Editors note: Usually in this series I share a letter someone writes or a comment they make on our blog. Then I respond. However, this message I received this week was so touching, I figured I’d just share it. It’s that good. You’ll notice the struggle this person is going through while at the same time marveling over his powerful attraction to the person he describes. His experience reveals the real, intense struggle men go through while coming to terms with their trans attraction. There are powerful learning opportunities in this letter. Not only for men, but also for Transgender Women and for Cisgender women who discover their husband is trans-attracted.
Dear The Transamorous Network: I read an article online you posted and it really hit home on my current situation. To be more specific, the article was about trans “addiction”. Almost everything was spot on about how I feel. I swear you were writing this article for me personally.
For almost 25 years I have had this “addiction”. I’m 37 now…Cheating and heart break had almost ruined my marriage more than a couple of times, but we survived. Kids and grit got us through.
I love my wife and kids…very much. I have recently met someone who is trans. Well kinda. We met 5 years ago, I knew we connected when we first met but life took us different ways. Almost 3 years passed and I had no contact. She moved away with a boyfriend and I continued my life.
It seems fate had brought us back together…I unknowingly walk into a local food chain were she works and there she is, just as beautiful as I remember…Immediately sparks fly for both of us.
We kept in contact for 3 months and I have fallen for her very hard. I have looked past the sexual aspect of this and tried to understand…
Why?
Is it like a drug? Am I in love? Just why am I so magnetically attracted to this person? It just feels right. She knows I am in a relationship and has tried as hard as me to keep this from progressing. It will not stop. We both are frustrated and are drawn closer and closer every time we meet. I feel I must come clean and tell my wife about this, which is terrifying.
It is very complicated with so many emotions its hard to keep them in line. For years and years I have been repressed. [I’ve been] judging myself, thinking demons are controlling me. I’ve prayed for god to take this away. “I don’t want this, please lord” [I would pray].
Am I wrong to feel this way? Am I wrong to wanna be with a trans woman? I grew up were these thoughts were wrong and forbidden. My father caught me watching trans porn when I was a teenager and I had to beg him to not send me to therapy. Growing up in a very small town I was unable to explore this with anyone and am just now finding the strength to be real with myself and understand that this will never go away.
I am very lost but I feel most authentic and genuine when I’m with my trans friend. Knowing I want her and to change her life. She has told me she wants to be with me, and I have expressed the same in return. I am scared, in doubt and worried of the aftermath.
I just wondered if any of this has been familiar? I do not know what to do and I’m worried if this continues I will loose both my marriage and this compelling other relationship that feels so right. Any input comments or guidance would be appreciated. I trust things will be ok. I’m just afraid of making a glaring mistake. Thanks.
Many trans-attracted guys and transgender women ask me how to get love they want. Some aren’t ready for my answers. Others, become clients. Those folks not only live happier lives, they eventually get what they want.
They get a lover, or a job. They stop thinking of killing themselves. In short, they become happy.
Sometimes clients will ask why what they want isn’t happening. I tell them it is happening. When the client can’t see it happening, it means they’re telling stories which block their perception.
Whether we perceive our progress or not makes all the difference. Every thing we want does manifest. But often, important “manifestations” slip by our awareness. For example, most transgender women will not celebrate the thought “My joyful, attractive lover is on the way”. They’re too focused on not having that joyful attractive lover. Or they complain about men they’re meeting.
Chasers, scared guys and guys just looking for dick pics abound. When they fill transgender women’s dating lives, it’s easy thinking they’re the only men out there. It’s true for trans-attracted men too. When trans-attracted men can’t find a transgender woman who will take them seriously, or can’t find any in their area, it’s easy to say “there are no transgender women near me.”
The problem is whatever we look at or talk about becomes our reality. So when a guy shows up representing an improvement on the kinds of guys the woman usually meets, she’ll look at that guy through her past experience. She will look over the improvement. Then say “nothing is changing”, or, like a recent client: “I always meet these kinds of guys.”
And when a transgender woman appears in the man’s neighborhood, he’ll literally not see her.
