Self improvement - The Transamorous Network

September 28, 2021August 25, 2021

How Bike Flats Can Lead To Great, Happy Results

I love telling positive stories. They feel so good. And they create experiences the prove telling positive stories works.

This morning proves that assertion in abundance. It looks like coincidence to the uninitiated eye. But to people who know stories create reality, what happened happened because that’s what happens when a person finds their grace and worthiness.

In other words, when a person tells positive stories, they also find they stand at the center of the Universe. From there, life’s an adventure.

I love sharing this story. I know it offers inspiration for others. That’s why I started this blog: to inspire others into a new reality. One where they get everything they want, including the relationship they want.

After all, that wonderful relationship can happen exactly like what happened in this story.

A wonderful day awaited

I woke up this morning super positive. Amazing dreams, an amazing “meditation” session, and an eagerness about the day fueled my rising. As usual when I wake these days, my higher knowing, my Broader Perspective, serves me a list of things it knows will inspire me.

That list included going grocery shopping. I planned a Safeway trip today, Friday, followed by a Trader Joe’s trip Saturday. But my my Broader Perspective said “do both today”.

My calendar showing the two appointments for shopping, one Friday, one Saturday. The was prior to receiving my Inner Being guidance.

I follow such guidance more quickly and often these days. Because I know following such guidance always leads to extraordinary experiences. I write about these every week in my other blog, Positively Focused.

I don’t have a car. Instead I get around by foot or my bike. A bike ride in the cool morning air this morning sounded great. By the afternoon, Portlanders expected temperatures in the low hundreds, so I felt eager about getting these trips in early.

Safeway was easy and fun. I enjoyed a nice chat with Tammy, the checkout person who usually rings my groceries. While checking out my groceries, I shared my excitement over how much food I got for so little money, thanks to Safeway’s loyalty program. Tammy agreed laughing. I’m sure she though me crazy.

Then I rode home with my panniers full of wonderful food. When it was all either in the fridge or pantry, I realized, I forgot toilet paper I bought. Rather than disappointment about that, I felt excitement about another ride to Safeway. That’s how much I like riding my bike. 😊

Getting the toilet paper happened quick. After putting it away, I prepared for my TJ run. Little did I know, while I prepared, the day had ready awesome delights prepared.

Good and bad here, now

It was a lovely ride to TJs. Before leaving home, I sat a few moments. In those moments I told stories about how good I felt, how wonderful it is owning the bike I own, how awesome it is living where I live and how much fun the ride to TJs would be.

Then I took an alternative path just to amplify the fun. Nearly everyone I passed greeted me with a smile. Cars stopped on main streets so I could cross. A young woman walking her dog sported a lovely hat and I told her so. She smiled in return. Fellow bike riders greeted me as I passed.

Everything went in a way indicating I had aligned with all that is good. My Broader Perspective and the Universe showed me all the way to TJs evidence of my really strong positive perspective creating experiences I enjoy.

As Trader Joe’s approached, I saw a homeless person. Now in the past, when I ride by a homeless person on the way to Trader Joe’s, I have, again, in the past, worried about him going into my bike bags while I shop. So I lock my bike bags to my bike. I also leave nothing valuable in them.

This time, when I saw the homeless person, I imagined the homeless person trying to take my bags. Then he did some sort of vandalism because he couldn’t get them off my bike.

Slight insecurity accompanied that imagined scenario. That’s when I caught myself. Emotions tell me something important, I know. What was I doing? Creating a reality I didn’t want through this negative story. That’s what my emotions told me. So I dropped that imagined scenario as quickly as I could. My positive feelings returned and, for a few moments that imagined scenario disappeared.

It would return a bit later. But thankfully, not in as big a manifestation as it could have!

“Good” and “bad” exist in every universal particle, in every scenario, in every moment. I know what stories I tell about each experience shapes how much of “good” or “bad” fills my experiences. That’s why I tell as many positive stories as I can. It maximizes the former and excludes all of the latter.

