TLDR: The author recounts an encounter with a married, transitioning person, detailing their feelings, reactions, and the ultimate end of the potential relationship. They emphasize the importance of handling disappointment positively and with unconditional love, sharing personal insights and advice for readers navigating similar experiences. The story highlights the power of creating positive stories to shape future experiences.
In December, I met this amazing trans person. How I met him was so awesome, I wrote about it in a previous post.
Now, before you get triggered about me using “he/him” pronouns, a warning: don’t make assumptions. This story has a bunch of awesome twists in it. Including one having to do with this guy’s gender identity.
So keep reading.
I wrote that previous blog gushing about how the Universe coordinates events perfectly. So perfectly meeting him was a foregone conclusion. After meeting him that first time, I was smitten. He gave me his number. Then we set up time to meet. It would be our first real date. An opportunity to sniff each others’ butts…so to speak.
I felt we were a perfect match. But it was clear Quinn wasn’t so sure. I was up for the exploration, knowing however it would go, it would be perfect.
Take note!
Did you notice that last sentence? It expresses the purpose of this post. I’m writing this post as a followup. But I’m also, as always, offering advice on how to effortlessly meet your match. And to share what to do when your match doesn’t go as desired.
What you do when things seem to go wrong determines your future. This shouldn’t surprise regular readers. Your thoughts in the present shape your future. Negative thoughts align you with future experiences that will match that negativity. Positive thoughts align you with future positive experience.
So when your date doesn’t go as planned, you have a choice. You can create a future that looks like the experience you just had. Or you can create a future that looks different. How you think is how you create. And most trans women and trans-attracted guys are creating futures resembling their past experience. Which is why so many in both camps are unhappy in love.
So take note!
The fact is, your dating life is going perfectly. If it sucks, that’s showing you something you really want to know. It’s showing you that what you’re creating isn’t aligned with what you want. So change your creation approach!
Unfortunately, almost no humans understand this. So they double-down on stories creating their unpleasant results. Doing that, they create more unpleasant results! You don’t need to do that.
The Universe always reveals
The first indicator something was up was the frequency with which Quinn communicated. Bottom line: there was no frequency, because there was no communication. That was a red flag. I sent a confirmation text, to be sure he gave me the right number. I didn’t get a reply until the next day. When I replied to that message, I didn’t get a reply at all.
Something was up.
Of course, he could have been busy. But think about it: if someone really wants to get to know you, won’t their behavior match that? The answer is yes! If they’re not matching your eagerness then they’re not eager. And if they’re not eager, that should give you pause.
Now, what you say to yourself about that is important. Positivity is more important than the truth. Because while people think the truth will set them free, most of the time, the truth binds them to things they don’t like. Especially if the “truth” they’re looking at is unpleasant.
I knew some of what was up. But the whole story, I also knew, would soon come out. That’s because I know the universe always reveals to me what I want to know. (<—-that’s a powerful story you might want to steal from this post!)
In our first encounter I mentioned my ex-wife. When I did, I noticed a shift in Quinn’s being. It was subtle. But my “spidey senses” told me something changed. That got confirmed later.
He drops a couple bombs
Quinn eventually did reply. Then we set a time for our date.
I got there early. He came on time, looking disheveled because he just got off work. Still, to me, he was radiant.
The first thing Quinn said was he is married…for 20 years! Married to his High School sweetheart! At that news I was crestfallen. But, knowing what I know, I quickly recovered my positive disposition.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
“I didn’t want to scare you off,” he said. Ok, I thought. Positive sign…I guess.
Then Quinn described how he started transitioning a few years ago. He and his wife no longer see each other as intimate partners, so they’ve opened their marriage. She has a few partners she is seeing. Quinn has none (this is important for later).
Quinn and I then dwelled a bit on his transition. I gushed about how attractive he was, both physically, but also energetically, which he could appreciate because, it turns out, he’s also heavily into spirituality. Quinn acknowledged a hormonal condition that naturally has him presenting extremely androgynous. In fact, despite having begun transitioning, he said he was taking testosterone.
“Why?” I asked.
He replied that he’s started to de-transition. “I believe my wanting to transition was self-directed homophobia,” He said. “My unwillingness to accept that I’m attracted to men.”
Wow. This was getting really interesting! So he transitioned because he had a story “only girls are attracted to guys. So I must be a girl.”
Personal expansion stares me in the face!
It was also getting interesting because in that moment I was discovering something about myself. Something that, again, made us perfect matches.
You see, in my spiritual practice, what I’ve learned is real love is unconditional. Real love ignores conditions. Real love doesn’t care about sex. It doesn’t care about gender. Real love doesn’t care about how much a person makes, or what that person does to make that money.
Personal preferences do care about those things. And personal preferences can trump real love, turning it into something other than that. And let’s be frank: personal preferences change. They typically are based on beliefs. A lot of beliefs about ourselves. And beliefs about what others might think. Including what they might think, for example, about our partner and how that reflects on us.
