Mirrors are amazing things. We take their symbolic awesomeness for granted. Every day, we stand in front of our bathroom mirrors and miss the greatness they’re showing us.
In some cultures, mirrors are spiritual icons. They’re featured prominently in legends of all kinds. In Japan, for example, the mirror holds a prominent place in many household shrines. A mirror was one of three sacred objects given to Japan’s first emperor by the Sun Goddess Amaterasu’s grandson. Mirrors in ancient Japan represented truth because they reflected only what stood before them. They were a source of much mystique and reverence (being uncommon items) in that time. Today in Japan they symbolize wisdom.
I used to not make that connection when I visit my bathroom mirror. Not any more. After doing my business and washing my hands, I look in the mirror and see the center of the universe, the creator, looking back at me. I know through my stories I create the world I want to live in.
When you look in your mirror, what does it tell you? Does it remind you of your flaws, things about you that must be covered up or altered before you can comfortably greet the day?
Or does it remind you that you are the only one creating your life experience day-by-day, week-by-week, month-by-month, year-by-year into your glorious life experience? Is your mirror encounter positive or negative? What stories does it reflect back at you?
Mirrors can inspire your best. Or they can evoke stories about yourself that trigger shame, embarrassment, fear, insecurity. I wonder how many tell stories while standing in front of their bathroom sink which conjure the latter.
Telling stories that have us feel small and insignificant and fearful about ourselves is what makes us look outside ourselves, expecting others to come up with answers we need to feel good about ourselves, when all along, the answers lie in our stories, not theirs.
I have high standards. Some standards I hold even I don’t meet…yet.
I’m heading in that direction though.
These standards I also call my ideal stories. I have ideal stories about me, about life, about partners, that create my reality. I know, for example, that I am moving into greater financial abundance. I know abundance is more than financial or material, and so I already see evidence of “abundance” surrounding me already.
I am surrounded by beauty. That’s another story. I see beauty everywhere. Every morning I’m astounded by the beauty that is where I live. When the sun shines through my windows, it plays beautifully with shadows creating visual feasts for my eyes.
I know there are successful, independent, smart and beautiful trans women coming my way. This are my ideal stories too. These women (and yes, there are more than one) are all interested I me for what I represent to them. And so they find me as I find them: a perfect match.
I know I have created a life in beautiful California, my birth state. That’s another ideal story. I know I’m returning there with ease, grace and with so much financial abundance I can live in that state anywhere I choose.
And I know my days are filled with fun and play, with my clients, with my companies and with people working with me to influence better into the world.
These are some of my ideal stories.
Evidence abounds if you know how to see it
Some would say, “well where’s the evidence your stories are creating the reality you claim?”
My answer is, evidence abounds. But unless the person knows where to look and how to look, they can’t see the evidence. It also takes a while because, physical reality isn’t a magical reality. Things take time to turn from one thing to another. So evidence of my ideal stories “coming true” includes seeing old stories fading away.
Evidence combines old story evidence fading and ideal story evidence showing up.
For example, though I haven’t sought them out, I now am social media friends with quite successful trans women. I wrote before about transgender women I’ve met recently who are military company commanders, business owners and radio personalities. Recently, I’ve had the pleasure of interacting with financially successful, smart, witty trans women entrepreneurs from Europe and the United States too.
I know these conversations, these acquaintances evidence me moving towards high standards I have about life, my own prosperity and what I want in a partner. I also know tipping point is coming. I both feel it and see it.
I know soon my life experience will 100 percent match my ideal stories. The more my current life transforms to that, the more high-quality, beautiful, smart and successful trans women will show up.
In other words, I’m seeing results showing what I’m doing pays off. And I’m eager for more evidence. I’m not addicted to the final outcome though. Nor am I concerned about proving anything to anyone. I know, in time, evidence will be so great others will know it too.
Everyone deserves love in their life. Ideal love shows up when individuals match what they think is ideal. (Photo by JOSHUA COLEMAN on Unsplash)
Everyone deserves lives they love
Humans are supposed to have lives they love. I know this. I also know the trouble plaguing most humans is, they aren’t willing to allow the Universe to deliver lives they love. Instead, they try making that life happen through action, especially in romance.
