girl, and the reality I knew was possible, a reality I call “having it all”.

So there I was, at her house. We were just chatting about nothing when all of a sudden, it came out of me. I blurted out “[her name], I can’t do this anymore. I love transgender women. I always have. I have to pursue that.”

I don’t remember what happened next. But I’m so happy I did that. The Transamorous Network, my current experiences…all of it…has come from that.

So really, my fear was more about being “out” about my trans attraction to myself than to others. Back then, my outer reality, the way I lived, matched my inner reality. I was miserable inside.

Now that those two are in synch I no longer feel fear or denial or misery. I feel the pleasure of integration and knowing, and confidence about the goodness of my desire.

You can have this too, Jeb. And you will. When you’re ready.

TTN

How to create the partner you want transgender or trans-attracted

This is one of our 1:1 clients. He is in early stages of his transgender transformation (He prefers he/him pronouns for now).

Like all of our clients he is getting immediate results in creating the relationship he wants. This is why we guarantee our results.

Our client is in a relationship with his son’s mother. Their relationship had been very rocky because our client was telling rocky stories about himself, about her and about his relationship. In three sessions, after cleaning up some of his unhelpful stories, his son’s mother started acting different.

In this clip, you can hear how he is settling into the fact that stories not only create one’s reality, they create people in reality too. Our client is now on his way to his dreams. He’s excited about the path and finds the work exhilarating, even while recognizing the work, in his words, can be a “blessing and a curse.”

We would say the work puts our clients where they belong: at the center of the Universe, ongoingly creating the Universe that surrounds them. From there it does seem like a blessing…when they’re creating their Universe on purpose.

When they don’t create on purpose, as our client says here, it becomes curse. The more our clients discover the joy of living through stories about what they want, living lives through stories they don’t want feels awful. But that’s good too. How else are our clients supposed to know when they’re creating on purpose, or creating through obliviousness?

Become a The Transamorous Network client and watch how not only your love life improves, but so does everything else in your Universe. Click this link to find out more

Letters@The Transamorous Network

Love@The_Transamorous_Network_

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:

Transwomen are not women. I wish we would stop saying that. That is INAUTHENTIC! I’m not dogging the attraction to transgender MTF – I’m just calling a spade a spade. They are NOT women. Maybe calling them that makes them and the men attracted to them feel better. But, I’m sorry, as a natal woman, I can say unequivocally, they are not women. That being said, your article has helped me as my husband is transattracted and I have known for a long time that I can’t meet his needs. Thank you for validating that.

Marcia

Hi Marcia!

You’re welcome Marcia. Yes. My wife couldn’t meet my needs as well. That didn’t make her bad or wrong. That’s just what was. What I learned from my marriage was she was a wonderful clarifier of what I really wanted. So our marriage was good for me. Perhaps you can see from a standpoint of the love you feel for him, that benefit you offer your husband.

It’s interesting. I participate in a discussion group of varied gendered people. When talking with both trans “men” and trans “women”, they revealed that they find being among cis-women and cis-men, now that they have transitioned, as very challenging. They find cis-people (men and women) far more distinct from them than they originally thought. It’s challenging acknowledging the accuracy of what you’re saying though because many, many, MANY transgirls want so bad to find a place to “fit in” rather than finding satisfaction and joy in their own distinctness, being as something different from both man or woman. It’s not as homogenous as you would think though. For there are, indeed, some transgirls who acknowledge that they are not “women”.

It’s all about the stories people are telling, right?

Until that unwillingness to accept themselves goes away, it’s going to be challenging doing away with this conversation. Part of our work at The Transamorous Network is having people authentically embrace who and what they are. For some, it’s a very long road. Glad we could help you chart your path.

TTN

Trans attraction and Knee “Jerks”

Insta Yuri Flips The Bird2

A client recently worried about how much her life changed since working with The Transamorous Network. She worried she had become so positive, she wouldn’t relate to her transgender friends, most of whom are negative, angry and bitter.

