Tag: Transgender

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Why Are Trans-Attracted Men So Weak!

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’m trans. I’ve often thought that all it will take is a few fearless men to shift culture.

There’s this one guy who I’ve been talking with for years. He pursues me. He is charming, respectful and good looking. We met up once, and it was the best sex of my life. And yet, his parents would never accept him dating me, so he keeps me at a distance. That’s what we deal with all the time. Men who are otherwise good men, but are too weak to fully own their full selves.

I don’t want to hold their hands like a mom and lead them into this. They need to develop fearlessness on their own. So, I’m left just feeling sad that these many many men are too afraid to man up.

I think that if a few powerful men set an example, other men will see that power, and have permission to follow. If someone like Dave Chappelle talked about how he’s attracted to trans women, and he doesn’t give a fuck about judgement, that would shift culture. Instead, he makes entire comedy specials wrestling with his obsession with us, and projecting his shame onto us.

Not only would it give men permission to be open and honest if a few men were open, but it would also be the very thing that made men far far more attractive to us. There’s nothing that’s sexier than a man who stands in his full power and owns who he really is. That’s the sort of thing that makes me want to fall to my knees.🥰

Tired of the weak men

Hey Tired,

Thanks for your eloquence. What I’m sharing here may sound harsh, but I swear, I don’t mean it that way. I want you to have what you want. And it’s so close! But like many of my clients, I think you might be shooting yourself in the foot regarding what you want. 

I’m not trying to offend you. Please remember this as you read on.

There has been at least one prominent man (Actor Malik Yoba) who proudly “outed” himself as trans-attracted. There are many men, not as prominent, coming out too. I featured many in my YouTube videos. And some of them have their own YouTube channels. I was just talking with one last week. Let me know if you’d like the link to his channel.

As in many cases, where we seek solutions to problems, we think a single act can solve it. Many people think, for example, that if just one prominent guy comes out and owns his attraction, others will too. I don’t think there’s a silver bullet here wrt transgender women and men who love them both finding “out loud” love. No matter how many prominent men come out, it’s always going to eventually be up to the individual to do the work. Other men can ease the strain of that, like the abundance of transgender people living out loud and successful today have helped other trans people live authentically. But ultimately, if we’re waiting for some shining knight to break us free, we’re going to have to wait a long time.

I have a question for you about your experience you shared about this wonderful seeming guy, who has so many characteristics you desire. I hope you will really consider what I’m offering in this question. I think it could cause for you a tremendous breakthrough. Then I’m going to follow the question with the rationale behind why I ask it. I share this rationale often with my transgender clients. Ok, here’s the question:

Why not take this man you describe as being so desirable in so many ways by the hand, not like “a mom” but like a supportive, empowering lover, and walk with him through to his self acceptance?

Here now is the rationale: Here you have this guy. This guy has so many of the qualities you’re looking for. He clearly (at least from what you’ve written,) satisfies you in so many ways. And yet, instead of YOU being courageous and daring and helping him walk this path as a supportive potential partner, you’re willing to cast all that goodness aside? Why???? Why are you being so stubborn about this? Because you’re judging him as weak?

He’s not being weak. He doesn’t want to offend or cause heartache for his parents. That’s not weakness. That’s what nearly every man has been indoctrinated to be relative to their parents. I’m not saying it’s right. I’m saying that’s they way it is. And powerful spiritual dynamics drive this what-is-ness that you overlook in calling it “weakness”. 🙄

I think transgender women (and people in general) think they’re going to find this perfect person who will be fearless and have no issues. Meanwhile, in that very moment, they are themselves dealing with issues of their own. EVERYONE WILL HAVE SOMETHING THEY NEED TO GROW INTO. And some of those things are fucking hard to grow into because they challenge very powerful social, familial and cultural indoctrinations hardly anyone avoids. There are LOTS of transgender people who go through exactly this. Yet, here you are (as an example) expecting the total package to show up ready to sweep you off your feet when you, yourself, most likely, had to come into yourself over time and still are, again, most likely.

That’s the same thing this guy is doing.

Here’s this guy possessing many of the qualities you want in a guy….and you’re doing exactly what he’s doing. He keeps you at a distance, so you do the same thing. Are you really being strong here? Or are YOU being weak.

