TL/DR The writer shares an inspiring encounter with a man who left his marriage to live authentically and appreciate trans women. Encouraged by the writer’s message, the man is now writing a book about his experience. The writer believes such men are making a difference and urges trans women to focus on the positive, giving up negativity and anger.
I enjoyed an hour-long conversation with a guy this morning. He’s writing a book about his trans-attraction-to-transamory journey. His is a wonderful story of leaving his marriage in favor of living authentically. Living authentically meant enjoying a nice relationship with a trans woman. A relationship he’s currently in.
He said the main reason he began his journey was because of my post “How to embrace your trans-attraction and be married”. I feel appreciation that one of my passions is changing the lives of trans-attracted men (and, by extension, trans women) for the better.
As a result of sharing my passion, this guy now feels his passion too. His passion and appreciation for trans women he feels no shame about. Because of that, this guy, Brian, is now writing a book about his experience. A book I’m sure will help make the world a better place for trans women. I feel honored I played a part in that.
Men are doing their part
I always knew living my passion would change the world. I’m excited about Brian’s choice. He’s going to change the world too.
Many trans women complain that if men would step up, the world for trans women would improve. They talk about all the men on the DL. Men living in the shadows, shamefully hiding their trans-attraction. Meanwhile, I’ve been out for at least five years proudly, publicly sharing my transamory experience. Another man wrote a book about this trans attraction some time ago. Many men are out on social media proclaiming aloud their attraction. And now, here’s another man doing his part by writing yet another book.
In other words, the men are doing their part.
The initial exchange between Brian and I.
Not enough men, you say? There are enough though. Not all of them are writing books. Not all of them are writing blogs or sharing on social media. Some are just dating trans women. Many are doing their parts by becoming comfortable in their own skin. That’s the process. In everyone contributes in their own way.
However, if trans women keep complaining about their complaints, they can’t see the world getting better. They can’t see the men doing their part either. And yet the men are.
Get over the anger and pessimism
And that’s the rub. Life is nothing but a series of moments. And each moment adds to the next. Which is why, if you’re complaining about something, your in-the-now complaint adds to the next moment, creating an experience of more to complain about. Especially in love.
I suggest trans women focus on all the things going right in the world. I talk about them all day long in this blog. Trans-attracted men should do the same. Do that and both parties will find themselves meeting positive, high-quality potential mates. People who see the world getting better. People eager to enjoy life with someone who is positive.
Which is why I work with people. People experience a lot of things in life encouraging pessimism. That’s because pessimism sells. A lot of people make a lot of money keeping you angry, in other words. Meanwhile, a lot of other angry people are looking for people like you. And so you meet such people in your life.
Give up negative judgement. Give up being angry too. When you do, you’ll find yourself getting more of what you want. And less of what you don’t. While you’re learning to do that, I can help.
We assert here at The Transamorous Network that the world always improves for trans people. And, the more a person focuses on improvement, the more improvement they will see. This applies to everything. Including finding love. If a transgender woman or a trans-attracted guy believes there are no eligible people out there, it’s going to be very difficult for them to find a partner.
But when they start looking at all the positive signs supporting their desire, finding a partner gets easier. Then it gets fun. Then the person ends up in a relationship!
This post, however, isn’t about relationships. It’s about the world getting better for transgender people.
As far-right pundits and their followers rage against trans people, just as many people are doing things to support trans people. Far more people actually advocate for trans people than those opposing them. Consider the large number of parents supporting their kids, for example. Think of all those kids supporting each other on social media. And nonprofit organizations offering support in all kinds of ways. Then there, of course, are trans-attracted men doing their part.
But the most recent support comes in the form of news from the movie industry. Hat tip, btw, to Mathea Magdalena for posting this in her Facebook feed.
The news broke back in December. We write our blog posts five weeks in advance. So while the news may be old, its impact on trans people is not. And it’s still worth celebrating. So let’s get to it!
Another movie star takes action
Late last year, Cate Blanchett announced a partnership with USC and her film production company co-founder to annually award $50,000 short-film awards to eight trans, nonbinary and female film makers. The program, called the Proof of Concept Accelerator Program began awarding in January.