Dating sites make tons of money off people trying to do what the Universe is doing for them, so they get in the way, blocking a natural process. I encourage my clients away from dating sites for several reasons. The biggest reason is, it’s more fun meeting one’s ideal match by first becoming a match to one’s ideal stories.
Every relationship someone gets into is a match to that person at the time. Knowing this, I prefer waiting until I become a match to my ideal partner so that my relationships are relationships with that kind of person instead of, say, someone who matches where I am right now.
Where I am right now isn’t bad. But I know where I’m going is going to be way better. So I’m willing to wait. In the meantime, trans women I meet are getting better and better in both quality and quantity, matching all the other changes indicating progress toward my high standards.
In the meantime, I’m happy being with myself, improving my stories, then watching as the world I create transforms to match my ideal stories, stories which will unequivocally create the life of my dreams.
Being happy, I don’t need patience. I don’t need proof because I see it everywhere. That’s why I’m not impatient. It’s a great place to be, seeing the world of my dreams emerge from my world right now, even while some people struggle against the world of what is.
The trans women I’m meeting are evidence, yes. But so is everything else. My life is great. I love what I’m becoming. I love who I am. I love what I have. I’m becoming a match to my ideal partner and so my ideal partner is coming to me.
If you think you’re alone in your trans attraction, think again. There are all kinds of men out there, feeling exactly the same as you. Struggling with, feeling shame or embarrassment about your trans attraction? Many men feel similarly.
And, many trans-attracted men don’t feel like you. Such men embrace their trans attraction and enjoy fulfilling, happy, out-loud lives with trans girlfriends, partners, even spouses. Or they live alone happy in their singledom.
The same goes for trans women. There are trans women of every kind, of every political persuasion. There are trans women who think you (and me) are the worst kind of man. These trans women think we fetishize them. Some of us do, along our journey towards transamory. But not all of us.
That’s why I know every trans attracted man, or trans woman, has many, many potential matches. The question remains: What stories do we tell? Stories we tell bring us people matching those stories.
For example, some trans women who rage against men like us think all trans women feel like they do. They’ll share their knee-jerk reactions with their friends and get solace from them, not knowing that friends typically share similar stories. That’s what brings friends together. That solace doesn’t last though because when they share their disempowering stories and get agreement from friends, they unwittingly perpetuate what they complain about.
Meanwhile, there are trans women who are in their power. They’re happily living lives with loving trans attracted and transamorous men, or women or whatever. When trans attracted men get their stories right, they find more happy trans women and fewer bitter ones. That’s what we help men (and trans women) with at The Transamorous Network.
Stories shape relationship
One client I’m working with finds consistency in trans women he meets. He meets trans women who reflect back to him his own disempowering stories. Chase’s stories trigger feelings of unworthiness, insecurity and a lack of self love. He knows what he wants in a partner, but doesn’t believe he deserves it.
Chase’s mother raised him while struggling with substance abuse and sex industry work. Chase experienced a lot in his childhood home. Conclusions he made about life back then shape his relationships today. Chase confuses his self worth with money, just as his mother likely did about her self worth relative to her Johns. As a result, love and money get confused in Chase’s relationships.
It’s no surprise then that Chase attracts insecure trans women who seek their self-worth in lots of sex and flirting, including flirtatious relationships with other men, which trigger Chase’s stories causing him to feel insecurity and jealousy. They also equate love with receiving money. It’s also no surprise then that Chase fulfill such stories, giving these girls up to $500 a week. He says he loves them. But what’s really happening is, he seeks love inthem that he can’t find in himself.
Craving that external validation costs him up to $2000 a month! He could get lasting and far more rewarding real love from himself for free. And use his money to rent a place to live.
Slowly breaking free
Chase is changing these days through the work The Transamorous Network offers. As his self awareness increases, he sees his relationships change in subtle ways. Sometimes, though, it takes him a while to get the message.
For example, recently a trans woman he’s seeing beat him up pretty bad when she perceived (accurately) that Chase had sex with someone else. This woman, like Chase, has stories stemming from her own upbringing which trigger her insecurity, unworthiness and pain and match her with someone like Chase. Violence between them comes from both parties ignoring earlier warning signs. Chase and I talked about these signs months ago. But Chase’s stories kept him wanting this relationship even though he knew what lay ahead.
