Dear The Transamorous Network
My husband is trans attracted. I’ve known this for the 6 years we have been together. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband. His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. I’m completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.
Sad and divorcing
I’m curious by what you wrote here. You said in your comment above that you’ve known your husband was trans-attracted for the 6 years you’ve been together. Is this accurate or was it a mis-statement?
Either way, I get your sense of betrayal and anger. But you’re not “stupid”. Men will go to all kinds of lengths to conceal this part of them FROM THEMSELVES. That part of them, if denied, is quite cunning. Such a guy will devise all kinds of rationalizations to keep knowing and accepting themselves out of their conscious awareness. It’s just too much of a threat to their self. I should know. I was once where your husband is. The problem is (as you may have read in your research) transamory will not accept compromise. It will find expression one way or another.
Your soon-to-be ex’s transamory HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Again, you’re not “stupid”. You just chose a guy who hasn’t accepted who he is. Had he accepted himself, he would have never married you. His marrying you was a compromise.
His explorations while married to you were not personal either. Well they were, but had nothing to do with you. They are personal to HIM. They are about HIM trying to understand himself.
Hopefully you can love him despite this and despite the fact that you’re divorcing. Love, real love, is unconditional. That means, no matter the conditions love persists. “Conditions” include no longer being with someone you once shared six years of your life with. So I know you’re ABLE to love him even knowing you no longer can be with him. The real question is, are you WILLING to?
If you are willing you can find peace.