When Tamar signed up for her first 1:1 spiritual mentoring session almost two years ago, she was living in a tent in the backyard of a house she owned in Australia. Back then, Tamar had a dream, she said, of one day circumnavigating the Australian continent by sea…
I got this direct message (above) from her last week. Here’s Tamar’s story, in her own words:
“I used to live in a tent in the back yard of the house I owned. Now, I have found my joy like never before…and I’m free.
…I knew I was different at an early age. Gentle, caring, and quite frankly horrified at the expectations that were thrust upon me. I had no concept of being transgender back then. I tried to prove my masculinity, to others and myself, by working extremely “manly” jobs. Those jobs took their toll on my body. Finally owning my transgender identity took its toll on my marriage.
While I raised my four kids successfully, under a roof I paid for, before my transition, I was living estranged from my family and wife in a tent in the backyard of the house I spent all my working life affording.
Needless to say that fact left me bitter, resentful and unhappy.
The jobs I worked left me on disability. I used to think being transgender was a handful in and of itself. But in addition to that, I was diagnosed with PTSD, and an anxiety disorder.
I would literally have panic attacks when around crowds. Even the thought of being around strangers left me feeling exposed, anxious, fearful and alone. That’s to say nothing about finding a romantic male partner. For me, romance was not even on the table.
Then I encountered Positively Focused [our sister site]**. All along I knew myself to be a divine character, but my life experience and the stories I created were making a life that matched that seem like a pipe dream: how could I live who I knew myself to be when I faced so many obstacles?
So when I found Positively Focused, I was in an extremely negative space. And not just emotionally.
After just six Positively Focused sessions, I created an entirely new reality for myself. I’m now living in a nice apartment that came to me…seemingly miraculously.
I have more money, my privacy and I’m far, far from that living situation I dreaded every moment I was there.
But more importantly is how I feel. I’m in the best condition I’ve been in. Ever. Looking back at that first session, I don’t even recognize myself!
A new life has begun. A freer one. All my dreams I put on hold are in sight.
It’s great to be out of that tent. After I have settled in, and rested a while, I’ll be ready to find a friend.
It’s strange. Not long ago, I had given up on getting away from that old living situation. I had started shopping online for hiking gear, spending my money. I had come to the conclusion that if I was going to live in a tent anyway, the peace of the woods was better than where I was. I was getting ready to be homeless.
But then I received a call from a person I spoke to a couple of weeks ago. They gave me the unit I had asked for. I found it odd, that within hours of “letting go”, I was given what I wanted/needed.
Intriguing, and exciting also, perhaps.
Needless to say, I’ve benefitted tremendously from my Positively Focused experience. I realize my case may be extreme. But if Positively Focused can turn my life around, it can certainly do wonders for yours.”
Tamar wrote that in 2018. As I’ve said, as momentum increases, life gets better and better. For Tamar, that means living dreams once put on hold.
“Realists” criticize people who have their head in the clouds, who see the glass as overflowing. Pollyanna gets a bad wrap from people who think they’re being real, when they’re actually being pessimistic.
Meanwhile those who are Pollyanna – who see the world Positively Focused – are getting lives they love.
**Positively Focused is our sister site offering the same approach to life we do here at The Transamorous Network. To find out more about Positively Focused, click here. You get access to the same content by going through The Transamorous Network’s matchmaking service.
Once I talked with a frustrated trans man. We interviewed him actually. He lamented how “dick centric” the gay community is and how gay men with vaginas have hard times dating. Or even having sex.
Gay men aren’t the only ones with a dick-centrism problem. A certain negative dick-centrism also dictates (dick-tates?) the transgender dating world’s focus on “chasers”: fetish men, presumably seeking casual encounters with “pre operative” trans women.
The Transamorous Network is central to this chaser conversation. The transgender community’s strong attachment and revulsion to “chaser behavior” may stem from a deep and equal revulsion some transgender women have about their pre-operative parts.
Don’t get me wrong: not all transgender women are so repulsed. But some are. Some men are too. A woman with a penis, for some men, just doesn’t compute. But for others, it’s as normal as anything.
We get emails from time to time from these men. Men who are shamed into obscurity for their attraction to women with penises. And men who are proud of their attraction. I know there are trans women too who have no qualms having a penis.
