Tag: transamorous men

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Trans attraction and the fear of death

LOVING YOU OUT LOUD MEANS
Closeted trans attracted men’s unspoken fear

Coming out as transattracted could be equated to dying: It’s a scary thing. Like death though there’s nothing to be afraid of. Although we can understand the fear.

We’ve been told all our lives that death is a scary thing. Religions have equated death to an ultimate judgement day, where your creator and you review your life and, well….it’s harps or fires baby! Other faiths suggest nothingness, paradises and such. But despite the afterlife stories, most of us irrationally fear death. Especially the first part, usually marked by some kind of massive illness, sudden traumatic experience like an accident or other violence. That must be what lead someone to once say “It’s not death I fear. It’s the dying part that’s scary!”

Science is getting around to soothing concerns about the afterlife. We here at The Transamorous Network have known all along that death holds nothing but amazement. As an aside we wonder why there is the death penalty. For killing someone as punishment is actually sending that person somewhere far better than ordinary life experience. We shake our heads in humanity’s misperception of the experience.

But we digress.

For trans attracted men in the closet, the fear of shame of humiliation in friends and family discovering one’s attraction to transgender women can be even scarier than death. We get it: at least when you die, presumably (this isn’t accurate but let’s go with it) you no longer have to face what others think of you. But here in life experience, you do. And for sure, there are some pockets of the world where being attracted to transgender women is problematic. So coming out as transattracted can have really scary consequences.

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Nas got it right. Same applies to coming out as trans attracted – the only thing to fear, is the fear.

Or can it? Well in some places perhaps. But most of the time, experience of other transattracted men has shown that coming out is more about the fear of fear itself, rather than something akin to dying. For nearly every man we know who has owned their trans attraction then come out to friends and family has found the process surprisingly lacking drama. We think that’s because of something we harp on a lot at The Transamorous Network.

You see, people respond to unspoken communication you send out about yourself. There’s a lot of depth to this, but put plainly: people read your self-confidence…or lack thereof. If you aren’t confident in who you are and how you live, people pick up on that as mirrors of you. A mirror reflects all that you see back at you. Focus on that zit and that’s all you see. Focus on the flab…the same.

But focus on the perfection that is you, including the perfection that is your trans attraction and, oh, the mirror that is society will reflect back to you the confidence you feel when you realize there is nothing wrong or shameful about finding transwomen beautiful, other than the collective indoctrination stemming from puritanical, cultural, familial biases and prejudices. These things are always made up. They are never truth. Nor are they accurate.

So think about it man. We are approached every so often via the comments section or an email by a guy who has come into their own trans attraction, moving into transamory and we can tell you, the joy in these guys’ hearts is worth the risk – and it’s a false risk – that comes with confidently owning this important part of who you are.

There is no death. And in your trans attraction there is no shame.

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2018: No better time to feel happy

Feeling happy feels good - photo Lesly Juarez
(Photo credit: Lesly Juarez)

There’s nothing better than feeling happy. Feeling happy is the start of all you want. It’s also the end of all you want: All you do you, do because you think you’ll feel better doing it. “Feel better” means getting closer and closer to feeling happy. So why not take the shortcut?

I recently conversed with a transamorous man who recently met a transwoman. He loves transwomen (obviously) but, while he is open to transwomen about his attraction, he’s not yet out to others. In other words, he’s not living an authentic, out-loud life.

I recently also had a conversation with a married transgender woman, a beautiful person from the EU. She just recently married and, to my surprise, the family of her husband (a cis man) doesn’t know she is transgender.

Now, I’ve spoken to so many transamorous men who are living their lives out loud, I am absolutely convinced there is power, joy and freedom in living transamorously, out loud. Gone is the fear. Gone is the stress. Got is the hiding. Gone is the drama.

And you know, what you fear being discovered is actually already known by others. They may not know the specifics. But they know. You think you’re hiding your attraction, but others pick up on your insecurity. Not only that, the women you find yourself attracted to also pick on it.