According to LGBTQ Nation the actor launched the partnership after a “disappointing” movie set experience. She explained how the industry professed embracing diversity. Yet, when she arrived on set, not only was she the only woman in front of the camera, she said she was the only woman on set.
The announcement in LGBTQ Nation
Apparently this is often the case in movies. And while other actresses are making dents in that area, most notably actress/film makers such as Olivia Wilde, Reese Witherspoon, Issa Rae, Shonda Rimes and many, many more, men and their attitudes still dominate the industry. This is well known, but not often publicly talked about.
USC’s Annenberg Inclusion Initiative, a partner in the accelerator, recently made a notable discovery. Although it’s not earth shattering. According to their annual report, women comprised only six percent of directors across 1,600 top-grossing movies from 2007 to 2022. Meanwhile less than a third of all speaking roles in those films were girls, women, trans, or nonbinary characters.
In other words, Cate’s idea is sorely needed. Especially for trans actors and actresses and film makers.
The world we see is the one we create through our thoughts and beliefs. Transgender and trans-attracted people can vastly improve their lives by looking for and appreciating things going right in the world.
Life is getting better
We’ve always said life is improving for trans people. Our friend Mathea is in the film industry. She’s excited about what Cate is doing. I am too. It’s just one more piece of evidence showing how great life is getting for transgender people.
Again, the more we look at things going right in the world, especially for the transgender community, the more things will go right in the world for us as individuals. And as our lives get better, we sow seeds that inspire others to improve their lives.
It’s always good to help another person improve their life. But if that person keeps telling stories about how sucky their life or the world is, improvement will be slow in coming for them. If it comes at all.
That’s why learning to look at life in a positive way can benefit. All my clients are seeing those benefits happen in their lives.
TLDR: The author shares the revelation that conservatives who publicly oppose trans rights secretly search for transgender content. They suggest telling more compassionate stories about conservatives to effect change, emphasizing the power of emotions and personal influence. The hypocrisy of conservative transphobes fuels momentum for the future inclusion of trans individuals.
When I shared what you’re about to read with my trans women friends, I was shocked. Not because what I shared was shocking. Although it was shocking. At least to me.
But what also shocked me was my trans women friends’ reaction. Or rather, their lack of reaction. They thought it old news. Old news! In other words, they already knew what I shared.
And, to be honest, what I found wasn’t news to me either. What was news was the trove of data supporting the fact.
I’m so glad I found the supporting data though. The data support anecdotal instances that have peppered the news…for as long as humanity has been around.
So what is the news/old news? It’s that conservatives are hypocrites. Especially when it comes to sex. Especially when it comes to trans people. That hypocrisy creates a lot of unnecessary nail-biting and hand wringing. It also creates a lot of wasted time and expense. Not to mention anxiety and self-loathing among those I love.
After all, unless one is positively focused, loving oneself is really hard in today’s society. Especially when swaths of the population hate what you are.
So let’s look at data validating the hypocrisy. The hypocrisy conservatives exhibit. Then, let’s look at this evidence through a different lens. One that can empower trans women rather than disempower them.
Conservatives are trans-attracted
The supporting data comes from Lawsuit.org. Interestingly, a trans-attracted guy gave me the links. He’s becoming an outspoken trans advocate. Kind of like me. He reached out after deciding to write a book. A book inspired by what he’s read here at The Transamorous Network. (See? We’re positively benefitting the trans community! More on that in another post!).
After a wonderful hour-long conversation, Brian shared the link. The conversation enriched us both. But the link offered me pure gold.
Brian’s lovely message to me via The Transamorous Network.
It linked to a Lawsuit.org article. The article claimed conservatives are “obsessed” with searching for transgender porn online.
It starts by talking about what we all know. In 2022 Republicans mounted a huge legislative effort negating trans lives. I’m not going to rehash all those details. They’re well known. What isn’t so well known is a lot of data supports the unseemly double-standard Republicans hold when it comes to trans people: they secretly love what they publicly hate.
