TL;DR: The author shares Martha’s story—a cis woman and her trans-attracted partner—to show how even relationships that seem doomed can serve deep personal and spiritual expansion.
Martha came to The Transamorous Network in despair. A cisgender woman living on the East Coast, she’s surrounded by LGBTQ friends, including several transgender women. Yet despite being open-minded, supportive, and caring, she found herself in a painful emotional knot.
At 37, Martha is divorcing her husband, raising a teenager, and struggling to find her footing financially. Her marriage ended after discovering her husband had been having sex with her while she slept—behavior she rightly identified as sexual abuse. That experience left her shaken, confused, and feeling powerless.
In the midst of this upheaval, she met “Jack,” a senior construction manager. For the last three years, Jack has provided emotional and financial stability. He’s been her partner through the divorce and a source of companionship when she’s felt most alone. But there’s a catch: Martha recently discovered that Jack has been secretly reaching out to transgender women in her local community.
A Painful Discovery and a Familiar Pattern
Through her transgender friends, Martha saw messages between Jack and several trans women. These communications made it clear that Jack has a long-standing attraction to trans women—something he denied when confronted. He admitted only to occasionally “indulging” when drunk, describing it as a taboo thrill.
Martha’s trans friends warned her that men like Jack rarely change, and that the relationship would end in heartbreak. Deep down, she agreed. Her intuition told her the same thing. Still, she couldn’t bring herself to leave. Financially, she’s dependent on him. Emotionally, she feels connected.
It’s easy to assume this is a story about betrayal or weakness, but what’s really happening here is something deeper. Martha and Jack are a perfect match—not because they’re soulmates in the romantic sense, but because they share the same vibrational patterns of uncertainty and self-worth. Each is reflecting the other’s negative belief-momentum.
Jack fears being authentic about his trans-attraction. Martha fears standing on her own. Both are learning through this relationship what it means to accept themselves.
When Love Isn’t Love (Yet)
During our conversation, I gently told Martha something she hadn’t considered: she doesn’t truly love Jack. She cares for him, yes. But real love is unconditional. It doesn’t depend on whether the other person changes, stays, or behaves the way we want.
If Martha loved Jack in the truest sense, she would love all of him—including his trans-attraction. That doesn’t mean she should tolerate dishonesty or abandon her boundaries. It means love, as a state of being, is unconditional.
The painful irony is that what she calls “love” is really fear—fear of being alone, fear of financial instability, fear of what her future might look like without him. She says she wants to stay because she loves him, but what keeps her there is insecurity. And that insecurity perfectly mirrors Jack’s. He stays in hiding because he, too, is afraid—of judgment, of rejection, of what his attraction says about him.
Their relationship isn’t broken. It’s perfectly designed to help them both face themselves.
Martha’s relationship with Jack can benefit both…even as it doesn’t last. And the two can depart in love.
Every Relationship Is a Stepping Stone
Most people think relationships are supposed to last forever, and when they don’t, something must have gone wrong. But from a spiritual perspective, that’s not how relationships work. Every connection serves a purpose. Some are long-term, some brief, but all are stepping stones toward greater clarity and self-understanding.
Martha and Jack’s relationship may never become the romantic ideal she wants. Yet, it’s still valuable. Jack provides the stability that allows her to rediscover her sense of worth and capability. Martha provides the compassion and safety Jack needs to begin accepting his authentic self as a trans-attracted man.
When both partners understand this higher purpose, even a relationship that ends can end beautifully—with gratitude, not resentment. That’s the gift of awareness.
So often we define success in relationships by longevity. But success isn’t measured in years together—it’s measured in how much both people grow into joy while they’re together.
When Letting Go Is the Loving Thing
Martha’s intuition is already telling her what’s coming. She knows Jack will eventually pursue a trans woman openly. She can sense that her time with him has an expiration date. And yet, she also senses that she’s not quite ready to walk away.
That’s okay. She doesn’t need to rush. What matters most is that she uses this time to rediscover her independence—to see herself not as a victim of circumstance but as a deliberate creator of her life.
If she can find her footing, she’ll eventually release Jack in peace, appreciating how much this relationship taught her about love, fear, and authenticity. She’ll also leave space for Jack to step fully into his truth—something every trans-attracted man must eventually do if he wants to live joyfully and honestly.
A New Way to See Your Relationship
Maybe you see yourself in Martha or Jack. Maybe you’re in a relationship that feels like it’s going nowhere, or one that feels painful but hard to leave. You might think the only solutions are to stay and suffer, or to leave and start over. But there’s another option: to see your relationship for what it really is—a co-creative opportunity for growth.
When we shift our perspective, we reconnect with our empowerment. We stop labeling the relationship as “failing” and start appreciating it for what it’s showing us about ourselves. That shift alone can bring relief, expansion, and, sometimes, a completely unexpected renewal of love.
Whether our relationship continues or ends, our expansion is guaranteed—if we let it be.
Conclusion: The Gift Hidden in Every Relationship
Martha’s story isn’t tragic. It’s beautiful. Beneath the pain lies a perfect design—two people reflecting each other’s unmet needs so they can find wholeness.
Every relationship, no matter how temporary or turbulent, offers the same opportunity. The question is whether we can see it.
If you’re in a relationship that feels stuck or doomed, don’t despair. You might not need to end it—you might only need to see it differently.
When you’re ready to discover what your relationship is really trying to show you, schedule a free 30-minute 1:1 session at The Transamorous Network. You may find that what looks like an ending is actually your next beginning.
TL;DR: To my surprise, The Transamorous Network remains relevant as trans-attracted men and their partners continue reaching out in search of understanding. Addressing shame, scarcity, and authenticity, this post offers guidance to a cis-woman who is married to a DL trans-attracted man on navigating her husband’s cheating.