Kettle, meet pot.

The guy is reflecting back to you who you’re being. If you want someone like this guy but without familial issues, you must stop being who YOU’RE being. You’re pointing your finger at this guy, while your other three fingers are pointing right back at you, Megan. Are you picking up the words I’m putting down here?

Now, you can meet a guy who will be fearless about his appreciation for you and even not care about what anyone thinks. But, I say this from experience, so long as you tell the stories you’re telling about trans-attracted men in general, and this guy specifically, you’re not going to meet such a man because you’re not a match to him.

But you can be.

You write: There’s nothing that’s sexier than a man who stands in his full power and owns who he really is. That’s the sort of thing that makes me want to fall to my knees.🥰

In case you don’t realize it, you’re corresponding with such a person. I don’t write this to imply you should date me. I write it to preempt any sort of defensiveness or double-downing you might come back with. Think about what you’ve just read. This guy pursuing you can be the guy with whom a tremendous relationship blossoms. But YOU must be the fearless one. Not he.

TTN

Dear TTN,

I understand what you’re saying. I think it’s complex with this man I know because his form of holding me at a distance is to meet trans girls for sex. I’ve expressed my desire for more, and he wished me luck with that. He’s clearly saying to me that he’s not open to more. I don’t want to be his booty call. I don’t want to be one of his many side girls. That doesn’t turn me on, and yet that’s all he can offer, given his situation and how he’s choosing to relate to it. It just feels like to do anything more would be to pine over him in a needy way. I’ve already been clear of what I want, a loving devoted relationship. Yes, I want the great sex, but that’s not something I will settle for.

I don’t mind you being blunt with me, by the way. I very much respect that. Lol, it even sort of excites me, because I love being in that space of growth and potential opening.

Thank you for your wonderful response. 🙏

Hi Again Tired

I understand what you’re describing here. I wouldn’t want to be his booty call either. LOL

It sounds like his road is going to be a long one. Based on my experience with trans-attracted guys, I don’t think his current trend will continue though. At some point, he’s going to get tired of booty calls and want something more. That could mean something becomes available with him.

But I TOTALLY agree with you: you needn’t wait for that. And I certainly would not advocate pining for anyone, especially in a needy way. Yuck.

I love that you’re clear about what you want Megan. Me too. And I, like you, find excitement in that space of growth and potential opening.

TTN

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Finally A Transgender Woman’s Advice Speaks Truth

Photo by Oleg Laptev on Unsplash

So many transgender women blame men for their dating experiences. I hear their complaints often through correspondence here at The Transamorous Network.

Some say men only want dick picks. Once they get sex they want, the women say, the men ghost them. Transgender women complain about how men won’t date them in public. They also complain about men who “are otherwise good men, but are “too weak” to fully own their full selves.”

Meanwhile, I must sound like a broken record. I’m sure some roll their eyes when I say “you meet these kinds of men because you’re a match to them. Change the stories about men you’re meeting and you’ll meet different men. If you don’t, you’ll keep meeting these men you revile.”

Here’s a perfect example of a typical response I get:

Well, dear transgender women readers, if you won’t listen to me, perhaps you’ll listen to a fellow transgender woman. This person is not a client. And yet what she shares is exactly what I tell my clients repeatedly.

In a story she wrote for Halloween, she acknowledged her past experiences which showed her how she perfectly matched men she met. Not only does she describe it perfectly, she also acknowledges the fact: every transgender woman creates every situation they experience.

Indeed. And that includes men they meet. Here’s the author’s own words:

“…I was…attracting the wrong kind of men. It turns out that you get what you fish for. If you use trampy bait, you will get trampy men. If you’re advertising sex, men will expect it.”

The gold is within

In other words, who we’re being, creates experiences we get. If we’re getting a certain kind of man, we’re creating him. So the solution is do something about who we’re being. Complaining about what we’re getting won’t work!

This transgender woman shares so much gold. The story is worth reading in its entirety. In it she confronts her own stories, who she was being, and in doing so, she owns having created her past experiences. Then she changes who she was being, first by examining what stories she put out in the past, then conjuring new stories about what she wanted.