Sadly enough, when you’re living in the closet about your trans attraction, insecure about what others might think or say about you, you bring into your life perfect-match transwomen: transwomen who, like you, are equally as insecure. I guess that’s not so sad because you create your reality. Meaning, you can bring into your life dream-trans-women. But to do that, you first have to come to terms with yourself.

So if only for the reason of meeting better matches, it behooves you to learn to accept who and what you are and live your life out loud. It’s 2018 for goodness sakes! The world is in upheaval in the face of the transgender movement. Now is the perfect time to declare who you are.

And let the chips fall where they may.

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The PROCESS called trans attraction

tranny chaserThe term “tranny chaser” is often thrown at men who are attracted to transgender women. Usually by the very women the men are attracted to. We talk a lot about stories here at The Transamorous Network. A story is a thought a person repeats to themselves until it becomes a belief. Beliefs are stories a person repeatedly thinks until it becomes “unconscious” – it becomes so familiar to the person, they don’t have to think about thinking about it. It just is.

When a story becomes a belief, it is very powerful. Long before that point, such stories are attracting to themselves physical phenomena – events, people, circumstances – which match the story’s content. Of course, there is evidence disproving, or not matching, the story. But the storyteller cannot see that evidence. The predominantly only see matching evidence. The more the person repeats the story, the more difficult it is to see contrary evidence. That’s why, for example, some transwomen claim they will “never” find a guy, while pointing to the mound of her failed relationships. So long as she continues to believe that story, she continues to have that life experience.

At some point a story, particularly a negative one, has so much momentum behind it, it becomes automatic or knee-jerk. For example, a woman who happens to be trans can have an experience with a guy who definitely is NOT a “tranny chaser” observe some behavior that “triggers” her “tranny chaser” story and, in no time, that story becomes active in her mind. When that happens, the guy becomes a chaser. Even if he really isn’t one.

There are, of course, plenty of transgender women who do not have such stories. So guys, you’re in luck! For those women who do have such stories, there’s little you can do to defend yourself against them. Other than, of course, changing your stories about transgender women so you don’t encounter them.

What’s fascinating about transgender women who do have this story, or any other which demeans the men naturally attracted to them, is the state of hypocrisy involved. This wonderful Medium story by Julia Serano, which I’ll refer to several times in future posts, characterizes the state of being “transgender” as a process. Serano brilliantly describes how a person who is “cis-gender” could at any time become “trans” as soon as that person decides to coincide their appearance with an already existing or emergent internal identity:

…in discussions about trans identities and trajectories, [the words “transgender” and cis-gender”] often give the false impression that “cis” and “trans” are immutable and mutually exclusive categories, when in fact they are not.

For example, there are many people out there who (at this particular moment) would describe themselves as cisgender or cissexual, but who in the future will identify as transgender or transsexual. And (in the case of those who detransition) some people who self-identify as trans today may not in the future.

In fact, when discussing matters of identity and gender transition, people are by default presumed to be “cis” until they say or do something (e.g., voice a trans identity, express gender non-conforming behavior) to denote otherwise. This point is crucial, and I shall be returning to it shortly.

Furthermore, there is no test (medical, psychological, or otherwise) to determine whether or not a person is “really trans.” The terms transgender and transsexual are experiential — individuals have an internal experience of gender that they can either try to repress, or outwardly express via being gender non-conforming, or transitioning to their identified gender, respectively.

The same can be said for a man who exhibits “tranny chaser” behavior. As I said above, first, just because a guy speaks or acts in a way that looks like “chaser” behavior, doesn’t make him a chaser. And even if he consistently behaves that way and therefore may be accurately called such a person, that doesn’t mean he will remain that way. To the degree the observer continues to refer to that person as a “chaser”, it is impossible to see evidence in his behavior that is not  “chaser”-like.

Got it?

Why am I defending men who “tranny chase”? If you think I am, then you’re missing the point.