Alright. I thought I was finished writing posts for this blog. While cleaning up the back-end, however, I noticed several messages people sent me that I hadn’t received. That was my bad that I missed these messages. I hadn’t correctly set up my contact form. So the messages weren’t forwarded to my inbox.
The majority of these messages were from trans-attracted men questioning themselves AND, no surprise, wives of trans-attracted men. The latter group wrote to me expressing various reactions to discovering their men’s interests. And all of them asked my feedback.
So, it seems, there’s still an interest in The Transamorous Network.
I also got an interesting response through the feedback form I wasn’t expecting. That I’ll share at the end of this post.
Suffice it to say, I’ll keep this site up because, judging from these past comments, people are still looking for information on what it means to be trans-attracted, what it means to be transamorous and what to do when they find out their spouses are one of those two.
The Transamorous Network remains a great resource for those people IOW.
I probably won’t write every week, but I will continue posting from time to time. For now, I want to share one request I got through the contact form because it speaks to many of the others I got. Then I’ll share that other comment I mentioned.
Here we go!
Another cheating trans-attracted husband
The person writing is married. She caught her husband cheating with a trans woman. No surprise there. Many trans-attracted men don’t realize their trans-attraction until after marrying a cis-woman. I’ll spare a further preamble and get to what she wrote:
Hi, I am not good at writing so please forgive me. I just recently found out my husband has been sleeping with [trans] women, I believe he has an attraction towards trans women. He did tell me about one of his encounters and I am just very curious. I am not judging him, if that’s what he likes then that’s ok. The thing for me is the cheating in general, I understand feeling scared, nervous and ashamed. The thing for me is the lying and not giving me the opportunity to make my owns decisions. Even though he has an attraction , I really don’t think I want to be with someone who cheats in general. I also told him I am ok with whatever decision he chooses but he can’t seem to let me go in this process . We have two beautiful boys together and I just want everyone to be happy! Thank you for letting me share, any insight would be helpful. Thanks again, “Melody” [I changed her name to protect her privacy].
This is quite a common story. Many trans-attracted men also have a scarcity problem on the subject of the availability of trans women. Trans women have the same thing going on about men, which is often why they compromise and end up with women. Both parties believe they won’t be able to find a partner aligned with their desires.
He’s clinging hard
The problem with that is, if we believe that the kind of person we want is rare, that’s what we’re going to experience. And so, in this case, the guy is clinging hard to his current relationship. He just can’t see the very real possibility that he can find a trans woman who will, actually, fit him better than his wife.
To keep this short, here’s how I responded. Perhaps another woman in the same boat as “Melody” can benefit from it.
If your husband is sleeping with trans women, he for sure he is attracted to them. It’s a good sign you’re not judging him for that. And, it’s a really good sign that you’re recognizing that lying is not something you should stand for about ANYTHING in a marriage.
I really appreciate that you understand he is likely struggling and so he’s scared and shamed about what he’s feeling. I would wonder, however, if I were in your shoes, what is it about your marriage, or you, or him or all of those, that has him unwilling to be authentic about who/what he is. That’s something to really explore, not because it’s your fault, but because growth opportunities exist for both of you in that exploration. So it would be good for him to look at that too.
Now, as for the cheating specifically. You sound like a smart person. So I’m sure you can understand that the cheating itself isn’t the problem. It’s the motivation for cheating that is the problem. This goes back to what I wrote in the paragraph above.
Like, what is it about him that has him not being authentic about who he is?
Certainly whatever that is also plays a role in him not being able to let you go, especially if his attraction is strong, and for most trans-attracted men, that attraction is VERY strong and something that will likely not go away. He must, therefore, follow through on his attraction and fulfill what’s in store there.
I’m glad to hear you’ll be ok if he chooses that path. I would suggest your best role here is to support him in choosing that path. Your children would be way better off with him choosing this, you will be too and, of course so will he. I can explain in more detail about why your children will be better off if you’re interested.
Suffering is needless
If you’re experiencing difficulties in your marriage because you suspect your spouse is cheating with trans women, or watching trans porn, and you’d like some empowerment around the experience, feel free to contact me. I’ve figured out the contact form, so I’ll respond much faster than I have in the past.
If you’re a guy with a question about your interest in trans women, you can reach out too. Many men like you, like the guy in this marriage, are suffering needlessly. Shame tells you you’re putting others’ opinions above your own. That’s a recipe for problems. Let’s fix that.
Finally, here’s another message I got I want to share. It comes from a trans woman who has followed The Transamorous Network for some time. She lives in Thailand, I believe. When I stopped writing for this blog, I said that if it helped just one trans woman accept who and what she is, then the blog has done it’s job.
Actually, in response to my (previously) final post, several trans woman wrote to tell me how much the blog helped them. The following comes from the most recent trans woman expressing appreciation. It’s long, but worth it, as it shows how much this blog has helped people. I’m sharing excerpts of the full message:
An ode of appreciation
….What I really want to get to is Thank You! I have been following you for 15 months now and I believe I have read most of your articles…15 months ago I was doing a deep dive into [my own self transformation]… I was a cis-het-white guy for 52 years, trained, culled, forced and assimilated into the systems of control and oppression. There… came the crux, the clarity, the guidance of a Higher Power of an opportunity of a radical shift. Today I see it as the most incredible opportunity…lol.
