Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
Transwomen are not women. I wish we would stop saying that. That is INAUTHENTIC! I’m not dogging the attraction to transgender MTF – I’m just calling a spade a spade. They are NOT women. Maybe calling them that makes them and the men attracted to them feel better. But, I’m sorry, as a natal woman, I can say unequivocally, they are not women. That being said, your article has helped me as my husband is transattracted and I have known for a long time that I can’t meet his needs. Thank you for validating that.
Marcia
Hi Marcia!
You’re welcome Marcia. Yes. My wife couldn’t meet my needs as well. That didn’t make her bad or wrong. That’s just what was. What I learned from my marriage was she was a wonderful clarifier of what I really wanted. So our marriage was good for me. Perhaps you can see from a standpoint of the love you feel for him, that benefit you offer your husband.
It’s interesting. I participate in a discussion group of varied gendered people. When talking with both trans “men” and trans “women”, they revealed that they find being among cis-women and cis-men, now that they have transitioned, as very challenging. They find cis-people (men and women) far more distinct from them than they originally thought. It’s challenging acknowledging the accuracy of what you’re saying though because many, many, MANY transgirls want so bad to find a place to “fit in” rather than finding satisfaction and joy in their own distinctness, being as something different from both man or woman. It’s not as homogenous as you would think though. For there are, indeed, some transgirls who acknowledge that they are not “women”.
It’s all about the stories people are telling, right?
Until that unwillingness to accept themselves goes away, it’s going to be challenging doing away with this conversation. Part of our work at The Transamorous Network is having people authentically embrace who and what they are. For some, it’s a very long road. Glad we could help you chart your path.
I have high standards. Some standards I hold even I don’t meet…yet.
I’m heading in that direction though.
These standards I also call my ideal stories. I have ideal stories about me, about life, about partners, that create my reality. I know, for example, that I am moving into greater financial abundance. I know abundance is more than financial or material, and so I already see evidence of “abundance” surrounding me already.
I am surrounded by beauty. That’s another story. I see beauty everywhere. Every morning I’m astounded by the beauty that is where I live. When the sun shines through my windows, it plays beautifully with shadows creating visual feasts for my eyes.
I know there are successful, independent, smart and beautiful trans women coming my way. This are my ideal stories too. These women (and yes, there are more than one) are all interested I me for what I represent to them. And so they find me as I find them: a perfect match.
I know I have created a life in beautiful California, my birth state. That’s another ideal story. I know I’m returning there with ease, grace and with so much financial abundance I can live in that state anywhere I choose.
And I know my days are filled with fun and play, with my clients, with my companies and with people working with me to influence better into the world.
These are some of my ideal stories.
Evidence abounds if you know how to see it
Some would say, “well where’s the evidence your stories are creating the reality you claim?”
My answer is, evidence abounds. But unless the person knows where to look and how to look, they can’t see the evidence. It also takes a while because, physical reality isn’t a magical reality. Things take time to turn from one thing to another. So evidence of my ideal stories “coming true” includes seeing old stories fading away.
Evidence combines old story evidence fading and ideal story evidence showing up.
For example, though I haven’t sought them out, I now am social media friends with quite successful trans women. I wrote before about transgender women I’ve met recently who are military company commanders, business owners and radio personalities. Recently, I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with financially successful, smart, witty trans women entrepreneurs from Europe and the United States too.
I know these conversations, these acquaintances evidence me moving towards high standards I have about life, my own prosperity and what I want in a partner. I also know tipping point is coming. I both feel it and see it.
I know soon my life experience will 100 percent match my ideal stories. The more my current life transforms to that, the more high-quality, beautiful, smart and successful trans women will show up.
In other words, I’m seeing results showing what I’m doing pays off. And I’m eager for more evidence. I’m not addicted to the final outcome though. Nor am I concerned about proving anything to anyone. I know, in time, evidence will be so great others will know it too.
Everyone deserves love in their life. Ideal love shows up when individuals match what they think is ideal. (Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash)
Everyone deserves lives they love
Humans are supposed to have lives they love. I know this. I also know the trouble plaguing most humans is, they aren’t willing to allow the Universe to deliver lives they love. Instead, they try making that life happen through action, especially in romance.
