Category: Cis-trans relationships

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Why Scared Trans-Attracted Men Marry Cis-Women

Photo by Aarón Blanco Tejedor on Unsplash

Some transgender women and, cisgender women who find themselves married to, apparently, “straight” men, share a common frustration. That frustration shows up when a trans-attracted man posing as a straight one, avoids owning their trans attraction. Or when such men try owning it but do so poorly.

They marry a cisgender woman. Or they act in ways earning them being called “tranny chaser”.

To be honest, I don’t blame transgender and cisgender women getting pissed at trans-attracted men. Especially when those men run away from or hide their trans attraction.

I understand how infuriating it must be for cisgender women who marry men claiming to want a cisgender wife, but who also are trans-attracted. When they relent to their natural, wholesome desire for transgender women – usually behind their wives’ backs – the wives’ feeling of betrayal makes sense. Especially after many years of marriage. Especially when the men kept their trans attraction secret.

It’s a different set of reasoning, but I also can understand infuriation transgender women feel. When those same “straight” men express interest in transgender women, but then keep their attraction secret it can feel demeaning to trans women. Or when they seek only sex from transgender women while keeping the women on the side. Or when they claim they want relationships, but ghost after the first sexual encounter.

More than meets the eye

I also have compassion for the men though. I understand what they’re going through. That’s because I once was there. And I recognize how difficult it can be owning one’s trans attraction. Going against pretty much everything we’ve been taught about what it means to be a man presents challenges.

I also understand the insecurity, fear, and self hatred such men feel. Such emotions belie a lack of self-acceptance these men have. They can’t accept parts of themselves they interpret as being gay or worse. 

My compassion for such men partly spawned this website. My compassion for transgender women and what they go through fleshed out my reasoning. This site exists as a clearing. It’s designed to help both sides understand each other. And then create beautiful relationships based on that mutual understanding.

For cisgender women who end up married to trans-attracted men, only to discover much later they cannot satisfy such men, I can only offer the following. There had to be a match between who the woman was being, and who the man was being at the time they married. That match didn’t need to result in a marriage though.

But sometimes, marriage happens that way. It’s easy to ignore one’s intuition. And I’m positive these women knew something was up before they walked down the aisle. The same holds true for transgender women who meet all kinds of unsavory men.

Getting to where this guy has gotten is the struggle for many trans-attracted men.

Suppression creates deceit

Clues indicating the truth about someone always exist. No matter what their mouth says. Everyone communicates telepathically. Intuition picks up that communication. Not listening to intuition results in unsatisfying relationships.

Ultimately, what we have here are men who cannot own who they are. They fear what might happen if they own who they are. Since they can’t own who they are, they won’t tell others about it. That should be logical.

It’s exactly the same when a transgender woman first knows she’s trans. Many transgender people commit suicide before they own who they are. Others wait many, many years before they finally begin transitioning. Meanwhile, they tell no one. Until they can no longer suppress who they are.

Some of that suppression for trans-attracted men and transgender women, involve drug and alcohol use. People use such substances to numb themselves from their intuitive knowing. So deceit of others starts first with self-deceit.

It’s only recently that many transgender people own their true selves. A large part transpeople today accepting themselves comes from people before them blazing trails. Social media sites like Instagram help connect people. Such sites resolve isolation some folks feel. And the general increasing acceptance of transgender people society wide has helped.

Not loving yourself results in deceit. (Photo: Bima Mentara on Unsplash)

Revulsive behavior say the women

Such support hardly exists for trans-attracted men. As a result, we see many trans-attracted men doing what many transgender women, and transgender people in general, have done for decades. They live in silence, in secret, struggling with self-acceptance. They try to figure their shit out on the down low on their own. Often at the expense of women, both transgender and otherwise. 

In other words, these men are scared and alone. Maybe you can relate if you’re trans and reflecting on your own early experience. And in their fear, they make choices not in their best interests, nor in the best interests of those with whom they end up in a relationship. Whether those people are transgender or cisgender.

I’m not making excuses for the men’s decisions. I am telling it like it is. And it is only by excepting what is, that we can begin to move toward something resembling appreciation for how what is creates problems we see. A large part of these men’s struggle is open hostility many transgender women level towards these men.

