Editor’s note: Occasionally, we’ll be sharing conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. Here’e the first. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy:
So I’m a pretty passable decently attractive trans woman in my early 20s. I live in a small town and there is a man that I started texting from tinder since early 2017. He never wanted to meet up and told me to keep our interactions quiet/not to tell anybody that we talk.
Every single text conversation with him he has always turned it into a point of sex or asking for trans porn referrals. I stopped talking to him because he was too scared to take me out on a date in fear of others finding out or knowing that I was trans. I was especially done talking to him after I told him that I’m not interested in hookups, so he asked me if I have any trans girlfriends that are!
He just reached out to me and I told him I was no longer interested and he said that “he’s changed” and that he’s “ready to openly date a trans woman” because he allegedly went on some dates with another trans woman (probably someone I know too given the small town). He said that he’s only interested in me because I’m preop and that if I had “the surgery” he would no longer be interested in me. Isn’t this ridiculous or am I wrong?
To me this is saying “I like you but if you gained 10 pounds I’d have to break up with you”. Am I wrong to think this is poor behavior?
In short, if you think this is ridiculous then you’re telling stories that will bring more of these situations to you. Instead, you could put aside your judgement and see what happens. You don’t have to compromise what you want at all. But there is a story you’re telling that is bringing this kind of guy into your life.
Sure his behavior could be judged as poor. As well as judging a guy (or a girl btw) who might want a person who does not gain weight as having poor behavior. But a preference is a preference. They are all personal and they’re all valid (for the person with the preference).
But just because it’s a preference HE has, doesn’t mean YOU have to agree with it. The opportunity lies in how you (dis)agree. If you call it “ridiculous” then you’re in trouble.
Instead, appreciate the guy’s presumed movement forward however it happened. Appreciate that he likes you well enough to have come back. Appreciate the attention.
And, if you prefer a man desire you for other reasons, politely tell him no thanks. Be calm. Better yet, appreciate the experience for the clarity you now have: Now you know more clearly what you want…and what you don’t. That’s great awareness.
Never compromise what you want because you can always have what you want. But you shoot what you want in the head when you judge (tell a negative story about) what you don’t want.
Does that make sense?
Everything in your experience is there reflecting your stories. Change your stories and the guys you meet will change.
Editor’s note:Angry about this headline? Check your stories. Your stories – thoughts you think and beliefs you hold – create your life experience. Including who you meet and how those relationships go. Looking for the love of your life, that perfect partner you want? Then first you must become that which you want. If this headline freaks you out, you’re not doing that. That is why you can’t find your transgender or cis-male partner. 👍🏾👍🏾👍🏾
Everything works out because that’s how life works. All relationships work out, even pain in the ass, always arguing, never-having-sex relationships. Even cis-trans relationships.
But if I tell stories consistent with the struggle, the fighting, the no-sex experience, I get more of that. I get more of that because I create life experience.
So what about COVID-19? If I create life experience what’s up with COVID-19? Most people struggle when told they create negative life experience. Facing a pandemic, it seems foolish thinking such thoughts.
“You’re blaming the victim” goes the tired, knee-jerk response, a response springing from beliefs in a random, objective reality separate from what we are.
Nearly everyone believes the physical world and humans exist independently. So when told they create the physical world they inhabit, this trope spills from people’s mouths out like vomit: involuntarily.
The pandemic sweeping the globe, triggering people’s fears and worries, springs from our collective focus. It’s both a culmination and a beginning. Results coming from it loudly and clearly indicate a shift towards better futures for everyone. That’s obvious, when telling the right stories.
COVID-19 presents great positive opportunity. It must, because everything works out. In these positive stories, I see awesome ways in which COVID-19 benefits us all. Here are ten. There are many more.
COVID-19 reveals something we know, but ignore: we’re all on the same planet and we create our individual AND our collectively reality. One person’s actions affect the entire planet. That’s always happening. This pandemic clarifies our connectedness. On the plus side, that means one person’s act can change the world for the better as it can do the opposite. That’s good news!
I’ve seen police serenading neighborhoods from empty streets in Italy, medical personnel acting heroically in hospitals, storeowners setting aside special elderly shopping hours. We’ve gotten back in touch with each other and our communities. We’re greeting each other more (from six feet away). It’s a good thing.
Loved ones, family members, friends, community…all these things took second fiddle in our earn-a-living-society. Not any more. Amidst COVID-19, loved ones, family members, friends and community hold center stage. It could remain that way going forward. If we want.
Research shows people on deathbeds rarely say “I wish I would have worked harder!” Instead, they regret spending so much time at work. No better time to restructure priorities than now. COVID-19 gives us that time.
