Every once in a while, a cis woman will write us in despair. These women share “betrayal, shock and sadness” they feel after discovering their husband’s involvement with transgender women. Their discovery usually comes “by accident”, which is why such women express so much shock.
Such a message came our way in the comments section recently:
My husband is trans attracted. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband.
His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. Iām completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.
Many trans-attracted men wind up married to cis women. That’s because the shame and self loathing they feel about who and what they are has them repress what they want. In exchange, they go for what society tells them they “should” want.
Acceptance is hard
But the price they pay is far too great. Not only do they set themselves up for pain later on, they also, potentially, set up their partners and perhaps children. I totally understand their choices though. I married two cis women. The first I married totally oblivious to my trans attraction. The second marriage I walked into with my eyes open. It wasn’t about love. It was about giving the girl I married what she wanted. She knew about my trans attraction.
So I understand when men like me choose a cis woman over a transgender one. They don’t know what they’re missing when they do that. And, in my opinion, trans attraction will not suffer compromise. Soon or later, it will express itself. That’s why more and more cis women speak of betrayal and shock when they discover their husband “fucking trannies”.
Accepting our trans attraction can be a fraught-filled path. We face potential ridicule from friends, ostracism from family and potentially debilitating self-condemnation. As if that weren’t enough, men like us also often face humiliation, ostracism and ridicule from targets of our affection: the very women we find ourselves irresistibly attracted to.
So I don’t blame guys like me who try resisting their trans attraction. As I said though, that comes at a cost. The most expensive cost is lack of self acceptance.
When guys like us don’t embrace our natural, normal attraction, we give off insecurity vibes. Those vibes attract transgender women who are matches to that. Which is why men like me struggle with their attraction. They wonder why they keep meeting less-than-desirable trans girls. Trans girls who reject them.
Self loathing masked as attacking men
Getting rejected by trans girls, while common, needn’t be any trans-attracted guy’s experience. But it will be if guys don’t accept themselves. When they do though, their entire dating experience will change.
The same happens, of course for transgender women.
Transgender women who don’t accept their trans-ness can’t abide by a guy who finds them attractive, in part, because they’re trans. Some trans girls agree with society. They think they are somehow “a mistake” or “born in the wrong body”. They can’t accept and embrace the fact that they chose this path as does every trans-attracted person.
Why anyone would choose transamory or being transgender is easy to answer, but it’s beyond the scope of this post. The point is, when a transgender woman calls a trans-attracted person a “tranny chaser”, “chaser” or some other derogatory term, they’re essentially saying “my status as a transgender person isn’t valid. So if you’re wanting me for that reason, you must be a freak, a fetishizer, fiend, or abnormal.”
We don’t call men who chase vagina “chasers”. We accept their behavior as “normal”. But what is normal? And is normal something someone really should strive for?
I don’t think so.
It’s better embracing one’s trans-ness as well as one’s trans-attraction. Men go through a “hyper” stage wherein they try fucking as many vaginas as possible. Girls go through their own process, but society makes it bad and wrong to express that overtly, so women don’t talk about it, or express it as directly as guys.
Many transgender women go through similar experiences. They seek out as much dick as they can. In other words, they’re exploring themselves.
We’re a match to what we get
Trans-attracted men go through similar stages. If a trans woman doesn’t want to meet such men, who are going through a period of radical self-exploration, they need to up their story game. They must tell different stories about a number of subjects. Stories about themselves, about dating, about men and about relationships to name a few of many.
Diana TourjeĆ©, a journalist who happens to be transgender wrote an interesting article about cis women discovering their partners’ transamory. In it, she gives her own take on this perspective.
This is the danger in stereotyping all trans amorous men as chasers. Many are just discovering their sexuality, or finally want to be honest about who they are. They may well be living with severe anxiety or depression due to their reasonable fear. So the outright rejection of all men expressly interested in trans women ultimately alienates whatever number of trans amorous men are capable of, or actively are trying to overcome that fear. [These men] are an example of people who desire an authentic, fulfilling connection with trans women; rejecting them has only caused harm.
I agree. TourjeĆ© goes on to say many people, including transgender women, hold flawed and harmful ideas. These ideas say anyone who loves transgender women is abnormal. And that’s as harmful as thinking that transgender women themselves are abnormal. For if trans-attraction is abnormal, what does that make transgender women?
It’s a question every transgender woman might want to ask themselves the next time they want call some guy interested in them a “chaser”.
Good advice for cis women
As for cis women married to trans-attracted men, I think we’re going to see many more such women suffering shocking surprises. The more society leans toward accepting transgender people, more men will cast off their shame. I think that’s a good thing.
Women married to trans-attracted men are settling. As much as a shock as it might feel, if such women really look at their relationship with their trans-attracted husbands, they will discover clues existed throughout their relationship.
It’s hard to see the signs the universe shows one when one is on the wrong path. Often, such signs only become clear in the rear-view mirror. I would suggest to such women that the end of their marriage, rather than being the worst thing that ever happened, could become the exact opposite.
It could become an inflection point leading to a more genuine and authentic relationship containing more of what the woman wants. And when that happens, doesn’t that mean the ending of the marriage was actually a good thing?
I think so. Life tends to work out. Life is more fun when seen from that lens and lived with that expectation. Telling positive stories about life helps build such perspectives. Want to know more?