Incremental improvement
Meanwhile, improvement, evidenced in the new guy, still exists. So does the transgender woman living in our neighborhood. Just because we don’t see them, doesn’t mean they’re not real. But if our perception stays stuck on past negative experience, then for all intents and purposes, they’re not real. We’ll keep creating more negative experiences instead of seeing what we want coming true.
Which explains why so many transgender women and trans-attracted men struggle with everything from negative self image to negative dating experiences. Or no dating experiences at all. Loneliness, depression and sadness or dismal online dating results all indicate chronic focus on past negative experience.
But something cool happens the moment a transgender woman or trans-attracted guy changes their perspective. In that moment, a new dimension shows itself. In that new dimension, improvement shines everywhere. It was always there. But with our changed perspective, we now see it. We see our men getting better. And we start seeing transgender women everywhere.
We change our perspective through stories we tell about what we’re looking at. So long as we tell stories about things we don’t like, we keep seeing those things. We keep experiencing them too. But when we focus on improvement and talk about how improved our life becomes, we support more improvement showing up in our perspective.
Anyone can find that partner they want (Photo by Caleb Ekeroth)
Evidence abounds
For example, one of my clients, who I’ll call Karen, dates exclusively online. These days she only does so when feeling lonely or depressed. That’s improvement. Another improvement though, shows up in men she’s meeting. Karen is on her 52d week of practice. She’s improved her stories a lot. But she still has many other stories needing cleaning up.
Nevertheless, she acknowledges small improvements in men she meets online. She really wants to meet men in person. But for now, the story “I can’t find a man locally” dominates her attention. So she doesn’t notice when men compliment her or strike up conversations with her, which they do often whenever she goes out.
Karen didn’t agree when I told her men she meets online have improved. After detailed analysis, however, she couldn’t disagree. The men still ghost her. Or they are early in their trans-attraction and thus unwilling to meet in person. But Karen had to agree, they improved in terms of their willingness to talk with her, the things they had in common with her, and how they treated her.
Noticing incremental improvement is crucial. That’s because that’s how all manifestations happen, including relationship manifestations. It’s also crucial because noticing that improvement adds momentum behind the improvement. Without noticing the improvement, or worse, noticing no improvement, we perpetuate what we’re getting; whether that’s sucky men, crazy transgender women, or no relationship nibbles at all.
Getting what you want can be hard when we keep looking at what we don’t want. (Photo by Adrian Swancar on Unsplash)
How to not get your true love
Appreciating incremental improvement also holds back impatience. Impatience happens when we overly focus on the relationship we want. We recognize it’s not there. Then lose sight of the incremental improvement. Impatience tells us we’re creating a reality we don’t want. Usually that means more of what we now have.
It’s also important knowing what “manifestations” look like. Impatience is a manifestation. So is recognizing the impatience. Doing something about it is a manifestation too. Appreciating ourselves for doing that is too. It’s important to understand everything is a manifestation. It’s important because even an emotional improvement is progress. And going from impatience to appreciation represents an improvement.
Anyone wanting a relationship they think they can’t have stands amidst manifestations telling them something they really want to know. Those manifestations include negative emotions they feel while standing where they stand. I help clients practice everything I shared in this post. Not only do clients live happy lives as a result, they also eventually find the guy or girl of their dreams.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. It happens gradually. The good news is, on the way to that ultimate relationship, my clients find their lives becoming increasingly happier. Want what they have? Contact me.
Some transgender women and, cisgender women who find themselves married to, apparently, “straight” men, share a common frustration. That frustration shows up when a trans-attracted man posing as a straight one, avoids owning their trans attraction. Or when such men try owning it but do so poorly.
They marry a cisgender woman. Or they act in ways earning them being called “tranny chaser”.
To be honest, I don’t blame transgender and cisgender women getting pissed at trans-attracted men. Especially when those men run away from or hide their trans attraction.
