Dating - The Transamorous Network

February 15, 2022January 8, 2022

How Lesbian Trans Women Best Meet Great Matches

Editor’s note: this post comes in two parts. The second part follows next week.

Good news: Transgender men and cis women now write us asking for advice on creating dating success. We always knew this would happen. The Transamorous Network exists to assist the entire transgender community. That always included transgender men.

It also includes anyone who feels attracted to transgender people. And of course, it includes transgender women who are lesbian.

Today, we’re offering this post addressing the latter group. Specifically, we’re responding to the following comment we recently got via our contact page:

My problem with all of this is: what about transgender women who are not attracted to men? I am one of those. Yes, I have had bisexual encounters in the past, but that was purely to satisfy a sexual desire at the time.
I honestly have never felt any attraction towards men, hence if I’m thinking about a committed relationship, I would love to hear how and where a transgender female can meet someone that is potentially interested in her. I find it a very tricky topic: going to a typical lesbian venue could easily lead to having difficulties because of being a trans person. And that seriously limits the options to meet someone. I genuinly have not been able to think of a solution for this challenge. So, I would love to see an article on it!

To start, we’re going to burst a bubble. Don’t worry, it’s a good thing. Ready?

Lesbian dating isn’t unique

Some people think their status, whatever it is, makes them unique. Recently on Medium.com, we got a disparaging comment attempting to chastise us for offering advice to the transgender community when The Transamorous Network founder, who is non-binary and prefers “they/them” pronouns, themselves aren’t trans.

Our response to that person is the same response we offer everyone. The “trans” experience is not special. Nor is it unique. Like any other experience people experience, the transgender experience is a HUMAN experience. The same holds for transgender women who know themselves to be lesbian.

And, since the human experience fits in with the way the Universe works, the best, most fun way for transgender women who love women to meet their matches coincides with the way transgender heterosexual women and trans-attracted men meet their matches.

Said differently: transgender lesbian humans and their experiences are highly susceptible to stories such people tell about their experiences. In fact, it is ONLY their stories influencing their experiences.

Now some might respond with the worn out trope about blaming victims. Pessimistic people will say women who get raped aren’t creating that reality. They’ll jump to such examples while not thinking about what they’re saying.

As hard as it might be to hear, people experience rape the same way people who get what they want experience that. Were that false, if any exception existed to what we offer as “Universal Laws”, these “laws” couldn’t be called “laws”.

It doesn’t matter what you are. You can have everything you want. But you first must become a match. Living a transgender experience combined with a lesbian experience makes it no more difficult.

Extraordinary opportunity

What so many miss when they get caught up in the false “rape/victim blame scenario”, is the ENORMOUS power and ability available in the statement “stories create reality.”

If “stories create reality” is true (it is), then NOTHING IS OFF THE TABLE. Everything is possible. Everything! Not only is everything possible, everything possible (that’s everything) can happen with no effort on anyone’s part.

So not only can everyone get ANYTHING they want, they can get it super EASY.

This means a transgender lesbian meeting her perfect match is super easy. All she need do is figure out how “stories create reality”, then implement that how.

Our clients get this. That’s why their lives excite them. And, the more evidence they create proving to them “stories create reality”, the more excited they get.

Their excitement comes accompanied by happiness. After all, how can you not be happy when you see everything you want, and then some, happening?

So smart people who hear “stories create reality” immediately see this extraordinary opportunity. The opportunity to create and have anything they want. Instead of jumping to the “rape/victim blaming scenario”, smart people will say “tell me how this works!”

There’s no reason a transgender person’s experience shouldn’t be filled with self-fulfilling desires. And, those desires can happen easy, making life equally easy.

How stories create mis-matches

Let’s just accept for now that “stories create reality”, whether you believe that or not. From that accurate assertion then, let’s examine the comment we got through our website. You’ll see how the commenter’s stories create the reality she experiences as described in the comment. Here it is again. No scrolling up required:

My problem with all of this is: what about transgender women who are not attracted to men? I am one of those. Yes, I have had bisexual encounters in the past, but that was purely to satisfy a sexual desire at the time.
I honestly have never felt any attraction towards men, hence if I’m thinking about a committed relationship, I would love to hear how and where a transgender female can meet someone that is potentially interested in her. I find it a very tricky topic: going to a typical lesbian venue could easily lead to having difficulties because of being a trans person. And that seriously limits the options to meet someone. I genuinly have not been able to think of a solution for this challenge. So, I would love to see an article on it!