It looks like the hostility comes AFTER receiving these guys’ behaviors. That’s not really what is happening, but so long as transgender women act as if it IS happening that way, they will feel like victims. While also victimizing – and perpetuating the experience of – men whose behavior transgender women revile.

Only after recognizing what’s really happening can we establish supportive atmospheres for cis-trans relationships that work for everyone. Such relationships can go a long way towards ending situations where cisgender women feel betrayed by a man the women should never have married.

It’s all about attitude

By normalizing trans attraction among transgender women, we can also eliminate infuriation trans women feel when they meet men living in the shadows. Such behavior belies a basic lack of self-acceptance. Transgender women could feel compassion for such behaviors as many such women suffer from the same condition and have behaved similarly. But so many transgender women point fingers at the men while ignoring their own past, or even present, self-shame or lack of self acceptance.

That’s a problem-perpetuating paradox.

Pretty much every human being has had some experience with lack of self acceptance. Trans-attracted men are no different. And in that lack of self acceptance, whether one is gay, trans, a racial minority, or what have you, lack of self acceptance is still lack of self acceptance. And lack of self acceptance, generally, generates fear, insecurity and behaviors, which come from those feelings. Behaviors, which often look like doing things one wouldn’t otherwise do if that person proudly owned who they were.

So what we see when scared trans-attracted men marry cisgender women or ghost a trans women after an initial online connection, is fear and insecurity manifested as behavior. Any transgender woman accepting that as what is, will also find themselves gradually meeting more men who are more self accepting. What we resist persists. Transgender women complaining about trans-attracted men perpetuate the phenomena they hate. Period.

That is the only way out of the infuriating experiences transgender women have with trans-attracted men. It starts with the women’s attitude.

Anger towards men, especially trans-attracted men, just perpetuates transgender women’s negative experiences with men. Want to change that transgender women? Then you gotta change your attitude. (Photo by Engin Akyurt)

Meeting her match

The fact is, plenty of trans-attracted men out there would be more than happy to date out loud and in public a transgender woman. What’s happening when transgender women meet up with scared men instead of these more confident ones? The transgender woman harbors some sort of lack of self acceptance, or harbors insecurity about themselves, their appearance maybe, which draws to them men who are equally insecure.

For example, one of my clients just today talked about stories she has, which do exactly what I’m describing. She believes she is “fat and unattractive“. That story along with several others leaves her feeling lonely and depressed. The attitude expressed in “I’m fat and unattractive” radiates like radar waves.

Usually, whenever she feels this way, she reaches out online. She tries to meet a guy that will soothe her loneliness and depression. The problem with doing that is she will inevitably attract men in similar attitudes. Not necessarily alone and depressed men, but definitely insecure ones. And insecurity, you can bet, is a close companion to loneliness and depression.

In other words, my client meets her matches. Every time. When the encounter goes south, conclusions she draws about the encounter amplify her loneliness and depression. Her conclusion always is “This aways happens.”

Of course it will always happen. And it will continue to do so long as she does nothing about her stories.

Every person creates their reality

So, if a transgender woman wants to eliminate, scared, trans-attracted men from her life, she must first create a better feeling place internally. It’s that simple.

But sometimes the simplest way is also the most difficult. Simplicity often comes after months or years of practice. Anyone studying martial arts or any other demanding sport or art will affirm that assertion.

The same is true with changing one’s beliefs. If one wants to experience a state of security, confidence and joyful life experience, one must first create those states internally. Then their life will reflect that back to them. Life will include all kinds of joyful things. Including confident, joyful, secure men.

But, as long as transgender women point fingers at men, complaining about who they’re being or how they’re being, they blame life for their experience. Meanwhile their complaining, blaming attitude creates more experiences they can complain about and blame men for. A transgender woman cannot change the kind of men she meets until she changes her internal state of being. The state of being creating the life she’s experiencing.

I get how crazy this must sound. But, after some practice, it’s quite easy to see how what I’m describing, bears fruit. And it doesn’t take very long before the evidence becomes overwhelming.

A transgender woman cannot change the kind of men she meets until she changes her internal state of being. This video explains why.