I understand how infuriating it must be for cisgender women who marry men claiming to want a cisgender wife, but who also are trans-attracted. When they relent to their natural, wholesome desire for transgender women – usually behind their wives’ backs – the wives’ feeling of betrayal makes sense. Especially after many years of marriage. Especially when the men kept their trans attraction secret.
It’s a different set of reasoning, but I also can understand infuriation transgender women feel. When those same “straight” men express interest in transgender women, but then keep their attraction secret it can feel demeaning to trans women. Or when they seek only sex from transgender women while keeping the women on the side. Or when they claim they want relationships, but ghost after the first sexual encounter.
More than meets the eye
I also have compassion for the men though. I understand what they’re going through. That’s because I once was there. And I recognize how difficult it can be owning one’s trans attraction. Going against pretty much everything we’ve been taught about what it means to be a man presents challenges.
I also understand the insecurity, fear, and self hatred such men feel. Such emotions belie a lack of self-acceptance these men have. They can’t accept parts of themselves they interpret as being gay or worse.
My compassion for such men partly spawned this website. My compassion for transgender women and what they go through fleshed out my reasoning. This site exists as a clearing. It’s designed to help both sides understand each other. And then create beautiful relationships based on that mutual understanding.
For cisgender women who end up married to trans-attracted men, only to discover much later they cannot satisfy such men, I can only offer the following. There had to be a match between who the woman was being, and who the man was being at the time they married. That match didn’t need to result in a marriage though.
But sometimes, marriage happens that way. It’s easy to ignore one’s intuition. And I’m positive these women knew something was up before they walked down the aisle. The same holds true for transgender women who meet all kinds of unsavory men.
Getting to where this guy has gotten is the struggle for many trans-attracted men.
Suppression creates deceit
Clues indicating the truth about someone always exist. No matter what their mouth says. Everyone communicates telepathically. Intuition picks up that communication. Not listening to intuition results in unsatisfying relationships.
Ultimately, what we have here are men who cannot own who they are. They fear what might happen if they own who they are. Since they can’t own who they are, they won’t tell others about it. That should be logical.
It’s exactly the same when a transgender woman first knows she’s trans. Many transgender people commit suicide before they own who they are. Others wait many, many years before they finally begin transitioning. Meanwhile, they tell no one. Until they can no longer suppress who they are.
Some of that suppression for trans-attracted men and transgender women, involve drug and alcohol use. People use such substances to numb themselves from their intuitive knowing. So deceit of others starts first with self-deceit.
It’s only recently that many transgender people own their true selves. A large part transpeople today accepting themselves comes from people before them blazing trails. Social media sites like Instagram help connect people. Such sites resolve isolation some folks feel. And the general increasing acceptance of transgender people society wide has helped.
Not loving yourself results in deceit. (Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash)
Revulsive behavior say the women
Such support hardly exists for trans-attracted men. As a result, we see many trans-attracted men doing what many transgender women, and transgender people in general, have done for decades. They live in silence, in secret, struggling with self-acceptance. They try to figure their shit out on the down low on their own. Often at the expense of women, both transgender and otherwise.
In other words, these men are scared and alone. Maybe you can relate if you’re trans and reflecting on your own early experience. And in their fear, they make choices not in their best interests, nor in the best interests of those with whom they end up in a relationship. Whether those people are transgender or cisgender.
I’m not making excuses for the men’s decisions. I am telling it like it is. And it is only by excepting what is, that we can begin to move toward something resembling appreciation for how what is creates problems we see. A large part of these men’s struggle is open hostility many transgender women level towards these men.
It looks like the hostility comes AFTER receiving these guys’ behaviors. That’s not really what is happening, but so long as transgender women act as if it IS happening that way, they will feel like victims. While also victimizing – and perpetuating the experience of – men whose behavior transgender women revile.
Only after recognizing what’s really happening can we establish supportive atmospheres for cis-trans relationships that work for everyone. Such relationships can go a long way towards ending situations where cisgender women feel betrayed by a man the women should never have married.
