Transgender - The Transamorous Network

July 13, 2021May 30, 2021

How Misgendering Creates A Better Life And Happy Love

Last week, I shared why loving someone who misgenders you creates the best outcomes. In that post, I shared one Transamorous Network client’s story about what happened when her mother misgendered her.

I wrote the post you’re reading after our followup session the next week. What she shared in that session will astound you. It’s astounding for three reasons:

It shows how fast my client is improving
How quickly the Universe shows her opportunities to improve and
How beneficial what my client learned can be for other transpeople.

First, some background

My client asked in a previous session why her parents kept misgendering her. I told her it’s because she reacts negatively every time it happens. I explain this more in last week’s post.

Then my client described a social event where her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. This happened in front of everyone. Of course, my client felt embarrassed. What other people think about my client means a lot to her. So when she’s put “on blast” she doesn’t like it.

I showed her how to create future experiences wherein neither her mom, nor anyone else, misgenders her. She understood the instructions and said she’d follow them.

But at our next session, she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened. She and her mom talked on the phone. Instead of doing what I suggested, she did exactly the opposite. That sparked a HUGE fight on the phone between my client, her mom and step dad.

My client regrets saying what she said during that call. Her mom regrets what she said. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Fights of all kinds can be transformational moments. But isn’t it great when you don’t need fights to enjoy transformational moments? (Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash)

What happened next

A few days later, My client got an impulse to call her mom, but she didn’t. The next day her mom called her instead. They had a great conversation, as though the fight never happened. In that chat, my client’s mom invited her out shopping, which they both enjoyed.

Then, while at a separate function by herself, my client met a transgender woman. She was “early in her transition”, according to my client. Now, remember, this happened a few days after my client had a big fight with her mom.

An acquaintance introduced my client to this other trans woman. After introductions, they chatted a bit. Then, when talking with someone else nearby, my client, referring to the other trans woman, misgendered her!

The other transgender woman heard my client and corrected her. My client profusely apologized.

“I hate it when people do that and here I am doing it,” She nervously laughed.

My client told me in session how bad she felt. She got how this experience mirrored her own experience with her mother.

“Here I was doing exactly what my mom did to me to another transgender woman!” she admitted.

Life always reflects back to you what’s happening in you. You created it so you can do something about what’s happening in you. That’s why stories are so powerful. Through them you create reality. (Photo by Caroline Veronez on Unsplash)

It got worse – then much better

Moments after, my client misgendered this transgender woman…again. My client felt shame and humiliation. That’s when she understood.

“I had no malice at all towards this person,” She said. “It was me not being aware. I understand now how my mother had no malice either. This experience showed me how easy it is [to misgender someone], and it doesn’t always happen because people are mean. Sometimes it just happens.”

That insight helped my client let her mother off the hook, which is exactly what I suggested she needed to do!

My client also realized her experience happened on purpose. The universe, she said, gave her this experience to get how easy misgendering can happen and to help her forgive her mom.

“Now I won’t be so quick to get so mad when someone does it. The Universe really helped me understand these kinds of situations.”

As a person tells positive stories more often, the Universe is in on the increase. It constantly sends life-lessons so experience shows what we’re learning.

Life: It’s no joke until it is

Some will say my client’s experiences all represent coincidences. But consider her stories at the time. Here she was making her mom really wrong, blaming her, judging her, thinking she’s being unloving, when instead her mother might be misgendering her daughter for totally different reasons.

My client got that, through her own experience misgendering a transgender woman. She stood in her mother’s shoes. And through all that, she found more love for her mom.

There’s a saying. It goes: you can’t make this up. In only a few days my client got how the Universe and her stories work together. Together they make the reality my client experiences. The more she turns her attention towards positive stories, the less life-sessions she’ll experience.

And the more joy and fun she’ll have.

July 6, 2021July 6, 2021

Misgendered: A Great Opportunity For Love Not Hate

The easiest way to get someone to stop misgendering you involves loving that person when they do it. Especially when parents misgender you. Here’s why we advocate this approach at The Transamorous Network.

Parents stick to misgendering their trans kids because they think they’re right. Nearly all people think they’re right about what they think they know. Another reason they do it involves pain. They don’t want to be wrong. Being wrong feels painful.

Parents think they know more than their children do. They’re wrong, but remember, they think they’re right and being wrong feels painful. Besides, they don’t want to believe the person they love is not the person they thought the person was.

Changing in front of children is hard

Acknowledging your identity also confronts their social standing and that’s hard for old people. No one likes losing face and old people really don’t. Your parents not only must confront their own judgements, they must also face their peers’ judgments too.

That’s tough. Misgendering you let’s them live in la la land. There they’re right and they save face. That’s a lot keeping your mom and dad misgendering you.