The first story the writer offers is that “there is a problem”.

If a person thinks a problem exists, they need an answer. The problem with finding the answer is, if one keeps looking at the problem, they can’t get the answer. That’s why it’s so hard to find something that’s lost.

So long as our friend here looks at her problem “finding out how to meet a woman she can love”, for example, she is not open to the solution. So it won’t come.

That’s the first story she must soothe.

How does she do that?

Create better stories

She makes up any number of stories that turn “the problem” into something else. Any of these will work:

Lots of times in the past I discovered an answer about X. I can do that again.
I don’t have to know the answer to get the answer
I’m eager to see how I will meet my wonderful match
I don’t need to be in a hurry about this
I have plenty of time to figure this out
More challenging things have worked out in my life than this

These new stories can soothe the “problem story” our friend keeps telling into irrelevance.

The old saw “what you resist persists” is true. So does “what you look at continues to be”. If our friend doesn’t like that she can’t find a female lover, she must stop looking at the fact that she doesn’t have one and can’t find one. Sounds crazy, but that’s only because people don’t understand why this works.

The key to coming up with better feeling stories is new stories that make the story teller feel better. That means the ability to feel is extremely important.

In part two, we’ll continue looking at stories this woman tells that keeps her not having what she wants. Then recommend how she can get exactly what she wants.

February 1, 2022December 27, 2021

Transphobias: Better Left In The Great White North

If you’re transgender or trans-attracted, it’s better to think about all the great things about being trans and the great things about being trans-attracted, than thinking about other people’s transphobic opinions about who or what you are. At The Transamorous Network we encourage becoming oblivious to why people say and do things.

Unless you can tell positive stories about them.

That’s why we ignore when a trans woman thinks she knows better about where we’re coming from than we do, and criticizes or demeans what we share. What others think is none of our business 🤣.

A recent client experience shows why doing what we do acts in your best interest.

Coming to grips with her likes

She visited a local drive up coffee kiosk for a java infusion. It’s something she loves doing. Icing on that coffee cake is the beefcake who works there. My client crushes on him every time she sees his hunkiness.

He’s not her only crush. She talks with several men at a time. Her fortune meeting men shows her she’s getting everything she wants. It’s a case in point for trans women: tell the right stories and everything you want – including men – appear.

I think she’s having a great time with all the guy she’s talking with. The most recent guy she spoke with, however, told her dating transgender women scares him. Hearing this, my client expressed feeling two ways about it.

In the first way, she wants to console the guy and his insecurity. But in the second way, she wants nothing to do with it.

Give the finger to other’s opinion. They don’t matter, so you shouldn’t mind.

“I don’t want to have to help a guy come to grips with what he likes,” she said.

Match what you want

That’s when I explained how what he said reflected back to her what she’s thinking about the same topic.

“Huh?” she asked.

“The reason you’re meeting guys who are afraid of dating you is because you still aren’t sure you’re datable,” I told her. “That’s what the Universe is showing you by matching you with this guy. Your dates always match your stories.”

My client has enough of The Transamorous Network’s approach under her belt to get the truth of those words. Every trans woman meets people who match what she’s putting out. If she doesn’t like who she’s meeting, complaining about who’s she’s meeting is the worst thing she can do.

Instead, we recommend becoming a match to the kinds of men you want to date. How? Tell stories about everything that match what you want. Everything. That includes those guys you meet you’d rather not meet.

Doing so requires serious, honest assessment of stories you tell. Especially stories about men…and stories about yourself. Some trans women think they’ve got their thoughts in the right place. Usually, that’s not the case. It’s easy thinking you’re clear, when, really, you’re not. Like this client explains:

A trans woman acknowledges something nearly all trans women (and everyone else) won’t: she really didn’t understand what was going on in her head, until she got a real good look.

Same goes for you trans-attracted men. Figure out your stories, change them and the trans girl you want is yours.

Let’s return to my client’s story.