It’s all about attitude
By normalizing trans attraction among transgender women, we can also eliminate infuriation trans women feel when they meet men living in the shadows. Such behavior belies a basic lack of self-acceptance. Transgender women could feel compassion for such behaviors as many such women suffer from the same condition and have behaved similarly. But so many transgender women point fingers at the men while ignoring their own past, or even present, self-shame or lack of self acceptance.
That’s a problem-perpetuating paradox.
Pretty much every human being has had some experience with lack of self acceptance. Trans-attracted men are no different. And in that lack of self acceptance, whether one is gay, trans, a racial minority, or what have you, lack of self acceptance is still lack of self acceptance. And lack of self acceptance, generally, generates fear, insecurity and behaviors, which come from those feelings. Behaviors, which often look like doing things one wouldn’t otherwise do if that person proudly owned who they were.
So what we see when scared trans-attracted men marry cisgender women or ghost a trans women after an initial online connection, is fear and insecurity manifested as behavior. Any transgender woman accepting that as what is, will also find themselves gradually meeting more men who are more self accepting. What we resist persists. Transgender women complaining about trans-attracted men perpetuate the phenomena they hate. Period.
That is the only way out of the infuriating experiences transgender women have with trans-attracted men. It starts with the women’s attitude.
Anger towards men, especially trans-attracted men, just perpetuates transgender women’s negative experiences with men. Want to change that transgender women? Then you gotta change your attitude. (Photo by Engin Akyurt)
Meeting her match
The fact is, plenty of trans-attracted men out there would be more than happy to date out loud and in public a transgender woman. What’s happening when transgender women meet up with scared men instead of these more confident ones? The transgender woman harbors some sort of lack of self acceptance, or harbors insecurity about themselves, their appearance maybe, which draws to them men who are equally insecure.
For example, one of my clients just today talked about stories she has, which do exactly what I’m describing. She believes she is “fat and unattractive“. That story along with several others leaves her feeling lonely and depressed. The attitude expressed in “I’m fat and unattractive” radiates like radar waves.
Usually, whenever she feels this way, she reaches out online. She tries to meet a guy that will soothe her loneliness and depression. The problem with doing that is she will inevitably attract men in similar attitudes. Not necessarily alone and depressed men, but definitely insecure ones. And insecurity, you can bet, is a close companion to loneliness and depression.
In other words, my client meets her matches. Every time. When the encounter goes south, conclusions she draws about the encounter amplify her loneliness and depression. Her conclusion always is “This aways happens.”
Of course it will always happen. And it will continue to do so long as she does nothing about her stories.
Every person creates their reality
So, if a transgender woman wants to eliminate, scared, trans-attracted men from her life, she must first create a better feeling place internally. It’s that simple.
But sometimes the simplest way is also the most difficult. Simplicity often comes after months or years of practice. Anyone studying martial arts or any other demanding sport or art will affirm that assertion.
The same is true with changing one’s beliefs. If one wants to experience a state of security, confidence and joyful life experience, one must first create those states internally. Then their life will reflect that back to them. Life will include all kinds of joyful things. Including confident, joyful, secure men.
But, as long as transgender women point fingers at men, complaining about who they’re being or how they’re being, they blame life for their experience. Meanwhile their complaining, blaming attitude creates more experiences they can complain about and blame men for. A transgender woman cannot change the kind of men she meets until she changes her internal state of being. The state of being creating the life she’s experiencing.
I get how crazy this must sound. But, after some practice, it’s quite easy to see how what I’m describing, bears fruit. And it doesn’t take very long before the evidence becomes overwhelming.
A transgender woman cannot change the kind of men she meets until she changes her internal state of being. This video explains why.
Lasting love for everyone
It’s not necessary that transgender women must experience insecure “tranny chasers”. It’s also unnecessary for trans-attracted men to feel shame, insecurity, and fear about their trans attraction. Just like transgender women, they create their experience. And so, if both the women and the men tell better stories about their experiences, their experiences will change.
This is the basis of what we share at The Transamorous Network. It is a simple process. But the simplicity of it is a practiced simplicity. After weeks of diligent practice, evidence starts piling up. Once that happens the practitioner wants more evidence. Soon mastery follows. Then life becomes the joyful experience it can be for everyone.