Lasting love for everyone

It’s not necessary that transgender women must experience insecure “tranny chasers”. It’s also unnecessary for trans-attracted men to feel shame, insecurity, and fear about their trans attraction. Just like transgender women, they create their experience. And so, if both the women and the men tell better stories about their experiences, their experiences will change.

This is the basis of what we share at The Transamorous Network. It is a simple process. But the simplicity of it is a practiced simplicity. After weeks of diligent practice, evidence starts piling up. Once that happens the practitioner wants more evidence. Soon mastery follows. Then life becomes the joyful experience it can be for everyone.

This approach equally applies to cisgender women who feel betrayed by their husbands. But I get how resistant such women are to hearing this message. Their sense of betrayal is so strong, they just want to keep blaming their ex husbands. All the while not knowing they’re not doing themselves any favors in pointing fingers.

I say get on with finding happiness. It starts, for everyone, with an attitude adjustment. Then, finding lasting love is easy. Interested in knowing more? Let’s talk.

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Another Wife Betrayed By her Trans-Attracted Husband…🤥

Photo by Kat J on Unsplash

Every once in a while, a cis woman will write us in despair. These women share “betrayal, shock and sadness” they feel after discovering their husband’s involvement with transgender women. Their discovery usually comes “by accident”, which is why such women express so much shock.

Such a message came our way in the comments section recently:

My husband is trans attracted. He has completely broken me. My self-esteem and self-worth are destroyed. My home is broken and I feel he has no remorse. We are getting a divorce. I do not feel that marriage counseling will help because at the end of the day I cannot satisfy my husband.

His constant porn addiction and running to grindr everytime we argue shows me that his real desire is to be with a trans women. I feel betrayed, angry and stupid to think that he would ever just love me and want me. I’m completely defeated and spend my days reading articles about trans attraction and cry myself to sleep at night. My husband is so quick to defend the trans community but not our marriage and this is a feeling I cannot describe.

Many trans-attracted men wind up married to cis women. That’s because the shame and self loathing they feel about who and what they are has them repress what they want. In exchange, they go for what society tells them they “should” want.

Acceptance is hard

But the price they pay is far too great. Not only do they set themselves up for pain later on, they also, potentially, set up their partners and perhaps children. I totally understand their choices though. I married two cis women. The first I married totally oblivious to my trans attraction. The second marriage I walked into with my eyes open. It wasn’t about love. It was about giving the girl I married what she wanted. She knew about my trans attraction.

So I understand when men like me choose a cis woman over a transgender one. They don’t know what they’re missing when they do that. And, in my opinion, trans attraction will not suffer compromise. Soon or later, it will express itself. That’s why more and more cis women speak of betrayal and shock when they discover their husband “fucking trannies”.

Accepting our trans attraction can be a fraught-filled path. We face potential ridicule from friends, ostracism from family and potentially debilitating self-condemnation. As if that weren’t enough, men like us also often face humiliation, ostracism and ridicule from targets of our affection: the very women we find ourselves irresistibly attracted to.

So I don’t blame guys like me who try resisting their trans attraction. As I said though, that comes at a cost. The most expensive cost is lack of self acceptance.

When guys like us don’t embrace our natural, normal attraction, we give off insecurity vibes. Those vibes attract transgender women who are matches to that. Which is why men like me struggle with their attraction. They wonder why they keep meeting less-than-desirable trans girls. Trans girls who reject them.

Shame is common among many trans-attracted men (Photo by Aaron Blanco)

Self loathing masked as attacking men

Getting rejected by trans girls, while common, needn’t be any trans-attracted guy’s experience. But it will be if guys don’t accept themselves. When they do though, their entire dating experience will change.

The same happens, of course for transgender women.

Transgender women who don’t accept their trans-ness can’t abide by a guy who finds them attractive, in part, because they’re trans. Some trans girls agree with society. They think they are somehow “a mistake” or “born in the wrong body”. They can’t accept and embrace the fact that they chose this path as does every trans-attracted person.