At the time it was a curse of the most epic kind. My 2nd wife [and I] co-discovered the systems we were deeply embedded in. We also discovered that after 18 years in marriage we had gotten to a place where we could no longer support each others needs and it was time to decouple. And there was a discovery that she was a lesbian and much to my surprise … I am trans-femme…
I also discovered that the tremendous childhood trauma I had survived was affecting me greatly every day. The 3 aspects of – ending an 18 year marriage, I was trans and I carried tremendous trauma into all things was brutal (and with todays perspective…absolutely necessary). Any movement forward in transness brought up trauma. I really dove into my programs of AA and ACA, got new sponsors that were aligned with my new identity discovery and a really really good therapist. I kept all 3 very busy as I dove into the work with both feet as I was not going to survive this event if I didn’t. In essence, It was the gift of desperation. Do the work or die…
In my recent EMDR work I discovered I have been this way for lifetimes. It has taken over 15 months of OMG intensive work, I have hit a milestone in my work. I am ready to date.
Your articles over the last 15 months also combined with many of trans authors have been incredible guidance through one of the most difficult times in my life… I almost didn’t make it. The gratitude therein is immense. Somewhere in your Trump article, maybe in the comments, you mentioned that if you reached one person with your message then all the rhetoric and all the time, intention and effort … was worth it. That was me…
You have been a part of the most epic journey, and I believe We are just getting started…
Self loathing of trans women
There are many – I would say the majority — trans women struggling like this person once did. This explains why they’re so hostile to trans-attracted men, and me in particular. We reflect back to them the state of their inner-self-acceptance. And they can’t bear the pain of facing that.
I started this blog to help relieve that. Obviously, some have benefitted. Trans-attracted men have too. Now, I’m curious to see who else will…I’m glad to see this trans woman found liberation from her struggle. I hope to hear from her again.
TL;DR: The author argues for trans and trans-attracted people being selfish as the way to create a happy life for themselves. They share a client’s experience in creating happiness to illustrate and support his argument.
Trans women and trans-attracted men: Let’s talk about relationships. There’s a lot to talk about here. Mainly because most of us feel relationships are one of the most, if not the most, important things. After all, we are told, we need relationships to be happy. Everything we do, need and want, it seems, comes through relationships. It is relationships with others that create community. It’s relationships through which we – supposedly – find love. Such relationships also create safety, belonging and a whole lot more.
And, if we’re honest with ourselves, relationships also offer the worst in humanity. Relationships with others are the framework through which some of humanity’s worst traits surface. Greed, conflict, psychopathy and violence all would be meaningless were it not for relationships.
So relationships aren’t all rainbows and butterflies, as the saying goes. We all know this. Just ask Israelis and the Palestinians…relationships can suck. And yet, a lot about what we seem to be – human – seems to compel us toward relationships. Especially relationships with other humans.
There’s a far more satisfying, powerful relationship, however, one through which everything we want comes. It’s so all-encompassing, we literally can’t survive without it. And when we prioritize that relationship above all else, we can live our wildest dreams.
That relationship is what I’m writing about today.
Let’s dive in.
Over all else
The relationship I’m referring to has nothing to do with a god, especially the Christian god or Jesus. But this relationship does tap into the power Christians ascribe to their god.
The trouble with this relationship, however, is it’s as plain as the nose on our faces, and yet, we invariably prioritize other relationships ahead of it. And that out-of-whack prioritization creates all the troubles we have in other relationships. That’s because that which we could enjoy a relationship with wants our undivided attention. When we give it that attention, undivided, everything else in life flows easily.
What relationship could I possibly be referring to?
The relationship with ourselves.
That’s right, there’s no better, more satisfying, more powerful relationship than the relationship with ourselves. The reason why is because everything we see “out there” in the world springs from this relationship. So when we get this relationship where it should be – as our number one priority – then everything “out there” falls in line.
It doesn’t happen in an instant. That would be magic and magic isn’t a thing. But when a person prioritizes themselves over all else, then gradually, all else reflects the improvement inherent with prioritizing a relationship with themselves over all else!
Selfishness: a virtue
That seems like circular logic, but, as I’ve written before, the Universe and All That Is functions on circular logic. All That Is exists to joyfully know itself. The paradox of that is, the more it seeks to know itself, the more of itself it creates. This process makes All That Is – and you and me – eternal. So the more All That Is seeks to know itself, it creates more of itself to know. That’s the glorious circular process often described in ancient teachings.
Now, some might argue that prioritizing one’s self over others leads to selfishness. I completely agree. But I know selfishness is not bad. In fact, it’s the best way to be. Because when one lives that way, they discover everything else, including other people, are able to take care of themselves, leaving the person free to be, enjoy and lavish their life.
Indeed, when we put ourselves first in all things, our life also improves. We stop trying to change things over which we have no control. Letting go of such tasks feels better and better. And when we feel better, the world around us reflects that better mood back to us. It reflects it in ever-improving life experiences.
So, really, we have control of all of our experience. How? Because experience reflects back to us our inner state. And when we prioritize our inner state – our relationship with ourselves – then our life experiences reflect that improved inner state.
We also feel love and other higher emotions more. That’s because when we seek to know ourselves, which is aligned with what the Universe always does, we can’t help but feel the eternal joy that is Universal consciousness.
Put it to the test
That previous section may sound like a bunch of “New Age” hooey. Especially to cynical, jaded trans women. But it’s 100 percent accurate. I can write forever about how powerful what you’re reading is. But nothing compares to evidence produced by your lived experience.
So if you’re having trouble believing this stuff, I suggest you prove to yourself how accurate it is.
So how do we prioritize the relationship with ourselves? It doesn’t seem easy when the entire outside world encourages prioritizing others over ourselves. So it takes practice. It helps to know that a “self” exists in us worthy of our undivided attention. That “self” is the “god in human form” I write about in my other blog. Discovering its existence is easy.