This approach equally applies to cisgender women who feel betrayed by their husbands. But I get how resistant such women are to hearing this message. Their sense of betrayal is so strong, they just want to keep blaming their ex husbands. All the while not knowing they’re not doing themselves any favors in pointing fingers.
I say get on with finding happiness. It starts, for everyone, with an attitude adjustment. Then, finding lasting love is easy. Interested in knowing more? Let’s talk.
We love it when transgender women write to us with vitriol. When they double down on their disempowering stories, we know they’re creating more of what’s making them miserable. Their words have nothing to do with us.
Let’s forget the fact her assumptions about me are totally wrong. Being a non-binary person of color would argue for a LACK of privilege, were I concerned about such things.
But since I’m not, I’d rather focus on the rest of her comments. For such comments say way more about Madonna than the thing she criticizes so vehemently.
You can’t have it both ways
When transgender women make such comments, they’re shooting themselves in the foot. Such a person struggles finding happiness and a life wherein everything they want happens effortlessly. To such people a default joy is literally impossible. Telling such stories creates that reality for them. Then they say what Madonna said above.
Again, telling negative stories only reinforces whatever experiences cause one to make such comments. What’s really happening though is, the person first creates the story. Then they experience circumstances confirming the stories. But they don’t know this is happening. They think experiences come first, then they conclude from that experience.
And that’s why they create realities in which they see everyone enjoying more privilege than them. Accept for those who share similar stories.
Strangely enough, everyone is over-privileged. All humans enjoy so much privilege, they can use that privilege to create anything. Including lives so oppressive they think they enjoy no privilege at all.
Stories create reality. There’s no way around that. But misery loves company. Which means, the more miserable a person is, the more misery they’ll experience. Then, when someone shows them a happy alternative, that person will double down on their misery instead. For them, their experience is true. Which it actually is. But it needn’t be.
Some are buying though
Despite this woman’s wrong assertion, transgender women are “buying” what we offer. As a result they find empowering careers, free themselves from suicidal thoughts and experience increasing success at love. Most importantly, they accept themselves more.
Same with trans-attracted men.
We don’t need every one of them buying. But for every one who does, that’s one more person realizing, owning and living a life wherein all they want, happens effortlessly. Who won’t feel perpetual joy experiencing that?
So we know what we offer works. Some aren’t going to get it though. Like Madonna here, they’ll keep on telling negative stories. I prefer playing with transgender women and trans-attracted men who want the perpetual joy we offer.
Every once in a while, a cis woman will write us in despair. These women share “betrayal, shock and sadness” they feel after discovering their husband’s involvement with transgender women. Their discovery usually comes “by accident”, which is why such women express so much shock.
Such a message came our way in the comments section recently:
My husband is trans attracted. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband.
His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. I’m completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.
Many trans-attracted men wind up married to cis women. That’s because the shame and self loathing they feel about who and what they are has them repress what they want. In exchange, they go for what society tells them they “should” want.
Acceptance is hard
But the price they pay is far too great. Not only do they set themselves up for pain later on, they also, potentially, set up their partners and perhaps children. I totally understand their choices though. I married two cis women. The first I married totally oblivious to my trans attraction. The second marriage I walked into with my eyes open. It wasn’t about love. It was about giving the girl I married what she wanted. She knew about my trans attraction.
So I understand when men like me choose a cis woman over a transgender one. They don’t know what they’re missing when they do that. And, in my opinion, trans attraction will not suffer compromise. Soon or later, it will express itself. That’s why more and more cis women speak of betrayal and shock when they discover their husband “fucking trannies”.
Accepting our trans attraction can be a fraught-filled path. We face potential ridicule from friends, ostracism from family and potentially debilitating self-condemnation. As if that weren’t enough, men like us also often face humiliation, ostracism and ridicule from targets of our affection: the very women we find ourselves irresistibly attracted to.
So I don’t blame guys like me who try resisting their trans attraction. As I said though, that comes at a cost. The most expensive cost is lack of self acceptance.