Is it any wonder this transgender woman is in a relationship? Here’s some more gold:

“What I need to consider is what do I want a man to see when he does notice me? What kind of man am I interested in? That just gets me back to understanding myself. What do I like and what do I want to call into my life? Do I want to call in a seedy one-night stand or a man who is interested in some deeper part of me? In my case, I decided on the latter.”

A human being is a powerful, eternal expression of All That Is. In that expression we enjoy full free will. We can create any experience we desire. No one else does it but us.

The question remains then: when transgender women blame men for their experiences, who really is to blame? Is there really blame to assign? Or is it really the case of an eternal being (the trans woman), having chosen to come into the world as trans, figuring out the best way to joy, but getting stuck in her shoddy creations?

Those are questions every transgender woman should seriously consider.

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When Past Clients Keep Getting Great Results

I love it when a past transgender or trans-attracted client writes me to share results they’re still getting from telling positive stories. It’s a fringe benefit I enjoy: seeing the power of “stories create reality” in past clients.

People who understand and then implement that line get positive results that keep on coming.

That’s why I’m not surprised when clients write sharing their continuing wonder at how great their life keeps getting. When they share, their evidence amplifies my own. I get charge reading their ongoing results as much as I enjoy getting my own results.

When we tell only positive stories about our experience, we start seeing the world differently from most other people. One client for example, shared how, before her practice, her life mainly was composed of worry, dissatisfaction and boredom. She felt some contentment every now and then. But she knew nothing like what she discovered after she changed stories she told about life. She said nearly all her friends still consistently live the way she once did.

That confirms my experience. Most people just don’t know how great life is. But a joyful life can show up for anyone. All it takes: a willingness to deliberately focus. Today, this client is loving life. She’s finding herself consistently in wonder and amazement. For her, boredom, worry and dissatisfaction no longer show up. She’s gotten so much reward, she’s now an advanced practitioner and finding even greater levels of wonder.

The upward spiral is real y’all

On my other blog, I wrote about the positive feedback loop clients get from this practice. Life just gets better and better. By telling positive stories about life, life becomes a virtuous upward spiral. Gradually, subjects we care about improve. And the more they improve, the more they improve.

That’s because of the positive-feedback-loop nature of the practice. Meaning, continuing improvement births even more continuing improvement. And no limits exist to how improved life gets!

A Positively Focused practice (telling positive stories) creates an unending, increasingly joyful life.

So when a past trans client recently wrote me, I wasn’t surprised at how great his (he uses he/him pronouns) life keeps getting. Instead, I congratulated him. Consistently telling positive stories takes some doing. Especially if life isn’t going so well at first. After a while though, it’s just automatic. It’s automatic because that’s the way our Broader Perspective wants us living. And from there, all we desire becomes possible.

But a peculiar thing clients experience surprises them. It’s how they see how different other people experience life. Which is what this client shared:

It’s so great hearing from clients living joyful lives. I love that I’m a part of that change in their lives. It’s a fringe benefit I enjoy from helping others find their connection to the life many think impossible. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people.

The thing is, everything is possible. The only thing limiting life are stories we tell about life. Want to change your stories? Contact me.

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Men Are Changing For The Better

Photo by Dmitry Vechorko on Unsplash

I love how All That Is is taking men in the direction of their evolution. It’s great seeing them struggle with limiting identities that, frankly, could have been cast away long ago. Those same identities are what can make being trans so dangerous and being trans-attracted so shameful.

But since we’re all eternal, men, like the rest of us, have all the time in the Universe to evolve. Still, some men are kicking and screaming while the Universe drags them into a better future. A future better for the rest of us, including trans and trans-attracted people. And for the men too.

This is not to say all men have been problems. Many men, are early adopters who embrace more fully all that they are, already find themselves feeling better about our continued evolution. They’re allies, partners and loving and supporting parents.

It’s the men in the middle of the bell curve who still struggle. That big bulge (pun intended) of hyper-masculine men in the middle of the curve are finally getting a clue. Many aren’t liking it. That’s why we have MAGA.

But women and people of color are liking it. So are some transgender women. And some men.

That’s another thing I love about All That Is. It happens simultaneously in the the now, creating more of that which I want to see. There, every person, every living thing, gets exactly what it needs. Every moment serves our collective evolution. It’s so odd that humans fight that evolution. Meanwhile everything else merrily goes along with it.