The best way to do that is by testing Positively Focused premises, which are summed up in the phrase “you create your reality through the stories you tell”. As a person tests these premises, they create, or manifest, experiences – people and things – that come in surprising, seemingly coincidental ways.
And when so many of such manifestations happen over and over, the person must acknowledge something other than “coincidence” is at work. That acknowledgement is just like acknowledging there is a self worthy of having a relationship with. Paradoxically, the person testing these premises, once they start seeing things happen, will want more things to happen. As more happens, they also get more bold: they want bigger things to happen.
As their desires grow in scale or magnitude, their trust grows. Their trust in themselves and in this self they are building a relationship with.
Betrayal births bitterness
Growing that relationship brings a necessary letting go of beliefs keeping us all prioritizing others over ourselves. As we let go of them, we might have to face hard-seeming choices. Often it means disregarding what others think of us. Sometimes that looks like cutting off certain people, including family members.
For example, a client recently faced having to cut off her daughter. Her daughter, the epitome of a hellion, raked the client over all kinds of emotional coals throughout their 20-year relationship. Yet, the client believed she had to be there for her daughter, despite the poor treatment, because that’s “what parents should do”.
Little did she know she created the belief “that’s what parents should do” after her parents did something the client considered unconscionable.
Throughout her youth, her parents promised her they’d save for and pay for her college. But when the client was 16, the parents reneged on their promise. Because of this the client felt her parents betrayed her. She bitterly resented their decision and that bitterness festered in her.
An angel disguised as a devil
The betrayal was personal for her. So, when she had a child out of wedlock, something she didn’t want in the first place, the client swore to “make things right” by not doing to her daughter what her parents did to her.
The problem with all of that is the Universe has an amusing way of showing us all how our bogus beliefs aren’t in our best interest. It will give us experiences reflecting our bogus beliefs right back at us. If you think all men interested in trans women are chasers, you’ll only meet that kind of guy, for example. If you believe all trans women are not passable or psycho, you’ll get that. In the client’s case, the Universe gave her a hellion daughter. And boy, did this young person torture her!
Their relationship was making the client miserable. Little did she realize, this daughter was an angel the client sent herself. The angel’s mission: to teach the client she has everything she needs within her, to stop blaming her parents, and to put herself first.
After weeks of learning to prioritize herself through what I offer, the client, after one particularly harrowing conversation with her daughter, decided to do just that. She cut her daughter off and the relief she felt was immediate. With each passing day, her relief grew.
Doubling down
Thirty days in, she was feeling great. But then, her old created reality, born of her belief “that’s what parents should do” reasserted itself. Her daughter reached out and kept reaching out. She wanted to “fix” their relationship. The client couldn’t resist. She felt pulled, by her belief, to reconnect. Which is what she did.
This kind of thing typically happens. A client will have an epiphany making their life much better. But then, old belief momentum draws them back into their old way of being, the being they left behind. Usually, when that happens, it shows the client why they would have been better off not letting that happen.
But there’s no way clients can get it wrong. For these kinds of “set backs” actually amplify their commitment to put themselves first. Which is exactly what happened with this client.
The reconnection was horrible. Nothing got “fixed”. And it reminded the client what had been absent for 30 days. It also put those past 30 days of relief, peace and ease in proper perspective. She wanted more of that. So she doubled down on cutting her daughter off.
The way to relief
Two weeks after her recommitment her husband said something remarkable over dinner.
“You seem really happy,” he told her. The client agreed, she did feel happy, happier than she had in decades. The husband credited that return to happiness to his wife cutting her daughter off. But the client knew it was primarily because she was putting herself first and that caused her to make a choice she otherwise would not have been able to do.
A week later, her husband once again noticed.
“It’s so good seeing you so happy,” he said. The client agreed. She said she was returning to the self she knew before her daughter “happened”.
Now, it’s not that the client doesn’t love her daughter. She loves her and wants the best for her. But she realizes that, to be happy, she must put herself first. And when she does that, she thrives. And as she thrives, eventually, her daughter will too. That must happen because the client’s experience and everything in it, including her daughter, reflects back to her, her inner state. Before, her daughter reflected the client’s inner turmoil. Turmoil born of expecting her parents to have put her first, when, obviously, they could not have.
Their decision not to pay for their child’s college was the right thing: they had to put themselves first. The client was making them wrong for doing what they knew was right. And so, the Universe, through her daughter, was showing the client the way to relief.
Putting ourselves first is the best way to personal happiness. (Photo by Lesly Juarez on Unsplash)
It’s all choice
And that’s the thing about realizing what comes from putting ourselves first. We realize no one is responsible for our happiness but us. And, no one can make us happy but us. Any other happiness source is fleeting, capricious and fickle. As such, such happiness sources are not in our best interest to put before the one relationship that really matters.
Meanwhile, as I mentioned before, everything in our experience improves when we do this. And so, the client’s daughter’s life must also improve, as she learns what her mother did: That she must put herself first and stop relying on her mother for her happiness…or anything else, including tuition, food and rent.
Relationships are not about people coming together, planning together, working out problems, coming up with solutions together, compromising, and investing in and extracting from each other what they need, all while claiming to love one another. Rather, each person is 100 percent responsible as a creator for creating the best version of their life.
When they do that, the whole world improves, but only for that person. In the meantime, those choosing a different life way fade out of that person’s experience. Then those reflecting the person’s new choice show up as reflections of that choice made.
This explains why so much variety in life experience exists. People are choosing, either deliberately or not, then the world reflects back to them the nature of that choice.