We all are all living, thinking, walking, being love. We ARE love at our core. But relationship expectations and preferences can thwart that realization. What I was realizing right around the time Quinn dropped these bombs was, maybe I could enjoy loving a guy. Why not? I am love. I want to love unconditionally. And here was the Universe bringing me a guy who reflected exactly what I was contemplating and throwing him right in my face!
It was LOVELY. And it endeared me to Quinn even more. Not less.
By this time, I couldn’t help it. I just let it all hang out. I told Quinn that, in no uncertain terms, if he was game, I’d like to explore this more and see where it goes. Quinn agreed we had a lot in common. He wanted to see me again and see where things went.
But I also sensed some hesitation in his vibration. And that was the next red flag.
Making him own his stories
After talking about his transition, or rather, his de-transition, Quinn asked me about my age. Or rather, as I prefer to put it, “the age of my body”.
Age is a big sticking point for humans. It can wreak havoc on all kinds of goals. Especially relationship and love goals. It’s something I’m working through myself. As I come more into being unconditional love, I’m letting go of stories about my age. Which is why I was able to talk with Quinn. He’s 36. I’m nearing 60 (although I don’t look it). I think the age of my body concerned Quinn. Particularly given the relatively short time he’s been in his.
So we talked through that issue and it was clear his concerns weren’t mollified. That’s ok, I thought, his concern has nothing to do with me. It’s about his preferences. Preferences that probably would block potential enjoyment he could have experiencing “us”.
Did you get that? That paragraph above is yet another positive story. In telling it, in my reality, I forced him to accept responsibility for his stories. In other words, I didn’t make his concern about age diminish my knowing of what I offer another. Nor did I let it invalidate my self-worth. That’s an important skill to cultivate as you explore relationships with other humans.
Quinn and I talked about other topics. Things we have in common, for example. We talked about his home remodeling project and our mutual love for BMW cars. That we both love walking and riding bikes as means of transportation was another thing we talked about. We did have a LOT in common.
However, I think Quinn couldn’t focus on the many things we had in common. Instead, he focused on things he saw as red flags.
What happened?
We never had that opportunity to meet a third time. Although he asked me to reach out to him in a couple weeks, when I did, he didn’t reply. And here is where the dating advice gets important.
At this stage in a relationship –– presumably the “end” –– what you do next is CRITICAL. What you do next either creates more futures consistent with what you just experienced, or, it creates CHANGE in your relationship experience. Since I know this, I created the latter.
What I’m going to share may not resonate. I’m in a much deeper, spiritual experience than you likely are. So what I did you might not be able to do and be sincere about it. But you can create your version of what I did next. And doing so will serve you tremendously.
After not hearing from Quinn, I did what I recommend all my clients do when a potential partner poops out: I created stories bolstering my positivity. Looking back at what Quinn shared, I could create several such stories. Stories that put responsibility on Quinn for doing what he did (ghosting) instead of making it about me:
- He’s de-transitioning. That must be wreaking havoc in his head. I don’t blame him for behaving this way. He probably has a LOT of things he’s thinking through.
- He’s married in an open relationship. I know from experience that open relationships can be hard. I imagine it’s even harder for a cis-trans couple married for 20 years and negotiating opening the relationship.
- This is his first attempt with a guy. He’s likely overwhelmed with the idea of facing his shame and self-loathing (he called it self-directed homophobia). My openness and willingness probably overwhelmed him. I told him with extreme clarity that I found him desirable. He probably doesn’t see himself as desirable.
- His wife has partners, he doesn’t. I know it’s one thing for a partner to have lovers. But when that partner’s partner starts seeing someone, it can be hard…for both parties. He’s probably finding it difficult to share. Or maybe SHE’S finding it difficult to experience.
These four stories, fostered a deep peace within me. They also had me feeling compassion and understanding about Quinn. It doesn’t matter if they’re true or not. What matters is how the stories make me feel. Because if I feel positive (and compassion and understanding are positive) that means I’m aligned with a better, even more positive future.
But I wasn’t just feeling compassion and understanding. I felt (and still feel) deep love for Quinn. An unconditional love. I could have been with him no matter what he was going through. And isn’t that what humans are looking for in a relationship?
Unconditional love: what it looks like
Unfortunately, most people who have an experience like what you just read will resort to blame. They’ll attack and accuse. They’ll make up stories that demean the other person, or themselves. Trans and trans-attracted people especially do this.
The problem with that is, one, the person you’re attacking doesn’t know what you’re doing. They’re not affected by it. Not one bit. Two, YOU ARE AFFECTED BY IT. And your future is too.
After a suitable time passed, I sent Quinn a text. My (unconditional) love for him was so strong, it just came out of me:
This is the thing: if you need someone you love in your life, or if you suffer because they no longer are, you’re loving them conditionally. That’s not what you are. It’s inauthentic.
I get it though. Society trains us out of our unconditional love. Movies, songs, parents, even potential mates do this. No wonder there’s so much suffering in the name of “love”.
My clients are finding their way out of that suffering. You can too. Contact me to learn how.
Quinn gave me a huge gift. One I’ll cherish. No matter who he ends up with, I wish him the best.