Let the fun…continue?

Leaving that scenario behind, I locked my bike, went into the store, followed my intuition and got everything I wanted in about 10 minutes. I checked out and while doing so the wonderful checker greeted me with a smile and a nice little conversation.

Then, when I walked out the door I looked towards my bike. My attention went right to my rear tire. It was flat as a pancake!

For a brief second, that scenario I thought before returned. Did some homeless guy slash my tire? Slowly, I approached my bike. Again, I dropped that scenario. After all, no matter how it happened, it happened. My bike had a flat. Brooding about it wouldn’t fix my tire!

Houselessness runs rampant these days. It also triggers many people’s negative stories. Including mine. (Photo by Yawer Waani on Unsplash)

After loading the pannier with what I bought, I put them aside, then detached the tire, and opened my accessories bag. That’s when I noticed my repair kit was missing! The patch kit was there, but other tools I needed weren’t. I couldn’t repair the flat!

At that point, I stopped myself, took a breath and assessed my situation. This wasn’t what it looked like. Something brewed here, ready to be enjoyed. I didn’t know what though. Still, I know this flat wasn’t random or an accident.

So instead of jumping into action, I took a moment and reframed the situation.

“Boy, something really great is going to happen because of this,” I thought to myself. “This is going to be fun!” And I meant it!

Just then, another biker passed by riding an electric bike. Two people passed after that. Meanwhile I started putting my bike back together, figuring I would have to push my bike to a repair shop, call a Lyft or an Uber.

Bring on the wonder!

Minutes later, that electric bike rider returned. He asked me if everything was OK. I explained what happened, that I planned a walk to a repair shop. He mentioned The Bike Gallery, a major bike chain here in Portland.

Under his breath he said that if I took my bike there, and knocked on the door, the staff would let me in and fix my bike.

“I actually work there,” he added in an even lower tone.

Right then, I knew something amazing had come together. My Spidey sense told me this was the Universe unfolding a continuous stream of extremely positive outcomes in response to my chronic positive stories. That stream started from my dreams. And with this flat, that stream continued. Here’s what happened next:

The guy left, I got my bike back together, then started walking from 43rd Ave. to the Bike Gallery located on 53rd Ave. All the way I told positive stories. I enjoyed the walk. It was good exercise. I enjoyed the increasing heat on my face and body while walking. A light sweat started on my skin, which evaporated in the light, heating breeze, cooling me in the process. The weight of my panniers full of food pushed down on the flat. That made it easy to push my bike even with no air in the tire.

Two-thirds of the way to the Bike Gallery, I looked up the street and saw a biker who looked like the same guy who helped me at Trader Joe’s. When he saw me he turned my way. It was the guy.

“You walk fast,” He said, then pointed to the pannier latched to his bike. A huge manual air pump extended out of its open top. “I packed some repair tools and was coming back to rescue you,” He added. “I’ll meet you back at the store.”

The joy keeps coming

He greeted me when I arrived, then ushered me to the maintenance department. There he took my bike, disassembled it, took apart the flat tire and showed me what the problem was: the rim tape slipped causing the innertube to dip into one of the spoke dimples. That, combined with the pressure of the air in the tube, cut the tube open.

“You would not have been able to repair that.” He said. “And even if you tried with a new tube, that tube probably would’ve gotten punctured too.”

There’s my bike in the rack. The rim and tire rests against tool drawers.

Obviously, my Broader Perspective, the Universe and All That Is orchestrated this uncommon, uncanny flat tire situation. Responding the way I did, my blessed path unfolded, opening doors to a cavalcade of wonderful outcomes.

I could have got angry about the flat, railed at the sucky timing, or felt sorry for myself. Telling those negative stories would have opened different circumstances. Imagine, were I pissed, the guy who helped me may not have felt comfortable approaching me. Or maybe in my frustration I might have said something rude.

