Tag: transamorous men

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Men: How to love yourself

clem-onojeghuo-YOU GOTTA LOVE YOURSELF
Photo credit: Clem Onojeghuo

Learning how to love yourself is a life-long process that produces results immediately. You also get all you’re wanting. So it’s important that men learn to love themselves. Because that is the access to everything you want. Including the love of your life who happens to be transgender.

 

By “loving themselves” I don’t mean in this macho way that looks like false pride or false humility. By “loving themselves”, I mean discovering who you are. From that, love of self comes naturally.  It can’t help but come because “love” is what you are. So when you discover who you are, you naturally come to love and appreciate yourself. And when that happens, the Universe yields all that you want. Actually, it is always doing that, but your lack of self-love blocks what you’re wanting. “Lack of self-love” looks like stories you tell yourself that crate the reality you don’t want.

I know, sounds all woo. But it isn’t. It’s real. It sounds like woo because that’s what society (and science) tells us about what you’re reading. Religion tells us that too. And often religious people don’t love themselves. Or others. So we get confused about what “love” is when people profess to love but don’t. Particularly when it comes to loving themselves.

But with practice, everyone can find out what love is, simply by examining who and what they are. How? Read on…

First, learn to see positive in everything. I really mean this. You won’t believe how powerful this is (until you do it consistently). Most people I’ve worked with have a hard time getting beyond “superficial” perceptions of “positivity” and into the deep recognition.

For example, take the room you’re in. If I ask: “Tell me ten things that are positive about the room you’re in.” You might easily be able to do that. But if I say “take three minutes and tell me everything in the room that is positive”, most people barely make it to two minutes before they’re having to think really hard about it.

But with practice, you begin to realize just how much much we’re surrounded by positive things: situations, people, events, and more. As that practice expands your conscious awareness, you begin to realize that maybe there’s more to what you see with your ordinary eyes, ears, nose and such.

It seems crazy but seeing everything in a positive way really is the way to loving yourself. There’s more to it, of course, but it’s a perfect start.

Some guys reading this may say “I already love myself”. So far, I’ve seen even the most confident, open people have deep, negative stories about self-worth and self-value, indicating that, while they may appear self-loving on the outside, in reality they are not.

So begin the exploration today. It’s easy and with time you’ll see amazing results. Including the rendezvous with the partner of your dreams. We promise!

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A life worth living can be yours

ariel-lustre YOU CAN HAVE IT ALLIf there is anything that’s worth having in life, it’s a life worth living.

A life full of fun, a life full of joy, a life full of freedom, wealth and love…all these are possible…for everyone. Even you.

Of course, at The Transamorous Network we focus on realizing that relationship you’ve always wanted. Yes, we mean “always”. For you may not have been aware of your transattraction, but it has always been a part of you.

So yes, you always wanted it. And that wanting has put a lot of different potential partners into your reality experience.

But your connection to that stream of perfect-partners-for-you feels like a freaking nightmare when you’re living life oblivious to how life “happens”, how it is created (by you) in hour present-moment experience. With this mindset, it’s difficult to see how life is working out perfectly for you. Even when it is.

And it always is.

Men: You are getting everything you want. If you aren’t having that experience in your life, it’s because you’re shooting yourself in the foot by living unconsciously.

Women: Same for you.

You don’t have to buy our guide for men or our guide for transwomen to understand this. But it sure makes the process of understanding easier. Otherwise, you gotta keep coming back here and reading all this. We don’t mind though. Keep coming back. As with life, there’s always something more to learn.

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Trans attraction and the fear of death

LOVING YOU OUT LOUD MEANS
Closeted trans attracted men’s unspoken fear

Coming out as transattracted could be equated to dying: It’s a scary thing. Like death though there’s nothing to be afraid of. Although we can understand the fear.