Back to the coffee kiosk

The hunky dude walking up and down line of cars had what my client interpreted as a “transphobic reaction” to her. She said when he saw her, he looked at her “strange” and kept looking back at her while taking others’ orders.

We talked about this from the perspective of “other people’s opinions aren’t my business“, and why that is. Most people move through the world from places of insecurity, fear, pessimism and negativity. Why on earth would my client want a piece of that????

Instead I asked my client if she could think of alternative stories which would make the hunk’s reaction less personal, or even personally favorable.

It took her a while. But after a little cajoling, she came to some good ones:

His behavior has nothing to do with me
He’s never seen a trans woman before and is curious, not negative
Maybe he’s trans-attracted and didn’t know it until now!
Maybe he finds me attractive!

It doesn’t matter whether these stories are true or not. How they made my client feel meant everything.

Why?

Because how she feels tells her something important. So these stories were very good for her. I knew this because her countenance totally changed after telling them. That meant she was headed in a totally different direction than before.

Stories create the world. And everyone’s telling stories all the time, including you. So why not create the best worlds? How? Tell the best feeling stories.

Leave them in the cold

How this guy reacted to seeing my client had nothing to do with her and everything to do about him. But in that moment, my client observed that reaction on purpose. Even though she didn’t realize it at the time, her current beliefs showed themselves in this guy’s behavior. That was a good thing, even if she didn’t believe it at the time.

Seeing what she saw was great evidence of The Transamorous Network’s approach working. Now she knows what her stories contain. That allowed her to do something about them: create better-feeling stories.

So what started as a negative situation turned out to be a really positive one. This is why nothing ever goes wrong in the world. Everything always goes right.

Leave other people’s opinion’s alone. Especially ones inconsistent with yours. They don’t matter. The only place they belong is where they belong…in the Great White North. In other words, out in the cold. Not in your awareness.

Keep them out there and watch how much your love life improves.

January 25, 2022December 4, 2021

Finding Love Results From Seeing The Proof

This morning during a client session, the client shared a perfect example of how easily The Transamorous Network’s process works for getting the relationship one wants.

The process IS easy. But like my client, many trans women, and trans-attracted men, make it harder than it needs to be. They make it less fun too.

All one need do to get anything they want is tell stories about their desire and feel good about having it. Even if they don’t tell positive stories, evidence still surrounds them, telling them they’re getting what they want.

But because the person won’t acknowledge the evidence, getting what they want takes a VERY long time…or it doesn’t happen at all.

I should correct that. Every desire fulfills itself. But many people, especially trans women, compromise on what they want. They’re too impatient, tell too many contrary stories and focus on the wrong evidence. But even those girls get what they want…as everyone does…after death. For when a person dies, they return to nonphysical where everything happens in an instant.

No one need wait until death though to get what they want. I know this based on my own experience. That’s why I’m committed to serve members of the trans community ready to hear what I share. Those women (and men) are emmissaries of what’s possible.

This trans woman is an example:

But I digress…

It’s basic math

My client, let’s call her Josie, lamented during one session two weeks ago. She complained about men she was meeting and how those men expressed beliefs contrary to what she wanted. We talked a bit more before I turned the subject to something she enjoyed talking about.

After a little time there, Josie admitted feeling better. Then she doubled down on her previous feeling.

“I feel that I take two steps forward,” she said. “Then take one step back.”

What she was saying is she feels pessimistic because she sees herself going backwards. But if you look at what she actually said here, she was sharing evidence of progress. Not going backwards.

Think about it. It’s basic math.

Let’s say a person is walking forward from point A, and they take two steps forward. How far away are they from point A? Right, two steps.

Now let’s say they take one step back. How far are they away from point A? One step. That’s progress!

This is a common perception problem many humans (not just trans ones) suffer from. Josie acknowledged it in our session today.

“I have ingrained ways of looking at things that have me see negatively,” she said.

“I agree,” I said. “Meanwhile evidence surrounds you that you’re progressing.”

He’s looking for you. Are you seeing evidence that you two are getting closer to meeting? (Photo by Tamarcus Brown on Unsplash)

The evidence…

Then I reminded her about our session last week. Back then, after bemoaning progress that looks like two steps forward and one back, she happily described an encounter she had with a guy.