According to the article, Republicans are trans-attracted. I would say they’re trans-obsessed. The data sure support that. Let’s take a look.
Conservative trans-obsession mapped and analyzed
According to Lawsuit.org’s research, of the almost 5 million trans and trans-adjacent porn Google searches each month, the majority of them happen in red states. The red state with the highest concentration of trans porn searches?
Texas.
Search terms for the list ranking include only: “shemale”, “tranny”, “femboy”, and “ladyboy”
Lawsuit.org didn’t just look at map visualizations. They wanted to be for sure about correlations they saw in the data. So they used good ol’ statistical analysis to drive home the point. What they found was…well…confirming:
While the maps and rankings might make it seem obvious that there’s a correlation between conservatism and searching for transgender porn, but by plotting linear regression trend lines, we can better understand the strength of the correlation. In these views, we look at search volume for three different keyword groups vs metro area political leaning. Each dot represents a metro area. Dots are colored their ratio of Democratic vs. Republican votes in the 2020 presidential election. The higher the value (more red), the higher the percentage of that metro area voted for Donald Trump.
Lawsuit.org
How to use this information
As I said earlier, all my trans friends, including Muriel, my gf, know this intuitively. But it’s good to see it literally mapped out for us. So what can we take from this? Can we, and by “we” I mean the trans community, which includes trans-attracted and transamorous men, benefit from this information in some way?
The answer: yes.
Probably not in the way you’re thinking though. So I’ll spell it out.
As we say here all day, every day, we all create our reality. No one else does it. That means we each enjoy tremendous creative potential. We create our realities through stories we tell about reality. And, because we are free to tell any story we want, we can create any reality we want.
So here’s how we can best use this information: we can use it to tell better stories about people who call us evil. And when we do that, eventually, those people will change. How that change happens doesn’t matter. The how is not our business anyway. But the change will come. If we hold to better-feeling stories of, for example, conservatives wanting to do away with us.
Erasure is pain manifest
The best stories about such people, the most empowering stories, the ones most aligned to what we want have us feeling compassion and understanding for conservatives. Not hatred and anger. Hatred- and anger-generating stories are the least empowering, the worse stories we can tell. From the standpoint of wanting improved futures, stories creating hatred and anger in us miss the mark.
If we want conservatives to change, we must literally be the change we want to see. That means telling better-feeling stories. That, in my opinion, begins with understanding what conservatives are going through. What is it that has them so upset about us?
The goal of the stories we create is, again, to engender in us compassion and understanding. Those two emotions tell us the new, improved stories are working.
So what stories can we tell? How about these:
Conservatives live in fear
They must arm themselves because of the fear they feel.
They’ve learned from their leaders that the world is scary and non-conservatives are out to get them. That has them feeling vulnerable.
Conservatives can’t accept their own humanity. Including what they naturally desire. So they attack others who are doing and having and enjoying what they can’t allow themselves to do, have and enjoy.
Conservatives are suffering. And they don’t even know it.
It’s not about you, or us
In the end, their struggle to bring back a world that can never again be has nothing to do with you. Or us. While they may see limited success in the short term, in the long term, their plans will fail. Their plans can’t succeed because those plans rest on shaky foundations. Foundations of hypocrisy and pain.
What’s more, the trans experience is expansion. It is in accord with All That Is. Nothing can prevent it. Nothing can stop it. In fact, we could tell the following story. A story that is 100 percent accurate:
Conservative anger and hatred focused on trans people only adds momentum to the trans experience becoming more. Because the more a person resists something, the bigger that thing gets. And a group of people resisting amplifies that momentum even further.
Some trans people might say “well, you don’t live in Texas, Florida or any of the other red states enacting anti-trans legislation. Easy for you to say.”
My response: That’s right. I don’t live there. I don’t have to live there to influence what happens there though. But here’s the even better news: those trans people living there have even more leverage to influence what’s happening in states like Texas and Florida. But if they’re feeling fear, insecurity and anger, they’re not leveraging the power they possess.
We are powerful beings
As individuals, we are unlimited in our abilities. But that power comes not from our action. It comes, rather, from who we’re being. Our emotions help us know moment-by-moment who we’re being. And when we’re feeling empowered, joyful, and in appreciation we are at our best.