After the second violent exchange, this time involving police, Chase sent me a series of texts:
Relationships always reflect stories we tell. I strive in my life to get those messages early, change the stories and thus enjoy better relationships and avoid drama. I encourage my clients to do the same.
Sometimes, though, it takes some drama to get the lesson. In Chase’s example, there were early signs his partner gets violent. Ignoring early signs leads to stronger messages. After the last beat down, I thought maybe Chase had had enough:
But three days later he sent the following:
Sometimes it takes people a lot of drama (and perhaps some broken bones, black eyes and damaged property) before they learn the lesson. 🤷🏽♂️
The best relationship happens when a person discovers the love relationship between them and them. Relationships with others always reflect relationship with self. When I’m in love with me, I get relationships matching that.
So do my clients. Some clients get there faster than others. 😂
All relationships guide us to ourselves. When I nurture that love, love from others matches that. This is what I show my clients. It starts with getting over stories conjuring shame and embarrassment for who they are. The process never ends because self love has no upper limit. It gets stronger and stronger, more fulfilling.
As it does, romantic relationships follow. The best cis-trans relationships start with the self. From there, any relationship is possible.
I spoke with a man this weekend in the early stages of the trans attraction–transamory journey. At his wits end, he contacted me hoping he’d get relief.
He didn’t get any. Instead, he got clarity about what lies ahead: an awesome adventure.
Steven (not his real name) wrote me the following email:
“I think I may be a tranny chaser because I fantasize about them. I have only told a few ppl about this and I don’t want to keep it a secret from people. Although I don’t know if I want a relationship with a trans woman. Can you help me?”
When talked on Skype, Steve was tied in knots. He hoped other people’s opinions might help ease anxiety, fear and insecurity he felt. But when he asked others’ their opinion he got more anxiety, fear and insecurity.
Rationalizing heterosexuality
Steve started watching porn when he was 16. Now in his mid twenties, he recently found trans porn transfixing.
“Something about women with penises I find attractive,” he said. Steve only watches trans porn featuring trans women masturbating. I asked if he imagined being the woman.
“No,” he said.
Porn can introduce a man to his trans attraction. It’s not the only way men do it though. Some find their attraction meeting a trans woman for the first time. Some find it through bars or sex workers. Porn is common though.
The more Steve watched porn, the more Steve found trans women alluring. They compelled his attention so much he felt near addicted to it. When not watching, Steve thinks about trans women all the time, he said. One day he figured he should try “experiencing” a trans woman, but the thought scared him.
Steve considers himself heterosexual. His arousal for trans women threatens this label though, and, like many trans attracted men, that real perceived threat causes fear and anxiety.
“How could I be heterosexual and like this kind of stuff?” he asked in resistance to his trans attraction.
I asked, “Why do you feel fear? What would happen if you explore this that scares you?”
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in Steve’s answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction.
The crux of many men’s fears about discovering their natural attraction to transgender women lies in his answer. Men worry about what others are going to think about them. So they feel insecurity, fear, anxiety and uncertainty in their budding trans-attraction. Photo by Ben White on Unsplash
Focus on that too long and these men get taken over by their fear-producing thoughts or stories. They can’t stop thinking about these scenarios. Insecurity grows so big, they think their stories are happening against their will.
The only thing happening though is momentum. Repeatedly telling their fear-filled stories, these men give more life force to such stories. They’ve told such stories (entertained such thoughts) so often, those stories themselves become alive. If men continue telling these stories, they will become their reality. The negative emotions these men feel indicate they want something different than the reality that’s coming.
It’s not that they want to not be trans attracted though. It’s that they want to feel strong, confident and certain in their trans attraction. But their fears block that clarity.
Steve was no different. He said his thoughts about trans women and the anxiety he felt returned to his mind unbidden, at all times, throughout the day. He worried something was wrong.
“I worry what others might say and think about me, too” He said. Then he quickly added: “I want a woman and want to raise children”.
I know this common excuse used to deny one’s trans attraction. Wanting a family masks illogical conclusions drawn from fear and insecurity. I pointed this out by sharing two scenarios with Steve, one in which he’s married to a cis-woman, who, down the line somehow loses her child-bearing ability.