But by reframing the situation and seeing it as an adventure, the whole situation unfolded in this wonderful way. I aligned myself with those positive outcomes, which continued even while this guy repaired my tire.

While he repaired it, I noticed another bike repair guy grinning ear-to-ear while fiddling with the cash register. I felt inspired to compliment him, so I did.

“You’re having a great time,” I said. “I can tell by your smile.”

“I love what I do,” he said. “Bikes are the best.”

I agreed while noticing his name, Tim, on his name tag. While my bike got fixed, Tim and I enjoyed a great conversation. He worked at the Bike Gallery for many years and has been working on bikes all his life. This store was short-staffed, so his manager at the store where he usually works dispatched him here to help out. Imagine that! Another synchronicity!

Had that not happened, we wouldn’t have enjoyed what happened next.

The full monty brought to life

Tim said he’s lived in Portland all his life, repaired bikes all his life and feels he’s living his dream. Thus the smile. He lives in a place called Hillsboro, here in Oregon. His family lives in other local cities called Portland, Forest Grove and Salem.

He and I also talked about bicycle motocross, a passion of his, about my heroes from my bicycle motocross days when I was a child. I loved watching real motocross while growing up in Southern California too. I told Tim that and Tim told me a great story where he met one of my number one heroes of that time. Tim and I both got more excited the more we talked. Did I say it was a great conversation?

Meanwhile the guy who rescued me, whose name was Randall, replaced the original fabric rim tape with an upgraded rubber version, put the bike back together, then rolled it over to me.

“How much do I owe you?” I asked.

“Nothing,” he said. “Enjoy the rest of your day.”

That’s when I really knew this flat tire offered tremendous opportunity, which I stepped into by framing it as a positive adventure instead of a mishap. That opened the door to this awesome experience.

Think about it. The flat itself was uncommon. I couldn’t have repaired it had I tried. The universe didn’t want me too. It and my Broader Perspective wanted me to witness how much they love me by orchestrating all that unfolded. So cool!

By way of explanation, I told Randall about my blogs and how I write about these kinds of wonderful synchronicities that happen in my life all the time. Then I asked if I could take his picture. He said yes.

This is Randall and I:

Me and my guardian angel and bike repair guru, Randall (r).

Randall lives in Woodstock and rides his electric bike to The Bike Gallery every day unless work demands something different.

Something different and delightful always awaits one who tells positive stories. Nothing happens by accident. Everything happens on purpose. Positive stories brings that purpose into focus. The purpose everything means to give us is joyful recognition that the Universe is always on our side.

But if one doesn’t line up with that love, that joyful acknowledgment of this joyful purpose, they get struggle, pain, disappointment and more.

I prefer joy, love and happy results. So I do everything I can to foster and amplify those results. It’s easy, once I got the hang of it. As a result of that, even an unfixable bike flat serves up a great big heaping pile of joyful experience.

A joyful life. There’s nothing better.

September 7, 2021July 23, 2021

How Perfect Manifestation Makes For Great Results

It’s fun watching how my desires fulfill themselves. Even desires I want at one time, but then expand out of. These too still become my reality, whether I want them or not. When this happens, it proves what we talk about at The Transamorous Network.

Through such proof I also learn how to refine my story telling practice. That way I create more reality consistent with my desire. What happened recently offers a perfect example.

A couple years ago after my marriage ended in divorce, I needed a job. I manifested the perfect job immediately, with no effort, in perfect timing. That job set me up to never work a job again. (Links go to my sister site Positively Focused)

While working at that company though, I briefly aspired to management. At the time I saw pretty great potential in moving up the ranks, potentially rising quickly as that company grew.

But those thoughts came from old stories. Stories most people tell about what “success” looks like. In those stories, “career success”, “corporate success”, rising through the ranks and a big salary means success.

That kind of success though tends to cost a lot. One’s life balance, freedom, passions and authentic self-expression usually get squelched in such opportunities. I should know. I enjoyed just such success at a major utility and a high tech company spanning over 20 years. Both careers took their toll.