But the negative dick-centric narrative among transgender community members appears to be monopolized by those vocal trans women who may revile their penis. Then project their revulsion on to men who find women with penises desirable. Despite the vocal cries, these men’s desire is not dick centric. Well, it can be. At first.
But many men get past that, finding their trans-attraction a huge gift. Trans women are beautiful, smart, strong, and powerful after all.
It’s because of one such man that I’m writing this post. He made a comment today on one of our more popular, timeless posts on our website. His comment is so good, rather than paraphrase it, I’m pasting it here in its entirety. It does a great job making the case (and winning it, IMO) that women with penises are perfectly normal and men who love such women are too.
Why is it that only one type of preference in a woman’s genitalia is a fetish? A man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a penis has a fetish but a man who is only sexually attracted to a woman with a vagina does not have a fetish? What’s the difference?
Are the men who are attracted to women with vaginas healthy and normal (since they don’t have a fetish) while those who desire a woman with a penis deviants and abnormal?
Given an attractive pre-op trans woman, many cis men would initially be attracted to her. However the vast majority of them will cease to have any interest in her once they know that she has a penis. Sad but true.
The men who remain attracted to her because she has a penis are then labeled as chasers with a fetish. Also sad and also true.
So who does that leave as potential mates for the transgender woman? The ideal man to whom genitalia is absolutely irrelevant when choosing a partner? While I aspire to be such a man, I do not believe that many of them exist in our present level of evolution. I have yet to meet the man that truly doesn’t care what is between a woman’s legs. Again, sad but true.
By labeling any man who is attracted to a woman with a penis as a chaser with a fetish, pre-op transgender women eliminate the entire pool of men who might be attracted to them. Who’s left?
I am not saying that men only care about what is between a woman’s legs in choosing a mate. However what is between her legs determines whether a man will even take the next step to get to know her. The fact is, the vast majority of men will dismiss a pre-op transgender woman without knowing anything else about her. For them, she has a penis, that’s it, end of discussion.
Why, then, should we eliminate the men who want to take the time to get to know a pre-op transgender woman and learn if there is a mental and spiritual connection? Nope, those guys have a fetish! They want a woman with a penis! Out they go!
One last question. As a pre-op transgender woman, why wouldn’t you want a guy who wants you exactly the way you are? I am in a relationship with a transgender woman who has never had any surgery nor taken any hormones. I wouldn’t change a hair on her head but then again, I must be a man with a fetish.
It’s interesting that many men who come into their transamory eventually begin thinking these kinds of thoughts, thoughts which broaden their perspective.
Our realities are created through thoughts we think. No thought is off limits. If you believe your penis is something you must get rid of in order to feel integrated, then go for it.
But there may be a thought you may not be aware of driving such desires: thoughts society wants you to think. Thoughts which define for us what being a woman is. I choose to choose my own definition as well as my own thoughts. So do many trans-attracted men.
I’m not suggesting every transgender woman keep their penis. I am suggesting that the transgender community is doing itself a great disservice by vilifying men who think trans women who have penises are marvelous. I would say this man agrees.
The path to expressing our leadership as members of the transgender community begins with letting go of self-loathing. That’s exactly what the “chaser” trope expresses. Let it go.
Last time I wrote about Joe (not his real name) a client who met his ideal match in a transgender woman. Joe was excited about this. He felt the Universe designed this gathering.
It did.
But the “why” wasn’t what Joe thought.
This post details what happened after Joe’s initial excitement and enthusiasm. It also sheds more light on our framework. Why it is so powerful. And why we guarantee you’ll get your ideal match.
That and a whole lot more. Let’s get started.
• • •
By his ninth session, Joe’s enthusiasm disappeared. He was low-energy. Not the excited person from our cancelled seventh session.
Turns out Cassandra (not her real name either), the transgender woman he met, hadn’t spoken to him in a while. Despondent, Joe had all kinds of negative stories about why. Stories about the experience. Stories about himself. Stories about our approach.
Joe’s grumpiness matched all these stories. Joe thought something went wrong.
Nothing went wrong.
Instead, Joe’s life experience showed him what he must change if he wants his ideal partner. Remy says this all the time. If you want your ideal match you must become a match to them.
Joe is not yet a match. So he drew to himself someone who matches where he is. The gift of this perfect relationship connection is, it showed this to him.