Forced home, isolation demands we get comfortable with ourselves. Isolation frightens some. Prolonged isolation from COVID-19 can bring introspection and renewed self-value and self discovery. Taking quiet time, focusing more on one’s own company brings many rewards. COVID-19 could resurface our lasting and inestimable individual and collective value.
5. We’re rethinking jobs
COVID-19 strongly affects some people. Sheltering in place confronts beliefs about working jobs we hate. These people LOVE LOVE LOVE not working right now, but also feel shame and embarrassment about that. Society makes us think we’re worthless if we don’t work, pull our weight or “get a job”. Some realize under COVID-19 that those shibboleths are false. That’s great awareness!
And, there are others who get how much they LOVE LOVE LOVE their work. They’re refreshed in their isolation, but also antsy. They find great value doing something they believe important. Even if it’s not. That’s great too!
On a bigger scale, people see now the terrific tie between them and this economy. Like hamsters on a wheel, if people don’t work, the whole shebang stops. This realization could awaken whole new ideas about running societies and economies. Are we brave enough to leap into the (seeming) unknown?
Never in a thousand years would I predict that REPUBLICANS would send federal checks directly to individuals. And yet that’s exactly what’s happening. It looks like Andrew Yang’s Universal Basic Income proposal got implemented, in various forms, other countries as a stop-gap to total economic destruction. Our bailouts here in the US may not be as grand, but amazingly, the bedeviled idea “socialism” is what is keeping us from total economic ruin. Paradigms could change from all this. If we want.
Radical ideas may not be as radical as we thought. COVID-19 offers contemplating new ideas economic ideas that don’t tie humanity to economic output. Emerging from COVID-19, can we create a new economy not demanding human effort as its fuel? Anything’s possible now. Thanks COVID-19!
With every major historical, negative event, humanity, on the other side of them, came out better. Every major war, every great plague, and every natural disaster launched more and better human ideas. No matter what humans face, on the other side we get better. I know this pandemic complements a spiritual shift urging us towards the future. Perhaps we will heed that call. That would be great!
COVID-19 prompts different reactions from different people. More accurately, one’s beliefs, their stories both shape people’s reactions and people’s futures. I know the more people see positive things happening in the world, the more positive the world gets for those people. Come to where you easily meet the love of your life, pandemic or not. Learn how to tell your life story so it matches your dreams, instead of your frustrations.
Last month, in cahoots with Inner Being, I realized $10,000 in project funding. Rendezvousing with those funds came surprisingly and delightfully, which is how “right timing” always feels.
Right timing happens when I tell the right stories about what I want consistently enough that my reality matches stories I tell. This works with creating money, apartments, partners, or even intangibles such as happiness, well being and freedom. Here’s how to do it:
• • •
Between jobs last month and with COVID-19 shutting down job opportunities, I slowed down looking for work. In that space, I realized what I wanted more than a job paying the bills, was my projects paying the bills.
But current stories about my projects funding my living created ongoing nows consistent with those stories. That’s why I needed work. I didn’t believe my projects could pay my bills.
So that’s the reality I got.
Earlier last month though, I decided I would allow current stories a path out of my awareness. Doing that, I knew they would no longer influence my reality. Do that long enough, I knew, and stories consistent with my desires would become my reality.
That’s what I started two weeks ago. On Day one, determination reigned. By Day 12, old stories re-asserted themselves. All stories, beliefs or thoughts enjoy leaning toward their fullest expression. Believe it or not, stories are living things as all thoughts are. They revel in expression.
Once in my head, it can be hard getting them out. Unless I know what to do, that is, which I do, so it’s not hard. It’s easy.
My old stories reveled in my then present reality. The more I looked for work, the stronger their momentum. Their revelry felt like pressure, fear and anxiety inside me. That’s because their revelry in me drew to me thoughts like these:
I gotta get a job. My savings is running out
I should take whatever I can get
If I don’t take this job, there may not be others
Sense scarcity consciousness in those?
But then I reminded myself that I create my reality. Not these stories. I can choose stories I tell. I’ll choose stories that feel good and know by my good feelings, realities consistent with my positive stories will become my reality.
Thoughts that feel good sounded like this:
I don’t need to take any of these jobs I feel “blah” about
There are plenty of jobs available for me
My Inner Being knows the best job for me
I’ll wait for that best job
But then, while thinking those thoughts, other more positive thoughts came to me:
I don’t want a job!
I really enjoy working on my projects
Why can’t my projects support my living?
They can!
I want that reality!
Working on my projects full time feels fun!