Parents also find socially embarrassing and humiliating being judged when in public. They care a LOT about what other people think about them. For some, their whole identity depends on what others think about them. For others, their entire career depends on it.

So parents face tremendous pressure when a child declares themselves trans.

We’re not making excuses for your parents. We’re showing you how to get what you want from them: You want them to use proper pronouns and call you by the name matching who you are.

Parents, especially older ones think they know everything. Your trans status usually confronts everything they think they know. So you must be the adult. Because they can’t. They’re too triggered. (Photo by CDC on Unsplash)

But it’s all about them…not you

Notice what happens when you resist when they misgender you: They double down, refuse your wishes, disown you or you them. Why? Because they’re defending themselves, their stories and their world view. For a while, these things are more important than a relationship with you.

All that means NOTHING about you. It’s all about them. Notice too the more you push against their world view, the more they resist you. In our vernacular, here is what happens when you resist what they do.

First, you reinforce many stories you have about your parents, which sets up future repeat experiences of what you’re resisting. You know this when you feel negative when they do what you don’t like.

Second, your parents resist your resistance, which creates in their world repeat experiences too. So you both cooperate in creating new experiences just like existing ones. Experiences neither you nor them enjoys.

This is why your parents misgendering you won’t stop until you stop resisting what they do. Of course, they could stop resisting who you really are. But, ironically, you’re the adult in this case. Not your parents. So you must make the first move.

A real example speaks volumes

A transgender client asked us why her parents kept misgendering her recently. I told her exactly what you’re reading. I said because she keeps resisting when they do it.

The most recent time happened in a social event. Her mom and step dad both called her by her dead name and used male pronouns. They did it in front of everyone. My client was embarrassed because she puts a lot of weight on what other people think about her.

The next day, a relative approached my client. “I can’t believe your parents did that in front of everybody!” this relative said. “It makes me so angry when they do that! They know you’re trans, why do they keep doing it?”

When my client told me what her relative said and how angry he was, I told my client “You don’t want to be listening to this person. Hearing this person’s stories and making them your own will just create more situations between you and your parents where they will misgender you.”

“Instead,” I said. “You should love your parents. Look for everything they do to support you. Find things you like about them. Focus on those things. When they misgender you, pretend it didn’t happen!”

My client laughed at first. She didn’t understand how doing this would work.

When you push against what you don’t like you’re setting yourself up for more of what you don’t like. That creates a lot of cray-cray on all sides. Instead, find good things about where you are and watch where you are change. (Photo by Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Here’s why it works

It works because whatever you look at will get bigger in your life. Whatever you look at that you feel emotional about will get bigger, faster in your life. So when you keep looking at, and get angry about ANYONE who misgenders you, you’re essentially saying “Universe, give me more of this!”

I told my client this and she said she understood.

But when she came to the next session she said he did not follow my advice. Then she told me what happened.

She had a telephone conversation with her mom. While on the phone, her relative’s complaints about her mom popped up in her head. Then she heard my voice in her head telling her not to heed her relative’s stories. But she also felt the pull of that negative story about her mom.

So instead of looking for things love-worthy in her mom she followed impulses that came from her relative’s negative stories.

“Mom,” she said. “I hope you can hear me when I say this. It really hurts me when you don’t use the correct pronouns. It also hurts me when you call me by my old name. I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

Like a match to gasoline…

Exactly as I described above, her mom got defensive instead of listening to what my client said. She didn’t hear a word my client said. Here’s what she did hear:

You’re wrong
You’re bad
I know better than you
Do what I say!
Your values are wrong
Your beliefs are wrong

Is it any surprise what happened next? Her mom got defensive, then angry, then went into a rage. She attacked my client (remember this is a phone call). In response, my client lost her cool and attacked back.

My client’s mom had the phone on speaker and her husband (my client’s step father) also jumped in. Of course he defended his wife. That’s natural, right?

My client said she said things to her mom she regrets saying. She also said her mom said things she’s never said to my client before. The phone call happened three days ago. My client and her mom hadn’t talked since.

Your anger at those who misgender you acts as a match to gasoline. The fire just gets hotter…until you learn the better way. That learning needn’t be as hard as it is though. *(Photo by* Nsey Benajah on Unsplash)

Lesson learned the hard way

My client left the conversation extremely hurt. But it was all good because she realized through that very painful experience the accuracy of how this work works.

You just cannot get what you want when you focus on what you don’t want. Focusing on what you don’t want just gives you more of that.

So if you want someone to stop misgendering you, you can’t react negatively when they do it. Instead, you must find things to appreciate about the person. When someone misgenders you, you must talk yourself out of negative reactions. Then find positive things to say that cause you to feel good.

Until you do, until you learn to master your emotional responses to events, you just keep getting more practice. Practice which looks like people misgendering you!