At our best, we can have tremendous influence. Influence not needing a lick of action on our part. Or help from others. But unless you have proven this to yourself, it’s hard to believe it.
The hypocrisy of conservative transphobes offers the trans community a lovely gift. It is the gift of momentum. The fuel that stokes the flames making those flames glow even brighter. The flames of individual trans and trans-attracted hearts and minds. Brian knows this. I know this too. The future includes trans people. Conservatives can’t stop it.
And in their efforts to try, they make that future more and more a fait accompli.
Synopsis: “Madge,” a transgender woman, discovers through meditation her deep-seated anger stemming from fears about her safety. Although she lives in trans-friendly Portland and has faced no violence, her fears have hardened into resistance, which complicates her relationships. By recognizing her internal barriers, Madge takes the first step to dismantling her anger and enhancing her future relationships.
A transgender client this week spoke for many trans women we know who struggle with love. And with life.
It’s not that her life is bad. Or that she’s failing at love. She’s doing well at both. In fact, this client’s realization came at a high point in her sessions. But the revelation was sobering for her. I’m sure it will be for many reading the following account of what happened.
It really is an amazing testament of what clients get from this practice.
Let’s dive in.
The hard shell of false self protection
This client, “Madge” is an advanced practitioner. As a result, she’s starting to explore more esoteric aspects of the practice. That exploration begins with meditation.
Our specific meditation method is powerful. Which is why Madge had what happen, happen. In fact, what happened, happened in her first meditation session. That’s how effective our meditation practice is!
The meditation lasted only five minutes. Half-way through, Madge revealed something she never revealed before.
“I’m so angry all the time,” she said. “I’m sick and tired of being angry all the time.” As she said this, tears streamed down her face.
Now, tears are a good thing. Despite some people demeaning the act, crying indicates a great release of resistance. That’s why, after a good cry, people feel better!
Resistance is a major impediment to getting what we want. Particularly in love. We create resistance when we tell stories contrary to our desires. That resistance makes getting what we want hard or impossible.
Madge’s anger is an act of self protection. But it’s also a sign of resistance. Her anger emanates from her and everyone can feel it. Especially Madge. That keeps everyone at a comfortable distance from her. Including men who might otherwise be interested in her.
Her intense, smoldering anger also explains why Madge takes “mood stabilizers.” That hard shell of protection emanating as anger also triggers a lot of anxiety. Anxiety telling her that protection is unnecessary.
Your emotions matter
Certain emotions tell us how much resistance exists within us. Anger indicates very strong resistance. After five minutes were up, Madge and I talked about why she was angry. The conversation was quite revelatory.
“I’m always holding a guard up,” She explained. “I believe I need to because if I don’t, I feel I’m at risk of being attacked.”
Madge believes that, because she’s trans, she’s at greater physical risk. Now, many transgender people will agree with this belief. And while statistics show a correlation between being trans and increased risk of violence, those statistics break down when it comes to individuals.
In other words, whether a transgender person, or anyone for that matter, experiences violence depends 100 percent on that person’s stories. Not stats. And many stories transgender women tell about anti-trans violence are out of touch with what’s actually happening in their lives.
Everyone is in touch with their emotions though. And Madge’s anger was telling her that her stories were creating experiences Madge would not like. Including her being alone.
Her beliefs are also a major factor as to why she’s chronically anxious. Anger and anxiety are both strong emotions. For Madge, most of this occurs at very subtle levels. Mostly because she’s let these beliefs fester for so long.
That the meditative practice surfaced them was a great thing. So we explored it further.
Confronting what’s actually happening
Madge lives in Portland, Oregon. The city is well-known as a haven for trans people. I was shocked Madge believed she was at risk here. So I poked at that belief:
“How long have you lived in Portland as a trans person?” I asked.
“Over seven years,” She said.
“And in those seven years, how many times have you experienced physical violence?” I asked.
Madge had to think about it. I already knew the answer.
“I have never experienced violence,” Madge said thoughtfully.