Dating sites make tons of money off people trying to do what the Universe is doing for them, so they get in the way, blocking a natural process. I encourage my clients away from dating sites for several reasons. The biggest reason is, it’s more fun meeting one’s ideal match by first becoming a match to one’s ideal stories.
Every relationship someone gets into is a match to that person at the time. Knowing this, I prefer waiting until I become a match to my ideal partner so that my relationships are relationships with that kind of person instead of, say, someone who matches where I am right now.
Where I am right now isn’t bad. But I know where I’m going is going to be way better. So I’m willing to wait. In the meantime, trans women I meet are getting better and better in both quality and quantity, matching all the other changes indicating progress toward my high standards.
In the meantime, I’m happy being with myself, improving my stories, then watching as the world I create transforms to match my ideal stories, stories which will unequivocally create the life of my dreams.
Being happy, I don’t need patience. I don’t need proof because I see it everywhere. That’s why I’m not impatient. It’s a great place to be, seeing the world of my dreams emerge from my world right now, even while some people struggle against the world of what is.
The trans women I’m meeting are evidence, yes. But so is everything else. My life is great. I love what I’m becoming. I love who I am. I love what I have. I’m becoming a match to my ideal partner and so my ideal partner is coming to me.
Labels are like too tight pants. Have you ever gained weight, then tried to pull on pants that no longer fit? It’s uncomfortable, right? Belly and love handles spill over belt loops like foamy beer overflowing a stein.
I spoke with a trans-attracted man recently who claimed heterosexual as his label. He came to me like many trans-attracted men, stressed out. So much so he stressed his straightness to me, holding it before him like a shield in hopes it would deflect that super scary label: gay.
I explained to him problematic features labels come with. Labels, I said, offer boundaries far too narrow, so narrow they restrict everyone’s humanity. Like a collective pair of too tight pants.
Boundaries separating “straight” from “gay” restrict in the extreme, especially in men. One whiff of suspicion triggers some straight men so profoundly they resort to violence. That’s how uncomfortable such labels are.
This guy, Trevor I’ll call him, struggled with his heterosexuality while facing his attraction to Pre-Op transgender women. I told him he had nothing to fear about being gay because most traditional gay men wouldn’t find transgender women attractive, not because they are women, but because they aren’t men. Not in any sense that a gay man would usually find attractive.
Gay men aren’t interested in being with trans women. Because they (trans women) aren’t men.
This eased Trevor’s mind a little. Then something funny happened that wasn’t funny in the moment, but reflecting on the conversation after the fact made me smile.
Visibly relieved, Trevor and I next talked about how he could explore his trans attraction. He had never been with a transgender woman, wanted to try it, but didn’t know how or where.
I never encourage men to go after such explorations. Especially when they feel like Trevor – insecure, shame-filled and nervous – because stories triggering such feelings are so strong, one is bound to have unsatisfying experiences. Experiences like this:
A client navigating his trans attraction.
When a man feels shame and embarrassment about his trans attraction, those feelings tell him he’s on the way to meeting someone matching that state, and what will happen next won’t be fun. But most men don’t know this.
Rather than pursuing anything, I suggest the man exercise patience while sorting out his stories. In doing so, he will naturally attract trans women into his experience. The more secure he gets in his stories, the higher quality women he will meet. And, searching becomes unnecessary, nor do costly websites. Instead, the women will come to him.
My case is a good example. In recent weeks, I’ve met an Army company commander who now works at Google who is trans, a former data and communications tech who is trans, and two successful business owners who are trans.
What I offer works, you see.
Anyway, as I worked with Trevor, helping him ease his anxieties, he suddenly said something interesting.
“Now I’m thinking about wanting to try sex with men.”
That didn’t surprise me at all. This statement explains why labels unnaturally confine human experience. These thoughts Trevor entertained about sex with men were normal.
