Category: Blog

This post is not easy to write. I know many transgender women will dislike what’s written here. Even though some of what’s here comes directly from a transgender woman. So, reader, if you’re easily triggered, please skip this story. If you’re not, and you’re post-op and struggling to find a man, this story can help.

A lot of transgender women complain about men expressing their natural attraction to them. Yes, many of those men speak from their initial self-discovery. They’re just finding out about their trans attraction. So, like an adolescent, they communicate in hyper-sexualized ways. They behave like adolescents too.

Further, many of these guys’ interests often focus on pre-op transgender women. Now, that means nothing about a post-op woman’s ability to find a male partner. Plenty of men exist out there who will accept post-op transgender women. But such women must believe they exist. Otherwise, they can’t find the man who will love them. Even though such men exist.

Beliefs create reality

Everyone’s experience springs from one’s inner state. Our subjective worlds spring from and reflect our inner consciousness. Beliefs, conclusions, complaints…whatever word we call it…that inner reality gets reflected in our outer reality.

That’s why we at The Transamorous Network call the inner content of one’s consciousness “stories”. Changing one’s stories will eventually create reality matching the change. So when transgender women tell stories about trans-attracted men fixating on “female bodies with penises”, they create a reality consistent with that. One where they can’t find men who aren’t so-fixated.

Then, the women will double down on their beliefs. Their beliefs get proven “true”. Then they can’t see evidence to the contrary. Like this girl:

Beliefs and their respective reality become so true, such women will challenge everyone to “prove them wrong”. But when someone does, they won’t accept it.

And this is where the dilemma of being post-op arises.

They’re not the same

No transgender woman’s happiness need depend on a man. Nor need it depend on any kind of partner. Not even a pet! Happiness also doesn’t require changing one’s body.

But many transgender women do change their bodies in ways that ease dysphoria such women feel. That’s a good thing. It’s great that medical technology exists to help with that. I support women who go “post-op”. But many of these women face the “post-op dilemma” when it comes to finding a male partner.

Usually such women want society to acknowledge them as women. I support their desire. Yet, such women aren’t willing to fully accept consequences which come with that desire. This is the “post-op dilemma”. For in getting what they want, they become, in the eyes of men, an option alongside cis-women. But only for men willing to consider that option.

The dilemma is, most men won’t. They won’t for many reasons, some justifiable, some not. Men who know a trans woman is post op, will always compare the woman to cis-women. Cis-women with naturally-occurring vaginas. In my opinion, a naturally-occurring vagina will always outperform a non-naturally-occurring one. I know this because I’ve experienced sex with a post-op transgender woman. But don’t take my word for it, check out this transgender woman’s perspective:

I’m not saying trans women shouldn’t go post op. If that’s what y’all want, go for it, girls. But they should check their stories as they do! If they think men won’t want them because they don’t have a penis, they’re setting themselves up for trouble!

Get your head of your crotch!

There are a LOT of reasons why men are trans attracted. Sexual exoticism is an early aspect of trans-attraction. It will always fade though as a man understands his attraction. As they move into transamory, they lose that fixation. So if post-op women really want men, then they must first take their attention off of their crotches!

Here they are, complaining about men focusing on what they have or don’t have down there. Meanwhile, THE WOMEN ARE AS FIXATED ON IT AS THE MEN! In other words, the women are a match to men focusing on their crotch. Is it any wonder those are the only men they meet?

Getting out of the post-op dilemma is easy. It starts with stop paying attention so much to one’s crotch. Instead accentuate positive aspects of what such women bring to the table. Those aspects can overcome the functional disadvantage of one’s non-naturally-occuring vagina. And when post-op women stop focusing on their crotch so much, they’ll become a match to men who similarly aren’t bunged up about what’s between the women’s legs.

Again, transgender women’s focus on their crotches makes them a match to men equally focused there. I understand that may be a big part of their dysphoria. But again, dysphoria is a condition perpetuated by stories. Just like every life condition.

Do what you must to ease your dysphoria. Just don’t stay bunged up on what you’re doing.

What else you can do

Besides, realize the vast majority of time spent with a partner happens outside the bedroom. Post-op transgender women can do a lot to discover men who’ll want them by focusing on other areas.