Why anyone would choose transamory or being transgender is easy to answer, but it’s beyond the scope of this post. The point is, when a transgender woman calls a trans-attracted person a “tranny chaser”, “chaser” or some other derogatory term, they’re essentially saying “my status as a transgender person isn’t valid. So if you’re wanting me for that reason, you must be a freak, a fetishizer, fiend, or abnormal.”

We don’t call men who chase vagina “chasers”. We accept their behavior as “normal”. But what is normal? And is normal something someone really should strive for?

I don’t think so.

It’s better embracing one’s trans-ness as well as one’s trans-attraction. Men go through a “hyper” stage wherein they try fucking as many vaginas as possible. Girls go through their own process, but society makes it bad and wrong to express that overtly, so women don’t talk about it, or express it as directly as guys.

Many transgender women go through similar experiences. They seek out as much dick as they can. In other words, they’re exploring themselves.

Transgender women hating on trans-attracted men say more about their self-image than the men they hate (Photo by Engin Akyurt)

We’re a match to what we get

Trans-attracted men go through similar stages. If a trans woman doesn’t want to meet such men, who are going through a period of radical self-exploration, they need to up their story game. They must tell different stories about a number of subjects. Stories about themselves, about dating, about men and about relationships to name a few of many.

Diana Tourjeé, a journalist who happens to be transgender wrote an interesting article about cis women discovering their partners’ transamory. In it, she gives her own take on this perspective.

This is the danger in stereotyping all trans amorous men as chasers. Many are just discovering their sexuality, or finally want to be honest about who they are. They may well be living with severe anxiety or depression due to their reasonable fear. So the outright rejection of all men expressly interested in trans women ultimately alienates whatever number of trans amorous men are capable of, or actively are trying to overcome that fear. [These men] are an example of people who desire an authentic, fulfilling connection with trans women; rejecting them has only caused harm.

I agree. Tourjeé goes on to say many people, including transgender women, hold flawed and harmful ideas. These ideas say anyone who loves transgender women is abnormal. And that’s as harmful as thinking that transgender women themselves are abnormal. For if trans-attraction is abnormal, what does that make transgender women?

It’s a question every transgender woman might want to ask themselves the next time they want call some guy interested in them a “chaser”.

Good advice for cis women

As for cis women married to trans-attracted men, I think we’re going to see many more such women suffering shocking surprises. The more society leans toward accepting transgender people, more men will cast off their shame. I think that’s a good thing.

Women married to trans-attracted men are settling. As much as a shock as it might feel, if such women really look at their relationship with their trans-attracted husbands, they will discover clues existed throughout their relationship.

It’s hard to see the signs the universe shows one when one is on the wrong path. Often, such signs only become clear in the rear-view mirror. I would suggest to such women that the end of their marriage, rather than being the worst thing that ever happened, could become the exact opposite.

It could become an inflection point leading to a more genuine and authentic relationship containing more of what the woman wants. And when that happens, doesn’t that mean the ending of the marriage was actually a good thing?

I think so. Life tends to work out. Life is more fun when seen from that lens and lived with that expectation. Telling positive stories about life helps build such perspectives. Want to know more?

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Some People Prefer Hard Lives Over The Easy Life

Photo by Do Nhu on Unsplash

I wager if a transgender or trans-attracted person wanted to cross the United States, and the options were walking, driving or flying, that person would choose flying. And if instant teleportation were a thing, they’d choose that over flying. In other words, people choose the easy over the hard.

But when it comes to matters of having lives they love, most people, including transgender and trans-attracted ones, choose lives equivalent to walking across the country instead of flying. Then they proclaim how great they are for having made that choice.

I had a trans-attracted client cancel his membership recently. While I remain positive about it, I still recognize old stories I have about his choice. Those stories leave me feeling responsible for his decision. I’ll share why in next week’s post.

That said, his departure confirms what I know: most people remain nearly hopelessly inured to the stories that say success comes form hard work, struggle and sacrifice. So, they’d rather struggle, work hard as hell and “earn” their success whether that be in love or a career. If that success comes, then they’ll act like they did something honorable.