We’ve been told all our lives that death is a scary thing. Religions have equated death to an ultimate judgement day, where your creator and you review your life and, well….it’s harps or fires baby! Other faiths suggest nothingness, paradises and such. But despite the afterlife stories, most of us irrationally fear death. Especially the first part, usually marked by some kind of massive illness, sudden traumatic experience like an accident or other violence. That must be what lead someone to once say “It’s not death I fear. It’s the dying part that’s scary!”

Science is getting around to soothing concerns about the afterlife. We here at The Transamorous Network have known all along that death holds nothing but amazement. As an aside we wonder why there is the death penalty. For killing someone as punishment is actually sending that person somewhere far better than ordinary life experience. We shake our heads in humanity’s misperception of the experience.

But we digress.

For trans attracted men in the closet, the fear of shame of humiliation in friends and family discovering one’s attraction to transgender women can be even scarier than death. We get it: at least when you die, presumably (this isn’t accurate but let’s go with it) you no longer have to face what others think of you. But here in life experience, you do. And for sure, there are some pockets of the world where being attracted to transgender women is problematic. So coming out as transattracted can have really scary consequences.

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Nas got it right. Same applies to coming out as trans attracted – the only thing to fear, is the fear.

Or can it? Well in some places perhaps. But most of the time, experience of other transattracted men has shown that coming out is more about the fear of fear itself, rather than something akin to dying. For nearly every man we know who has owned their trans attraction then come out to friends and family has found the process surprisingly lacking drama. We think that’s because of something we harp on a lot at The Transamorous Network.

You see, people respond to unspoken communication you send out about yourself. There’s a lot of depth to this, but put plainly: people read your self-confidence…or lack thereof. If you aren’t confident in who you are and how you live, people pick up on that as mirrors of you. A mirror reflects all that you see back at you. Focus on that zit and that’s all you see. Focus on the flab…the same.

But focus on the perfection that is you, including the perfection that is your trans attraction and, oh, the mirror that is society will reflect back to you the confidence you feel when you realize there is nothing wrong or shameful about finding transwomen beautiful, other than the collective indoctrination stemming from puritanical, cultural, familial biases and prejudices. These things are always made up. They are never truth. Nor are they accurate.

So think about it man. We are approached every so often via the comments section or an email by a guy who has come into their own trans attraction, moving into transamory and we can tell you, the joy in these guys’ hearts is worth the risk – and it’s a false risk – that comes with confidently owning this important part of who you are.

There is no death. And in your trans attraction there is no shame.

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2018: No better time to feel happy

Feeling happy feels good - photo Lesly Juarez
(Photo credit: Lesly Juarez)

There’s nothing better than feeling happy. Feeling happy is the start of all you want. It’s also the end of all you want: All you do you, do because you think you’ll feel better doing it. “Feel better” means getting closer and closer to feeling happy. So why not take the shortcut?

I recently conversed with a transamorous man who recently met a transwoman. He loves transwomen (obviously) but, while he is open to transwomen about his attraction, he’s not yet out to others. In other words, he’s not living an authentic, out-loud life.

I recently also had a conversation with a married transgender woman, a beautiful person from the EU. She just recently married and, to my surprise, the family of her husband (a cis man) doesn’t know she is transgender.

Now, I’ve spoken to so many transamorous men who are living their lives out loud, I am absolutely convinced there is power, joy and freedom in living transamorously, out loud. Gone is the fear. Gone is the stress. Got is the hiding. Gone is the drama.

And you know, what you fear being discovered is actually already known by others. They may not know the specifics. But they know. You think you’re hiding your attraction, but others pick up on your insecurity. Not only that, the women you find yourself attracted to also pick on it.

Sadly enough, when you’re living in the closet about your trans attraction, insecure about what others might think or say about you, you bring into your life perfect-match transwomen: transwomen who, like you, are equally as insecure. I guess that’s not so sad because you create your reality. Meaning, you can bring into your life dream-trans-women. But to do that, you first have to come to terms with yourself.