I’m glad I’m past that.

Be careful what you ask for…you might get it

Still, while at that big company, I got caught up in old beliefs. Other beliefs in that constellation had me doubt what I now no longer doubt. Those other beliefs told me pursuing my passions was scary, hard and hardly anyone succeeded doing that.

So one day, while doing my job, I told myself a story. I thought about how cool it would be to transition into management at this company. In telling that story, I created a future reality where the company invited me to apply for a position that opened doors to future operational leadership.

Then I forgot all about it. I didn’t “try” to “make it happen”. In fact until what happened next happened, I forgot all about that future reality.

That’s because during the ensuing short months at that company, several other desires fulfilled themselves. Those opened doors to where I am now, not working and instead pursuing my passions and allowing my Charmed Life.

Here’s what happened.

If it’s not a “hell yes!”

The other day I got an email. It came from a recruiter working at the company where I worked. The email offered me an operational leadership position. The position offered exactly what I wanted: open doors to greater leadership.

The email specifically said “this role is a stepping stone into operational leadership”!

At first, the email sounded interesting. But the more I thought about it, the less intriguing the opportunity felt.

“Why?” You may ask. “You manifested exactly what you wanted!”

True, I wanted that…a few years ago. Now, life and my desires changed. The opportunity sounded interesting. But interesting isn’t enough. I know if an opportunity doesn’t feel like a “Hell Yes”, it’s a “Hell no!”, no matter how good it sounds.

The real opportunity…

Given where I am, I wrote the sender telling him I wasn’t interested for several reasons. Then I thought about this experience and saw the gold in it.

I thought about the mechanics of this manifestation, what I did, or more important, what I didn’t do, and how it unfolded. Here’s what I saw:

I created the desire our of my then, now, the told the story of that desire
The desire felt exciting at the time and I had sincere interest in it.
Then, I totally forgot about it. I didn’t stew on it, I didn’t do any processes to amplify the desire or the fulfillment, I used no affirmations. I let it go.
This is important: Fulfillment took a while. During that time I felt no impatience about getting anywhere, which allowed me to relax and let things unfold.
As a result of all the above, the story manifested into a reality, with me not doing anything to “make it happen”.

This result typifies what I’d call perfect manifestation technique. No focus on “when” or “how”. No trying to make it happen. Total surrender and…fulfillment…with no effort on my part.

This manifestation also lets me know just because a manifestation fulfills itself doesn’t mean I need to step into it. Manifestations represent sign posts along my unfolding path to expansion, which has no end.

That means I face continual streams of unfolding desires, some I’ll embrace, others I’ll pass by.

Today far more interesting unfolding desires keep me excited about my now and the future. I enjoy watching all desires unfold though, whether I embrace them or not, knowing they all come with teachings which make me a better, deliberate creator.

August 31, 2021July 23, 2021

How Positive Stories Make Happy Days Even Better

Everything and everyone enjoys a oneness which, when telling positive stories, gets confirmed in delightful ways. Tuning ones self through positive storytelling practices, more such delights reveal themselves.

I like when this happens. It confirms what I know. The more it happens, the more confirmation I get. This blog celebrates such confirmations. Sharing what I know amplifies my awareness. It heightens my sensitivity. So I see more such experiences. More such experiences creates positive realities we talk about at The Transamorous Network.

Since I practice what we teach, my life includes many examples proving that statement. It includes so many examples, I find life joyful and I find me deserving. In that deservedness, I relax into grace. In that grace, life gets really good.

Because in grace, in that relaxing perspective, I see my desires fulfill themselves. I walk in perpetual bliss, knowing all works out in my eternity. Standing in that, evidence of my blessedness reveals itself to me near constantly.

One way that happens involves examples proving we all are one. They happen all the time in everyone’s life. But often, they get called coincidence. They show up and people feel them. But they pass them off, ignore them, or see them, but disregard the message. That’s why so many lives fall short of people’s expectations.