But finding honor in parroting what others do isn’t very honorable. Nor does doing so guarantee success. It’s, as Abraham says, “regurgitation”. The paradox is, so many regurgitate their lives as copies of what others are doing, especially when it comes to dating. Meanwhile, society holds up “original thinkers,” “pioneers” and “people who march to the beat of their own drums” as heroic life examples.

That paradox distinguishes the truly honorable from those indoctrinated into thinking parroting others’ paths merits accolades.

The leading edge isn’t for everyone

This client’s membership lasted over eight months. In that time he realized amazing epiphanies. Epiphanies that created way better life experiences than those he had before learning what he now knows.

So in our time together I helped him tremendously. He said he got all the tools he needs to deliberately create his reality along his desires. I agree.

But he declined to move into the advanced practice, as some others have. Not everyone wants a life proving nothing is impossible.

That’s ok. There’s never a crowd on the leading edge of anything. That includes expanding human consciousness. It also includes enjoying a life in which everything comes easy. Instead of crowds, pioneers populate that leading edge. They show humanity what is possible beyond stories defining things as impossible.

In reality, everything is possible. Including having the love one wants, however that looks. But one must believe that to experience it. And most will not question their stories long enough so that life shows they can have any life they desire. Including anything in that life that would bring them joy.

This client didn’t leave because of his disbelief though. As he put it, he prefers to work hard and earn his success. That sounds reasonable, doesn’t it? But his decision implies a kind of failure on my part.

Living indoctrinated

You see, the idea that one must work hard for one’s success is a persistent distortion of what’s happening on earth. Humans are the only species working hard, working themselves to the bone, their noses to grindstones, earning their living. Meanwhile ALL OF NATURE does exactly the opposite.

My failure is in not inspiring this person to give up his rigid indoctrination to stories that he must work hard for his success. In reality, his success, in everything he wants, including finding his transgender partner already is assured and exists for him. All he need do is line up with that reality and enjoy the fruits of his birthright without exerting any effort at all. But he believes there’s honor and some kind of glory in struggle and sacrifice. Cultural and societal indoctrination holds strong in him.

And so, he chooses to work hard, sacrifice and earn the success that’s already his. But because he can’t see he already has it, he’s willing to do anything to get it. Even if it means struggling.

It’s funny how literally millions of examples show how unnecessary working hard and struggling is. Those examples literally surround us. And every Great Master extolls in their teachings that life, by definition, is one of ease, joy and effortless abundance. That includes having the love one wants, whether one is transgender or trans-attracted.

Abundance is the rule

Animals and plants show how easy life can be. They don’t struggle. They don’t suffer. Everything they want comes to them. That’s why Jesus used examples from nature in his Sermon on the Mount.

In that sermon he extols the abundance, the natural state of being, which permeates all things. And he argues if nature enjoys such abundance, SO MUST HUMANS. So stop your struggle, he admonishes:

Look at the birds of the air, for they do not sow, nor do they reap, nor gather into barns. Yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much better than they? Why take thought about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: They neither work, nor do they spin. Yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not dressed like one of these.

Therefore, if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is here and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?…For your heavenly Father knows that you have need of all these things…seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be given to you. Therefore, take no thought about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take thought about the things of itself.

The Bible, Modern English Version

Struggle is overrated

What so many don’t know, despite distortive interpretations of such wisdom, is we are all God. In that state, we all bestow upon ourselves the plenty Jesus describes here. But our “little faith” keeps us chained to the toil we see others doing then create for ourselves. We memorialize others’ struggles as something honorable. Then we take that example as the way life is. And how our life should be.

That’s why so many choose life as my former client has. It’s the dark side of living. It’s choosing to live in insecurity and struggle. Such struggle needn’t be part of anyone’s life. But it’s easy falling into the trap of other people’s stories. Stories saying life is hard. Stories asserting that success comes through struggle. When we adopt such stories they become our own. Then we lose the grace, the love, joy and blessings Jesus refers to in his sermon.

The Sermon on the Mount Carl Bloch, 1890. Jesus was onto something important.

Culture, family, religious expectations, national expectations, workplace expectations and parental expectations all drive people to such bogus conclusions. Transgender and trans-attracted people should know this already. Because of our trans-status, many of us get guff from those whose stories tell them trans-status is “brainwashing” or some other negative fallacy.