You see, humanity in general comes to earth to explore, play and delight in wide varieties of experiences. Sexual experiences along with every other experience are all within bounds.
When a person rigidly clings to labels and subscribes to their limits, stories associated with that clinging not only restrict what that person knows will delight them, stress between what the person knows and what the person believes creates stories which in turn create all kinds of mental turbulence…and realities matching that turbulence.
What’s interesting is how calmly Trevor accepted this new thought. He sat there thinking about it, tried to deny it only for a moment, then let it pass. I know this was the authentic Trevor, the eternal being here for the fun of exploration, I was now talking with.
So I told Trevor what I knew he was ready to hear; that he is an eternal being free of any label and delightfully eager to explore all kinds of life experiences. And, in that delight and play, he positively influences people around him and the world in general, which is exactly what Trevor knew he would do when he decided to incarnate. I told him his trans attraction, if pursued, would extend into the future a path so exhilarating, exciting and satisfying that he would not only relish his unfolding life, he would positively affect the lives to those around him.
That resonated with him, I know. But almost as soon as he acknowledged what I said, that too tight label reasserted itself and I felt Trevor get uncomfortable. Before that though, he said something else:
“I love you.” Yes, he said that to me.
That didn’t surprise me either. At the bottom of all this life stuff, we are flowing love eager to love. I know when I freed myself of the confines of any label, my love flowed and continues to flow, just like Trevor’s did in that brief second.
Which is enough. For once your eternal love shines through, there’s no going back. Only forward. Including embracing your trans attraction.
If you think you’re alone in your trans attraction, think again. There are all kinds of men out there, feeling exactly the same as you. Struggling with, feeling shame or embarrassment about your trans attraction? Many men feel similarly.
And, many trans-attracted men don’t feel like you. Such men embrace their trans attraction and enjoy fulfilling, happy, out-loud lives with trans girlfriends, partners, even spouses. Or they live alone happy in their singledom.
The same goes for trans women. There are trans women of every kind, of every political persuasion. There are trans women who think you (and me) are the worst kind of man. These trans women think we fetishize them. Some of us do, along our journey towards transamory. But not all of us.
That’s why I know every trans attracted man, or trans woman, has many, many potential matches. The question remains: What stories do we tell? Stories we tell bring us people matching those stories.
For example, some trans women who rage against men like us think all trans women feel like they do. They’ll share their knee-jerk reactions with their friends and get solace from them, not knowing that friends typically share similar stories. That’s what brings friends together. That solace doesn’t last though because when they share their disempowering stories and get agreement from friends, they unwittingly perpetuate what they complain about.
Meanwhile, there are trans women who are in their power. They’re happily living lives with loving trans attracted and transamorous men, or women or whatever. When trans attracted men get their stories right, they find more happy trans women and fewer bitter ones. That’s what we help men (and trans women) with at The Transamorous Network.
Stories shape relationship
One client I’m working with finds consistency in trans women he meets. He meets trans women who reflect back to him his own disempowering stories. Chase’s stories trigger feelings of unworthiness, insecurity and a lack of self love. He knows what he wants in a partner, but doesn’t believe he deserves it.
Chase’s mother raised him while struggling with substance abuse and sex industry work. Chase experienced a lot in his childhood home. Conclusions he made about life back then shape his relationships today. Chase confuses his self worth with money, just as his mother likely did about her self worth relative to her Johns. As a result, love and money get confused in Chase’s relationships.
It’s no surprise then that Chase attracts insecure trans women who seek their self-worth in lots of sex and flirting, including flirtatious relationships with other men, which trigger Chase’s stories causing him to feel insecurity and jealousy. They also equate love with receiving money. It’s also no surprise then that Chase fulfill such stories, giving these girls up to $500 a week. He says he loves them. But what’s really happening is, he seeks love inthem that he can’t find in himself.
Craving that external validation costs him up to $2000 a month! He could get lasting and far more rewarding real love from himself for free. And use his money to rent a place to live.
Slowly breaking free
Chase is changing these days through the work The Transamorous Network offers. As his self awareness increases, he sees his relationships change in subtle ways. Sometimes, though, it takes him a while to get the message.