The point is, your stories determine the reality you experience. That includes how people behave in your life experience. Giving grace to others (men, transwomen….anyone) is a overt act of countering stories which create realities we prefer not to have.

And in giving that grace, not only do you free others to be human BE-ings, which is decidedly a process rather than some fixed state, you free yourself from a limited life experience where only those things you dislike are your reality.

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Your circumstances match your stories

FullSizeRenderOk, in my last post I explained how most people’s life-experience-creation mechanism is operating on autopilot or default. Odds are good that you’re in the same boat: you don’t know much about stories and how they create your life experience. Heck, you may not even believe – let alone know – that you’re eternal or that you control your life experience.

Or maybe you do. I actually don’t now everyone who reads the stuff I write. But a LOT of people don’t. So the odds are, you’re among them.

And so you may be going through life ignorant that every time you complain about something you’re telling a story. And that story is creating circumstances which match your story. It doesn’t matter that it is something you don’t want. This is how the process works.

The good news is this mechanism comes with an indicator. We call it our emotions. Stories you tell that are not creating circumstances you want to experience cause you to feel negative emotion. Those that are leading to circumstances you’re wanting to experience cause you to feel positive emotion.

Now I want to explain what that means in terms of dating and getting what you want in that area and other areas of life experience.

If you’re telling the story that all men are chasers, it is not possible for you to meet men who aren’t.

If you’re telling yourself that your family disowned you and wants nothing to do with you, it is impossible for them to be anything other than what matches your story. In other words, they can’t change in the face of the story you’re telling about them. Yes, other people are part of your life experience and they, just like everything else in your life experience, is a result of your stories. That includes how they behave towards you.

I know, that sucks. But that’s what’s happening.

If you’re feeling shame, embarrassment, lack of confidence, insecurity, or fear as a trans person, you are telling extremely powerful negative stories, stories which are unconscious to you (you aren’t aware of them). But the feelings of shame, embarrassment, lack of confidence, insecurity, or fear you do feel are trying to alert you to them.

If you’re a trans attracted guy and feeling shame, embarrassment, lack of confidence, insecurity, or fear as a trans attracted person, you are telling extremely powerful negative stories, stories which are unconscious to you (you aren’t aware of them either). Others pick up on that shit. So they say things (like jokes and jabs) that further confirm your negative stories. They do things which indicate you are to remain feeling shame, embarrassment, lack of confidence, insecurity, or fear as a trans attracted person.

Those are just three examples of what is going on as you create your life experience as you go, and reap the benefits thereof.

So there is a purpose to suffering. What is it? It indicates the stories you’re telling are leading you to what you don’t want. Meanwhile, your life experience matches the stories you tell yourself. So there really are two indicators letting you know how you’re doing creating your reality: how you feel and what you’re getting in your life experience. If your life experience is sucky, you’re telling sucky stories.

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Creating suffering by default

IMG_0987So last week I explained that a lot of people are suffering because they don’t know two critical components of what they are: (1) that they are eternal, and (2) that they are in control of their life experience and they exercise that control through the stories they tell.

As a result of this lack of knowledge, their life-experience-creation mechanism is operating on autopilot. Rather than deliberately telling stories about experiences people want to have in their life experience, they are telling stories by default, in obliviousness, unconsciously….however you want to put it, by looking at their life experience and then complaining about it.

A complaint is a story.

So people, generally, are looking at their life experience and selecting things to complain about, more than they are looking at and selecting things to praise. An even better option would be to ignore altogether the “now” reality and focus totally (or as much as possible) on the life experience one wants to have.

If you look at the transgender community, a lot of women are complaining about their life experience. They are telling stories about situations in their life experiences that they want to be different, instead of telling stories about situations they want, and situations they have which please them. They don’t know they are telling stories and that those stories are resulting in more of what they’re telling stories about, but it doesn’t matter that they don’t know, because awareness is not a prerequisite to the mechanism working!

Next time we’re going to bring this full circle back to you and that trans attracted man you keep calling a chaser.