Like what?

How about developing one’s intellect, compassion, transparency and vulnerability? They can cultivate interests worth sharing with a partner. How about becoming a brilliant partner! That’s what I encourage clients do. In other words, become a great match to that great man you want! A man who is focused on things he’s interested in. Things having nothing to do with your crotch.

While they’re at it, how about developing a better appreciation of trans-attracted men? That way such women can understand where they’re coming from instead of hating them. Then they can help them overcome their myopic focus, rather than being triggered by it.

Doing that will make such women better, brilliant partners. After all, transgender woman have issues. There’s no human who doesn’t. Real partners, not fantasies, help their partners become better. Real partnerships are two-way streets in that regard.

Taking these suggestions to heart will cause a post-op transgender women to become a match to the compassionate, transparent, vulnerable trans-attracted men out there; men who will find them attractive. No matter what’s between their legs.

These men exist! I KNOW because I’ve spoken to many of them! I even know some in relationships with transgender women!

A hyper-focus on the post-op condition makes such men inaccessible though. I say this to post-op transgender women claiming no men want them: Take your head out from between your legs. Make your post-op status a non-issue. Then see what happens.

Need help doing that? I can help.

It’s not about us. It’s about them.

The world is a scary place for most people. Even those who think they’re not scared, are. If they’re not scared of life, they’re scared of their own death. Which makes them afraid to take what they perceive are big risks. Like following their passions or living authentically.

This also explains why people express conservative views. There’s a fear underlying trying to keep things the way they are. Or keeping things the same or stable. Or the way things used to be.

So when a transgender person or a trans-attracted person shows up, that person threatens stability conservative people create in order to feel safe. Furthermore even transgender people can express conservatism. Especially in relationships. Many are unwilling to expand their understanding of trans-attracted men beyond what they think they know about us.

A person who feels they’re progressive can also slip into conservative thinking if presented with something too progressive, for example. Especially if that thing presented has an impact on the person’s view of themselves. Especially if their self-view depends on how others view them. Particularly when “others” means one’s own peer group. This especially holds true for “oppressed” groups and their members.

Black power masking weakness

I once attended a Clubhouse conversation on racism, hosted by a prominent black activist. This prominent person enjoyed notoriety among black people. Especially so on this social platform. Not long into the conversation, another person of color spoke. He said he didn’t think racism was a real thing. He described how, instead, racist views represented a moral injury. “Racists” in his view were morally-injured people. Their injuries sustained from within their families of origin.

When I agreed aloud, the momentum was too much for the prominent activist. She signed off of the conversation. Before doing so she expressed discomfort over the conversation’s direction.

The activist went “conservative” on matters of race and blackness. For her, shibboleths had been violated. She couldn’t bear hearing our perspective. One held by people who looked like her.

Often power masks insecurity, weakness and intolerance. It doesn’t matter if that power is borne from experiencing oppression. It’s a shaky power that crumbles in the face of a divergent opinion. Especially if that power can’t welcome and embrace new ideas. Particularly ideas that may be disagreeable.

Nearly everyone is susceptible to expressing conservative thinking. Especially when it comes to their opinions about life. No one is immune. Not even transgender people. Or trans-attracted people.

We represent possibility

Meanwhile, transgender and trans-attracted people exemplify an expansion of human consciousness. That expansion sometimes even threatens transgender and trans-attracted people! Yes, the same people expressing the expansion!

That’s the divine paradox of human expansion. In all cases, those exemplifying the expansion do it, primarily, for themselves. Which explains why so many trans-attracted men AND TRANSGENDER WOMEN struggle accepting they are trans-attracted or transgender. The story is the same for both groups. Both are learning self-acceptance while offering the same lessons to those around them.

For non-binary people it’s the same.

We all came to the world to choose freely. We came to create our world and the world around us in our image. Meaning, according to our unique perspective. We came to live our way. Not to regurgitate ways others already explored and express. We are All That Is seeing new and diverse freedoms that push outward our self-imposed boundaries.

And in doing that we help All That Is become more and human expression to evolve in line with that.