So if only for the reason of meeting better matches, it behooves you to learn to accept who and what you are and live your life out loud. It’s 2018 for goodness sakes! The world is in upheaval in the face of the transgender movement. Now is the perfect time to declare who you are.

And let the chips fall where they may.

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The PROCESS called trans attraction

tranny chaserThe term “tranny chaser” is often thrown at men who are attracted to transgender women. Usually by the very women the men are attracted to. We talk a lot about stories here at The Transamorous Network. A story is a thought a person repeats to themselves until it becomes a belief. Beliefs are stories a person repeatedly thinks until it becomes “unconscious” – it becomes so familiar to the person, they don’t have to think about thinking about it. It just is.

When a story becomes a belief, it is very powerful. Long before that point, such stories are attracting to themselves physical phenomena – events, people, circumstances – which match the story’s content. Of course, there is evidence disproving, or not matching, the story. But the storyteller cannot see that evidence. The predominantly only see matching evidence. The more the person repeats the story, the more difficult it is to see contrary evidence. That’s why, for example, some transwomen claim they will “never” find a guy, while pointing to the mound of her failed relationships. So long as she continues to believe that story, she continues to have that life experience.

At some point a story, particularly a negative one, has so much momentum behind it, it becomes automatic or knee-jerk. For example, a woman who happens to be trans can have an experience with a guy who definitely is NOT a “tranny chaser” observe some behavior that “triggers” her “tranny chaser” story and, in no time, that story becomes active in her mind. When that happens, the guy becomes a chaser. Even if he really isn’t one.

There are, of course, plenty of transgender women who do not have such stories. So guys, you’re in luck! For those women who do have such stories, there’s little you can do to defend yourself against them. Other than, of course, changing your stories about transgender women so you don’t encounter them.

What’s fascinating about transgender women who do have this story, or any other which demeans the men naturally attracted to them, is the state of hypocrisy involved. This wonderful Medium story by Julia Serano, which I’ll refer to several times in future posts, characterizes the state of being “transgender” as a process. Serano brilliantly describes how a person who is “cis-gender” could at any time become “trans” as soon as that person decides to coincide their appearance with an already existing or emergent internal identity:

…in discussions about trans identities and trajectories, [the words “transgender” and cis-gender”] often give the false impression that “cis” and “trans” are immutable and mutually exclusive categories, when in fact they are not.

For example, there are many people out there who (at this particular moment) would describe themselves as cisgender or cissexual, but who in the future will identify as transgender or transsexual. And (in the case of those who detransition) some people who self-identify as trans today may not in the future.

In fact, when discussing matters of identity and gender transition, people are by default presumed to be “cis” until they say or do something (e.g., voice a trans identity, express gender non-conforming behavior) to denote otherwise. This point is crucial, and I shall be returning to it shortly.

Furthermore, there is no test (medical, psychological, or otherwise) to determine whether or not a person is “really trans.” The terms transgender and transsexual are experiential — individuals have an internal experience of gender that they can either try to repress, or outwardly express via being gender non-conforming, or transitioning to their identified gender, respectively.

The same can be said for a man who exhibits “tranny chaser” behavior. As I said above, first, just because a guy speaks or acts in a way that looks like “chaser” behavior, doesn’t make him a chaser. And even if he consistently behaves that way and therefore may be accurately called such a person, that doesn’t mean he will remain that way. To the degree the observer continues to refer to that person as a “chaser”, it is impossible to see evidence in his behavior that is not  “chaser”-like.

Got it?

Why am I defending men who “tranny chase”? If you think I am, then you’re missing the point.

The point is, your stories determine the reality you experience. That includes how people behave in your life experience. Giving grace to others (men, transwomen….anyone) is a overt act of countering stories which create realities we prefer not to have.

And in giving that grace, not only do you free others to be human BE-ings, which is decidedly a process rather than some fixed state, you free yourself from a limited life experience where only those things you dislike are your reality.