Signs of Progress

Two stories illustrate both men’s and our collective, progress. One describes how lonely men are and why they struggle. The other talked about Men’s changing role in society, especially now that women enjoy greater workplace prominence, larger incomes and more responsibility. The article describes how these advances are upending male role expectations both in the family and in the office. These advances threaten male self-image. I think they represent wonderful signs of social progress.

Today’s societies and workplaces no longer depend on male brawn to accomplish things. Income opportunities shifted, thanks to tech, but also society’s modernization, from blue collar, labor intensive work to Health, Education, Administrative and Literacy (HEAL) and STEM jobs. Jobs which women can do as well as, if not better than, men.

As a result, more women fill workplace positions than ever before. Especially in STEM and HEAL positions. Their numbers have triggered better pay for women too, often making them family breadwinners. Something once believed was the exclusive purview of men.

Not any more.

All this challenges male self-image, the silly notion that somehow men should rule over all else because their earning capacity, historically derived from their physical strength, endurance and capability, makes them, better, smarter and, therefore superior. Hogwash.

Finding their place

That idea was always an illusion. All That Is has always been about cooperation among ALL THINGS. Not only between men and women, but also between humans and animals. The ancient ritual of providing food proves this.

Ancient man knew animals played a key part in their hunting success. It was less about men’s hunting prowess, taking their kill from nature with grit and cunning, and much more about the ceremonial cooperation between human and animal. Ancient hunters knew when, for example, a buffalo offered itself to become food for humans, that that buffalo played as important a role in the hunt as the hunter.

Which is why native people often honored animals. Especially animals that gave themselves to sustain their families.

Men have had it wrong for centuries and in many ways continue getting it wrong on many points. That’s caused many problems for men, women, children and society at large. Some of those problems are dire today. Thankfully men are finally getting the message.

It’s all good news

Thankfully too, we still have plenty of time to improve civilization before Mother Nature once and for all kicks our collective human asses. Humanity still counts on distortions many humans still hold about reality as accurate, that, actually, aren’t accurate at all.

Remember, we’re all eternal. Many men already understand their role in life isn’t about being some overlord over others, especially women. But there still are a lot of men who don’t have a clue.

Thankfully, All That Is is patient and persistent in its instruction. That patience is finally paying off. Men are becoming softer, saner, more tuned in to their femininity. That doesn’t mean they’re becoming more like women. It means they’re becoming more human.

Don’t worry transgender women. If you still need a hyper-masculine man to validate your womanhood, plenty of those men still exist. The Universe is big enough to give everyone what they want. Including men through which transgender women can feel like women.

In the meantime, I celebrate those trans-attracted guys. Guys who struggle with the awesome, sacred path of self acceptance. They are on the leading edge of what it means to not only be men, but to be human. Men are changing for the better. And that’s a really good thing.

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Here’s Why I Love Talking With Trans-Attracted Men

The Transamorous Network
The Transamorous Network

I just got off the phone with a man who happens to be trans-attracted. Like many men I talk with, he’s married to a cisgender woman. But he knew early in his life he favors transgender women. So why did he marry his wife?

Because he’s like many transgender women.

Transgender women presenting as men often first marry women and raise children. They know who they are, but can’t accept it. Instead, they accepted stories about what they “should” do as men. How they “should” be as men. It’s only later that they come into their own authenticity.

Many transgender women rail against trans-attracted men. I find this deeply hypocritical. Trans-attracted men go through many of the same struggles transgender women go through. Which is why transgender women and trans-attracted men represent perfect matches with each other. That is, if both sides can get over their negative, disempowering stories about each other.

Let’s get back to this wonderful call I enjoyed.

Like many transgender women, this guy kowtowed to family, societal and peer expectation. When his father caught him watching trans porn at age 11, his father shamed him into the closet. It didn’t help that he lives in the Bible Belt. Given all that religious tradition, pressure he felt was too great. He couldn’t accept his authenticity.

So he married a cisgender woman. It was the “man” thing to do. That was over 25 years ago.

Trans-attraction won’t be denied

What’s wonderful about this guy, like most guys like him, is his trans-attraction will not be denied. So many cisgender women contact me in disgust, rage and feeling betrayed. They don’t understand dynamics that had their husbands feel so much shame, their husbands couldn’t bear being honest about themselves.