We all create our realities. Such reality stems from our stories. The problem is, when we take on other people’s stories, theirs become ours. Then our reality matches others’ stories. It’s why life looks so similar for so many. It’s why so many trans-attracted men go on dating sites, or try finding their partner in bars and clubs.

That’s how bogus stories become truth. People see what others do. Not knowing they can create any reality they want, then they copy others’ stories. Then they do what others do. Their reality then confirms the stories as true. Finding a partner is hard, for example. Or all men (or transgender women) are so-and-so. But ANY stories becomes “true” because that’s how reality happens: through stories we tell.

Collective reality distortion

Then such truths get perpetuated as parents, teachers, religious leaders, peers and society amplify distorted truths as “the way life is”. It’s why so many transgender women fall into the “tranny chaser” story about men who find them attractive.

My client’s mother urged him almost constantly to get a job, finish his education, stop being lazy and be of value. So few understand what Jesus and all the Great Masters offer us, especially parents. I don’t perpetuate distortion. My life proves what Great Masters tell us. I help clients create similar lives.

But that doesn’t mean I always succeed. Sometimes society, family and other opinionators win.

When they do, I know nothing went wrong. Everything under the sun is good. There is no evil. Jesus talked of evil and hell, but he used those concepts at a time when such concepts resonated. Today’s humanity is ready for more complex and accurate metaphors. But even the old ones contain universal accuracy.

Life can be easy. It’s what all the Great Masters offer. Everything one wants can come with no effort. Especially finding love. Humanity owns vast capabilities people today say are impossible. But they’ve never put their assertions to the test. Instead, what they think impossible is that way because others brainwashed them into thinking they’re impossible. Those stories then create the reality where some things show up as impossible. But they’re not. Including “I will never find a man who will love me for me.”

I choose the Charmed Life

Meanwhile, pioneers stand on the leading edge. They offer humanity new realities. I enjoy playing in my sessions with such people.

Abraham contrasted struggle with the leading edge in a recent email I got from them. The email prompted this post. Here’s what it said:

Most people…equate results with struggle. And so, you sort of wear your struggle like a badge of honor. And all of that is opposite of allowing the Well-being.

There’s nothing wrong with working hard. Just as there’s nothing wrong crossing the country by foot. But wouldn’t you really rather fly? I would. And if instant teleportation was available wouldn’t you rather do that? I sure would.

While I welcome anyone wishing greater joy and ease in their life, I relish working with folks who choose to fly. Flying is the start. From there everything becomes possible. Having a life one loves means not subscribing to stories others foist on us. It’s the life lived according to the Great Masters. A life that can show that anything is possible.

It’s the Charmed Life I write about. The life opposite the dark side.

Which life are you choosing?

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The Great Joy Of Living As Trans

Photo by Fuu J on Unsplash

I wrote the following to a client but it applies generally to all trans and trans-attracted people:

Remember Susan (not her real name). You’re not on the way to any goal. You’re greatest joy is in authentic expression. You came to earth because you knew that. So that’s what you’re here for: Every moment expressing who you are…and by doing so improving the world. You, just like everyone else, got stuck in conditions you chose. You chose them because they offer the best combination of “what is” and what you want. So condemn nothing, including yourself, where you are, your job and everything else. Instead, find beauty and joy in everything and you’ll gradually come into your full, glorious, authentic expression.

This transgender woman took that advice then created her professional photography career. She is now off to a great start in that field.

The same thing can happen for any transgender person. Great joy awaits each person, trans or trans-attracted. That’s why we all choose to come into physical life. Because we knew it would be a wonderful, joyful experience.

Why doesn’t it look that way?

But nearly all of us get off track when we come into the world. That happens because the world is full of ideas running contrary to what’s really happening. People who came before us forgot what they knew before getting here. So they’re afraid, insecure in themselves and worried about all kinds of things.

We can’t get here except through other people. When we come that way, we also can’t help but adopt their insecurities, fears and worries as our own.

So, just like them, we try fitting in. We try to belong somewhere. We try becoming something we’re not. But why? Why do we do that?