Radical self-acceptance is divinity expressed

And in doing THAT we confront those who struggle with their own, personal expansionism. More so for those stuck in lack-of-self-acceptance. Or worse, those trying to create the past out of fear and insecurity of a future that threatens a rigid belief system.

The glorious thing about being WHO we are is the inherent glory of WHAT we are: expression of creativity, moving, living examples of what’s possible for ourselves and for others. It can be hard accepting that others resist what we are. It doesn’t have to be though.

That resistance can be scary for some. But it needn’t be scary either. The answer to the fear is not legislation, or coercing or forcing others to accept us. The answer lies in radical self-acceptance. Then one emanates then attracts acceptance from others. It doesn’t happen overnight. But it will happen, guaranteed.

Some in our community think the world around them objectively presents challenges separate from what’s happening within them. That’s never the case. The outside world is a reflection of one’s inner condition. Figure that out and the world becomes our oyster. Then, everything is possible.

Those who don’t understand this think I blame people for their experiences. Such an expression only shows how little such people understand how the world works and what and who they are.

The good news: Ignorance is always temporary. Choose illumination.

Dear The Transamorous Network

My husband is trans attracted. I’ve known this for the 6 years we have been together. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband. His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. I’m completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.

Sad and divorcing

Hi Sad,

I’m curious by what you wrote here. You said in your comment above that you’ve known your husband was trans-attracted for the 6 years you’ve been together. Is this accurate or was it a mis-statement?

Either way, I get your sense of betrayal and anger. But you’re not “stupid”. Men will go to all kinds of lengths to conceal this part of them FROM THEMSELVES. That part of them, if denied, is quite cunning. Such a guy will devise all kinds of rationalizations to keep knowing and accepting themselves out of their conscious awareness. It’s just too much of a threat to their self. I should know. I was once where your husband is. The problem is (as you may have read in your research) transamory will not accept compromise. It will find expression one way or another.

Your soon-to-be ex’s transamory HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Again, you’re not “stupid”. You just chose a guy who hasn’t accepted who he is. Had he accepted himself, he would have never married you. His marrying you was a compromise.

His explorations while married to you were not personal either. Well they were, but had nothing to do with you. They are personal to HIM. They are about HIM trying to understand himself.

Hopefully you can love him despite this and despite the fact that you’re divorcing. Love, real love, is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions love persists. “Conditions” include no longer being with someone you once shared six years of your life with. So I know you’re ABLE to love him even knowing you no longer can be with him. The real question is, are you WILLING to?

If you are willing you can find peace.

The trick to finding the love you want, whether trans or trans-attracted, is first loving yourself. Doing that is easier said than done though.

That’s because so many of us loathe ourselves. That loathing happens sometimes even when we think we accept who we are. In other words, it’s easy fooling one’s self into believing they love themselves when, really, they don’t.

Figuring this out as a trans-attracted man is simple. Clues show up readily. Hiding our trans-attraction or feeling shame about it is a clue. Too embarrassed to be seen out with a transgender woman? That person doesn’t love themself. Afraid of co-workers or friends finding out? That’s another clue.

Transgender women have easy-to-see clues too. But such people are less willing to acknowledge the obvious. Refusing to be seen as trans? There’s a clue. Trying to pass or go stealth? That’s a clue too. Hating your penis? There’s another.

If someone reading this is transgender, “hating your penis” could be triggering. Let’s flesh that out.

Just because someone prefers and seeks out a different bottom configuration doesn’t mean they must HATE or feel revulsion over what’s currently there. Hate and revulsion both are strong emotions. When a transgender person hates their body, and for the time being, the penis is part of the body, it’s likely other parts – shoulders, hand size – meet with similar ire.

It’s why many transgender women adorn their bodies with tattoos. Tatoos are like make up for such people. They conceal aspects the tattoo bearer can’t accept.

Lack of acceptance is lack of self love. Unless we love ALL that we are, love eludes us. Or, the kind of love that shows up, reflects our own lack of acceptance of what and who we are.

Finding the easy path to love

We all can find ourselves in love with ourselves. And, it can happen fast and easy. Acceptance is the first step.