It’s all about unconditional love
This means, first cultivating a strong relationship with one’s self is paramount. When that happens, life reflects back to the person only the best things in life, because that’s just what happens when one puts themselves first.
Then, and only then, can a person create better versions of life AND better versions of people in their lives. They create versions of people by coming into the presence of another with their relationship with themselves so secure, that that other person has no choice but to reflect back to the creator a version of them matching what’s going on in the creator.
And when the creator achieves that, sees the person exhibiting the version of themselves the creator envisioned, and then revels in that, the manifestation of evidence of their creation, then that person being created feels that reveling as unconditional love for them. And that changes that person irreparably.
That’s why selfishness is so important. It can literally change human relationships. It does that through love, which is what ourselves have in abundance for us.
And that’s how we can influence others in the best way. “Influence” happens whether we know we’re doing it or not. Unfortunately, for most of us, we’re using that influence by recreating versions of people we don’t like, by complaining about their behavior, wishing they were someone that they’re not, or complaining in general.
Meanwhile the one relationship that empowers us to have a different experience of all we experience awaits us. That relationship is all unconditional love. And when we prioritize that relationship, we become that: Unconditional love.
TL:DR: The author asserts that vulnerability isn’t key to relationships as many mental health and relationship experts claim. Rather, it’s actually a problem, the author says, especially for trans and trans-attracted people. They then explain why it’s better to focus on one’s thoughts and beliefs in order to create better relationships. In doing so, people get everything they want: better relationships and freedom from fear that comes with trying to be vulnerable.
Vulnerability. Mental health and relationship “experts” claim it’s something special. They say it’s something we all should practice in order to thrive in relationship. But trans and trans-attracted people know being vulnerable is hard, scary and not very fun. After all, who wants to be seen as something other than what the mainstream tells is us ok?
Indeed the very act of being trans or trans-attracted demands a level of vulnerability most people needn’t face. It can literally be a life or death decision. But is vulnerability really the key to happiness, relationship success and more? Or is something afoot here that can disempower trans and trans-attracted people?
In this post, let’s explore why vulnerability is a myth and how dispelling the myth can help us live more joyfully. Along the way we may just also discover the key to everything else we want.
Why experts vaunt vulnerability
Vulnerability is both feared and praised. We fear it because it implies possible rejection. As said before, it also can lead to terrifying consequences. Then again, society praises it because we’re told to. Being vulnerable can also feel good because we’re putting ourselves out there honestly. And doing that can feel good. For most though, it’s usually terrifying. So much so, people won’t do it. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Which explains why so many trans women want to pass and trans-attracted men live on the DL.
But what is “vulnerability” exactly? The definition doesn’t seem to imply something praise-worthy:
So it would seem, based on the definition, that being vulnerable is a bad thing. So why do experts vaunt it so much? One source suggests being susceptible to physical or emotional attack or harm, increases intimacy and trust. Not being vulnerable, it says, can lead to emotional distance, disconnection and resentment.
It would seem being vulnerable then is essential to good relationships. But is that really the case?
Rejection inherent in vulnerability
The trouble with saying it improves relationships is that being vulnerable usually requires a quid-pro-quo situation. I would suggest everyone would be vulnerable in a relationship….if their partner were equally vulnerable. That’s the trouble. No one really wants to subject themselves to physical or emotional attack. It seems extremely logical to me, then, that no one wants to be vulnerable in a relationship either. Which explains why people aren’t.
But there’s something about this vulnerability thing that runs afoul of what’s really happening in physical reality. It’s that being vulnerable is based on something that isn’t happening in reality at all. Well, it IS happening. But only because people believe it’s happening. And that belief is what perpetuates fear associated with being vulnerable.
In other words, the potential consequences of vulnerability is what keeps people from being vulnerable in the first place. Replace the word “vulnerable” with a different word, however, and the whole calculus changes.
What word do we suggest? How about authenticity.
That’s right. If instead of thinking about being vulnerable, we think of being authentic, then we go a long way to easing fear that comes with being vulnerable. The problem remains however, with the essence of what both words conjure: the risk of being harmed. And in most relationship cases, that “harm” looks like “rejection.” Although for trans people and some trans-attracted men, it can be much more than that.
Still, let’s unpack this some more.
Our thoughts make it so
In order to be vulnerable, a condition must first exist. That condition is risk. In other words, the person considering being vulnerable or authentic must first believe there is something they may be rejected over. Rejection can feel bad, but a reframing of the story we tell when “rejection” is experienced can cause that bad feeling to turn into appreciation.
What if, for example, someone rejects us because we share something intimate about us? Does that mean anything? What does it mean about us? It means nothing really. We shared authentically. That person chose something else. In this situation, both parties are better off. We’re free to connect with someone who accepts us. The other party is free now to connect with someone they connect with.
Where’s the harm in that? But when we think the rejection means something about us, then we feel bad.
Now trans and trans-attracted people face a much more complicated situation. Especially trans people. That’s because they have other – legitimate – fears of actual physical harm. Those fears must also be resolved. Those fears come from valid beliefs for sure. But replacing those beliefs with other equally valid ones can be liberating.
We can see, then, it’s what we think about being vulnerable that makes it scary. We think being that way brings risk. The belief isn’t false. But better feeling beliefs aren’t either. And those better feeling beliefs can change our experience.
Our thoughts make everything. Including the need to be, and the fear of being, vulnerable.
Preferring rejection
Being vulnerable means having to take a risk. Hardly anyone wants to take risks. But if there is no risk in being authentic, if instead there’s everything to gain, I would say many more people would be that way.
Again, the problem is the thoughts people have about rejection and what they think that means.