It’s scary feeling alone. It’s scary not fitting in. But that scary feeling exists to remind us what we knew when we decided to come here. It reminds us that we’re worthy. It reminds us that we’re powerful beings who came for the joy. We came for the joy, to stand out, not fit in. But we came for so much more also.

We all get off track on the way to the joy we knew awaited us. Some never get back on track. If you’re reading this, though, you can get back on track. Do that and you’ll find the joy you knew awaited you here.

Love, happiness and joy is everyone’s birthright. Especially transgender and trans-attracted people. But when we listen to others or society and adopt their beliefs, it’s easy to get off track. (Photo by Sherise VD on Unsplash)

The joy is in uniqueness

We came here for that joy but also to move humanity and the world into places its never been before. That’s the purpose of all creation: becoming more than it is at any given time.

Being transgender and trans-attracted offers that expansion into more. But that expansion depends on transgender and trans-attracted people living authentically. That means standing out. That means accepting one’s unique place in the world, taking up space as that, and proudly expressing one’s authenticity in the world.

It’s easy to instead try to “fit in”. A lot of societal pressure will try to keep authentic beings from their authentic lives. But for those who dare, for those who live life their way, life will support their authenticity.

Living any other way is compromise and bound to end in dissatisfaction. That’s why so many people, regret their lives. Or they live lives of anxiety with a nagging that says “is this all there is to life?”

There is far more to life. Having that “far more” requires living authentic, original expressions of what we are, trans and trans-attracted. It requires expressing our uniqueness.

Expressing joy: a prerequisite

Like attracts like. Many people struggle with this. Especially trans and trans-attracted people. Getting what one wants requires becoming a match to that. That means, to enjoy a life of love and passion with someone who accepts one as one is, one must FIRST ACCEPT WHO AND WHAT THEY ARE. The best indicator of how much one accepts themselves is the amount of joy they feel.

Joy often comes fleetingly through people’s lives. Rarely does it hang around. Usually, it comes in surprising flashes, seemingly out of the blue. Boredom, annoyance, frustration, dissatisfaction and anxiety represent many people’s default life conditions. Such conditions exist in great quantities in the trans community, including among trans-attracted people.

But for those who make joy their objective, those people’s lives will reflect joy back to them. That must include joyful people. And it must also include joyful love.

So joy is the go-to place from which everything everyone wants arrives. The greatest joy comes from that experience wherein one loves themselves for EVERYTHING they are. Including the life they have, however it looks.

Find that kind of joy and relationships and love from others becomes irrelevant. Ironically, when one finds that place, love and relationships come easy because the person matches what they want. See? That’s the paradox.

To get what one wants, one must make themselves a match to it. For transgender and trans-attracted people, that means proudly living as trans and trans-attracted. Doing that is simple. But getting there takes practice because most of us don’t live authentically.

I can help with that.

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[VIDEO] Why Doing Nothing Gives The Best Dating Results

The best way to create a better dating life starts with learning how to do nothing. When people discover the power of doing nothing, life really starts taking off. And dates people have get better and better.

This is especially true for those looking for that perfect mate. Transgender and trans-attracted people struggle finding love because they’re caught up in the “doing disease”. It literally feels like that. Dis-ease.

We think all we need “to do” is do more of what others are doing and we’ll find our mate. So that’s what we do. We go to bars. Maybe we ask friends to hook us up. But the one thing so many do while infected with “doing disease” is pursuing a partner via online dating.

I know that path personally. Over the early part of my life I probably spent something like seven thousand dollars subscribed to various online dating sites. That includes transgender-specific ones. I spent another five thousand or so on other match-making alternatives. That was before I discovered a far more powerful way to fall in love: telling powerful stories.

Doing is drudgery

Before that discovery, I was caught up in doing too. And doing had me doing what everyone else did. It worked. Sometimes. Looking back, though, the success rate of all that doing wasn’t very high. It wasn’t any fun either in retrospect.

No one really likes getting on dating sites in order to find love. It’s a lot of work and money. But it’s crazy how many people go there. So few actually find what they want that way, yet, so many go that way and struggle through sucky experiences.

I’ve asked my clients which they’d prefer: meeting their match in their daily life, on the way to the grocery or while in a park for example, or meeting them on line. Every one agrees they’d prefer meeting them in real life.