“What would you do in this situation?” I asked.
“We could adopt, or get a surrogate,” Steve said. I nodded.
Then I told the other scenario, one where he and a trans woman are together and both want a family, but the woman has a penis. I asked the same question. Steve got the point.
But here’s the strange thing about some men, including Steve. Men will sometimes turn to the very same people they fear rejection from, for advice. That’s exactly what Steve did. He asked relatives, friends, girlfriends.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries.
Not surprisingly many of those people said Steve should avoid these thoughts and this interest. Steve’s reality already started matching his fears. Standing in insecurity, fear and self-shame, he got advice matching his worries. Photo by Velizar Ivanov on Unsplash
Trans attraction runs deep. It’s not something one can ignore once it gets triggered. I don’t recommend trans attracted men seek answers from other people, especially when first discovering their trans attraction. Everyone creates their reality through storytelling. So stories conjuring fear, anxiety and insecurity are bound to create people and experiences reflecting those negative emotions.
When a trans attracted man seeks advice from others while feeling insecure or shame, they’re going to get advice that’s not helpful. They’ll get unhelpful reactions too. For the people they’ll ask will be people matching the fear and insecurity the man feels.
Same goes for trans women, by the way. Which is why a trans woman who is insecure will usually meet equally insecure men. There are no “tranny chasers”. There are insecure trans women projecting their insecurities which create realities wherein they meet insecure men, i.e. perfect matches.
If it feels good, it’s right
Instead of looking for advice in others, it’s better to nurture one’s inner wisdom, then rely on that for guidance. Living life from here changes life experience too. There are a lot of insecure people walking around. Trans attracted men do better when they rely on their own inner guidance direction. But first, they must nurture that connection.
All these insecure people are looking to other insecure people for their answers not knowing the only real answers are within. Why on earth do we seek answers from fellow humans, many of whom are insecure at one level or another, when we all have secure, confident, clear inner selves guiding us all the time, if we’d only take time to nurture that connection then listen?
That’s what I told Steve. I suggested he look to himself for his answers because he knows better than anyone else what’s right for him.
“What feels good is right,” I said. “Follow that. Your trans attraction feels good. It’s your negative stories that feel bad. Follow what feels good and see where it leads you.”
Steve let out a heavy sigh. I asked what that was. He said he wasn’t ready for the “heaviness” of what he knew he had to do. I agreed with that. He looked like the weight of the world sat on his shoulders. I told him it wouldn’t stay that way.
For Steve and all trans attracted men: Trans attraction is an adventure. It’s part of the bigger adventure called life. You came to explore all your life offers. In that exploration you become more authentic in you and help others do the same.
Trans attraction can be a path of perpetual delight, but if you’re looking to others for their opinions about what and who you are and what you should do, you’re just making that adventure harder than it needs to be.
We get a lot of letters and comments at The Transamorous Network. So far, though, nothing like this…
Last week Jim Venturini contacted us. He’s followed us for many years, but recently accepted wholeheartedly his transamory. He contacted us not only to tell his success story, he also wants to reach others like him, who struggle, as he once had, with trans-attraction.
That’s the difference between a trans-attracted man and a transamorous one. Trans-attracted men can be nearly anywhere along the journey. The Transamorous man is in one place and one place only: not only do they love trans women, love them openly and see them for all of who and what they are, they’re also out loud supporters.
But they’re not just supporters of trans woman. They’re also supporters of trans-attracted men. They’ve been there, they know what it’s like. They recognize how hard it was and want to help other men have it better. They recognize how they too once fetishized trans women and want to help stop that.
It’s cool hearing Jim’s story. Rather than us telling it, here’s Jim telling it in his own words via a IM session he had with us. See if you can tell the difference.
Whether you’re trans-attracted and feeling shame and embarrassment, there are lots of men like you out there feeling the same way. Not only are you not alone, YOU DON’T HAVE TO FEEL THAT WAY. We can help you embrace all you are then become successful at finding your partner.
If you’re a trans woman and thinking after reading this that Jim is a unicorn, think again. Not only are there tens of thousands (and more!) of men like him out there, the biggest thing to know is, you don’t need that many! You just have desire for one, likely. You can have the love you want. Telling the right stories is where it starts. We can help you too!