Virtuous upward spiral of great good

All That Is shows itself in billions of little things. Little happenings people ignore in their busy, nose-to-the-grindstone lives. But when someone stops and focuses on such little things, they begin something wonderful.

In giving attention to them, they exalt them for the joyful All That Is expression they represent. In that exaltation they open themselves to bigger things.

Before long, what they want starts showing up too. Fulfilled desires show themselves and their recipients understand their worthiness. That’s why recognizing these little things carries such weight.

In their acknowledgment sparks the virtuous spiral leading not only to self-fulfilling desires, but to joyful lives.

So every chance I get I exalt these little happenings for what they are: gracious, loving expressions created by All That Is just for me.

Two examples back to back

Two such happenings showed themselves in the same day recently. On Thursdays in summer, when days fill with warm temperatures, clear, blue skies and most people confine themselves in temperature-controlled offices, I ride my bike to the beach.

There I set up a shelter, blanket and chair. I take my computer, phone, creature comforts such as water and food and a good read with me. Typically I spend nearly all day there, marveling at my leisure life and earth’s abundant beauty.

One Thursday I invited a friend. She owns no bike so we agreed she’d meet me there. Knowing we’d need more water, I asked if she’d swing by my place and grab an extra bottle I left on the porch just before I started my bike journey. She said yes.

The ride to the beach I enjoy includes a 14 mile one-way trek. Sometimes I take potty breaks along the way. Especially if I’ve had a lot of water. So nothing unusual occurred to me when I pulled up to a port-a-potty in a park about a quarter of the way to the beach. I rested my bike on the port-a-potty’s back wall, went inside and did my business.

Me mugging for the camera in front of the port-a-potty I just used.

While exiting the John, I got an impulse. It said at that moment “text your housemates. Let them know why a bottle of water is on the porch.”

All That Is coordinates just for me

So I did so. I texted my housemates, told them about the bottle and got ready to continue my ride.

But one of my housemates texted back immediately. Here’s a screen shot of my text and what she wrote in reply. Then my acknowledgment of what happened.

A housemate and I communicating in synch with the Universe and me celebrating that oneness.

My housemate didn’t catch what I saw. Or maybe she ignored how significant the experience was. I didn’t ignore it, obviously. Instead, I reveled in it because I knew All That Is, my Inner Being and the Universe coordinated that exchange just for me.

I do love it when such things happen. Every time they do, I amplify the experience by acknowledging it, celebrating it and then replaying the experience over and over. That way, I prepare myself for future such experiences.

Which is exactly what happened later that day.

More blessedness evidence

I enjoyed my day with my friend at the beach. We talked about our spiritual practices and watched Osprey play in the sky. She got sunburned. I got to eat her fruit. She brought more than she could eat but we had plenty of water. 😊

My bike ride home left me happy and well-exercised. Summer days last well into the evening, so when I got home at around 9 p.m., the sun hung low in the sky. As it set and time to button up the house approached, I got the impulse to do something one of my housemates typically does.

Each evening we close up part of the house so we aren’t disturbed by people using that room. It requires closing the doors to that room.

My impulse said “go upstairs and close the doors.”

I typically, but not always, follow my impulses immediately and encourage my clients do the same as well. Doing that puts one in synch with the reason one gets an impulse. That way one rendezvous with manifestations coordinated on one’s behalf. The Universe blesses all of us all day, every day this way. That’s why tuning one’s self to hear impulses carries so much importance.

After all, if you can’t hear the impulse to act, how can you follow it?

A second awesome outcome

My room takes up half the basement space. I started walking through the other part of the basement and up the stairs when a message notification pinged on my phone. I checked the phone. Nick, another of my housemates sent a text. Here’s our exchange:

I didn’t text back my excitement at receiving Nick’s text. But I recognized the synchronicity. I received an impulse moments before he texted what he was unable to do. You can bet I was excited. Two times in the same day! Awesome!