Vulnerability then, isn’t the problem. Making it into a venerated way of being is. Because doing so makes it seem doing something we’re scared to do is something worth doing. It’s not. Instead, it’s better to develop a new set of beliefs around being so that acting authentic is preferable to not acting that way.
That’s easy to do. And it’s not scary. When we do it, the vaunted idea of being vulnerable becomes meaningless. And when that happens, we’re free; free to be who we are. Whether people take that or leave that is up to them. It’s not our problem.
So there’s nothing special about being vulnerable. And, with a little tweaking of our thoughts, we can eliminate that concept from our minds, thereby freeing us to be. Now let’s turn up the woo a bit and see what we find.
Some would rather have this happen than be vulnerable. But there’s a better approach to vulnerability. (Photo by Hasan Almasi on Unsplash)
Finding power in changed belief
Believing vulnerability is a thing presupposes there’s something that can happen to us that’s beyond our control. Usually, that something is bad. For trans people, that includes violence.
But, nothing can happen to us that is beyond our control. We invite everything that happens to us through our thoughts and beliefs. I get that’s hard for a trans person, for many people, actually, to believe. But that doesn’t make the assertion false.
If it’s true, we can see how vulnerability would be a problem. That’s because it presupposes risk. Belief that there’s risk is a belief. That belief will create reality consistent with it. That explains why so many fear being vulnerable. And rightly so. It also explains why it feels scary.
Rejection is similar. There are many thoughts and beliefs around “rejection”. Those thoughts and beliefs, like those behind “vulnerability”, create reality consistent with them. That’s why hardly anyone wants to feel rejected.
Change those beliefs though and the experience changes. This explains why very successful sales people, for example, don’t experience “no” as rejection. They think different thoughts and beliefs around the word “no”. This also proves it’s possible to change our beliefs around things like “vulnerability” and “rejection”. Doing so makes one much more powerful.
Beliefs matter…a lot
So if we invite our experience through our thoughts and beliefs about them, that means something important. It means that being vulnerable isn’t the key to anything. Instead, our thoughts and beliefs are. Indeed, thoughts and beliefs are everything. They literally create the world around us.
The better beliefs we hold, the better our life gets. My clients are discovering this. The more they change their beliefs to positive, empowering ones, the better their lives get. My experience is similar. The more I’ve changed how I think and what I believe, the more my life has improved. So much so, hardly anything “bad” happens to me. And those “bad” things that do happen are so insignificant, I don’t consider them “bad”. They just are.
In a short while, a person can create an ideal life, what I call the Charmed Life. This is true for relationships too. We don’t need to experience risk in relationship. But getting there requires something: not being vulnerable. Being vulnerable is a problem. Instead, what’s needed is a new way of thinking and believing. One that invites only good. Including good relationships, ones matching what we’re wanting.
For trans and trans-attracted people such outcomes don’t come over night. A lot of old disempowering beliefs must first be soothed before evidence of improvement really starts showing itself.
But the more true we are to who we are, the better realities we create, including relationships. So changing our beliefs is worth it. It literally will provide us everything we want.
TLDR: The author strongly suggests that Transgender women seeking a man as their partner do themselves a disservice in dismissing love from trans-attracted men. They say such men offer the most positive match to what trans women look for. By talking themselves out of persistent negative beliefs held largely by the trans community, these trans women can more easily find love in the form of trans-attracted men, thereby transforming their life and the lives of many others.
Some Transgender women rail against men who find them attractive as transgender women. They call such men “chasers”.
Meanwhile such men find transgender women irresistibly attractive, often because such women are transgender. Yes, they’re women. But there’s no denying their trans nature. And for certain men, that nature is a big part of the attraction, just as some women find men attractive initially, because they’re men.
In other words, trans-attracted men give transgender women what they want: acceptance, love and more. These are awesome, but unappreciated gifts. That’s because some, maybe even many, or most, transgender women are too wrapped up in negative self talk to see that what they want is right in front of them.
The men are no better. They also struggle with self-acceptance. And, dear transgender women, it’s lack of self-acceptance in these men that make such men act like dicks. Part of their dickish behavior stems from the fact that they…are, well, men…and thus have been bred to be dicks. Especially when seeking love and sex.
But that doesn’t tell the whole story behind dickish behavior, either.
More and more coming out trans
I described the journey of such men in this post. But in this post, I want to specify the natural and unique relationship existing between being transgender and being trans-attracted. The two offer gifts to each other. Gifts inherent in their personages.
That’s right, an inherent, powerful relationship exists between the two. That relationship is a gift. Transgender women who recognize then leverage this relationship will find finding love much easier. They’ll enjoy the process more, and help the men become better too.
This article is bound to trigger some transgender women. Especially those who don’t accept themselves as trans. If you are transgender and at all insecure and therefore emotionally unstable in your status as a transgender person, you should not read any further.
Those who enjoy emotional stability might find what they’re about to read eye-opening.
The New York Times noted that more kids than ever before have come out as trans in the last 5-10 years. Some in our society are looking to science to explain the phenomena. Others are losing their minds about the number of kids declaring autonomy over their gender expression. Even Caitlin Jenner expressed dismay over the number of children declaring themselves trans.
But is this really something to decry? Or is it something to celebrate?
Self-inflicted transphobia?
Science-based explanations will help many understand what’s happening. But such explanations do little to soothe emotional discomfort arising from knowing what one is while looking in the mirror and not seeing that. Or for feeling an attraction for something that triggers fear and self-hatred as in the case of trans-attracted men. Or at the least causes one to question their sexuality, which is what many trans-attracted men do once they realize they find trans women adorable.