That doesn’t mean he liked what he saw.
But had he been able to, he would have benefitted even more from the experience.
Life is eternal. You always get more chances so nothing is lost. Nothing goes wrong. Ever.
The relationships with Cassandra didn’t show up as the relationship Joe wanted. But it did show Joe many of his disempowering stories.
And it showed him how his relationship behavior matches those stories.
Joe moved too fast. His stories about relationship scarcity caused had him cling to this relationship. As if there weren’t going to be any others.
Out of his desperation to have a relationship, he asked Cassandra if she was seeing anyone else, implying energetically, of course, that he’d prefer he be the only one she was seeing.
After all, he wasn’t seeing anyone else. But the reason he wasn’t seeing anyone else wasn’t because he had other opportunities. It’s because he is grasping desperately for THE relationship. Instead of enjoying life.
When Cassandra said she was seeing others, Joe played it off. But it was obvious in our call that answer was not the right one. It did match his stories though.
• • •
We know at The Transamorous Network that stories create reality. We also know momentum of stories told often enough can’t be avoided. That’s not how life works.
To slow old story momentum, a person must tell new stories. New stories which, over time, will build enough momentum in their own right. Meanwhile, old story momentum deactivates. They have less effect on reality. Including one’s behaviors.
Joe didn’t focus on new stories after that exchange. That focus takes effort, which is why we offer our framework. Joe is only starting. So he doesn’t realize yet how to check in with his emotions early enough to halt old story momentum.
It’s a rare skill among people. Hardly anyone has the discipline and rigor to do such work on their own. Hardly anyone understands why we have emotions. We offer our framework for that reason.
So rather than focusing on new stories he is working on in our sessions, Joe allowed his old stories to continue creating his reality. Disappointment he felt isn’t about how the relationship turned out (it ended). Although that’s what Joe thinks is the reason he’s disappointed. He feels disappointment (and frustration and sadness and more) because he’s focusing on his reality. The reality his old stories are creating. Realities not matching what he wants.
Again, Joe is just starting. So he doesn’t get how important it is to understand the purpose of emotions. So instead of using his emotions they way they’re intended, he tries to behave in spite of them.
Meanwhile, his behavior faithfully creates outcomes matching his old stories.
For example, one night frustrated in not hearing from Cassandra, Joe drunk-dialed her. That didn’t go well.
Drunk-dialing is a classic knee-jerk reaction to strong negative emotions triggered by negative stories about relationships playing out in physical reality. Thinking that behavior would bring relief, people drink to numb the emotion.
But alcohol amplifies negative emotion. It adds momentum to stories. That momentum draws to it other stories like it. Your stories are living things. Not just words. Stories like company. They draw to themselves stories like themselves. That’s how story or belief constellations happen.
That’s also why drinking to numb pain usually begins a downward spiral. When it comes to a “failed” relationship, that spiral often includes drunk-dialing.
Remember, in the last post I cautioned Joe about what was happening. I said Cassandra was a perfect match to Joe’s stories. That she is a perfect match is an excellent indicator.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, Joe got to see exactly how his stories create his reality. A reality which includes transgender women not all that interested in Joe for Joe.
To Joe, she seemed interested. At first. But later she wasn’t.
By our ninth session, Joe was not in a good place at all. He couldn’t see the extraordinary benefit of a relationship like the one he got.
• • •
Then one day, Cassandra contacted him after a long absence. He said she asked him to pay for something for her. Joe didn’t have the money. He hasn’t heard from her since telling her so.
Of course, Joe’s old beliefs showed up again. “That’s all she wanted me for”, He told me during our session.
That story can be extended more broadly about all his relationships with transgender women, women who usually are sex workers.
Joe left session nine pretty negative.
If Joe continues the work, this could be a turning point for him. His stories are screaming out loud. Now that he has some grounding in “Stories” and how they create reality, he is getting first hand experience in his own life experience how stories do that.
He’s not happy about that.
But this is the process. It’s how it works.
I reminded Joe his unhappiness is an emotion telling him something important. It’s telling him his stories about this situation aren’t consistent with what’s really happening.
Again, of course, Joe didn’t want to hear this. He defended his stories as “true”, which they are. But he refused to understand that they are only true because his stories have created a reality consistent with them. They are no more true than any other story he might tell often enough to create momentum and a new reality consistent with that.