For example, recently a trans woman he’s seeing beat him up pretty bad when she perceived (accurately) that Chase had sex with someone else. This woman, like Chase, has stories stemming from her own upbringing which trigger her insecurity, unworthiness and pain and match her with someone like Chase. Violence between them comes from both parties ignoring earlier warning signs. Chase and I talked about these signs months ago. But Chase’s stories kept him wanting this relationship even though he knew what lay ahead.
After the second violent exchange, this time involving police, Chase sent me a series of texts:
Relationships always reflect stories we tell. I strive in my life to get those messages early, change the stories and thus enjoy better relationships and avoid drama. I encourage my clients to do the same.
Sometimes, though, it takes some drama to get the lesson. In Chase’s example, there were early signs his partner gets violent. Ignoring early signs leads to stronger messages. After the last beat down, I thought maybe Chase had had enough:
But three days later he sent the following:
Sometimes it takes people a lot of drama (and perhaps some broken bones, black eyes and damaged property) before they learn the lesson. 🤷🏽♂️
The best relationship happens when a person discovers the love relationship between them and them. Relationships with others always reflect relationship with self. When I’m in love with me, I get relationships matching that.
So do my clients. Some clients get there faster than others. 😂
All relationships guide us to ourselves. When I nurture that love, love from others matches that. This is what I show my clients. It starts with getting over stories conjuring shame and embarrassment for who they are. The process never ends because self love has no upper limit. It gets stronger and stronger, more fulfilling.
As it does, romantic relationships follow. The best cis-trans relationships start with the self. From there, any relationship is possible.
Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy and this letter, from a person in Russia who doesn’t speak English, has been edited for clarity:
Hello!
Before I start, I want to warn you, I use Google translator.
[Am] I correct to understood that “The Man’s Guide To Finding Your Transgender Parter” [about] working with your own statements (on your blog, I noticed you call this “story”)? And with this guide you can remove all the “garbage”?
Also, with the help of it, it will be possible to find the most ideal and most beautiful trans-girl (with all the qualities (external, internal, sexual, etc.))? Even [if I have things telling me what I want is unrealistic (because it seems to me that my requests are too big…and I want to work out that too)?
[My interest in] Trans-girls began 10 years ago (approximately), I am 23 years old [now]. At one time I tried to suppress this attraction in every possible way, but it always ended in failure (and every day, I am more glad that I did not succeed in suppressing).
Like many, I was tormented by the thoughts “I’m a gay / bi / pervert,” but recently, I realized that it makes no difference to me what my orientation is, I’m just crazy (in a good way)) [for] trans-girls.
In the future, I want to find the only one with whom I will live my whole life, and that we live happily, harmoniously, cheerfully, so that we enjoy each other even just being together.
For myself, I realized that I am a monogamist and I do not want to waste time on temporary, short, one-way relationships.
I hope that I will use your guidance as soon as possible. Thank you for being there! I am glad that I am not alone in many thoughts. Sorry that the message turned out to be long, I just wanted to at least share it with someone. Happiness, kindness and all the best to you.
Evgeny
Hi Evgeny!
Thank you for your email. Google translator is very good!
Yes, The Man’s Guide will help you change your stories. Your current stories create your reality. In time, by focusing on stories that support what you want, you will meet the transgender woman of your dreams. No request is too big. No request is “unrealistic”.
The guides will work. But you must practice what they teach every day with discipline and rigor. If you do, you will see your desires happening. You will also notice other areas of your life improving. The guides will improve your entire life in addition to your love life. 😌
Some people have difficulty with a daily practice. That’s why we offer 1:1 mentoring. In the mentoring you get a weekly call with me. We talk you through using the material each week. Your daily life becomes your practice arena. The cost per month is less than one mental health counseling session.
I’m glad you found us. Your experience is similar to many people. You’re not alone and your desire is NOT perverted. I’m glad you’ve come to that realization and are ready for a wonderful love life. Because you are.
It’s normal to find transgender women attractive and worthy of your love. Because they are!