That was around Day six. Between Day six and Day 12, old story constellations reasserted themselves several times each day. They (those thoughts) would pop into my head from time to time vying with my new, emerging stories. This is how it goes. It’s what changing your reality looks like.
Thankfully, I trained myself into monitoring my feelings. Any time I felt bad, I knew old stories popped up, even if I didn’t know what stories I told at that time.
Sometimes I knew. I felt and heard the thought. Other times, I didn’t.
No matter. Anytime I felt negative emotion, I pulled my attention back into the now, then focused on the positive thought-set. Something interesting: Negative emotion usually came when I let my attention slip into the future. That’s a no-no because when there I easily slip into trying to figure out the “how” and the “when” about what I want: How will my projects sustain me? When will that happen? Will it happen before I run out of money?
Those thoughts create fear and worry. So I know they don’t lean toward my desired reality that’s becoming my now. Instead, they lean the other way.
Any time I couldn’t shift my thinking because old story momentum had too much strength, I would take a nap, or go do something I enjoy: watch a favorite movie, or go on a walk.
By Day 14, I had done a lot of all that. I felt really good.
The morning of Day 14, I had wonderful dreams and epiphanies I wrote about in my journal. Then, one of my Positively Focused clients sent a message on WhatsApp. He’s not only a client, he’s keen about Copiosis, my other project. He’s given money to that organization before.
It just so happened, I launched a Copiosis social media advertising strategy earlier that week. So I had plenty to show him. The progress excited him. In his excitement he told he would give me more money to run that organization. Then he said use the rest of his gift to fund my living expenses so I could work full time on my projects.
How much was “the rest”? Nine thousand, five hundred and eighty dollars! I walked right into my desired reality!
Here’s the thing about all this. The money is great. Now I don’t need a job. It will fund my living expenses for most of the rest of the year. More money is coming, I’m sure.
But what’s more thrilling is what I experienced on the way to this money. The deliberate focus. Telling the right stories. Clarity coming from that. Positive, wonderful, ecstatic feelings coming from clarity.
Every moment I stayed in the present moment, I enjoyed throughly. In other words, most of that time I was happy. I’m happy still.
Those times I didn’t I stay in the Moment of Becoming, I see as beneficial too. Without them, I wouldn’t know I was heading away from what I wanted. So even those times benefitted me.
Getting the $10K is great. But desire fulfillment lasts hardly as long as anticipation, the joyful expectations, the pleasure that is knowing desire fulfillment is on its way. Seeing the signs as I move toward desire fulfillment sweetens the journey.
Since I’m eternal, new desires will always spring up. So I’ll always be on the way to a new desire.
How does all this relate to finding a partner? Your reality springs from stories you’re telling. Old story momentum creates your reality just as my old story momentum created my “I need a job” reality. Change your stories and in a little while, you’ll find yourself in new realities. Realities filled with abundant relationship options, no matter how unlikely you think your relationship options are.
Life gets mostly lived on a journey towards someplace. Every time I arrive, arrival births new desires. Which is why I know this: Life is about the journey. Not the destination. Settle into that truth. Not only will you have more fun, you’ll get what you want fast.
My divorce wasn’t because I’m transamorous. It came after a long series of unrelated events. Events requiring my ex-wife and I going our separate ways as different people with different desires.
I can give more detail. But that won’t help.
What is helpful is this: if you’re trans-attracted, married to someone other than a trans woman, and you find yourself desiring transgender women, you can stay married.
But you’ll be happier married to a trans woman if marriage is what you want.
Authenticity will win in the end. That means your trans-attraction will win. It’s winning now. Why do you think you’re reading this? 😂😂😳
That eager, irresistible desire? That’s your authenticity. Like gay people who finally own their authenticity and trans people too, you will as well. It is inevitable.
When you do, the whole world will benefit. You will too. So will your current spouse.
Are you ready?
Maybe you’re ready. Maybe you’re impatient. Impatience can speed things up. But a natural end to your marriage, rather than a blow up, feels better. It’s a smoother ride. And, through patience, allowing life its way, you and your wife will part in peace.
Maybe you think you can’t be patient. That’s why we are here. Maybe you already shared this part of you with your spouse, and, like my clients, you’re trying to figure out what comes next.
When that’s through, and your marriage too, you still must reconcile stories shaping unwanted realities. Realities that include inauthentic marriages.
You, your spouse, your marriage, and everything else in contact with you is colored. It’s colored by tension you carry in you. That tension, as well as the eager desire you have for transgender women, tells you something. It tells you you have strong stories expressing strong desire.
Those stories and your desire will not be denied.