And that is the work. Using one’s life experience as a living classroom, our framework shows clients how to tell new stories. New stories told frequent enough so their reality changes to match them.
Then they have a new truth. A life experience that contains everything they want.
Including their ideal partner.
Joe is continuing the work. We’ll see whether his relationship with Cassandra was the last one he’ll let his old stories dictate.
Things happening in my life is how I know my stories make my life better and better. Coming on the heels of the previous story, the following true story is further proof. Further proof how The Transamorous Network approach literally makes things happen with me barely lifting a finger.
In that previous post I wrote about seeing a transgender woman a second time, with no effort on my part. I used this to show you why we guarantee our approach works. You can easily meet your match. No matter your criteria. No matter the circumstances.
That’s what’s happening in my life. It can happen in yours too.
This next experience happened just two weeks ago. It shows how the Universe answers every desire. The path it creates though is never direct. It curves all over the place.
That’s because we’re always adding more to what we want. And every thing added is being organized by us to be realized by us. That’s why I know I already have everything I want. Even though it looks like I don’t right now.
But “right now” is the past. It’s not the present. The minute “right now” happens, it’s old news.
So it looks like I don’t have these things “right now” because “right now” has manifestED. The NOW is a manifestING PROCESS. It’s always manifestING. In the manifestING NOW, I have all I want. It only takes a while for it to become manifestED.
So it takes longer to manifest things in physical reality. In nonphysical, in that manifestING place, things happen immediately. And what is manifestING MUST eventually become manifestED. That’s just how life works.
So I know it’s only a matter of time before everything I want becomes my physical reality. How do I know it’s happening? Experiences like the one you’re about to read.
My Bridging Job offers surprising opportunities (Illustration: the author)
Incredible Outcomes Indicate More Incredible Outcomes Are On The Way
Before I share what happened, here’s some context. What happened was cool. But if you don’t have the context, you won’t understand it.
I now have a bridging job. I call it that because it bridges stories I’ve told a long time with stories I’m replacing them with. To explain…
I have believed, like a lot of people – nearly everyone actually – that money shows up in my bank account when I do something to “earn it”.
That’s not the only way money can show up though. There are infinite ways money can show up in my bank account.
For example, there are people who inherit money. There are people who win lotteries. There are people who steal money and get away with that. There are people who find money. There are people other people give money to for no apparent reason. There are people who’s money comes from interest and investing.
So there are a lot of people experiencing money flowing into their bank accounts. And that flow is not tied to what they do.
My stories about money match stories the majority of us tell. Like others, I’ve told this story so long, it has a lot of momentum. Creating and living a reality matching a new story is possible.
But not right away. That’s because my old stories have a lot of momentum. I know because I’ve tried over the last four years to live differently. That didn’t work. My old story momentum is too strong.
So I’ve taken this bridging job so I’ll stop adding more resistance/power to my old story, which is what I was doing by trying to live a different story into my reality.
My bridging job is helping ease my old stories.
Like our clients, I’m always learning. And always will be learning.
This bridging job came in a way consistent with creating my reality. That’s another story too. One I will write about. Suffice it to say I didn’t have to do anything to get the job. It literally came to me. And, my Inner Being has told me over and over that this job is exactly where I’m supposed to be.
Meeting that transgender woman I wrote about last time, and the way it happened confirms this. So does what happened two weeks ago. So much good stuff is happening relative to this job, that I know this job is on the path to all I want.
Ok. That’s the context.
· · ·
So here I am, at my bridging job. I’m preparing to go on a route when another guy asks to ride with me. He does the same job I do. Sometimes our dispatcher pairs people.
So this guy, I’ll call him “Guy”, and I pair up. We prep my van. Then we head out.
Turns out Guy believes in the power of stories. He also coaches others on using clinical techniques to change people’s lives. I didn’t know this about him. But that was a nice surprise.
We spend the day connecting over this and other things we have in common. We both enjoy the work we’re doing. We both enjoy practicing positivity. We both enjoy napping in parks. ☺️ We both have other things going on. Things larger than this job we enjoy. We both know life is an adventure. We both have strong spiritual practices.
Midway through the work day, Guy tells me he’s enjoying working with me. The feeling is mutual.
Guy asks me about what I do when I’m not at work. I tell him about Copiosis and Positively Focused.