This story will make a bold assertion: That the love transgender people, particularly transgender women, seek, exists in the very people they reject: in the hearts of trans-attracted men.This of course pertains only to transgender women who seek a relationship with a man.
Some transgender women may be able to live “stealth”. They may be able to “pass” 100 percent. With medical advances, these women can pass convincingly…even in bed…for most men. But for others…not so much. Still, for the women, as much as they may pass, they know they harbor a secret. And that secret is always at risk of being discovered.
Meanwhile, there are men who stand ready to accept transgender women for ALL they are. Not just their womanhood, but also their transgender nature. And the fact that some trans women try to reject this part of themselves generates the self-loathing running rampant in the transgender community. It’s not too far of a stretch to argue that many trans women are themselves transphobic.
Which brings up the subject of fetishizing. Let’s look at that next.
A match exists for everyone
Are heterosexual men fetishizing women with vaginas because they only want to be with a woman with a vagina? Certainly some men do fetishize cis women, just as some women fetishize some men. But most straight men want a vagina-equipped woman because that’s what they’re a match to. It’s what they desire.
The same holds true for trans-attracted men. In other words, transgender women and trans-attracted men share a special relationship. One similar to the relationship straight women share with straight men.
Is a straight woman fetishizing a straight man because she likes being penetrated by a straight man’s penis? Is she fetishizing him because she feels naturally attracted to penis-equipped men and only such men?
I would wager that transgender women would say “no, she’s not. She’s just wanting to have what she’s attracted to.” And I’m sure women have conversations with their friends in which they speak about the “dick” the same way trans-attracted men talk about certain trans women and their dick.
The only difference is, some trans women have a strong aversion to their dick. Not all women of course, but many do. And if you want to do away with that appendage, then great, go for it! But to make a man wrong because he wants a penis-equipped woman, just because you yourself don’t like having a penis, is projecting your self-rejection onto someone who doesn’t deserve your projection.
His desire for a penis-equipped woman is just as “right” as your desire not to be a penis-equipped woman. Get over it. Get over it and find your match. He (or she or they) is out there. For there is a match for everyone. Even chasers.
A relationships match to chasers
When I started The Transamorous Network I made an assertion. I said transgender people represent a leading edge aspect of what it means to be human. Each person entering the world as trans, therefore, enjoys world-transformative potential. Every transgender person arrives here intending that massive transformation. Enjoying that potential though, requires the trans person accepting what they are. In doing so, they can tap into enormous insight and power.
Every transgender person can achieve very high levels of success (however they define that). While enjoying that success, they also can transform the lives of everyone they meet. Including their parents. Including other trans people.
Nearly every person, however, almost immediately loses their way once born. They forget what they are. They adopt beliefs offered by other people who also lost their way. And so, transgender people, doing the same, end up resisting what they are. That resistance cuts them off from their natural insight and power. They compromise, then end up living lives far from even mediocre.
The same goes for love and relationship. Finding love happens effortlessly for transgender people who love themselves. But when such a person refuses to love themselves as they are, let alone accept what they are, they make themselves unloveable. Then, when they try finding love, they can’t find it.
You can’t find love if you aren’t a match to it. And if we don’t love ourselves, I mean deeply and fully, unconditionally love ourselves, we’re not a match to the love we seek. So when we try finding it, we end up meeting toads – aka chasers. Chasers are insecure transgender women’s relationship matches.
Trans-loving men: no different
Now let’s look at trans-attraction. No distinction between transgender and trans-attraction exists. Both kinds of people come into the world possessing humanity-changing potential.
For the trans-attracted man, nothing compares to the resonance he feels for transgender women. That’s because such men chose before coming into the world “trans-attraction” as one of many attributes or values they would express.
Like the women coming into the world as trans, such men chose to be trans-attracted before coming. They came presenting a new way of being to humanity so humanity can evolve. So humanity can fulfill its collective desire.
What collective desire?
Evolving closer and closer to unconditional love, which is the emotional state of All That Is. Trans-attracted men made the choice for personal reasons too: They want to evolve into unconditional love for themselves as well.
Trans-attracted men and transgender women, therefore, represent two sides of the same coin. Together they comprise a match literally made in heaven. Think about it:
Transgender people at some point initially feel “different” once they tap into their transness. Trans-attracted men do too when they discover how adorable trans women are.
Nearly every transgender person strives to reconcile that “difference” by self-integrating that back into wholeness. Many transgender people struggle with this however. Trans-attracted men struggle too with this self-integration. The struggle may look different, but a struggle it remains, and at its basic nature it is the same with both parties.
Most transgender people don’t accept who they are at first. Trans-attracted men don’t either. They feel shame and embarrassment. The shame gets amplified in this toxic-masculine, heterosexual-dominated global culture. Lacking support networks, as men, they struggle even more than trans women sometimes, and, again, as men, often struggle alone.
For many years, prior to the “trans boom” trans people buried this part of themselves. They refused to accept and express it or transition. While there’s greater acceptance these days allowing trans women to transition and live authentically, trans-attracted men remain afraid to live authentically. There are a LOT of trans-attracted men. But many remain in the shadows.
These similarities offer striking insights. But so do the differences…
What differences?
Trans women these days have a robust network of fellow travelers they can lean on. There’s a TON of support systems out there for them. Not so with trans-attracted men.
Trans-attracted men are where trans women were, say, 30 years ago. They are on their own. Hardly anyone is out there trying to help them. Recently, VERY FEW such men have come out to voice their attraction. Yet, the shame they live with continues to dominate.
Trans women often can compromise on relationship partners. They choose to be with a woman after trying (unsuccessfully) to find a man. They can remain with their wives, and often do, after transitioning. Trans-attracted men can do neither, unless they remain on the DL. But eventually they get found out. When that happens, their relationship is usually over.