This guy, I’ll call him Cody, truly loves his wife, who he calls his best friend. They gave birth to two children over the course of their decades long marriage. Yes, they had fights and disagreements. They both cheated on one another. The cheating represented disharmony both felt about their marriage. Disharmony that blocked both Cody and his wife’s knowing something was amiss in their marriage.

This tendency to block what’s really happening in marriage is common. Everyone knows what’s really happening in their marriage, but a lot of times the truth is too much to bear. Or, keeping the marriage, no matter how much it sucks, feels better than the alternative. That’s why I always say to wives feeling betrayed that they knew what was going on in their marriage. But they stopped themselves from seeing it.

While he knew he can’t resist transgender women, Cody told me he stays with his wife “mainly for the kids,” and the duty he believes men should live up to.

But then he met a transgender woman who I’ll call Jackie. That’s when things really started changing.

For trans-attracted men, marriage with a cis-woman is often a tragic denial of self. Both for the man and the woman.

Faced with the truth

Cody met Jackie seemingly by coincidence at Jackie’s workplace. There was instant attraction. But Cody tried to be faithful to his wife. Jackie and Cody never got intimate, but their connection was real, Cody says. He couldn’t deny how he felt. After dalliances with about ten other trans girls, Cody knew this was it, he said. He wants to be with Jackie no matter what.

Still, Cody said, he feels stuck. He believes he can’t leave his wife and kids. The situation is tearing him apart. Cody told Jackie he needed to be there for his wife. Understanding, Jackie said she’d wait for him.

Five years later, Jackie and Cody found themselves face-to-face again. This time in a different place, under different circumstances. But their attraction was still there, strong as ever.

Meanwhile, Cody’s wife discovered her Cody’s escapades on dating apps on his phone. They argued, they separated, but eventually reunited. All the while Cody knew, and knows even more so now, that his trans-attraction is his ultimate authenticity.

“I know it’s not going to go away,” He said. “And I get the importance of what you say about being authentic.”

It’s not a fetish

Just so you know, transgender women, Cody isn’t looking for a chick with a dick. He’s totally a top. But he is irresistibly attracted to the “transness” of transgneder women. Like many trans-attracted and transamorous men, he gets his strong attraction is more about WHO HE IS. Just like transgender women know themselves as WHO THEY ARE. Trans-attraction not a fetish, it’s for real.

The sad thing about some transgender women is their persistent, bogus story that trans-attracted men are somehow fetishizing transgender women through their attraction. When in actuality, trans-attracted men find transgender women attractive because they are transgender among many other factors. It’s no different than a heterosexual woman being attracted to heterosexual men. Or straight men attracted to women because they are women.

I could feel Cody’s sincerity and pain oozing out of every word he used as he described his struggle. His is a struggle because he cares about his wife and doesn’t want to hurt her. He doesn’t want to be alienated from his kids. But he also sees the writing on the wall. It’s the same calculus all married men who can’t deny their trans-attraction go through. And it’s not an easy calculus to make.

“Suppressing this is not going to work,” Cody says. “I get it now. Jackie and I are finding ourselves drawn irresistibly closer. I don’t know what I’m going to do. Fuck.”

Many transgender woman block the love they desperately seek by vilifying those men most capable of loving them. (Photo by Velizar Ivanov)

Courage to love

I love the path more men find themselves on as they own their authentic selves. Authentic selves which move humanity forward. Selves that honor transgender women for who they are.

Transgender women move humanity forward too. When they accept who they are then live that out loud, they confront limited beliefs humanity must give up to evolve.

Now imagine how powerful a transamorous/transgender couple could be. I imagine it and every time I do, I get excited for what’s possible for such individuals, and for society at large. Transgender women seek, often in vain, someone who will love and accept them for all they are. Yet they push against and resist the affection of men, like Cody, who are born exactly wired to do just that.

I find it highly ironic that the love transgender women yearn for awaits them but the place it exists, is the very place they run from. It would be comical if it weren’t so tragic in terms of transgender women living alone, depressed, or worse, compromising themselves to be with a woman when so many know a man is what they want.

I relish the call I enjoyed with Cody. Not only does it confirm what I know about these men, and why I write this blog, it shows me that love exists for everyone. But it takes courage on both sides to get the love that awaits.