You know fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, right? Of those who stay together, some last. But in some large number of that lasting group, two unhappy people are ignoring their unhappiness.
That’s no fun. Life is supposed to be fun. Part of that fun includes your trans-attraction.
Your trans-attraction isn’t about you alone. It’s also about every person with whom you interact. Most important, your trans-attraction is about those transgender women (or men) you find yourself attracted to.
That’s because you add to others’ lives as others add to your own. You help people you’re drawn to. You do that by loving them and appreciating them. Loving and appreciating them in the open.
When you do, that love and appreciation returns to you. You love yourself more. You have more fun. You have better relationships.
Your trans-attraction holds great benefit for you. As it does for others. Ignore it and the benefit eludes you.
You can’t hide
The moment I chose living authentically, not only did I find more transgender women in my life, I felt lighter and freer. No longer living a lie, life got easier.
Believe it or not, your wife and everyone else involved already knows you’re trans-attracted. Whether you’ve used words to tell them or not, they pick up on it through their inner knowing.
They don’t consciously know they know. They have a feeling. That feeling effects how they treat you, how they react to you, and how you react to them.
I once spoke with a married trans-attracted man whose marriage included arguments and drama. Both parties played their part. Both reacted to the other. Sure, there were surface level issues. But these issues didn’t warrant the drama. I told this guy his drama and arguments with his wife came from his inauthenticity. He said that felt true.
Partners know what’s going on. They don’t know they know, but they know. You can’t hide.
Your heart’s desire: She’s out there
Here’s what I know about being married to a cisgender woman while being transamorous. Maybe it will help you.
Compromising my trans-attraction felt shitty.
My wife never measured up because she couldn’t. She wasn’t trans.
My wife knew something was up, her anger, frustration and dissatisfaction tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen until much later.
You’re going to be ok. But you must go all the way.
Ultimately you’re married to someone other than your heart’s desire because for some reason you think or thought your heart’s desire isn’t out there waiting for you. They are out there.
But your impatience had you compromise your dream. That’s what I did.
Or you believe you’re not worthy of having what you want. Mainly (likely) because others convinced you that what you want is wrong.
What you want is right.
What you get from marriage you can get outside it. If you really want to be married, marry your heart’s desire.
Do that and you’ll feed many birds with one scone. You’ll change the world. You’ll change. And you’ll change the world of a trans woman.
Just by being authentically you. Then you can be married…to a transgender woman.
What is a broken heart? A broken heart is a mindset.
Society romanticizes broken hearts. Movies get made. Songs get sung. Getting hurt happens, right?
Not necessarily.
No one need ever experience a broken heart. Put your heart in the right place. It will never break again.
My recent relationship taught me that. 😂👍🏾❤️
· · ·
Lauren and I got acquainted when she contacted me online.
Mutual affection grew fast, as we had a lot in common. She’s trans. I’m Transamorous. We both shared art, love of music, philosophy, food and more.
But as intimacy grew, she got more nervous. The closer we got, the more uncomfortable she got.
I relish love. I relish love because I am love. Connected to my Inner Being, expressing unconditional love flows like breathing. So, naturally, I shared spontaneous appreciation for Lauren. I appreciated Lauren’s existence, her talent, and her strengths, especially strengths she developed as she’s accepted being trans.
For a while she appreciated all that.
Then it got too much for her.
Relationships are nice-to-haves
I know if I’m patient, the Universe will show me everything I want. It will also show me reasons why I may not want what I have.
As my Broader Perspective connection strengthens, I desire human affection less. Connection to Broader Perspective showers me with an incredible, unconditional love. A love so deep and satisfying, relationships with other people get put in their proper place: as nice-to-haves, not as must haves.
There’s no forlornness when I’m not in a relationship because my Inner Being relationship dominates. It (my Inner Being) always floods me, its love so strong and overflowing and present, I never feel alone. I feel loved.
So I never feel yearning or that I’m missing out on love. My Broader Perspective’s unconditional love is enough. As it pores through me, I become that. Pure love.
So why seek relationships with people when I become that which people crave from relationships?
Good question.
Thoughts make reality
My perspectives on human relationships changed since discovering my Inner Being. I yearned for them before. I felt incomplete without one. But yearning creates problems. In yearning I sow seeds of loss. Here’s how that works
When I yearn for something, then get it, I fear I’m going to lose that for which I’ve yearned. Holding tight to what I’ve got for fear of losing it guarantees I will lose it. Holding something tight like that emphasizes its loss. Reality springs from thoughts.
Tightness in my body born of fear is reality. Physical sensations are real, right? So my thoughts about losing someone creates an incipient reality: a feeling. In this case “tightness”.