“OK, and how many times can you remember receiving verbal insults related to your trans-ness in those ten years?” I asked.
“None,” She said.
By now Madge was seeing obvious discrepancies between her fears and her actual life. This was very important, of course. That’s because Madge really wants to be in a relationship. And all the men she’s meeting reflect her fears and worries: They are on the DL. They haven’t fully embraced that trans women are ok to be attracted to. In other words, they feel risk, just like Madge does. No wonder such men show up in her life. She’s a match to them!
Serendipity: the best dating method
I assert many times in this blog that the best way to meet your match is through every day activities out in life. Not online dating. But if a person is afraid of the outside world, I can see how they’d resort to that sucky online experience.
Madge is afraid of the outside world. That fear emanates from her. It blinds her too. It prevents her from seeing guys checking her out. She also can’t tell when a guy compliments her about her appearance. When they do, she ignores it. Or tells the most disempowering story about it. Other times, when she notices a guy staring at her, she nearly always interprets his stare as threatening. When instead, the stare could indicate romantic interest.
Madge and I talked about this in the past.
So if you’re afraid of the world around you, it’s impossible for the Universe to match you with your ideal partner. Your stories create your experience. You also can’t enjoy the fun of such an in-real-life rendezvous! Like this. The Universe is sending matches your way, but if you’ve got that hard shell of protection erected, you’re not going to even notice them.
Its all good tho
The good news is, this situation is reversible. Meanwhile, the Universe will never tire of bringing you ideal matches. That’s something to celebrate. Many people worry that the pool of eligible partners is too small.
Poppycock!
There are an unlimited number of people looking to be with you. Just because you don’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not there!
The good news for Madge is, she now realizes something that’s been blocking her for a long time. Now she can start dismantling it. And in doing so she can let in the men she wants to meet. She’s already made progress. The men she meets are improving. Meanwhile, there’s a lot more progress ahead.
Maybe you’re struggling to meet your match. Let’s figure that out. It 100 percent has to do with stories you’re telling. Thankfully, telling positive stories and weeding out disempowering ones is my speciality. So let’s talk.
It’s just so awesome seeing how life delivers really fantastic surprises. That’s what happened recently. I was talking with Muriel about the trans community. Specifically we were talking about violence and trans people. I recently wrote a blog in response to that conversation.
But what I didn’t share in that post was how the story evolved after Muriel and I had that conversation. Muriel always inspires me. She’s super smart. She also has really insightful views, informed, probably, by her life experiences. Too bad I can’t share some of those, because they’re quite interesting.
But I respect her privacy.
So, anyway, we talked about violence and radicalization. We specifically talked about certain trans women. Women who want to take up arms against transphobic people. Our conversation had us both thinking we could write something about what we talked about. Muriel shares her views on a blog. I do too, obviously.
After we talked, I went on a walk. I thought a little about the conversation while out and about. And then, I came across this:
I featured this photo in my previous blog. What’s interesting about it is it exactly matches or substantiates what we talked about. That it did didn’t escape me. Which is why I immediately shared the experience with Muriel:
It’s not coincidence
It’s not coincidence I encountered this specific graffiti. There’s really no such thing as “coincidence”. Everything we experience is purposeful. It springs from our conscious focus, aka, our stories/beliefs.
Muriel and I together, focused on a particular subject. That focus had me choose a path that rendezvoused me with this graffiti. That’s because my Broader Perspective knew it would delight me. Which it did!
I shared the photo with Muriel. She said she’ll accompany her blog with it. I did the same, of course.
So why am I sharing this?
It’s because this little event offers the framework available to us. One that works with anything we desire. Focus on that desire exclusively and watch as the Universe will conspire with our Broader Perspectives to bring us that which we focus on. We’re already doing it. Which is why so many transgender women complain about men, yet don’t find love. It’s why so many trans-attracted men say their “type” doesn’t exist then don’t meet any.
We must focus on what we want to get that. We can’t get what we want through focusing on the opposite. My life is rich with examples like this. Muriel is an example of this.
And you can be too. Let’s get you the love you want. Or whatever else your heart desires. Contact me.