As she describes herself, she regularly smiles at women she doesn’t know, but never smiles or even makes eye contact with men. But last week she caught herself smiling at a guy.

That shocked and surprised her, but she also saw it (in the moment) as evidence of her progress. It so happened that in this same conversation she also talked about the “several men” she was talking to on dating sites.

So here she is producing all this evidence of guys showing her interest. And yet, she’s complaining about her lack of progress!

Then, this week, she shares even more evidence. Turns out that while walking her dog at the local dog park, she not only smiled at a guy, she struck up a whole conversation with him! As she did so, she was so clear what she was doing, she said she wanted to text me about her “progress” as she called it.

It’s easy, if you let it be

I told Josie then that she has the option at any time to turn her attention to evidence indicating progress towards what she wants. Instead, what she’s doing is indeliberately focusing on “lack of evidence”. That makes her feel shitty. Feeling shitty, Josie can’t see her progress. But the progress is there.

Focus on that progress and telling positive stories becomes easy. Then life gets easy. Then everything one wants comes easily. Including that love life where the perfect partner shows up.

But you must let it become easy. Most people fight against “easy” by being indeliberate about stories they tell. They focus on their pessimism, even when life is showing them all the evidence telling them they are getting what they want.

At The Transamorous Network I help trans women and trans-attracted men all day long learn how to turn their lives into lives where everything they want happens. It’s easy once you get the hang of it. And it’s fun.

Josie is beginning to get this. When are you going to?

January 11, 2022November 26, 2021

A Trans Woman’s Worst Nightmare

The Transamorous Network offers free 1:1s for trans-attracted men or trans women to chat with us and learn whether what we offer can help them live more fulfilling, happy lives.

Most times those conversations offer insight and satisfaction for everyone involved. In rare instances though, something else happens.

That’s what happened this morning. This conversation offered insight into what many trans women experience in their attempts to fulfill their relationship dreams. It also sheds light on why trans women degrade men who naturally find them attractive.

A classic connection

Not many schedule a Free 1:1. Especially since we implemented a $25 refundable fee to dissuade men who schedule a free session (perhaps while drunk or high) then don’t show up.

We know what we offer the trans community benefits that community. Over time we’ve spoken to many, many trans-attracted men, trans women and people who don’t fit in those categories, yet express trans-attraction. Many such people thank us for what we do. But seeing our clients transform their lives prove what we offer helps.

Then there’s “Josh”.

Josh got on his free 1:1 this morning. Hispanic and in his 60s, Josh has been single for 18 years. Before that he was married to a cis woman, who divorced him after she discovered him cheating with another cis woman.

Like many trans-attracted men, Josh’s past includes experiences where he learned about and enjoyed sex with men at an early age. He also enjoyed and still enjoys wearing clothing seen by society as “Women’s clothes”. He wears nylons and garters under his male clothes and loves wearing negliges at night.

Josh married a cis-woman because, in his words, he was “battling what he really wanted” which included expressing submissive characteristics in bed.

And also, like many trans-attracted men, Josh first encountered trans women through porn. This happened in the last year, and since that discovery, Josh found himself irresistibly trans-attracted.

Marriage often, but not always, can smoke screen what’s really going on for both parties. Which is why they often end in divorce.

Stereotypes prove the rule

Many trans women encounter men like Josh. Josh is in his very early stage of the chaser to transamorous journey. This was clear from the first few seconds. He referred to trans women as “shemales” and “transexuals”. He fixated on the idea that they had penises and expected a trans woman would be happy being with a man who dresses in women’s clothes.

Josh expressed fantasies of him “doing” the trans woman and then her “doing” him. When I asked what else he liked about trans women beyond his ideas of what sex would be like, he offered very little.

“I like that I could take her out, wine and dine her,” he answered. “Then we’d come home and cuddle on the couch, with me in my lingerie.”

He mentioned nothing about what this trans woman might think, whether she might be intelligent, thoughtful, generous, kind, interested in world events, or interested in having children. Josh didn’t consider the amazingly admirable fortitude needed to go through what trans women do to align with what they know they are. In other words, he didn’t see his future partner as a person.