If we let it in, we will see the universe constantly shows us how it loves us, has its gaze upon us and wants us to know that. It always communicates how blessed we are.

But if we don’t let it in, such evidence goes unnoticed. Or acknowledged as coincidence, something far less grand than what’s actually happening.

Telling positive stories tunes me in so I see these events as they are: beautiful evidence of my blessedness. More such events happen these days, showing me I’m riding that upward spiral to more and greater outcomes. Outcomes aligned with my fulfilling desire. Including meeting that romantic partner I’m becoming a match to.

I’m excited for more evidence that I’m at one with All That Is.

July 27, 2021June 11, 2021

30 Questions To Get Good Love, Happy and Joy

At The Transamorous Network we show people how telling positive stories creates lives in which everything they want comes to them easy.

Tell enough positive stories and obvious evidence proves this true. That’s why we guarantee results. In time, something else happens. Clients see how easy life gets. They realize how inherently good the world is. They also realize how inherently good people are.

When they get there, life gets really fun. Until then, getting what they want, including love seems impossible. That’s why so many try (and often fail) getting what they want through action alone.

A 30 question test offers great insight

A friend recently created the following list. It offers 30 questions. Each question, when answered, tells readers where they stand.

The more questions answered incorrectly, the more getting what one wants feels hard. The questions, therefore offer tremendous insight. Not knowing these answers, you can’t know in which direction one’s fulfilled desires exist, nor can you know where you are relative to them.

Don’t worry, I’m going to give the answers. Answering the questions right or wrong isn’t where power exists. Power exists in knowing what to do when you answer a question wrong.

So here is the answer: yes

If a person can’t emphatically say yes to every question below, then a gap exists between what that person wants and what they’re getting. It’s that easy.

A transgender woman creating more of what she doesn’t want by reinforcing beliefs contradicting what she wants.

The power of belief shapes reality

A simple yes is not enough though. Desires fulfill themselves when one knows the answers are “yes”, not just agrees that they are.

Knowing, believing and thinking are distinct states. Everyone thinks. That’s the default. Think long enough about something and reality will prove that thought true. That’s why when a transgender woman thinks “all men are chasers” every man who approaches them turns out that way.

Seeing this evidence, the transgender woman reinforces her thought that “all men are chasers”. In time that thought becomes “true”. That’s why many transgender women think all men are chasers. This is true only for transgender women who think this.

With enough evidence, a transgender woman will believe what they think. Why wouldn’t they? Reality “proved” what they think. So the thought “all men are chasers” becomes a belief as more and more evidence proving the thought shows up.

In time, that thought, now a belief, recedes in the background. Evidence replaces “belief” and the “belief” becomes “reality”. At that point, the transgender woman knows all men are chasers. Also at that point, it’s very hard convincing her otherwise. Why? Because her reality matches her belief.

Chicken or egg. Which came first?

But she had the belief first. And before that, the thought. These created the reality. It’s never the other way around.

The fact that so many transgender women know all men are chasers proves what’s written here works. Although transgender women who believe this will deny that’s how they came to believe it.

Turning that reality where all men are chasers into a reality where “I get to have my man and eat him too!” takes some time. More than that though, a transgender woman (and a trans-attracted man) can not only have the lover she wants, she also can have EVERYTHING else she wants.

Having everything though requires knowing the answer to every question below is “yes”. So knowing “yes” as the answer requires seeing evidence everywhere. That’s why simple agreement isn’t enough.

These questions will challenge many beliefs. They also challenge many people’s realities. That’s because so many people have beliefs creating realities demanding these questions be answered with resounding NOs.

Until a person understands their reality springs from their beliefs, not the other way around, answering “yes” is impossible.

A trans-attracted man finding his center and thereby starting to create realities consistent with what he wants.

Joy starts with yes!