It seems counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But try it. You’ll find in short order that those who refuse to accept who you are will change. Then you’ve mastered your happiness.

It will take longer for loved ones only because you’ve got persistent stories about them, about how they are, and you think you’re right about that. But even persistent beliefs can change.

And when your beliefs change, everything else does too.

June 29, 2021May 27, 2021

Trans-Attracted Men: Don’t Hate On Your Love

Editor’s note: In this series, we’ll highlight conversations with our readers/viewers. We think folks will benefit from these conversations. All names are made up to protect everyone’s privacy.

Dear The Transamorous Network,

I’ve been on the site and after I put a reply to the topic of being trans attracted while being married, I looked at some earlier exchanges, most notably from two cisgender women who are wives of men who are trans attracted. Their responses were striking. It made me question my place in this community because I do not share some of the sentiments. Yes, I do have the shared attraction to trans women, however I am not in a situation where my wife doesn’t fulfill my needs. Nor do I compare my wife to trans women. My attraction to trans women is just that, an attraction. I’ve noticed this about myself, however I have no desire to act on it. I also have an attraction to Asian women and have for years, however again, I have no desire to act on that either nor do I compare my wife to Asian women. I do not judge the men who feel differently and I do not consider myself any better than them, but I am beginning to question as to if this is the right community because my opinion on this matter may not be received well. I feel that some may jump to the conclusion that I may be in some moral high ground based in religion, however that couldn’t be farther from the truth because I am an Atheist and proud to be. My opinion about this topic is MY opinion and I wouldn’t want anyone to perceive that everyone should feel the same way. It’s just that I’ve been on the receiving end of comparison by someone that I’ve trust my heart to and it only adds to the self-hatred. So I totally empathize with [The women] from [the comments section] and I feel bad that they are going through what they are describing. Anyway, thanks for listening.

Austin

Dear Austin,

Thanks for your letter/email. Yes, the responses from cis women who discovered their husbands were/are trans attracted are striking. No doubt about that. That said, their comments have nothing to do with or have anything to say about whether or not you have a “place” in the “community” that is The Transamorous Network.

Just because there are divergent opinions doesn’t mean one opinion is better than the other. Nor does it mean that one opinion gets to say whether or not another opinion belongs. You have contributed greatly to the conversation and I would encourage you to continue to do so.

Who cares if somebody jumps to the conclusion that you have some sort of moral high ground? Isn’t that their story? That has nothing to do with whether you actually do or not. Or whether you believe you do or not.

What people are going through is what they’re going through. The women complaining about their husbands likely have a lot more happening than their men being trans-attracted.

What they’re going through is a result of the stories they are telling themselves. Period. There’s no doubt in my mind that both woman knew what they were getting into at some level. It may not have been conscious of it, but they knew. That’s because everyone is a match to whoever they’re meeting. If this weren’t accurate, then what I share with clients would not work.

But what I show my clients does work, 100 percent of the time. So it must be accurate that wives of trans-attracted men, at some level, knew about their husband’s trans attraction.

The fact that they are blaming their husbands just shows how much they continue concealing what they knew from themselves.

Stick around. Or not. Either way do it from an empowered place, not from feeling you must leave because others aren’t happy with what you share.

TTN

June 22, 2021August 26, 2022

Cheating With T-Girls Now Puts You At Great Risk

If you’re married, trans-attracted, and sexing up transgender women on the side, you might be putting you and your marriage at great risk. That’s because while The Transamorous Network doesn’t ruin marriages, someone in the transgender community does.

Yours could be next. 😱

In the last six months, I got calls from two different people I normally don’t get calls from. The first call came from a distraught father in the midwest. He worried about his estranged son, who went dark over a year ago. Apparently, his son moved to Oregon (where I live), got in trouble with the law and wasn’t in a good place.

I asked the father how he heard about this and why, on earth, he called me…

The other call came from a wife here in the Northwest. She called twice back-to-back during a client session. After my client, I returned her call. She was raging angry. Apparently she discovered her husband cheated on her with transgender women for years.

This call felt more connected with Transamorous Network practice compared to the father conversation. Still, mild surprise had me ask her how she got my number…

Cheating trans-attracted men put on blast

Both the father and wife answered my question the same way. They each got a letter.

Each letter, addressed specifically to the father and wife, detailed the son and husband’s involvement with transgender women. The hand-written letters told, in first person details, about the son’s and husband’s trans-attraction activities. Only someone intimately involved with them would know details shared.

In the father’s case, the letter said something like “your son sleeps with trans women, you need to accept that so he’ll accept it too.” The letter addressed to the wife described the husband in unsavory terms and included details about his dalliances I’d prefer not describe.