Still in the closet

When I gently explained more dimensions to trans women exist beyond where he focused, I felt him almost immediately become defensive. I explained how “shemale” and “transexual” were not the best terms, which he accepted. Then, changing the subject deliberately, I asked him what his friends and family thought about him wearing women’s clothes.

“Oh they don’t know,” he said. “They’d be devastated.”

“Why does that stop you from being who you authentically are and sharing that with them?” I asked.

He said he didn’t think he was being inauthentic by not sharing all of who he is. So I explained to him that so long as he wasn’t out and about about who and what he really is, and what he really likes, finding a match to what he wants will present challenges. I also suggested the way he talks about trans women indicates he isn’t quite ready to meet someone. Trying to do so, I suggested, would produce unhappy outcomes.

That’s when the conversation shifted for Josh.

Being on the down low (DL) indicates for the down low person that he harbors stories creating a reality he’d rather not have. But the DL person doesn’t know that, which is why he’s getting the results he gets, including feeling of shame and insecurity. (Photo by Kristina Flour on Unsplash)

Why women meet men like Josh

“Who do you think you are?” he responded. “You don’t know me.”

“I’m going off of what you’ve told me,” I said. “And what hundreds of men and trans women have told me.”

Josh didn’t like that. I suggested he had a lot of preconceived ideas about trans women. Those ideas, I tried to explain, would cause him more difficulty than satisfaction because he’s not a match to what he thinks he really wants, which is a loving relationship with someone who happens to be trans.

Josh told me I was not making sense, that I was not listening. Moments later he hung up.

Clearly these kinds of men exist. They are the kinds of trans-attracted men trans women meet a lot of the time. They aren’t ready to meet anyone seriously because they’re still trying to figure themselves out.

Experience often presents the best “figuring out” opportunity. Often that means meeting trans women via sex worker venues, or through dating sites. And, usually, that means men like Josh meet women who match who Josh is being.

That means a trans woman on equal story footing. Such trans women, like Josh, are unclear about what they want, insecure in their own self-acceptance, and harbor inaccurate stories about dating, what’s possible and what they want. In many ways, they’re transgender versions of Josh. So they’re perfect matches.

The best way, believe it or not, to meet your ideal match is becoming that which you’re wanting. That means seeing the best in everything you experience. That’s what telling the best stories is all about. (Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash)

Trans women don’t need Josh

Just because men like Josh exist doesn’t mean such men need be part of a trans woman’s experience. But they will when a trans woman harbors stories which make them a match to such men. If you’re trans and you think Josh is a “tranny chaser”, for example, that story tells me you’re on track to meet your Josh.

And yet, such men and the women they match with benefit each other. Through experiences with each other, a trans woman and such a man learns what stories need attention. It’s good knowing that because, if they don’t know what stories need attention, neither person fulfills their dreams. Particularly when it comes to relationships. Which is why many compromise.

So while men like this comprise many a trans woman’s nightmare, they can also be the best thing that happens to a trans woman. For in the experience the woman and the man stand in opportunity. Seizing that opportunity guarantees a new experience with better matches offering better opportunity.

Better matches don’t come guaranteed. People sometimes never get over their negative stories. That doesn’t mean you can’t be the exception because they’re always are. The question is: are you?

December 28, 2021November 10, 2021

Trans Women: You Always Meet The Best Men Out There

Transgender women: guys you’re meeting are the best ones you’re going to meet. Until you change your stories about the men you’re meeting.

A client got this clearly recently after we talked about guys she’s meeting. She lives in Michigan. Most of the men she meets are drug dealers, down low men, men who just want her for sex, men with no steady employment, and men who have nothing really interesting going on.

“They’re just not interesting to talk to,” She said.

So while talking about these men, I asked her what was something all these men had in common. Of course, she repeated the list above. What she didn’t realize was the biggest common denominator these men shared….was her.

Well over four million men live in Michigan. Why is this trans woman only meeting the men she’s meeting? Are you, dear reader, going to tell me it’s because those kinds of men are the only one’s interested in trans women?

Come on now…

You just need one

Nearly every man will find an attractive, powerful, intelligent trans woman attractive. But when they discover that woman is trans, their attraction doesn’t go away. For most men, that attraction transforms. It turns into self-doubt, shame and fear.