Self acceptance means realizing one wants to change parts of who we are, but not being reviled by that thing we want changed. It’s being ok with it being there….for now. Acceptance begins the path to loving ourselves.

In acceptance we’re comfortable in our own company. We don’t need another there for that moment to be ok. Sometimes we might feel negative about some aspect of ourselves, but we quickly talk ourselves out of those negative stories. We use negative feelings as indicators for immediate action, then use them to our advantage to practice self acceptance.

Self love means genuinely loving and enjoying one’s own company as we are. In self love, another’s company is a nice-to-have. Not a must-have. Even among cis people, however, self love is rare.

A higher level is UNCONDITIONAL self-love. That means loving every aspect of one’s self with no conditions dislodging us from that state. That means accepting one has a penis and enjoying it being there, even while knowing one day it may not be. It means accepting one is trans and finding all aspects of that existence enjoyable, freeing and empowering. It means accepting and not caring that people think we’re gay for finding transgender women attractive. And it means knowing our trans-attraction is wholesome, good and appreciation-worthy no matter what others say.

Unconditional self-love can be a stretch for most people. For some, just plain self-love can try our self-image. For most, attaining acceptance is easier.

Why loving self must come first

The problem with trying to find love in a relationship is, if we either stand in lack of self acceptance (at least) or lack of self-love, the odds are very high the people we meet will be in similar places. And relationships between two such people are recipes for problems.

That’s because two people unwilling to accept or love themselves will make their relationship and their partner responsible for their problems. They’ll also make that person responsible for how they feel. Both parties therefore show up needy, whiny and negative. They pick on the other person regularly and anger easily. Such people complain a lot. And, because they blame others for their problems, they feel no agency in making themselves happy.

No wonder so many people think a relationship will make them happy. Most people don’t accept who and what they are. Let alone love who and what they are. The other problem is…IT’S NOT THE PURPOSE OF A RELATIONSHIP TO MAKE YOU HAPPY.

Relationships aren’t meant to make anyone happy. Our happiness is OUR JOB. Ideally, relationships comprise two WHOLE people. They create a relationship from which something larger than either person brings as individuals or as a couple.

Two people coming together who don’t accept or love themselves can’t build something larger than who they are. That’s because neither is brings a whole, authentic person to the relationship. So instead of two whole people making something bigger, you have two incomplete people squabbling and creating all kinds of drama.

Which is why so few relationships last. And why so few trans or trans-attracted people find lasting love. Or love period.

The easiest place to find love

The key to finding love is to find it first in ourselves. Do that first and we can’t help but eventually find love “out there”. When we love ourself, we become matches to the love we seek. Seeking love when we don’t love ourselves just attracts more of what we’re being.

That’s no fun.

It’s amazing so many of us live not loving ourselves. As transgender and trans-attracted people, we sometimes live in dissatisfaction, then blame the world for how we feel. Transgender people even blame being trans on someone other than themselves. But no one else made them trans. That’s a choice they made before coming into the world. Why they made that choice is a topic for another post.

The same holds for trans-attracted people. No one “makes” a person trans-attracted. That also is a choice self-made.

I know it feels impossible to accept that we own creating ourselves. None of us are accidents. We are not some random thing that went wrong. Realizing we choose our status (and everything else about our lives) offers huge rewards. The main ones being a sense of extreme empowerment, satisfaction and eventual impervious joy.

It doesn’t have to suck

Transgender women often find a smattering of that when, through surgeries, their body eventually closely matches who they know themselves to be. But as we know, some of those same trans people, even after surgeries, still don’t feel whole. Let alone feeling self acceptance, self love or unconditional love for self.

Any state of non-self-acceptance sucks. That’s because we all came here for the pleasure and joy of expressing our unbounded love to the world, then get that in return. Getting that in return first requires the ability to express it. That expression comes from accepting, loving then unconditionally loving all that we are.

Everyone can get there. And the road to that can be immensely gratifying. Fooling ourselves that we accept who we are when we actually don’t is easy. But life will always show what’s really going on behind our eyeballs, evidenced in the kinds of people and relationships we create.

Struggling with any of that or got a question? I can help.