In that reality, my behavior reflects my fear. I say things consistent with fear. I interpret what I see from fear. I may even start checking out relationship options. I hedge my bets.
Meanwhile my partner knows what’s up. They may not know it in their awareness, yet they still know. That’s why a partner might check your phone or email. A hunch will push through into their awareness. There are no secrets. We’re all one.
Unchecked, my fear creates even more real, realities. This is called momentum. My partner may find my bet hedging, then get insecure. Before long tension grows. Fights happen. Mistrust grows. They might start bet-hedging. Then the breakup comes.
Reality springs from Inner Reality. It starts with thoughts, which draw themselves to perceivers “tuned in” to those thought frequencies. The rest happens automatically so long as perceivers stay tuned in. So reality perpetuates, thus creating eternity.
Thoughts come from somewhere
Inner reality is real. Where do you think thoughts come from? Thought is a physical reality.
Thoughts drive perception. Perception is reality too. Perception then drives behaviors. Behaviors are reality. Behaviors influence others and their behavior. Others cooperate with me helping create my reality. They act consistent with my thoughts.
So behaviors always match Inner Reality. Since reality springs from behavior, and behavior springs from perception, and perception springs from thoughts and thoughts come from Inner Reality, then my Inner Reality must become one’s physical reality starting with my thoughts.
That’s how it works.
I know how to create realities I want. My emotions guide me. The better I feel, the more I know my becoming reality includes my fulfilled desires. That’s because positive thoughts must become positive realities.
Strong connection with my Inner Being short circuits yearning, fear and insecurity, replacing them with appreciation and love. My job: staying there as best I can. I don’t always. But doing that consistent enough creates realities consistent with appreciation and love.
So if a partner chooses something other than a relationship with me, I see the former relationship in its proper perspective: a nice-to-have. Not so significant that I create realities consistent with painful loss. Were I to do that, I would experience a broken heart. For a broken heart is a physical reality (an emotion) triggered by thoughts consistent with “broken heart realities”.
Even when you’re alone, you’re not. Love literally surrounds and moves through and in and out of you. (Photo by Greg Rakozy on Unsplash)
Love happens best when alone
Human love can’t match Inner Being unconditional love. Moreover, another person can’t match all that my Inner Being gives me in its love for me. It literally gives me everything I want in wonderful, surprising ways and in perfect timing. I write about these on my other blog Positively Focused.
Human relationships always come up short compared to that. That doesn’t make human relationships bad. They are what they are.
Love doesn’t come from another person. Love happens when, while with a person, I tune into thoughts that connect me with my Inner Being. It’s my Inner Being connection that triggers love. Not being in relationship. Which means, I can feel love outside relationship.
This puts relationships in a less triggering perspective. I conjure love at will. So if a relationship ends, it’s not the end of my love, or my world. And my heart breaks no more.
You’ll find no more broken hearts when you re-discover your relationship with you.
So when Lauren called distraught and in crisis about our relationship, I took it in stride. Despite all we had in common, despite being with someone who loved her, she focused on things she thought we didn’t share. Real things for her. Perception is reality. Her perception saw broken hearts in our future. That scared her.
She said long distance relationships were something she didn’t do. Yet, she was doing one.
She said I put too many expectations on her. I put no expectations on her. I only wanted to love her.
She said me telling her I loved her filled her with anxiety. A strange connection I thought, feeling anxiety when someone loves you.
She said our relationship would fail.
I found it strange that the more I showered her with love the less she enjoyed us. I found it strange until she told me how people in her past said they loved her, but their behavior said otherwise. She doesn’t know that thoughts create reality. She doesn’t know other people act out what you’re thinking. They do that so your thoughts are “made real” for your examination. They’re made real so you can do something about them.
For me our relationship already succeeded and had no other choice but to succeed going forward. Where she saw “red flags”, I saw adventure and opportunity.
As I said, when one gets connected to one’s Inner Being, it will show that person why they may not want what they have. In her objections, Lauren showed me why Lauren may not be something I want. She wasn’t consistent with my “love vibration”. So she took herself out of my reality, leaving me free to love and be loved.
For me, relationship success looks like a relationship through which two parties are better off because of it. That means two find greater harmony with their Inner Beings by experiencing life with one another.
That’s what happened for me. And so where is the case for failure, or a broken heart?
It’s easy to never have a broken heart again. It starts with prioritizing the one relationship that will never end, the one relationship through which I get everything I want, no matter what that is, and then some. That’s the relationship between me and me.
Standing there, I never lose love. Or anything else. It’s all gain. And my heart remains whole.