When guys like us don’t embrace our natural, normal attraction, we give off insecurity vibes. Those vibes attract transgender women who are matches to that. Which is why men like me struggle with their attraction. They wonder why they keep meeting less-than-desirable trans girls. Trans girls who reject them.
Shame is common among many trans-attracted men (Photo by Aaron Blanco)
Self loathing masked as attacking men
Getting rejected by trans girls, while common, needn’t be any trans-attracted guy’s experience. But it will be if guys don’t accept themselves. When they do though, their entire dating experience will change.
The same happens, of course for transgender women.
Transgender women who don’t accept their trans-ness can’t abide by a guy who finds them attractive, in part, because they’re trans. Some trans girls agree with society. They think they are somehow “a mistake” or “born in the wrong body”. They can’t accept and embrace the fact that they chose this path as does every trans-attracted person.
Why anyone would choose transamory or being transgender is easy to answer, but it’s beyond the scope of this post. The point is, when a transgender woman calls a trans-attracted person a “tranny chaser”, “chaser” or some other derogatory term, they’re essentially saying “my status as a transgender person isn’t valid. So if you’re wanting me for that reason, you must be a freak, a fetishizer, fiend, or abnormal.”
We don’t call men who chase vagina “chasers”. We accept their behavior as “normal”. But what is normal? And is normal something someone really should strive for?
I don’t think so.
It’s better embracing one’s trans-ness as well as one’s trans-attraction. Men go through a “hyper” stage wherein they try fucking as many vaginas as possible. Girls go through their own process, but society makes it bad and wrong to express that overtly, so women don’t talk about it, or express it as directly as guys.
Many transgender women go through similar experiences. They seek out as much dick as they can. In other words, they’re exploring themselves.
Transgender women hating on trans-attracted men say more about their self-image than the men they hate (Photo by Engin Akyurt)
We’re a match to what we get
Trans-attracted men go through similar stages. If a trans woman doesn’t want to meet such men, who are going through a period of radical self-exploration, they need to up their story game. They must tell different stories about a number of subjects. Stories about themselves, about dating, about men and about relationships to name a few of many.
Diana Tourjeé, a journalist who happens to be transgender wrote an interesting article about cis women discovering their partners’ transamory. In it, she gives her own take on this perspective.
This is the danger in stereotyping all trans amorous men as chasers. Many are just discovering their sexuality, or finally want to be honest about who they are. They may well be living with severe anxiety or depression due to their reasonable fear. So the outright rejection of all men expressly interested in trans women ultimately alienates whatever number of trans amorous men are capable of, or actively are trying to overcome that fear. [These men] are an example of people who desire an authentic, fulfilling connection with trans women; rejecting them has only caused harm.
I agree. Tourjeé goes on to say many people, including transgender women, hold flawed and harmful ideas. These ideas say anyone who loves transgender women is abnormal. And that’s as harmful as thinking that transgender women themselves are abnormal. For if trans-attraction is abnormal, what does that make transgender women?
It’s a question every transgender woman might want to ask themselves the next time they want call some guy interested in them a “chaser”.
Good advice for cis women
As for cis women married to trans-attracted men, I think we’re going to see many more such women suffering shocking surprises. The more society leans toward accepting transgender people, more men will cast off their shame. I think that’s a good thing.
Women married to trans-attracted men are settling. As much as a shock as it might feel, if such women really look at their relationship with their trans-attracted husbands, they will discover clues existed throughout their relationship.
It’s hard to see the signs the universe shows one when one is on the wrong path. Often, such signs only become clear in the rear-view mirror. I would suggest to such women that the end of their marriage, rather than being the worst thing that ever happened, could become the exact opposite.
It could become an inflection point leading to a more genuine and authentic relationship containing more of what the woman wants. And when that happens, doesn’t that mean the ending of the marriage was actually a good thing?
I think so. Life tends to work out. Life is more fun when seen from that lens and lived with that expectation. Telling positive stories about life helps build such perspectives. Want to know more?