But for the few secure in their self-awareness, the attraction compels action. It may not be action leading to them wanting a relationship with you, but nothing ever happens in the one split-second you connect eyes with some guy. In other words, most men need time to figure their shit out, understand what trans-attraction and then transamory is. That’s why we defined the journey all men attracted to trans women go through. If you understand that journey is much like your own transition, loneliness, desperation, fear and compromise needn’t be part of your dating regimen.

But you don’t need all these men getting their attraction to trans women is healthy and extraordinarily good. You only need one (assuming your monogamous).

So now, no matter where you live, likely there are millions of men. And if you have attractive qualities, men will find you attractive. You only want/need one of them as your partner. Why are you making finding your match so hard?

Maybe it’s because you’re unwilling to accept that you’re not a match yet to that guy who will love you. 🤔 Think about that.

Your match is there. He’s looking for you. But if your attention is on all the guys you think won’t accept you, you literally can’t find him.

The perfect match always

In the meantime, you’re getting perfect matches. Think about the logic: if you think all men are chasers and such, how on earth are you going to meet one who isn’t? Those who aren’t you’re not even going to see! You’ll dismiss them as not attractive, or uninteresting. You’ll get uncomfortable around them. Why? Because standing in your stories about men, a man who accepts you will make you feel uncomfortable because he reflects back to you stories inconsistent with those dominant in you.

In other words, so long as you stand in stories about men being uninterested in you because you’re trans, you’ll only meet those kinds of men. Same goes with stories about men who want you to top them, or that see you as a fetish.

You must change your beliefs before you’re able to see the world full of men who would love you happily.

Or, you can settle for a lesbian relationship.

Once this client realized the connection between guys she meets and stories she has about those guys, a light bulb went off in her. To her it was obvious. She’ll meet better guys when her stories are better.

Meanwhile the men she meets are perfect. They keep showing her the point from which she’s creating her dating reality. They include guys asking her for dick pics, guys texting her when drunk talking about how horny they are, as well as men who tell her they are afraid of dating trans women.

If you want to be with a man, and you end up with a woman, you compromised on your dreams. There’s no need to do that. But you will, if you don’t know how to get what you really want.

You get what you create

I’m not surprised so many trans women turn to women. They don’t understand why they’re getting the results with men they do. They think they have to compromise what they want in order to be happy. But my clients know stories are powerful and totally within the storyteller’s control. Which is why they keep coming back to their sessions.

Face it. Most men see trans women as men in dresses. But that doesn’t mean you must meet such men while dating. Unless, of course you keep bitching about such men! Same goes with the early trans-attracted variety, those still trying to get their shit together.

Again: the only reason trans women meet such men is: they still have to get their own shit together. Which means talking about, thinking about and focusing ONLY on what they want. Not what they don’t want.

Look around at your friends. Notice beliefs your trans woman friends have about men. Then look at how their dating goes. It’s as plain as the nose on your face that stories create reality. Everyone telling stories about what they don’t want get that. Tell stories about what you want consistently and you get that.

You only need one (if you’re monogamous). So why are you thinking about all the men you don’t want? Think instead about the one you do want. Then watch how easy having him becomes.

The best available at the time

I know, many trans women think what I talk about here is hooey. The thing is, like most profound wisdom, this stuff I talk about verifies and confirms the 100 percent subjective nature of reality. Meaning, in order to prove it works, you must put what I share into practice in your life. When you do, results are 100 percent guaranteed.

My clients get it. They’ve proven it to themselves. So they get great results and live as powerful women. Like this client.

Meanwhile, every man you meet perfectly matches what you believe. As my client in this video accurately says, you might think you know what your beliefs are. But if you’re frustrated in dating, you don’t. Every trans woman meets their perfect match(es). If they don’t match what you want, then what you believe and what you want are at cross purposes.

The reason trans women don’t like who they meet is they don’t realize why they’re meeting such men.

You meet the cream of the crop in terms of men you’re meeting. They serve a purpose. And they’ll keep serving that powerful, valuable purpose until you learn from them. All relationships are stepping stones.

That one guy trans women want is not as elusive as he seems. He can come as easily as your next breath. That is, if you’re not so proud that you’re willing to accept the way you’re trying to find him is your problem. Not that he doesn’t exist.