Then I tell him about The Transamorous Network. As I’m talking his eyes light up. He’s rapt while I’m telling about it.
When I finish, Guy says “Perry, I’m a trans guy.”
Now I knew this about him. But didn’t want to say anything. Was I surprised? Yes.
And no.
Think about this. I’m telling more and more stories about affiliating with the trans community, about wanting a person who is a match to my desires. And here I’ve spent my entire day with a transgender person! On my job! The job my Inner Being said was perfect for me!
Not only did we spend the day together, we share many things we mutually believe in.
This doesn’t mean Guy is one of my matches. He’s not someone I’m gonna date. I want a transgender WOMAN after all. But he represents my unfolding pathto the person I want.
I know life is not a straight line to my fulfilled desire. It’s a roundabout adventure!
Artwork by the author
I know I’m not supposed to get everything I want all at once. That would be overwhelming. Imagine if all the transgender women I would meet in this life showed up right now!
That wouldn’t be fun at all, really.
It’s much more fun watching as my personal trinity puts together events like this all-day get-together, in ways I couldn’t organize myself. I know it’s all happening — Sarah from two weeks ago, “Guy” from this week, the other transgender woman I chatted with on the bus the other day, but didn’t write about, the media interviews I’m doing more of lately, and whatever else might come next. It’s all for the sheer enjoyment of the unfolding. Not for the end result!
Artwork by the author
So Guy isn’t the one. I mean he is a match in the sense he matches many of my stories. That’s great news. It’s great news because if Guy is this close of a match, imagine what my actual transgender woman match will be!
Guy is a signpost along the way to her. Guy showing up in my life is like the Universe saying “here’s evidence you’re on the right track. Congrats. Keep up the good work!”
Just as Jeannette was in the last post. Just as was the trans woman I chatted with briefly on the bus the other day. It’s all evidence my stories are changing.
And here’s the stupendous news: I know if one story’s evidence shows up, that means, allmy new stories are in play too. Everything happens simultaneously.
So I know my story about money flowing into my bank account without me having to do anything to have that happen is becoming real. I know it’s becoming real because this story about my transgender lover is unfolding in tangible, satisfying ways.
This is how it works folks!
Let me be more clear: Meeting Guy, spending all day with him, enjoying the connection and having so much in common with him tells me I’m headed in the right direction. A direction where I’ll spend all day with, enjoy the connection with, and have so much in common with her. The transgender woman who matches me as much and more as Guy does.
And, all that will coincide with an event, where my bank account fills with money.
On the way to all that, I’m having fun enjoying my right now.
· · ·
There’s more to the story of course.
Guy then asks if The Transamorous Network would ever expand its work to help trans people become more comfortable in their skin.
The short answer is: yes.
The longer answer is of course. Until a person is comfortable in their skin, i.e. telling stories of self acceptance, self love and worthiness, they can’t meet their ideal partner.
If I want a person who is confident; someone happy in themselves; a strong and capable person, a happy person, that person can only be mine if I feel that way about me.
I have to be a match to that. That’s the only way I can have that.
Of course that is what The Transamorous Network helps people with. We help others learn how to do what I’m doing.
Guy asked me for my contact information. He said he wanted it for when he meets transgender women. He asked whether I prefer non-op, pre-op or post-Op women. I think he’s thinking about matching me with someone. Why else would he ask such questions?
I know one of the ways the Universe brings my match into my life will be through people I already know. Since Guy shares many of the same things I believe in, and since he sees and knows a lot of transgender people, there’s a good chance something may come of this.
But that’s not why I’m happy about having met Guy. Guy is a cool person. It’s fun to think about him being a friend. It’s cool to have him as a co worker. It’s cool working with him.
And, he’s an exceptional indicator that my stories, my new stories, are shaping for me a new reality. One in which everything I want is.
Seems something significant is happening every week now. I like that pace. And I know it’s going to get better and better. The evidence is how I know.
The stories I tell are creating my reality. I am bridging those stories with ones that create more things in my reality that I want. I know what I’m telling by looking at what my now contains. For my now reflects back to me my stories. My current now can be bridged to a better now. I do that by thinking thoughts into stories representing what I want in my now: happiness, joy, fun and things that surprise and delight me. Be sure to watch with your sound on.