Why do so many go through that drudgery then? Maybe it’s because they’re trapped in the doing the disease like I was. I’m glad I found the way out. The way out being doing nothing. It seems crazy, but it’s true. Here’s why.

So many people tire themselves out by trying to get what they want through action. But doing nothing begins a path where things happen far more easily. No struggle required. (Photo by Adrian Swancar)

You match what you’re getting

First, the reason why so many seek their partner through doing, yet fail to find them, is because they’re trying to get something they don’t believe they can have. I talk about this with every client. A person can’t find something they think they can’t find. That’s the case for keys, lost gloves and partners one think doesn’t exist.

How can someone find a partner if they think that partner doesn’t exist? That’s the belief in which many transgender and trans-attracted people stand. So many transgender people think they can’t find a guy who will love them for what they are. So many trans-attracted guys think transgender women of the kind they want, don’t exist. And yet, both parties do, do, do, while not knowing their doing doubles down on their negative thoughts about what they want.

Worse still, how can a person find someone to love if they believe they themselves aren’t lovable? Many transgender women struggle with believing they are worthy of what they want. A lot think they love themselves. But track what comes out of their mouths and in short order overwhelming evidence piles up. That evidence shows what that trans woman really feels about herself.

Same goes with trans-attracted men. Although it’s much easier seeing the evidence. We trans-attracted men struggle with shame and embarrassment about our attraction, but also about our desires. We’re insecure about what our desires tell us about ourselves. And so we struggle too.

Insecurities proceed us all

The fact is, if a person doesn’t think their partner exists, or they don’t think they deserve finding them, they’re not going to.

So when such a person goes online to find their partner, armed with such beliefs and insecurities, they draw to them experiences confirming their beliefs and insecurities. They meet skeezer trans women, cavort with call girls and escorts and get had by gold diggers. Or they meet men who only want to sext, see dick picks or ghost the minute online conversations turn to meeting in person.

When people get these responses, they ignore what these experiences tell them. Instead, they try harder, do more, push, struggle more. They think if they do all that, they’ll finally get what they want.

It doesn’t work that way. Especially in love.

Finding love is easy when you give up the struggle. Even if you’re trans or trans-attracted. (Photo by Juliette F on Unsplash)

Doing it different?

Doing nothing begins an important process. That process reverses inertia created when a person keeps doing the same thing over and over, while expecting different results. When someone calms themselves, relaxes and focuses inward, powerful processes get underway even though it seems like nothing happens.

And the more that person relaxes into doing nothing, the more effective they get. That’s because every person, trans or trans-attracted, receives guidance through their intuition. Doing nothing tunes one into their intuition.

What really happens is, by doing nothing, the person calms down noise in their head. That way they start hearing clear signals their intuition sends all day, every day.

In time, the person realizes some profound insights. Like this client:

Uncovering such insights takes a while. And this is the challenge. So many people in our lives tell us doing nothing is lazy and time wasting. But it’s not that. It’s a profound state of being which tunes one back into their deeper knowing.

But if you listen to society, parents, educators and all those loud mouths in the peanut gallery, you’ll hear “stop being lazy”, “work harder”, “success is in the struggle”.

It works but it’s tough

Such approaches work. But do you really want to struggle through life? I don’t. I’d rather enjoy life while seeing my life bringing me everything I want with little effort.

People who struggle claim it’s worth the struggle. They look at and display scars they “earned” on the way to their success. I say give that approach up, especially when it comes to finding love.

Instead, figure out how to become a match to the relationship, that lasting, loving, true love you want. It’s far more fun, easier, and when it shows up, will be a better match. That’s because on the way to receiving it, you’re becoming a match to it. You’re becoming happy. You’re letting go of your pessimism and joylessness. You let go of blame and judgement.

And when all that happens, you can’t help but meet someone who is just like you. After all, in all that doing to find a partner, the judgement, pessimism, and joylessness you experience is what you get in return in the form of partners matching all of that.

A better way exists. It starts with doing nothing, which really is doing a lot. Learning to do nothing transforms lives. My clients know this. It’s time for you to know it too.