The joy inherent in knowing the answer is “yes” is what life is all about. Living lives of fulfilled desires is life’s purpose. That’s why when you’re having sex and loving it, you’re not screaming NO NO NO! You’re screaming YES, YES, YES! 😂😊🤣

So here are the questions:

Does abundance in all things exist?
Does well-being flow through all things?
Is evil an illusion?
Is scarcity an illusion?
Is control an illusion?
Do all circumstances work out for good?
Are negative beliefs a catalyst for positive growth?
Does everyone want a better reality?
Do we create our own reality?
Is everyone free?
Is progress an inevitability?
Can everyone have what they want?
Are all paradoxes resolvable?
Are the specific values of the individual aligned with the general values of the collective?
Are all conflicts illusory?
Is every perspective valid?
Is every perspective valuable?
Are humans inherently good?
Can humans be trusted?
Do humans want to be free from control/manipulation?
Do humans want well-being for themselves and for others?
Is humanity currently headed in a positive direction?
Do people want to live by their intrinsic motivations?
Do intrinsic motivations always lead to good things?
Is it okay to give up on something?
Does everyone have good intentions?
Can efficient and effective organizing structures emerge organically?
Does everything evolve?
Can “bad ideas” turn into “good ideas”?
Is it inevitable that every “bad idea” evolves into a “good idea” given enough allowance for intuitive inspiration?

Belief confrontations suck

If you’re having trouble, you’re not alone. Most people will not answer yes every time. Likely, you experienced extreme resistance to even considering the answer as yes.

That’s called a “belief confrontaton”. Your reality is so out of whack with the question’s answer, you can’t bear thinking the answer is yes. But the answer IS yes.

You can discover bliss in human being-ness by learning to see, then living from, what’s possible when you know the right answer.

That’s what my clients find. And when they do, life gets fun.

After all, who wouldn’t want a life full of desires fulfilling themselves? That’s what everyone in a physical body knew life could be like before they came.

Yes, even transgender people.

But many get stuck once they get here. That’s because they don’t remember what they forgot, the forgetting of which is a prerequisite to arrival.

You can remember. Everyone can. Are you remembering? If you aren’t, I can help .

July 6, 2021July 6, 2021

Misgendered: A Great Opportunity For Love Not Hate

The easiest way to get someone to stop misgendering you involves loving that person when they do it. Especially when parents misgender you. Here’s why we advocate this approach at The Transamorous Network.

Parents stick to misgendering their trans kids because they think they’re right. Nearly all people think they’re right about what they think they know. Another reason they do it involves pain. They don’t want to be wrong. Being wrong feels painful.

Parents think they know more than their children do. They’re wrong, but remember, they think they’re right and being wrong feels painful. Besides, they don’t want to believe the person they love is not the person they thought the person was.

Changing in front of children is hard

Acknowledging your identity also confronts their social standing and that’s hard for old people. No one likes losing face and old people really don’t. Your parents not only must confront their own judgements, they must also face their peers’ judgments too.

That’s tough. Misgendering you let’s them live in la la land. There they’re right and they save face. That’s a lot keeping your mom and dad misgendering you.

Parents also find socially embarrassing and humiliating being judged when in public. They care a LOT about what other people think about them. For some, their whole identity depends on what others think about them. For others, their entire career depends on it.

So parents face tremendous pressure when a child declares themselves trans.

We’re not making excuses for your parents. We’re showing you how to get what you want from them: You want them to use proper pronouns and call you by the name matching who you are.

Parents, especially older ones think they know everything. Your trans status usually confronts everything they think they know. So you must be the adult. Because they can’t. They’re too triggered. (Photo by CDC on Unsplash)

But it’s all about them…not you

Notice what happens when you resist when they misgender you: They double down, refuse your wishes, disown you or you them. Why? Because they’re defending themselves, their stories and their world view. For a while, these things are more important than a relationship with you.

All that means NOTHING about you. It’s all about them. Notice too the more you push against their world view, the more they resist you. In our vernacular, here is what happens when you resist what they do.