Far more shocking though was what both letters shared. Both concluded with references to The Transamorous Network and my telephone number. No return address. Both recipients thought we sent the letter.

We did not.

A Transgender caped crusader or vigilante?

What’s going on here? A transgender woman, or group maybe, outs men to their families and spouses after sharing beds with them. The men seem oblivious, the partners and families feel shocked and saddened. Marriages start unraveling, angers soar (mostly among wives).

I don’t blame the wives. Were I in their shoes, I’d be pissed too!

If you’ve read our blog comments section, you know more wives show up nowadays expressing rage, frustration and judgement about everything about their husbands’ cheating. The good news: these marriages weren’t going to last anyway. The men clearly are trans-attracted. And while a few men can remain cis-married and trans-attracted, most must reconcile their attraction and marital status.

Still, I must ask: Who has it out for these men? Did a group of transgender women start collaborating to out these DL men? Or has one transgender woman resolved to teach them a lesson by destroying their families?

Maybe she or they have had it with DL men. Perhaps they think blowing up marriages creates a big enough shock to get men to own their natural attraction in the open. It’s not an approach I endorse.

And why include The Transamorous Network in all this? For sure, both married men and wives can benefit from what we do. In fact, I’ve already supported one woman (not the one who called recently) seeking advice on next steps with her trans-attracted husband and marriage.

What’s my role in all this?

Both incidences involved men in the Northwest. So it’s likely the trans-vigilantes, fed up with men on the DL and determined to punish these men, operate in the Northwest. Or, they might be nationwide.

Who knows?

One thing’s for sure: Neither me nor The Transamorous Network knows who these transgender women are. We also didn’t give them permission to use our contact information. But we must say two things about this: one, it’s good for business, as the angry wives call us looking for answers. We can help in that regard.

So it was smart referring these people to us.

Second, At least these vigilantes are giving the couple a resource that could dramatically change everyone’s life for the better. Including the vigilantes.

So men – you’ve been warned. Beware. Before you put your pee pee in that hole think about that ring on your finger. Looks like now, if you’re cheating on your cisgender wife, the risks of you getting outed just went up.

June 8, 2021May 8, 2021

The Awesome Point Where Things Come Easily

The best way to have everything you want, transgender women and trans-attracted men, is through finding a way to feel the best you can. Transamorous Network clients learn how to do that. When they do, their lives improve dramatically.

Not everyone needs help living from the best emotions they can. If you’re not a client, even though we offer incredibly reasonable rates, you can do it on your own. We offer a lot of free content here, and on other other platforms. Including YouTube.

Love, confidence and self-love are emotions with the most leverage.

From there, you should be able to see everything you want coming easy. Including the guy or girl you want.

Life flows consistent with how you feel

As I live from love, confidence and self-love, my life flows more and more consistent with my desires. I see plenty evidence of everything I want, emerging from within my life. Life feels good. It feels right. I feel loved.

Some ask “if that’s true, how come you’re not with anyone?”

My answer, of course, is, I’m clear about who I want as a partner. And, right now, I’m not yet a match to them. That’s where I’m focusing relationship-wise: becoming a match to them. I’m no hypocrite. So I practice what I preach.

Instead of looking for them, or being on dating sites or even going out on dates, I prefer this person come to me. I also know that will happen, when I’m a match.

In the meantime, I prefer being single.

How you feel can be manufactured

In that single-hood, I focus on creating the best, highest positive emotions I can about anything I think about. That’s because when I do that, when I manufacture my feelings through telling positive stories, I create the best circumstances for that partner I’ve created to show themselves to me.

Meanwhile, my life fills with other desires that fulfill themselves. For example, I don’t work anymore. No, I’m not retired. Instead, I enjoy my days lounging on the beach or hanging out at home. No matter where I am, I enjoy my passion to create a new economic reality for humanity or write about my transamorous experiences and share my spirituality with others through Positively Focused. Drawing, practicing spirituality and enjoying Netflix every once and a while fills my days. I also cook, bake and read things, all to my heart’s content. Not a single hour finds me working.

One of my drawings for Positively Focused.

What about money?

I don’t think about it. So money takes care of itself, coming into my life in amounts enabling me to live the way I choose. And, because I’m Positively Focused, because I tell stories that feel good, more money flows into my life in bigger and bigger quantities.

Of course, as I live, the more I see, the more I want. The more I want, the more I see. And the more I want and see, the more momentum builds, allowing more of what I desire to be realized by me. So just by living this way, having fun and enjoying my life, things I want come easily, as they gradually become a match to me.

That includes my lover.

Since I know I’m eternal, I’m in no rush to meet this person. It will happen when it happens. In the meantime, I’m having a really great life. Lounging, loving myself, having fun, being creative and helping others do the same.

It’s the sweet spot. The awesome point where things come easily. Are you in yours?