I’m not making a comparison akin to the “Pain Olympics”. Trans people still struggle. A lot. But it’s no denying that trans-attracted men remain where trans women were 30 years ago. It doesn’t help that the very objects of a trans-attracted man’s desire (trans women) often loathe him. That leaves the trans-attracted man with no where to turn. Is it any wonder they are on the DL, pursue hookers and consume trans porn?
I don’t think so.
The connection here to me is striking. Because the satisfaction in love trans women look for (in a man) is available in trans-attracted men. But only if trans women can give up holding such men in disparagement and revulsion. The paradox of it is – and this again represents the special relationship – the love such women seek is being held at bay by the very disparagement and revulsion those same women hold!
Mistaking attraction as fetish
Transgender women yearn for love and belonging, acceptance and respect. Trans-attracted men want to love transgender women for what they are and yearn to do so. But that kind of love, belonging and acceptance doesn’t start right out of the gate.
Loving someone for who they are comes over time, as two get to know one another. The basis upon which loving someone for who they are begins first with what they are. That’s why straight men seek straight women, gay men seek gay men, etc. Why wouldn’t a transgender woman want someone who will accept them first for what they are, then, get to know them for who they are?
Because some transgender women don’t accept themselves for what they are.
Many transgender women will not acknowledge the validity of trans-attraction. That unacknowledgement reflects their own self invalidation. Many trans women call trans-attraction a “fetish”, which is ironic because by claiming one fetishizes trans women, trans women simultaneously make themselves into an object. That’s why being fetishized without consent feels so bad. It’s not that the person sees trans women as a fetish, it’s because TRANS WOMEN interpret those people’s attention as such and then reap all that comes with that interpretation. Including the bad feelings.
A trans-attracted guy, once he gets over his shame, recognizes and respects the validity of transgender women. Then he relishes and is eager to experience love consistent with what he wants: a trans girl. There’s nothing “fetish” about that. It’s no different than cis people relishing and being eager to be with other cis people.
Acknowledging the elephant
The problem is, transgender women want heterosexual cis men to accept them as heterosexual cis women. But transgender women are not “women” in that way…they are more than women. No, this isn’t about “best of both worlds” or “something extra”. Nor is it about the political spat underway about bathrooms, feminism and the like.
Some transgender women find accepting they are more than women impossible, while other transgender women, in private conversations, acknowledge “trans” as actually something BETTER than “(cis) woman”. Trans-attracted men are attracted to trans women because they are transgender. They (the men) find outstanding qualities that come with being “trans”.
What qualities? These:
Assertiveness
Strength
Power
Clarity in their desires
Straight talk about sex and sexual pleasure
Bravery
The massive struggle trans people go through to be themselves, which like heat to steel tempers them and makes their characters shine.
Most of all though, is that quality one cannot put a finger on that has to do with the special relationship between being transgender and being trans-attracted. All other things being equal, transgender women and trans-attracted men are perfect matches.
So long as either side of that match refuses to accept who and what they are, however, that match shows up as no match at all. It’s not because no match exists. It’s because one side or the other believes no match exists. And so, for that side, a match doesn’t.
Perfect matches: the rule of the day
This paradox, of invalidating a match even while it exists, isn’t exclusive to the trans community. Indeed, it’s in every human relationship. You think humans relationships are random happenings? No! There’s no coming together that isn’t divinely intended, meaning, every coming together represents a perfect match of energies, vibrations, harmonics, whatever you want to call it.
All those words may sound like woo woo to you. But Transamorous Network and Positively Focused clients are well versed in the overwhelming evidence supporting the accuracy of those words. We all draw to ourselves those who are perfect matches to us at any given moment.
That perfectly explains why a trans woman who hates attention from trans-attracted men meet so many. Especially early-stage trans-attracted “chaser” men. Examine your beliefs. If you are meeting such men, it’s not by accident. If you want to meet “better” men, you must change how you think about men, relationships, love and, most importantly, yourself.
I know many trans women think they have healthy thoughts about themselves. But that can’t be if they’re not meeting men who they believe are healthy and wholesome. That’s because every pairing up is a perfect match!
And face it: if you end up in a relationship with a man, and that man knows you’re transgender, then that guy is trans-attracted. It doesn’t matter if he’s never dated a trans woman before. If you’re trans and he accepts that you are, he’s trans-attracted.
So why resist trans-attracted men?
The perfect match
It’s not hard finding our perfect matches. They’re all around us. And every match we enter into is a perfect match. The divine, unique and special relationship between transgender and trans attraction is, that relationship offers satisfaction at levels that can knock the socks off of everyone in that relationship.
But getting into that requires some work. Especially for trans women and trans-attracted men. That’s because both parties have many beliefs keeping them at odds with what they want.
And isn’t that ironic? The very thing they want, the Universe is bringing in abundance. But both parties hold it off through their persistent beliefs that such a match is impossible.
Trans-attracted men think they’ll never find the woman who will let them love her the way he want’s to. Trans women think the love they want exists everywhere, anywhere other than in the arms of a trans-attracted guy.
No worries. People can live their whole lives and never get what they want. Compromise is overabundant in humanity. And yet, some are finding the love they want. I know several relationships that have moved on to marriage. Some are new. Others have been going on for years. That’s because they’re perfect matches reflecting the unique and special relationship between a trans-attracted man and a trans woman.
While many trans women rail against the very men who can give them the love and happiness they seek, others are finding that love and happiness in the arms of their trans-attracted partners and husbands.
Are you such a woman? I hope you are. If not, you can be.