First, you reinforce many stories you have about your parents, which sets up future repeat experiences of what you’re resisting. You know this when you feel negative when they do what you don’t like.

Second, your parents resist your resistance, which creates in their world repeat experiences too. So you both cooperate in creating new experiences just like existing ones. Experiences neither you nor them enjoys.

This is why your parents misgendering you won’t stop until you stop resisting what they do. Of course, they could stop resisting who you really are. But, ironically, you’re the adult in this case. Not your parents. So you must make the first move.

A real example speaks volumes

A transgender client asked us why her parents kept misgendering her recently. I told her exactly what you’re reading. I said because she keeps resisting when they do it.

The most recent time happened in a social event. Her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. They did it in front of everyone. My client was embarrassed because she puts a lot of weight on what other people think about her.

The next day, a relative approached my client. “I can’t believe your parents did that in front of everybody!” this relative said. “It makes me so angry when they do that! They know you’re trans, why do they keep doing it?”

When my client told me what her relative said and how angry he was, I told my client “You don’t want to be listening to this person. Hearing this person’s stories and making them your own will just create more situations between you and your parents where they will misgender you.”

“Instead,” I said. “You should love your parents. Look for everything they do to support you. Find things you like about them. Focus on those things. When they misgender you, pretend it didn’t happen!”

My client laughed at first. She didn’t understand how doing this would work.

When you push against what you don’t like you’re setting yourself up for more of what you don’t like. That creates a lot of cray-cray on all sides. Instead, find good things about where you are and watch where you are change. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Here’s why it works

It works because whatever you look at will get bigger in your life. Whatever you look at that you feel emotional about will get bigger, faster in your life. So when you keep looking at, and get angry about ANYONE who misgenders you, you’re essentially saying “Universe, give me more of this!”

I told my client this and she said she understood.

But when she came to the next session she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened.

She had a telephone conversation with her mom. While on the phone, her relative’s complaints about her mom popped up in her head. Then she heard my voice in her head telling her not to heed her relative’s stories. But she also felt the pull of that negative story about her mom.

So instead of looking for things love-worthy in her mom she followed impulses that came from her relative’s negative stories.

“Mom,” she said. “I hope you can hear me when I say this. It really hurts me when you don’t use the correct pronouns. It also hurts me when you call me by my old name. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Like a match to gasoline…

Exactly as I described above, her mom got defensive instead of listening to what my client said. She didn’t hear a word my client said. Here’s what she did hear:

You’re wrong
You’re bad
I know better than you
Do what I say!
Your values are wrong
Your beliefs are wrong

Is it any surprise what happened next? Her mom got defensive, then angry, then went into a rage. She attacked my client (remember this is a phone call). In response, my client lost her cool and attacked back.

My client’s mom had the phone on speaker and her husband (my client’s step father) also jumped in. Of course he defended his wife. That’s natural, right?

My client said she said things to her mom she regrets saying. She also said her mom said things she’s never said to my client before. The phone call happened three days ago. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Your anger at those who misgender you acts as a match to gasoline. The fire just gets hotter…until you learn the better way. That learning needn’t be as hard as it is though. *(Photo by* Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Lesson learned the hard way

My client left the conversation extremely hurt. But it was all good because she realized through that very painful experience the accuracy of how this work works.

You just cannot get what you want when you focus on what you don’t want. Focusing on what you don’t want just gives you more of that.

So if you want someone to stop misgendering you, you can’t react negatively when they do it. Instead, you must find things to appreciate about the person. When someone misgenders you, you must talk yourself out of negative reactions. Then find positive things to say that cause you to feel good.

Until you do, until you learn to master your emotional responses to events, you just keep getting more practice. Practice which looks like people misgendering you!

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But try it. You’ll find in short order that those who refuse to accept who you are will change. Then you’ve mastered your happiness.

It will take longer for loved ones only because you’ve got persistent stories about them, about how they are, and you think you’re right about that. But even persistent beliefs can change.

And when your beliefs change, everything else does too.