She also worried about whether she would find a partner. She felt so far from where she was before working with us that she wouldn’t be able to relate to “normal” men.

Her happiness, her positivity does set her apart. But is that really a problem?

Life experience matches beliefs. For many trans and trans-attracted people, that can bring love and fun and happiness. It also can bring anguish, fear, disappointment and discouragement.

Unless a person looks at what they’re thinking, life seems random, bringing a little bit of everything, good and bad. Depending on one’s dominant perspective, life generally gets better, stays the same, or gets worse.

When a person starts looking at what they’re thinking though, then does something about that, shaping their experience however they want becomes possible, consistent with the laws of physics, of course. A person may not fly like superman in their physical body, for example, but they can experience leaving their body and flying none the less.

Clueless reactions

It’s fascinating watching people react to posts we publish here at The Transamorous Network. It’s instructive too, because, when a person reacts, especially when the reaction is extremely negative, they aren’t reacting to some objective truth about our post. Instead, they’re reacting to their story about our post.

Take this exchange below, for example. This person knows nothing about The Transamorous Network, yet had a severe, knee jerk reaction to the title of a post we recently published: “Trans attraction is an adventure“.

andy knee jerk

I understand her upset. There are lots of trans women who share her opinion about trans-attracted men, about fetishization, and anger about being fetishized.

I know every story about every subject is never about the subject. It’s always about the story – the interpretation the observer makes about the subject. Stories will always create realities consistent with themselves.

So when a person acts like a jerk, like the person in the picture, that person is showing others the story they’re telling: an unpleasant one.

The real story

This post she’s telling a story about described an exchange I had with a young man struggling with his trans attraction. I told him his trans attraction is an adventure he came into life eager to have. Every life experience can be seen this way, I told him. Life is supposed to be fun, filled with love, happiness and joy.

But if a person looks to other people for advice and guidance, people who don’t know that life is an adventure, that person will get lives like those he seeks advice from. That’s not a good idea, I told him.

This trans woman didn’t bother to read the article. She interpreted the post’s title from her own stories then had a knee jerk reaction to it. She thinks the article is saying “trans women are the adventure”, which has nothing to do with the article.

It’s not much different from men who, struggling with their trans attraction, have knee jerk reactions to their own stories, stories that trigger within them shame and embarrassment, then do things that trans women don’t like. Such behavior makes them looks like jerks too.

When a man doesn’t want to meet in public, or ghosts a trans woman after spending months with her on instagram, that’s what is happening. His behavior is not about the trans woman. It’s about him and his stories.

But some trans women make it personal, then lose their cool. When they lose their cool, they set up future experiences just like the one they’re knee-jerking about.

Later, they see a post headline and lose their cool again, all the while not knowing they’re creating more experiences exactly like the last. Experiences that reinforce their disempowering story.

If there is a jerk in their story, it’s not the trans-attracted man. It’s the trans woman interpreting the guy’s actions as if they’re personal. They are not! She’s being a jerk to herself!

Unworthiness runs rampant

Many people tell stories that make them feel unworthy. They’re being jerks to themselves instead of loving themselves. There are a lot of people out there who believe they aren’t worthy of….well…a lot of things, including love and being loved. These are strong stories and when triggered, create strong reactions, which perpetuate more experiences consistent with themselves. In other words, if a person feels they’re not worthy of love, they’re going to see every relationship through that lens.

If a trans woman believes all trans-attracted men fetishize them, then they’re only going to experience fetishization, even when that’s not happening.

Back to my client: I encouraged her not to worry. The world is a big place and the Universe can deliver any experience. A person who tells positive stories develops positive expectations.  Those expectations must be satisfied by the Universe. That’s just how it works. So a trans woman believing all trans-attracted men fetishize will only meet men who fetishize her. And my client will meet men consistent with her stories too.

Everyone gets what they think about most. That’s why I don’t worry about my client. She’s going to meet her match. I don’t worry about knee-jerk trans women either.